Faith.

Do you know what fear and faith both have in common?

A future that hasn’t happened yet.

Fear believes in a negative future. Faith believes in a positive future. Both believe in something that has not yet happened.

We don’t know what this year 2012 will hold. Or this month. Or this week. Its unknown. It hasn’t happened yet. And the choice every single one of us is facing, right this exact moment, is what we are going to choose to believe about the future. Is it going to be a bad year, or a great year? Fear, or faith?

No matter what our current situation – whether right now we are doing pretty well or doing pretty lousy – we all have a choice between two roads – the positive road or the negative road. We can’t ride on both at the same time.

And so one of the most helpful questions you can ask yourself is: why not believe in a positive future?

Why not look at this coming year with faith? What do you have to lose except the fear that is sabotaging your joy?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t ever have any fear. Sometimes fear is a gift – it causes us to reexamine our situation and plan for the future and anticipate change. When used wisely, fear helps us to manage risk and make good decisions.

But whats pretty obvious lately is that there is this mega dose of supersized fear invading the hearts and minds of far too many people. Its causing people to act irrationally or not act at all. And it happens when you choose to believe in a negative future instead of a postive one. When you choose fear over faith.

You and I, we have no idea what this year 2012 holds.

Some are people saying some Mayan calendar thing is going to happen and the world is going to end in 2012. There are people saying we’re going to witness the return of the Great Depression, a nuclear war with Iran. Fear is everywhere.

Yet the alternative is also available to every single one of us. Its called faith. It’s the belief in a positive future.

One of the core messages of the Bible is that it is possible to have the kind of optimistic, positive faith that overcomes even the worst of circumstances if your faith is in the God who created you.

In fact, it actually teaches that there is only one source for that kind of optimistic, positive faith anywhere in the entire universe.

Check this out. In the book of Romans, the 15th chapter it says:  God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.

Maybe you’re not sure where you are at with all of this God stuff right now. That’s ok. Just know one thing:

No matter who you are, or who you aren’t, no matter were you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, or what’s been done to you, no matter what you believe or don’t believe, God believes in you. And he believes in a positive future for you.

We don’t know what’s coming our way this year. It could be prosperity; it could be nonstop adversity. We don’t know what’s coming. We can’t control what’s coming, but the wonderful thing is we can decide whether we are going to believe in a negative future that hasn’t happened yet, or a positive future that hasn’t happened yet.

Fear or faith?

Which unknown future are are you going to believe in?

There was a book that I read to my kids when they were younger called Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It’s a book about a boy named Alexander whose day goes from bad to worse. He wakes up with gum in his hair, he gets his sleeve wet in the sink, he trips over a skateboard, and there’s no prize in his cereal box. And that’s just in the morning. It’s a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Then he goes to school and the teacher won’t acknowledge the picture that he drew of an invisible castle, there’s no dessert in his lunch. After school his Mom won’t buy him the kind of sneakers that he really wants. He gets drilled on by the dentist for a cavity, and later that night he gets soap in his eye when he’s taking a bath. And finally poor Alexander says “I’m going to move to Australia.” And the book wraps up with his mother brazenly telling him “Some days are just like that. Even in Australia.”

When my kids were little, I would finish that story, pull the covers up to their chins, turn out the light, and leave them alone in their existential despair to figure that one out.

After a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, what do you do to escape?

Where is the Australia that you long to run away to?

Maybe you go for a little walk.
Maybe you slip into the bathtub for a Calgon moment.
Maybe you hit the gym.
Maybe you zone out in front of the TV.

Maybe you log on to Facebook. And after an hour you realize you’ve been staring at the vacation pictures of somebody you don’t even know!

Maybe you stop by the gas station on the way home for a six pack of Heineken.
Maybe you shop.
Maybe you play World of Warcraft.
Maybe you drift off into another world with a novel, fantasizing about a different job in a different city with a different person in your bed.

Maybe your deal is you smoke a little pot on the back porch just to get the edge off.
Maybe you overeat.

Maybe sometimes when you’re on the road you click on forbidden web sites.
Or you’ve got some hidden credit cards you use to cover up the tracks of your gambling problem.

What are the ways that you escape to avoid reality?

What are the ways people know about? What are the ways that nobody knows about?

Escapism is focusing ones attention on something pleasant and enjoyable instead of the harsh reality of the real world. And here’s the thing: Escapism isn’t always a bad thing. Escapism is something that is profoundly human.

The British Poet Arther Christopher Benson wrote “All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality – the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times; how to escape.”

That’s fascinating when you think about it. A lot of our great art and literature is about escaping. We probably wouldn’t even have art if human beings didn’t have the God given ability to leave behind the worries of the day and to paint buffalo on the cave wall. All our best stories throughout history are about escape.

In some ways the ability to escape is a close cousin to the ability to create. To imagine. It’s a very good thing. But for some of us escaping has become harmful. Where is the line?

I think there are four stages of escapism.

Stage 1 Escapism: Healthy Enjoyment.

In the Book of Ecclesiastes chapter 11 it says “Oh, how sweet the light of day, and how wonderful to live in the sunshine! Even if you live a long time, don’t take a single day for granted. Take delight in each light-filled hour, remembering that there will also be many dark days and that most of what comes your way is smoke … Follow the impulses of your heart. If something looks good to you, pursue it.  But know also that not just anything goes; You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.”

Some people are shocked when they hear that there are verses like that in the Bible. God saying “If you really want something, if you long for it, and its good, go for it and enjoy it.” There are passages earlier in Ecclesiastes that say “Eat, drink, enjoy the body of your spouse, have a good time!” But the Bible always adds… don’t ever let pleasure blind you to reality.

The first phase of escapism is healthy. It’s a good thing. In fact, it’s a command from God. In the fourth commandment, God said ‘do your work six days a week’ but then take a day off.  God designed human beings, and then built rest, relaxation, and healthy escape into the framework of our very lives.

Simple, healthy escapism is not only good, it’s essential. But there’s a second stage to escapism.

Stage 2 Escapism: Avoidance.

Avoidance is something you do in order to postpone dealing with a problem in your life. Its one thing to spend a couple of hours playing XBox, or Facebooking, or gardening after you have dealt with the work and problems of the day. It’s another thing entirely to escape in order to avoid something.

The ultimate reality that we usually try to avoid is that we are not in control of the world. So we substitute – we try to control our escaping.

There’s no shortage of things we would rather avoid.

Our financial situation.
Or a mindless, soulless job.
The fact that life hasn’t turned out quite the way you thought it would.
A marriage relationship that is deteriorating.
That pile of emails and calls that everyone is expecting you to return, the uncertainty of a company you might be leading.
The shame you feel for something that you did in the past or something that was done to you.

What is it right now that you would just rather avoid, and not think about, and not deal with?

Listen – the best way to escape a problem is to deal with the problem. Not medicate it. Not postpone it. Not search for something to distract you from it. Not look for an emotional high somewhere else.

Because here’s the thing: When you come down off of your buzz, when you leave the hotel room, when you switch the computer off, when you are done escaping, the same problem is still staring you right in the face. In fact, you might have just made it worse.

God is interested in helping you face the truth, and if you are willing to do it, he will step up and assist you. Listen to these beautiful words from Isaiah 43. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God.”

Read your own story into that passage.

God makes a promise throughout scripture to BE WITH you. So he says ‘if you will deal with your financial difficulties, take that course and make a plan, then I will be with you.’ If you will go to your spouse and discuss the elephant that is in the bedroom about your intimacy, he says ‘I will carry you through that.’ If you will face your fear, confront it boldly, appeal to me in faith you will not be burned. That is the way that I work.

Stage 3 Escapism: Neglect

It is one thing to avoid portions of a terrible horrible no good very bad day. Its quite another thing when your method of escape results in you neglecting your responsibilities to the people in your life and the commitments that you have made.

Think about this world we live in. We’ve got all sorts of addictions these days that didn’t even exist a few years ago. We didn’t even have names for 50 years ago.

I found a lot of these while I was surfing the internet for 45 hours last week:
Tanorexia – people who are addicted to tanning beds.
Pegophagia – people who chomp on ice all the time.
Ego Surfing – people who constantly Google themselves.

Technology allows us to escape reality and even to neglect part of our lives. You cross the line from avoidance and into the territory of neglect when your escapist behaviors begin interfering with your ability to function. When you’re late for work or school because you couldn’t stop playing Cooking Mama on your Wii.

The very first escapist in the Bible was Adam. God called out to him in the garden “Adam, Adam, where are you?” And he pops out of the bushes and says “Here God, here I am.” And he lies – instead of admitting he just ate the forbidden fruit he says “I was hiding because I just got out of the shower and I was naked.”

Have you ever done that? Told a lie to cover up your addiction?

Have you ever told a lie in a restaurant to excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to purge?
Do you have some secret hiding places in your house where you keep junk food? Or alcohol? Or cigarettes? Or magazines?
You ever ask someone to lie for you?
Have you ever covered your cybertracks by clearing out the history in your web browser so nobody will ever know where you have been?

See, when escapism crosses over into the realm of neglect, you start feeling ashamed about what you are doing, and that’s when the lies begin. And the cycle goes like this: Resolve to do better. Try harder. Fail. Feel guilty. Feel ashamed. Make more promises. Rinse and repeat.

And only you know in your heart of hearts that what you are doing to escape is driving a wedge between you and the kind of life that you really long for.

Stage 4 Escapism: Obsession

This is the stage where you no longer have control of your life, where your entire life becomes about escaping. You no longer can function, and the consequences of your escapist behavior come piling down on you.

This is the stage where you start to lose your family.
This is the stage where you get called into the boss’ office for the third time.
This is the stage of collection agencies, doctors visits, and pawning your prized possessions.

And you start to doubt that there is any amount of willpower that you could muster to change, and you suspect the answer is probably no.

And the danger with this stage is not that God can’t help you, its that you see no hope of God helping you.

But here’s the good news: God says if you will let me in to your escapism, I’ll be there for you. Listen to this from the book of Isaiah. I have seen what they do, but I will heal them anyway! I will lead them. I will comfort those who mourn, bringing words of praise to their lips. May they have abundant peace, both near and far,” says the Lord, who heals them.

God says ‘you know that thing that you think you’ve hidden from everybody? I’ve seen it.’ You know that thing you’ve hidden the consequences of, even from yourself? I know about it all, and if you’ll just step forward with a little bit of honesty, I’ll bring you healing.

Are you ready for that? Because if you are, you’re in the right place emotionally and psychologially.

Escapism can be great – but if you’re further than Stage 2, maybe it’s time to find a helpful, grace-filled environment where there can be trust and authenticity and healing and you can get on the road to transformation.

One of the most memorable conclusions he reveals in his book is that everyone who dies in a survival situation that they could have made it through, dies of confusion.

I’d never heard of someone dying of confusion, but when you think about it, it makes sense.

There is always a destructive energy at work when we are going through the tough challenges of life.

Exhaustion, anxiety and fear all come together to create a general state of confusion that leads us to make poor decisions which incapacitate us even further in a tightening spiral until our minds and our emotions become like two drowning swimmers dragging each other down.

We become so confused that we either make destructive decisions or no decisions at all, and the circumstances that result destroy our spirits and in some cases can destroy our lives.

Death by confusion. Can easily happen whether a person finds themselves lost in the woods or lost in life.

But it doesn’t have to happen. Lots of people are survivors. How do you ensure you’re one of them?

How do you prevent exhaustion, anxiety and fear from combining into confusion that can snuff you out?

The way to do it is to focus on the opposite of fear and confusion: Faith.

Faith is simply trust in that which you do not fully understand. Focusing on faith is the key to dispelling the deadly confusion that can destroy us.

Faith is the arch enemy of anxiety and fear.

Faith is the death of confusion.

Faith enables us to focus on one supremely positive thing in this dark world – an anchor truth that guides us in our lives.

For many people, faith means trusting that they are unconditionally loved by a God who intimately understands their suffering, pain and struggle.

I know how it is for me when I’m struggling. It’s easy to start thinking that God lets us suffer trials because he doesn’t care about us, or he isn’t there.

Somebody told me recently they were praying to find a job in an easier environment. They said something like, “ I work with difficult, cranky people all the time. It’s driving me totally crazy.” Well, so do I, and so do the people who work with me. It’s a world of fallen, cranky, difficult people.

Maybe you have people in your work who have habits or behaviors that are a real problem for you. Often people want to get transferred to a nicer job with nicer people. Maybe that would be a good thing, but maybe working on getting along with difficult people is the one thing that will grow your character and catapult you into a whole new life trajectory.

So here’s where faith comes in: Maybe the lesson you most need to learn, the training you most need to undertake in order to ensure your survival, involves learning and practicing development of your character in an area that you would rather disengage from.

Maybe God wants to grow you in your ability to love somebody, when it would be easier to resent, or judge, or write them off.

Maybe for you, your confusion revolves around a relationship or an addiction or financial hardship or giving or sacrifice.

Here are some thoughts you might want to consider if you are feeling confused.

1) In the western world, we have placed our faith in little gods with names like Comfort, Ease, Security, and Success. Somewhere along the line, many people have gotten the idea that the purpose of life is to become increasingly more comfortable.

Any step away from our comfort zone is bound to result in feelings of uncertainty and confusion.

How much of what you are feeling is a result of you being afraid of leaving your comfort zone?

2) Everyone has faith. Faith is simply trust in that which you do not fully understand.

The fact is, you will never fully understand all of the ‘why’ questions in your life. And you don’t need to understand everything in order to practice faith.

You might not understand quite yet why you are so angry, or why you are so afraid of change, or why you experience all of the emotions you do.

Are you able to simply trust that you aren’t alone in your struggles, even though you might not fully understand who God is yet?

3) Confusion is a terrible feeling; a feeling of being lost in the most basic sense. The markers, cues and guideposts of life can’t be seen, and the result can be extreme anxiety.

The way to combat confusion is to find your anchor. The reason why faith in God is such a powerful anti-confusion remedy is that no matter what happens in a person’s life they can rest on the solid rock of knowing for certain that they are in the hands of a loving God, both in this life and the next.

What is one thing in your life that you know for certain is true?

Answering that question will do a great deal to combat your feelings of confusion and anxiety.

4) Relax! Think back on times you were confused in the past. It all worked out, didn’t it?

Maybe you can even look back on your life and see how in retrospect your most confusing and uncertain experiences were the times of greatest growth.

Is it possible that by avoiding a decision you are experiencing confusion and sabotaging your own personal growth?

That framework of ‘debt to debtor’ can help us understand a lot of different emotional issues that we struggle with.

Like, for example, guilt says “I owe you” because I hurt you or offended you. Greed says “I owe me.”

Anger says “You owe me.”

The angry person lives in a place where their dominant filter on the world is “YOU OWE ME.” And the reason this is true – and this is so important – is that whenever you are hurt, whenever you are offended or mistreated, there is a sense in which the person who hurt you or mistreated you took something from you.

At work, if a colleague takes credit for your project or stole your idea, they owe you the recognition that comes from your idea. If you grew up in a home where Mom or Dad took off or left, they took a part of your childhood from you. They robbed you of the opportunity to be tucked into bed at night by your Mom and Dad. If your husband or wife left you and you went through a terrible divorce, there is a sense in which they owe you your first marriage, because you stood at that altar and you made a promise, and they robbed you of the opportunity to finish a life that you started with them. They took something from you.

This is real important.

Every time you are hurt in life, there is a sense in which you perceive something was taken from you. And anger says “You Owe Me.”

You owe me my business reputation.
You owe me my childhood.
You owe it to me to have been at my graduation.
You owe it to me to have stayed with my Dad.
You owe it to me to have given me a better mark.
You owe me respect.
You owe it to me to have raised our children with me… you owe me you owe me you owe me.

Anger is like an open account, where I am a bookkeeper. I am the judge and I am the jury and I rule that you owe me, and I am not going to close this account until you repay me. And as long as that account is open, I am carrying that anger.

The worst thing you could do to yourself – the worst thing I could do to myself – is to allow the sun to go down, not on a day of anger, but to allow the sun to go down on a season of my life, and to carry the anger that was created in one season of my life into a new season of life: To carry the anger that was created in childhood and to carry it into adolescence. To carry the anger that was created in adolescence into my 20’s. To carry the hurt, the rejection, the anger from my dating experiences in my 20’s into my marriage. To carry the anger from my first marriage into a second marriage.

Whenever you allow the sun to set on a season of your life, and you carry the anger from one season into another, you run the risk of destroying every subsequent relationship and even of self destruction.

And here’s why: Because when the sun sets on a season of your life, and you’ve not resolved your anger, once you move to a new season it is very easy to lose sight of the source of your original hurt.

That is so critical – because if you bring the anger from your past into a new season of your life, the people in your life will be powerless to give you what your anger thinks is owed to you.

Why? Because your anger account is not with them.

I see this in marriage all the time. If you are engaged right now, and you are engaged to an angry person, I don’t care how cute she is, or how cool he is – you need to run. And if you turned to me and said “But I’m in looooovve” I’d say “Get over it!” because you are either going to get over them now, or they are going to crush you later. They are going keep being angry, and they will hurt you, they will cut you, they will beat you down with their words… and with their words they will murder you.

They have junk in their trunk that has nothing to do with you. And no matter how hard you try to understand, no matter how deeply you empathize, no matter how many times you cry because your physical relationship seems ice cold, no matter how many times you say “I’m sorry”, they are never going to be able to close the account because the account is not with you.

And unbeknownst to them, sometimes through no fault of their own, the sun went down and they lost sight of the source of their hurt and the source of their anger.

So, let me ask you … If you were God and you loved you the way he loves you, what would you say to you?

Because if there really is a God who loves you, he desperately wants you to close the account on your hurt and your anger. To end it. To get RID OF IT, to put it to rest. If you don’t, you’ll carry your anger into another season of life, and you’ll be hurting people who have nothing to do with your anger.

Here’s what Paul, one of the people who wrote some of the letters in the New Testament wrote from prison – he’s not writing from Cancun, but from a dungeon. He writes “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” You know how you take your trash down to the street? You need to do the same thing with your anger. Just get rid of it.

“But … you don’t understand! It’s complicated. It’s not that easy. You don’t know my story. You don’t know what happened to me. Let me tell you my story, and you’ll understand.” And Paul would look around his dungeon with the rats and the excrement and the rusted chains and say “Go ahead and tell me your story. And at the end of your story I’m going to say ‘Thanks. Now get rid of your anger.”

Everyone has a story. Everyone can defend how they got their anger. It’s easy to do – you just point a finger and say ‘They stole this from me. That person owes me.”

If you went into the doctor this week and found out you had cancer, I don’t think your first question would be “Well, can we sit down and figure out how I got this?” I don’t think so. You know what I think it would be? “How do I get rid of it?”

But when it comes to the issues of the heart, we spend so much time defending where we are at, instead of ramping it up and saying “I am ready to get rid of this.”

And I think that part of the issue with anger is that we feel if we just took it out with the trash and walked away from our anger, that would be unfair.

You need to understand something: Getting rid of anger bypasses the issue of fairness. And bypasses the issue of being paid back. It takes fairness and payback and says “You know what, that isn’t the most important thing any more. My priority is to get rid of it. Not to get it all resolved or to balance out in my ledger.”

And here’s how you do it. Paul says: “Get rid of your anger: Be kind and compassionate to one another – and here’s the big word, here’s how it’s done – forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” You FORGIVE. You close the account of what you feel is owed to you.

But that wouldn’t be fair! Yeah, you’re right.

Forgiveness bypasses the whole issue of fairness. You know what it means to forgive? To forgive is simply to cancel a debt. That’s all it is.

It’s to decide, “Ok, according to the records here, you owe me. But I’m cancelling that debt. Not because you paid me back. Not because you made it right. Not because you said you were sorry. I’m deciding. Debt. Is. Canceled. You don’t owe me.”

You should have been at my wedding.
You should have been at my baseball games.
You should have been there to raise our kids.
You should have been there when I needed you.
You should have kept your word, but you didn’t.

And for years I have lived with the expectation that you had to make it up to me. But I’ve made a decision. You don’t owe me anymore. You are forgiven. I’m deciding to cancel your debt.

Forgiveness closes the door. Forgiveness closes the account. Forgiveness cancels the energy of anger. And it is the only thing that does.

Listen… if you’re struggling with this forgiveness thing, you do realize that you can’t ever get paid back anyway, right?

You can be mad at your Dad for the rest of your life because he wasn’t there for you as a kid, but if your Dad came to you today and said “How can I make it up to you?” you’d look at him and say ‘you can’t’. I can’t be 16 again, and you can’t give me my family vacations back.

If that boss, or that ex wife or ex husband, or that partner who ripped off your business, or that man who groped you as a kid came back and said “Ok, how can I make it up to you?” it wouldn’t take you long to say “You can’t make it up to me! You can’t pay me back. Its un-doable.” You can’t undo those years of fear and worry and anger. I may appreciate the apology, but this is a debt that can’t ever be paid.

And according to the Christian worldview, that’s the place where God comes alongside of you, he puts his arm around your shoulder and he says ‘Why don’t we just close the book. Why don’t we just let it go. Why don’t we just say “you don’t owe me”. Why don’t we just forgive. Like I forgave you.

Some helpful ideas on how to get rid of anger

1. Identify specifically who you are angry with.

Your tendency will be to point out people around you now who are taking the brunt of your anger.

Would you be willing to go back a couple of seasons of your life and see where you have an open account with someone who you feels ‘owes you’? With whom are you really angry?

2. Identify specifically what you are angry about. What was taken from you?

Get a pad of paper and something to write with. Start writing down what you feel that person took from you, at the core. Was it your ability to trust others? Your reputation? Your family? The property you had worked so hard for? Your sense of security?

Be specific. What exactly do you feel that person owes you?

This is usually not a quick process. This is a very personal thing, and may be a painful process. You may need to start a list, and keep this list open for a week or two. Carry it with you. Write down specifics. Spend some time on this. Pray and ask God to help you.

3. Cancel the debt. Close the account book.

You can cancel the debts that others have incurred against you!

What very often helps us human beings to solidify something in our hearts is to make it a memorable, symbolic event – a one time ritual.

Take your list out somewhere and do something with it that will help you always remember that the book is closed. Many people find it helps to pray before doing this exercise.

Some ideas:
Maybe you and a close friend can get together, build a fire on the beach and burn it.
Maybe you’d rather do that alone.
Maybe you need to take your list out into the forest, and bury it. Build a simple cross out of twigs and plant it over the list.

Every time those old feelings come back, the sense that the person who hurt you still owes you, draw on the memories of the ritual and remember. If you burned your list, maybe keep a piece of charred wood from the fire somewhere so you can look at it and remind yourself. Or a small container of dirt from where its buried.

Or maybe take a walk or drive by the beach where you had the fire – and remember: Gone forever! Remember, you took out the trash. There is no way for the person who hurt you to ever pay you back anyway.

4.You must choose daily, with help from God, to not reopen the matter.

When memories of the past hurt surface, use them as opportunities to renew your mind to what we know is true. Maybe memorize a number of Bible verses on forgiveness. Recite them to yourself in weak moments, and you’ll be surprised at what happens.

The day will come when you will see or think about the person who hurt you, and you’ll be shocked at how differently you feel towards them.

Forgiveness, and forgiveness alone breaks the energy of anger.

Ever hear this good advice?  I know have.  And this is what I think of it: $%^&*!!!!!!!!  And so forth.

Because I don’t think it’s good advice at all.  In fact, I think it‘s terrible advice, even though I’ve said it, even though I’ve been one to give it.  Still, it’s bad advice.

Here’s some good advice for you: do complain.

I think we should all complain a little more.  And I don’t think we should feel badly about it either.

Some people like to quote biblical scriptures in their self-righteous (annoying) reasons to not complain.  And it is true.  There is some verse in there, somewhere (toward the back I think) about not complaining.  But then again, have you ever read the Psalms?  If you haven’t, I recommend you do.  There’s a lot of complaining in the Psalms.

What about Job?  Man, all that man ever does is complain.  And what about Lamentations?  That’s an actual book in the bible.  I recommend you look the definition of lament up.   And that’s all I’m going to say on the bible and it’s so called ban on complaining.  I rest my case.  God wants obviously wants us to complain.

But you still feel bad complaining.  Don’t you?  Well, if you do it’s probably because you’re not doing it right.

That’s right.  There’s an art to complaining.  And until you know a few tricks of the trade your complaining is apt to make you feel worse, not better.  So read on and I will tell you how you can complain and feel better about your life, yourself, your kids, your car.  Whatever.  Because complaining, like Zen meditation, is an art that once mastered, leads to fulfillment and serenity. 

Keys To Effective Complaining:

Some people complain all the time, about their wives, their cars, their husbands, their kids, their hair, and basically how their lives are just not up to their expectations.  These people think the world owes them.  They walk around with a sense of entitlement that, trust me, will never be satisfied.  If this describes you, this article is not for you.  So stop reading now.  Because you really do need to get over yourself.

Of course, most habitual complainers who feel the “world owes them” do not read self-improvement articles.  So this probably isn’t you.  So go ahead, keep reading.

1. Know who to complain to. Some people are just not the right type of people to complain to.  You know the sort.  The sort that say: “No excuses!” when you tell them why you’re late.  These people should be shot.   I can never understand this mentality.  After all, isn’t it better that I am late because I was stuck in traffic and not because I don’t value your time?  (Of course, “stuck in traffic” really means: I couldn’t find my car keys, AGAIN, but that’s a whole other article).

Other people to avoid complaining to are “one uppers”.. You know them.  Whatever you’ve got they’ve had twice, and once with chicken pox.  In fact, these people should be avoided altogether.

Personally, I save up all my complaining for my husband.  He looks at me sympathetically, hugs me, and acts like my minor complaints are sufficient reason for his major sympathy (he’s mine; you can’t have him).  This is the sort of person you should complain to (and possibly marry).

2. Know where and when to complain. Complaining at work is usually not a good idea, ever.  Complaining is best saved for when you get home from work.  Complaining in public is also not a good idea .  It is always best to complain behind closed doors.  As well, your complaining will get better results (ie. sympathetic ones) if you know when to complain.  Good times to complain are: after you made your husband/wife dinner, or really any time when the person you are complaining to is not: sick, hungry, irritable, complaining him/herself, or watching a hockey game.

3. Save your complaints. It’s kind of like counting your blessings, only it’s the exact opposite.  So next time you are having a really $%^& day, write a list of all your complaints.  That way when the person who you intend on complaining to gets home you’ll have your list ready.

You may be thinking: “Isn’t saving my complaints going to make me more miserable?”  The answer is no.  Because in all likelihood, your complaints are stupid.  At least mine usually are.  And often times a bad day, when compiled in the form of numbered complaints on a piece of lined paper, doesn’t seem that bad after all; and can in fact be rather funny.

4. Complain less. People are going to be much more likely to listen sympathetically if you don’t complain all the time.  Know anyone who complains all the time?  What do you do?  Tune them out?  Well, that’s what I do (and what I’m afraid some people do to me).  Surprise people by complaining less often. This way they won’t start to automatically tune you out.

Listing your complaints can help with this.  If you find yourself complaining to the extent that no one wants to hear it anymore, you can just write it down.  And then, once a week or so, you can read off all the horrible things that have happened to you that week.  Long lists of complaints are much more impressive and interesting than consistent complaining (and don‘t you want to be impressive and interesting?).

This way people will assume the week you just had was especially horrible.  The definite upside to weekly complaining is that most people don’t keep lists of all the crappy things that happen during the week,  and so they probably won’t catch on that their week was just as annoying as yours.

5. Lastly be thankful. Being thankful is the ultimate way to complain effectively.  After all, if you don’t first know how good you have it, how are you ever going to know when things start to really suck?

While you’re writing your list of complaints, try writing out a list of things you are grateful for.  This way when you complain to your person of choice, you can also mention some of the items on your gratitude list.  This will help to further secure the person’s sympathy.  Think: “Aww, you poor thing, keeping such a good attitude up!”  Of course, sometimes writing a list of what you are grateful for isn’t recommended.  Sometimes it will only annoy you further.  At times like this, forgo the gratitude list altogether, and see if you can come up with ten extra complaints.