My partner and I have a three-and-a-half-month-old baby girl. We are both in our late 30s and this is our first child. She is by and large a very good baby: sleeps most of the evening most nights, however she has issues sleeping through the day. My partner seems to get very frustrated with the baby if she doesn’t go to sleep during the day when I am at work. My partner will get very angry with our little girl and I worry that this just makes the problem worse as my partner is very used to being able to control everything around her, but now all of a sudden she has a baby that won’t listen to reason. I’m a pretty patient guy and I understand that she is just a baby and can’t be controlled.

It is really affecting our relationship and I worry that it will badly affect our child. I’ve tried to point it out to her, offer her alternatives, but I end up getting my head bitten off. How do I help my partner chill out and stop getting so angry?

This is a tough one with no magic bullets. You have taken a rational approach, but it isn’t working. It is a big deal for the reasons you describe, plus this can’t be making your partner feel good as a mom. Make sure she is not showing other signs of postpartum depression.

At 3.5 months, your partner is past the shock of sleep deprivation and the stress of learning to be a mom, and is now dealing with the reality of being a stay-at-home mom. It can be isolating, boring, and all consuming to care for an infant, and perhaps the only break she gets is when your baby is asleep. She may have wanted to stay home with the baby, but the reality of the day-to-day isn't what she was expecting and it's tough to make sense of those conflicting emotions. Society says she's supposed to be so grateful and happy as new mom, but that just isn't how it is.

Here are some suggestions:

I am seeking a way to help my wife. We just had our first child two weeks ago and she's been extra sore due to the C-section she had to go through. It's made it tougher for her to breast feed since she can't be as mobile as she wants to be. I have tried consoling her but I'm not sure what to say or do. I work a third shift and have no option of working different hours.

Your wife's soreness from the C-section will get better, but she will have other challenges over the next months that will require your extraordinary support.

Since you are working to support your family at night, try to help her get sleep during the day. Take your baby for a ride in a stroller or a walk with a front pack while she takes a nap; getting the baby out of the house should make it easier for her to go to sleep.

Be prepared for her to be frustrated and even angry with you; it is not fair but normal for new moms to use new dads as their emotional punching bag. Respond with understanding, reassurance she is doing a great job with your baby, and tangible steps like helping her get sleep.

With breastfeeding, once one month arrives, mom has the option of pumping so you can feed your baby and let her get 4+ hours of sleep at one time, which is way better than two two-hour stretches.

The first months are tough on dad too as becoming a father is the ultimate rite of manhood. Hang in there.

I am 25 weeks pregnant with our first child and I'm wondering what new dads wish their partners would do to help new dads help new moms. What do dads want us to know?

By the time the baby comes and I am postpartum, my husband will be under a lot of stress with his job. I know I will need help from him, but I don't know what to do to make it easier for him to help me rather than more challenging.

I want to support him becoming a new dad, and support him in supporting me (rather than nag or have unreasonable expectations) but I don't have any frame of reference for what new dads go through.

Of all the questions we receive from moms-to-be, none is better than yours. You have his back as he prepares to be a dad, and want to know how to do it better. This bodes very well for you, your baby, and him down the road, as moms are the key factor in how well a dad does early on with his baby. The stress will kick in for you too once your baby arrives, so developing a plan now in a non-sleep deprived state is a great idea.

Suggestions:

• Understand gatekeeping (new moms' pushing dad away from his baby). It is an instinctual, hormonal reaction for moms and we recommend talking about it with your partner before your baby arrives and agreeing with him that if he calls you on it, you step back so he can figure it out on his own, or even leave the room to avoid the urge to step in.
• Go to an infant care class together. This will give him a head start on learning to care for his baby.
• You will need him at home for awhile. Ask him to plan to make time to be home with you and the baby, maybe that means working in the morning and being at home in the afternoon. He will be glad he spent those first weeks with his new family.

The best suggestion is for him to go to Boot Camp for New Dads if there is one in your area.

My son was born a month ago, which happened to be the most exhausting and exhilarating day of my life. The connection I felt with my wife went to a whole new level.

However, after about two weeks, the way my wife started communicating with me and treating me (in all aspects of our life, not just our baby) have taken a 180 turn. I expected her focus to turn wholly to our son, but it seems anything I do anymore is met with criticism, incredulity, and doubt. I want to practice techniques of soothing and calming, but I can never really try when she comes to the rescue after a short moment of fussiness. When I try to give her a break and baby starts fussing she comes running into the room telling me, "No, you're not doing it right!" and takes him to the next room. That's just a single example of an action that's pushing me away. I've noticed in myself that I'm reluctant to want to help out. I really want to bring up how my wife's behavior is affecting me, but the times when the baby is calm, she's usually napping with him. How can I bring this up when fussy baby isn't stressing us out already?

This is classic gatekeeping – it is innate in new moms going back to cave moms; since saber tooth tigers, etc. etc. no longer exist, you have become the major threat to her baby because you don’t do it her way. She is also overwhelmed and sleep deprived in taking care of her baby and on drug-like supercharged hormones, and may be angry with you that you don’t know how to do it "right." (Though all the research says babies are better off with both parents caring for them in their own way.) Avoiding gatekeeping is a high priority among moms-to-be in our Boot Camp for New Moms workshops; they learn talk about it with dad-to-be before the baby arrives.

Understand it is normal, do not take it personally, and avoid being pushed away from your own baby by:

1. Becoming an expert on calming (their crying peaks at 6 weeks or so, and the worse it gets the better for you because she will be more likely to accept help)
2. Getting mom out of the house alone, leaving the baby with you
3. Taking your baby out of the house with you (the ultimate bonding time for a new dad and his son).

Your other challenge is broaching the issue with mom, which goes well beyond gatekeeping. Two-thirds of new parents find their relationship suffers in the long run, and unresolved issues like this are the main cause. Learning to work together is the ultimate challenge for new moms and dads, and if you get this issue fixed, you two will have taken a big step forward towards teamwork. Tell her something you learned on calming “her” crying baby; write her a concise note saying you want to be a great dad for her child and need her to give you the opportunity; and if she does not respond, tell her “we need to talk for the sake of our baby”.

I’m 22 and haven’t spent a lot of time around babies. My partner is 28 weeks pregnant and we are expecting our son soon. I would just like to know if anyone could give me any pointers with the first couple of weeks of parenthood. I work "fly in fly out" (away for two weeks then home for one) and just want to make sure I do everything I can to make sure my son is OK and my partner isn’t overwhelmed.

You are in a tough situation, as you know. You want to be a good dad and also have to support your new family. Here are some suggestions on how to be there for your family:

1. The big issue will be your wife who will be on her own as a new mom, so focus on getting support for her while you are gone, and let her know that now. This may involve arranging for her mother (or yours) to help her out with the baby when you are gone, or something along these lines.
2. No matter how much she appreciates your hard work, it will still be overwhelming for her to be alone with the baby for long stretches with little relief, so don't take it personally if she still gets upset about the load she's having to bear. Call and video chat with her regularly, make sure her support system is checking in with her a lot, and let her know she can always put the baby somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes to calm down.
3. As you get closer to the birth, or soon after your baby arrives, depending on your wife’s frame of mind, you might conclude that you need to be home with her. This would involve your telling your boss you need to take time off.
4. The next biggest issue is your relationship with your child. When you are gone a lot and mom is handling most of the childcare, it can be tough to work yourself into "their" routine. So double down on bonding with your baby when you are home; this will be what mom appreciates most.

]]> Mom and Baby Care, Work and Life Balance, 2017-03-01T23:33:31+00:00 http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/how-should-dad-help-after-c-section/ http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/how-should-dad-help-after-c-section/#When:16:00:08Z

It's been two weeks since the birth (C-section) of my daughter and I need to go back to work.

I am up at night with my partner to care for our daughter and will not be able to function at work. How much longer is my help needed at night post C-section? Is there a way for each of us to get some uninterrupted sleep? What is the role of father 2 weeks after a C-section?

The goal should be 4 hours of straight sleep for both of you, with you taking a round of feeding, burping, diapering at night so mom can sleep through.

This means that if mom is breastfeeding, the earlier she tries pumping so you can give a bottle the sooner those four-hour shifts can start. If your baby is well established on breastfeeding, suggest the bottle to mom for just one shift at night to minimize any risk of nipple confusion (i.e., your baby likes the easier flowing bottle better than the breast). This is essentially a trade off for mom between sleep and the hassle of a breast pump.

A common observation of dads whose partners' had C-sections is, "I had to do everything for the first ten days". By then mom can get out of bed and move around, and will steadily get back in form - but she's still a new mom, and generally feeling overwhelmed and needing all the help she can get. So the new mom in your life may be reluctant to give up the support you have been providing, and may even feel like your getting the easy end of the deal by "getting" to go back away from the demands of a newborn. At two weeks, a shift is in order though, since you need your sleep to be able to work.

Outside of a night shift on the feeding, you might try sleeping in another room, taking a nap on your lunch break, or going to bed early when possible. Welcome to the crucible of new fatherhood.

The upside of C-sections is that you're heavy involvement with the baby earns you credibility with mom regarding your baby, and later on she will remember you were there for her when it counted. Just remember: creating a family - the basic building block of humanity - is a very big deal.

]]> Mom and Baby Care, 2016-12-14T16:00:08+00:00 http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/baby-wont-stop-crying-in-dads-new-home/ http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/baby-wont-stop-crying-in-dads-new-home/#When:23:19:33Z

I have recently split up with my partner and we have a 10-month-old son.

My problem is every time I try to spend some time with my son alone he will not stop crying when in my new home. He is fine when I am with him alone at my old house (were me and my ex lived together) or taking him out for a walk in his pram. For some reason whenever I have him at my new house he won't stop crying and screaming.

This is making me feel very upset and down. I don't get to see him often and because of this problem I can only spend time with him when taking him out for a walk in the pram or if I am with the company of my ex-partner.

I would really like to spend time with him alone but I don't know how to get around this problem. The last time he was here, he was crying non-stop for over an hour and a half before I had to call his mum. I find it very distressing and it seems he won't ever stop crying.

Even dads living with moms get this reaction from their babies from time to time, so one dad used a picture of mom as a mask to bottle-feed his baby.

It's time to ramp up your crying skills! Try getting a baby back pack and put him on your back (or front facing out so he can see), put on headphones, and take long walks.The sights and sounds should distract him from whatever is bothering him, and when he does calm down, take off the head phones and talk to him like a tour guide, describing everything you see.

Babies do not respond well to change. Here are some suggestions to help him get used to his new home:

• Take his blanket with him so he has a familiar smell in his new house.
• Put him into his car seat in your house.
• Show him a picture of mom so he sees something familiar.
• Try not to take it personally; he is not rejecting you, he just doesn’t like being in an unfamiliar place
• Give it some time; he has to get used to your house.

Remember, this is a phase and you will get through it, and when you do, you will know you hung in there for your son when he really needed it.

]]> Mom and Baby Care, 2016-12-07T23:19:33+00:00 http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/OCD-taking-happiness-out-of-becoming-a-dad/ http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/OCD-taking-happiness-out-of-becoming-a-dad/#When:14:50:37Z

In the beginning when my partner told me she was pregnant I was felt so joyful and happy with endorphins all over the place because I was going to be a father. I was happy and content for a week and then the devil enters my mind and says, "Is that baby really yours?" Ever since that thought came into my head, feelings of happiness, joy, and excitement all vanished. At this point I'm confused and depressed because I can't get those good feelings back. It's like someone just turned off a switch in my brain. I can't get excited about my baby anymore.

It's now 9 months and she's due any day now. When people ask me, "Are you excited?" I don't feel all that much. I do have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and I'm not sure if I'm obsessing. I just hope i will be able to feel the love for my child when she is born. I also compare myself to other fathers saying, "They love their child and I don't feel anything." I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this. I also feel that I have no connection with the pregnancy, but its supposed to change my life, right? I am a little excited the day is coming but I'm just so confused.

What you're describing does sound like you're feeding you're obsessive tenancies. Do you see someone for your OCD? They would certainly be a good place to talk about these thoughts and find some solutions to help you manage your thoughts. If you aren't seeing someone, try finding a therapist through your health insurance.

A lot of men with their first baby on the way end up thinking a wide range of nonsensical thoughts because of all the changes and stress that is happening. Wondering if the baby is yours is a classic one.

To break through your cycle of obsessive thinking, take the initiative as a dad. Get informed on breastfeeding so if your partner and your baby run into problems, you are ready to help. Use the six-page fold out Childbirth Coaching Guide from Crash Course for Dads-to-Be to get prepared for the birth and help her through the delivery. Add anything else you can think of to help get your new family started.

New moms start bonding when they get pregnant, while dads usually start at birth. The average time it takes for a new dad to feel bonded to his baby is 4 months, so don’t expect to love your baby at birth, it's totally normal. Focus on how to take care of her; the nurses will show you how, and your hands-on care of your baby is the key; your and her biology will take it from there. You will essentially be falling in love with each other, and at about 3-4 months, she will smile when she sees you. Being the king of baby baths is a great way to get you and baby spending time together.

]]> Fathering Fears, 2016-09-28T14:50:37+00:00 http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/rage-at-second-babys-crying/ http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/rage-at-second-babys-crying/#When:15:53:30Z

I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. I never felt rage with my first son but with my youngest, when he cries it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. When it starts I get a rage that starts in my gut that feels like anxiety at first. He is a beautiful baby boy and I love him a lot but when I catch myself wanting to yell at a baby and even feeling violent it scares me more than anything. My wife gets mad that I feel this way but I have no idea what to do. Is there any suggestions for how to stop or at least harness this rage so I can enjoy him as much as I did my first?

Here are some suggestions for you to consider:

• Show your wife this attempt to get help and tell her you totally understand her getting mad but need her understanding and support to get this handled. You need her to have your back.
• Ask her to take over with the baby when you first feel the anxiety, so you can leave the scene and learn to calm down before it builds into rage. Use the timeout to think through and get a handle on your feelings; try some exercise to get beyond it.
• Do something different to handle your baby’s crying. Use headphones by cranking them up, and taking your baby for a walk in the stroller. This is another chance to react with a strategy that calms both you and your baby down.
• Build your baby calming skill set. Figuring out what your baby's crying triggers and soothing preferences are will boost your confidence and help you feel more in control of the situation.
• Check out anger management web sites to get insights on what you are experiencing and how to deal with it. This includes humor, and developing relaxation skills such as deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal, or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.”

You already took a big step by reaching out; the next is developing a plan of action when you feel the anxiety and anger rising. You are aware of the dangers of rage; if it develops you need to just walk away from your crying baby, who will be perfectly fine.

]]> Fathering Fears, 2016-08-10T15:53:30+00:00 http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/feeling-guilty-about-not-connecting-with-baby/ http://www.dadsadventure.com/ask-a-dad/feeling-guilty-about-not-connecting-with-baby/#When:15:03:58Z

I discovered DadsAdventure.com after a long fought struggle with my son today. He is four months old, completely healthy and is an absolutely handsome little man. But I find myself feeling further and further from him every day.

I have run through every course of emotions with him and still find myself struggling to meet in a place where I feel "love" for him. I think one of the worst feelings is that I can not deal with his crying even for a couple of minutes. When he cries I immediately jump to anger and become beyond irrational. It is to the point my wife and I are at odds over the struggle. I have tried to "find a happy" place or "change what I am trying" but continue to find myself struggling more the next day than the one before. I often times end up feeling so angry that I wish he wasn't in my life all together. Words can not describe how guilty I feel when everything calms down and I think about my anger and emotion towards him during our battle.

Any advice to help me get back in the saddle would be great, I have so much to be thankful for with him; I just can't seem to find the common ground.

We receive a variety of emails like yours. There are a lot of guys who have problems; very few reach out for solutions, so consider yourself committed, which is most of the battle.

Advice for curbing your escalating frustration and anger:

1. Get headphones and crank up your favorite music. Put your son in a stroller or front pack when it is time for him to sleep, say bye to the wife and go for a walk. Once out, if you hear him crying, crank up headphones and walk faster, he will be fine. This gives your wife a break, she sees her husband taking care of her baby, and you spend some quality time with your boy. If this works for you, keep it up, daily if possible.
2. Try to figure out what is triggering your reaction to the crying. Dig into your feelings to see if you can find a clue; getting it out on the table typically helps you process it and put it behind you. (A professional counselor can help you with this.)
3. Think of something you want to do with your son in future as he grows up and take a step in that direction. If it is surfing, look for baby swim lessons you can take him to. If it is working on your car, give him a plastic child tool set and let him play with it.
]]> Fathering Fears, Parenting, 2016-06-15T15:03:58+00:00