Well, today you get to be privy to one of our inside jokes. When my wife and I go out places we often play a game. Call it an adult version of “I Spy.” Except instead of it being things like “I Spy a pumpkin patch” or “I Spy a mailman,” we prefer to point out amusing things like “I Spy a bad toupee”  or “I Spy a prison tattoo” (I see these in the ER where I work regularly).

Sometimes we assign point values to our finds. So a scooter shopper might be worth one point, but a scooter shopper with 7 kids is worth three. If the scooter shopper with 7 kids is wearing pajamas - 5 points. And so on. Usually we just make up the points on the spot.

Now, I know some of you might object to this sorta snobbish and elitist behavior, but our defense is that it is just a continuation of the black humor we have developed as a defense mechanism in our jobs. That being said, I’m starting to find that more and more people are getting in on the act. Like many of you, we’ve started getting emails from friends about The People of Wal-Mart. Three friends started the site in August of 2009 and it has grown in popularity since then. So apparently we’re not the only ones out there laughing at their neighbors. Good to know.

Below is my Wal-Mart bingo card from last Sunday’s trip to Mall-Wart. (Note that all I needed for the win was a hair curler lady or a kitten giveaway.) I’m also including a blank so you can feel free to play along. Click to enlarge.

WalMart Bingo Sunday Sept 27

WalMart Bingo Blank

Lately, McKenna has been all about the Ting Tings.  So, usually around once a day she’ll ask me to play the video on youtube so she can sing along.  I love her to death, but her singing voice is only marginally better than nails on a chalk board.

Here’s a sample.  Listen at your own risk.

Here’s her favorite video.

Last week, the family went down to the Cape for a great week of relaxation and some rest. We had two set of friends come to visit for a few days each during that week and despite some rather crappy weather at the beginning of the week, we had a great time.

Friday night April decided that she wanted to make a new lobster pasta dish, so she picked up 4 small lobsters and it was my job to cook and pick the little buggers so she could add the meat to her sauce.

Now, for years I’ve been amazing my friends and in-laws with my “put the lobster to sleep trick.” It’s really not that hard, you’ve just got to position them just so and rub them the right way and they will literally stand on their head asleep.

Here’s a short video of another old salt demonstrating the trick:

I was showing this trick to Justin so he could try it and McKenna was playing around in the kitchen close by. First I demonstrated the technique for Justin and then he tried it.

A few minutes later McKenna came up to me and tugged on my shorts leg and asked if she could see one of the lobsters. I encourage this sort of thing. When I catch snakes or turtles in the yard I make sure she gets to play with them and earlier in the week I caught a live horseshoe crab on Skaket beach and did a little science class for the kids. As a consequence, McKenna is not fearful and will pick up just about anything.

I took one of the lobsters out of the sink and put it on the kitchen floor for her.

Check out below what she did:

Step 1 - Grab lobster

Step 2 - Position and massage lobster

Step 3 - Balance lobster on head

Step 4 - Lobster Fast Asleep

That’s right! The whole time that I was showing Justin how to put them to sleep and she was playing nearby, she was really eavesdropping and paying attention. No disrespect to Justin, who did learn the trick, but McKenna got her lobster to sleep and in the tripod position even faster. Now, I would be proud of her if I had shown her how to do it and she was able to then repeat it, but I’m truly amazed by her ability to pick up everything around her. Her mind is like a sponge. No I take that back, it’s like the Sham-Wow.

Anyway, sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. You should check out my other blog too. It is geared more towards runners and triathletes, but I often post about my kids on that site too. If you have any stories about your kids doing something amazing, post a comment and let me know.

Nothing says stupid driver faster than a pair of fake testicles on the trailer hitch.

Today’s comment - “Aubrey will be due for another appointment in 3 months. You can have your wife call us when you get home to schedule that appointment.”

Seriously!?!

I bit my tongue and held back what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say something along the lines of, “No, sometimes my wife lets me leave the house with both my balls and my brain and lucky for us, today just happens to be one of those days.” Instead I politely responded, “That won’t be necessary, Thank you. I can schedule it now.” Adding insult to injury was the fact that this kid was maybe 19 and probably not even a parent herself.

On previous visits I’ve had the clinic nurse instruct me on how to hold my child so that I could console her when she began crying (after the shots), and 3 or 4 visits ago, the receptionist used my all time favorite back-handed compliment “Oh how nice. Daddy is baby sitting today.” I didn’t bite my tongue that time. My knee jerk response escaped my lips before I could stop it. I replied, “Please explain to me how the hell you babysit your own kids.”

So, to the ladies of the world, please don’t assume that dads are stupid when it comes to their own kids, and we won’t assume that you can’t teach junior how to throw a four-seam fastball.

What is Daddy’s way? This might best be illustrated with an example. Last week I was getting McKenna ready for gymnastics. I was of course running late, and I still needed to do her hair. I ran around and looked in all the usual places, but for the life of me, I could not find her comb or hair brush. So what did I do? I did it Daddy’s way. I plopped her butt up on the kitchen counter, opened up the silverware drawer and proceeded to comb her hair with a fork. Yup, a fork! And you know what? We made it to gymnastics on time.

Here’s another example…last weekend we celebrated McKenna’s birthday and had a small party in the backyard. When it came time to light the candles on the cake, I watched my wife click the lighter a few dozen times only to watch the wind blow it out over and over again. So what did I do? I did it Daddy’s way. (See below)

Now, there are many things that I do Daddy’s way, and there are a few reasons why I do them. First and foremost, my mind is a little off and I tend to look at things a little askew. Second, the shock value. Part of the fun of being a daddy is screwing with your wife and kids’ minds a little. The more whacked they think I am, the better. Lastly, I like to do things my own way at home to subtly exert a little control in the domestic sphere. Sure, I know my wife is a domestic goddess and I know that she runs the show for the most part, but if I consider a soft serve ice cream cone an acceptable lunch from time to time, so be it. That’s just Daddy’s way.

So, to all the daddies out there, keep doing things your own way. And let the rest of us know what it is that you do that makes your kids roll their eyes.

McKenna’s Playlist (Her most often requested songs when we are driving in the car.)

Vampire Weekend - “I Stand Corrected”

Jack Johnson - “Bubble Toes”, but honestly, any Jack Johnson will do.

Talking Heads - “Psycho Killer”

Flobots - “Handlebars”

TV on the Radio - “Wolf Like Me”

Foo Fighters - “The Pretender”

The Killers - “Jenny was a Friend of Mine”

Death Cab for Cutie - “I Will Follow You into the Dark”

Jack White and Alicia Keys - “Another Way to Die”

Howard Jones -”Things Could Only Get Better”

What do your kids like?

Last night we were sitting at the dinner table and talking about whatever when McKenna chimed in with what she wanted to do after dinner.

“I want to color,” she said.
I said, “Oh yeah, what do you want to color?”
She replied, “I want to color an Easter picture for Barack Obama.”
With a small amount of surprise I said, “Really?”
“Yup. I want to color a squirrel for him. Can we send it to him?”
“OK. If you do a good job eating your dinner, you can do a coloring for President Obama and I promise I will mail it to him.”
As if to underline the importance she said, “Barack Obama is the 44th president.”

After dinner she sat down and colored a picture to send to our president.

During bath time she was still talking about it. I could hear her asking my wife if President Obama would hang it on his refrigerator.

So, like a dutiful father I wrote a quick little letter for the enclosed piece of art and mailed it off this morning.

I hope he (or at least a staffer) enjoys it. I know McKenna did.

McKenna's coloring for President Obama

But the point is that we watched the whole episode. I can still remember the main song - Yeah, there’s a party in my tummy.”

So, fast-forward to Friday night. Noggin has been advertising for weeks now that Jack Black was coming on the show. We set our DVR to capture it, you know, just in case we were out or something. It was almost like being a kid again, waiting for the Michael Jackson Thriller video premiere on Mtv (remember when Mtv played videos?).

I won’t even pretend that I haven’t completely lost it. But I’m too far gone to even care anymore. DJ Lance is da bomb, and I’ve got just the physique to pull off the orange jumpsuit for halloween this year. You wait.

Anyway, for those of you who missed it, here’s a little preview.

Lil’ tiny babies are lame.  

There I said it.  Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s a guy thing, I don’t know.  One of the PAs I work with in the ER jokes around that looking at pictures of other peoples babies is like looking at a toaster.  To a certain extent he’s right.  They don’t do anything, they’re just there.  

Aubrey was an especially difficult newborn. Let me re-phrase - Aubrey was more difficult than McKenna.  McKenna was easy and she almost certainly spoiled us.  Aubrey on the other hand earned a rather dubious nickname in her first few months.  I used to call her my “Lil’ Black Hole of Need.”  Take take take take take take.  ”When are you going to do something useful!!??!,” I would think. 
Well over the past few months, she’s finally starting to get cool.  She’s starting to walk while holding onto furniture.  She’s feeding herself.  Her vocabulary has gone beyond monosyllabic shrieks.   She says Dada and Nana and Ripey (Ripley is our dog).  Tonight was first time I really noticed that she can play in the tub now.

I used to hate bath time with her.  She hates to be still and she is a real wiggle worm.  Bath time for me was 10 minutes of near constant fear that she was going spin around quickly and swallow half the tub in one gulp.

Now she sits there and plays with her toys.  She enjoys being splashed and I’ve started the “dump-the-cup-of-water-over-my-head” game that McKenna still enjoys to this day.  I can’t wait until next month when she starts swim class.
My little girl is growing up.  My little girl is starting to get cool.

Drying off in the mirror.

I have to mention that my wife and I react very differently to Aubrey’s growth and development.  I get excited.  Every time she does something new, I think about how much closer we are to teaching her to ski, to enrolling her in gymnastics, to seeing her chase her first soccer ball or deliver her first one liner in the school play.  My wife sees these things too, but she also gets a little wistful.  Her whole face changes.  She contemplates how Aubrey is our last baby and that these “firsts” will be our “last firsts.”  I can see her point, but I’d rather think about how much fun we’re having now.