Daddy Blogs

Look Who's Burping

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:28:00 +0000

I think my laughing at the end scared him more than his burp.

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Before we return to the regularly (or not so regularly) scheduled posts on life as a new dad, it's important to note that I'm not doing this alone. Behind every good daddyblog post is a good mommy making this possible. So without further ado, I give you the reasons why I am so lucky to have such a great partner:

1. Stephanie still wakes up and feeds Alex in the middle of the night and I rarely realize this has happened until she tells me in the morning.

2. I have never seen her get frustrated or angry in the past 8 months - regardless of how little sleep she is running on or difficult of a day she's had at work. She comes home, sees Alex and smiles like there's not a care in the world. Actually this is more creepy than anything else.

3. Steph has been selflessly pushing Alex to say "dadda" as his first word - at least while I'm in the room. For all I know she could be telling him he doesn't even have a dad when I'm just downstairs watching TV. But that's okay because I tell Alex that I won this "Stephanie" woman we call "mommy" in an illegal Russian gambling den hidden deep beneath the Kremlin.

4. Hygeine. Hers, mine and the babies. Steph does the lionshare (read: all) of the laundry in the house. This is no small task. Alex has a lot of clothes and has outfit changes like a Cher concert (I tried really hard not to reference Cher here because it seemed really gay but Steph and I did see Cher years ago and she changes her clothes a lot. It's just a fact.) Oh and back to hygeine, she bathes him and it's not at all traumatic like it is when daddy does it. Bath time with dadda is very utilitarian: "We clean this. We clean that. Hold still. Clean here. Why didn't I grab a towel? Don't move. Why are you so slippery?" Alex loves his bath time with momma. There are toys and laughter and nobody's crying.

5. And last but not least, after all of the above, she still has the patience to listen to my bad jokes, read my offensive facebook status updates and put up with my continuous TV commentary.

I love you Steph!

Movie Popcorn

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 03:31:00 +0000

I miss it. I do. I really really miss it. Before Alex was born we were on a regular schedule of eating sushi on Friday nights and on Saturday nights either staying home and getting our wine on or going out to see a movie. I don't miss any of those things except for the popcorn at the movie theatre. I have always loved movie popcorn from very early on when my mom would run into the Crown theatre and get a bucket of popcorn on nights we had rented a vcr (yeah they used to rent those things) . I was walking by a movie theatre in San Francisco this past week and when I smelled the aroma of that fake buttery goodness I almost punched the nearest person square in the jaw like a horny dude picking up a heavy object to relieve his tension (does that really work?). Yes, this is where I'm at now. I need it. I need it bad man. And unfortunately there's no substitute for it. Where's the methodone to my heroin addiction that comes in a greasy bag and smells like my son's farts? Which leads me to this:

Why does my baby's poop smell like popcorn? I believe it is God's way of helping the movie industry stay afloat by constantly reminding parents that when all this hell of sleepless nights and changing diapers is over - popcorn and movies will still be there.

Alex Sitting . . . sort of.

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 04:06:00 +0000

Untitled from Danny Kourianos on Vimeo.

"Please don't let me have hair like that . . ."

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:51:00 +0000

Percentiles

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:28:00 +0000

Today was Alex's 4-month appointment. And as customary at these meetings, the doctor gave us a diagram showing where Alex's weight and height plot against other babies in his age group. Now, I know this is important stuff for some parents, but not me. I want to know the important key performance indicators. Show me where my baby stands in terms of relative likelihood of becoming a total douchebag when he grows up. Show me what percentile Alex falls in for showing an increased predisposition for wearing golf visors. These are things that are important to me. I guess you can infer some of that based on weight and height.

For example, he's currently in the 95th percentile for height and in the 75th percentile for weight. So based on this I could assume he's going to be tall and skinny. And assuming he's going to keep these blue eyes and his mom's good hair - we are totally fucked . Why aren't I more happy about this? Because when you're blessed with good looks you don't have any motivation to try. Everything is just handed to you in life. And you remember the good looking kids in your high school, right? Yeah, supreme douche nozzles. So, that just means it's up to Stephanie and I to keep his self-esteem in check. Right from the get go he's going to hear: "Hey, I didn't realize shitting your pants in public was all the rage now." Or, "I guess grabbing it with your hands and rubbing it all over your face is ONE way to eat spaghetti. . ." As you can see I just want what's best for my baby.

Hilarious

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 05:40:00 +0000

Alex woke Steph and I up at 4am today. It's hard to be upset when the reason he wakes you is because he's laughing so loudly. Actually it's a little disturbing. A giggling baby on a Sunday morning is adorable. A cackling baby at 4 in the morning is frightening. The kind of laughing that's a cross between I'm watching Eddie Murphy Delirious and I'm going to chop your head off with this bread knife. So Steph brings him into our bed to get him to calm down because ain't no funny business going on in mommy and daddy's bed. Well this is also apparently hysterical to him, and the boy continues to giggle and squeak and squawk for the next 3 hours. He literally fell back asleep just in time for my alarm to go off.

I decided that he's going to be very unpopular at parties or on dates because he'll be laughing at all the wrong parts in movies or cracking up at the absurdity of a bowl of soup during fancy dinners. I also think it would be awesome if he kept his baby laugh throughout his adulthood. I would love nothing more than to see a grown man with the kind of herky jerky laugh that only a baby makes. Needless to say my caffeine intake today was borderline illegal. I'm not sure if I had any solid foods at all and now I'm sitting here completely wired at midnight. I think I'll creep into Alex's room and start laughing at him now that he's sound asleep and see how he likes it. Who's the funny dadda now!? Hahahahahahahahahaahahahah!

Laughing Baby

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 05:05:00 +0000

Alex Giggling! from Danny Kourianos on Vimeo.

Roadtrip!

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 03:53:00 +0000

Alex had his first visit to Price over the weekend. We went down for my mom's birthday, and what was initally planned as a 4-hour turn and burn visit, turned into an overnight stay thanks to overwhelming demand from the family to hold Alex just a little bit longer, coupled with Steph's fear that every other driver in the canyon would either be asleep or drunk. I think the odds are higher that we would have been hit by a drunk driver on our way to the Super Wal-Mart later that night to pick up something for dinner (since the Pizza Hut already had its chairs stacked at 9:20pm on a Saturday night!!)

Unfortunately, Alex didn't get to have the full tour of the city since we blew into town at 2:30, and were gone by 10am the next morning. All he saw were my mom's photo-collage covered walls, a wind-up Greek dancer music box that my dad kept shoving in his face and a cute picture of a giraffe standing on a mountain of bunnies his cousin Zoey drew for him. Next time I promise to show him the beautiful gas wells, 3dollar stores, the parking lot that once was my elementary school and the greatest Taco Time in the country.

Actually, there are many things I am looking forward to sharing with him about the town that bore his father (but mostly 'bored' his father) as he gets older. But until then I'm sure he's perfectly content with all the attention doted on him by his loving yia yia, aunt Chris, cousin zoey and papou. And if you don't believe me, just look at this picture:

No I Will Not Shoot Your Wedding

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 07:00:00 +0000

Given these tough economic times, Stephanie thought it would be a good idea for me to take some pictures of Alex rather than shill out 400 dollars for a professional photographer to shoot his birth announcement. You know that scene in Coal Miner's Daughter where Loretta Lynn is having her husband Dew shoot the photo for the sleeve of her first single? Well it was a lot like that except without me making Alex leave the room to take off his God Dern makeup. I can't imagine a better way to spend a snowy Saturday morning than yelling at my wife to "please lower the bath towel because I can see your feet in the shot!" Out of the 185 pictures we took, about 4 turned out. I don't think I'll be getting a job at Sears anytime soon.

Here are a few:

Viewer Discretion Advised

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:37:00 +0000

It's going to be hard for me to continue keeping this blog up-to-date, not just because I'm obviously going to be more busy - what with the raising of my son and all - but also because I realize it's going to be difficult for anybody with children of their own to see images and read stories about a baby who is obviously better looking, smarter, funnier, and just more gooder than any other baby in the history of baby making. Such is my burden.

But first a disclaimer: It is not recommended you watch this video if you get upset by things that are so cute you become sick inside. This video contains images that are so adorable your face could literally melt off into a puddle of sweet milk chocolate.

I give you Alexander Daniel Kourianos:

*The video stops after 35 seconds, but the sound goes on for another 2 minutes. I don't know why. I'm already an out of touch dad that doesn't understand technology.

Goodbye Nap Time - A Love Poem

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:56:00 +0000

I realize that with Super Thursday upon us, that my 33 year love affair with the nap has come to an end. I shall mourn my loss with a poem of sorts. Please enjoy:

[Sung to the tune of the Carpenter's Goodbye To Love]

I'll say goodbye to naps
No one ever cared if I should nap or die
Time and time again the chance for naps
has passed me by
And all I know of naps
is how to live without them
I just can't seem to find it.
So I've made my mind up I must live
my life awake
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to naps.
There are no tomorrows for
this pillow of mine
Surely time will lose
these bitter memories

And I'll find that there is
sleeping to believe in
And to live for something
I could nap for.
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day nap is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.
What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls (Sheesh Karen, cheer up already.)
There may come a time
when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.
And it's goodbye to naps
I'll say goodbye to naps.

*Note: I am not sucking my thumb in that photo.

Dirty Work

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:22:00 +0000

[17:13] stephanie: will you be okay washing your son's little wee wee?

[17:13] danny: can't you do it?

[17:13] stephanie: not if you're the one on bath duty that night

[17:13] danny: we have that sprayer in the upstairs bathroom

[17:13] danny: I'll just spray it off

[17:14] stephanie: no. that won't work

[17:14] stephanie: you can't use a rough sprayer on the baby

[17:14] danny: what if I get ferris really wet and soapy and sponge his wee wee with ferris?

[17:14] danny: I'll just make him sit naked on a wet soapy dog like a pony?

[17:15] danny: And then I'll clean ferri's back.

[17:15] stephanie: This is not going on daddyblogs

[17:15] danny: It's like that old Bear poop in the woods joke with the rabbit

[17:15] danny: but with my baby and my dog

[17:15] stephanie: Danny! You will have to bathe our baby which means you will have to wash his baby wee wee

[17:16] stephanie: And make sure it's free of poopies when you change his diaper. I hear that the poop can migrate to the front

[17:16] stephanie: Between cleaning your wee wee and your son's wee wee -- you'll be on wee wee double duty.

[17:17] stephanie: That sounds like fun huh!

A New Era

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:49:00 +0000

My baby is going to be born in a world where having a black president is nothing new. Nice work America. Now I just have to break the news to him about Dukakis. . .

Practice

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 06:07:00 +0000

We really need the baby to come at this point.

Running a marathon with my baby

Hands-free grooming

Hey big guy!

*Actual baby may end up being less hairy

Now Hear This

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 07:01:00 +0000

Sometimes when I'm driving along and a song comes on the radio that I've heard a million times over - so much so that it's not even music but just white noise - I'll try to hear it as if I was hearing it for the first time. It's basically impossible to do, and probably isn't safe while driving, since you have to pretty much focus all of your attention on every minor nuance in the song, but it's thrilling when it works. It usually involves just turning up the song really loud so that you can experience it in a way that maybe you haven't before. I mean when was the last time you listened to a great Beatles song really loud? Be sure to do it with a song that was good in the first place, because the reaction to hearing a Phil Collins song 500 millions times is the same as hearing it for the first time - sort of uneventful. But when you're listening to say, Come Together by the Beatles, and you not only try to hear it with fresh ears, but try placing yourself in the time when it was released and the results are pretty spectacular (especially since Come Together still sounds SO FUCKING GOOD today).

What does this have to do with fatherhood? I'm jealous of the fact that my son has yet to hear any songs. Not one. He hasn't heard Fly Like an Eagle so many times that it's nauseating. He won't automatically think of a Cadillac ad the first time he hears Zeppelin's Rock and Roll and Roger Daltry's gutteral scream in the middle of Won't Get Fooled Again will make him want to run out and change the world rather than think of the opening credits to CSI. Every track ever recorded, all of the iTunes store is just sitting there waiting for him. One Big Exciting Opportunity. I can't wait.

Tom Petty said it best: The wayaaaaaayting is the hardest part"

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:47:00 +0000

Okay, Jana you're right, it has been a long time, and there have been some fun moments in the prep for fatherhood that I definitely should have beeen blogging about. Here's a recap:

Baby Class at Salt Lake Regional

Sort of anti-climatic. We watched videos for 4 weeks and passed around a bed pan full of mini cran-apple juices that the nurse had stole from the cafeteria. What did I learn from all this? I learned that if ladies are going to let the miracle of life be filmed for all prosterity they might want to consider cleaning house down there. There was an expectant mother in the class who kept asking about how she could avoid peeing on herself during labor. The nurse thought she was joking, but the girl was like, "No, really, I'll be so embarrassed." Bonnie, the nurse teaching the class, was awesome though, she said, "Don't worry sweetie, after you shit yourself you won't care anymore." Well maybe she didn't put it quite like that.

Getting the nursery ready

Cribs come in large boxes that are hard to recycle.

Coming up with a name

Everyone has an opinion about this, which is sort of strange, considering it's kind of a personal choice - I mean it's the name I am branding another human life with. Yet people who I wouldn't let me help pick out the toppings on a pizza want to be involved. And people give you the most useless reasoning for why I shouldn't give my child a particular name. "Oh you can't possibly name him George. I knew a George in school and he used to stutter." Well I'm sorry for you that you will have to remember this George kid from 3rd grade every time you see my son which will be never.

On Freedom

We haven't really been taking advantage of our last few moments of freedom before parenthood. You should really do that before you get pregnant because once you find out, it seems that your "old person out of touch with all things relevent and fun" genes kick in. I'll be seeing Metallica just before the baby is born and I can't really think of a better way to say goodbye to my youth. But the fact that I'm seeing them with my friend Erik - who has three kids of his own - gives me hope.

Thanksgiving Baby

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:39:00 +0000

I just had a gross image. With the baby coming right around Thanksgiving, Stephanie is sort of like a human version of a Turducken* - but instead of a Turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken, she's a Human stuffed with a human that's stuffed with whatever babies are stuffed with.

*Stephanie, I promise I won't try to eat our baby.

Baby Talk

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:38:00 +0000

Instant Messenger Conversation with Steph:

[17:31] danny: I can't wait for our class
[17:31] stephanie: me too!!
[17:31] danny: This is when it officially starts to feel like all those pregnancy movies for me.
[17:31] danny: all kinds of wacky shit happens at these classes.
[17:32] stephanie: Putting together the nursery, painting, feeling the kicks - that wasn't official??? All of those things are in pregnancy movies!
[17:32] danny: No, this is when you get to do things like yell out, "Say What??!"
[17:33] stephanie: Tiffany was wondering if there would be any wacky fathers in our class tonight. Then she said, wait, that will probably be danny
[17:34] danny: And you get to say things like, "Oh my husband will be lucky if he doesn't pass out." And then you look at the rest of the girls with a "know what I'm sayin?" look.
[17:35] stephanie: yep...I'll be doing lots of that
[17:36] danny: And then cut to us in an art gallery walking around and you say, "I don't know if you are commited to this!" And I say, "Look, I am in this all the way!" And then it cuts back to scenes from last night of me scanning little toys and books for the registry and you working long hours at your firm and closing deals and then cuts to me at the airport looking at the departures screen seeing the words "Delayed" and looking at my watch.
[17:36] danny: I'm not really sure what this movie is about anymore, it may just be a bunch of different movies.
[17:37] stephanie: yeah. cause that's a really confusing movie
[17:37] danny: Like, "why is he at an airport for no reason?"
[17:37] danny: And, "I didn't know she was a lawyer"

Hair

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:05:00 +0000

Stephanie asked me as we were leaving Blue Plate Diner yesterday - a hipster haven on weekends - if I would have been a hipster had I been given cooler hair? My initial reaction was, "I thought I was a hipster?" But my answer is yes--I would have been much cooler. Well maybe not a hipster, but certainly not the person I am today. Because I think I have just enough of a mixture of self-loathing and narcissism to keep me almost likeable. Adding good hair to the equation would have made me unbearable.

People underestimate how much a man's hair influences his personality. This is why it is very important for my child to have cool hair. I will not be able to re-live the pain and suffering that was bestowed upon me via countless hours under a hot-air dryer waiting for my perm to "take". The only thing that got taken was my dignity.

So when the doctor says, "I'm sorry to say, but it looks like your boy has a shark fin on his back and a duck bill where his foot should be," I'll say, yeah Doc, but how's his hair? And if the answer is, "It's feathered like a goddamn Bee Gees album cover". Then he's going to be fine. Just fine.

Gratitude

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:51:00 +0000

Late last night as Stephanie took Sugar out the front to use the bathroom - because Sugar gets random fears of the backyard - a woman stopped to talk to us as she was walking her own two dogs. After a few pleasantries about the dog whisperer show and types of breed etc, Stephanie mentioned that we wanted to curb our dog's barking because of the impending baby. Turns out this lovely woman does not have children of her own due to a later in life marriage, and fears of the types of complications that can bring. I tried to lighten the mood by saying she is more than welcome to tend our kid whenever she wants because we'll surely be ready for a break soon after his arrival - of course I'm already pimping out my child to ease the tension with some stranger on our block. Anyway, despite my oh-so-clever conversation tactic, you could sense a tinge of sadness or possibly regret in her voice. It sounds like her and her husband have a great marriage and are happy with their two dogs and the lives they've carved out for themselves, but that maybe she was missing out on something. As she rounded up her dogs to leave and just as the first few rain drops started to break up the sticky air, Stephanie mentioned that we too had waited longer than most people and that given recent medical breakthroughs and tests that allow you to find out if any complications are present, I think she may have walked away with a sense of hope. It's entirely possible Stephanie and I completely misread her given the fact that we did just meet this person. I guess my point in all this is that although Stephanie and I waited 7 years after being married to have children, conception did happen very quickly for us, and maybe this late night visitor will serve as a reminder that we should feel very fortunate to be given this opportunity since it doesn't always come easy for everybody. I know I personally never had that epiphanal moment of "Thank God we're pregnant!" I don't think men generally do. I think it's like, "okay, now what's next?" But sometimes it's very humbling to sit back and think to yourself, "this is a responsibility and a gift I have been given". So don't fuck it up.

My Baby's Gonna Be a Stoner

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 05:26:00 +0000

*Denim jacket with RATT and W.A.S.P. buttons not included

The Wait is Over - for now.

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:49:00 +0000

We went in today for the baby's ultrasound and the doctor showed us his penis. I said "Look doctor, you're penis appears to be in fine form but we're just here to find out the sex of our baby". Hey Ohhhhhhh!

That joke is probably older than ultrasound technology. In fact, old tribes used to sit around the campfire and the proud expectant father would say, "We went in for our cave sketching today. Medicine Man show us penis. I say, look Medicine Man, we respectful of your fire stick, but we just want to find out if baby is hunter or gatherer."

Stephanie just read this over my shoulder and asked, "Are you ever going to be sincere about this?" Yes, I am very excited to have a little boy. In fact, I think it finally hit home today as it was one of the first day's in a while that I wasn't stressed out about work and all I could think about was "Who could I tell?" I think my dad was most excited because he collects guns and I . . . well let's just say I don't collect guns. To put it another way, he has a subscription to "Shotgun News" and I have a subscription to Esquire. Maybe when my dad takes his grandson out into the hills for target practice like he did with me when I was 5, when the gun ricochets and knocks him on his ass with his ears still ringing, he'll look up at this old Greek guy standing over him and say, "Let's do that again." And not, "Can I go help mom with dinner?"

Fetal Fotos

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:16:00 +0000

Apparently this place will tell you the sex of your child weeks before most doctors will. Stephanie has been thinking of doing it, but the thought of having my wife get an ultrasound in a strip mall across the street from Southern Exposure just doesn't sound very safe. However, they've given me a great idea for a business name where we will take a photo of your baby immediately following conception:

Sperm Shots

Hey Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

What I will miss

dkourianos@gmail.com (Danny K.) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 20:14:00 +0000

I know it's probably not a great idea for my inaugural "Daddy Blogs" post to be comprised of a list of things that I will miss about not having kids, but however inappropriate, as we get closer to delivery I can't help but think of all the things I will most likely not be able to do once our child is born. I'm sure I am not alone in having these thoughts, as my wife's favorite game of late is "How would we do this with the baby?" Making dinner, "How would we do this with the baby?" Grocery shopping, "How would we do this with the baby?" Most of the time the answer is, "Steph, I would continue [insert activity] while you were with the baby." This usually ends the conversation and we go about making crank calls to Tom and Katie Cruise.

Here then is a partial list of things I will miss about not having a baby:

1. The meth lab where the nursery will now be.

2. Staged readings of David Mamet plays in the backyard.

3. Leaving the bathtub full of water in the event I need an impromptu soak.

4. The handmade wallpaper in the guest room made up of stills from my favorite German porno films.

5. Chompers, our pet kimono dragon.