DRWiseass.com presents "Life with a Twist of Lyme"

Invisible NOT Imaginary!

2013-09-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I had this friend named Dee-Dee. Actually I spelled her name DD because I was too young to spell at the time & didn’t understand vowels, but I did understand the alphabet. Anyway, DD was INVISIBLE, mostly because she was my IMAGINARY friend. Actually that’s the only reason she was invisible, but I digress.

IMAGINARY friend, "DD"
Image courtesy of Pixabay.com

I think I invented DD because I wanted a sister, but GOD gave me a little annoying brother instead. I also wanted a best friend, but when you’re too young to pour your own cereal, nevertheless, drive a car – creating a social life that would secure you a best friend was next to impossible. But I have a terrific imagination, so DD was born!

I can’t recall how long DD was an integral part of my daily life – probably until I went to kindergarten and made real flesh-n-bones friends. Of course, I don’t think I made any best friends in kindergarten because I can’t remember any of their names. As I recall, it wasn’t until 2^nd grade that I made a best friend. Hey – I was a ‘late-bloomer’ in the friendship department, what can I say? Besides – I was terribly shy. (I know that’s probably difficult for some of you to believe!)

But one day – whenever it was - DD just disappeared. I guess I didn’t need her anymore.

In spite of my late start, I did learn how to make & become good friends with many a girl…and a few fellas, too. In the past I’ve actually prided myself on my ability to BE a good friend. In the past, I never imagined I’d have an actual shortage of friendships. But now I do.

I’m fairly certain it’s because I got sick. Not just temporary snotty mucous-kind of sick, but chronically sick, as in “there’s-no-visible-symptoms-so-some-folks-(former-friends)-don’t-believe-me-AND-there’s-really-no- cure-for-this-shit-but-there-are-several-(mostly-expensive)-things-I-can- throw-at-my-symptoms-even-though-I’ll-still-feel-like –hell-most-of-the-time” kind of sick. Because there’s no tangible qualities to the many illness labels I’ve managed to collect over the years, some people have thought of me as a melodramatic hypochondriac. Can you believe that? What assholes!

This lack of tangible quality that my ailments lack places them in the category of “invisible illness”. Now I know what some of you might be thinking. Invisible = Imaginary. NO! If you are one of those folks that just had that thought – might I gently suggest that perhaps you are an asshole, too? If so, here’s your chance to reclaim your status as an anti-asshole, so read on.

With regard to atoms, microbes & illness -- invisible is NOT synonymous with imaginary.

With a nod of thanks to Louis Pasteur and Robert Koch, ‘germ theory’ was developed as far back as 1870. SO - I think it’s fair to say that most people believe in the existence of bacteria these days, and its well they should because bacteria are everywhere. In fact – for reasons unclear to me, back in 1998 some microbiologists in Georgia decided to count them all. (I’ll bet it’s more of an estimate, don’t you?)

Their conclusion? There are 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 bacteria on earth; that’s fifty million trillion trillion!! You’d think with a group numbering that large that you’d be able to see those lil bastards, wouldn’t you? Alas, they are INVISIBLE to the naked eye – but they AREN’T imaginary!

From that bigass number, there are some nasty buggers that cause disease. Some of those diseases cause outward symptoms – some don’t. That’s the main difference between a ‘visible’ and ‘invisible’ disease. Another important note is that most invisible health conditions are considered chronic conditions (and vice versa).

According to a study out by John Hopkins University, in the year 2005, nearly ½ of all Americans (133 million people) were living with some kind of chronic condition, regardless of age, race or economic status. Of that number, nearly 24% had 2 or more chronic conditions, the prevalence of which increased with age and according to gender. By far, women suffer from more multiple chronic conditions than men do. I have no idea why that is so, but it certainly seems a bit unfair, don’t you think?

Chronic health conditions influence individual’s lives in unique ways, initial impact beginning with physical & mental health, influencing employment status, and even the relationships & social life that patients hold most dear. The reason for this is because chronic illness affects everyone differently; some are barely affected at all, while others face actual disability.

This disparity of experience contributes to the overall perception of invisible, chronic illness because even those with the same illness tend to make judgments about others, thinking if other patients complain about their symptoms more than they do – they must certainly be attention-seeking hypochondriacs. Yes, we live in such a judgmental society, so quick to draw conclusions about others & cast aspersions upon their character.

For example, every arthritis sufferer experiences their own unique pain and within a particular range of severity. For some people whose experience is on the lower end of the pain scale, it is difficult for them to truly understand the crippling, disabling experience of those suffering at the opposite end of the spectrum. Although I feel blessed that my own (Lyme disease) arthritis pain is nowhere near the most severe part of the continuum, I have still been ridiculed by my own (extended) family members whose arthritis experience is different than my own. It’s strange, but there seems to be some validity to that age-old ‘competition’ of “whose bruise is the most blue.”

Photo courtesy of
Teerapun/freedigitalphotos net.

In addition to being strangely competitive and judgmental, our society seems rather committed to the idea that “seeing is believing.” Combined, these attitudes only seem to reinforce the ignorance and misunderstandings which thrive regarding both chronic & invisible illness.

But here’s another eye-opening statistic: Of the 133 million Americans dealing with chronic illness, a whopping 96% are considered “invisible” conditions. Also out of that 133 million Americans, 25% of them have some kind of activity limitation – ranging from mild limitations all the way to complete disability.

Perhaps the most startling statistics come from the website www.invisibleillnessweek.com, a site committed to bringing awareness about the conditions & diseases which can overwhelm and devastate the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, suggest that 26 million people are considered to have a SEVERE disability, although of that number, only 7 million people actually use some kind of assistive technology, such as a cane, wheelchair, etc. that would visually indicate a disability is present. Therefore, my rudimentary math skills tell me that 19 million people are severely disabled without any visual cues providing the “proof” for all those naysayers in our society that ‘must see to believe’. If you ask me, that’s a helluva lot of severe INVISIBLE disability!

DR.Wiseass LOVES cake!

In all honesty, after years of illness – I do finally have some kind of visual aid to give witness to the diseases and conditions that plague me. Because of the auto-immune version of hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s disease) that almost destroyed my metabolism, and because of the ongoing pain and fatigue of chronic Lyme disease that is so overwhelming it drastically limits my daily activities, making exercise a near impossibility most of the time - I’ve become a rather large woman. In spite of my therapist’s disapproval, I freely admit that I’m a big lard ass. Yet, instead of people understanding that all my VISIBLE rolls of fat are indicative of years of debilitating illness, many just assume I’m (literally) twice the woman I once was because I must certainly be a big lazy-ass, and because I probably eat lots of cake. Some days I can handle those attitudes which serve to reflect the cruelty & stupidity of others; but other days it just makes me want to curl up into a little ball and do my best to become invisible myself.

Unfortunately, such negative attitudes towards those with invisible chronic illness run rampant – at least for now. Therefore, we must continue building solidarity with our fellow ‘sickos,’ acknowledging the overwhelming ignorance of our fellow man, followed by our own heart-searching decisions to ultimately forgive them for ‘they know not what they do’. Hopefully one day, we can eradicate such destructive & hurtful attitudes if we continue to reach out & teach our fellow citizens about the conditions that cause us such affliction, and even disabilities.

Unlike my invisible and imaginary childhood friend, DD, the chronic illnesses which are my enemies, such as LD, CFS, FMS, IC, IBS, PFD, OAB, etc. – they may all be INVISIBLE, but they are most definitely not IMAGINARY!

Until next time...

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass

~NOT a real doc; just a real wise ASS!

TEYGMZWWB8KB

Top 12 Reasons Writing is Superior to Talking

2013-09-03T18:50:00.000-05:00

These days it seems that our society, in our effort to communicate MORE – to ‘socialize’ MORE, we are actually speaking less. That ironic statement is not made with any statistics to back it up; it just comes from the ‘makes sense to me’ kind of wisdom that occasionally oozes from my gray matter.

I think this transition from preferring spoken communication to written communication most likely started with email, and the resulting satisfaction that came along with it – the contentment that information was efficiently exchanged between two individuals without having unnecessary chit chat or mindless conversations about things like the weather:

“By golly, it’s a real scorcher today – isn’t it?”

“Sure is!”

Oh, gag. Call me lazy, but daily exchanges like that can really be an ass-whooping. If it’s summer in the South – it’s gonna be f’ing hot every damn day. Big newsflash. Do we really need to spend precious energy talking about it? I mean, I’m constipated every damn day, but no one hears me bitching about it…at least no one outside of my home.

Several times a day, the weather gets a meteorologist to announce to the world any noteworthy weather changes – such as that summer miracle known as rain:

“There’s a 90% chance of precipitation today.”

But do I have any similar announcements about any miracle bowel movements I may have – or significant stats such as:

DR. Wiseass's
Constipation Face

“There’s a 90% chance DR. Wiseass will give herself a bucket enema if she doesn’t produce some nice-sized stools today.”

NO. No one knows what’s really going on with my colon, although the look on my face should probably be revealing enough. Anyway – some things just don’t need to be discussed every day ad nauseam, so I say let’s just save the energy and not discuss the same ol' bullshit everyday. Am I right or am I right?

OK, so before some of you start to think DR. Wiseass can really be a cranky-ass bitch (and she DEFINITELY CAN BE) – I’d like to offer the defense that such crabby attitudes come from knowing I SHOULD be a better steward of my time and energy…which means I need to cut down on stupid conversations, which in a round-about way is supposed to be the topic of this post. Or at least I think it is. Hell, I’m starting to confuse myself already.

So back on topic (I think)…

Before everyone had a chance to get thoroughly adjusted to email, the techno geeks invented texting. Wow. What a concept. A faster way to communicate quick thoughts.…unless you’re DR. Wiseass, who doesn’t believe in texting limits. Wait. I do want to be clear: I do believe texting and driving should be outlawed because that's what only narcissistic morons do, and why should a bunch of egomaniacal fools endanger the rest of us? However, I DON'T think there should be any kind of social idea of a word limit with texting. Why? Because word limits are ri-damn-diculous.

However, my techno-wise offspring scolds me frequently, telling me that people won’t read long texts. This puzzles me, as I find my texts both informative, and often rather amusing. (Of course, I have spirochetes in my brain so I can find a pile of dog crap amusing if it’s a weird kind of Lyme day, so whatever…) But my techno-wise offspring is correct, at least with regards to the (necessary) texts I’ve written to some of my extended family members.

Countless times I have composed a thorough text, anticipating all possible questions the recipients may have about the topic at hand, thinking my input is complete, and that I may move on, perhaps taking another well-deserved nap. But hell NO! Moments after sending such a thorough, and often entertaining text – I get the most asinine questions which have ALREADY BEEN ANSWERED within the original text. Most often I just keep referring them back to the original text…or sometimes I will take the time to copy/paste the ONE sentence that answers their stupidass question just to stop the madness.

What gets me is – I’M the damn SICKO in the family with all the f’ing brain fog! SO what the hell is their excuse? And then I realize these dim-witted relations of mine have given me such a gift, for such occurrences provide me the opportunity to be grateful that I “just” have brain fog (along with all the bacteria, viruses and other microscopic bullshit)… But AT LEAST I’m not suffering with both brain fog AND complete and utter stupidity. In spite of the occasional confusion surrounding my texting style – believe you me – I would much rather TEXT these people than exhaust myself further by SPEAKING with them on the phone, or GOD help me – in person!

Once again, before most of us (society) start to truly ‘get the hang’ of one technology, such as texting – the techno-geeks bombard us with another one! Enter the Twitter. And I’d now like to insert my opinion that the word, “tweet” is a ridiculous word. Perhaps it’s because when I think of what the proper future and past tenses of the word should be, not to mention future progressive tense and other grammatical nonsense – it just messes with my mind.

And let’s be honest – who among us HASN’T thought that the appropriate past tense for “tweet” should be “twat” or “twatted” and ultimately, I think that’s rather inappropriate! Don’t you?

As for the restrictions of Tweeting – ludicrous! Can you imagine how difficult it is for someone like me to limit the expression of my complicated, often exhausting thoughts into a mere 140 characters?!! And that includes spaces! It’s absurd – although I will say that because DR. Wiseass likes to be on the cutting edge of technology, I DO have a Twitter account, although at this writing I have made less than 3 twits. Go figure. Anyway, in case you don’t want to miss any of my exciting, future tweets, twats, or twits – here’s my Twitter name thingy:

https://twitter.com/DR_Wiseass

(Note: My Twitter account name has an underscore between DR and Wiseass - like this: DR_Wiseass. Some copycat poser beat me to the punch & got the name DRWiseass ahead of me. Asswipe. Either that, or I did it much much earlier, then proceeded to forget all about creating it! You’ve done that at some point too…yes?)

The thing is, other than tweeting about blog posts, it’s difficult for me to determine what might be a good tweety subject matter. For example, since I don’t have any real media connections, would it be inappropriate for me to announce personal triumphs, such as:

“DR Wiseass has produced a bowel movement that appears almost normal!”

Wow. If that was a real tweet, it’s only using 70 characters which means I would have room for a photo too! And you know what they say about the worth of photos! Ah, that gives me an idea… Why use words when pictures will do?

Before you know it, people are going to start communicating by the occasional grunt and by sending pics via their

Instagram (http://instagram.com/drwiseass/)

or Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/drwiseass/) accounts!

But not me, though! I won’t because I’m not photogenic nor photographically inclined. I’ll stick with words. I like words. I especially like the written word because when I talk I tend to stick my foot so far in my mouth I gag on my ankles.

I happen to think many people in the chronic illness communities (Lyme, CFS, FMS, and so many MORE) also feel this way, they just may not realize it yet. And if they don't feel this way, maybe they should. My reason is simple: Most chronically sick folks have a common, overlapping symptom of brain fog. Brain fog is a term used to describe that feeling of not really being able to think clearly - as if there was literally a fog that has rolled in over the brain. And if you're having brain fog - and SPEAKING - it's likely you're making a fool of yourself. I say that with confidence due to YEARS of foolish experience. So while the list below is written in 1st person, according to MY experience and beliefs...I'm really speaking, rather I'm WRITING on your behalf too. You're welcome. Feel free to send donations of 'thanks' if you're so inclined; good laxatives can be expensive.

So without further ado, the 12 simplistic reasons why writing is superior to talking:

1) Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure out what I want to "say", and by writing, and writing, and writing – I eventually figure it out!

2) Writing allows me to go back and edit out some of the stupid crap I’ve written along the way to discovering what it is I want to say.

3) Writing doesn’t generally require as much energy and breath as talking does, and I generally don’t have to repeat myself with writing, thus saving my precious breath and energy!

4) Writing allows me to slowly reveal my uniquely dynamic personality through my writing style, including my careful word choices; hence, it allows me to use words on paper that I might not otherwise use, such as the word…’hence’, thus making me appear much smarter. Don’t you agree?

5) Writing allows me to write in small bits of time so I may (eventually) communicate fully all of my thoughts regarding a particular subject matter; whereas repetitious phone calls make me seem like a more reckless steward of that most precious commodity we call TIME, along with the most precious resource we sickos have so little of -- ENERGY.

6) Writing allows me the luxury of not having to listen.

7) Writing allows me the opportunity to focus more on my thoughts rather than on what I might say as an answer to all that listening I would have to do otherwise!

8) Writing allows me to communicate with others AND still be able to flush the toilet!

9) Writing allows me to throw together a bunch of info and phrases from previous emails, letters, texts, etc in order to come up with new emails, letters, texts…or blog posts!

10) Writing allows me the opportunity to create a silly list of 10 items so I can pretend I’m practically an equal with David Letterman (haha! I can rarely come up with a list of 10 anythings!)

11) Writing is an excellent form of therapy. After I've determined what it is I want to ~~say~~ WRITE - it offers me an opportunity to 'try on' differing perspectives, even ones that I'd normally consider to be WRONG. Writing allows me the chance to explore an emotional trigger more deeply, thus understanding what specifically about the subject matter really 'tripped' my trigger to begin with; and it also allows me a chance to "ZOOM OUT" and see how insignificant, and often humorous some of my "monster" problems really are in the grand scheme of things.

12) Writing allows me...oh shit, I forgot!

Hmmm… I wonder if there are any online photography classes I could take?

Until next time...

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass

~NOT a real doc; just a real wise ASS!

DR. Wiseass FAQ's

2013-08-24T18:54:00.003-05:00

Recently, after a 6 ½ year hiatus from the Lyme community – DR. Wiseass courageously reappeared, unveiling her NEW site http://drwiseass.com in the process. Prior to her abrupt departure from the ‘community’ in 2007 – she had been quite a prolific blogger at www.twistoflyme.blogspot.com . While DR Wiseass feels the posts & personal information shared on both of these sites should be a sufficient explanation as to "WHO SHE IS" and "WHAT SHE'S ALL ABOUT" – she has be inundated on her own Facebook page with repetitive questioning, which people feel they have the RIGHT to know. So without further ado… the FAQ’s:

1) Who IS DR Wiseass?

DR Wiseass is the pseudonym of an older gal suffering with chronic invisible illness for the greater part of her life. She was diagnosed with Lyme disease in November 2004, and decided in 2005 to start a blog as a vehicle to work through her own struggles, as well as triumphs with this most insidious disease. She chose to keep her true identity anonymous because:

A) She likes to write about her in-laws. No one in their right mind would openly make jokes about their in-laws using their real damn name! DUH!

B) At one brief (stressful) point in time, using her real name, she was quite a vocal advocate in the Lyme community, and found it most necessary to keep the distinction between her real identity and her ‘say-ANYTHING’ pseudonym. She’s smart enough to know some people either don’t understand or “can’t handle” her satirical, sometimes raunchy sense of humor, so she quite wisely has kept both identities separate.

C) It’s her username on Lyme disease message board. While there are so many good people helping out on most message boards, she also knows there are also some very strange folks on there too. In this techno day & age where one’s name & home address are linked for anyone to see – DR. Wiseass KNOWS better than to reveal her true identity …at least NOT with her loud mouthed propensity toward speaking the truth….often with MUCH profanity!

D) It’s her pseudonym; her “gimmick”; her “brand” in which she delivers her own unique brand of humor.

2) OK, but WHO is DR Wiseass? What’s her REAL NAME?

DR. Wiseass is the pseudonym of a humorous blogger that often enjoys using satire & sarcasm to get her points across. She employs a pseudonym for her comical writing style because she would never want to hurt the feelings of her family & friends, even though they sometimes do the most comical (stupid) things.

DR. Wiseass uses an anonymous pseudonym because it also allows her to be more honest & often truly ‘vulnerable’ with regards to her experience as a patient with chronic invisible illness – knowing much too well the day-to-day struggle and cruel injustices heaped upon chronic Lyme disease patients.

3) But I NEED to know WHO she really is! So WHO is she?

DR Wiseass understands first-hand the over-whelming frustration of brain-fog, as it is a common feature – an overlapping symptom – of many chronic invisible illnesses. Because of this, she invites you to return on a different day when, perhaps, the ‘fog has lifted’ and you can better understand that which has already been presented repeatedly.

4) But it’s my RIGHT to know who she is!

DR. Wiseass wonders if, during your childhood, you were not told “NO” very often. Going on that premise, she gently & with compassion welcomes you to the world of adults when she says:

NO. NO, it isn’t your RIGHT to know.

You DO have a RIGHT to pursue happiness, and if you can’t be happy with DR Wiseass’s brand of humor while respecting her RIGHT to privacy – then you are ENCOURAGED to seek happiness & LAUGHTER elsewhere. Anger, even a sense of “righteous anger” that many with chronic illness experience is really NOT conducive to healing. DR. Wiseass wants you to find a place where you may comfortably laugh your ass off.! And YES, even YOU – even though you ‘ve been rather mean & uninviting to her.

5) I’m a blogger too. I’ve been writing for YEARS, and I’ve never felt the need to HIDE behind a pseudynm! I don’t think there’s any accountability when writing under a pseudonym!

Hmmm… DR. Wiseass does find this to be an interesting, and possibly a valid point – to some degree. However, she doesn’t feel that utilizing a pseudonym and refusing to give in to the demands of others to be equivalent to “hiding”:

A) Thanks to YEARS upon YEARS in therapy, DR. Wiseass knows that when people are angry, especially if they are part of a gang mentality, or are engaged in that popular past-time called “cyber-bullying” – they are actually incapable of understanding logical presentations, for they are operating out of their ‘animal brain’ – their limbic system. DR Wiseass knows those that are angry are better dealt with at a later time. Therefore - if DR. Wiseass refuses to answer you – it is often because she is sleeping; at the pharmacy; in the bathroom; writing blog posts; spending time with her family; OR because she doesn’t think any answer she provides you with will be satisfactory to you, and therefore, deems her time too important to waste in attempting such.

B) As far as writing is concerned, DR. Wiseass wonders if your inability to understand her choice to maintain anonymity via a pseudonym is because you assume your writing styles are the same. They are not.

C) IF DR. Wiseass is indeed, ‘hiding’ at all, it is actually for the benefit of her offspring, who just might want to be President of the United States one day – or NOT. Either way, the anonymity chosen by DR. Wiseass is meant to assure nothing she says or writes ever reflects badly upon her child(ren).

6) I still think she’s just HIDING. I don’t trust people who hide. Why should I TRUST her?

YOU SHOULDN'T! In fact, you probably shouldn’t TRUST most of the people you’ve “friended” on your Facebook page. DR. Wiseass feels trust should be earned. That’s why DR. Wiseass isn’t trying to seek donations from you, date you, stalk you, or sell you anything. Instead, DR. Wiseass was simply seeking your cyber-friendship out of a sense of community.

IF, in spite of her “opening up” to everyone via her NEW and OLD blog sites mentioned above - if you continue to feel unsettled by DR. Wiseass’s anonymity – by all means “unfriend” her OR don’t accept her friendship to begin with. Ultimately, it is your choice, which DR. Wiseass certainly respects; and she wishes you well as you go on your way.

7) Well why is she so SARCASTIC? I think SARCASM can be RUDE!

You don’t get the comedy channel, do you?

Most individuals who aspire to comedy at any level (regardless of whether YOU find them funny) utilize sarcasm to some degree. Most of the time when DR. Wiseass is using sarcasm, she is attempting to be funny. HOWEVER, there are, indeed, times DR. Wiseass uses sarcasm INSTEAD of saying or writing what she may truly WANT to say because she doesn’t want to be as rude and inappropriate as she’s certainly capable of being. In other words, her sarcasm is a gift which she shares with you – regardless the reason. You may choose to take offense, if you’d like. Again, that’s YOUR choice.

8) I don’t think SARCASM is funny. I think it’s hurtful.

DR. Wiseass understands many people will not understand her special brand of humor. In such circumstances, she ENCOURAGES you to GO AWAY, for it is not her desire to be hurtful to anyone.

9) Well I’ve heard BAD things about her from some of my friends; is she BAD?

In response to the 1^st part – your friends must not really know DR. Wiseass very well, as DR. Wiseass is certainly not familiar with your friends. Furthermore, DR. Wiseass feels it is probably best we keep it that way.

Regarding part 2 of your question: Define “bad”.

10) I still think she needs to PROVE to me she’s a Lyme disease patient. How do I KNOW?

DR. Wiseass feels it would be an unnecessary inconvenience, as well as an invasion of privacy to have to hunt down her Western Blot results from Igenex labs to prove her Lyme disease diagnosis, or any other diagnosis to anyone on a website. Besides, Lyme disease is a clinical diagnosis and the various LLMD’s she has seen over the years are currently unavailable for comment.

11) I still think I DESERVE to know who she is. Why can’t she tell me in a private message?

Due to DR. Wiseass’s ongoing physical illness, she tires quite easily. At this point, she would like to convey how very fatigued she has become by these incomprehensible questions, and finds your obsession with her identity a bit disturbing. Furthermore, she would like to suggest you find a new hobby, watch a little television, or perhaps give yourself a much-needed enema.

12) Why does she talk or write about herself in 3^rd person? I think that’s creepy.

DR. Wiseass is disheartened to think anyone would judge her writing style as ‘creepy’.

…but that whole 3^rd person thing is weird, isn’t it?

13) OK, well one other thing….

NO!

I do so hope these FAQs help answer the incessant questions which have recently been posted by several individuals on my Facebook site: https://www.facebook.com/dr.wiseass.1, as I am quite finished with this conversation. It is now both my hope & intention to spend my valuable "operational" time writing about the hardships & triumphs faced by those with chronic invisible illness. But then, maybe I just did.

Until next time...

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass

~NOT a real doc; just a real wise ASS!

BREAKING NEWS: The CDC, Lyme disease, and the Almighty Dollar

2013-08-22T06:17:00.002-05:00

My fellow sickos….it has begun.

Monday, August 19, 2013 may go down as a historical day for Lyme disease as the CDC made an important announcement that was decades in the making. Although the CDC has “suspected” that the Lyme disease transmission rates were 10x higher than being reported, it took them several years (DECADES, actually) for them to make an “official” admission that their previous annual reports touting a mere 20,000-30,000 incidences of Lyme disease per year have been WRONG. The CDC finally admits that approximately 300,000 US citizens are contracting Lyme disease EACH YEAR. (And please note that number does not reflect the number of citizens that continue to suffer with the disease each year thereafter…)

While this news is a breath of fresh air for some, since the truth generally smells much better than a steaming pile of bullshit – there are some of us – call us cynics, realists, or just paranoid nuts - who realize there must be some REASON for this self-important governmental bureaucracy to finally make this admission NOW.

Of course, for the cynics, realists, & paranoid nuts, the answer to this mystery lies more with the Almighty Dollar than with the CDC’s quest for truth.

Wanting a greater understanding behind this sudden urge to fess up, I donned my reading glasses so I might read the small print of the CDC’s Press Release when I discovered this new estimate was presented the night before at the 2013 International Conference on Lyme Borreliosis & Other Tick-Borne Disesases held in Boston.

Naturally, curiosity got the better of me so I stopped reading said Press Release and proceeded to the conference website to see what nuggets of information I might unearth. And voila! It was so easy. Right there in the conference’s agenda was the evidence that reinforced my initial cynical idea that the CDC’s new data was provided as the precursor to the eventual announcement of another attempt at a Lyme vaccine. Yep! You heard it here. According to the Session 5 agenda, a presenter from Vienna, Austria was scheduled to present information about the Phase I & II Clinical Trials of “ a Novel Multivalent OspA Vaccine against Lyme Borreliosis in Healthy Adults” blah blah blah. Wow. I can practically smell money at this point.

Then, to confirm my additional suspicions, I scurried on over to the faculty section of the conference’s website where I noticed some familiar names. Names such as Durland Fish, Linda Bockenstedt, Allen Steere, Raymond Dattwyler, Stephen Dumler, John Halperin, & Gary Wormser made my arm pits all slimy for such a list is practically THE Who’s Who of IDSA assholes who authored the infamous, illiterate, & insipient IDSA guidelines of 2007. Certainly, there were many other faculty and participants at this conference, most likely Yale & IDSA cronies, but it was those long familiar names – those whose misguided information that have caused so many patients to be misdiagnosed, mistreated, under-treated, or all - who left such a foul taste in my mouth that I was almost certain my tongue had begun to grow a fine, putrid mold.

In all fairness, there was one recognizable ILADS physician (ILADS = "the good guys") on the conference faculty list, Dr. Brian Fallon. Granted, additional ILADS physicians might have been a part of the conference faculty, or even have been part of the presenters; but I’m a blogger, not a journalist, so I wasn’t about to research and cross-reference every name on the list because damnit, I’m sick and and tired and busy, and besides, I'm not getting paid to write this drivel! Yet noticing Dr. Fallon’s name amidst the aforementioned names caused me to realize what a brave soul Dr. Fallon must be to be surrounded by such pure evil, and in a confined location no less!

After realizing I had gleaned as much useful information I could possibly stomach from the conference site, I returned to the CDC’s website where I found a previous Health Advisory issued back on June 12, 2013 which announced a nationwide shortage on doxycycline, THE ‘go-to’ drug recommended by the good ol’ CDC as the prophylaxis for Lyme disease – with no alternative drug being offered as "effective". Wow…again. Those in the literary community might refer to such information as foreshadowing.

For the innocent and naïve, let me summarize:

In June 2013, the CDC announces: “OMG. There’s a shortage on doxycycline! And there’s really nothing else that will be as effective. Gee whiz. What will happen? I wonder if there will be panic in the streets?”

On August 19, 2013, the CDC announces: “Well we goofed! We suddenly realize that our previous estimates of Lyme disease diagnoses were wrong, mostly because we've only been legitimizing statistics based on our own very faulty & problematic surveillance criteria. But now, we're ready to admit - it’s actually at least 10x MORE! That’s a helluva bigass number, and although we don’t want to come out and actually SAY it, we think the general public should be scared shitless. Also, did you hear there’s a shortage of doxy, the #1 Lyme treatment?”

On August 20, 2013, a speaker at the 2013 International Conference on Lyme Borreliosis and Other Tick-Borne Diseases presents information about a potential upcoming vaccine: “Greetings fellow greedy bastards – we are about to be rolling in the Almighty Dollar because of all the knowledge we’ve stifled -- all at the monetary & health expense of thousands upon thousands of patients; and because of all the research we’ve secretly collaborated on. Of course, this is based upon the assumption that the vaccine doesn’t make healthy people morbidly ill or dead…you know, like the 1^st vaccine did!” (said with an Austrian accent, of course)

Admittedly, these are not direct quotes from any individual in any official capacity because these remarks are much too clear and concise.

And yes, I DO hear some of you thinking that dear ol’ DR. Wiseass must certainly be swimming in cynicism and paranoia. Maybe so. But I’m still a damn realist. And I’d bet my bottom dollar (if I had one) that all the brouhaha and controversy surrounding the topic of chronic Lyme disease is, and always has been, about the Almighty Dollar! Do I hear an “Amen”?!!

Stayed tuned for more…

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass

~NOT a real doc; just a real wise ASS!

THE BETTER PART OF LIFE

2013-08-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve been sick for longer than I care to remember. In all honesty, I’ve been sick off and on for what seems like most, if not all, of my life - at least the better part of it. And I think that’s a rather odd phrase because that ‘better part of it’ not only refers to most of my life, but also, literally, the actual BETTER part of my life - which ironically, is the part I’m living right now.

Was that confusing? I hope so. Reading and writing is more fun if there’s a little mystery involved…as in… “What the hell is she talking about?” And yes, my writing is quite often, even a mystery to me as well.

Before I continue to confuse and amaze us both…allow me to introduce myself. My name is DR. Wiseass. And in answer to your question: “YES! This IS my given name!” I gave it to myself years ago when I realized I might fair a better chance of survival if real physicians thought they were treating one of their fellow ‘peers’.

OK no, that’s a lie. But my initials are “D.R.” and during my life I have been wise; I’ve been an ass; and I’ve also been a wiseass. Hence, DR. Wiseass was born - kinda like a medical WonderWoman for sick people … only without the bright wardrobe and perky boobs. (Sometimes I have a perky wardrobe and bright boobs, but let’s not get too personal too quickly….)

And before any of you morons stopping by think I’m a real doc with any kind of liability insurance or … knowledge -- let me begin by reiterating that I am NOT a real doctor. I do not have an MD, a DO, or even a PhD behind my name. I do have an MSU, which is an honorary doctorate in “Making Shit Up”. I, of course, granted this to myself, along with my class ranking of ‘suma cuma something’. To top that - I also know how to GOOGLE, which makes me like a ‘specialist’ of sorts…whatever sort I want to be at any given time!

Like most fake doctors … I feel I should provide a disclaimer for anyone that can not comprehend humor (i.e. - real doctors) or for those unable to read and understand plain and simple language (i.e. - lawyers) :

Disclaimer (for basic ambulance chasers and their ilk) : This information is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. IF DR. Wiseass was able to diagnose, treat, cure or especially PREVENT any disease - she would do it in a country where the FDA or Big Pharma could not track her down to sue, incarcerate, or even kill her ass for cutting down on their profits. All information provided is for informational and/or entertainment purposes only, and only represents the information gathered, experiences encountered, and the mentally disturbed conclusions drawn by DR. Wiseass while being assaulted with a daily array of vicious bacterial spirochetes, and an ample supply of mind-altering medication. No warranties are provided either explicitly or implicitly as to the validity of any information herein. As a matter of fact - if you believe half of what DR. Wiseass writes, says, or does, it only means you are a blooming idiot, and/or you are fighting your own bacteria, and/or drowning in your own supply of mind-altering medication. Always seek the advice of your physician before making any treatment decisions. And then before taking the advice of your physician, your might get a 2nd opinion, followed by a 3rd and 4th opinion; then you’ll want to call your pastor, ask your mom, and also, don’t forget to GOOGLE the crap outta your “condition”! DRWiseass.com is not responsible for any third-party information referred to from the site. But if you hear of any good parties - please email: drwiseass(at)hotmail(dot)com - she’s always ready for a good time! DRWiseass.com does not directly sell any products…yet; so in the meantime, please feel free to click through and purchase from the links within this website so that DR. Wiseass may collect a small referral fee for products you purchase. Again, please click and buy from links within the site, as DR. Wiseass needs the money…she’s saving up for a new enema bag. DRWiseass.com is not responsible for any issues that you may encounter with the purchase of any products found through sites to which it may link, most especially, but not limited to the purchase of enema bags or other colon related products. DRWiseass.com does not take responsibility for the accuracy of any information found herein, nor does she take responsibility for anything at all.

Now, back to my fans -- the simple folk. Again, dear ones - I am NOT

a doctor. I am just a real wise ASS.

Honestly, being a wiseass has proven to be quite a gift from GOD. Because in my personal and ‘doctoral’ opinion - being a wiseass means one possess the gift of finding and sharing the stupidity, sarcasm and humor in almost anything. As a person with multiple, chronic healing "challenges" I find great comfort and joy through the emotional salve that is laughter.

Aside from my thyroid pills, my anti-microbials, my pain meds, and my magnesium supplements that help me poop, I have found that famous Reader's Digest assertion to be so very true:

Daily exercise of my sarcastic wit is my primary method of acquiring my daily dose of that "best" medicine. And yes, as a matter of fact, I DO laugh at my own stupid jokes. If I can't make myself laugh - what's the damn point?

It's that particular "best" medicine that helps me keep a decent, usually "upbeat" perspective about life, in spite of my daily opportunities to be angry and depressed. So for me, being a wiseass - or at least temporarily wearing the persona of DR. Wiseass - is the best way I can cope with being sick for the better part of my life, during this, the better part of my life.

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass
~ NOT a real doc; just a real wise ASS!

MISERY'S COMPANY

2013-08-03T01:54:00.003-05:00

"Misery loves company" – at least that’s how the old adage goes. At one point in time, I’m not sure I really understood such a gloomy sentiment. Then, I got sick….(again and AGAIN)…and for a really long time. It was then that I finally understood what it truly means to feel miserable – to experience a true level of misery. And with that misery, came this strange compulsion to start a blog.

As for my reason to blog, I've come to believe that along with physical symptoms, chronic illness provides a bevy of mental & emotional bullshit to work through. The very act of being chronically ill can tend to make most people feel lonely, isolated, misunderstood, and just a little depressed...or often times - A LOT depressed.

To work through all those feelings, it helps to "tell our stories". But for the chronically ill - the people to tell these stories to becomes fewer and fewer by the day - because let's face it - sick folks just aren't much fun to be around. In fact, much of the time other people tend to think of us as big party-poopers. And for those of us whose illness involves the beloved colon - sometimes we can literally be...party poopers. And if you've ever pooped rather unexpectedly and publicly, at a party or elsewhere, the number of human beings willing to admit even knowing your name dwindles quite dramatically. Why? Because sometimes healthy people and/or those with no significant problems can be just too damn judgmental!

Being judged is one of the many emotional components of being “sick” that really seems unnecessary and unfair. The realization that you are being judged by your family, your friends (if you can keep them), and society in general just adds insult to injury.

Honestly, it takes work to maintain a good relationship with someone whom is chronically ill for one reason or another. Unfortunately these days, most people don’t have the time nor desire to invest that must work in relationships – at least not from my experience. And while I am so grateful for the precious relationships that have held strong during this most challenging time in my life, I also realize that those precious people - my husband, my daughter, my parents, and a couple of “soul sisters” - they can only hear my melodramatic stories of woe so many times before wanting to shove a sock in my throat.

SO - that’s why I need to write. I MUST write because “sick” people need support, too. And for whatever reason, it can sometimes feel like having a secret support system by sharing that common element of misery with others. It’s a strange, unifying factor.

The great poet & writer, Maya Angelou, said:

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

What profound truth that is! It reminds me of the quote by Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas that states:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

Frankly, I’ve got too much microbial bullshit trying to kill my ass as is, so I certainly don’t need to choke to death on my own unspoken or unwritten words! So with that in mind, I now recommit myself to writing my stories; and the truly fan-damn-tastic news is I intend to share them with YOU – all my fellow “sickos” – my fellow comrades of misery.

Hugs & Kisses,

DR. Wiseass ~
not a real doc; just a real wise ASS!