Hello and happy fuckin’ April Fool’s Day! I wanted to write and tell you that the otha day I was ova in Aunt Parkay’s attic and came across one of your high school cheerleading pictures, boy were you fat! Didn’t you realize that none of the otha cheerleadas liked you? Those bitches always talked about how skanky you were and they were all 100% correct-a-mento. APRIL FOOLS!!! You believed me didn’t you? I always knew you were a stupid bitch! APRIL FOOLS².

By the way, Robert sent me a set of keys to our, not yours, but our cabin up at Lake Hor-nay. Maybe you can come and visit us this summa. APRIL FOOLS³!!! I can’t believe you fell for it again, you slut.

I just love April Fool’s Day and all of the possibilities that go along with it. This year for April Fool’s Day, it happened to be Lisa’s first appointment at the gyne-o. You will nevah guess what the doc’s name is, it’s Dr. Harold (Harry) Beaver!! No shit sis! I was searching for a new gynecologist since I was kicked out all of the otha offices near my house – including the surrounding suburbs. When I came across this guy, I didn’t care how far away his office was located, with a name like that, how could I pass up such an opportunity? I would have driven two hours even if I had not been kicked out of the closer pussy clinics to see someone with a name like that. When we finally arrived, we didn’t have a long wait, dammit! I always love watching the women after their appointments walk back through the waiting room carrying their special bags full of pussy creams. Oh well, no worries, I was a little distracted anyway with my plans for April Fool’s Day. 

When the nurse called Lisa back, she instructed her to use the restroom so they could get a urine sample. I headed for the examining room to wait. The nurse asked me to take a seat in the waiting area, but I told the nurse that wouldn’t be necessary because I was there as Lisa’s cheerleadah to help her get through such a “traumatic” (fun) event, with this being her first time and all. The nurse bought it hook, line and sinkah and instructed me to have Lisa take everything off and cover herself with a sheet because the doc would be in shortly. When Lisa came in the exam room, I asked her if she took a big dump in the bathroom because Dr. Beaver would be able to smell it on her if she did – no matter how good she thinks she wiped. With that said, she got upset and insisted that she didn’t defecate!!!! I made sure I said this really loud because I was bored and needed something to laugh about. I did hear a few snickers coming from the waiting room. After she finally calmed down, I told her, per nurses orders, she had to take off all of her clothes and lay down on the table with her feet in the stirrups so that she was ready for her first boob/bush exam, I nevah mentioned anything about a sheet. Out of consideration for Lisa’s privacy, I turned my back to her and removed a hidden screwdriver I had stowed away in my purse just for April Fool’s antics. Sis, you’re gonna shit your pants, I halfway unscrewed EVERY possible thing I could in the few minutes I had. I was trying really hard not to laugh because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was the culprit. I excused myself from the room just as soon as Lisa was fully naked. By the way sis, she has a GIGANTIC bush, I need to introduce that girl to a razor, some hot wax or a ponytail holdah. I think it grew all the way to her bellybutton, across her hip bones and then on to her innah thighs.

I walked into the hall to tell Dr. Beaver that Sasquatch was ready to be fingered. He looked at me kind of odd, but I told him I meant to say “examined.” I says to him, “oops my bad doc, but you are going to use your fingers aren’t you?” He replied, “Well yes, I am, mam, but we don’t use language quite so graphic.” I said, “Oh my god, whatever – you’re still a pervert because you like to spend your days looking at teenage pussy.” I’ll tell ya, that doc’s got a little too much teen spirit if you ask me.

I then excused myself from the “Beave” and “accidentally” cut my toe. Yes, I did cut my toe, but I did it on purpose. I screamed when I saw the blood and acted oh so dramatic. The gal in the front office came running up to me and escorted me to the lab. She was really busy, so I told her if she showed me the 1^st aid kit, I could take it from there (wink wink). I had lots of pranks up my sleeve. First, I recalibrated the scale by about 8 pounds so that everyone would think they were much fatter than they actually were. Then I proceeded to halfway unscrew anything else I could find – and believe me there was plenty! I considered my work done when a nurse almost caught me. I hurried out of the lab and back to Lisa’s room. I quickly went back to Lisa’s room and said, “So doc, how’s our little sasquatch doing?” The doc was all, “that wasn’t nice.” I says, “Well ugh doc take a look at her bush – you can’t miss it.” Then he says to me, “Well mam, you’re right, Lisa does have an incredibly large pubic region but that’s ok – it’s natural, she’s young, and I might add, its ohhh soooo soft.” Just then his perverted thoughts were interrupted with a loud clang when the stirrups gave way and fell to the floor. He was all, “WTF??” And I was all, “Well, doc, maybe you got a little too excited with the soft bush in your face.” In order for “Harry” to take the attention away from the stirrup incident, he cleared his throat (knowing him, he probably had a pubic hair stuck in the back of it). He noted that Lisa was coming up on her one year anniversary of womanhood. I started laughing about Lisa being a woman at age 13. The doc straightened his tie and said, he was talking about her menstrual cycle, not that she was an actual woman. I was like, “Do you wanna throw her a Goddamed party or something?” While this conversation was going on, Lisa was mortified still sitting there naked because the doctor didn’t tell her she could get dressed because this exam was OVA! He was getting pretty pissed at my behavior, so I thought I would let him in on my pranks. But before I had the chance, he turned around and “tried” to open the door to leave, but the door knob came off in his hand. I laughed my ass off!!! He immediately wanted to know what the hell was going on. So I said at the top of my lungs, “Happy April Fools Dr. Beaver and staff!!”

Just then, music to my ears, I heard another person scream from the direction of the lab and I knew anotha one of my pranks had been a success.

Well sis, as you can probably guess, I was thrown out of the clinic. I guess I’ll be driving about 500 miles to the next vadge appointment seeing as how I’ve already been kicked out of so many other practices. What’s new right? As far as Lisa’s exam went, she’s fine, just a little stinky down there. He prescribed a shower everyday and some special pussy cream that she got to carry out of the office in one of those special vadge bags.

The good news is that all of the people who were weighed while I was there all thought they were heavier than they actually were. I instilled a valuable lesson in those patients; learn to appreciate what you have. Some of them came in not really loving their bodies, but left feeling grateful that they were eight pounds lighter than they thought they were. They learned to appreciate what they have. They weren’t as fat as they thought they were, isn’t that nice? April Fools jokes don’t always have to be cruel.

Before I was thrown out of the doctor’s office, the “Beave” gave me a great idea, how about throwing a surprise party in celebration of Mary’s first year anniversary of having her period? I know it’s coming up soon. Wouldn’t that be a riot? I was thinking of arranging a party for Lisa, but I think she has had it with me for the moment. When we got home, she went to her room and wouldn’t come out. Maybe she’s getting to know the razor and the giant pack of blades that I bought for her. I’ll be sure to look in the garbage cans to see if I can tell if she shaved her bush and let you know.

Here are some jams that I’m sending you. The names and flavors were spawned from Lisa’s doctor’s appointment.

Jams:

1) Pop Ya Wild Cherry

2) Fudge Stripe, Can this be a Mistake?

3) Fig Forceps

Well bye,

Love,

Sis

-And happy April Fool’s Day – you were nevah an ugly cheerleada, hell, you were the leadah of the squad. I was just jealous of you when the entire football team let you go into the lockah room with them to help them place their cups ovah their intimate area before the big game. Alls I got to do was take them out aftah the game and wash them. As momma always says, “Fresh meat is always best!”

Abe sounds like a real babe! Do you think he could hang on to his Lincoln suit for our next visit? I thought it would be great fun for all of us to have a patriEROTIC orgy. Tell Robert that I can’t wait for him to rape me like a slave in his mastah chambah.

I suppose I need to tell you all about the Happy Endings Massage Club. I designated my house as massage headquarters central.Can you believe how many clients are parked in the driveway already?! My stupid neighbahs fell for my obvious manipulations again. When the dumb bitches arrived, they were all making dumb office type jokes like, “Since your house is so clean, can you come over and clean mine?” And, “Been there, done that!” None of their jokes made any sense; I think they were all a bit nervous and embarrassed that they were willingly coming into my lair for a massage. What niave dumb asses ! To humor them and put them at ease, I was all, “Yeah right, you bitches!” in a girlfriend-ish tone of voice. I then faked a big cackle! I’m a poser – so what? It gets me what I want.

The way I got my masseuse was through a lucky accident. Donny had a little run in with the law  about a month ago due to some unusual gang activity. FYI, he’s still a membah of “Kool and the Gang” in case you’re wondering, in fact, he’s the leadah. More importantly it seems his grades are down which he MUST bring up. no matter what it takes. He has to have a GED for his loan papers so that he can open up his own Chippendale-like bar.In an effort to redeem himself at school, and in the community, he has to put in 5 hours of community service per week. To bring up his grades, namely in health and science,he needs to learn more about the human body, which lead me to a fantastic brainstorm which would take care of both of these lame issues. I appointed Donny, “Chief Masseuse,” for our club! I even ordered a fancy plaque and a trophy (I couldn’t decide what I liked the best) from Old Man Hoffman from the local trophy shoppe for his bedroom.Old Man Hoffman gave me a real deal on the plaque so I couldn’t resist it. Hoffman even wrote him the nicest endorsement,ironically, the “some” bitch was also his teacher for Christ’s sakes.(Don’t you think it’s funny when people say “some” bitch instead of son of a bitch? I do.)  Between you and me sis, I think he’s such a perv, but I do have to admit, they make a cute couple.But anyway, here’s a look at Old Man Hoffman’s handy work:

Chief Masseuse

Donny Black

This award goes to Donny Black for completing his training in masseuse-ology! Congratulations Donny! Yay, I knew you could do it. Now you’re one step closer to graduating from High School. Hip Hip Hooray, glad you’re not gay.  You’ve helped make this old man work some kinks out of this old body that he never thought could. I’ll never forget those private instruction sessions when I taught you all about the full release technique. It took you a while and A LOT of practice my special boy, but you did it! If you ever feel your skills are getting rusty, please return to class at once. Your hands are your own instruments and must be conditioned regularly. One more thing, you were by far the teacher’s pet.

Presented by:

Old Man Hoffman

On this day of:

The 5^th of Never

The first thing I did to set up shoppe was to purchase the following supplies:

1. Tea Lights

2. Scented oils

3. A couple of personal massagers with a various assortment of tips

4. AA batteries (in bulk)

5. Replace new age music typically heard in massage parlors with soft sounds of porn

6. Razors (for the unkempt lady)

7. We don’t need a massage table since Donny offered his bed. What a sweetheart!

8. Towels

9. See through robes –or peek-a-boo robes

10.A screen for the ladies to disrobe behind.

11.A hidden camera so that I could make sure these bitches weren’t taking advantage of my beautiful son.  

Afta we gathered our supplies, we sent out a neighbahood mimeograph to each of the ladies. Here is what it said:

Dear Ho’s and Bitches (I was trying to sound cool),

We are pleased to announce the grand opening of the Happy Endings Massage Club. You asked, and we listened! We are now booking appointments with Donny, your personal masseuse. He is available from 3pm until 8pm (note: he gets off the bus at 2:45) in the afternoons and on Saturdays and Sundays 10am until 6pm. He gladly accepts tips, so don’t be shy ladies. We are happy to inform each of you that upon arriving for your first appointment, we will have your beautiful catalogue gifts ready for your pick up. Ladies I must say, you have great taste! Here’s the catch, you may only receive your gift if you come in for a massage with Donny. If you have a balance due (you know who you are, Mary, Anna, Jane, Susie, and Meredith), you may pay me then. CASH ONLY! So, hurry up, appointments are going fast, but there is always room for my girlfriends! Just mention my name when you call to make an appointment.

-Sincerely, The Black Family

How does that sound Sis? I thought it was pretty effective, business like and well written to say the least. So far we have three appointments but they are only with Crystal, Joel and myself. I’m sure Donny could use the practice before the business starts booming and getting out of control. Donny thinks he is pretty damn cool these days with his bedroom masquerading as a massage parlor. I’m sure the community services officer will be so impressed with his generous efforts at being a decent membah of society, to keep him off the streets and improve his health and science grades. But he’s taking things a bit too far. He thinks he is such hot shit now. He has been bragging to his friends that he has his own business and even got business cards printed up at the copy shop. What a posah.

We did finally get our first client who came in today for her appointment. Apparently she has been very stressed ova weaning her five year old from breast feeding, which is not going so well. She has to come in to her child’s kindergarten lunch period everyday to nurse him – what a freak, or maybe this kid has the right idea- who knows? So when Susie came in, I had her gift ready and wrapped with an invoice attached to the top like a make-shift bow. I demanded that she not throw the invoice away, but regard it as a threat. If she didn’t pay me the $15 balance, she would not be allowed to leave my house. She quickly unwrapped her gift to make sure it was what she ordered, before paying me. I have to tell you about the ugly piece of shit she bought from that catalogue. It was an 8” tall golden cherub, knitting a golden blanket using golden knitting needles – how fucking gay. She was so enthralled by her tacky purchase that she immediately gave me the $15 bucks. I then proceeded to escort her upstairs to Donny’s room where I walked in on him whacking his golden rod. (I just thought that sounded funny since we were just talking about gold). Donny quickly put his precious metal back in his pants when he saw me watching him in shocked laughter. He frantically sprang up from his bed at which time the douche bag forgot to wash his hands but instead slathered them in massage oil. Thank goodness Susie stopped at the bathroom first which prevented her from seeing any of Donny’s immature antics take place. If that would have happened, our massage days would be over before they even got started.

I showed Susie into Donny’s room where Donny, using a very romantic soft tone of voice, politely asked her to disrobe behind the screen. She thought he was going to leave, but instead the idiot just stood there staring at her the whole time.She did as instructed, but was a little uncomfortable having to wear the peek-a-boo robe. Donny, being the wiser, sensed her uneasiness and complemented her on her perky tits. He also took notice that she had a giant bush, so, in a gentlemanly way, offered to shave it into a more modern style. He showed her some style choices on the pubic hair poster we crafted so she could select which design would best fit her lifestyle. She was a little horrified to say the least. Even with the comforting glow of the tea lights and Donny’s soft tone of voice, Susie could not chill-ax. Donny told her that he would forget the shaving today, and consented to only give her a stress relieving massage if she agreed to tip him and come back again next week for a shave and perhaps a full release. Feeling victorious, she finally let herself relax and even ventured to complement his strawberry scented oil,red permed hair and soft voice he was using for the massage; personally I thought the oil smelled cheap since we bought it from the dolla section. Based on her taste in other shit, like that golden cherub, I not surprised she liked it so much. I can only imagine what her house looks like. I think I’m going to try to get myself invited ova there so I can check it out, you know just for a good laugh. I’ll make sure to bring my spy cam so I can send you the pictures.

As I was minding my own business making jams, jellies and preserves, I heard a little racket and checked the video cam feed. I saw that Susie was screaming because she apparently rolled over into Donny’s wet spot on his bed. Donny, the dumbass, didn’t clean up afta himself. Alls I could think of was that our business venture was in the toilet where Donny’s by product should have been. Susie got dressed, grabbed her golden cherub and took off. On her way out the door, she said we were all a bunch of perverts and that she knew she never should have trusted The Black Family. I did some quick manipulative thinking and actually smoothed things ova. I told her it wasn’t cum that was in his bed but it was a new coconut oil that Donny was experimenting with. Phew, the dumb bitch bought it hook line and sinkah!! She did go ahead and leave, but not before making a return appointment! As she was walking out the door, she said she would think about getting a new “hairstyle” and that it might be a fun surprise for her girlfriend. Girlfriend ??!?- Who knew? I casually mentioned to her that Joel and I often commented on what an attractive “husband” she had. The world is full of surprises. Maybe her reluctance and inability to chill-ax during her massage was the fact that Donny was a male. 

You know sis, life is funny sometimes. It takes many different twists and turns, but everything always seems to turn out well in the end – Hence, The Happy Endings Massage Club.

Here are your Jams, Jellies and preserves that I worked on while watching the spy cam from Donny’s room:

1) Metastic this is Fantastic! (apple)

2) Fig Faggot

3) Fig-it Fag-it

(Note: I bought a bushel o’ figs and had to use them up)

Love, Sis

Dear Sis,

You’ve really done it this time. Alls I can say is, Thank you –NOT! Eva since Robert read your letta, he has “honestly” (ha ha) become obsessed with Abe Lincoln. I guess he feels out done by Joel George Washington, who knew he was so competitive? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with Abe, he was a super prez and all, but he looks down right creepy, and now I’m married to him! The only way I can feel attracted to my “new” husband, Abe, is to rely on my nasty imagination. I’m sure he has plenty of hot, kinky qualities associated with him, but I was having trouble finding anything attractive about the presidential gent. I sat down with my vibratah and thought long and hard (ummmm) about my situation. I came up with some yummy fantasies involving Abe-ilicious. My idea was to have him chase me around the house at night with the only light coming from an oil burning lantern. (We no longer have electricity so that Robert can feel more Abe-ish ). Then he could treat me like a slave and have his presidential way with me in our totally feng shui mastah chambah. That would be really erotic. As I sit here fantasizing, I think Honest Abe was a lot dirtier than  people  care to remembah.

I tried to explain to Robert that just because Joel dressed up like George Washington doesn’t mean he has to dress like Abe. Robert doesn’t believe he is taken very seriously as a candidate for the president of our homo Homeowner’s Association. If he were to become Abe Lincoln, his people would trust him more than they would just plain ole Robert – borrrring. I know what you’re thinking – it’s me that has fucked up his reputation, but that’s not my problem. Personally, I would love to be the 1^st lady of the neighbahood. I would make sure that all the other women knew my role as their neighborhood queen bee. I would love to use my power and knowledge of their dirty little secrets to blackmail and toy with them. Those bitches would still have to be my friends no matter what. Ohhh, I Y power!

With our previous HOA president taking off with the gerbil tank at the party where Mel was outed, we have been left in a serious bind for true leadaship in our cul de sac. Oh wait… I think I hear “action news” coming down the street. I wonder if Abe and his opponent will be asked to give a press conference about our current situation here. ….6…. Oh never mind it was channel 7 but they’re more interested in this child molester that lives down the street.  That’s not news,  who doesn’t have one living nearby? If Robert were currently in office, as president and first lady, we would have made friends with the sex offendah and tried to rehabilitate him through role playing, rather than having him thrown in the slammah.

I’ve been fascinated watching Robert slowly transition into Abe. I would compare it to a person preparing to undergo gendah reassignment surgery. First, he grew a nasty beard and died it, and his hair, jet black and lost about 30 pounds. I laughed my ass off when I saw him afta his cheep dye job. Robert’s hair is straight, so he looked like a pretty fucked up version of Lincoln. He was pissed and left the house. I had no idea where he went until he later walked in the door. He had gone to the hair salon and gotten a body wave put in his hair. I tried not laugh, but he looked more like Billy Jean King. The next day, he bought a black coat with tails and a tall top hat at the thrift store. I don’t know how this happened, but he seems a little taller. Maybe it’s the pinstriped pants creating an optical illusion. He’s been referring to me as “Mary Todd,” Abe’s deceased wife. WTF? This progression has been going on since we received your letta ova a month and a half ago. At first I didn’t like his new look, but now? WOW!! Stunning…I wish I would have been alive in the 1800’s, things seemed a little nastier back then. Oh, get this, we can no longer go to modern day movie theaters, we can only go to the ones that have actual boxed seating. You know, the kind where men and women dress up and the ladies bring binoculars on a stick? Yeah, those. A week ago Robert ,oops I mean ABE, payed a young man to pretend to come up behind him and shoot him with a cap gun at the theater. It scared the shit out of me, but it was all part of his plan to become more Abe-ish. The man’s gone wild. As we were being escorted by security from the theater, Robert said he was beginning to feel more and more as Abe did. I reminded him that Abe didn’t leave the theater alive, so how would he know? ??? Instead we stopped at the grocery on the way home where Abe used his brief case top hat as an eco friendly grocery bag. Talk about bringing the past into the present!

Whilst we were driving home, I kept noticing how Abe would refer to our home as “The House.” I says to him… “Would you quit acting like such a retard?” I had had quite enough at this point. Abe then leaned over and shouted, “DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT, YOU WHORE? IT’S THE GODDAMNED HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.” I then got really pissed and we started hitting each other. I asked him in a really bitchy tone if he was planning on renaming our subdivision ”Gettysburg “. Apparently that was part of his campaign that I was unaware of. I began thinking about all of this on our way back to “The House” and started getting really excited. I applauded Abe for all his hard work and apologized for being so unpatriotic. After we got to “The House,” I tried to make nice and put our American Flag out on the front porch – which I found on the closet floor. I saw that Robert had had a 25 foot flag pole erected into the center of our front yard. He told me to fly it at half mast because he had yelled at me. When I walked back into “The House,” Abe had lit kerosene lanterns everywhere. I found it a little  intriguing. I had a kerchief and long cotton gown awaiting me on the bed. I thought maybe we were going to do something really nasty but instead I had to look at blueprints for our new LOG HOME!! I think if Robert gets this position he will change the neighbahood covenants and force everyone to have their home resided to look like log split-levels. I think this will bring a real since of comradery to  our cul de sac and probably force out the gangs.

During the past week, while he passes the time sitting on  the front porch posing like “Lincoln Memorial”, you know, sitting and staring at everyone in an ultra creepy way, I’ve been working on his speech. The funny thing is that when my neighbahs see me they ask, “Is Robert smiling or frowning?” I just laugh and don’t answer them.

Finally the day arrived and Robert gave his brilliant speech, that I wrote. He stood eva soo tall giving his declaration on our front porch; I think he was standing on a stool to look taller. I hung some swag curtains on the front porch railing so it would look more like a presidential podium and decorated it with red, white and blue crape paper streamas. I guess the colors won’t matter much since I only took black and white pictures. We hired one of those photographers who have to put that blanket over their head to take a photograph – we may go with sepia toned because black and white are so vintage and we want more of an antique look and feel. That’s the way to get noticed, sis. So we had our "Fellow Countrymen" cast their ballots. I might mention that we only allowed the men to vote. I had to pay them either with a hand/blow job or cash. The women got a free scrapbooking session since that’s what those dumb bitches are into. They loved it! When the votes were counted it was a tie, so I had to go down to the jail and have the child molestah cast his “shwing” vote. We knew he would vote for us because we were the only ones who eva took the time to REALLY get to know him. He really is a nice guy and just because he has done a few inappropriate things lately, you shouldn’t judge him. After he is released I think Abe will appoint him as “Secretary of Defense.” Gettysburg must be protected at all costs, this is one sought afta neighbahood.

Sis I’m sure you’re wondering how this all went down with a good happy ending, but Robert only wanted to prove to himself, and to his children, that you should never give up on your dreams, no matter how stupid they are. I need to go and package the jams – without electricity I was forced to use the fireplace and a wood burning stove to prepare them, what a pain in the ass. Now that Abe won the election, I hope he turns the damn power back on. Who does he need to prove himself to now? He won, now he can do whateva he wants.

Love,

Sis

1) Lincolnberry Liar                                                       

2) Strawberry Booth’s Berry Bullet

3) Gettysburg or Williamsburg? (This is a special jam, sort of like Goobergrape, but it’s blackberry and raspberry swirled!)

 Dear Sis,

I hope you had a great 4th of July! Your party sounded really bitchin’. I wish I could have been there to hear “Mel’s” tawdry confession. How does her hubby feel about her becoming a dude? Have you invited him ova so you and Robert could help “console” him? I would probably ask if he wanted to come ova and hang out and then give him a comforting blow job. Most ladies would probably make him comfort food, but I’d gladly give “Mella’s fella” a comfort blow.

Newsflash: We just moved to anotha neighbahood, I was so tired of all of my weird neighbah’s, I think they’re  all fucked up if you ask me.We moved into our new home, opps, I mean “dome”, about two weeks ago. I apologize for not telling you sooner, but I just had to get out of that neighbahood before I went medically and scientifically crazy. Those bitches need to grow up and quit being so judgmental of others (me). Jeese!

I‘ve been dying to tell you all about our first 4^th of July celebration in our new home; a “coming out” party if you will. I have purposefully stayed inside hiding from everyone since we moved in two weeks ago, until today, the fourth. I have been planning on making my debut so I can publicly showcase myself, as well as my talents. I’m fully aware that all of my neighbahs are wondering:“who’s that gal? Where did she come from? Who’s that gal? Where can I get one? Everyone around me will think that I’m……a……..star!!” Ok, ahem….I need to compose myself. I just took a hit off of my bong and I was thinking of a song from the early 80’s sensational hit movie, Grease 2. Do you remember that movie and how we just loved Michael and that awesome song that should have made the top 40 called We’re Gonna Score Tonight.Ahhh, I loved that song. 

During the past two weeks, my new set of nosey neighbors kept showing up at my front door to introduce themselves with their plates of crappy fudge. When they knocked on my door, I would quickly put on my John F. Kennedy mask, open a window, tell them to get the fuck out of here, but to leave the freebies on the porch. I made sure to collect these after dark to maintain my air of mystery. No one has seen me until today for which I am wearing my Uncle Sam suit for my debut. When I went to put on my Uncle Sam pants I realized my costume didn’t’ come with any because the rental place forgot to include them. I had to improvise by adding extra fabric to the bottom of some of my own pants. They were too short to accommodate my six foot tall stilts.

It was finally time for my bi-centennial debut. I set off down the street in full costume. For a proper introduction I  waved at everyone and mouthed, “I Want You” with a nice wink and point of the finger (Uncle Sam Style) at all of the young hotties on the block. At one point, I noticed that my beard and mustache had become partially detached. As I was trying to discreetly make my necessary repairs, I tripped and fell down in the cul de sac. “Goddammed stilts”, I yelled. I was so pissed and embarrassed. Would you believe, no one offered to help a damsel in distress. It took me a half an hour to stand myself back up again and when I finally got back up to standing, I looked down and saw my microphone lying in a pile of dog shit. And again, not one fucking soul offered to hand it to me. Alls I know is that I was planning a show for all of the children to watch during tonight’s fireworks extravaganza. I had been practicing a really neat chainsaw juggling act for the last three days. Assholes! If you can’t have faith in your neighbahs, then, wow I have to ask myself, what’s left? My plan was completely foiled.

Through all of my pain and anguish, lots of soul searching and a good ole fashioned cry,Joel and I conjured up a plan of action. We were out for revenge and we will not be fucked with. Joel said, “If you give me a rim job later, in the spirit of the Fourth of July, I’ll put on my George Washington suit and try to smooth things over with the neighbors”. That man had himself a deal. 

You will nevah guess what this beautiful man did in my honor. (Say the next sentence like a bitchy teenager) He took two of the chainsaws that had originally been reserved for my juggling act and went out and just cut off every branch, stem and leaf he could reach from every neighbah’s bushes and trees. At first I was in shock, but I quickly recovered. I quickly put on my stilts so I could reach the upper branches “George” couldn’t’ reach,and I grabbed the third chainsaw.I followed after him as quickly as a lady could wearing stilts and wielding a  chainsaw.

We had a night to remember, and so what if we ended up in jail, there are worse crimes than “treeicide” and “bushicide”.It was a crime of passion, so whoop de do. Afta we sat there a few hours in the slammah, the bondsmon (hey mon!) finally showed, but not before Joel was forced to give the arresting officer a backrub with his own shit. YUCK – yeah, I know. We made good by paying our bail and went home. What a night! Lucky for us, we weren’t that unpacked yet so it didn’t take us long to get the hell out of that damn dome neighbahood.

We’ve returned to our original dwelling, (home sweet home). I first set out to make nice with all of the  neighbahood ladies. I did this by saying, “I I I I feel really bad…for…what I did…” to each one. I used the same exact line on each woman. I knew I had to apologize, even though I didn’t really mean it, for all the wrongs and whatnots that have happened throughout the years if I expected to be accepted back in their evil circle. If you remember, we have fooled around with all of their husbands; I think you and Robert had a few of them too during your last visit. I took it one step further by offering each lady a gift. When we returned home we found some catalogues waiting for us in the mailbox. I thought they would enjoy selecting a gift for themselves to make up for any hurt feelings. The only thing I asked of them was that the cost of the gift had to stay under ten dollars. I hesitantly told them, in my phony, stuttering apologetic voice, that if it was over ten dollars, they had to pay me back the diff when I dropped off the gift. They all looked at me like I was offering them a head on a plate, so I really reached out to them by asking them ova for a dinner party.

I need to go start the Celebration Salad,but if there’s is one thing I have learned through all of this, is that you just never know how good you have it until you don’t anymore. I think Joel and I are just blessed with the best neighbahs anyone could eva  ask for, and I’m sure they feel really lucky to have us back in the neighbahood. Aside from you and me, who offers gifts like that these days anyway? What has our world come to, I ask myself.

During dinner, I was so thrilled at how well things were going, so I subtly suggested that we all form a neighbahood club togetha. Some suggested knitting – fuck that. Some suggested a book club – I almost blew it by suggesting we only read erotica, but I quickly caught myself and redirected them to the idea of a massage club. I sold them on the idea that it would be only used as a stress relievah. I thought a really neat name for it would be the, “Happy Endings Massage Club”. A good massage always leads to happy ending.In these days of uncertainty, we could use a few happy endings.

I have to go, but I’m not finished telling you everything that has happened since the dinna party. It’s so funny.

That’s what’s been going on here. Nothing out of the ordinary, you know – same old, same old.
And by the way, I hope that since it was the Fourth of July, you at least ate some American cheese for God’s sakes.
Love,

Sis
I almost forgot, here are your Jams, Jellies and preserves. :

1) A Fruity Invasion

2)  Freedom, It’s not…(grape)

3)  Presidential Cherry Bomb

Dear Sis,

How’s the beastly Jabba the Hutt family doing? Back at ya, bitch! So we’re doing fine here in LaWasteatima, WA. How is your sexy husband Joel doing? He looked so delish in the photos you sent me ova the innanet, even Robert thought he looked tasty. Speaking of tasty, we have a new neighbah that just moved in across the street. I think he’s a big HOMO, I’m not talking about homosapien eitha.

When the moving truck left his house, I took it upon myself to be the first to meet this mystery meat – oops, I mean, man.  I noticed the designah’s showcase coming off the truck, so as you can imagine, I was intrigued. I sashayed up to him giggling and said to him point blank, “Hi, welcome to the neighbahood! So are ya bachin’ it or are ya packin’ it?” He responded with, and I might add, quite rudely, “Oh my god, hi my name is Blaine and not that it’s any of your business, but yes I am bachin’ it, as you put it!” I swear he called me fish under his breath. Anyway, I told him that for a “straight” guy (and I did quotes with my fingers) he had really gay taste. He seemed a bit offended by my comments, but I just kept on rolling with it until he eventually threatened to call the police to get me to leave. I get so sick of the goddamned police harassing me, so I decided I better make nice with him. Afta I left, I saw lots of the otha neighbahood women taking their suck up baskets of homemade bullshit to him. I thought I’d one up those bitches and take a batch of Deep Throat Shootas over and get him drunk so I could get him to confess his homosexuality to me. I just had to know so that I could go and tell everyone. You know how I love being the one to delivah the news, I love the power I have ova everyone else when I know something they don’t, not to mention how much I love starting roomahs.

Wouldn’t you know, even after the shootas he still wouldn’t fess up. But I did find out that he owns a florist and has a Pomeranian dog named Ms. Thang. I decided after leaving his house that I should throw him a “Welcome to the neighbahood” party! You’re gonna wet your pants sis, but I really threw him a surprise, “coming out”, party! In fact, I ordered the party flowers from him! When  I placed the order, I told him it was for a party I was hosting that a lot of gay people would be attending, so he had to use his imagination for the floral arrangements. Afta I sent out the invites, the neighbahood bitches could hardly contain themselves, I guess they don’t get out much, little did they know, they were in for a surprise too.

As each guest called and RSVPed, I asked if they could bring a gerbil and a used paper toweling tube and I would take care of the  rest. I made a rainbow cake decorated with colorful candies and sprinkles, more shootas, you know the ones Donny taught me to make, the Creamy Dreamy, Hot Shots and the Suck and Blow, just to name a few). I also picked up necklaces that resembled anal beads from the dolla store for each guest to wear and take home. If they weren’t sure how to use them, I figured if we got Blaine drunk enough we could get him to demonstrate at the party. I also put my rainbow flag on my front porch and discreetly placed a cute little rainbow sticka on Blaine’s gay little hybrid, I just knew he would appreciate it afta we all outed him. I had all of the guests arrive before Blaine so that the gerbils could be placed in the tank, and everyone could hide. Keep in mind that these stupid neighbahood bitches think they are here for Blaine’s, “Welcome to the neighbahood,”surprise party.

When Blaine arrived, the little faggot showed up with a hot, female date. When I answered the door, alls I could say was, "WTF?? I thought you were a homo Blaine!!!" I was soo pissed that I went ahead and outed him anyway. When I made the announcement in front of the guests, everyone got quite and just stared at me like I was a fool or something. So I shrugged my shoulders and just said, “What the fuck are you looking at?” and went on with the party anyway. Once everyone had their fair share of shootas, those uptight neighborhood bitches  started loosening up some. I took advantage of the situation by not indulging in the spirits so that I could keep a clear head while trying to get some embarrassing info out of those  boring women. I was at least hoping to find out that someone had been to prison or had a three way with anotha neighbah, but I struck gold, (without digging for it, if you know what I mean). At first it was the same old boring shit. One bitch named Cindy confessed that she had embezzled a little moolah from the PTA funds (zzzzzzzzz), another bitch confessed that she had been to a dildo party (zzzzzzzz), but…..Melinda, or should I say Mel, confessed that she wanted a sex change. WHOA….I got what I was hoping for, some juicy gossip I could tell everyone in the hood, and at school, when I’m allowed back.

At first Mel just said she thought she was bi-sexual, as you can imagine, I was still bored at this point. Then she said she was thinking of having a sex change but had not told her husband yet. That woke me from my bored stupor, I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly, so I says to her, “Come what may??” I expressed deep concern for her situation, which I was faking the entire time so that she would keep talking. She was upset because she’s the captain of the women’s tennis team at the clubhouse and didn’t know how to handle it if she were a man. But no worries there, first of all I reminded her of the men’s tennis team, and second there are even famous lesbo tennis playas that look like men. Problem solved! But that didn’t stop me from digging a little deepa, I had to see how far I could push the spineless little woman poser. I gave her/him?? an offa she/he?? couldn’t refuse. I says to her, “If your husband is too much of a pussy to get it on anymore afta you get the change, my husband, Robert, is a free spirit and is very open minded. He once told me he thought it would be really neat to be with a trannie, so he would love to take care of your needs once the transformation takes place.” As I said this, I was playing with her hair because this whole idea was turning me on. I pushed her a little harder and dared myself to ask, “So are ya gonna have them build ya a dick or are you gonna be a dude with a pussy?” At that point, I knew I had pushed her to her limit because apparently she had not considered what kind of genitalia she wanted to sport. I then pushed a little more and dared myself to ask her if she was going to like girls or guys, and what would that make her, gay or straight? She started crying, but I knew it was just the liquor talking, so in an attempt to  make her feel better, I told her that we would be up for a ménage a trios whether she was gay, straight, or decided to keep her pussy or have a dick. I also reminded her that she would have a new “straight” friend named Blaine if she needed someone to talk to.

By the end of the night, I had everyone calling her Mel so she could start feeling more comfortable in her new role. At that point, I realized I had achieved what I had set out to do, I outed someone at the party. All was not wasted and everyone had a great time. As far as the tank of gerbils goes, I happened to have noticed the president of the homeownas association leave with the tank. Sis, the wheels are starting to turn as I formulate my next rumah.

Jams:

1) Gerbil Jelly

2) Jelly Baby – Is it mushroom soup or jelly?

3) KY Kumquat

Love, Sis

Dear Sis,

I just got your letta and laughed my ass off. Did you tell any of the children that they were in cardiac arrest? You should have called me and I could have pretended to be a 911 operatah.

I too just took my kids to registah for school and noticed the dropping temperatures and the Christmas decorations in the store. Too bad you had slim pickings on the volunteer schedule. I signed up at the end of the last school year to be the classroom art mom this year. I have been working on some new art ideas for the class and I’ve already presented my 1^st lesson. It was sweeeeetttt! Ok I’ll admit, I was hoping to keep you on the edge of your seat, but I’ll get to the details soon enough. Some of my upcoming lesson plans include sculpting a replica of their own genitalia! I thought I’d ask the teach if I could start a day early and have the kids watch “Ghost.” Remembah the part where Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore were getting it on at the potter’s wheel? Well, I thought I’d have the kids partner up with each other (boys/girls, girls/girls, boys/boys, teacher/student, teacher/myself, student/myself/teacher) and have them re-enact the part. As father always says, “dare to be different!”

I’m planning to do a Van Gogh presentation later in the school year. Do you remembah how he cut his ear off? First I would give a very brief talk about his boring wah wah life and then see how ballsy the kids really are. I’ll bring in a set of steak knives and poultry scissors, which I’ll have to sneak into the school, (fuck the zero tolerance rule). As I always tell the kids, I have no rules when it comes to art. My mission is to see if I can entice the kids to cut off a part of their body and send it to a loved one. Afta all, Christmas is just around the corner. I want to discourage cutting off the ear because it’s so yesterday. If it gets too bloody, I’ll just send them to the clinic and let the school nurse deal with the amputations.

As I so coyly mentioned earlier, I’ve already presented my 1^st art lesson and it was awesome!! In the spirit of Henri Matisse and The Purple Robe, we focused on recreating Matisse’s unrealistic image by updating it to the 21^st century. After passing out their art supplies, I excused myself and went to the lady’s room to change into my own purple robe. I returned to the classroom, sat down in a chair and let the robe fall open revealing my nude, hairy body. I formulated this idea some time ago, so I have been growing out as much body hair as possible since that’s the way they wore it back in the 1930’s. Well you can imagine the giggles from the students when I sat down. Lucky for me, the teacher wasn’t around. She must have taken my advice when I told her I could manage the class on my own and that she should take a well deserved break. She was delighted. I instructed the kids to draw the setting and myself from their own perspective. Remembah, no rules – except for the rule of not telling on me. I invited them to come up and touch and feel ALL of my different bodily textures, (smooth, rough, bumpy, soft hair, wet parts) so they could make their drawings as realistic as possible. Some kids did, and some refused. That’s ok. One kid was so grossed out by all of my body hair that he gagged! I told him to chilax and draw my tits instead. I tried to make nice by telling him the easiest way to express my body hair on paper was to simply draw a bunch of “s” shapes and cursive “e’s”. He was not buying what I was selling, the little mother fucker. As you can imagine out of all the kids in the class, he was the only one who was going to be a deal breaker. I of course had to black mail him. I told him that if he went to get their teacher, I would cut his ear off. After I said that, the little pussy backed off and went back to his drawing. Interestingly, his drawing turned out to be the best!

I took everyone’s masterpiece and taped them up in the lunchroom for an impromptu art show. I thought I would surprise the staff and student body (yummmmmm) by showing what a talented bunch of artists Ms. Dewberry’s class is. I stayed to have lunch, while still wearing my purple robe, so I could watch everyone’s reactions. Wouldn’t you know it, during lunch, the cafeteria was filled with a lot of commotion. I thought these great works of art would have been admired; instead the whole place was in an uproar. The drawings were quickly removed by the lunchroom Nazi, that bitch doesn’t know good art when she sees it. Most of the students were laughing their asses off and after spotting me sitting in the lunchroom, started yelling at me to “take it off”.

Needless to say, all of the students want me for their art mom but the faculty and parents do not. If you ask me, the school is in a bind because all of the other art moms withdrew as volunteers from this program, they knew they could never measure up. Let’s face it Sis, I’m a hard act to follow. Apparently the other mom’s felt a little inferiah to me. I offered to give assemblies to the entire student body every month to take care of this art nonsense but the staff will not even discuss it with me. Because the school is being such a hard ass, I am going to take this matter to the district, then to the state and so on if I have to. I can’t believe what douche-bags they are all being! Don’t’ they know that expressing the body is one of the most beautiful pieces of art? They should appreciate me because I was willing to let the kids use and touch my body to make their masterpieces. What more do they want?

Sis, I’m not about to let this one go. Here are a few other artistic ideas I’m planning on presenting to the board of directahs in the school district.

Artist:	Print	Project:
Georgia O’Keefe		Using a digital camera, take a picture of each student’s intimate area and let them morph it into a part of a flower using oil pastels.
Andy Warhol		Each student would draw/paint 6 different boobs with each nipple being a different color. This would celebrate his famous Campbell’s Soup can painting.
Pablo Picasso		In the theme of his wah wah “Blue Period”, each student could recreate the most traumatic experience of their lives and bring it to life on canvas. Ex: death in the family, limb amputation, molestation, physical abuse, etc. The sky’s the limit!
Roy Lichtenstein		Take above mentioned tragedy and put a neat spin on it comic book style. I feel this will bring the kids closure resulting from such a horrible event in their lives. I want them to be able to look back at the tragic event and laugh.

You have that creative touch too sis, if you can come up with any other ideas that I could take to the district/state, please let me know.

Here are your jams, jellies and preserves:

1) Abstract Apricot Asshole

2) Raspberry Renaissance Robot

3) Passion Pubic Peach

Love, Sis

a) Cheddar

b) Head

c) Road

2)  What is your favorite type of fro?

a) A Frolet (Afro/mullet combo)

b) A ball-fro (Do we really need to explain this one? If so, leave a comment)

c) An Afro

3) Which would you pick to have on your skin permanently?

a) One head to toe, scab

b) A tattoo that says FAG on your cheek and the back of your hand

c) A naturally formed port wine stain that happens to say, “I’m Gay”

4)  Who would you most like to look like?

a) Mayor McCheese

b) The Bearded Lady

c) A Senator

5) Whose ass do you want to kick?

a) The skier  in the parking lot after a dusting of snow wearing a Santa cap

b) The person who brags on their MySpace page that they like to “rock out” to Rick James while making Lasagna

c) The co-worker who met up with some friend at Chili’s and brags about the amount of ‘ritas she had

d) Shel Silverstein (Why did we pick him? We don’t know, he just sounded funny when we wrote out this important quiz)

6) Would you rather have your voice sound like:

a) A cell phone with poor reception

b) A scary wicked toddlah

c) Like you’re always straining to use the bathroom

7) Who do you want to be most? (When making your selection, consider whether you think the carpet matches the drapes)

a) Michael Bolton and his hair

b) Kenny G and his hair

c) Yanni and his hair

Which type of speech impediment do you find the sexiest?

a) A lisp

b) Stuttering (Hey, they could be the prez of the International Stuttering Assoc. – that’s hot)

c) Ms. Jane’s voice from The Beverly Hillbillies (males only, sorry ladies)

d) Barney (Fife or the dinosaur) (ladies only, sorry gents)

9) Which type of tick do you think would be the hottest to have?

a) Dropping the “F-Bomb” in every sentence

b) The kind that gives you lymes disease

c) Tick Tock

10) Who would you want to fart in front of the least (or most)? (loud and smelly)

a) The CEO of whatever

b) You are a nerd and it slips out in front of the cheerleading squad

c) During a pap smear or prostate exam with a hot doc

d) When you lose your virginity

11) What do you wish a sign on your back would say (without you knowing it’s there)?

a) “I smell like feces”

b) “I love rapists, my address is …..”

c) “I am a lover of schmagma and bodily waste “

d) “I like to play with Pedophiles” (sizes only available in kids S,M,L)

12) What would you rather drive across the country?

a) A crane fully extended

b) A trolley dressed like your the captain with a large ‘stashe. (You have to wave at everyone)
c) A Quadruple decker

d) A Big Wheel not sized for adults

e) a haus & buggah for my ladah (Translation: A horse and buggy for my lady)

 

13) What type of prop would you most like to wear into a bar?

a) A stethoscope, (You have to tell everyone you are not a healthcare professional)

b) A cell phone circa 1985

c) A fake ferret

d) Proposition 8 (remember all the hoo ha on this unpassed bill when everyone was so in love with Obama?)

14) What would you rather your face look like?

a) A tortilla with eye holes

b) Old man winter

c) A jack-o-lantern

d) Chuck England (why the fuck should I know who this is?)

15) What shape of hair would be the best for you?

a) Hair shaped like a yamaka

b) A handlebar mustache

c) A Sideways mohawk

  These are just a few examples of the sacred delicacies that can be made from The Official Church Food Ingredient List (see post). You may notice the possibilities are endless (like eternity).  Most, if not all of these, are complete assaults on the digestive and circulatory system. These recipes alone help keep our doctor’s pockets lined with gold. With the heart-stopping ingredients in these glorious foods, funeral planning should be part of the social event. After all, Isn’t church a preparation for the afterlife? These recipes are a fun way to get you there sooner than you thought!

Appetizers and Salads:

The Appetizer that Stares Back at You (Several flour Tortillas, cream cheese and zesty kosher dills)

Five-Minute Tidbits (Butter, Taco Seasoning, Corn Chex and Parm – green can only please) 

9 Day Slaw (Contains same old boring slaw ingredients. It takes 24 hours to make and does not keep 9 days)

Potato Salad

Cornbread Salad

Mama’s Congealed Vegetable Salad – See picture

Sauerkraut Salad

Praise the “Lard” Biscuits  – We’ll say no more on this one

Main Courses:

Fettuccine Al Anything

Mexican Manicotti 

Hash Brown Casserole – A complete assault on ye ole digestive track

Senator Jungquist’s Sweet Potato Casserole

Thanksgiving Apple Casserole (Sliced apples, sugar, oleo, flour, milk, Velveeta cheese, sharp cheddar cheese)

Busy Day Chicken Breasts Paprika

Chicken Country Captain (Bacon, chicken breasts, flour, celery, bell pepper, canned tomatoes, broth, raisins and  almonds) …a country captain?? Hmm..

Chicken Elegant (Same old stuff in all of the other chicken recipes)

Chicken Sunday (Lg. fryer, canned cream of mushroom and cream of chicken soup, rice, water, celery, salt- your might go to hell if you make it on a different day of the week)

Company Casserole (Rice, canned mushrooms, canned cream of mushroom soup, Worcestershire sauce, bulk pork sausage, chicken, bread crumbs, butter – again, the bulk pork keeps the chicken company while wrecking havoc on your digestive system)

Filets in Foil (Wrap some meat or fish in foil, seasonings and potatoes in foil and bake)

Hamburger Quiche (Ground beef, mayo, milk, egg, cornstarch, sharp Cracker Barrel cheese, onion, frozen pie shell)

Husband’s Delight (Egg noodles, ground beef, garlic salt, sugar, canned tomato sauce, chives, sour cream, cream cheese, cheddar cheese – The husband’s going to find himself taking a dirt nap if he eats too much of this concoction)

Extras and Sides:

White gravy

Anything Au Gratin Baby!

Brown Rice (French onion soup mix, white rice, beef broth, butter = brown)

Cheesy Rice Bake 

Pork and Bean (No fighting over the piece of pork)

Ranch Style Baked Beans (Don’t you just love it when the name of a food has the word style in it? In this case the beans have style, sometimes corn can have style when it’s Creamed Style Corn) 

Copper Carrot Pennies (Don’t be fooled by the silly name kids, it’s sliced carrots, green peppers, onions, tomato soup and salad oil)

Company Cauliflower (Here the sliced mushrooms and green peppers keep company with the cauliflower)

Apple Cheesy (2 cans of pie apples, 2 sticks of butter or margarine, flour, 2 c. sugar and 1 lb of Velveta cheese, that’s a bowel movement waiting to happen right there)

Baked Cheese Savory (Thick white bread, 1/2 lb Sliced American Cheese, egg, paprika, milk) – ahhhhhhhh plop…plop and prairie doggin’ it

Old Man Hoffman’s Refrigerator Rolls (Yeast,water, shortening, sugar, salt, egg, flour, Old Man Hoffman’s “secret” additive) – Who is Hoffman you ask? He’s ya Daddy. Who’s ya Daddy you ask? Hoffman.

Sweets:

German Chocolate Cake – You know who you are.

Monkey bread

Sensational Pecan Tarts

Dump Cake — YES, that really is a type of cake.

Dirt Cake

Deb’s Special Cake (You can substitute your name for Deb’s or a church word like “joyous” or something that has a holy flair to it)

Sheath Cake (Sheet cake for those with a lisp)

Pink Stuff (Cherry pie filling, condensed milk, crushed pineapple, cool whip, 1 pecan for garnish) Everyone LOVES this! Most people are so impressed over the pecan garnish. This will always win some brownie points with fellow pilgrims.

Bark (2 sticks butter, 1c. brown sugar, 12oz choc chips, 1 box regular saltines)

Five-Minute Fudge – Wonder if it really takes 5 minutes?

Heavenly Bits (This can be the name of any recipe if you need to earn some brownie points)

Beverages:

“Church” Punch (Hawaiian Punch, canned frozen lemonade, Sprite)

Coffee

Iced Tea

Lemonade

Water

Sample Menu:

Praise the “Lard” Biscuits 

Sunday Chicken

Copper Carrot Pennies

Sheath Cake and Whipped Topping

Fruit Cup

Coffee                 Tea 

Don’t forget to end your meal with a scripture mint! No one should smell your breath whilst saying, “AhhhhhMen,” along with the rest of the pilgrims.

Dear Sis,

 How is the Helvneinceinfuiea family doing? We’ve been super busy with school starting, yeah I know, it’s almost Halloween. When school started back in Septembah we forgot all about it and went on with our summer fun!! We started noticing the beautiful fall foliage, cooler temperatures and the lack of children at the water parks, so I took that as a queue to registah the children for school. So what if the kids have to repeat a grade, it wouldn’t be the first time! Hey, school’s free baby-sitting right? The more years the bettah!

Afta I finished with all of the pedestrian paperwork, they were officially on the rostah!   As I was walking out, Lisa was bitching at me to look at the bullshit volunteer list that was hanging on the wall. Wouldn’t you know it, that little bitch suckered me into signing up for something. As luck would have it, the only spot left was to volunteer for health screenings which means working with that poser school nurse from last year. She was the one that gave me shit about Lisa’s heat strokes, what a bitch. It turns out that the health screenings were that afternoon. That gave me time to work on an idea that I was quickly formulating. I thought I would add a fun, yet neat twist, to an othahwise serious day, so I quickly went home and typed out the following form letta.

To the parents of: ______________________________Date:_____________________________

Your child was given a health screening today at school. Our findings indicate that your child has the following disease:

____(insert deadly disease of choice here)______ and should be taken immediately to a specialist at the Children’s Hospital.

Although I’m not a doctor , but according to my guesstimation, which was determined by using my using my Texas Instrument, your child has only:

:PS: You may want to consider making a video for Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Your chances of getting a brand new house for free because you have a “sick” kid have just risen dramatically. Isn’t Ty Pennington a hottie?

On the way to the school, I stopped by the Halloween Shoppe to buy a nurses uniform.  When I got to the school, I had my form lettas on a clip board because I wanted to look official and appear professional for my new role. I went to my station to set up the vision testing. I thought the assortment of letters on the eye chart was boring, so I used my Sharpie to make my own. I have put a copy of it in with your letta because I knew you would want to use it on your own kids for a joke. The children sounded so funny reciting letters that happened to spell words like, f-u-c-k-c-o-c-k, etc…You get the idea. I Then proceeded to check their hearing. Instead of the conventional, boring hearing test of beeps, I whispered words such as, eat me, lick me, I’m gay, etc. And to add a little humor, I made the kids repeat what I just whispered to them in a normal voice. Sis you should have been there, I acted like I took offense to what they were saying, it was so hard to keep myself from laughing, luckily tears came to my eyes and it looked like I was crying. I especially liked whispering, “I’m gay,” into some of the kid’s ears. It was so funny when they would look at me without thinking and say “I’m gay?” or “I’m a homo?”, or “my dad’s a trannie?” It was priceless! I would say in a loud tone of voice, “What you’re gay?!?” Then I would humiliate them to the point at which they were crying. I told them I was a homophobic and really into hate crimes. So don’t be surprised if you are on the back of a milk carton one day.

During testing, I was scoping out each patient to determine which disease I thought they looked like they would have. At the end of the screening, I filled out a copy of the form lettah and put it in an envelope that said, “Top Secret!”. In a soft, comforting, funereal toned voice, I instructed each student to give it to their parents. Of course the kids were curious as to what was so secretive – which was my intent. So I said, “Oh all right, go ahead and open it.” Inside, each kid had a diagnosis of a lethal disease. Melvin’s disease was thoracic cancer. I guessed he had about two months to live, which I circled on his form letta, so he would be dying around Christmas. I made sure that each kid’s estimated time of death would be around a holiday. In this particular incident with Melvin, he started crying and becoming hysterical. I simply said “OH HOMEY…Oops I meant, OH HONEY! IT’S OKAY, AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE A CHRISTMASY COFFIN! THEY CAN EVEN DRESS YOU IN A SANTA, ELF or SNOWMAN SUIT! I WISH I COULD BE SO FORTUNATE!” As Melvin continued with his hysterics, I said, “There, there, now, don’t worry, your family will  still be celebrating Christmas!”

After Melvin’s overly dramatic performance, that fucking nurse came over to my station and asked what was going on. I told her to mind her own goddamned business, and that I was just trying to do my job. Then I proceeded to tell her that Melvin, that little faggot, just got a little upset about his test results. In case you’re wondering what the nurse’s name is, I don’t know. I just call her the nurse because I don’t really care. Let’s just call her Nurse Wynterbush. At that point, ole buttfish Wynterbush caught site of the vision testing letters and asked why I wasn’t using what I was given. I told her I thought the children would enjoy a little joke. Goddammit, why does everything have to be so serious all the time? Then Wynterbush noticed my clip board of forms. She said I wasn’t qualified to give a diagnosis, but I beg to differ because I had my Texas Instrument. I’ve often heard they are used in hospitals to make accurate diagnoses. When the principle got wind as to what was going on, he called for a quick staff meeting to decide my fate as a diagnostician for the student body. Three minutes later, the gym teacher and the Dean came and escorted me out of the school. Alls I said to them was that it was only meant as a neat joke. Jeeze some people just take themselves so seriously.

Obviously I got home earlier than I planned so I made you some jams, jellies and preserves. I hope you like them. I tried to incorporate today’s theme into the flavors:

1) Diagnosis Dingle berry

2) Huckleberry HIV (pronounce HIV as if you were rhyming with “give”)

3) Rest in Peace Raspberry

Love, Sis

Scientific Eye Exam

I

A   M

G    A    Y

G    R    O    W

A      B      U      S      H

B         I         G         A         N         D

H          A          I          R          Y          Y

S             K             I             N             F             L             U             T             E