Crushed!

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Cold and Isolated" Man - Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:48:00 +0000

I would say, that one of the more challenging things that women have to deal with is a man who is generally detached. He may seem emotionally uninvolved, cool headed, aloof or even icy.

Some women I know absolutely hate the impression that the "Cold and Isolated" man emits from his presence. One of the reasons that they rationalize, is that they are somewhat jealous of their ability to mask his own emotions and to stay perfectly, inscrutably unpredictable. They also said that such first impressions are according to them is a hallmark of focus, emotional mastery, self-assurance and internal clarity.

But it is not always the case, as described above. There are many underlying reasons that explains otherwise.

Being a "Cold and Isolated" man, is sometimes a very hard choice to make. Often, men choose to become one for such reasons: to protect themselves based either on their past (sometimes negative) experiences they face with people (women especially), as their own way of dealing with people due to certain social limitations they have as a individual and as one of the many means to broadcast to everyone that there will be consequences when he is manipulated selfishly or severely offended. This also means that he might even choose to allow the emotional state of relationships with the people around him suffer as well.

When it comes to women, "Cold and Isolated" men may have a hidden, unspoken prejudice that potrays women in a negative light. It usually starts to grow from past hurtful experiences such men have with women, which are mostly partially justified or fully justified, which for the most part, the female party is guilty of hurting a man's feelings. Men who go through such experiences, find it quite hard to curb away such prejudices towards other women who are clearly innocent. And the magnitude of such prejudices get horribly worse if men continue to suffer such treatment from women.

If you had read several of my past articles, you would have read about the ways of how men emotionally recuperate and rejuvinate themselves. Usually, they would prefer to be alone and have time off from their daily schedule to "sort themselves out". And they do not appreciate any violation of their private space, especially if it is of a indirect or direct attack towards our ego, fragile emotional state or insecurities.

"Cold and Isolated" men may be hard to deal with in person, they often do not wish to become pushovers, and they very often "draw a line" and set their own standards of how others would deal with him. They also project an image of themselves that inspires either fear, respect, repulsive feelings or submission. The degree of such behavior would be multiplied to become somewhat intolerable when several masculine traits come into play: Being ambitious, Bottling up emotions, Lack of emotional expression or empathy, etc. A nightmarish situation with such a man would be possible if he possesses a keen machiavellist mind, unrestrained without a strong sense of ethics and morals.

Such men are also defensive at times. They are men of anticipation and perception, seeking and keeping watch over their potential detractors.

In the next part of the "Cold and Isolated" man article, I will touch on the remedies, tactics and ways to deal with such men.

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Shy" man - Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:54:00 +0000

When it comes to women, most "shy" men are at a disadvantage in fully communicating honestly with them. Because chances are, most "shy" men know somehow at instinct that women can be very complicated, volatile and situationally difficult.

Or at least, giving the benefit of the doubt, they give themselves those excuses to "shy" away from situations which will put them to the test.

This knowledge can be obtained either through assumption, personal experience, deductive reasoning, testimonials from other men and other sources.

A variety of reasons for their behavior are many, as described in my previous post. Most "shy" men are not emotionally prepared for dealing with their own reactions towards women. They might fear they might be derailed, their stability of their emotions messed up, and they would have to clean up their own wreckage.

It is always about reactions when it comes to the "shy" man. Nothing happens to him inside when nothing ever happens.

How could a man like him be dealt with ? Or even be approached without him flustering ?

If a man like him has to be dealt with, the process of getting him to be comfortable with anyone is to slowly blend into his comfort zone. But to find out what exactly itches him or forces him to be defensive can be a challenge.

You may be surprised yet, he may possess some imperfections, dirty little secrets, past deeds he hardly is ever proud of, personal flaws that he would prefer to be kept in a locked closet. And it is things like that, which really makes a man question his own worth in a woman's eyes.

Men can be "shy" for many dfferent reasons. It can be a combination of many factors, some of them listed in my previous post, personal circumstances and difficulties which would hinder their approach to others.

And that is where you come in, perhaps the whole key to unlocking our defenses is really your empathy and understanding.

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Shy" man - Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:34:00 +0000

There are many reasons a man would subscribe to excuse themselves from communicating often with women, also with their peers in the context of general socialization. In my previous three part article, the "Prudent" man does so for very........... prudent reasons. He just knows his place and speaks when it is needed to.

For this article, we would look at the man who is supposedly "Shy".

The concept of the shy man, can be dissected into these personal traits, it may or may not apply to all "Shy" men, but in most cases it does (Note that this is not an exhaustive list):

Introverted (Usually a trait that some individuals possess, and show the skill of high concentration.)

Inarticulate (The lack of the skill when it comes to expressing his emotions into words makes him more lonely than ever.)

Close minded (Unaccepting towards other foreign social influences. Men who possess this trait have very small comfort zones. May be uninviting to people.)

Not confident (Unable to believe that he possesses the charisma to win over people. Or overcome difficulty or challenges.)

Troubled (Men shut themselves out when dealing with personal problems, for the case of the "Shy" man, it usually is emotional problems or personal difficulties in life that have made a significant negative impact.)

Untrusting towards people (Usually strangers get the cold shoulder, may be caused by past emotional hurts or social complications that he may have experienced.)

Driven (An uncommon trait. Men who possess this trait may forgo most or almost every aspect of his social life to achieve a personal goal or achievement, or live out an ideal. Some of them are idealistic. May not be entirely "Shy".)

Self assured (Having being content with all he has in his life, he finds little reason to convey and communicate with others. Men who possess this trait might possess at least an above average amount of pride. May have a superiority complex.)

Controlled (Often a product of being nutured at a young age to restrain one's self. It can be also freely chosen by the individual to control his otherwise naturally abrasive personality. And avoid undesirable social circumstances. May be conservative in personality, ethics or morals.)

Little or no empathy (The lack of empathy in a "Shy" man means that he would find it hard to relate to others, let alone communicate in a amiable manner. Or maybe even communicate at all.)

Jaded or Knowledgable (Having seen and experienced everthing in his own perspective, the "Shy" man often retreats away into self contemplation. Often does not care about how people would think of him.)

Disillusional (The "Shy" man might reject reality and live accordingly the way he wants, on his own terms. Some men who possess this trait are idealists.)

Stay tuned for part 2. I will try to piece together the traits......... and see the "Shy" man for who he is.

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Prudent" man - Part 3)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Fri, 22 May 2009 06:01:00 +0000

For the most part, I would personally say that the "Strong, Silent" type of man is a man of reaction.

Prefering to react than to initiate. Always instinctively cautious. Always observing and studying instead or approaching and engaging first. Knowing when to hammer the iron when it is hot, and when the need for action and words is required at it's most urgent time. The hallmarks of the "Prudent" man.

Men like them, are usually aware of their own shortcomings, flaws and limitations. They may also be more emotionally honest with their own feelings, though they may not choose to talk or confide openly about it. If they do ever experience an event that leaves behind an exceptional, strong, almost uncontrollable degree of emotions inside them, chances are is that they would spend their resources of inner willpower, reasoning capabilities to temper down their feelings to control them.

One important fact to note, is that men who are supposedly "Prudent" may not be who they currently are by choice. Various circumstances in their personal lives may have forced or unnoticeably nutured them to adapt a persona of the "Prudent" man. They might have experienced: fierce opposition from their peers, emotional ostracization from their loved ones, disapproval from their colleagues, the trauma of having to adapt to difficult circumstances, the list goes on. A very personal quote that I remember all too fondly, partially summarizes the point in this paragraph: Creative genius is often a result of complete misery.

Based on the previous paragraph, our "Prudent" personality could be described as a filter, a firewall, or a fortress if you could visualize it. It is the very tool that helps us weather through the bullshit, trials, limitations and trashy individuals that life has to offer us. It can't be helped if you feel that we are too defensive or passive for our own good, but we naturally have to protect our own lives and sanity.

We wouldn't do the world much justice if we let our guard down and not be firm in our resolve to provide for ourselves first, there will be a time and place in many different moments in our lives that we take a break and let others see who we really are, and hopefully they will come to understand why we always put up a mask for everyone to see. And when we do let our guard down, and if you do see something in ourselves that you don't like, be gentle. Or keep quiet about our flaws. Or leave. We may have too much on our hands to deal with ourselves.

The world is never simple. It is increasingly volatile with each single passing moment. When it comes to social contact, the "Prudent" man knows, that the people around him, do have their own agendas, their own yardstick to judge others by, their own dreams and aspirations, and their desires. Nothing is for sure in a ever changing world, and that is why the "Prudent" man stays silent.

He merely wants to make sense of it all, and prepare to react, and act in a truly prudent way.

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Prudent" man - Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:53:00 +0000

The "Strong, Silent" man, would almost inevitably be plagued for the most part of his life with a creeping sense of personal loneliness. No matter what reasons he has, to stay or become who he is at the moment.

However, for the specific case of the "Prudent" man, for the most part, he would almost certainly be the most calculative and observant one.

He may be self-absorbed at times, a proactive contemplative on some occassions, heavily questioning on himself and various aspects of his life when he is alone, and perhaps a little shy on how he reacts. Some negative traits he may possess at first glance are cynicism, jadedness, an untrusting attitude, shy, insecure at times about himself, being unapproachable, pretentiousness, having a passive yet aggressive aura about him, complete disinterest in the people around him or his immediate surroundings and a lack of interest for activity.

Assuming that he seems to be a person who could be approached without harmful repercussions, approaching such a man and to socialize with him, usually requires a great deal of empathy, sometimes in some men - intelligence, honesty and most definitely, a pleasant disposition. Men who are described as such, give high regards to individuals who are able to engage their own thoughts and personal perspectives with constructivity, understanding and mutual respect in conversations. It never hurts to be humble and accepting in such social exchanges with men, and it is always the catalyst that speeds the process of building trust.

Because most men usually bottle up their feelings, they would address their emotions indirectly. And they would keep it a private affair to themselves. There are definitely some emotional issues that we don't want to tell a woman, and we certainly do not want to be labelled as an emotional basketcase by them. Of course, if we are surrounded by people (doesn't matter if they are male or female) whom we trust, and are as emotionally vulnerable just as us, we react with reassurance by knowing that their presence alone does make the decisive difference in our mood and temperament.

When it comes to personal problems and insecurities, our preference to tackle sensitive issues usually is to go at it alone. We may sometimes enlist the help of another male compatriot or friend for advice, but usually choose not to reveal so much of our personal crisis. In events such as this, this is when we are at our most reserved and territorial of our personal space.

The "Prudent" man may not always be an absolute enigma to women, but almost always his reasons for being the way he is are mostly rational, within the reaches of understanding, though it might be subject to unforgiving scrutiny if exposed.

Remember, just because we stay silent, doesn't mean that we do not notice. And chances are, if we do notice someone that catches our attention and become our personal muse (for many reasons), you may be surprised at how "deep the rabbit hole goes".

The "Strong, Silent" Man (The "Prudent" man - Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Mon, 11 May 2009 04:57:00 +0000

It's quite understandable that a whole lot of people would almost immediately pass superficial judgement on such men who are supposedly "Strong and Silent", usually either labelling him an idiot or a intellectual. Or just being arrogant. In any of these cases, most women just hate the fact that such men are assumingly not capable of the mutual reciprocation of words (conversation).

And some men, know secretly that it is slowly killing them (some women) softly. Most women live, breathe and depend on constant socializing.

There are multiple reasons why a man stays silent, and as a man myself, the virtue of prudence is one of my personal reasons.

It does sound like a convinient excuse to escape from talking, isn't it ? Actually, it's true. Some men who are shy, not intelligent enough or socially inept find it convinient to adapt this virtue and at the same time empower him with a dignified sense of moderation with words. Or with a reassuring sense that he would be left alone without having to reveal his embarassing social shortcomings.

However, the men who sincerely adapt this social stance for it's own value and worth, usually believe in these guidelines which aids them in many ways. As described below:

Spare no effort for meaningless talk. Say what you mean. Sometimes, a little bullshit between two understanding parties is needed for a little fun and to let off steam.
Almost everything is based on perfect timing. Circumstances and the desire for communication with people often conflict with each other.
Words do have incredibly volatile value. It is up to the individual to empower his words.
When dealing with women, leave no room for deception. And be ready to become more attentive.
Actions do speak louder than words. There is always a time to act or either speak.
Because men like us hardly speak, we need to make every word count when we speak.
Our true feelings may or may not be accepted by those around us (especially when it comes to women), therefore the constant need to restrain ourselves and come to terms with our feelings.
I am an individual. I deal with others with the utmost respect for anyone I come in contact with, and I expect the same treatment to be reciprocated.

There might be more guidelines which the "Prudent" man would adapt, the list could be endless, and it varies from each masculine individual.

The next blog post will deal with the very heart of the "Prudent" man. Which in turn, motivates him to be who he is at the present moment.

The "Strong, Silent" Man (Introduction Article)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 06:15:00 +0000

You probably never noticed him. You probably couldn't be bothered about him. But definitely, I believe you must have wondered "where is he coming from" at one point in time in your life.

I could easily say that I am one of many of such men too.

So why the silence ? Why is that man in the corner, keeping to himself and not communicating ? Or maybe, he just happens to shy away from some things that you need to find out ? Why waste all effort into being so inscrutable and mysterious, you might ask yourself ?

The next few (indefinite number of) articles on this blog will focus heavily on: The "Strong, Silent" Man. For many reasons unknown to the feminine eye........ we turn inwards to ourselves in many ways.

But do remember, we do have our own reasons to stay that way. And that makes us (maybe, maybe not) just as volatile as women. (Sorry, no pun or offence intended.)

Bad Girls (Part 3)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 23:59:00 +0000

Oh boy, sometimes (most of the times) we (men) really wish that things were really straight forward like from the good old days.

When the Gallant Knight saves the Damsel in Distress from an Evil Dragon......... When the Hero finally smiles, knowing his job is done and walks into the sunset in the final scene of a good movie. Just like Clint Eastwood (Whatever, I don't watch enough movies).

Unfortunately, things aren't simple as we wish it to be, and it sure as hell intimidates us....... it is already draining enough to be just only involved in tense, testing situations with women who have issues.

You see, the complications (that you suffer from, and we men get tired from) are as such:

The emotional aspect of a woman (you !) is one we have to tackle. And then the emotional wounds (insecurities.....past hurts.....unfulfilled desires) just adds up to the complications. The psychological damage done to the mental state of mind perhaps multiplies the already disturbing mess within the lady. And to top it off, the conscious choice to adapt the "Bad Girl" persona..... just means that...... it gets quite difficult for us......as the whole issue is scrambled into small little pieces..... and probably encrypted with a code that will take years to decipher. Oh my God. Three degrees of complications. It isn't a wonder why men often choose to engage with shallow (often sexual) relationships with these women, without the emotional engagement.

(Yes, yes....... I know from my knowledge, THAT PART OF BEING A BAD GIRL. As much as we want UNRESTRICTED PASSIONATE MIND BLOWING CARNAL SEX, it's hard to find, so most of us go for the next best hassle free method to get it. Yeah, I know......... WE REALLY ARE BASTARDS sometimes.)

Sure..... sure...... sure................. whatever........ you'll say. Now, the thing is this. I don't know what is happening in your life right now and the kind of complications you are facing now.

For all I know, you might have a possessive, abusive boyfriend whom you could never truly feel you could escape from.........................be pregnant with a child whose father has irresponsibly left you.............. be stuck in a Marriage where almost everything or everything is falling apart........... having a long string of failed relationships, being disappointed in the men you fell in love with......... being abused when you were a kid, or experienced something very traumatic at one point in time in your life............ the list goes on.

As much as there are people who care and want to help you back on your feet, they don't really know the whole mess as you do. You are sitting on the driver's seat, steering your life to wherever you may wish. Trying to find a way out of your mess.

The people who do truly care and are willing to sit on this journey of yours can give you directions............ sure.... they may not be right all the time, but even if they were right, chances are of you trying to work it out on the right advice................ is difficult. (I'm a little bit of a bad boy myself......so I guess I roughly know that feeling.....)

They may even go so far, to try to fix this problem of yours, by taking matters into their own hands and do something about it. But of course, I don't think you'll like that. You'll shred them into pieces for them trying to interfere with your life. I'm not surprised. You're a bad girl after all, right ? Heh. Sucks to be them.

I don't know how long it will take for you to resolve your issues, but I can only tell you (what I have done to get myself out of my own personal shithole)....... how to start and go at it till you've reached the end of it all.

As much as you want a Knight in Shining Armor (or some other kind of hero/heroine, or angelic saint, or whatever) to rescue you and live happily ever after........ you would need to acknowledge the problems you have and deal with it the best way you can. Yeah, it's tough....... you may need help (if you really need it), but help and support does comes in very unexpected ways (especially not the way you wanted it....... well, nothing really is perfect.), sometimes even it goes unnoticed (even unappreciated especially) by you !

It can get lonely at times, when you try to work it out, so it doesn't hurt to be a little bit extra nice to look approachable or friendly to people (even strangers) whom you feel you have a decent chance to connect with. And....... you'll never really know, how much it would help you till you try..... it did worked out for me a whole lot. Remember, there is a different varying limit to how much good-willed people can help, so do not expect too much from them. It is important to find out exactly how much of themselves they can give to support you, because if you ask too much........ they might just walk away and never turn back. And you wouldn't want to be stuck in a bitter lonely spot all the time, it'll just make things worse.

Too bad for us (men), fixing up a woman with issues isn't as straightforward as fighting a Dragon with a Sword and Protective Armor. But we certainly and definitely can be there, and stick around to make it work out. It does get depressing (for us) when it seems nothing good is coming out of it.

So, all the more reason for the both of us to really be honest with our issues and energetic in our zeal to restore (or if your issues really honestly gotten that bad to a certain point...... to salvage a fraction of......), the sweet happy fun loving girl that should have been.

And if you ever do resolve your issues, we'll be proud of ourselves when you say: Chivalry isn't dead, but merely evolved to a more modern form.

Bad Girls (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:16:00 +0000

This article is a continuation of my previous entry: Bad Girls (Part 1). I've taken too much time in idleness to neglect the progress of this 3 part article, and regretfully, this is the only article i've gotten the most genuine feedback from.

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Men would usually classify "Bad Girls" as no-nonsense, tough-as-nails, difficult, emotionally disturbed, emotionally dead, impossibly troubled and defiantly dominant women........with a modest/extreme/rational degree of dislike for men, or an isolated mindset based on her jaded feelings, past emotional wounds or unpleasant experiences. Sometimes from men, sometimes due to unlucky circumstance.

Most men would steer clear away from such women, due to the excess baggage that these women have. It is understandable from my point of view, as a man, it is already quite difficult to deal with a woman's emotions, even occasionally for an experienced, empathetic man.

But it would suck all out the life, energy, passion, feelings and zest for romance when we have to deal with a woman's emotions wrecked and mangled into a mess. Instant death for the man who knows not better, who knows not what lies in store for him.

I know of a man who had, in his opinion, a very beautiful girlfriend. Unfortunately, she had been through a very tough, trying time in her life, and she failed to recover from her disordered state. I am only going to say this much about her traumatic episode................. she won't be able to trust or look at men positively after what she has been through.

Naturally, he did tried everything to make the best out of a bad situation, however.......................................... (in his opinion he told me:) she just doesn't cooperate with his efforts to help herself go back to the way she normally is.............. and she kept allowing her past events keep traumatizing her. (It can be hard for a woman to overcome painful events like that. It's understandable.)

Everything went downhill from that point onwards, and he naturally had to leave her. I don't even need to write the details here.

I believe they did the best they could and they possibly even asked help from all their friends and loved ones to remedy the situation. In his defence, he still cared for her while his options were open and when he saw he could do something while he still can.

Of course................................in that example above, the woman in question hardly qualifies as a "Bad Girl". Just a sweet adorable woman who is unfortunate and probably, because of all that has happened........... could possibly be a good opportunity for her to change into a "Bad Girl".

I guess that is (possibly one of the many ways) how Psychobitches from Hell are born. We definitely don't need any more women like that, but they just keep coming.

Partially because of men who do not measure up to be resilient against the temptations of dating, the occassional disaster, the problems of married life............. the list goes on and on. But lets be realistic.........the chances of you getting, a Superhero of a man is.............. as rare as striking the million dollar jackpot in Las Vegas.

If you're a "Bad Girl", and if you're reading this, my heart goes out to you. My last part to this 3 part article will (hopefully) address, how you can get out of your affliction. I hope......

Coin (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 09:45:00 +0000

Author's note: The usage of metaphors is frequent on this article. While feedback has been given to me to simplify my usage of the English Language, I am trying to keep my articles as simple as I can to the best of my ability.

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The third side to a coin:

Can you guess where does the third side of a coin resides ?

If you guessed that it's third side resides on its edge, you're right.

Some men, attempt to "balance" themselves, to be a perfect blend of who they really are, and the person that they have become. In metaphorical terms, to expose both sides of the coin.

For some men, it is an easy feat doing this. Being true to his own personality and at the same time, fulfilling the demands of what the people around him require of him as a man. I believe that there are a lot of popular contemporary fictional heroes who are like that, or at least try to maintain that supposed balance. Like James Bond, whose calculative, deviant charm can only be resisted by the likes of his Superior: M, who reads him like a open book. Most of the time, James balances himself without much difficulty.

Of course, there is a modestly large number of men, who attempt to be like that. It isn't easy. Often, we would fail this "balancing act", wondering why we could not do it with ease.

Personally, i have naturally attempt this "balancing act" myself.

I'll speak from my own experiences on my personal attempts, whether if you think i have achieved success or failure (or even make relevant, common sense) is entirely up to you.

I find that attempting to stay in my own "balancing act", places me on a very vulnerable state. Bear with me as i explain a little further.

One side of the coin would weigh much more than the other (My real self would come into conflict with the person i became), and i do find myself caught off balance occasionally, while trying to stay "balanced". And frankly speaking, that isn't something you want others to witness. People would think that you're being somebody that you're not and that can be quite damaging to how people would perceive you as a person.

The most difficult part of this "balancing act" is that, once you really stumble over to fall flat, it is much more challenging to get up and attempt the "balancing act" once more. It really takes a determined, thick skinned, resilient, die-hard man to pick himself up from failure to once again, give it one more try.

Ultimately, the worst undesirable consequence is this........................ because I'm trying maintaining that "balancing act", i know that some of my flaws, incapability and perhaps, my own personal dark secrets would be exposed. And to men like myself, that is unthinkable. It is too painful to let it reside even for a moment in my mind.

Because of our fear of this, we do fight an inner battle to deal with our skeletons in our closet. Because to stay "balanced on the third side of the coin" is to be the best that we can be, when we keep on our toes and be aware of ourselves. Because, if we manage to succeed once.......... after so many failures, we'll naturally carry ourselves well. And we would like our "significant other", no matter who she is, to be proud of that.

Conclusion:

To sum it all up, from my first part and second part of the article, Coin: There are many different sides to a man, we also have our way of being complicated....... to also really discern the person that we really are inside........ to figure out how are we going to deal with ourselves........ to try to reconcile the person that we really are, with the person that we have become, and grow into a different man from that point onwards.

That is the one part of our lives, when we really wish that we were alone to fix ourselves to perfection. This really is one of those moments in a man's life where he is totally vulnerable.

We do not expect you to perfectly understand what we go through, or feel the way we feel, but if you happen to truly, sincerely want to break into our self imposed lonely contemplation and provide emotional reassurance, sincere understanding and unconditional acceptance of who we are, we'll love you a whole lot more for that very thing you've chose to do for us. (Of course, be a little gentle when you do approach us...... it helps a lot to soften us up to let you "in our world".)

Coin (Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:18:00 +0000

Have you ever found yourself in those short little moments, when you wondered about the man (it could be anyone) in your life sometimes ? About who he really is deep down inside ?

It is hard to find out where a man is coming from, and i know that for women, often do let their thoughts and imagination run and try to picture a man based on their own perceptions.

Well, i might not have all the right answers to the masculine mind or the perfect guideline on personal discernment.................... but perhaps, my first part of my little philosophical guideline rant today might help you just a little.

You see, a man is very much like a coin, not totally, but somewhat similar to it. While a coin has 2 sides to it, a man has 3 sides.

And like a coin, a man would often find himself being either having one side of himself facing upwards for the world to see, while the opposite side facing downwards in complete privacy.

3 sides ! Yes. 3 sides. Now allow me to explain the 3 different sides to a man:

The first side to a coin:

The first side to a man, is the essence of the man that he originally is. The personality that he was born with, his individual psyche, his sense of his own true self.

In the deepest darkest recesses of a man's soul, lies the person that he really is. That is the "first side of a coin". It is deeply embedded in us. We do not wish to show it, preferring to hide it under lock and key. You see, as men, we tend to be modestly vulnerable about this part of ourselves. And this is where our flaws, natural behavior, ego, desires, pride and masculine instincts really reside.

Have you ever felt certain vibes from a man, who is currently or was involved in your life ? (For example) When, perhaps, you felt that he was attracted to you in one way or another ? Maybe.............. it was a vibe that spoke subtle signals to you that he is somewhat sexually interested in you as a woman ? I believe that is our "first side" at work.

Men, or i should say for most men, find that the contemporary social situation in our lives demands that we should be more than what we originally are. And that also means keeping ourselves in check (especially in sexual matters). To grow and to be moulded into what i would say, would be the..........

The second side to a coin:

The second side to a man, is the essence of a man for who he has become. His ambitions, dreams, ideals, personal drive, his intellect, his way of thought forms much of this "side of the coin".
As males come to an age (the age varies from man to man, individualistically) where instinct gives way to reason, a boy would be nudged to slowly become a man.

It is from this point where the real work begins for a man. The drive to prove one's worth, the drive to achieve, to build a sense of worth through accomplishments. This masculine crusade is really much of a battle to prove our worth and perhaps to reassure ourselves that, through such successful efforts, we can compensate for the flaws and failings that we have initially. That's the problem with us, we do not address such personal issues as we ideally should.

Frankly speaking, from this very point as i write, i did imagine myself being a woman and how i would react when i am reading this. I wouldn't be impressed at all. (I know..... I know...... i honestly believe i would sincerely be a very difficult woman if things were DIFFERENT.)

For some members of the "aggressive sex", it is difficult and even daunting because of this "sudden" change. They would cling on to certain aspects of their initial phases of their lives, the times where we could never totally let go of our nostalgia.

After all, i believe that most of us men do have a childish side that allows us to sometimes break free from belittling demands of the environment around us. In some occasionally extreme cases, a few select men grow to use their capabilities of reasoning to justify their personal choice to embrace their "First Side" and freely express it. Personally, i feel that men like that are not really worth much in both style and substance. They, more often than not, have qualities, traits even flaws from their "First Side" that has yet to be refined and grown to fit into the "Second Side".

But what about the "The Third Side of a coin" ? What is it all about ? Stay tuned to find out.

Roxanne

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 23:09:00 +0000

I believe that almost all men would find lingerie advertisements very enticing. The image of a very beautiful woman caught seen wearing even the most unpretentious, dullest piece of underwear is enough to make a man explode. I am no exception. But i am doing something about it, for myself.

Men truly are visual creatures (pigs) when it comes to women. Blame us as much as you want, but we are going to naturally be this way for a very very long time. It is a degrading issue that is very difficult to rectify. It is difficult for us to see a woman the way we ideally should when this happens.

What can you do about it ?

Now, i am not saying that you wear a two piece lingerie outfit everyday to work at a strip club, but my point is that you should dress as modestly as you can, whenever the situation, wherever you go.

Yes, you can still retain your personal style of fashion and still project yourself as an individual, and more importantly, a lady who does not need men perceiving her as a whore.

Subtle and noticing women can be, you can use your natural instincts to notice hints of immodesty in the way you dress and correct your own style. I am not entirely a fashionable man, but i roughly know at first glance, the image a woman unknowingly/knowingly projects herself in the public eye. And in this fast paced ever changing world, not even i could spare a second thought at an immodestly dressed woman, or even spare her the benefit of the doubt for that matter. If i had the luxury of time to engage in conversation to a woman like that, i would be speechless in a negative way.

Perhaps more men than women like myself, are in need to desperately straighten up and get our mind out of the gutter. The both of us really need to do something about it. But if you can beat me to it, i would pin a medal on you.

I believe that that there is a time and place for everything, and the fact that we are not perfect beings means that mistakes will happen even at the most crucial moments.

And there are very few rare moments that parallel its importance, than having to be socially associated with a lady for the first time, with a chance of possibly growing a fantastic relationship between both parties.

To all the ladies we still love dearly and bear feelings for, whom we could never share our lives with.

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:54:00 +0000

After a 8 month time period, i have taken time off dedicated to self reflection, widen the horizons of my mind and personal experiences, i was inspired to write again once more:

--------------------------------------------

It is inevitable. For some men. At some point in time in their lives.

For the most part, it hits us hard at where we are most vulnerable. It is a "trap" that disrupts our lives and forces us to become better or worse as men. Now, what would that "trap" be ?

Having to bear or grow genuine/lustful feelings for a lady who is already in a relationship, engagement, marriage with another man.

When we realize this, and could not deny anymore our true feelings, our mind goes haywire more often than not.

We give ourselves to the benefit of the doubt, we begin to disbelieve what we know, we start to straighten ourselves up as men, suddenly be at our very best, or scramble to put a stop to the emotional chaos and set things in order, maybe even seek closure in one way or another. Depending on our unique situations involving us and our seemingly impossible love interest , we do what we often feel would bring us closer to her. It is like a drug, and the withdrawal symptoms for us are so severe, sometimes unknowingly to us it we become critically dependent on it, we often do not break the habit. For some men, it is their undoing. For some men, they grow stronger out of it.

We really try to do the best we can, when we are put to the test. But that doesn't mean we would necessarily do the things that would truly be for the best. The thing is that we often allow selfishness to slip into our efforts, give up and allow the issue to fester within ourselves until it will implode, or ignore our true feelings and pretended that it never happened.

Why do we do this ?

It's all about you really, you're the reason. We wouldn't know how you would react, especially when you already are with another man. It is like being given Pandora's Box and opening it would mean literally, to confess our feelings to you. As much as we try to decipher and predict how you would react by observing you and ourselves, and giving thought to the already depressing episode that surrounds us, we are still fearful of the possible collateral effects and damage that we bring to the both parties. I believe that, you could imagine this whole possible outcome yourself.

However, I, as a man myself, could do so much on my part, to acquit myself the most ideal way any man could.

Because, really, seriously, it takes two hands to clap. Your hand. With mine. Together.

I need you to understand that while you're with another man, possibly for the rest of your life, i do perhaps feel more or less the same way towards you, just as the man in your life right now. We may never be together, but it would mean the world to me if you remember me for who i am and the feelings i bear for you. I very much wish, with the deepest heartfelt desire i have right now, for you to use this memory of me, to help you grow inside. To help you be a much more wiser, stronger woman who has yet to encounter many things in life, to be resilient when the going gets tough and to be delicate when tenderness is required. That is all i ask. And i will do the same, in my beloved memory.

*************************************************
Author's Note: Olivia, I may never have you by my side, but i have firmly decided that all these words i've written above, are of the very best of myself and true to my beliefs. You may never see what i have written here, i wish you did, but you have no idea how much you've done for me. You brought out the very best of myself, i wish i can do the same, but i don't know how. So God help me, while i wait, growing the virtue of patience which i should have grown a long time ago. Even if it is never meant to be, you will always have my blessings and my unselfish love, now and forever.
*************************************************

Side purse

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:41:00 +0000

The Late Mother Teresa once said: “We can do no great things; only small things with great love.”.

Given this contemporary saintly woman's extensive life's work in feeding, caring, giving religious hope to the poor, destitute, deprived and hungry people of India, Ethiopia, Armenia and in many countries, it is truly an amazing personal feat to behold.

So what does she have to do with a blog like mine anyway ?

Simply put, i have used Mother Teresa's words, as simply a metaphor to describe how similar her personal philosophy is, contrasting against the small things that most women say, do, act, think, react, behave, out of love in a relationship.

And it's all about how, we men react to it. It's about the small things.

Men are often guilty of not noticing the small little things that their ladies do for them, in their everyday lives. And at times, women do these small things at their own personal expense (emotional, financial, psychological, time) which makes our ignorance to all they do, all the more painful to them.

Our justified reasons for this lack of awareness to these small loving gestures are many (Maybe we're tired and want to space out our mind, maybe we fail to notice these things, maybe this, maybe that.), but most of us know better that in your eyes, it will never be truly justified and accepted. The feelings of hurt linger and fester until we perhaps do something that will redeem ourselves in your eyes. And sometimes we do not know how to do it, to redeem ourselves.

Some of us can sense this inner turmoil that goes through inside of women, though we may not have the needed remedy to purge the manifested ugliness of it. We do fear at times that we were guilty of making you feel the way you've felt inside, and wished that you wouldn't feel that way always even if it isn't our fault, especially to the women we deeply care about. We wouldn't feel good about you feeling lousy (even if it isn't our fault) and we wouldn't feel assured if you're keeping it all inside yourself also.

The best thing that you could do really, is to talk it out with your significant other in mutual dialogue. Talk about how you really feel inside and address what has been done that left you bitter and lonely. Preferably, talk to him privately and engage him in a respectful, considerate manner without denting his ego or feelings.

It may be seem awkward and too forthcoming for some (couples), but if worse comes to worst, having to drag out the issue at hand into the light is the only way to remedy the situation. However, do so at a time when the both of you are ready for honest dialogue. Be wary also, that most men do not like this form of confrontation, once again, the masculine ego comes to play, playing a large role in this mess. Watch out for the words you'll use, they might work against you instead.

Alternatively, if you are not ready to talk to him, friends, family, trusted company and counselling telephone hotlines can provide the service of letting you, pour out your negative feelings, elevating the pain for a while.

But what if you are truly alone, with no one to talk to about your turmoil ? One method you could resort to is to write down your thoughts on a diary. It's a very private way to express out one's feelings. It provides space for you to think through things and do much needed reflection. If you feel like it, you may even blog about it, just make sure the blog can only be seen by you alone. One could also resort to exercise to release the tension built within the body due to this inner stress. Reading books is a good way to take your mind away too, try buying a thick huge book of any random subject and just blindly read. Sadly, some women have to resort to such measures as a permanent one, as the chances of such communication happening between them and their spouses/boyfriend/crush is very low. And there is no closure or resolution towards such issues.

If you've any questions, feel free to post them into my comment box for this entry.

Bad Girls (Part 1)

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:22:00 +0000

We've heard of the Legendary Bad Boy stereotype, that one single guy striding through the masculine crowd, being tough as he should be, going his own way always without a care about anyone else............... because he knows what he wants...... and he'll get it somehow.

But have you ever met his female counterpart ?

Yes, that kind of girl whom you (girls) love to hate, that you guard your boyfriends from, that men absolutely do not want mum and dad to know they're going out with, that has inspired many songwriters to get pop artistes to sing hit songs like: "Maneater", "Buttons.". The Bad Girl.

There are some, very appealing attributes about bad girls that we men secretly like and compell us to do certain "imposssible" things. And they aren't necessarily always about sex and anything sexual.

Somehow, there are some men (myself included) who have a soft spot for bad girls.
Who can't stop themselves embracing their indirect paternal instincts and switch on our sensitive sides, to cater to the emotional needs of these women.
Most of these women have issues, but then again, who doesn't ?

I have always felt, that for these women, their bad girl image, their bad girl identity is like a highly decorated military medal to them.

They seem to embrace it, show it with pride, and accomplishment. They show it because it shows that: "Hey, i want to be just like the nice, sweet, innocent girl that you always like to chat up and do stuff with, but i can't do that ! I wish i was like that but some parts in my life just doesn't work out the way i'd like it to be. And i just can't help stop myself from being like this. So what i'm going to do is that i'm going to let this image of mine empower me and give me strength. So that i can never be anyone's bitch and can be more of what i am than i was before."

Some of these women may have gone through some inevitable and very bad experiences at one point in time more often than most women,
Or maybe some of them chose freely to adapt this image, beccause they feel defensive about themselves or perhaps because of many different mysterious reasons.
Who knows ? Maybe it could be that her problems might be personally too negative and personal to share.........difficult to understand, accept or sympathize....... by anyone.

Stay tuned as we go deeper into this subject in the future.

sneak attack !

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:42:00 +0000

We shall address the presence of one of the many demons within us men that have long afflicted us in our romantic relationships (be it a crush, normal romantic relationship, marriage, etc). Insecurity.

It pushes its offensive strategy and tactics against us in many forms (especially in many unfavorable, unideal situations/times with our spouse/girlfriend/crush, etc), often scouting for an unprotected flank to breach through our most personal vulnerable point.

More often than not, the situation would start out like this......... there's bound to be imperfect moments where the man in the relationship would feel that he is not fully treasured/liked/loved/adored for who he is or is taken for granted, and he would question his own worth in himself and his lady's eyes. We see it as a big dent to our ego and its a problem for us.

Men in response to this would usually spend time alone, withdrawing away emotionally and mentally, prefering to solve our problems by focusing on it and dwelling on the problem at hand. At such times, he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feelings that she normally receives and certainly deserves. It is difficult for women to deal with such situations, as they depend on constant communication for support and being emotionally involved in the relationship.

And when it happens, there are opportunities where the demon could sow his seeds, both inside the male and female in the relationship. By growing feelings of lack of mutual trust...... understanding, feelings of neglect, sometimes paranoia and fear. Don't forget we have our masculine ego at times that just makes things worse.

At our low/lowest point, there is a need for us to exorcise this demon, to exorcise this specific demon with assurance, closure and acceptance. Before it starts to weaken the relationship.

Although at times we (men) remain bitter about the way we were ignored, treated, shelved aside for the time being.... but at the same time, we know deep down inside of us, you hold the key to setting us free from our instinctive reaction to withdraw away.

Though we do retreat away, to work things out inside ourselves in our life together, from time to time, we'd love to recieve your much needed reassurance, knowing that we're still being loved/adored for who we are.
The warm gesture of appreciation for us, might/would make us remove away our tendency to being emotionally numb/unfeeling and to be more understanding, sensitive to your emotional needs.
The right words that cuts away the affliction of insecurity that plague our heart, might/would touch our hearts to turn away from our wretched state and go back to the way things should rightfully be. Maybe in doing so, we'll slowly begin to appreciate the small little things that you say and do for us, and perhaps love you even more for it.

It's tricky having to approach us at the right time, while being emotionally withdrawn. However, I always believed in perfect timing, striking when the iron is hot. It is more of an intuition of knowing what must be done at any specific moment in life. I believe women are very much more capable in this aspect, much more than men. We could learn a thing or two from the way women sense things around them, to apply it to everything we do, and do it better.

And thereafter, we could start working things out, making sure that it won't happen again.

what's to like ?

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:36:00 +0000

Okay, we already know by now, men are for the most part, visual creatures.

It is already inside of us, this instinctive drive to find the best possibe mate that we can see with our eyes, and if the lady we like is within our capability to seize for a potential mate, we go for it. It is our nature to do so, in fact for most living male species of all types of lifeforms in this earth, they adopt this behavior and this role for the natural order of the earth.

But we have an emotional aspect too. This goes for the same way (some) men attempt to seek out their potential mate. To establish an emotional connection through discernable forms of communication between a guy and a girl. And unlike women who have to manage their emotions all the time, most men find it hard to manage their feelings. And when we do this, it really gets risky for us, especially when having a crush on a lady we like.

Consider this Real Life Example. There was a man who is training to become a Roman Catholic Priest, and his priestly training involves counselling people who have problems in real life. He counselled a woman who was divorced and have two children. He so greatly sympathized with her and her situation, that he grew feeelings for her (maybe forgotten his role as a priest in training ?) and married her eventually.

We may not show our negative/positive emotions as often as you probably want to see, but that's probably because we bottle it all up, put on a front to maintain that facade of confidence (we don't wish you to worry about us, that you can be confident in us) or choose not to confide in anyone whom we feel is not trustworthy (most of us don't feel at ease when we confide our problems to a woman). Most of us know, that our emotions can get the better of us, so we chose not to even deal with it in the first place.

I know just about enough that (maybe not enough), most women love to hug and give care for a man they like when they are vulnerable, down and out, emotionally overwhelmed (I may be wrong though). But before we can allow that to happen, we need to be reassured that, we're not made any less of a man because we allow ourselves to be vulnerable just for that critical moment. Men.......... and their stupid egos.......Hahaha.

After all, i believe all women would love to confide their problems to a man whom they can trust and who represent a strong, steady pillar of support. Most of us would like to instinctively whoop out scented lavender candles, chamomile herbal tea and give a relaxing massage at the end of a hellish day for a lady who's trying her best to make her way into the world.

Deep down inside of us, we want to give tender loving care especially when you need it the most. It makes us feel complete as a man. We may not know to execute it properly, but that is a skill we need to learn and improve on. I can testify for myself what i have said, through my own experiences.

Please give us that chance. We'd both score points in doing so, okay ?

bridging

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 10:27:00 +0000

When a woman, presents herself in a specific time, place and situation, in the presence of a man or several men, there's bound to be masculine reaction.

We could get unemotionally cold, totally uninterested, hopelessly neutral, hopelessly head over heels......... the list goes on.

We can't help ourselves noticing when a lady steps into our sights, we're visual creatures after all.

But most of us knowing the way women are, we more or less know they are creatures of communication, almost all types of communication. Whether they have caught the gaze of a man looking at her for a while, or casually talking with a friend, or dealing with work professionally with her colleagues, they intercept and translate such indirect or direct "messages" and access the people, the environment around them. (much later as i blog, i would address the way we see or assume what or how women think and what we think about it.)

That's where the bridge to enter into your life comes in. Communication. Communicating with you. Giving an account of ourselves, for who we are (and in some cases, to woo you to be our girl.). For the most part, women are more receptive to words. It is direct, very hard to deny, and we don't deny that most romantic relationships start out on just talking.

What else can we do if we can't talk ? If we can't talk, we mostly be at our best and carry ourselves the best way we could. If we can't do that, we look for alternatives, any alternatives to make you notice us. If you don't notice us doing that................ well, we did try.....

For some or most situations, we could not find a common topic to just casually talk to you about, just to know you better. To just build on a simple casual healthy friendly relationship, where words can easily be exchanged with a measure of mutual happiness. It is a mental challenge for some (most) men who want to "build a bridge".

But ultimately, whether we like it or not, we have to sweat it out, die to ourselves, pour in our heart and soul, just to build that bridge. To seize the chance. We admit sometimes we give up hopelessly, never knowing what it'll be like to know you through and through, admiring for who you really are.

This is just one of the stumbling blocks that we face, that often work against us. However that is the least of our worries, as there are much more darker powers at hand.......undermining what we often choose to do, and make us fall from your good books.

bottled and sealed

noreply@blogger.com (Crushed!) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:32:00 +0000

Men don't usually get caught up in emotional affairs. But chances are, that usually most men are willing to get emotional at times involving the following:

Watching/Playing Competitive Sports
Sexual (Non-Sexual) Attraction towards a Girl/Lady/Woman.
Nursing a Crush on a Girl/Lady/Woman !
Romantic Relationships
Passions In Life (Hobbies, Voluntary Labors of Love)
Their Personal Pride and their Place, Role in the World/Society
Being Violated Of Their Personal Privacy/Pride

And the list goes on.

Most (or a modest number of) men, when dealing with their crushes, bottle up their feelings.
Most of us feel that bottling our emotions felt for our crush is fine. So as long as the bottle doesn't explode.

Most of us know, well enough, that most women are more emotional than us, sensitive to what we say and do. That they would remember the words we say to them, from time to time, when they recollect or think of someone in particular.

We prefer that we do not speak what we truly feel inside of us......about you....... for the time being. Most (Some ?) of us know not the boundaries of what should be spoken and what shouldn't. So to play safe, we keep quiet (for the most part, or just stay casual or platonic). Some men would want to protect you from needless anxiety and wild running thoughts that would make a mess out of your head. (Or we just can't make their mind up to say what they really want to.)

Unfortunately, before we know it, the "bottle" begins to crack. Or the emotions inside of us, bends the "bottle" in painful shapes. Or the "bottle" manifests itself to become something hideous. All because we bottle it all up. How could no one ever run away from horrid sights such as this ?

We know that women have the advantage of being able to speak out their feelings more openly, to their friends, trusted company, they easily let it out, reducing this certain burden. At times, we envy them for this.

What are the things that plague/haunt us to bottle it all up ? Tune in to find out more......... about our inner turmoil, deep down inside of us in the next blog entry.