The Creedmoor Chronicles

Admou'r gets CO for 240 Quintillion Souls in a 2400 sq. ft. basement

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:51:00 +0000

BS"D

Update:

The Admou"r's construction company, Creedmoor Demolitions and Insurance Adjustment, has finally finished construction on the Ramat Beis Tznius complex outside Ramallah.

He has received a Certificate of Occupancy from the Palestinian Disarray and the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, allowing for the resettlement of 240 quintillion (240,000,000,000,000,000) people, 120 quintillion male and 120 quintillion female, in a 240 square meter (2400 square foot) basement space that is fully divided in the center by a steel mechitza with a barbed wire coating.

This can only mean one thing. The Admou"r and corrupt "Palestinian" officials are about to perpetrate gross fraud against the UNHCR, which is of course a gross fraud perpetrated by the Arabs against the world.

More to come soon.

Update: The Admou"r is Still Underground

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:36:00 +0000

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The Admou"r is still inspecting the underground women's passageways of his new "Ramat Beis Tznius" development in suburban Ramallah to make sure that the standard of tznius is indeed bullet-proof.

Since the Admou"r loves doing everything underground, we expect him back up after Shabbos so we can finally update our Chanike and Ramat Beis Tznius news.

Update: Ramas Beis Tznius

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 17:51:00 +0000

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The Admou"r is indeed building a fully tzniusdige community in Eretz Yisroel. However, he is building it in Dar Zbaly, a suburb of Ramallah, and not in Ramat Beit Shemesh as was originally feared! This is how he is laundering some of the proceeds from his Chanike Extravaganza, the details of which are finally forthcoming!

Features of the new "Ramas Beis Tznius" development include homes built with separate sides for men and boys and women and girls, special bridges and tunnels to avoid any mingling on the streets, rules against mixing men's garbage with women's as well as enforcing milchig and fleishig days for garbage disposal, and much, much more! How can you buy a unit in Ramas Beis Tznius? With food stamps or Iranian rials, of course! Venezuelan pesos accepted too, while Chavez lasts!

More on motzoei Shabbos (Eastern Nitel Nacht, nidche due to Shabbos). And yes, we will have an audio training lesson for wannabe kanoim within the next few days.

Creedmoor Smicha Certificates Confiscated from Dollar Stores

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 07:58:00 +0000

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"He no good Joo. No good Joo. Take all my Joo paper away!"

So cried Lim Bok Choy, an illegal alien from Fukien province in China who runs "Dreck for a Dollar," a dollar store in Kew Gardens Hills, Queens.

"No good rabbi say paper no good. He say you have to learn many year for that and I can't sell it. Other rabbi very nice man very big wearing orange vest he sign and tell me to sell even three for a dollar!"

The papers in question are rabbinical ordination certificates signed by the one and only Admou"r meCreedmoor. He has been supplying them to several dollar stores in Jewish areas throughout the tri-state area, limiting their distribution to non-Jewish and non-English speaking store owners.

This morning, volunteers from a shadowy organization called "Association for the Protection of the Integrity of Our Neighborhoods," confiscated several reams of these worthless certificates from stores throughout Brooklyn and Queens.

A spokesman for the association stated: "You can get certificates like this for yourself, your son, or your son-in-law by donating major money to a real yeshiva. We do not want the value of our certificates to be cheapened by these clear fakes that are issued by an impostor who has no connection to any known community or rabbinical organization."

Update: Admou"r is AWOL but will be back soon

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 21:37:00 +0000

BS"D

We believe that the Admou"r flew from the Brooklyn Bridge to Ramat Beit Shimush this evening in order to encourage his fellow self-appointed kanoim and to open his new ultra-kanoi, 1000% gender-segregated development "Biouv Patuach" tomorrow morning.

We will have the full account of the 12th Light of Chanike extravaganza this week, as well as a special audio from my colleague, Shmeel Paskudney, on how to be a real kanoi...................

Update: Chanike Report on Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:39:00 +0000

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We have just received word that the Admou"r was so impressed with the potential insurance proceeds from his Chanike extravaganza that he intends to light twelve candles on Sunday as he retells the story of his greatest insurance scam ever.

In addition, we are trying to confirm that the Admou"r did indeed endorse Ron Paul or whether he has actually been serving as Ron Paul's top secret foreign policy adviser during the recent weeks of campaigning.

Urgent Chanike Update from Creedmoor

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

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We have been informed that the revelers who somehow were diverted from a Chabad menorah lighting ceremony to the Creedmoor Chanike Extravaganza on Motzoei Shabbos are just returning now from what turned out to be a very entertaining luxury cruise.

All we are aware of at present is that the Admou"r will manage to receive a large insurance payment, and that his success was due to hiring Berish (Bozo) and Zerach (Zero) Wercberger, a pair of clowns, as well as "Shygetz Aross Bacsi," a Creedmoorer children's entertainer. Entertainment for the ladies' section on this mehadrin cruise was apparently provided by Behyme the Tzigane Queen, whose most benighted family hails from the superbly benighted ancestral village of the Admou"r, namely Szarkonosvary, Hungary.

We also understand that the Admou"r and his Creedmoor Cretin Crew ensnared an unwitting South African bochur and two French girls who inadvertently led others to believe that the cruise was a Chabad event. Finally, we have been informed that the Admou"r was able to hijack a luxury river boat by promising Green Cards to its crew of illegal aliens.

More later in the week, when we have full reports on the overnight luxury cruise and a full analysis of the damage done to the world's leading insurance firms.

Part 1 - The Grand Chanike Extravaganza

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:22:00 +0000

BS"D

The Admou"r knew he had only the slightest chance of blowing even a tiny hole in the Brooklyn Bridge with his planned Rabbeini Reiven Goldberg a/k/a Rube Goldberg nuclear pyrotechnics demonstration. He was not even surprised or disappointed that the bottle of "Ruhollah Islamic Super-Atomic Pistachio Scented Baby-Soft Plutonium Liquid" fuel concentrate brought to him by an Iranian U.N. envoy was adulterated.

Once he saw an invoice for "50% off" signed by "Mashiah Kamsanzadeh," he knew that the Mossad had its tentacles in the whole Bushehr operation, and therefore the fuel was obviously adulterated. Still, he paid the Iranian envoy his agreed price of $30,000, in unmarked three, five, seven, and nine food stamp notes as well as a couple of expired EBT cards.

The Admou"r set out to Downtown Brooklyn by way of Boro Park, where he knew he could raid a couple of wedding halls for unused alcohol gel fuel. He was trailed by a truck that included two rubber dinghies, three rubber duckies, seven styrofoam boards, and seven pickle barrels. He also had a large supply of homemade slivovitz (as an independent country, Creedmoor could operate all the distilleries it wanted, especially because the Admou"r had a habit of distilling vodka and gin from wood and other methanol-generating solids), and some kokosh cake laced with hashish. This was to be handed out to passersby who would certainly want to join his excursion to the columns under the Brooklyn Bridge rather than watch the same old boring Chabad menorah lighting that took place every year in downtown Brooklyn.

He also had a sign made with the following message: "K'hal Sinas Chinam d'Creedmoor Invites You to a Grand Menorah Lighting In Memory of the Zionist Entity and In Honor of the New President of North Korea, Kim Limp Duck." The sign would be hung from the Brooklyn Bridge, only because its creator could not be hanged from the Brooklyn Bridge.

Finally, the Admou"r would beat those Lubavitcher tzioinim at their own game. He would khap their audience straight out from under them and take a dozen or so unwitting young Jewish families who were expecting to watch a boring ceremony at the Brooklyn docks on a cruise up the river that they would never forget. They would always remember how much better his kokosh cake was than the stale donuts and dubious latkes that issued forth from Crown Heights to spread a light far weaker than that of Doovid'l Schmoigerman, about whom it was said "Your fire will burn until the last uninsured building in the world is no longer standing!"

(Grand finale tomorrow)

Prelude: The Great Chanike Extravaganza

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 15:48:00 +0000

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"Rabbi, somethin' don't look right here?" Sergeant James O'Malley of the Downtown Brooklyn branch of New York's Bravest told the FDNY Jewish Chaplain, who happened to be visiting the firehouse for Chanukah.

The rabbi could hardly contain his laughter. While Chabad-Lubavitch often requested fire permits for menorahs in the downtown area, their applications were submitted in a manner far more professional than this atrocity, which scrambled the letters of Lubavitch and added hyphens to suggest love for a female dog. Besides, the whole idea of "Chabad-Lubavitch of the Bridges and Tunnels," even if spelled properly, seemed quite absurd. The rest of the application was equally as absurd, as it was a permit to set off hazardous pyrotechnics under the Brooklyn Bridge in honor of the sixth night of Chanukah.

"Jim," the rabbi laughed, "that application is either a very sick prank or the work of some fanatics in Williamsburgh who want to discredit our friends at Chabad.....but really, this is the work of a certifiable EDP. The Willy crew is a bunch of meshuggeners, but this is really....," the rabbi's voice trailed off..."it has to be the work of a real crank..."

"Umm, Rabbi, this baby is pre-approved.........who has that kind of connections with the brass in New York? This is a disaster waiting to happen. He wants to screw concrete beams onto the bridge and burn barrels of kerosene under it or something like that."

The rabbi, who once led a congregation in Queens, said: "Whoever it is belongs in Creedmoor! This is either a prank or multiculturalism gone astray...can I see the application?"

One look at the seal on the application showed just where the applicant indeed not only belonged, but also resided: "Grand Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman of the Congregation of Unadulterated Baseless Hatred of the Independent Anti-Zionist Torah Republic of Creedmoor."

"Jim, this is a joke. File it away somewhere. If some nut from Creedmoor really wants to paddle out to the Brooklyn Bridge with a rowboat, towing a raft of concrete beams, he's not going to get too far!"

Meanwhile, in the D-ward Kever Komplex, deep in the bowels of the abandoned D-ward building that Dovid Schmoigerman called home, the fax machine whirred with confirmations of insurance policies, not only for a certain bridge that spans Brooklyn and Manhattan, but also for cancellation of a major public event due to force-majeure. All policies were payable by January 1, as they were guaranteed by the hard currency reserves of the Creedmoor republic, so the Admou"r did not even have to cash in any food-shtemplach at 60 cents on the dollar to get proof of coverage.

The Admou"r was getting ready for a real blast, and one way or the other, the insurance industry would be blasted to the point that only a bailout could rescue it.

Noch a por vetter fin nuch a naye sponsor

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:34:00 +0000

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As we prepare for the return of the Admou"r, we welcome a new sponsor to the Creedmoor Chronicles/Der Shygetz/Di Velt-Barimte Vochedige Pashvilke:

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Named in honor of our brave leader, who is in tzioinish captivity for her dedication to tznius and her warm, close relationship with her children, our tinfoil Burqa Covers ensure the absolute highest level of tznius by deflecting rays of tima from tzionish satellites as well as from Mars and Jupiter!

You are never alone when you walk even the most holy streets of Monsey and Monroe, for space aliens are watching you and looking for ways to penetrate your iron-clad tzniusdike klader. That's why you need a burqa-deckel from Beruriah's Burqa Covers. Our tinfoil covers block the transmission and reception of all extraterrestrial rays, and prevent space aliens from penetrating your tzniusdike burqelach even if they're sending signals out of transmitters located light-years away from Mea Shrotzim and Ramat Beit Shimush Beis. (Residents of Monsey are advised to wear two covers or our special Double Strength Deckel to prevent the CIA and the Tripartite Commission, as well as any characters involved with the tzioinish Airmont Shil, from using their top-secret radio frequencies to not only compromise your tznius but also to extract your innermost thoughts and turn them into looshen horo.)

Our burqa decklach are made from 100% certified non-Zionist Malaysian, Indonesian or Saudi tinfoil. We have ultra-mehadrin Iranian and Afghan tinfoil available for custom-made covers upon request. We also have insulated decklach with aluminum foil facing and fiberglass stuffing so you can take advantage of the sun's rays to cure your half-baked condition. You can even place a kigel between your deckel and your birqa hood and cook it in a half hour while sitting outside, all the while knowing that you can safely spend a half an hour outside without worrying about space aliens penetrating your burqa.

The hyliger dayanim of the Arba Misois Beis Din/Machon leKrisois veMisois of Creedmoor have paskened that even a hyliger Pas Yisrooel who wears a tinfoil burqa of less than three layers of thickness must also wear a cover over her head.

All covers come in an attractive conical shape, so you can show the world you really are committed to tznius and to making sure that even extra-terrestrial enemies of our modest ways of life cannot disturb your dedication to the highest level of modesty.

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If you purchase more than one burqa deckel before the end of the Islamic year, we will give you a free electronic male repellent device, which emits a bloodcurdling scream and a rotten egg scent as soon as any male of three years of age or older comes within your dalet amois.

The Greatest Chanike Extravaganza: Prelude: The Magic Fuel from Iran

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:58:00 +0000

BS"D

Koskesh Sabourjian, a distant relative of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was possessed with a conscience much unlike that of his dear leader, painstakingly wrote out the directions for mixing the missile fuel that he was preparing to send to a certain Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman in Creedmoor.

The nuclear research scientist had no idea why a mental patient would order missile fuel, but he knew full well of its dangerous potential. He also thought he understood mental patients, as his inbred family tree was, to put it mildly, chock full o'nuts, especially as it approached the top of the leadership pyramid of the Dry Roasted Islamic Pistachio Shell Republic of Iran. Therefore, the instructions that he wrote out in Farsi, for translation into Yiddish by that most un-Islamic invention known as Google Translate, consisted of:

Mix three cups of Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate with one half-gallon of milk and two cups of common laundry bleach. Add to one barrel of water, and set the mixture alight only after the barrel has been secured to a concrete base...

which in the Google dialect of Yiddish reads as follows:

פאַרמישן דרייַ טעפּלעך פון רויאַל רוכאַלאַ יסלאַמיק אַטאָמיק פועל קאָנסענטראַטע מיט איין העלפט-גאלאן פון מילך און צוויי טעפּלעך פון פּראָסט וועש בליאַקירן. לייג צו איינער פאַס פון וואַסער, און שטעלן דעם געמיש לענדן בלויז נאָך דעם פאַס האט שוין סקרוד צו אַ קאָנקרעט געמיין ...

Surprisingly, his Jewish colleague, a Mossad agent of pure Parsi extraction named Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh (whose surname made it clear that extraction of so much as one penny from him could be a difficult task), could make out one word of Yiddish, namely סקרוד

This word, which is probably missing a yud somewhere if it even is a Yiddish word, is indeed pronounced phonetically. In Creedmoor it is also spelled phonetically, as "scrooed." Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh looked forward to writing that word, in any language, on the plans for the Bushehr nuclear plant, but for now, he could not help but wonder what it was doing on a set of instructions for fuel.

"Moshiko, you know we're shipping this to a crazy man!"

This was something Kamtzanzadeh just had to report to his superiors in the Zionist entity.

"A crazy man? You are calling our supreme leaders crazy? You want to hang? I can arrange that, for half-price of course. Actually, you're such a scrawny little guy, I can arrange it for 75% off, special for the unIslamic holidays, because I can use cheapo Yahoodi rope that my uncle sells to dumb goat farmers in the hills to keep their goats from running off when they..."

"No, this is going to a crazy house in the Great Satanic territory. Look at the bill of lading! Creedmoor Psychiatric Center, D-ward, Rabbi David Schmoigerman, he's an infidel like you and I guess that is why he is in the crazy house!"

Kamtzanzadeh memorized the bill of lading for subsequent transmission to Mossad headquarters, but he hardly worried, as he knew anyone who tried to use Royal Ruhollah Islamic Atomic Fuel Concentrate would indeed be סקרוד over quite royally.

After all, he himself had sabotaged the manufacturing lines, and its chemical composition was far closer to that of rancid salad dressing than to any sort of fuel or incendiary compound. Sabourjian hardly had to compose any directions that would lead to its neutralization, as the fuel was about as inflammable as a glass of what it was - namely rancid apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil thrown in before it was emulsified with an egg-based compound that Kamtzanzadeh stole from his sister, a cosmetician and hair stylist, on his last visit home. The olive oil came from his uncle's falafel shop, and it was used as many times as possible before it was thrown out and relegated to use in sabotaging fuel back in the family's benighted homeland.

Of course, Kamtzanzadeh had a budget that covered any chemicals he needed, but he was Parsi to the core, and he gave the money he saved to his brother so that the two of them could open a discount shoe store near the Tel Aviv central bus station upon his upcoming retirement from the Mossad. Once his bosses found out how he sabotaged the fuel, he'd be able to collect his pension, borrow some stock from a few wholesalers, print 50% off signs the day after he opened, and in a few months, he'd even have enough to open a second store featuring a 75% off sale three days after it opened. Never mind that he was a chemical engineer with a master's degree from the Technion; Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh was born in Khoramshar, Iran - and that meant he was born to sell shoes for 50-75% off.

He even had a name for his store all picked out. Scarpe di Ponzi.

However, Mashiah Kamtzanzadeh had no idea that the customer for this shipment of סקרוד nuclear fuel was a man who made far more money than he could ever dream of with international-level scams that would put his rather timeworn sham discount shoe shop idea to shame very quickly.

The Admou"r Returns on Sunday for a Public Chanike Extravaganza

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:35:00 +0000

BS"D

The Admou"r is so desperate for the funds he needs to create another few hundred quintillion personalities that he will awaken from his deep disability insurance-mandated sleep to host a Chanike Extravaganza, a public menorah lighting of a sort that will put the tzioinim at Chabad to shame........and that even Solomon Dwrek and Bernie Madoff will praise for the sheer scale of its depravity.

Yes, Creedmoor is back with a bang.......or is it a series of seismic booms....as the Admou"r prepares for his public menorah lighting in a venue that no one possibly dreamed the Admou"r ever owned, even if he did produce enough documents of sale that the insurance companies issued him a few thousand sheets of policies to cover its imminent and ultimate destruction at the hands of a rather artfully designed menorah that burns rocket fuel made specially for it by the chemists who are now busy preparing missile fuel for the launch of the Iranian nuclear research satellite program.

Star Wars meets Creedmoor on Sunday, as the Admou"r hatches a plan to celebrate the tzioinish holiday of Chanike in special style, especially because it coincides with nitel, a custom that he and his Chassidim are makpid on every day of the year.

Will the earth survive the Admou"r's stellar display of Chanike pyrotechnics? The question is - will Lloyd's of London survive the Admou"r's next ream of insurance claims without a bailout from the Saudi royal family, the Chinese development bank, and George Tzuris?

The Admou"r is still in mourning

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:53:00 +0000

BS"D

While the Admou"r did appear this past Shabbos to receive an aliya to the Koran and utter mi-sheberach for his friend Hugo Chavez, he was wearing sak ve'efer and clearly did not want to be disturbed any more than he is already mentally disturbed. He usually rests peacefully in the recesses of his kever, where he trades food stamp futures and old Libyan government bonds with a group of investors in Lagos, Nigeria.

A check of the Apple 2 in his office shows that he has successfully generated only 100,000 new personalities. He has apparently outsourced the rest of the work to India, and his Indian subcontractor is waiting for payment before he can proceed.

We will inform you of any new developments in the Admour's condition.

Until then, shygetz aross!

Admou"r Mourns Ghadaffy

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 20:25:00 +0000

BS"D The Admou"r meCreedmoor is part of a delegation of mentally decomposed world leaders who are honoring the late and much unlamented Muammar el-Ghadaffy by standing guard at Misrata Misery Mart, the supermarket where Ghadaffy's body is now on display.

The Admou"r departed from Teheran on the Zionist holiday of Shmini Atzeres (not to be confused with the Assembly of Section 8 Vouchers) and landed in Misrata, Libya a few hours later. He was invited to place a kashrus seal on the corpse, enabling its sale to pet owners who need to euthanize unruly animals.

It is expected that the Admou"r will return to Creedmoor within the month, after the end of the Islamic mourning period and with Ghadaffy's freeze-dried ears in tow for re-burial in the Creedmoorer beis almin.

The burial will cement the Admou"r's most coveted "incurable lunatic" status for the next year, which will enable all three hundred quintillion of his multiple personalities to be certified or recertified after their tragic deaths at the hands of Hurricane Irene and several suborned insurance adjustors.

All 150 Quintillion Souls Lost During Irene!

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 10:14:00 +0000

BS"D We recently received confirmation that the 150 quintillion souls who resided nowhere else but on the Admou"r's computer server were all lost when said server became waterlogged during Tropical Storm Irene. Life insurance adjusters are debating which policies need to be paid, and it is expected that the Obama administration, the EU and the Saudis will bail out any firms that do have to pay out as a result of the complete annihilation of the Creedmoorer community.

The Admou"r is resting, or resisting arrest, in Iran while his Chassidim and insurance adjusters assess the damage and work around the clock to buy him a new server that will generate 150 quintillion or more names by Chol Hamoied Sukkos (which the Admou"r does observe because of his "Mivtza Sukkos, Suckas" ten-day insurance policy scam in which many a chandeliered sukkah meets a fiery end the day after Simchas Torah). The Admou"r is reportedly also undergoing treatment for Dutch Elm Disease, which he contracted due to the dampness caused by the hurricane, at the Khomeini Memorial Arboretum - in other words, the Admou"r is out of his tree even by Creedmoor standards.

Until then, we cannot provide any updates. We have, however, discovered clear evidence linking a rather infamous, formerly quite corpulent, self-appointed civil rights leader to the De Menubal ancestors of the Admou"r. We hope to present that information right after the Tzioini New Year. Rabbi Dr Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher-Dreckschraber Editor-in-Thief "Der Shygetz" and "Di Velt-Barimte Pashkvilke"

Creedmoor Has Been Swept Away by Irene

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 14:55:00 +0000

BS"D Yes, as could be expected, the entire D-ward of Creedmoor, including all of the moisdos that the Admou"r registered for government funding, have been swept away by Tropical Storm Irene. Needless to say, a team of adjusters is now sifting through the rubble to determine how much insurance can be paid out to the survivors of the 100 quintillion men, women and children who mysteriously disappeared when flood waters reached about the height of the Admour's elevator shoes. Several insurers have been hit so hard by the literal tidal wave of Creedmoor claims that they are expected to go bankrupt unless the US, EU, Saudi Arabia and Iran bail them out by paying off these claims. The Admou"r himself has disappeared along with his longtime supporter Muammar "Laffy" Khadaffy, with whom he was staying in Libya for Shabbos after he fled Creedmoor in advance of the torrential floods and fierce winds that were expected this weekend. We will post more information as soon as enough mikvehs in Rockland and Kings County reopen so that we can obtain more accurate news and inciteful opinions regarding what may be a complete collapse of the entire Creedmoorer Chassidic infrastructure as well as a threat to the entire world economy.

A pohr vetter fin nuch a sponser...

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 01:18:00 +0000

BS"D

We have so many updates coming that I had to get a sponsor - and we thank "Mach-Deer-A-Rebbe Enterprises" for their generous support!
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How much do you think such a package is worth? If you say $2000, you are not even close. It is worth millions of tax-free dollars! But we'll sell it to you in 12 easy installments of $120 each, and we'll even daven for you at the kever of the first Geshtorbener Rebbe in Shtorberg, on the border between Poland and Norway!

Get it now before there are no more towns in Europe left for you to claim and we end up having to substitute a post office box in Morocco!

More News Briefs

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 09:37:00 +0000

BS"D

We have just learned the following:

1) Due to the vast numbers of Creedmoorer children who are registered as disabled every year, the WHO has granted the Independent Republic of Creedmoor funds to build a new maternity ward. Needless to say, Creedmoorer children are spontaneously generated by a computer program, so at present we await more news as to how the Admou"r intends to abuse this grant.

2) The Admou"r has received Superfund cleanup subsidies after proving that Creedmoor is full of toxic waste. Scientists might disagree with the method he used to prove that there is radioactive and chemical waste in his beloved D-ward. However, Schmoigerman's guarantee of more votes than the population of the US trumps all scientific knowledge in the bizarre world of Obamamerica.

Giant update coming after 9 Av.

Creedmoor in Negotiations to Purchase American Debt

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 20:21:00 +0000

BS"D

Newsflash:

The Admou"r meCreedmoor is said to be in secret talks with his fellow fifth column, Barack Hussein Obama, regarding purchase of the entire debt of the United States.

The Admou"r, who is the second largest issuer of unbacked currency in the world after the United States Government, has offered to print enough bills to assume the entire sovereign debt of the United States.

Obama is now mulling whether to accept a quick Schmoigerman takeover of the US economy or to continue his present policy of slowly allowing China and the Gulf oil dictatorships to purchase the US and diminish its sovereignty over a longer period of time.

Schmoigerman has stated that he would happily install Obama as President-for-Life of the new "Creedmooramerica" so long as he retains full financial control of the new entity. Negotiations are now centering on whether Obama is willing to accept changing the name of the US currency to "der Foodshtemp."

The Admou"r is presently mourning the untimely but nevertheless overdue death of his shaliach to the Zionist entity, Francois Aboutboul of Netanya, and it is unknown when talks with Obama will resume.

The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 09:36:00 +0000

BS"D

The Amazing Growth of Creedmoor.

1953: 5795 patients crowded into a hospital built for 4142.

Today: D-ward alone: 150,000,000,000,000,405,981 patients show on Federal entitlement program rolls. Yet, the ward is vacant except for one known part-time resident whose surname of Schmoigerman seems a bit contrived.

The wonders of modern science....or the deepest depths of fraud?

Admou"r Arrested for Harebrained Fish Scheme; To Serve Four Weeks of House Arrest

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 22:44:00 +0000

BS"D

Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, a controversial Grand Rabbi, was arrested and pleaded guilty to one count of "petty and ridiculous fraud in the first degree" after he was observed returning fish heads to a pet store from which he purchased three hundred goldfish in order to make "gefilte fish."

Petco personnel said that Schmoigerman, whose passport states he was born in 1955 in Szarkonosvary, Hungary but who has several birth certificates from Hawaii as well as Kenya, had purchased the entire stock of goldfish from their Jamaica, Queens branch for what he claimed was an aquarium display in his "Bnei Bisha veCherpa" boys' school. The Grand Rabbi paid with an American Express card in the name of Elvis Presley, and showed identification proving that that was indeed his name.

Nevertheless, the Admou"r returned 45 minutes later with 300 decapitated fish and claimed that he was entitled to a full refund as the fish did not survive one week as per the store's guarantee. The store manager called police, who carted Schmoigerman off to the precinct house where he received an expedited desk appearance ticket.

While Schmoigerman claims to be the head of an independent country, he needed to be reminded of the difference between Jamaica, Queens, which is part of the US, and not a party to his scam of a treaty in which he declared independence, and Jamaica, an island nation in the West Indies that recognizes his country as a prerequisite for receiving UN aid under the "Aid to Phantom Nations Which Support Anti-Zionist Entities" program.

Therefore, rather than risking prosecution for over 150 quintillion counts of gross fraud, Schmoigerman was summarily sentenced to 4 weeks of house arrest during which he must wear a 24 karat gold Cartier ankle bracelet.

In other words, due to present events in the community, Creedmoor will begin its three weeks hiatus early. We will return with the two promised updates after 9 Av.

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 17:11:00 +0000

BS"D

Levi Aron should have been put in Creedmoor a long time ago. Not the Admou"r's fictitious Creedmoor, but the Creedmoor that should never have been reduced in size.

Technical Difficulties

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 08:01:00 +0000

BS"D

Updates will be posted regarding the camp and the MediCARe scam by next Sunday.

Double Header Tomorrow: Breaking News of New Medicare Scam

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 12:45:00 +0000

BS"D

As we await the release of the application form for Kemp Chutz laMachane, we have been informed that the Admou"r has been operating a chain of auto repair and collison (or is it collusion) shops that have been billing Medicare and Medicaid, as well as Family Health Plus, for auto repair jobs.

All we know at present is that the Admou"r somehow obtained insurance billing codes from suborned Medicare and Medicaid employees, and that he somehow adapted the codes to automotive parts and procedures. Two of the Federal employees involved in the Medicare scheme have such unusual names, even for Affirmative Action hires, that we are contacting the parties present at their wrongful and unfortunate birth to find out why they carry such originally embarrassing and ethnically diverse names.

More tomorrow as we uncover the mystery of the "Rechev Yisroel" chain of car repair shops and how they manage to turn cars into people for billing purposes.

Shifcha Magazine: A New Women's Magazine

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 08:07:00 +0000

BS"D

N'shei Creedmoor-East under the direction of Rebbetzin Izevel-Tzoiah-Yachne Schmoigerman is proud to launch the first issue of Shifcha Magazine - the new magazine for the new Jewish woman.

Articles include:

"Supporting Your Husband in Federal Koilel - Don't Leave it All to Fetter Shmeel!"

"Raising Children who were Thrown in Washing Machines as Babies" - special interview with Rebbetzin Dwek, mother of Solomon Dwrek, and Mrs. Weiss, mother of Yisroel Dovid Weiss.

"The Beauty of a Burqa and the Comfort of a Chador - The New Beged Isha from Farkokta Fashions."

"Making the Most of Your Federal Entitlement Benefits."

"Recipe Corner: Using a Suspicious Fire to Grill Meats and Poultry."

"Teaching Your Sons What to Look For When They're on Mishmeres haTznius Duty."

"Raising the Ultimate Menivel or Cholere"

"Eshes Chayil of the Month: Casey Anthony"

"Beauty Secrets from Helen Thomas and Hanan Ashrawi"

"Teaching Your Children to Enjoy and Participate In Machloikes."

"A Summer Wildlife Safari to Circle Square and New Joel."

The magazine is available at:

Byle's Burqas - Ramat Beit Shimush and Jewland Branches

Federal Koilel Store - Williamsburgh, Double Park and Jewland

Schnorred Shaitlach - Otisville

Byse Esav d'Creedmoor

and from your local mosque or al-Qaeda front operation.

Price: 3 EBT units or 5 foodshtempelach