The Creedmoor Chronicles

Der Admou"r's Resolutions for the New Welfare Year

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:47:00 +0000

BS"D

At his end of the welfare year tish delivered from an undisclosed location, the Admou"r shared his New Welfare Year Resolutions with the world.

The most shocking and daring is his plan to create 2010 new Rebbetzins this coming welfare year, along with 100,000 new children. While of course the former seems unfeasible and the latter is hopefully biologically impossible, when it comes to forging documents the Admou"r is said to be the top intergalactic expert.

At present, the Admou"r is researching the names of various rare diseases and disabilities so that he can get the most out of every one of his new children. It is expected that three new employees will be added to the Social Security Administration to handle the Admou"r's upcoming SSI applications.

His rebbetzins are clearly both diseased and disabled to begin with or they would not want to marry the Admou"r.

Newsflash: Schmoigerman Space Shuttle Detained at Jupiter Spaceport

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 10:15:00 +0000

BS"D

Newsflash: The Schmoigerman Space Shuttle, the convoluted contraption which the Admou'r meCreedmoor uses to travel from Creedmoor to Pluto and back, has been detained at the Bobby Fischer Memorial Spaceport on Jupiter.

We are unaware as to whether this is a positive or negative development. We have reason to believe that aliens on Jupiter have asked Rabbi Schmoigerman to establish a Beis Chaval on Jupiter so that they, too, can obtain welfare, section 8, disability and UN refugee aid. Alternately, it is possible that the Schmoigerman spaceship is staging a crash on Jupiter for insurance purposes.

However, an interesting development has taken place in that long time Schmoigerman psychiatrist Dr Nanebakri Ramabudhu Patel claims that neither Rabbi Dovid nor Rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne Schmoigerman has left Creedmoor within the past month and that there was in fact a menorah lighting ceremony inside a former administration building with a leaky gas tap and defective electrical wiring.

Attempts to contact Hymie the Hymishe Fire Adjuster are proving futile, and we do not dare contact Axa, Aviva, Allstate, AIG, Allianz, Fireman's Fund, Generali, USAA or any similar Zionist organization as we do not want to jeopardize the Admour's avoida kedeisha and source of honest parnosso.

What is the real story? Enquiring multiple personalities want to know...stay tuned!

It is Official - Schmoigerman Refugee Resettlement Plan Approved!

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 22:10:00 +0000

BS"D

Breaking noise:

The United Nations Special Committee for the Condemnation and Hopeful Obliteration of the Zionist Entity, led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and His Utmost Insanity Muammar el-Qadhafy have met in a special session to approve the "Schmoigerman Plan for the Creation and Support of Perpetual Microscopic Refugees from Zionism on the Pluto Formerly Known as a Planet.

Details coming tomorrow. All that is known at present is that this project represents the largest fraud committed to date by the Admou"r meCreedmoor and involves a budget of eleven trillion dollars for the resettlement of all microorganisms affected by the Chanike flammen on Pluto.

Schmoigerman: Our EJF is Eternal Justification of Fraud and has no connection with Monsey

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 11:30:00 +0000

BS"D

"We regret to inform our dearest fans and detractors that for once there was a major scandal affecting the frume velt that our Grand Rebbe, Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, was not involved in; to dimwit: the Eternal Jewish Family scandal. We do not have any knowledge of this organization or any connection with it. Our organization which shares initials with it was conceived for a totally different purpose and we have never had any connection with the Monsey organization that presently sullies these initials in a more open way than we do.

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has never endorsed any organization that includes "family" in its name except when it provides taxpayer funded aid to impoverished families who are also members of the Creedmoorer chassidus.

In addition, the Admou"r has wished nothing to do with any conversions to Judaism, legitimate or otherwise, as he prefers to fill his phantom buildings with Spanish speaking phantom section 8 tenants who do not demand repairs. While at the beginning of his career he did operate an electronics storefront that advertised conversions for $9.99, most of these were from VHS to DVD format with the occasional 110 to 220 volt conversion done for $29.95.

As the nature of both the films and appliances was not appropriate for a Rebbe of our beloved Admou"r's status, he highly regrets having become involved in this rather petty business and has done full tshive by dedicating his life to the destruction of the tima of tzioinis through bringing about the financial ruin of the Zionist Occupation Forces of the Great Satan of Americhke.

The Admou"r does indeed have an organization known as EJF, but the initials of the Admou"r's EJF stand for "Eternal Justification of Fraud" and it operates a koilel which fabricates and propagates various interpretations of hitherto unknown fragments and out of context quotes from Choshen Mishpat which permit and indeed praise the defrauding of welfare agencies and insurance companies so long as it is done for the purpose of fighting the infernal curse of our generation which is known as tzioinus.

However, this EJF has no connection whatsoever with the "Eternal Jewish Family" organization that is now receiving adverse and perverse press coverage, and the Admou"r has no comment regarding this affair as he is too busy with affairs of his own that involve several single mothers who seem to exist only on the welfare rolls of all fifty states, as well as Her Majesty's Dole in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland."

Postscript: The Admou"r is not considering Leib Tropper as a candidate for Man of the Year and has indeed bestowed the coveted honor upon Solomon Dwek as planned. Mr Dwek was presented with a soiled bedsheet and a note from the Admou"r to "hang yourself with it in the can" by express courier from Pluto last night as the Admou"r was fiering his Nitel Nacht tush.

Usher Berkowitz Message is a Hoax...

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 18:10:00 +0000

BS"D

..and whoever started it, basically by just adding a Yiddishe yingel's name to an existing hoax, belongs in the real Creedmoor. There are far more interesting and creative things to do on a cold winter day than playing pranks at the expense of people's feelings.

As for our beloved D-ward, Alcatraz and Pluto Creedmoor, tomorrow is the 25th which means that on Sunday we will have the final roundup of the Creedmoor 12 days of Chanike.

We are aware at this time that the UNHCR has indeed agreed in principle to add the refugees created by the recent Creedmoorian invasion of Pluto to its purview. We are also aware that none other than the party responsible for said invasion, namely Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman, has been appointed the director of the Pluto bureau of the UNHCR.

The principle behind this appointment is of course the same UN high moral principle that allows the Arabs to administer the Balestinian UNHCR and for Hamas and Fatah alike to run terror and theft rings through its camps.

But even Suha Arafat's Parisian accounts will be nothing if indeed the Admou"r is to receive funds for the resettlement of infinite numbers of microscopic organisms....

We also hope to have a comment from the Admou"r regarding his plans to scale up his healthcare fraud initiatives now that the Obamacare Lite health care bill has been passed...

We have not forgotten - but don't forget that Creedmoorer Chanike ends on the 25th!

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:03:00 +0000

BS"D

We have by no means forgotten to report on the continuing Chanike festivities, including and especially the grand fires which are causing a colossal, in fact an infinite, refugee problem on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

At this time, we only know that the UNHCR is debating whether to add the quintillions of microorganisms which are being displaced by the arson fires on Pluto to its purview, given that they are every bit as legitimate as the "Palestinian" refugees whose refugee status is so conveniently perpetuated by that august, September and October organization. It is indeed likely that a grant of trillions of EURO to "The Schmoigerman Fund for Assistance to Anti-Zionist Microscopic Plutonian Refugees" will be approved and when it is we will be the first to report it.

However, please remember that Creedmoor does NOT celebrate Tzioini Chanike, but rather its own Festival of Insurance-Flammen, which commemorates the burning of a dozen heavily insured Brooklyn warehouses by the Schmoigerman Makabee tznius patrol just at the time the warehouses increased in value due to regentrification of Brooklyn. As the burning began on December 13, 1998 and the last insurance report was filled out on December 25, 1998 Creedmoor celebrates Chanike for 13 days, from 12 December to 25 December.

On the last day of Chanike, it is customary to burn an effigy of "Boguslav the Bogus", a Vulgarian immigrant janitor who nearly turned state's evidence by submitting to a police investigation when dead drunk on radiator coolant, floor polish and generic Robitussin and therefore rambling on and on about "a real Jewish rabbi in a tin foil hat" when asked who burned down the warehouse where he had worked. This custom usually brings about the fiery demise of several vacant apartment blocks from Antwerp to Zimbabwe and is always an exciting and joyous scene to behold unless you have the misfortune of having underwritten a Schmoigerman related insurance policy. The burning is celebrated by the consumption of much cannabis spiked fruitcake by the many phantom fruitcakes who actually celebrate this festival in Creedmoor, Alcatraz and Pluto.

So, keep on the lookout for more Chanike news as December 25 approaches and the EU printing presses churn out more EUROs for the struggle against world Zionism....

Important New Cherem from der Admou"r

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:23:00 +0000

BS"D

In a rare moment of lucidity, the Admou"r has realized that cherem is oisios and therefore gematriah ramach, or 248, which is the number of positive mitzvois (mitzvois aseh) in the tzioinish Torah.

Therefore, the Admou"r has proclaimed a stringent and binding cherem upon anyone who performs any single one of the 248 mitzvois aseh in the tzioinish Torah.

He will soon be issuing his very own "Alternative Torah," which he will reveal to whoever has the zechus to be with him where he reveals himself every morning, namely the Grand Mikveh of Pluto.

We will also soon be issuing more of the ongoing story of the Chanike sryfois on Pluto and the ongoing efforts of the Admou'r to obtain UN funding to resettle all the microorganisms of Pluto which have now become refugees due to the severe fires and resulting adverse weather conditions on the Pluto formerly known as a planet.

"Pluto is Burning" - Part 2 of the Festival of Insurance Flammen Series

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 15:51:00 +0000

BS"D

"Arson committed against property of insured by individual deemed insane and intoxicated due to inhalation of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide poisoned atmosphere caused by improper ignition of religious lights in non-conducive atmosphere..."

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft, known as Hymie the Hymish Fire Adjuster, could not believe his eyes. Even in Creedmoor terms, this was a clear confession of arson by the Admou"r himself.

"You are meanink you are wantink to tell all fin der insurance companies det first of all you are der owner fin Pluto, end det also you burned it end vent crazy fin der sryfe so you burnt it?"

"Hymie, di schvantz, di idiot! You want your tzvantzig protzent oder nisht? You are not gettink mine drift? I am nisht der owner fin Pluto! It iz owned by "Khal Sinos Chinom d' Pluto Vus Iz Geven A Mol A Planet!" The chief offitzer fin die kompanye iz my Rebbetzin of East Coast Izevel Tzoiah Yachne and you iz der treasurer! So, if you are adjustink det it iz conspiresy end unlezss you iz also wantink to live in Creedmoor end pretend your tzi dryt di ken zitzen in Federal Koilel far'n der gantze leben!

I am wantink you should bring dis to the UN and dat dey should issue to me gelt to clean up der envirenment fin Pluto! Der insurance den iz also covered by the UN. You know, like all der Pelestinian refugees vuz is gettink money fin der UN to blow up tzioinim? So we iz now ochet refugeez end we iz gettink gelt to burn der plenet end den clean it up, like der Araber mach der refugeez problem end dey iz gettink more money to make more refugees! End since der arson iz geven a religious lightink, it iz multiculturalizm end perfectly fine with der UN, you know like when some yikel in Sudan gives his tochter a bris!"

Chaim Arichim Gezelgescheft managed to call the Deputy to the Deputy Secretary of the Banned Ki Moon himself...(more coming tomorrow)

The Admou"r Needs Your Help - Man of the Non-Zionist Year 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:06:00 +0000

BS"D

The Admou"r meCreedmoor needs your help in picking the Man of the Non Zionist Year for 2009. In past years, this title has gone by default to a gentleman in Vienna who has since done tshive. Therefore, a new candidate must be found based on the following criteria:

1) Chilul Hashem berabim

2) Utter disregard for both halacha and civil law

3) Utter lack of Ahavas Yisroel

4) A willingness to do anything for money.

5) Bearing a surname that is very easy to mock

6) Of unpleasant physical appearance to boot

The choices are between:

1) Solomon Dwek
2) Solomon Dwek
3) Solomon Dwek
4) Solomon Dwek
5) Solomon Dwek

Please vote for one choice and if you really want, please explain your vote. Whoever gets the most votes will win three Creedmoorer tin foil shtreimlach and a "Creedmoorer Passport" a/k/a a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card which he can present to his warden in exchange for 90 days in solitary peeling potatoes for 20 hours a day!

Thank you,

The Vaad haMesader

Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto Last Night..The Former Planet Is In Flames!

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 13:03:00 +0000

BS"D

The hyliger Creedmoorer Stargazer, a long term inmate at Creedmoor C-ward who is considered a Chossid of the Admou"r's for insurance and disability purposes, could not believe what he saw as his mind became more scrambled than usual from the rapid and rabid signals he was receiving using his trusty vintage 1968 tin foil hat.

Next to him stood his trusty psychiatrist, Dr Ramachandran Krishnabakri Patel, who frantically tried to send signals to Pluto using his vintage 2009 Blackberry, registered to the "Creedmoorer Chassidic Hindu Friendship Society" and paid for with his part of the proceeds of several disability scams. The doctor's question was quite simple: "My wife burned the vindaloo again and what is more she add phenyle to the lassa and I throw up bad. Can I divorce please from her?"

Finally, the Admou"r replied: "The former planet is in flames and you ask me about vindaloo and lassa? No, don't divorce her you stupid cow worshipper! Send her to Mrs Fygie Shah's Kosher Indian Cooking School in Gujarat on my private jet and let her learn to cook there for three months. When she's there she can take care of some paperwork for us..."

Of course, the Admou"r does not operate a kosher cooking school in Gujarat, but he had been searching for a shill to be able to pull off a series of humanitarian aid and dwelling renewal scams in earthquake prone Gujarat, and his Indian chossid's cow of a wife certainly fit the bill just as she fit her triple plus size extra large tinfoil sari which she wore when she applied for disability and turned over 80% to her guru, none other than Pandit David Schmoigerman.

As for the stargazer, what he was seeing and hearing was the result of the Tikkun Leil Chanike on Pluto, in which a tikkun was performed to make up for the fact that the Chashmonoim actually had enough oil to last eight days, but did not use it to set even a single insured property alight!

That was more than compensated for using a string of very opaque transactions, in which the entirety of Boro Park, Williamsburgh, Monsey, Monroe and Deseret, Utah, were insured to the Admou"r but somehow located on the former Pluto known as a planet. And the proceeds were amazing; after all an entire former planet insured with countless private and public insurers would be enough to satiate the greed of 151 quintillion Creedmoorers for generations....
(more coming soon)..

Get Ready for a Burning Hot Creedmoorer Chanike!

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:29:00 +0000

BS"D

The Admou"r may be on freezing Pluto right now, but he has confirmed that he WILL be back in Creedmoor for Chanike!

Oy Chanike oy Chanike
A yontif a shayne
Nem der tzionisten
In knak'em in der bayne

A box of 44 candles. A few trillion dollars' worth of insured property in Brooklyn and the Bronx. A barrel of crude oil courtesy of Hugo Chavez and two more courtesy of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Let the festivities begin! On Sunday we will be back to present the first and second nights of Chanike in Creedmoor.

Sponsored as always by AIG, AXA, State Farm, Allstate, Generali, USAA and of course Fireman's Fund....

Schmoigerman Winds Up Another 419'er - requests soup recipe from Chang Wantan

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:51:00 +0000

BS"D

If this yukel falls for this one then he is the dumbest accumulation of cells that has inhabited the earth since the extinction of the dodo bird!

LS"D

Dear Mr Wantan:

I would be very delighted to assist you with every form of moral, financial and athletic support necessary for the mutual success of our transaction. I am a graduate of the Madoff Institute of Financial Defalcations and as such am one of the few licenced financial defalcators who is able to assist you in this most defalcatory and unsavoury transaction.

However, since it is clear to me that you are of the famous Wantan family which has bestowed its gift of Wantan soup to the world, and particularly to Chinese restaurants, I would appreciate your sending me, post haste, your paternal grandmother's recipe for same.

Sincerely,

Grand Rabbi Pandit Guru Dawood Singh Azazel Schmoigerman
Sing Sing Chinese Food Importers
Ossining, New York

-----Original Message-----
From: Chang Wantan [mailto:inpexcorporation@gmail.com]
Sent: Monday, November 23, 2009 3:40 AM
Subject: Legal Representative Postion

Dear Sir/Madam,

It is a pleasure to write to you in respect of our company, TEIKOKU OIL &
GAS CO., LTD(INPEX CORPORATION). We are experts in the sales of raw materials.
We export into the Canada/America/parts of Europe. We are searching for representatives
who can help us establish a medium of getting our funds from our costumers

Update. Even 419 scammer stupidity has its limits. Mr Chang Wantan did not reply and of course at least one E-mail address of his bounced. Oh, well.

Finally: The source of the concept "Pay Tzaddik"

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:14:00 +0000

BS"D

In between krechtzen and eating the famous Creedmoorer cholent on Pluto (hint hint: it is usually sold in Korea and China), the Admou"r finally explained the concept of "Pay Tzaddik" as follows:

"In earlier generations before tzioinis, before Avrohom Avini came along and separated us from the worship of wood and stone, only thirty six tzaddikim were necessary to support the entire world. Today, we need twice that number, which is seventy-two. However, nothing is more hylig today than Section 8, which when added to seventy-two, equals eighty, gematriya pay. So to be among the pay tzaddikim, the eighty tzaddikim who are so holy no one else recognizes their holiness, one must proclaim that he is a tzaddik, and receive seventy-two section 8 vouchers."

The Admou"r then krechtzed 80 times, filling the Beis Medrash Toire veSkila dePluto with a smell that put the smell of the fires of Sdoim to shame.

The Yichis Breef Returns - El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:43:00 +0000

BS"D

The eldest son of Don Hayim Vital, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, brought the reputation of the de Menubal family to new lows with a whole host of schemes and scams which took advantage of the least fortunate of the population of the entire Spanish Empire.

Indeed, his infamous "Flores de Toracina" scam was known as far afield as what is now Tangier, Morocco and was then part of Spanish Andalucia.

First of all, El Rey Samuel Gronem was the first Jew in the Spanish empire to take on a non-Jewish and non-Arabic name. Somewhere, he had heard the name Geronimo, and decided that he would have a better chance of having his new medical discovery accepted if he added this name to his own, because at the time it was an unusual name. However, in Jewish pronunciation, it was truncated to Gronem (note: this is NOT a correct etymology for the name Shmuel Groinem and applies only to descendants of the de Menubal family, most of whom only exist on the section 8, welfare, Medicaid and SSI rolls and list Rabbi Dovid Azazel Schmoigerman or one of his wives as their legal guardian).

And El Rey Samuel Gronem, who indeed was recognized by himself and his handful of loyal subjects as the king of Toracinia after the passing of his extinguished father, also claimed to be a skilled physician, in the tradition of many Jews of the region.

But this self appointed king and physician was actually an expert in bloodletting not of the medical variety but of the financial sort. And his fortune was based on the "discovery" of an interesting species of flower growing in the precincts of Toracinia. It was yellow and of no particular beauty, but its real interest to the budding pharmaceutical tycoon was its reproductive form, in which it sprouted a ball of puffy white seeds that would disperse with the wind and eventually grow into yellow flowers before reaching the puffball stage.

If you guessed that the "Flores de Toracinia" were but common dandelions, you would be one hundred and fifty per cent correct, one hundred and fifty per cent being the wholesale markup which was charged by the "Compania Santa de Flores de Toracinia" - the "Holy Company of the Flowers of Toracinia" for packages of either the dried or fresh flowers or the white, puffy seeds.

And what were these seeds supposed to do for whoever ate or inhaled them? Well, the only people who could attest to their benefits were the "Locos de Toracinia," the insane folk who had been living in caves and mountain dugouts in the rocky, infertile region. Yet, the great pharmaceutical tycoon to be, the one and only El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia, would transcribe their stories of visions of grandeur, of increased energy, of being great noblemen and kings, and claim that all of this was due to their ingestion of the Flores de Toracinia.

In short, the self appointed king and florid scammer claimed to be selling hallucinogens. But to those for whom hallucination did not appeal, he claimed that eating the seeds as opposed to inhaling them would produce a calming effect, even for rambunctious children and teenagers. Yes, this great medical discovery was the predecessor to Ritalin, in that it supposedly caused hallucinations in susceptible individuals while calming others.

And who would decide what category each customer belonged in and therefore what price he would pay? Why, of course, a veritable army of gullible salesmen who themselves had to pay an initial fee of hundreds of reals in authentic currency to buy their own stock.

Yes, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia was also the predecessor of Herbalife, Amway, and other MLM programs, both legitimate and in the case of its founder, completely spurious. Regardless of how many packages of Flores de Toracinia each "marco" (the first name used by the salesmen regardless of their actual name also became a term of derision for their customers and was the source of the term "mark" for a sucker who is recruited for a de Menubal type scam) sold, the "Compania Santa" would make a huge profit, for dandelions grow like weeds even in rocky Toracinia.

But the millions of reals in profit that came into the coffers of sovereign Toracinia, along with the profits from its debased currency that still was exchanged for actual gold at a ratio of 1:80, was not enough for its king.

He soon turned his greedy eyes toward a particularly weatherbeaten and unappetizing section of the Moorish fortress that had purportedly existed in Toracinia and was now a heap of rubble. The castle was still known as "Crede des Moros" - "The Faith of the Moors," and soon it would be put to use as a medical treatment facility of a type similar to a modern day facility in Queens, New York that bears a similar name.

In other words, El Rey Samuel Gronem de Menubal de Toracinia would build an insane asylum amidst the ruins of his purported fortress. While the patients may have been insane, its founder's motive in building the new hospital was, as always, pure greed.

Carlebach meets Creedmoor - Raheem Carlebach style

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:49:00 +0000

BS"D

"So my holy brothers and especially my holy sisters, the sweetest of the sweet, the highest of the high, let me tell you about the holiest of the holy, the one who gets me to the highest of the high, mamash a gevald, my holy brother Raheem.."

"Raheem, I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name'Raheem
On the corner of Utica and East New York Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem."

"And I want you to know, I want you to know, last night I was wandering around Brooklyn, so lonely, so sad, such a sad night, because, you know, I have 42 different identities and I am trying to cash a Section 8 voucher and I am not having the right ID, and the man who cashes the checks, he says to me, your name is Martin Luther King? GET OUT, GET OUT of HERE I SAY, you are gonna make me land in jail, you no-good, you cheat, you liar, how far do you brothers think you can go with this shtick.."

"So I wander the streets again, because I am so sad, so desperate, so strung out I will do anything to get high, Lord, get me high, get me so high like the holy brothers who are getting high tonight, and then I see Raheem, and he says to me, so holy, so sweet, so high, I give you whatever you want today and you pay me tomorrow OK, after you cash yo' check from Uncle Sam!"

"So holy, so high, Raheem, he gives me three joints, three joints that I share with two holy brothers I am meeting on the street, and we get so holy, so high, and I tell them, you know where I got this holy, this high, this sweet of the sweet, this weed?"

"Raheem, there ain't no one else like Raheem,
He give out free samples too Raheem,
Don'matter if you goy or Jew, Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"And there we are, me and these two holy brothers, so sweet, the sweetest of the sweet, now I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I want you to know, you know, it is mamash a gevald, sometimes this smoking, it is so high, so holy, so sweet, the holiest of holies, so you know, it makes me forget what I want you to know, so what is it I want you to know again,"

"Raheem, there ain't no bro as holy as Raheem!
He let you get high fo' nothin' Raheem!
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem!"

"Now, you know, one of these holy brothers, he is so sweet, so holy, so special, such a holy man, sometimes you see the holiest people you know, in places that are not so holy, and they are not looking so holy, they are so special, so sweet, and he tell me, come, come with me, we go together to the holy brother Raheem."

"Raheem, the sweet and the holy Raheem
With Raheem yo' never alone Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem.."

"And we go to the holy brother Raheem, and the holy brother he tell the other holy brother, you know, it is mamash a gevald, this brother, he is so holy, so special, so sweet, he tell me you give us the holiest of the holiest of weeds and he doesn't want you to pay..

Now Brother Raheem, you know, he gets so angry sometimes, it is so bad, so sad, so unholy to get angry and he say to the brother, you think I am crazy, I give you holy smoke fo' nuthin? This brother he is a holy Chossid, a holy brother, from the Creedmoorer rebbe, the holy of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, the Creeeeeedmoorer, the tzaddik of all eight sections! But you, who yo' be? How I know you pay me back? So he throw out the holy brother, and, you know, it is mamash a gevald, the holy brother, he is so poor, so sad, so oppressed, that he steals my wallet and runs away, and there he is going away with my 42 section 8 vouchers, so holy, so special is Section 8, like welfare it is so holy, so special, so pure...."

A word from our sponsor - "Raheem" Smoke Shop, Pharmacy and Loan Center

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:03:00 +0000

BS"D

From time to time, one of the Admou"r's Chassidim offers to sponsor this vital site with a donation of expired EBT cards. This time it is the one and only Raheem Washington-Shodedov, the proud offspring of a black father and a Bukharan Jewish mother from the famous Shodedov-Gezelov Creedmoorer Chassidic family. Raheem, who according to welfare records is an absentee father of 36 children ken yirbu, and an absentee voter in 150 different districts ad meah ve'esrim, is an unlicensed pharmacist and tobacconist who has a pharmacy and smoke shop in the Admou"r's "Section 8 Towers" project in Bushwick. He also is proud to operate a gemach called Keren Raheem which provides emergency loans both for purchases of his own schoire and for other emergencies at rates comparable to gemachim in Sicily, Naples and Bensonhurst. Here is his famous advertisement, as heard through the broadcasts that can only be picked up with Creedmoorer Malaysian Tin Foil hats (noki mekol chashash timas hatzioinis).

"Raheem"
Credit to Pinky Weber - "Rachem"

Raheem,
I get my smokes from a kewl homeboy name' Raheem
He live in da housin' projects Raheem
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

Raheem, he sells pills both red and blue, Raheem
He give free samples too, Raheem
Don't matter if you goy or Jew Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

And when you strung out and you need a loan
With Raheem you'll never be alone
He runs a gemach called Keren Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

Raheem

He loan you all de gelt dat you need Raheem
No one in der gantze velt like Raheem,
Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

---switches to rap beat-----

If you need a loan to pay the rent
Raheem charges thirty-six per cent
If you don't like it get it straight
Kuz Raheem ain't no Section 8!

Raheem, Raheem, Raheem

(The Creedmoor Yichis Breef series will resume on Motzoei Shabbos).

Creedmoor Readies Itself for Pilgrimage of 150 Quintillion Souls on Dec 25

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:15:00 +0000

BS"D

"Whomsoever visits my gravesite on December 25th, I will surely usher him into the eighth section of Gan Eden!"

So it states in Pninei Creedmoor (The Heavily Insured Pearl Necklaces of Creedmoor), a collection of sayings and statements by the renowned holy fraud, charlatan, swindler, boor and ignoramus Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman, the Admou"r meCreedmoor.

However, the Admou"r meCreedmoor is very much alive according to all reports, and he is often seen walking around the abandoned D-ward section of Creedmoor in tin foil boxer shorts and an orange garbage bag.

Nevertheless, he has constructed a gravesite for himself, to which he welcomes pilgrims who present a valid EBT card which is debited at the turnstile that leads to the elaborately constructed mausoleum.

And it is to this gravesite that every one of his 150 quintillion followers will arrive on December 25th, for as the Admou"r explains: "25 is two and five, which is seven, and I am the One, which is one, so two and five and one makes eight!" Indeed, it is on this great and auspicious day that the 150 quintillion souls are blessed with the "eighth section of Heaven," in the form of a certificate valid for "Section 8" housing subsidies which of course are valid only in properties owned and often incinerated by the Schmoigerman Companies, the real estate strong arm of the Creedmoorer religious empire.

Whether the Admou"r will actually arise from his grave is debatable, as his extreme girth makes it difficult for him to lift himself up from the six foot deep hole filled with insurance policies which lies under his gravestone.

"In A One Room Office" Parody of Journeys

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:30:00 +0000

BS"D

In a One Room Office
Credit to Abie Rotenberg "In A One Room Apartment"
Words by Rabbi Gimpel Pashkvilkemacher, Baal Menagen and Chronicler of Creedmoor
From the upcoming album: "Journeys: From Otisville to Creedmoor, And Back and Forth Again"

In a one room office
Somewhere in the slums
A story of fraud unfolds
There worked an old con-man
Without any scruples
Supervised release was his sentence
Yet he sat alone

And he lived with the memories of burning buildings
The flames feeding his dreams
Oh, if ever a man had reason to celebrate
Then surely the man was he

But this time he lived in fear
He had a prison record
Did Federal Kollel for a year
The gasoline was hidden
And he knew full well why
But today, his dreams would never die

When it happened that night
There was just no money
His wife’s sheitel worn, his Lexus not working right
So he took out the gasoline
And spilled it
As he set the building alight

And he lit that candle
Called the insurance
Greed and lust so deep in his heart
When a siren sounded, so deep and clear
The officer came out
And asked “Did I see you last year?”
And this time the trial was very fast
A ten year sentence with no parole at last
He tried to run but to no avail
And his expensive appeal did indeed fail
“Where must I go?”
He cried in a voice so frail

That night he sat once again in jail
Looking straight at the bars
As if with a mind of its own
His heart did flutter
Once again he had a plan

No more could he stay in the can
He cried out with glee
As he faked a heart attack
And was taken that day
In an ambulance from which he jumped
To a plane that carried him away.

Admou"r Denounces Win of Yankees, Alleges Zionist Plot

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:29:00 +0000

BS"D

"I am hereby declaring a day of mourning and fasting against the evil machinations of the tumadige tzioinish baseball team known as the Yankees which enabled them to win the World Series yet again.

The name Yankee is a corruption of the name of our despised tzioinish tzoirer Yankev ovini, who actually had the chutzpah to have his family steal the land of Canaan from the hyliger seven nations, and to settle there and actually work for a living, thereby not needing any welfare or bituach leumi under the table, let alone to schnorr in the Americhken tzioinish settlements of Lawrence and Teaneck.

In addition it should be noted that Phillies is a hyliger name as it is coming from Yevonis, and particularly refers to brotherly love, which we in Creedmoor interpret as a certain act which we encourage in our hyliger mikvaois.

Therefore, the win of the evil tzoirerim against the hyliger bnei Yovon is clearly an act of tzioinish manipulation, and is also a hefsed to those of my Chassidim who placed bets based on the 40:1 odds that I, the Admou"r meCreedmoor, ben yochid d'sitra achra, roish urishoina begezel, mirmo, avoida zoro, retzicha vegilui arayois, placed on the hyliger Phillies.

Finally I wish to remind all of my Chassidim who indeed did place wagers on the Phillies as per my hyliger directives to please submit your EBT cards today at the Creedmoorer Beis haMedrash or to kindly prepare to meet with representatives of our Bulvanim volunteer squad in the alley behind your local mikveh if you have not submitted your cards by 8 pm this tzioinish Shabbos parshas Vayeiro (Creedmoorer parsha: Koirach). It is indeed pikuach nefesh to submit your cards on tzionish Shabbos and any of our less faithful Chassidim who do observe the tzioinish Shabbos may indeed break it this week so as to avoid having themselves broken next week"

(The above was transmitted from Pluto via the radio antenna on the Admou"r's tinfoil shtreimel, and was transcribed from messages appearing on the tinfoil tichel of the Admou"r's East Coast rebbetzin Izevel Tzoiah Yachne who remains in Creedmoor while the Admou"r enjoys the company of his West Coast Rebbetzin Lilac Blossom Prunepit McCall-SchmoigerWOMAN on Pluto.)

Toracinia and Crede de Moros - The de Menubal kingdom

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:44:00 +0000

BS"D

Don Vital Hayim de Menubal de Toracinia, whose name was now officially rendered as El Rey de los Reyes Vital Hayim in order to reflect his new self-inflicted kingly status, would soon find out that his choice of land was a fortunate one indeed.

On the very edge of the outcrop, there lived a sort of clan or tribe of rather strange people, who claimed to see visions of horses and snakes and the moon and unicorns dancing around the land.

Today, we would call them schizophrenics and treat them accordingly, but at that time they were either seen as possessed by spirits, or mad. Among them were two older men who claimed to be personalities from earlier times, obscure or perhaps renowned noblemen and squires whose names meant little to their new overlord, Don Hayim Vital de Toracinia.

He found that one of them, a dissheveled, unkempt alcoholic of indeterminate age, inhabited what appeared to be the ruins of an old fortress, and claimed to be "El Defendante del Crede de Moros" - the Defender of the Faith of the Moors. As far as de Menubal was concerned, this meant that the ruins were of an old Moorish castle, and it was time for him to remove the harmless old lunatic and establish himself as "El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros," or the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors.

So, the Don deftly dismembered and disposed of the now former inhabitant of the castle, and displaced another squatter, Alfonso de Majnoun, with a duly produced parchment showing that he, Don Hayim Vital de Menubal, was now the Regal Defender of the Creed of the Moors and therefore the only rightful inhabitant of the castle.

He was decent enough to provide the second unfortunate with one of his forged alms cards, and to send him to the nearest Jewish town where he was able to use the cards to obtain food free of charge at the local branch of HyperNebela. Of course that food was paid for by the alms fund of the kehilla, who had never seen this latest arrival before but had to accept him as he could not communicate.

Now, Don Vital Hayim was ready for action as he set out to use the remaining psychotic squatters as free labor to turn the castle into the Grand Palace of Toracinia del Crede de Moros, and to have two slightly more talented and lucid squatters melt down base metal and plate it with adulterated gold before placing it in a hastily manufactured stamping device that embossed: "Cinco Reals del Toracinia de Crede del Moros" and a picture of a shechita knife on the front, with a legend "accepted as real tender in all subterranean transport of the Lands of the Empire of Spain, Portugal and Andalusia" on the back.

In other words, by issuing phony tokens, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, El Defendante Real del Crede de Moros de Toracinia, had managed to build what was in essence the first subway. It consisted of a tunnel dug under the unusual little town's kosher slaughterhouse which in turn led to the mikve. Visitors were pulled by a donkey drawn wagon and deposited in the mikve, clothes and all. Residents and visitors were lured to purchase these coins with real gold or silver coins, and then forced to use the subway by rather menacing local psychotics, each of whom received a token a day as their token wages.

And Don Vital Hayim would melt down all the legitimate coins he received from travelers, after having his trusted smelter make a proper impression of their head and tail sides so that he could stamp them on recycled iron swords which he melted down and then plated ever so lightly with the gold of the legitimate coins.

These new counterfeit base metal coins, in high denominations, were gladly accepted by market sellers who handed over change amounting to at least eighty five centavos on the real in legitimate coinage. Invariably, a Toracinian would appear at the market in rags, saying he had come to buy one egg, or one sharp pepper, for his King. And the merchants would accept his real and give him just that, with quite a handful in change.

The eggs were saved for throwing at chariots which entered Toracinia on Shabbat, which was called for a different day each week. And the peppers were soaked to make a blinding, irritating solution that was added to the de Menubal ancestral product "La Barata" so that the mixture could be thrown at women and girls who dared enter the new kingdom on days when entrance was restricted to men.

As for the kosher slaughterhouse, it schechted far more customers than meat. Since Toracinia was so well known for its adherence to tznius, unwitting consumers from as far afield as Yemen would travel to purchase kosher meat there. They were asked to put up a fifty per cent deposit in verifiable coinage and to enter the mikveh via the tunnel before even choosing a cut of meat. Of course they could not enter without purchasing a token, so that they purchased same in the hallway of the butcher shop and handed it to the rather floridly psychotic mikveh attendant, who insisted he was Avraham Avinu and was also the mashgiach for the schechita. Avraham Avinu would then appear after tevila and prove that the unwitting mark had paid for the meat with a token, and that he had paid with counterfeit coinage, which was of course actually produced in Toracinia and substituted for the real coins which the traveler had brought.

After the mark forked over a few more coins, he would be presented with a package of "Nacional Ebreo" smoked meat, a rather unreliable and distasteful product, simply wrapped in a certificate signed by the illiterate wannabe Avraham Avinu as mashgiach. If any customer would protest, he would be duly attacked by the mashgiach, and then would quickly get on his horse or donkey and leave town fast.

But all of these scams were nothing compared to the "Flores de Toracina" and "Bayit del Reposo (Rest Home) del Crede del Moros" that was perpetrated by the son of Don Vital Hayim, Don Samuel Gronem, Gronem being a corruption of the name Geronimo (Jerome).

Breaking News: Creedmoorer Soifer Found Floating in Aegean Sea

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 17:42:00 +0000

BS"D

The Admou"r meCreedmoor has suspended his ongoing melave malka tish for one day in memory of Moshiach Rachamim Hakolbishvili, the master soifer and printer of Creedmoor.

Hakolbishvili, a refugee from the tzioinish medine where he is wanted for counterfeiting and sale of stolen merchandise including Yerushalmi striped bekeshers which he is accused of selling to convicts to aid in their escape, was found dead this morning in the Aegean, apparently having fallen to sea from the observation deck of a space shuttle which he had boarded in order to return to his printing press in Rego Park, Queens after a Shabbos and Melave Malke with his Rebbe at the Creedmoorer satellite community on Pluto.

Positive identification was made when a wallet containing 365.783 dollars, in denominations of three, seven and eleven dollars, as well as twelve dies for making EBT cards, surfaced in the Aegean early this morning.

However, as Hakolbishvili is a Creedmoorer and master forger, and his bodily remains are nowhere to be found, Greek medical examiners refuse to issue a death certificate.

Nevertheless, his devastated family, which according to welfare and tax records includes an aged grandmother, and over fifty special needs children, have begun the shiva. This was made possible thanks to the rapid intervention of Creedmoorer Chessed SheMeis director Shabtai Salvatore "Shabby Sal" Olamnivrabishvili, who happens to be the equally devastated business partner of the deceased.

Olamnivrabishvili was able to obtain the exact moment of death by reviewing data on the famed scanner used by the Creedmoorer ambulance chasing squad division of "Bulvanim," which recorded a "man overboard" signal from outer space at 4.31 this morning, Neturei Karta standard time.

So, he immediately opened his shop and produced fifty-six copies of a death certificate, each one signed by a medical examiner in a different country so as to satisfy the various insurance requirements for death in each country where the deceased was insured.

However, his mourning became even more intense when he was told that each insurance policy was made out to "Rabbi Dovid Schmoigerman" as beneficiary and not to himself. Still, he consoled himself with the fact that he and Hakolbishvili are in any event only front multiple personalities for the Admou"r and as such he could join his late partner in faking his own death for insurance, but not before demanding a 20% cut from his beloved spiritual leader.

Newsflash: "Creedmoorer Goyte" arrested with false green card

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:28:00 +0000

BS"D

The loyal housekeeper and cleaning lady of the Creedmoorer rabbinical Schmoigerman family, Ana Lidia Gonzalez de Tonterias, has been arrested by ICE agents outside the Creedmoor grounds as she was found to be holding a false green card.

The green card, issued by "Schmoigerman Immigration Agents, Ltd Official Green Card Printers" in the name of "Inzere Goyte" was quickly determined to be false by the arresting agents.

When questioned as to where she obtained the card, she replied: "I no can read nothing. The Rabbi he good man he say with this I stay in country legal because I do big mitzvah cleaning his sinagogo for nine cents hour.."

An interplanetary arrest warrant has been issued for Rabbi David Schmoigerman who has been spending the last few weeks in his satellite synagogue, located on Pluto.

As Schmoigerman is expected to plead and prove insanity, little can be done except to recommit him to Creedmoor should he ever return to Earth.

Mrs Gonzalez de Tonterias is said to be a distant relative of Rabbi Schmoigerman and a descendant of conversos who were forced to pose as cretins so that they could escape to the New World. While in detention at the Manhattan Detention Center and Taco Bell, she produced a 1099 form issued by "The Creedmoor Tzedoko Fund" showing earnings of thirty dollars for the entire year of 2008.

Special Opening Ceremony of New Creedmoorer-Oisvorfer Shul

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:13:00 +0000

BS"D

Yesterday, the Admou"r meCreedmoor landed in Flatbush on a tinfoil and Lego spaceship from Pluto to speak at the chanikas vesryfis habayis of the new Kehillas Koidesh Byse Esov d'Arsvary (Osvorfer or Oisvorfer) Shil on Avenue M corner of Avenue Z:

"It is with great pleasure that I accept the honor of lighting the first tzioinish flag here in this hyliger shil that recreates the avyrois of the Arsvary shil of old. It was in hyliger Arsvary that our yeshive bochurim from Szarkonosvary would find the greatest pleasures of the flesh, from pool halls to dancing girls to of course, esev hasodeh, from which the name Esov is taken.

And it is especially warming to my heart and my bank account that my dearest alternate personality, Rabbynee Mechel Osvorfer, Rabbi Mechel Menivel Schlockgesheftman, will be the arva d'rabbonon for this great and exalted shil, which will indeed live up to its name by providing a safe and fiery atmosphere in which our youth can enjoy esev hasodeh in pipes imported from the hyliger anti-Zionist mokom koidesh of Syria, and for which they can pay in food stamps, thereby avoiding all contact with the timusdige currency of the Gantze Soton, the United States fin Americhke.

I now light the first tzioinish flag in honor of those of my Chassidim who are now living with mesiris nefesh in Otisville and Fort Dix, for the crimes of daring to resist the evil and iniquitous tax and legal system of the criminal tzionish regime which runs the Gantze Soton fin Americhke. I will first fill the tzioinish flag with a large amount of the esev hasodeh, which I have ensured is from our beloved friends in Venezuela and not from Americhkan or other tzioinish growers, and I ask all to inhale the fumes of the gitte sryfoh along with me as we elevate the much reviled Esov, hated only for his opposition to that tzioini Yankel who was his brother in flesh but who was not even fit to lick his heel, to the highest, highest highs!"

With that, the Admou"r, assisted by his loyal and very elevated Alcatrazer Rebbetzin, Rebbetzin Lilac Prunepit McCall-Schmoigerwoman, filled a paper tzionish flag with much esev hasodeh, and each one smoked one end. Then, they passed the great combination of Esov and tzionis around, requesting donations of finf tolar for each puff. Finally, when the flag and its contents were consumed, the Admou"r dedicated the shil with a true sryfos habayis, in which he soaked several tzionish flags with kerosene and threw them on top of the new aroin (consisting of a PlayStation console and television screen). As the crowd ran out, Reb Mechel called the new gabbai of the shil, recently appointed fire marshal Gitman Sryferman, to pronounce it a "gitte sryfo" for insurance purposes.

The ceremony concluded with the arrival of a special minyan of insurance company representatives, each of whom received the tolars collected at the chanikas habayis tish that of course were well smoked with the smoke of esev hasodeh. Each representative was given a gift of even more esev hasodeh wrapped in a small flag as soon as he signed off on the proper insurance reports.

The Admou"r and his Rebbetzin then boarded their spacecraft once again for Pluto, where the Admou"r will soon be revealing the rest of his yichus breef as well as his yellow and brown Jockey briefs at the continuation of his hyliger Creedmoor d'Pluto Melave Malka.

Coming on Friday...The Kingdom of Toracinia

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:57:00 +0000

BS"D

Forget Don Quixote del Toboso, or is it Dulcinea del Toboso. Meet El Rey de los Reyes Melech Malchei Hamelachim Vital Haim de Menubal de Toracinia....

"He found exactly what he was looking for when, thrown out of his house yet again by his mother in law, he went off for a long ride on his purloined steed Hamor, reaching a rocky outcrop claimed by no one and inhabited only by a flock of birds. This outcrop and the surrounding few hectares would become the Kingdom of Toracinia, consisting only of a palace and a mint which produced coinage bearing the emblem of the de Menubal de Toracinia dynasty......a squirrel feeding on acorns and the infamous "pan de kokosh", as the vile and deplorable de Menubal stock in bakery trade was now called..."

"Knowing that he risked execution for his many financial shenanigans and sale of adulterated foodstuffs, he often feigned insanity in public. de Menubal claimed he moved his family to the foreboding rocky lands in order to harvest the famous flora de Toracinia that was known to help in cases of extreme madness.............."

The True Beginnings of the Schmoigerman Scammer Dynasty - Don Vital Haim de Menubal part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Der Shygetz) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:07:00 +0000

BS"D

The enterprising and thoroughly corrupt Hymie would soon find a new use for his mentor Du'ecq's "la barata". He found out that a concentrated solution of Du'ecq's adulterated wine vinegar would soften wood, enabling him to change the inscriptions on the famous wooden alms entitlement cards that were his family's stock in trade ever since they arrived in Spain from Eretz Yisroel.

So, he began to issue his own cards and then to soften them, change the inscriptions on them, and resell them after one mark after another purchased them from him at 80 or 90 per cent of face value and found themselves essentially paying 150 per cent more for staples at the market as the counterfeit cards only entitled the bearer to a small and basic food ration. The rest of the ration was indeed paid for by the community, and went to none other than Hymie himself.

In addition, Hymie would augment his income by running what became known as "la juega de Sheketz Arroz," the infested rice game. He would lend one particular market stallholder money at exorbitant interest, and send thugs to mark all of his dried goods with the damning phrase "Sheketz Arroz" - "an abomination in the rice". This meant that the goods were not kosher, and that most gentiles would reject them as well due to insect infestation. Miraculously, a Menubal agent would appear at the stand with a wagon load of "BaDaTz Sefarad Mehadrin" grains, certified with a barely visible kosher seal, of course by none other than "Haham Vital Haim de Menubal". Never mind that such a certification was not even worth the material used in manufacturing the seal; most women in Spain were illiterate and had no idea what the seal meant. Indeed, consumers believed that the grains were special and therefore willing to pay three times the price of regular grain.

Soon enough, Hymie Nebela became a wholesale grain trader, or more accurately a wholesale fraudster of the first order. He invented a new measure called the "sharp ton" (tonna acuta), which consisted of perhaps three tenths of an actual ton, the remainder of the crate being filled with nothing but what was termed "wind and hot air". Of course the price for a "sharp ton" of Nebela flour or rice would equal four times that of an actual ton of non kosher certified grains, and anyone who complained or refused to take the Nebela grains on credit at exorbitant interest would awaken the next morning to find an armed thug and a sign "Nebela Foods Limited" adorning their stall. By now, practically every merchant who had not been driven to ruin by the Sheketz Arroz scheme was forced to buy from the Nebela enterprises.

And since royal titles were easy enough to obtain in the various kingdoms that comprised the Spanish territories, even Hymie Nebela became a knight, taking the royal name of "Don Vital Haim de Menubal, Duca de Vaca". In time, Duca de Vaca, which meant Duke of Cow, would become the basis for an old Spanish song mocking the easy availability of such titles. And later on, in the colonies, English colonists would mistranslate the title of the song as "Duke of Earl", also mocking spurious titles of nobility which were as available in England for the right price just as they were in Spain.

Now, as a nobleman, Don Vital Haim de Menubal, who still claimed to be the very model of a Spanish rabbinical scholar, could realize his long held goal. He could rise to the very greatest heights of deceit and avarice by opening his own private mint, using the same principles of honesty and manipulation of weight and measures that he relied upon to invent and popularize the "sharp ton".

All Don Vital Haim de Menubal had to do was to find a willing king with a willing kingdom. This, as we shall see, proved quite simple for this man of great imagination and even greater moral turpitude.