So as if this weekend's baby drama wasn't enough, I spent Monday night with my newest baby, Baby L. She may be 4 months old but she has some case of colic or something. The child cries more than any infant I've seen in my life, and that's a pretty huge amount of babies to beat! So I spent 6 hours of my evening listening to inconsolable wailing with the exception of 3 tiny catnaps. Oh and Dad left his keys locked in his car and blocked Mom in so I was the nice new nanny and agreed to drive her to her job in Cleveland - one hour each way. Needless to say, we never made it to the funeral calling hours I had every intention of attending that night.
Fast forward to yesterday. Sitting for Baby Blue while Mom and Dad attend a couples baby shower. (How many dads really want to go to baby showers? Couples wedding showers are weird enough, but a couples baby shower? Not sure about my thoughts on that one...) I was getting him into his jammies when upon changing his diaper, I noticed red, raised bumps that were all over until weaning off as they reached his stomach. That's not diaper rash, people. That's chicken pox. Of course I called my mom, my on-call childcare advice consultant when Super Nanny is stumped, and I told her I was almost sure it was chicken pox but I just wanted to make sure... why would they be in one area? Doesn't the kid have a fever and stuff too with varicella? Well Dr. Mom told me that chicken pox like to start in warm, moist habitats (duh... and I'm the one who got an A in microbiology? Right) and then continue all over the body. Fevers are common but not seen in 100% of cases. I had her describe the bumps because part of me was really hoping this little guy didn't have chicken pox, but of course, her description matched both Baby and what I knew in my mind to be chicken pox. (I am in nursing school you know...) Great. Then Mom called on the phone and apparently, the poor little baby was just diagnosed with something called mastocytosis - a skin disorder that causes those "chicken pox" in random spots on his body. The good news is it doesn't hurt him, itch, or anything like that. The bad news is he'll probably have it a few more months before it goes away. Poor little guy. Good thing he didn't have chicken pox though - 8 months is too little to have chicken pox!
Today? Little M. According to my iPhone 3G I checked my brand new iPhone 3Gs (to replace my dinosaur iPhone!) and it said RAIN! It rained a little but was just overcast all day. I woke up with the random idea of having a PINKALICIOUS day, and it was pretty wild and crazy. Read about that in a blog post coming later. The craziest part was when Little M, laying on the couch watching Cinderella, told me she was going to "puke," her word, not mine. With a little bit of communication I found out her stomach just hurt, but she didn't really think she was going to throw up. Good. I gave her some water and told her to lay down with her head higher on the pillow. She insisted I take her temperature. 98.4 I told her that was normal. I sensed some drama when she asked me to check the other ear, "My right ear," she told me. Okay. 98.1. "It says your NOT sick!" I told her with a smile. She laid back down, knowing I was onto her little attention game and she had just lost.
A few nights a month ~ Baby Blue (10 months) ~ loves to sleep, very happy little guy
Various days/nights ~ Baby Itty Bitty (8 months) & Big Itty Bitty (6 years) ~ my little princess girls, one smiley and content, the other dramatic and smart
Had Little M yesterday, I interviewed to nail the job with Baby L last night, today I had Baby Itty Bitty, tomorrow I interview with a newborn, Monday I start with Baby L, Tuesday I interview with a pregnant Mom with a 1 year old, Tuesday night I have Baby Blue, and Wednesday and Friday, it's Little M time.
As if there wasn't enough insanity to be had, listen to the little situation I just encountered on my evening with Baby Itty Bitty...
She was sick, poor little thing. I told Mom I'd still watch her so she and Dad could have a nice evening out at a friend's wedding. After all, I'm not scared of a sick little baby. Extra snuggling and overcompensated infant-frustration preventive measures, being overly careful with meds, and making sure the blanket or the pacifier is not in the other room are all pretty easy if you think about it. Nearly a typical night with my favorite little princess. Or at least until Baby Itty Bitty's 2-day-long fever stopped decreasing, woke her from her sleep, and decided to hit 104* - even after Tylenol and Motrin and new antibiotics (after a 10 day run of amoxicillin!) Combine that with her ear infection, her lethargy, her family history of seizures (and me not wanting to see my first febrile seizure), and her lack of interest in fluids? My first thought was to call the pediatrician, but of course of all times to "hide" the nanny book (containing all important information), Mom chose tonight. No pediatrician name/number and someone else's baby girl's life in my hands? I responsibly called Akron Children's and was almost there when Mom & Dad (who I called to meet me at the hospital and/or talk to the pediatrician) finally got ahold of the doctor. Long story short, Baby Itty Bitty is now home, and she will be okay... she's just very miserable for now.
In my decade of childcare experience, I have never once made a trip to the Akron Children's emergency room, but tonight makes it the second time that I've come close. Rewind just over 5 years ago when Bryce was teeny tiny. He was playing in our family room on a Little Tykes slide and having a great time at that. We religiously kept him away from the fireplace, but that didn't matter one bit that day. He climbed to the top of the tiny Little Tykes slide and fell backward in a split second. Right. Into. The. Fireplace. Anyone familiar with young children know how the really-bad, not-faking-it cries start. The kid gets that pain-fear look on their face, takes the biggest breath of their lifetime, and you count the seconds of the pause and think to yourself, "Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes...." until bam, WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Then the crocodile tears start pouring and you know something really bad just happened. Of course I had Bryce in my arms before the wail even came out and sure enough, there was a nice-sized bleeding gash in the back of his head. I ran him to the sink, grabbed a towel, and applied pressure while I tried to console a very upset little man. It was really on the border of looking like a stitches-requiring cut, so I called the Ask Children's line before running out the door to the hospital. The nurse said it was hard to even stitch a cut on the back of the head due to the tightness of the skin so unless it was really, unstoppably bleeding, it would probably be okay on its own. Sure enough, by the time I was off the phone with the nurse, his head wasn't even bleeding anymore. To this very day, Bryce has a scar on the back of his head marking where his first major injury occurred.
You know it was funny... on the last parent interview I did, Mom asked me a hypothetical question. "Say my baby is crying and is totally unconsolable. What would you do to eliminate your anger before going to her?" I probably had the blankest look on my face. "Honestly, I can't even think of a time crying has made me angry or even frustrated. I have more experience with infants than older kids, so I'm just used to it I guess. If the baby was fed, changed, and not needing a nap, I would hold her the way she likes to be held, and I would do whatever I knew worked to console her. Each baby is so different, so you just have to do what you know that particular child likes. If it was my first time with her, I would try various things until I saw what worked, or I would go by Mom telling me how she likes to be held and things like that." Now that was an award-winning response, my friends. Completely true of course, but I think I told her exactly what she wanted to hear, and at that moment I knew I'd probably land the job.
So yes, I'm calm, cool, and collected. Emergencies don't frighten me, and crying doesn't get on my nerves. No infant, kid, or parent can scare me. I have my act together just like Mary Poppins. Sure, I'm tired and a little too attached, but I also happen to be a baby whisperer, a calm and consistent discipline maven and a friend to all kiddos, all while being skilled with obnoxious obese golden retrievers and cats who can't take hints.
Ahh, karma. Sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it. Tuesday, I loved it.
Remember when I told you about Jodi Picoult's literary masterpiece, My Sister's Keeper? I told you how phenomenal it was and how it impacted me deeply because the story hit too close to home? The story resonated with me day and night, and I was counting down the days until its matching movie would be released - Friday, June 26th. I told you how scared I was about the movie doing the book injustice, how it had to be impossible to maintain the emotion Jodi Picoult so passionately crafted, to maintain the pulse of each character's struggle to fight through their family's battle with cancer.
Well, I completely, randomly stumbled upon two advanced-screening tickets to the movie, so Jonathan and I went up to a Cleveland theater last night, braved the crowds and media and police officers, and saw "my movie" a few days early. Now mind you, we are not VIP people. I am your average-girl-next-door who dates an average-web-designer-guy, and we live average lives full of things that are not even in the neighborhood of scoring advanced movie passes, not to mention advanced movie passes to my movie. Crazy, crazy...
But enough about that...
A little refresher?
Brian and Sara Fitzgerald have two beautiful children, Jesse and Kate. When Kate, their baby, comes down with a rare form of leukemia, they exhaust their options to save her. All but one, that is. So stopping at nothing, Brian and Sara, through in vitro fertilization, conceive a child to be an exact bone marrow match for Kate. At birth, Anna's cord is immediately taken to treat Kate. But the line is not drawn there. As Kate continues to go in and out of disease and remission, Anna is always there to share blood or cells or whatever Kate medically needs. After all, she is a perfect genetic match for her older sister - she was created just for that purpose. Brian and Sara seem to lose sight of anything but Kate, helping Kate get better, curing Kate. When Kate is hospitalized, Anna is usually right there too, undergoing surgeries, procedures, and needles to help her sister get better. Meanwhile? Their family is breaking at the seams. Tension abounds. Jesse is left to fend for himself. Anna is sure she's invisible. Finally, at the age of 13 - for reasons you will be shocked to hear - Anna decides to sue her parents for the rights to her own body. Kate needs a kidney, and there, Anna has to draw the line.
In the movie, the characters are so believable that you feel like you are joining the family. Cameron Diaz gets to play the intricate Sara, and I think her fiercely determined performance - as well as Jason Patric's objective and tender Brian - was spot-on. Abigail Breslin did a powerful and convincing rendition of Anna, and Sofia Vassilieva will surprise you at the strength, passion and courage she lends to her character, cancer-stricken Kate. All of these characters will gently move you, challenge your beliefs, and teach you what life could be like if cancer hit your child, your sister, yourself as a young girl.
I was honestly scared that the movie would be a forged, fumbled mess of a story trying to follow such a sacred, breathtaking novel, but I was pleasantly surprised. With a few intelligent changes and story twists, the film was basically a lighter, more concise, direct form of the book. Where the book used descriptive words and beautiful explanations, the film used talented actors who subtly added shouting emotion to their roles, leaving you jarred with the heaviness of the elements and the touching capacity of the story's gentle tenderness.
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been And how long I've been so alone And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks, down a long, dark street And a siren wails in the night But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me And how long I've waited for your touch And if you knew how happy you are making me I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
My Sister's Keeper, the movie, was done by Nick Cassavetes, director of tearjerkers the Notebook and Walk to Remember. The Notebook worked because of its timeless love story and charming chemistry, and Walk to Remember worked because of its feel-good story and its role of anchoring the sappy storyline debut in a my generation's teen film genre. My Sister's Keeper, however, worked because of Picoult's mastery, an amazing cast, and the fearlessness of accurate portrayals. Cancer wasn't made out to be the quiet disease it isn't. There were nosebleeds, bruises, dry lips, incontinence, and vomiting of blood. There was yelling and screaming. A soon-ending life wasn't made out to be a fairy tale with Walk to Remember underscores. There were pursuits, tears, promises, and passion. When it's the end, there's no time for wishing this or that happened, being frustrated you never whatever or whatever. The movie recognizes this.
I've been at many of these places in my life, and I didn't realize until halfway through the movie that my jaw was clenched with my teeth digging into my left index finger. Jonathan has taken the time to become a part of my history and to understand so much about my past struggles that after the film, he admitted to me that he had to distance himself at many points. I also called my mom and told her under no circumstance was she to see this movie - if the bone marrow scene didn't get to her (she heard me screaming during mine and subsequently spent the time throwing up in the bathroom), then surely another scene would - perhaps where the doctor diagnoses toddler Kate with leukemia or where teenage Kate uses all of her strength to comfort her grieving mom. If you recognize something in your life being similar to the storyline, I'm going to warn you that it will be hard to watch, but if you're willing to face the disgusting injustice of childhood cancer and see how it really impacts a family, this is a must-see film.
I'm so glad that the destruction of an ill child's battle was not painted eternally-sunny like a Disney movie or even cheesy and trying-too-hard like a Lifetime Movie. Accurately, Cameron Diaz's relentless fight became weary and almost automatic. Being a child shoved from dress-up and play dates into cold hospitals and illness was portrayed realistically - kicking and screaming before a procedure, a bone marrow aspiration scene in which a large needle drills into a thick hipbone of a tiny girl, and parents confronting the unimaginable... and at the point of an adolescent, having one too many painful days until enough is enough and you just want it all to end, be it by a mouthful of drugs or some other means. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, these scenes are nothing but reality to the lives of many families all over the world. This movie is accurate, and it's hard to watch, yes. But, like I said, I believe this is a must-see film. The world needs to get a glimpse into the world of what life could be like and to in turn be grateful for each day of health, each day of life, each day of sunshine. I hope Jodi Picoult got a ton of money from selling her story to Warner Brothers, but most of all, I hope she is proud of how the book to movie transition was orchestrated, and I hope she gains lots of new readers as a result. I hope her fresh, haunting, all-too-realistic story shakes lives and humbles its viewers.
Be brave and go see this movie. Peek into the lives of too many people on this planet. Hug your children and be thankful for their health. Live your life with passion and without regrets.
I realize then that we never have children, we receive them. And sometimes it's not for quite as long as we would have expected or hoped. But it is still far better than never having had those children at all.
She pushes back from me, until she can look me in the eye. "Don't be," she says fiercely. "Because I 'm not." She tries to smile, tries so damn hard. "It was a good one, Mom, wasn't it?"
I bite my lip, feel the heaviness of tears. "It was the best," I answer.
Since I could talk, I was always "Daddy's Girl," or some variant of it. Both of my parents are amazing and gave us beautiful lives, and both Nikki and I were very close to each of them, but for some reason or another... Nikki was always clinging to Mom and her blankie while I was proud to be independent ... well, aside from the hand that was always in Dad's. Always. I'd go as far out as I could, but not any further than Daddy's hand would reach. And rightfully so. I was convinced I was going to marry him, why, I even told Mom about my plan and informed her of her need for new housing. Yep, I was that itty bitty 4 year old you learn about in child psychology... if love was a handsome prince who did everything right and loved you back? Well, it definitely had to be Daddy. (Oh, and sorry, Mom...)
I'd go to all of Dad's business functions that I was allowed to when he was Chamber of Commerce President. I starred in his company's commercials, and I smiled pretty for pictures hanging on his office wall. Daddy told me I was his Cutie Pie. He taught me about life, and he helped me learn right from wrong. He was proud of me, and I was proud of him. It worked out pretty well. We did sand art at the fair, and we went for snow cones in the summer. When I did something bad, after our "discussion," he'd tell me he still loved me and give me an "A&W Rootbeer Stand pass" or two. That meant anytime I wanted, no matter what else was going on, I'd give him the pass and just the two of us had a date. Yep, my dad was pretty cool.
So.... here we are, 20-some Father's Days later. It's sad. Bittersweet. There is no more breakfast in bed, no more rag-tied curls with a bedtime story. No more "Cinderfella" or trips to Disney on Ice. No more of those endless driving lessons in the parking lot. No more "cowgirl" or watching out the front window for Daddy's car to pull in.
No, with time, a lot of things fade away. I'm so grateful for the memories, and I'm so grateful that sometimes after time creates absences, better things grow in their place. Things like a lot more love, a much deeper trust, and the knowledge that no matter how bad I screw up, how terrible my day was, or what accomplishment I achieve, I have a big strong set of loving, guiding arms behind me. Thanks, Dad.
She spins and she sways To whatever song plays Without a care in the world And I'm sitting here wearing The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited And I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't wanna miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed She wants to know if I approve of her dress She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away And I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand Just glowing and telling us all they had planned She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away But I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
I love each and every one of you, my readers. In particular, a few have really taken the time to make my day lately and a few of you were sneaky enough to leave no way of reaching you. So please, wherever you are, I hope you find this post and realize how you've touched my heart. I don't take any of my readers - visible or invisible - for granted. Thank you for sharing your hopes, dreams, stories, jokes, links, and experiences. You are precious.
To "Mon B", my "lurker" :) ...
Hey Amanda, this is a totally random comment, but I came across your blog in the same fashion (totally random). I’ve been reading your entries off and on for over a year now and just wanted to tell you that even though we don’t know each other, you’ve been such an encouragement! I started nursing school this past August and there have been many, many time that I wanted to quit but during a few of those times, I’d come across one of your posts and your passion/desire (which is obviously evident in these entries!) has helped push me along too.I hope the most amazingly best for you and pray that God would continue to use you to be a light to those around you (even in the virtual world :P), that He would strengthen you and heal you physically, that He would continue to instill your passion for nursing and your passion to change the world. Thanks for being transparent, and thanks for being real. You seem like such an amazing individual and I know you probably leave a lasting impression on the lives of people around you. :)
When I was in Disney, we rode the Jungle Cruise ride, and I posted the video on YouTube. Apparently our guide, Sara's, mom found it, found my blog, and posted a sweet hello. She has a pretty cool daughter. ;-)
To Kristina, my longtime blogger/etsy friend... She's always here through thick and thin. I love you, friend. Thank you for this:
Amanda, You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank YOU for sharing. Now, that you are one of the strongest and most inspiring people I’ve ever met :)
To Jenn, who always has a sweet word and a Scripture for me. God put you in my life.
To Jonathan, my dear fiance, who is trying so hard to learn how to post comments. ;-)
To Heather, for the funnies, for being a pal, for being my cousin.
To my sister, who needs to learn how to drop by and say hello.
Those who have contacted me on Flickr, Twitter, here, email, whatever... saying you or a family member are inspired by my healthcare battles. Saying my posts make your day. Just saying hi. There's nothing like feeling so weak and then seeing how someone out there is gaining strength from your dark, messy parts. Nothing like it. A little light coming from the pitch dark. Amazing.
So thank you for reading. Please keep your stories coming. They touch my heart.
I remember Trying not to stare the night I first me you You had me memorized Three weeks later In the front porch light Taking forty five minutes To kiss good night I hadn’t told you then I thought I loved you then
Now you’re my whole life Now you’re my whole world I just cant believe The way I feel about you girl Like the river meets the sea Strong then it’s ever been We’ve come so far since that day And I thought I loved you then
I remember Taking you back To right where I first met you You were so surprised There were people around But I didn’t care I got down on one knee Right there once again I thought I loved you then
Now your my whole life Now you’re my whole world I just cant believe The way I feel about you girl Like the river meets the sea Strong then it’s ever been We’ve come so far since that day And I thought I loved you then
I can just see with you With a baby on the way I can just see you When your hair is turning gray What I cant see Is how I’m never gonna love you more But I’ve said that before
Now you’re my whole life Now you’re my whole world I just cant believe The way I feel about you girl You’ll look back some day At this moment that we’re in And I’ll look at you and say And I thought I loved you then And I thought I loved you then
i’m 21 & engaged to my soulmate (dating aug 04, engaged july 07). i currently spend my days going to college (working on my BSN-RN) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & fiance. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic illness has taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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me & my guy
so perfect together!
Near and dear to my heart...
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So as if this weekend's baby drama wasn't enough, I spent Monday night with my newest baby, Baby L. She may be 4 months old but she has some case of colic or something. The child cries more than any infant I've seen in my life, and that's a pretty huge amount of babies to beat! So I spent 6 hours of my evening listening to inconsolable wailing with the exception of 3 tiny catnaps. Oh and Dad left his keys locked in his car and blocked Mom in so I was the nice new nanny and agreed to drive her to her job in Cleveland - one hour each way. Needless to say, we never made it to the funeral calling hours I had every intention of attending that night.
Fast forward to yesterday. Sitting for Baby Blue while Mom and Dad attend a couples baby shower. (How many dads really want to go to baby showers? Couples wedding showers are weird enough, but a couples baby shower? Not sure about my thoughts on that one...) I was getting him into his jammies when upon changing his diaper, I noticed red, raised bumps that were all over until weaning off as they reached his stomach. That's not diaper rash, people. That's chicken pox. Of course I called my mom, my on-call childcare advice consultant when Super Nanny is stumped, and I told her I was almost sure it was chicken pox but I just wanted to make sure... why would they be in one area? Doesn't the kid have a fever and stuff too with varicella? Well Dr. Mom told me that chicken pox like to start in warm, moist habitats (duh... and I'm the one who got an A in microbiology? Right) and then continue all over the body. Fevers are common but not seen in 100% of cases. I had her describe the bumps because part of me was really hoping this little guy didn't have chicken pox, but of course, her description matched both Baby and what I knew in my mind to be chicken pox. (I am in nursing school you know...) Great. Then Mom called on the phone and apparently, the poor little baby was just diagnosed with something called mastocytosis - a skin disorder that causes those "chicken pox" in random spots on his body. The good news is it doesn't hurt him, itch, or anything like that. The bad news is he'll probably have it a few more months before it goes away. Poor little guy. Good thing he didn't have chicken pox though - 8 months is too little to have chicken pox!
Ahh, karma. Sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it. Tuesday, I loved it.
Since I could talk, I was always "Daddy's Girl," or some variant of it. Both of my parents are amazing and gave us beautiful lives, and both Nikki and I were very close to each of them, but for some reason or another... Nikki was always clinging to Mom and her blankie while I was proud to be independent ... well, aside from the hand that was always in Dad's. Always. I'd go as far out as I could, but not any further than Daddy's hand would reach. And rightfully so. I was convinced I was going to marry him, why, I even told Mom about my plan and informed her of her need for new housing. Yep, I was that itty bitty 4 year old you learn about in child psychology... if love was a handsome prince who did everything right and loved you back? Well, it definitely had to be Daddy. (Oh, and sorry, Mom...)
