Cracked Columbia

Let's Throw A Party For Chuck Austin

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 04:13:00 +0000

Charles Austin is the former city manager still receiving a city salary. He is also opening up a private detective business according to TheState newspaper. Now the Urban League is throwing him a dinner. What's wrong with this picture?

Austin led the city to the worst economic downturn since the civil war. The only thing "Chuck" didn't do was burn Columbia. Sherman still has that honor, dubious though it may be. But Sherman wasn't collecting a check from Columbia at the time.

It's the worst kept secret in the midlands - Austin was incompetent and allowed far too much to happen during his tenure. Thus, for the Urban League to throw a gala only confirms our worst suspicions. The Urban League is full of shit.

What's next-a rent party for Bernie Madoff?

Does Bob Coble Deserve Another Term?

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 20:01:00 +0000

One of the best written free, weekly alternative papers in existence within 10 miles of the heart of Columbia posed an excellent question - does Bob Coble deserve another term as Mayor?

Free Times asks the question as a poll - vote here - but setting aside the jokes the question of who would replace Bob is a serious one.

No one on council seems worthy of the position. Each has been serving with Bob for some time except for Belinda Gurgel. She can't run because no one can be told to "Gurgel once, rinse, repeat."

Kirkman Onassis Kennedy Bush Finlay has supporters and if they turned out he would be guaranteed 21 votes.

Sam Davis seems too busy.

EW Cromartie could carry the overweight vote.

Tameka Isaac Devine would make a great council member. We urge her to run. Oh, wait.

Daniel Rickeman is the backbone of council. If he ran for Mayor no one would be left to annoy the Mayor. That's Daniel's job.

Who else is left? Steve Benjamin? You can't elect someone with two first names.

Man Jumps From Bridge, Meets Friend, Declines Offer To Join MENSA

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:36:00 +0000

A rocket scientist leaped from a bridge in Columbia, SC in order to catch up with a friend who was in the river below. (This is true - see the article at TheState)

Emergency workers were sent in to the river to look for the man after people reported seeing a man jump into the river. After risking their lives emergency workers were notified the man was actually at home. He jumped in the river to see a friend, got gas, and departed.

Cracked Columbia was able to to snap a photograph of the one time physics major just as he left the water. Here he is, below.

Gorilla Escapes From Riverbanks Zoo, Declares Candidacy For Mayor

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 19:25:00 +0000

A Gorilla escaped from Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, South Carolina. Upon escape the gorilla declared his candidacy for Mayor of Columbia, a post held by Bob Coble since 1861. No word yet on whether the gorilla will run as a democrat or republican.

The Feeling of Imminent Failure

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:46:00 +0000

The Homeless Won't Go Away In Columbia

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:16:00 +0000

Those pesky homelss people. They just won't go away. This leaves the blue blooded residents of Columbia in a snit because they can't stand to see the homeless. It ruins a good ride in the B'mer.

City council can't eradicate the homeless. Moving them over to Cayce seens like a good idea because really, what is Cayce anyway? It's a refined version of a corn field. The homeless would fit in so well.

The next problem Columbia faces is getting the homelss out of Finlay Park. Known for it's beauty and people urinating in the bushes, the park is the de facto headquarters of the Homeless Coalition. Again, wouldn't Cayce be a great spot?

The only thing left to do is actually care for the homeless. Hahahahahaahha. Yeah, Columbia residents laugh at that too.

Water May Cause Drowning. Prepare Accordingly

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:39:00 +0000

It does not compute. Where, in the course of human history, has it not become apparent, painfully, that water will kill you if you cannot swim. Tragedy after tragedy occurs and at some point along the way people sit up and say, "Wait. Doesn't water cause drowning?"

Here in the Metro Columbia area (MCA) rivers flow majestically through the tree's and and manufactured housing of the Palmetto state. They are beautiful but deadly. So are the rivers.

Every year we hear about people getting lost in the river and quite often it is revealed they could not swim. To which any person may ask, "Why go in the river?"

If a bird does not have wings will it not stay on the ground? If a warship has a hole in the bow will it not sink? If the University of South Carolina only wins six games every year, is it not normal?

The point is people must take responsibility for their ability to fly, swim or fry chicken. It ceases to be a tragedy when it is repeated and the hard won lessons of the past are ignored.

Columbia Budget Makes Sense. Like Water Is Hard

noreply@blogger.com (Walsingham) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:27:00 +0000

The Columbia City Council hath spoken. There will be a 2010 thanks to the hard work of veteran politicians like E.W. Cromartie and Mayor Robert Coble. Oh. The taxpayers are footing the bill. Forgot about them.

What's on Columbia's political agenda for 2010: