But it seems that the players are a little better than they claimed. Although they don't have official golf handicaps, Clingan reckons he plays off about ten, while Murphy says his is about 13.

However, after being well whupped on the spectacular Vale do Lobo course on Wednesday's afternoon off, Oggy revealed that the midfielder would have a handicap of about three and his new goalkeeping student about six, equal to his own official handicap.

The game was, apparently, quite close until the latter stages when Clingan raced into the lead with Murphy second and Ogrizovic further off the pace. But while acknowledging Sammy's superiority, he insisted that he let his new star goalie beat him to keep his spirits up - yeah, right Oggy!

The Sky Blues took part in their final training session on Friday morning after a full-on week of fitness work with and without the ball.

Judging by the sprint sessions, the players have kept themselves in good shape over the summer with many determined to give themselves the best possible chance of being in the manager's thoughts ahead of the new campaign.

Forgotten man Roy O'Donovan barely got a look in last season but the Irishman is certainly up with the front runners when it comes to the sprints and Andy Thorn has been pleased with him.

Given the loss of Marlon King in an increasingly small squad, the former City trainee might just get his opportunity this year - the 25-year-old striker has hardly had a sniff of the first team since he was signed by Aidy Boothroyd this time last year.

Although City have been without a fitness coach during their week-long training camp following the departure of Andy O'Boyle to Liverpool's youth set-up, they have certainly been put through their paces by the manager and his staff who have all mucked in to ensure the players have got a good base for the weeks ahead.

Like the squad, they are tight group who have worked hard to ensure the week ran smoothly.

Monday sees the arrival of another big character in the camp, fitness specialist Mick Rathbone, more commonly known as Basil, or Baz, to his mates for obvious reasons.

Andy Thorn has known the 52-year-old former Blackburn, Birmingham, Preston and Halifax full-back for many years, and joins with an impressive CV on a trial basis for three weeks.

"He's so fit I think he runs through his sleep," quipped the City boss who insists he's the fittest bloke he's ever seen for his age.

He's also multi-talented as his former unique job description would suggest when he was at the end of his playing career and named Halifax Town's assistant manager, player and physio all rolled into one.

After spending eight years as Everton's physio and head of sports medicine, he set up his own fitness consultancy and is set to have his autobiography entitled The Smell of Football published next month.

Deegs, affectionately nicknamed The Pitbull at previous club Bohemians, is clearly straining at the leash after a year out with injury, while Jazza was also enjoying being back in full contact action.

"It's good to see James back out on the training pitch," said Thorn. "At one stage I thought he was having a competition with Deegs because it looked like they were keeping scores of how many bodies they could run over.

"We had to pull back on the reins because it was starting to get a bit lively - I think the only person Deegs didn't kick was the mini-bus driver!"

Talking to the young Irish midfielder, it is clear that he's out to make a big impression this season and keen to stamp his mark in the team and - if training is anything to go by - on anyone who gets in his way.

He has the proverbial bit between his teeth and regardless of whether Aron Gunnarsson was going to be at the club this season he set his sights on being one of the first names on the team-sheet when the Sky Blues face the Foxes in a few weeks time.

Thorn certainly regards him as, in effect, a new signing - just as well given his lack of spending power this summer - and has high hopes for the lad.

Some will, no doubt, be disappointed at Gunnarsson's decision to leave, but perhaps it is the right time to move on and for City to freshen things up with Deegan and the up-and-coming Conor Thomas who might have otherwise been forced to wait longer for his chance.

Thumbing through a brochure at City's Vale do Lobo hotel base while waiting to interview a couple of the lads, it appears the Dutch exponent of 'Total Football', Louis van Gaal, is a neighbour of chairman Ken Dulieu.

The Bayern Munich boss has a holiday home at the luxury golfing complex that hosts an annual summer party that included Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant last year.

Talking of tying the knot, there have been three weddings in the Sky Blues ranks recently with Carl Baker, James McPake and Dave Hart, the multi-talented assistant physio and all-round nice bloke, getting hitched.

Dave plays in a band and provided the entertainment at McPake's evening celebration, and was so impressive that he's already been signed up by Richard Keogh for his forthcoming nuptials as well as expecting a flood of inquiries about bookings 'up the road' (Scotland to you and me).

Now before anyone gets too excited, the all-action midfield ball-winner whose ultra-aggressive style makes Gary 'The Pitbull' Deegan look like a pussycat, is not, sadly, pondering a move from the San Siro to the Ricoh Arena this summer.

It turns out that he's on holiday at the same hotel as the Sky Blues and, after bumping into a few of the players in the lobby, said he'd pop down with his young son to watch them train one day.

The 34-year-old - who boasts an impressive CV that includes a spell at PSV before gaining a Champions League winners' medal with Barcelona, a runners-up medal with Bayern Munich, Serie A title honour with AC Milan and a World Cup runners-up medal from last summer - is one of a host of sports stars to frequent City's exclusive Vale do Lobo training camp location. Manchester United's Nani was also at the hotel a few days ago and Christiano Ronaldo only last week.

Despite his billing, van Bommel failed to show - but hopes are high that he will pitch up before the week's out when many of the City players will, no doubt, queue up to have their pictures taken with the dark destroyer.

The morning programme saw the Sky Blues taking part in a more light-hearted warm down and recovery session after two days of rigorous training, before another gruelling double session on Thursday.

Room-mates Ben Turner and James 'Jazza' McPake, meanwhile, took in a game of tennis to aid their recovery from their respective long-term knee and back injuries.

Both report that they are on schedule for the start of the new season with Turner having sat out of a few of the early sessions due to a bout of tonsillitis. But the pair appear in good spirits and in determined mood as they look to get back to full fitness.

As well as competing for a centre-back spot this term, Turner was also keen to take the honours on court and talked a mean first serve, only for Murphy to suggest that he follows it up with an impressive under arm second.

Elsewhere, some of the younger boys hit the beach where they enjoyed a dip in the sea and session of keepy-uppies on the sand. The returning Conor Thomas - who had a loan spell with Liverpool's reserves last season - has looked sharp in training and, with Aron Gunnarsson set to move to pastures new, will see himself moving up the midfield pecking order and with a real chance to impress.

Completing the trio of beach boys was young goalkeeper Lee Burge and defender Cyrus Christie who can play at centre-back or right-back - although given City's strength in depth in the middle of the back four, and his age, he is more likely to be groomed to provide cover for Jordan Clarke and Richard Keogh at full-back in the short term.

On arrival at the team's Vale do Lobo resort the manager's travel bag with all his civilian clothes went missing, presumed lost or stolen in transit somewhere between the carousel at Faro Airport and City's vast hotel complex.

Given the logistics of moving so many bags, cases and crates belonging to a large travelling group, it's easy to see how such a mishap could occur.

Various search parties had been dispatched without success, leaving Thorny forced to wear standard issue City training kit for the first two and a half days and nights, including two five-star dinners.

"You ********!" he muttered under his breath as his sniggering medics bowed their heads trying to suppress their laughter for fear of the finger of blame falling their way.

"There are 28 of them in the frame for this one," said the City boss who quipped that it was the best dressed scarecrow he'd ever seen and safe in the knowledge that retribution would be sweet, before reminding them that he wasn't just a master of practical jokes during his Crazy Gang days, he invented them.

And like all true acts of revenge, he clearly plans a long and agonising pay-back, which appeared to start with him running the players into the ground - including poor Richard Wood who was celebrating his 26th birthday - secretly hoping one or two might be sick.

But they are a fit bunch this lot, and determined to mask the pain that they've been used to on countless pre-seasons, even if they are hurting inside.

There is, of course, time for fun and time for work, and the players are certainly doing that in the sizzling Algarve sunshine which left the likes of Gary McSheffrey and David Bell cooling off Ninja-style with ice cool strips of towelling tied round their foreheads and only too willing to strike a pose for Telegraph snapper Joe Bailey who, it has to be said, was gutted to have missed chairman Ken Dulieu attempting keepy-uppies for a few fleeting seconds before realising that his best playing days are well behind him.

He was, however, in suitable attire for the session, having turned up in his changed sky blue training top and navy shorts to match the staff.

The sprawling five star location is a millionaire's playground or, in the case of City chairman Ken Dulieu, a millionaire's back yard.

The club chief's Portuguese home literally overlooks the training pitch that has been graced by the likes of Real Madrid and Manchester United over the years. In the hotel lobby hangs a photograph of Sir Alex Ferguson's charges from a few years ago with Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville the unlikely front runners in a collective sprint session while national hero Ronaldo and Roy Keane follow up in the rear.

The Sky Blues are now being put through their paces on those very same playing fields under the watchful eye of the chairman who, accompanied by his two black Labradors, patrolled the perimeter of the pitch sporting a club training top customised with his initials.

As for Andy Thorn's 22-man squad, they certainly appeared to be in good spirits on day one of their week-long training camp where they combined plenty of ball work with rigorous exercise designed to get them in tip-top condition for the start of the season.

The likes of Sammy Clingan looked fit and sharp, and it is always a good sign to see the ball bulge the back of the net from a ferocious left footer, while Gary McSheffrey thumped one in off the post and Freddy Eastwood beat new goalkeeper Chris Dunn with a long-range shot of bullet-like accuracy.

Young Dunn is an imposing figure, standing at 6ft 4 inches tall and is rooming with fellow recruit Joe Murphy who is a down to earth Dubliner with the accent to match.

The free transfer from Scunthorpe has just become the proud father of baby Joseph, his first child who was born two weeks ago, and admitted to feeling a little jaded following the little fella's arrival, and hopes to catch up on plenty of sleep during the players' down time at the hottest part of the day before reporting for the second session as the temperature cools.

There are 34 populated places on earth named Bristol, most in the United States, but also in Peru, Canada, Jamaica, Barbados, and Costa Rica. Which is it?

Which one d'ya think my 'andsome?

The rough one? You know, the place most people bypass on the M5 on their way down to Devon and Cornwall for their holidays or, in the unfortunate event of having to go to Wales, chuck a right over the Severn Bridge.

I'll have you know we're twinned with Bordeaux, the home of fine wine.

Yeah, and some place in Nicaragua. What's next, downtown Tripoli?

I'll have you know Bristol was a finalist for the 2008 European Capital of Culture.

You mean the one that was awarded to... errr... Liver...pool. Sorry, I need to check my facts. That can't be right.

Bristol was selected as one of the world's top ten cities for 2009 by international travel publishers Dorling Kindersley in their Eyewitness series of guides for young adults.

Ha, ha, ha, tell me another one. I know the city has been a hotbed of comedy talent over the years but I didn't realise you did stand-up.

We have a rich and vibrant cultural history despite the struggles and adversity of the war years.

Oh don't preach to me about the war. No-one copped for it worse than us pal.

Bristol's city centre suffered severe damage from Luftwaffe bombing during the Bristol Blitz. The rebuilding of the city centre was characterised by large, cheap 1960s tower blocks, brutalist architecture and expansion of roads.

Oh... well, that changes things slightly. Maybe an apology is in order. I completely and totally empathise with you m' bab. You should see what they did to our place - the council that is, not the Nazis.

Well now we've found some common ground, what do you reckon to our big news this week?

What, that Louis Carey is out for eight weeks with a fractured skull?

Ah, I see what you did there. Common ground indeed, you really are a wag. Take my advice mate, stay where you are, you'll never fill it! And whatever you do, make sure you own it otherwise you'll never have a pot to... well, you know what I am saying. Next thing you know they'll start hiring Tweet maniacs and experts in kidnap and ransom. Where will it all end?

In tears my love, in tears.

Let's lighten the mood, tell me about that comedy hotbed you've got down your way.

Among our famous funny sons are Justin Lee Collins, Lee Evans, Russell Howard, and Stephen Merchant.

Very impressive, any more?

Our University of Bristol graduates include magician and psychological illusionist Derren Brown; the satirist Chris Morris; Simon Pegg and Nick Frost of Spaced, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and Matt Lucas and David Walliams of Little Britain fame.

Didn't your full-back Nicky Hunt star as a Zombie extra in Shaun of the Dead, or am I getting him mixed up with his performance at Leeds the other week when he single handedly managed to turn what was heading for a well-earned point into a 3-1 defeat.

Put it this way, I don't think he's flavour of the month and despite our major defensive crisis, he ain't got a cat in hell's chance of starting against your Sky Blues.

Shame! Anyway, if your lot were a band who would they be and what would they play?

Ummm... how about our very own Tricky doing Strugglin' from their Maxinquaye album, which is what you lot appear to be doing with one measly win in 13.

Try your fellow 'Bristol Sound' pioneers Portishead and their 1995 ditty, Numb, which is how your lads will be feeling after our Aidy's boys do the double over them.

You said it pal - always have been and always will be.

Easy tiger, what's with the aggression? I was merely bidding you a traditional Thai greeting.

Pa! The closest you've ever come to Thailand is that time you asked your quack if they do colonic irrigation on the NHS.

Money, money, money, must be funny... in a rich man's world... ahaaaa... d,d,d,d...

All right, don't rub it in.

Not jealous are you?

Not at all. You can't buy success you know.

Want a bet. We're on a one-way ticket to the Premier League and our poor neighbours aren't going to stand in our way tomorrow.

Didn't you lose at Cardiff the other night?

A mere hiccup my friend. Prior to that we went eight games without a defeat, taking an impressive 22 points from a possible 24, which I think you'll agree is promotion form.

We're playing all right ourselves, just not getting the rub of the green.

Save the sob story sunshine, you ain't ever won at the Walkers and it's been almost ten years since you beat us in our own back yard so that puts us in serious bogey territory.

We gave you a right good game there last season.

Well, for 45 minutes I suppose. If I recall you were woeful in the first half and suddenly started to play a bit in the second and managed to scrape a point three minutes from time when Gary... umm... sorry forgotten his name scored.

Deegan!

Not yet he's not, no, because he's been out injured all season. But he's got the spirit of a pit bull, just like our lads played the other night, so watch out!

Remind me, was that in your 11th game without a win in 12? What you need is a bit of Premier League quality pal.

So tell me, who's bankrolling Yakubu's wages?

Our chairman is Vichai Raksriaksorn who is ranked as the 35th richest man in Thailand. He is the founder and CEO of King Power Duty Free and in his spare time he is an avid polo player who owns the VR Polo Club in Bangkok. He is also the president of Ham Polo Club in London.

What does he see in you lot - not exactly green welly brigade in Leicester are you?

We have one of the finest rugby clubs in the land and we're heading the same way with the footy.

And I suppose Sven's the man for the job is he?

Well... I think you could say that. You see, I think the players played a very good game the other night and were unlucky not to score. You know, Nancy always used to say the greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.

Oh yeah, that's right, Mr Personality isn't he!

Well... as Ulrika used to remind me, we have a saying in Sweden that we think that talking is silver, but being quiet is golden.

Yeah, and unless you've got millions to spend you ain't interested! Anyway, what's the secret with the ladies - it can't just be a big pay packet.

Well... as Faria will no doubt testify, I am a very generous lover, it's true.

Yuk! Spare me the gory details. Anyway, if Leicester were a band who would they be and what would they sing?

I think in the circumstances it would have to be ABBA and "The winner takes it all, the loser standing small..."

Try Roxette and Crash! Boom! Bang! which is exactly what will happen when Sven gets itchy feet and jumps ship when you don't go up.

Ah yes, a welcome return for the side the super Sky Blues comprehensively dumped out of the FA Cup a few weeks ago. I've got to be honest mate, we're desperate for a win and we could do with an easy game to get back on track.

There are no easy games in this league pal, you should know that. And anyway, we beat you at our place in November so I make it 1-1 and all to play for.

Hmm... That would be the game in which, as the saying goes, we was robbed. Our Sheffers went to hit a ball out off one of your lads from the halfway line and it somehow made it's way back to the keeper whereupon the ref inexplicably decided it was a backpass and promptly awarded a free-kick from six-yards out, from which Palace scored.

Good decision that, don't know what all the fuss was about.

And then, to add insult to injury, our Woody was penalised for committing a foul outside the box that, again, somehow ended up being seen as in the box and thus awarded your lot with a second goal on a plate.

Good ref that Pat Miller.

We were all over you that day - talk about injustice! Anyway, I hear you are bringing a few mates with you tomorrow - what's all the fuss about given you only bought three blokes and a border collie up here for the cup tie?

It's our inaugural Palace on Tour day.

What's that then, can't afford a holiday this year?

We have decided that each season we will pick one game where we try to rally the troops and give a good turnout for the lads. We are aiming for about 2,000 to 2,500 in terms of travelling fans but I don't think it is beyond the realms of possibility to think that we could get up to between 3,500 and 4,000.

Well, fair play, out of the 23 Championship clubs to choose from you picked the mighty Sky Blues. So what swung it then, was it the fine facilities at the Ricoh Arena?

The warm welcome on your arrival?

Naaa!

Easy access from the motorway?

Not even close?

Errr.... chance to stop off at M&S to do a spot of shopping?

No, no, no. We looked at the form table and your horrible lot are rock bottom. Can't buy a win - come to think of it couldn't afford to buy one if you wanted to from what I hear - so we thought, let's get up there to the place we are most likely to get three big ones.

What with your form - remind me, aren't you fourth from bottom?

Ah yes, but Dougie is leading the revival and we are unbeaten in the last four, having won one and drawn three.

Yeah but your away record is dreadful. You've only managed one Championship win all season and that was back in October. You've scored a measly 11 on your travels but shipped a growing total of 35.

You'll see a very different side to the one that lost last month, I can assure you of that. Our Dougie has gone back to basics and tightened things up.

You mean he's coming here to park the bus then. The old Micky Adams' tactics eh! I suppose it worked for him once.

Did you see he got the dreaded vote of confidence this week? To be honest I'm surprised your man hasn't had one yet after ten games without a win. You know how twitchy these chairmen get these days.

Nah, our board are too busy selling the family silver and falling out with themselves to worry about how the manager's doing.

Oooh yes, I read about that. Talk about brown stuff hitting the fan. So how did the owners take it - bet that Kanye bloke wasn't best pleased.

Dunno, no-one's ever seen him.

Kanye West most likely to sing: "Now I ain't sayin' you a gold digger, you got needs..."
SISU's Onye Igwe most likely to sing anything from the rapper's latest album "Watch the Throne".

Adu m' Bluenose babby!

Alroit aar kid, noyse ta meet ya. Where ya from, Acucks Groin?

Nah, Cuventroy.

Oh ahrr... went there on the buzz once, had a mooch around and then popped in the booza where this arf soaked fella started garrin on me wick so I decked him and went oam early.

Ark at you! Anyroad, how's yer season gooin'?

Bostin! Wem-ber-ley, Wem-ber-ley! We're gooin' to win the cup, we're gooin to win the cup, and yow ain't gonna believe it.

Bit premature aren't you, it's only the fourth round.

Not the FA Cup mucka, the Carlin' Cup. We dumped West Ham - and our former owners, Davids Gold and Sullivan - out the semis this week to book our place in the final against Arsenal. Me poor cocka is a Hammers' fan and wor bawlin' all night so I went dowen the shop to gerrim a bag of suck to cheer 'im up.

I'm sorry, I can't keep up this charade any longer. I haven't got the foggiest what you are talking about and it doesn't surprise me given that a recent poll claimed Brummagem was the least intelligent accent in the UK, scoring lower than complete silence.

Got me cousin some sweets ya daft apeth.

One commentator said Blues were short of ideas and lacking inspiration in the first half and looked doomed when Avram Grant put on his lucky scarf for the start of the second.

Yo cor ever write uz off, so watch out.

So how's Scotty Dann getting on?

Not good to be honest, his hamstring went twang and he ended up in the horsepickle.

What sort of side will your gaffer be putting out tomorrow then?

What do you make of the big 'lino-gate' scandal this week?

I day know what all the fuss is abut, the off-side rule is simple aynit and based on the basic premise that the opposition should go and play up their own end.

So you don't understand it then. I'll get ahrr Sian to explain it to you, but I was actually referring to the sexist storm.

Ahrr, me misses wore talkin' to a wench in the Jockey abut it - something about Andy Gray. I never loiked 'im anyroad, played fur the Villa ya know.

Tell me something interesting about your club.

We last won the League Cup in 1963...

Yes, yes, yes, but I want more interesting than that. Who's your mascot?

Beau Brummie the dog, named after Beau Brummell, the arbiter of men's fashion in Regency England and friend of the Prince Regent. His style was 'dandyism' and he's credited with introducing suits with cravats as everyday wear.

Sounds a bit of a ponce to me, but reminds me of a joke.
Brummie walks into a tailors...
"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."
The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"
Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars."

Mind yer cake hole buddy or I'll set the Zulus on you.

The what!?

It's our firm, so watch it!

Pah, they don't scare me. What's the difference between a brummie and a Jumbo Jet?
A Jumbo Jet stops whining when it lands in Malaga.

I'm warning you!

Anyone famous from up your end, other than Jasper Carrott?

Adrian Chiles, Black Sabbath, Duran Duran, Cat Deeley and, err... Barbara Cartland!

Blues fans most likely to say: "I day go up St Andrew's much but any chance of gettin' me a ticket for the final?"

Bit short for a member of Her Majesty's Secret Service aren't you?

Eh... I'm 5 ft 8 pal, and less of the cheek.

Ha, you wish! So how's the family?

What's it got to do with you?

Sorry, only asking. It's called being polite where we come from. Thought perhaps that now you've got a job back home you might be kipping at Uncle Fester's until you get a place sorted.

Look, who are yer?

No, that's my line.

Get to the point, I've got a busy schedule. I've only been in the job just over a week and I want to get out on the training field with the lads and go through a few tactics for Saturday.

Well that won't take long will it? The old 'park the bus' drill you've talked about this week is not exactly rocket science is it? Score first and shut up shop - I can't wait for this game!

Who did you say you were?

I didn't. Let's just say I represent the fine establishment that is the Coventry Telegraph.

I'll tell you the same I told that sports reporter - what's his name... ummm... 'Scoop' was what we called him - the first day I met 'im.

That's original! So what pearls of wisdom did you offer?

I told him straight, I said, and I quote, 'I don't read your effin' newspaper and I don't care what you put in your effin' newspaper!'

Hmmm... I take it you didn't get off on the right foot then?

I'm not here to get off on the right foot with anyone. It's my way or the highway!

Quite the one man, rootin' tootin' dictator aren't you? Small man syndrome is the technical term. So do you want to know what the lads on the desk called you?

If I must.

You've lost me.

...And His Best Friend Corky - do you not watch Milkshake in the mornings. Check it out, it's brilliant and a very good likeness - 8.25am every weekday on Channel Five.

Are you takin' the...

Micky? Yes. So I hear you and your right-hand man have been reunited for the first time since you got the bullet from the Ricoh. Strange really because he is quite a nice bloke, or is it a case of the old 'good cop, bad cop' routine?

He's a top bloke who can coach a bit too, which is handy for me.

I heard you and Corky were a bit militant in your day and supported the steel workers and miners in the '80s and the Telegraph reporters during their strike in the naughties.

Yep, that's right we pledged our support and Scoop went up in our estimations because of it.

Didn't put your hand in your pocket when we had a whip round for the strike fund though did you - typical Yorkshireman!

Well I never forgave him for scuppering the Franny Jeffers' deal.

Tell me more.

Well, he got wind that I was about to sign him and instead of waiting for official confirmation from the club he went and blabbed with a big exclusive on the back page. Next thing Mark Hughes - who was Blackburn boss at the time - nips in and gazumps us.

Ha, ha, ha... so what you are saying is that Sparky picked up his copy of the Cov Telewag and thought, 'hang on a minute, I didn't know he was available, I'll go and get him myself.' I think you'll find that what really happened was that the former Everton starlet took one look at the training ground, decided it was a dump and got the heck out. And anyway, you should have thanked the lad for doing the story because he did you a favour. Not exactly set the world alight has he? After a failed spell at Rovers and Sheffield Wednesday he is currently plying his trade Down Under.

Bottle Top Bill most likely to say at half-time: "Right lads, we've got our noses in front now let's have ten men behind the ball and make like a bus."
Micky Adams most likely to say at half-time: "Don't worry Mrs Whistlehead, we'll catch the Great Wild Woolly."

Pleased to make your acquaintance I'm sure, Sam's the name.

Play it once Sam, for old times' sake.

I don't know what you mean, Miss Alice.

Play it, Sam. Play "Come on Come on, Sky Blue Army... "

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine!

Sam, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I thought it was Louis.

It was, it's called artistic licence.

Oh right... OK.

This could be the stuff that dreams are made of...

Woah, woah, woah! Artistic licence is one thing but you can't suddenly start quoting from The Maltese Falcon. Anyway, are you coming on to me?

Might be... I like a man with a good appetite - something to grab hold of.

Hang on there what about Pete The Eagle, you remember, your other half?

I won't tell if you don't.

How dare you suggest such improper conduct! Dirty bird! Don't you think we're in enough trouble with that ridiculous Deepdale Duck being frog-marched out of the ground by stewards the other day for trying to put off Derby keeper Stephen Bywater as he faced a penalty. He's dragged the good name and reputation of honest, upstanding and law abiding mascots through the gutter.

Rubbish, and you're a fine one to talk about moral fibre. In keeping with my old flame Captain Blade from Bramall Lane I'm going to show solidarity and stage a half time protest at the Ricoh tomorrow - FREE THE PRESTON ONE! FREE THE PRESTON ONE!

OK so we need a break from the league and a good cup run could be the perfect tonic to turn our season around.

I know how you feel darlin', my lot can't buy a win either. They seem to be in free-fall while everyone around us is on the up.

Same old story is it - get to Christmas and the bubble's burst?

Yeah, depressing isn't it?

Cheer up Sam, it's not that bad. It's the FA Cup, the finest competition in the world. Win and you could go through to a mouth-watering tie with one of the Premier League big guns.

Yeah, or an exotic trip to Brentford. Mind you, a draw would be the worst possible result because it would mean a midweek trip back to your place.

Even a defeat wouldn't be so bad. I bet you could do with a day off in the next round after all the hours you've put in over Christmas.

So tell me, why did they sack George?

String of indifferent results culminating in a 3-0 thumping at Millwall, which never goes down well in these parts.

So what chance has Dougie got?

Not a hope in ... lovely lad and all that but no experience. Zippy has got more chance of being short-listed than him.

I understand he's available, although I imagine a bit dusty, and rusty for that matter. He could be good for you - fellow performer and all that, you might get better working conditions and pay. So who are they eyeing up?

A few have been mentioned including Coppell, Hughton and Sousa.

What about Cookie?

Na, he was interviewed in the summer when Burley got it.

So if Palace were a band or musical artist, who would they be and what would they play?

Being the bird of prey that I am, how about Bette Midler singing Wind Beneath My Wings.

Don't think so Tweetie Pie, try The Birdie Song with its maddening tune that induced displays of appalling dancing in the 1980s and has since been voted as the most annoying song of all time.

Right back at ya - yaki da m'bab.

We've been waiting 67 days and 17 and half hours for this one.

Woah there my friend, what's with all the pent up aggression?

Sorry, just wound up by your lot. Can't stand being done over like we were at the Ricoh in October. Leaves a bad taste you know, what with Bothroyd popping up with the winner at the death like that. We owe you big time and boy are your lads are gunna get it.

Can I point out at this juncture that your so-called Iceman's suspended and he won't be doing anything for three games. Two-footed tackle wasn't it? Ouch, maybe our Jay had it right about you bully boys. In fact, I'll make some inquiries about borrowing the rugby posts from The Arms Park.

Don't get me started on that great Tweet twit. Like our Aidy said, change a vowel and you've got what he is!

Twut?

Very droll I'm sure. So tell me, how's that miserable muppet of a manager of yours?

I'm glad you brought that up because I was wondering if you could do us another favour.

What's that then?

Well, last time see you really wound our Jonesy up. Not only did your local footy writer expose him as a dictaphone dictator - you remember, he's fallen out with the local press down here and got into the habit of turning off any dictaphones of reporters he suspects of sneaking them into conferences. Anyhow, since your lad embarrassed him so publicly, he's stopped doing it.

Oh, right, well, we're glad to be of service.

What's more, between you, me and the sheep pen, he's under a bit of pressure down here. The fans are turning on him and three points for the Sky Blues could just be the result to see him out the door.

Look, I know he's not exactly Mr Popular but his team are third from top and looking good for promotion aren't they?

Blimey, that's a bit rich isn't it with his recent track record, but totally brilliant. I love it! So what happened?

Our press boys gave it to him both barrels. In his post-match assessment - at which they had planted a dictaphone to secretly record it just like they did with your lad's help at the Ricoh - Jonesy claimed he couldn't "pin-point where things had gone wrong". Well, our Tel pointed out a few home truths, namely that for a bloke earning £750,000 a year plus bonuses and flash company car, he flippin' well ought to be able to pin-point what went wrong.

Nice one! Like it, like it!

Anyway, the South Wales Echo's message board was bombarded with angry comments from fans agreeing with Tel - who I have to say has been particularly harshly treated in this whole sorry episode - and they have been on the gaffer's back ever since.

What's your form been like?

Woeful! We've only won one game in the last seven, picking up a measly five points. Confidence is shot to pieces and we're there for the taking, so tell Marlon to get his shooting boots on because he could have a field day.

Any more scandal?

Oh, just the usual, Bellamy falling out with everyone, including the gaffer.

Now there's a surprise. Tell me more.

You'll like this one. We lost at QPR a few weeks back and Neil Warnock told everyone that he had heard Bellamy and Jonesy bawling at each other in the dressing rooms after the final whistle.

Anyway, how's Dame Katherine?

Sorry, who?

Jenkins man, Jenkins.

Oh right, umm... what's that got to do with anything?

Look, I know she's not from Cardiff, but Neath is close enough.

Bluebirds' fans most likely to sing during the game: "Time to... Say Goodbye..."
Bluebirds' fans most likely to sing when Jonesy gets the boot: "Hallelujah..."

No, no, no, you must have that wrong. We have a long association with a string of royal figures from throughout history.
Name one!

Errr... umm...
That's right, I think the closest you come to royal connections is Reading-born actress Natalie Dormer who played the ill-fated queen, Anne Boleyn, in The Tudors.

Try Kate Middleton - get in!
She's not royal... not yet anyway, and her engagement to William last month hardly constitutes a rich history does it?

We are mentioned in the Domesday Book.
Oh really, and if I recall correctly, the English Civil War left Reading in 'a miserable condition with hardly a sheep, hen, hog, oats, wheat or any other thing for man or beast to feed upon,'.

That Black Death was a nasty business too, so you see we have had it hard over the years.
Hmmm... and things haven't improved much have they? According to a 2007 poll in Readers' Digest, Reading was named the worst place for families to live in Britain.

That's a bit harsh isn't it? We are known for many fine and varied things.
Ah yes, the three Bs - beer, bulbs and biscuits.

Look, I'll have you know Simonds brew a nice pint, Suttons make fine seeds and Hartley and Palmers make a cracking custard cream.
Tell me about your not so fine history in football.

Yeah, string a few wins together and you get all giddy. Face facts, you are hardly convincing are you? Lump it long, get your noses in front and defend for the rest of the game, not like our free-flowing total football at the Madejski. And as you found out to your cost last season, we are more than capable of ripping your lot apart. Remind me, wasn't it 3-0 down inside 39 minutes back in April?
Who do you think you are QPR? Fake Hoops, that's who you are!

How dare you insult us like that. They're the fake Hoops.
Is that why you ditched them in the mid-60s and changed your strip to all sky blue following the fashion introduced by Coventry City?

You're making it up!
Any famous Readingums?

Jane Austen, Irwin Sparkes of The Hoosiers, Chris Tarrant, Hi-de-Hi jockey Felix Bowness and, err, American actor Stacy Keach once served six months in Reading Prison for smuggling cocaine into the UK.
So if Reading FC was a band or popular hit combo, who would they be and what would they sing?

Our very own home grown Chemical Brothers and Surrender, which is what your lot will be doing when Jimmy and Jobi have finished with you.
How about anything by King Pleasure and the Biscuit Boys?

Scunthorpe United, formed in 1889 when they were known as Scunthorpe and Lindsey.

You have a woman's name my lord! - Any old iron, any old iron, any old, any old iron, you look sweet... d, d, d, d...

We are the highest placed Football League club in our fair county of Lincolnshire.

Hmm... not too difficult given Lincoln City are the only other one. So what can you tell me about your neck of the woods, or as Greenpeace put it, a toxic hot spot due to the fact that according to the Environment Agency it is home to one of the biggest polluting businesses in the country.

We are one of the least ethnically diverse counties in the UK.

So that's why you are all called Yellow Bellies, or Yeller Bellies, as pronounced by your typical local cabbage crunchers and farmers.

No, that is derived from the 10th Regiment of Foot, more latterly the Lincolnshire Regiment, who used to wear yellow waistcoats as identification on the battlefield.

Are you sure, sounds like the English equivalent to rednecks to me.

How dare you? I'll have you know we have many fine and proud traditions.

What, like that your front doors are used for only three things: a new baby, a bride and a coffin?

If you have quite finished with the insults, can we focus on the football.

Go on then, I could do with a laugh. So what's your home form like this season?

You are doing this deliberately now. Look, it's not the best but we've done your lot on the two occasions we have had the misfortune to cross swords at our place in recent years.

Come on, spit it out, what is it? Worst home record in the division with six defeats and one measly win against Palace.

OK, for some reason we seem to play better away from Glanford Park, having won five times on our travels.

So who exactly is responsible for this dreadful state of affairs?

Our manager is Mr Baraclough.

Ah yes, former screw at HM Prison Slade, a timid and sympathetic character who believes in rehabilitation rather than punishment - not really management material is he?

Yeah, that's what I said, he's nervous about being among all those cons but insists that's nothing compared to the prospect of being at home with his wife. Do you remember when he sent Fletcher for a medical? You know, when he was suffering from the same problem as your strikers. It went like this:
Medical Officer: Suffer from any illness?
Fletch: Bad feet!
MO: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
Fletch: Only with my bad feet!
MO: Are you now or have you at any time been a practicing homosexual?
Fletch: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?

Oh very funny I'm sure.

So how's he going to solve this little problem of home form then?

Well, he actually admitted last week that he's seriously considering organising an overnight stop at a local hotel and getting the team bus to drive them the couple of miles to the stadium to recreate the away day feel.

Ha! Brilliant! But who's going to pay for it, not exactly flush are you?

I'll have you know our chairman, Steve Wharton, has a personal fortune worth £33 million from his family shipping business. It's a heart warming story, his father gave him £50 of Scunthorpe shares when he was four.

Yeah and that's not far off how much he has shelled out. The clue is in the word 'personal' - he's obviously not stupid. Let's face it, you're on the slippery slope.

We may be the bookies' favourites for the drop, but what do they know? We were favourites last year along with Blackpool and look what happened to them.

I'd call Chad if I were you.

Who?

Chad Varah, founder of the Samaritans, he's from round your way. Any other famous or, indeed, infamous figures from your patch?

Jennifer Saunders, Geoff Capes, song writer Bernie Taupin, serial killer from the 1940s John George Haigh, otherwise known as the Acid Bath Murderer, and err... Abi Titmuss.

Ah yes, strange place. It's where you serve pie and mushy peas in a pudding bowl and expect people to eat it with a spoon. Oh, and fancied yourselves in the big time but are back where you belong now.

I'll have you know we have spent most of our history in the top two divisions.

Yeah, but what have you ever won?

The FA Cup.

Mmmm... we've done that, back in 1987 when your lot were hanging on to their league status by the skin of their teeth. At the wrong end of the old Fourth Division, it went to the last game of the season when you managed to scrape a win and still had to rely on Lincoln losing. So when did your lot lift the Cup?

1914. It was historic because King George V became the first reigning monarch to make the presentation to the winning captain.

Ancient history more like.

All right clever clogs, we have been Football League Champions twice, once in 1921 and again in 1960.

So why do you play in claret and sky blue when you originally played in green?

Errr... dunno.

I'll tell you why, because you copied Aston Villa who were - and believe me it pains me to say this - the most successful club at the time, which, to be fair was back in 1910. Anyway, any controversy?

Not that I know of.

So the name Jack Hillman doesn't mean anything to you?

Nope!

Let me enlighten you. Heading for relegation in 1900, your then goalkeeper attempted to bribe Nottingham Forest who were your opponents in the last match.

Look, why are you dragging up all this old stuff?

You started it with your bloomin' Cup win at a time when everyone else preparing to trudge off to war.
So tell me, what do you put your particularly impressive away record down to - remind me, is it one away win in the last 30 or none at all?

So what's the game plan, ten players behind the ball and go for your seventh stalemate away from home - assuming you can keep them all on the field of course.

We may have finished three of our Championship trips with ten men but we're not a dirty side, not like your lot. Got those rugby posts up yet?

What you talkin' about?

It was on Twitter.

They have Twitter in Burnley? Amazing what they can do with technology these days. Anyway any celebrity fans?

Alastair Campbell, former MD of the Daily and Sunday Sport newspapers Tony Livesey and err... Bertie Bee.

Isn't Bertie Bee just a mascot?

No, he became particularly well known when he rugby tackled a streaker who had evaded stewards and later appeared on that dreadful excuse of a TV sports quiz, They Think It's All Over.

What about his side-kick Stan the Pie Man?

Not been seen since Holland's Pies pulled the plug on their shirt sponsorship deal.

Any notable people from your wet and grimy county?

Shameless screenwriter Paul Abbott and actress Alice Barry who played Chatsworth estate madam, Lillian, in the aforementioned comedy drama set in your neck of the woods.

So if Burnley were a band who would they be and what would they sing?

Umm... our very own Chumbawamba and Tubthumping - I get knocked down but I get up again.

How about Lancashire bad boys Oasis singing Cigarettes and Alcohol?

Frank Gallagher's team talk: "A pint and two Es all round and let's get out there and paarrty!"

Mickey Maguire's team talk: "Right lads, let's get out there, kick ass and get back in and hit the showers!"