Do you find yourself putting up with way too many things than are good for you?

Consider many of the minor annoyances and inconveniences that weave their way into your daily life.

Do any of these resonate with you?

An annoying co-worker, business partner or employee who just rubs you up the wrong way with their trivial banter or their moaning?

Do you regularly mislay your car keys and cannot find them when you need them in a hurry?

Do you have an intermittent throbbing tooth that just won’t completely go away?

Do you often search high and low for two socks that match or having hair that won’t comb the way you want it? Do you have a long-time squeaking door hinge that drives you mad? Do your kids consistently tell you they don’t like what you cooked them?

Or what about a neighbour who insists on honking his car horn when he leaves home at 6:00am every morning? What about being 20 pounds too heavy leaving you feeling sluggish? Or maybe you have an overwhelming email inbox?

Are You Sweating The Big Stuff?

Of course, you might also be tolerating some much bigger stuff. Here we are talking about things like allowing yourself to be pressured to do things that conflict with some of your core values, or putting up with an unsatisfying relationship, or habitually going to a job you quietly loathe.

Do any of these make your list of things you are putting up? You know which things would make your list.

Tolerations

These things, big or small, are what we call your “tolerations”. They are the things you put up with because they either don’t seem important enough to make a big fuss about or, in the case of the bigger ones, you want to be rid of tolerating them but you just don’t know how.

Most of us put up with so many things that do not serve us but that we are not even consciously aware of. We habituate to these things and then just stop noticing them most of the time… but they can take a huge toll on our well being and our enjoyment of life.

Much Ado About Nothing… Or Is It?

While it may be true that, individually, these things don’t seem too problematic, when you add them together and repeat regularly, the cost in time and energy lost is not inconsiderable. In many instances, they have a significant health and/or financial cost too.

In short, the aggregate of your “tolerations” can cause a seriously negative impact on your effectiveness and your overall happiness.

So, if you recognized any of the things from the list above and, deep down, you want to be rid of them, then let’s do something about them.

8-Step Process To Cleaning Up Your Tolerations

This simple, yet powerful 8-step process will help you drop many of the things that you currently put up with that sap your energy and drive. It will free up your energy and provide you with the motivation to focus on the truly important things in your life.

The big question is, do you know just how much you are actually tolerating? Let’s take a closer look.

Step 1: Create Your List

You’ve got to get clear about what you are tolerating before you can do something about it.

So, the first task is to create a list of the things that you are putting up with.

Look at your home and work life. Within these areas, think about the people, situations, problems, material objects, equipment, yours and other people’s habits. Make the list long and varied and your target is to come up with a list of 100 or more. (If you come up with less than 20 (twenty) things I know you’re not trying hard enough ).

Also, make sure to include even those things you assume you cannot do anything to change.

At this stage do not judge, analyze, rationalize or edit anything… that can come later. Just get the ’stuff’ out onto paper or computer.

Just becoming aware of these things can be enough of a catalyst to make changes you need. So, don’t discount anything that comes to mind, just jot it down and move on to the next item.

Don’t get overly concerned with the question of which of the ‘tolerations’ you are going to get rid of. Rather, just concentrate on constructing your list of ‘tolerations’ .

Step 2: Identify The Costs.

Now it’s time to review your list.

Against each “toleration” item you wrote, identify the cost of this putting up with it. Is it sapping your energy? Is it costing you time or money… two vital resources better deployed elsewhere? Is it negatively affecting your relationship or your career or business? There may be multiple costs on many of the things you listed. If so, note them down.

Step 3: Identify the Benefits

Now consider whether there are any benefits to each “toleration”. Let’s assume that there would have been a benefit at some point to putting up with these things. In many cases, people continue putting up with something through habit even though the original benefit no longer exists.

The “benefits” might include wanting to avoid a confrontation, or wanting to be approved of or being seen as a “nice person”, or not having the money to handle it before now, or it being a lot of effort.

Look at each of your tolerations and ask, “Is there a benefit to continue in putting up with this?”

Step 4: Know Your Reasons

Making changes and breaking habits is often not easy. Having a powerful reason for making a change will set yourself up for success. So here, you greatly aid your cause by identifying the reason you want to make a change. That is, get really clear about why you are no longer prepared to put up with this.

(Tip: Refer back to the “costs” of continuing to put up with this toleration and what you will gain by being free of it.)

Step 5: Take Your Pick

Now you can do one of a number of things to make some changes.

If you want to tackle the biggies first then highlight the ones that you feel are the most urgent, or that you think will have the most positive impact or the most leverage in your life.

If you want to ease into making changes more gently so you can get your energy and confidence going, then pick a few quick, easy looking ones and commit to immediately stopping tolerating them.

Step 6: Take Action

Now decide how you’re going handle the tolerations you’ve highlighted. What actions are you going take?

You might be surprised by how quickly you can take an action that will start the change process. For example, you might want to immediately pick up the phone and call for that dental appointment to check out your throbbing tooth. Or you could grab a pen and add “oil” to your shopping list to get rid of that door squeak. Or grab a pen and paper and brainstorm all the jobs you would love to do.

Some tolerations can be removed with one action, some take a series of actions. The thing is to act and by taking some action you will feel a positive shift in your energy level. You can then build on this and energy begets energy. And it can be addictive, as you see those tolerations drop away and feel the weight that you’ve been carrying lift off you.

Step 7: Congratulate Yourself

Congratulate yourself on each toleration that you remove, no matter how seemingly small.

Every victory counts and notice how your energy increases. In some cases the energy shift will be subtle, at other times the change will be exhilarating as you jettison those big energy sapping things that have previously held you back for so long.

The best way of witnessing these changes is to record them, say in a journal. That way you can look back and get an extra thrill by seeing your progress over a period of time. Reviewing your victories in your journal will further enhance your energy levels and motivate you to remove even more energy draining and time wasting tolerations.

Step 8: Rinse and Repeat

Do this process regularly and you’ll have cleaned up your tolerations in quick time leaving you with a new sense vigour and shine to your life.

So, what have you been putting up with for way too long and what are you going to do about it?

[Image courtesy of fuzzysaurus]

“Stop Whining… Get A Grip!”

Do you ever find yourself saying this (or at least thinking it) when you’re listening to someone telling you about their life?

Go on, admit it. I bet you know someone who is constantly blaming other people and outside circumstances for their own failings. And then you just wish you had not asked them the question, “Hi, how’s it going?”

Or even worse, are people saying this to you? If not, is it possible that they might be thinking it about you?

If you’re in any doubt about the answer, then chew on this scenario.

When you get asked about how your life is going, do you say “Excellent!”, “Wonderful!” or “Fantastic!”? Or do you seize this opportunity to bemoan the state of your pitiful existence? Do you list an array of problems, issues and difficulties that have befallen you that have conspired to trip you up, get in your way or generally mess your life up?

The List

Can you recall saying to people stuff like:

“If I had more luck, things would be different”
“If I had more money, my life would be great”
“It’s these damn politicians who are to blame”
“What can I do, it’s the state of the economy”
“My partner/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/boss/pet rabbit doesn’t support me”
“I’m too young”
“I’m too old”
“I didn’t have the right upbringing”
“People aren’t spending these days”
“I have lazy employees”
“If only …. Blah, blah, blah, yackety, yackety, yak …”

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

The “Merchants of Blame”

If this sounds like you then change the tape, you’re on a loop to nowhere. You’re simply setting yourself up for a crap existence.

These statements of excuse are the typical vocabulary of what I call the “Merchant of Blame”. What these “merchants” are actually doing is blaming something or someone else for the state of their life… or at least
an aspect of it.

I’m not saying that the things listed aren’t genuine challenges but I am saying that they don’t have to dictate your response. In the case of the aforementioned “merchants”, the response is often merely inaction as they simply just resort to useless bleating and hope that others will agree.

“Let’s Get Together… Pleeeeeeeaaaase!“

Henry David Thoreau said something like “most men live lives of quiet desperation” [Of course, nowadays women are no longer excluded from this group]. The problem with the “Merchants of Blame” is that they don’t have the civility to keep quiet about their desperate lives… they want everyone to know about it.

In many instances they can find kindred spirits because “misery loves company” and “birds of a feather flock together”. So now you get informal little clubs for the “Merchants of Blame” where members get to swap blame stories and outdo each other with their woes.

Beware Of Toxic Groupies

An important side note to all this is to recognise there is an invisible power behind these misery cliques because those that don’t agree and validate their blame-game, may find themselves outside the clique. For the socially-inclined yet vulnerable person, the need for group membership (no matter whether it’s toxic) is a powerful incentive for joining the “Merchants of Blame”.

And so, the seeds of misery and desperation are sown for the wider community.

Responsibility And Ownership

But let us not despair for there is an antidote to such toxic bile. It comes in this simple formula:

Take responsibility for your own life!

That is, decide to take 100% responsibility for and ownership of whatever results you are getting in your life. Blaming other people and circumstances for how your life is going is an abdication of your own responsibility. Things sometimes happen that are beyond your control but you can always choose how you respond to these events.

By blaming others you are sending a message to your own brain that there’s nothing you can do about your circumstances… and this undermines your own power to change anything. This is victim mentality and you’re simply rendering yourself voluntarily impotent.

Reclaim Your Power

You reclaim your power and control by taking responsibility for the results you experience in life. And yes, even when it would be easier to point the finger of blame at someone or something else.

In the final analysis, you have to accept that whatever is, is… and you cannot turn the clock back.

However, it does not have to stay that way and if you want it to be different then you are the one who must do something about it. Don’t just bitch about it and sit on your behind… take some action (preferably starting with yourself and your blame-prone mindset).

Of course, I am not saying that all challenges are equal or trying to dismiss the extremely difficult circumstances some people find themselves in. No, I am not trying to belittle anyone’s life experiences.

There are obviously going to be things that are probably beyond  your control and it would be fruitless to focus on these things. For example, you cannot (easily) change your age, your parents or the economy. However, if you hide behind these things as an excuse for your failings in life, then you give away your personal power.

Change Yourself First

There are countless inspiring examples of people, from all walks of life and with all manner of supposed disadvantages, who have accomplished remarkable feats. Who says that you cannot become one of those people too?

By telling yourself that the results you are getting in life do not have to be this way, you are taking a powerful step towards bringing about a better situation in your life.

In essence, never let your circumstances consistently dictate what you can achieve and how you should feel about your life. The first step is to take control of your own thinking patterns and a useful mantra to repeat to yourself is, “If I am not part of solution then I must be part of the problem”.

Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. So for things to change, you must change first.

From Blame To Action

Going from a habit of automatically blaming others to accepting responsibility for your results is easier said than done, right? Well, here’s a useful mechanism to kick-start that change in your thinking. I call it the “From Blame To Action” exercise. Here is what you do.

Take a sheet of paper and draw out three columns. At the top of the first column write “Blame”. At the top of the second column write “Taking Responsibility” and in the third column write “My New Actions”.

In the first “Blame” column you write down what you see as all the reasons and causes of the problems you face in a given situation. You can consider your life as a whole or focus on a specific aspect of it such as your health, a relationship, your business, your career, and so on. Make sure to include as many of the people and/or things that you believe have caused this situation.

Taking Responsibility

In the second column under “Taking Responsibility” write down all the possible ways you could take responsibility for the situation you are examining. Ask yourself, “How may I have contributed towards this current situation by my thinking, the decisions I have made, or the actions I have taken?”

This second column is your opportunity to reclaim your power and take more control over your own life. This is where you need the courage to come out of your comfort zone of blaming others and step into the “stretch zone” of acknowledging your role in your current situation. This is your chance to really grow and prosper.

Your New Actions

In the third column, brainstorm all the possible actions you could take to change the results you have been getting. Don’t edit your thoughts initially, that can come later.

Firstly, allow yourself to get really creative with the possible things you could do to bring about the changes you want to experience. You will probably surprise yourself with some of your answers and, while you may dismiss them later under more scrutiny, at this stage simply have fun with the possibilities.

Allowing time in your life for creative problem-solving is a great habit to get into. In fact, the more positive outcome-oriented you become (rather than problem-focused) the better the quality of life you will experience.

If you have committed time and energy to this exercise you will now have a broader perspective to your current situation as well as having a plan of action to do something about it. In addition, you will actually feel different about your current situation. You will feel that the events and results in your life are far more under your control than you had previously recognized.

Spread The Love

So you can see how it is possible to turn negative blame into positive action. When you do this, not only will your life vastly improve, but it will also benefit everyone around you … even possibly the Merchants of Blame as you show them an alternative way of approaching the world. So “spread the love” with your positivity.

And when you’ve done this “from-blame-to-action” approach to various aspects of your life a few times, good people will notice the glow in you and look up to you as a role model and inspiration… rather than running off in the opposite direction when they see you coming their way with your black cloud in tow.

As always, remember that what you do with this information is your choice and your responsibility.

[Image courtesy of Daveynin]

Your business is not your life even though it can play a vital role in you getting the life you want.

Nor is your business your “baby”… even though you may treat it as if it is… so don’t get sentimental about this.

Here this. Babies are animate, living, breathing creatures.

Your business is merely a human-made, commercial enterprise designed to provide goods and/or services to consumers and to generate profits for its owners by creating value in the marketplace.

Most importantly to you, as the business owner, your business is a “vehicle” to get you the kind of life you truly desire.

Choose Your Business Vehicle

Taking the vehicle metaphor further, imagine you have set out on a journey with a specific destination in mind. And the journey will take a few years to get you to that destination.

Knowing that it is going to be a fairly long ride, and as you are a sensible person, you would surely choose a form of transportation that catered for your basic needs along the way.

Of course, it wouldn’t necessarily have to be luxury travel the whole way, but you would expect a decent amount of comfort.

So, armed with a set of basic criteria for your journey, you would then go in search of the appropriate vehicle that will not only get you to your destination, but will get you there safely and with you having enjoyed the journey.

Are You A Masochist?

I’ve assumed that you want the pleasures in your life to be greater than the pains … but I could be totally wrong.

It’s possible that you purposely seek out ways in life to increase your own suffering, in which case your masochistic fantasies will not be realized here. (There are plenty of websites specifically catering for such tastes … erm, at least that’s what I’ve been told )

Anyway, I’ve assumed you are sensible in that you don’t go deliberately looking for forms of travel that cause you anguish and discomfort.

As a sensible business owner, have you also ensured that your “business vehicle” is set up to get you to your destination safely and for your long journey to be mainly pleasurable?

If you are like most business owners I meet, then probably not. And the reason can usually be traced back to how you went about setting up your business in the first place.

Your Business Origins

Michael Gerber in The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It describes a person who, having worked for somebody else, then decides to go into business for themself, possibly just like you did.

This person might have been a carpenter, a mechanic, a machinist, a bookkeeper, a graphic artist, a plumber, an interior designer, a salesperson, a hairdresser, or whatever … just add your previous “job” to the list if you don’t see it here.

So whatever you were, you were a “technician” in that you were doing the technical work involved in that job. After all, that’s what you were being paid by someone else to do for them.

Then, one day, for whatever reason you decide to set up your own business. Maybe you just got tired of taking orders from someone else, or maybe you thought you could do a better job for the customers if you ran the show, or maybe you saw an opportunity of making more money if you were the boss.

Whatever the reason, you made the decision to start your own business. You had what Gerber calls an “Entrepreneurial Seizure” and you made the “Fatal Assumption” that goes with it.

The Fatal Assumption

The assumption made by “technicians” who go into business for themselves is that if you understand the technical work of a business, you understand a business that does technical work.

This is when the carpenter, or the electrician, or the plumber becomes a contractor. Or the hairdresser sets up a hair salon. Or the graphic artist starts a graphic design business. Again, just add your own business start-up story in here.

The false belief of most new business owners is that as they understand the technical work of their business then they must be inherently qualified to run a business that does that kind of work.

And that’s the fatal assumption because the technical work of a business and a business that does that technical work are two totally different things.

The Painful Truth

Now you are faced with the painful truth that, although you know very well how to do the technical aspects of your former job, it is but one element within a wide array of things involved in being a business owner. And it is all those other new “jobs” involved in running a successful business that you don’t have much of a clue about how to do.

As Gerber says, “And suddenly, an entrepreneurial dream turns into a technician’s nightmare” as the business that you hoped would set you free from the limitations of working for somebody else actually enslaves you.

What’s the alternative? How do you shake off the nightmare and live the dream?

You need to go back into your business and make the necessary changes so that your business is set up the right way. And the starting point is to get clear on how you want your life as a whole to be.

Design Your Ideal Life

Remember when you first dreamt of a new life and how having your own business could get you there?

You’ve got to go back to that type of thinking. You’ve got to put yourself and your true life desires into the limelight. That’s right, forget about your business for now. Totally put it to one side and get this bit right first. Do some soul-searching and ask yourself these questions:

• What kind of life do I want?
• What do I want to be, do and have in my life?
• What are the most important things in my life?
• What do I want to give more attention in my life to?
• If I could wave a realistic magic wand, what would my life look like, and feel like, in a year from now?
• And what about in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, or more?
• What do I want to see, feel, experience, learn during my lifetime?
• What kind of legacy do I want to leave to my family, my community, the world?
• How do I want to be remembered after my death? What do I want people to say about me?

Beware Your Inner Demons

There is a direct correlation between how much attention and focus you give to answering these sorts of questions and how seriously you take your life.

A quick word of warning here:

Don’t give into the distracting voice of your inner demons that says you’ve got more urgent things to deal with.

What could be more important than intentionally creating a rich and fulfilling life?

If you want to truly enjoy your life then you have to be proactive in making that happen. That starts with getting clear on what really matters to you and then designing your business around those things.

If your business is to become the vehicle that gets you to the life of your dreams, then it has to be given clear directions. Answering the questions above will kickstart you and your business on the right path.

Of course, simply asking and answering these questions is not a panacea for all the problems you may face in running your own business. There are many more things to take care of (and we’ll look at them in future Connective Awareness blog posts).

However, without the information about how you want your life to be, your business will be inclined to take on a sort of life of its own, leaving you zapped of energy as you merely react to situations rather than actively dictating your life’s direction.

Decision Time

Although you will not have intended it this way when you started your business, you may find yourself currently incarcerated in a prison of your own making.

If that is the case and you want to change the situation, then start right now by making the decision to have your business serve you, rather than you be its servant. Remember who is running the show here.

The next step is to put a decent amount of time aside (at least a half-day, but preferably a full day) to really reflect and answer the questions above.

Having done this you will be so much clearer about what your business has to do for you to get the life you truly desire. In the process, you will also discover a new level of energy to begin strategizing your business activities to make these “dreams” a reality.

Dig deep with the soul-searching questions and then set about shaping your business around your answers.

[Image courtesy of grafitti.freiburg]

If you are a business owner, entrepreneur or self-employed professional, how often do you reconnect with the real reason you wanted to have your own business in the first place?

In the book The 4-Hour Work Week, Tim Ferris tells a story that wonderfully illustrates the kind of blinkered thinking that often shows up when it comes to trying to create a perfect life through having your own business. I reproduce that story here and you’ll see what I mean:

An American [think any nationality, none of us are immune] businessman took a vacation to a small coastal Mexican village on doctor’s orders. Unable to sleep after an urgent phone call from the office the first morning, he walked out to the pier to clear his head. A small boat with just one fisherman had docked, and inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish.

“How long did it take you to catch them?” the American asked.

“Only a little while,” the Mexican replied in surprisingly good English.

“Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?” the American then asked.

“I have enough to support my family and give a few to friends,” the Mexican said as he unloaded them into a basket.

“But … What do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican looked up and smiled. “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Julia, and stroll into the village each evening, where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor.”

The American laughed and stood tall. “Sir, I’m a Harvard M.B.A. and can help you. You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. In no time, you could buy several boats with the increased haul. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats.”

He continued, “Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village, of course, and move to Mexico City, then to Los Angeles, and eventually New York City, where you could run your expanding enterprise with proper management.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, senor, how long will all this take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years. 25 tops.”

“But what then, senor?”

The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.”

“Millions, senor? Then what?”

“Then you would retire and move to a small coastal fishing village, where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your amigos …”

Whose Life Gets Your Vote?

If the American sounds like you, then perhaps it’s time to stop and think about the treadmill you’ve put yourself on. Working to Live, or Living to Work?

If the Mexican’s life is what you hanker after, then perhaps it’s because it represents a life of balance. It is a great example of a true “lifestyle business“.

You can clearly see a strange logic in the businessman’s perspective and it’s the kind of thinking shared by many who set up a business, with the aim of becoming “free”. But it so often turns out to the opposite way … a kind of servitude to our business. And it’s all of our own making.

Achievement, success and financial gain undoubtedly have their rewards but pursuing the American Dream of prosperity, happiness and freedom by being a slave to your business also has its drawbacks.  Often quality of life is traded for financial reward.

“Success” … At What Cost?

Many people have experienced “burnout” through the business lifestyle they have chosen for themselves. To drive the point home, burnout is said to have three interrelated components: emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and diminished personal accomplishment.

Wikipedia describes these three elements thus:

Emotional exhaustion is a chronic state of physical and emotional depletion that results from excessive job demands and continuous hassles. It describes a feeling of being emotionally overextended and exhausted by one’s work. It is manifested by both physical fatigue and a sense of feeling psychologically and emotionally “drained” … Depersonalization, also called “dehumanization”, refers to a set of callous and insensitive behaviors displayed by a worker toward a client. Diminished personal accomplishment refers to negative evaluations of the self.

When we focus on the “emotional exhaustion” element of burnout, have you considered this: At what personal cost will you continue to run your business – and your life – this way?

Do you have a personal cut-off point when it comes to putting in the effort of building a business that will set you “free”?

What rewards are you chasing and are they worth it?

Of course, the word “success” has different meanings from person to person. For some, it comes primarily in the form of money (and as much of it as possible in many cases). To others, it may be based on relationships, or health, or contribution, or whatever else is core to that person. It is usually a combination of these sorts of elements that form the “success markers” and getting the right balance between them all is the key to fulfillment.

Dare To Ponder

So, before you get back to your business, take at least a couple of moments to ponder a few questions:

• How are you defining “success”? What do you “need” to feel successful?

• Who are you being when you are at your very best?

• What would be a truly rich, fulfilling life for you? What would you see, hear and feel when you are living this way?

Having answered these, you might then want to consider how you need to structure your personal and business life to help you get you there. After all, you are the boss aren’t you?