Common Problems

Low Self-esteem

2009-06-10T16:23:00.006+07:00

Underlying many children problems is a basic feeling of low self-esteem. An extremely important determinant of behavior is how children feel about themselves. Feeling basically worthless and lacking self-respect influences their motives, attitudes, and behavior. Everything is seen from a pessimistic point of view. Parents are justifiably concerned when they see indications of low self-regard. Children should feel good about themselves, that is, they should have a basically good self-concept.

Adequacy of self-image may be assessed by answering three questions: "Who am I?", "How am I doing?" "How am I doing compared to others?" Self-worth usually is measured by performance in school, on the job, and in social relations. In an achievement oriented society, competence and relative productivity are used as an indicator of a person's value. The importance of the way children feel about themselves is reflected in a term used to refer to adults who works with children professionally - Self-esteem Specialists. It is important to note that self-esteem naturally fluctuates widely. Feeling good stems from achievement, praise, and belonging to a group. Therefore, very negative and very positive feelings towards oneself vary according to specific outcomes.

Children who lack self-confidence are not optimistic about the outcome of their efforts. They feels incapable, inferior, pessimistic, and easily discouraged. Things always seem to go wrong; these children give up easily and frequently feel intimidated. "Bad" and "helpless" are adjectives used for self-description. Frustration and anger are handled poorly and often turn into vengeful behavior against others or themselves. Unfortunately, their behavior typically leads others to view them as negatively as they see themselves. Children who feel like failures often perceive rewards given to them as due to luck or chance, not as a result of their own action. Reward is effective if children believe that it is obtained because of their characteristics and behavior. This is called "internal locus of control." Children perceive a causal relationship between their behavior and rewards. Feelings of internal control usually increase with age and achievement. Children gradually develop more self-confidence and feel more independent and free.

Reason Why

Faulty Child Rearing Practices

Overprotective. Children who are overprotected do not learn to cope for themselves, feel independent, or respect their own judgment. They often become timid and afraid of making mistakes. Parents "spoil" them by giving too much and not allowing the child to handle normal stress. These children feel very vulnerable, easily hurt, and incapable of fending for themselves. At times, some children may appear overly confident and grandiose, but under this facade is a basic lack of self-confidence.

Neglectful. When parents disregard children, they are left to their own devices. Although some may become independent and gain self-respect through approval of others, many children respond by accepting the message that they are not worth bothering about. They are physically and psychologically true since the more adults know and understand children's problems, the better the children feel about themselves.

Perfectionistic. Many parents fall into a pattern of overly high and perfectionistic expectations. They expect their children to display increasing strengths and not any weaknesses. They predictable of measuring up. These children are negatively compared, and compare themselves, to outstanding successes. Frequently, they overreact to failure and exaggerate the negative aspects of situations. Feeling unable to really succeed, they give up, procrastinate, or don't really apply themselves.

Autocratic and Punishing. Some parents communicate an aura of total power and despotic rule. Their methods are most frequently authoritarian, and punishment is employed excessively. Positive interaction and mutual respect are lacking. Children perceive themselves not worthy of high regard. The most destructive combination is when the father is demanding and authoritarian with his son. This pattern is the opposite of the use of rewards and incentives which promote high self-esteem.

Critical and Disapproving. Parental acceptance, affection, approval, understanding, and praise result in high self-regard and high striving for achievement. Rejection and criticism result in feelings of worthlessness and a "what's the use of trying" attitude. Adult blame leads to the "naughty" children act badly, confirming their image of themselves and proving to the parents that the bad label was correct. Similarly, children who are constantly told how awkward and clumsy they are often feel and act awkwardly. Their failings are always pointed out, while positive feed-back is rare or nonexistent. When a parent is highly critical of his spouse's child-rearing methods, this also fosters low self-esteem in children (as well as in the spouse). Another very powerful influence is the approval style of teachers. Students who feel that their teacher disapprove of them are low in self-regard and academic achievement and often behave badly.

Modeling

Parents who feel relatively poor self-esteem are models whom children frequently emulate. They treat children with the same lack of respect they feel for themselves. Children feel that not thinking much of yourself is natural. They imitate their parents' comments about others being more successful. The children are not growing up in an atmosphere where positive things are felt about oneself. Parents who do not strive to do their best frequently have children who behave similarly. Peers and siblings are also influenced by the way adults treat a child. The more parents or teachers express approval of a child, the more accepted he is by peers (and ultimately, by himself). Therefore, adults are literal models who display or do not display accepting behavior.

Differentness of Handicapped

Children who appear much different than others usually feel low self-esteem. They feel too ugly, short, tall, stupid, or different in some way. What often develops is anger towards oneself for being different and hatred of others for seeing them or for pointing out their differentness. Another negative experience results when total acceptance and admiration from others are unsuccessfully sought for. The same pattern occurs with handicapped children, often in a more intense manner. The physical proof of being different or not normal is always present. Feeling worthless is a direct experience that unfortunately get reinforced by negative stares or cruel comments.

Learned Irrational Beliefs

The most significant source of irrational beliefs is at home as compared to school or comunity. These beliefs then cause a variety of self-defeating behaviors. Irrationality is listed separately because of its self-sustaining power. The beliefs themselves develop from the previously described faulty child-rearing practices, modeling, and feeling very different from others. Children think to themselves statements such as, "I can't do anything right," Nothing works out for me," "I must be retarded if I can't do that," etc. They believe that they are incapable of handling new situations. When changes occur (a new baby, a geographical move, a divorce), they feel that their self-worth is threatened, are filled with self-doubt, or are paralyzed into inaction. In the early years of life, significant adult behaviors determine an individual's self-concept. being reated very badly sets the stage for low self-esteem. "Feeling inferior" is a negative, irrational belief that may be signifivant factor in the rest of a person's life.

Young children do not have the judgment and perspective that maltreatment is the adult's problem and not theirs. They have not learned to use self-talk to understand events. They cannot say, "I'm not always bad; it's my father who sees everybody as bad." Therefore, negative comments and behavior are seen by them as total indictments of their personalities.

How to prevent
What to Do

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Fearful: What to Do

2009-06-04T14:48:00.005+07:00

Desensitize and Counter-Condition

The goal is to help overly sensitive, fearful children be less sensitive or nonreactive to their areas of sensitivity. A general rule is that children become desensitized to fear when the feared object or thought is paired with anything pleasurable (counter-conditioning). It is very effective to have children play a favorite game or any fun activity while fearful. All kinds of specific fears have been eliminated by this method. A child might dress in a Batman costume and play out scenes in a dim room as a first step in overcoming fear of the dark. Hide and seek might be played in a darkened room. First the parent hides and child looks; then the child hides and the parent tries to find him. Desensitization naturally occurs when children are enabled to watch (from a distance) a feared event. Children should not be forced to pet a dog. The best approach is to let children watch dogs being fed behind a window, then watch in the same room and then feed a biscuit to the dog. The gradual progression permits more and more bravely. Dog stories should be read and puppies should be played with. Rather than parental persuasion, a "natural" loss of fear results.

Fear can be turned to active enjoyment. Family togetherness helps desensitization, since children feel safer in a group. A neighborhood teenager may be used to engage in feared activities (swimming, sports, etc.) with a child. Children admire teenagers, and the activity might soon become enjoyable. Some children panic at the sound of thunder. Parents might imitate the sound and have children do the same. Storms should me discussed and explained. Watching rain and lightning should be made into a game. How many lightning flashes occur in a minute? How much rain collects in a cup in 15 minutes? Self-desensitization should be encouraged. Children can independently learn to use this method with any fear. They might look at scary animals or monsters in a book, draw, take photographs, write a story, discuss fears with siblings, etc. This changes the helpless feeling into one of actively doing something constructive. Repeated exposure desensitizes, while avoidance of feared situations prolongs or increases fear.

Observing Models is a natural form of desensitization. Children learn how nonafraid individuals handle situations. Actual observation or watching films both work. The observed child progressively deals fearlessly with more and more fearful situations. "Average" models are best, or children may see the model as having special qualities that enable them to be brave. The observations convince some children that what they fear is really safe. One example is the use of video-taped peer models overcoming test situations. The observing children became less fearful of academic tests. Another example is the successful use of watching children successfully undergoing hospitalization and surgery. Parents should take every opportunity to prepare children for potentially traumatic situations. By being aware of the types of preparation methods available (such as films), you can seek them out and aid your fearful child.

Some children are quickly desensitized by a simple method called paradoxical intention. you tell children that they can pretend being more frightened than they're ever been. "Show me just how frightened a child can be when she's standing on a cliff." The girl would then act out being scared to death of the high place. At times, the effect is that children begin to feel that their fear is foolish and unnecessary. Similarly, fears can be overcome by overdoing exposure. you can desensitize children to sudden loud noises by having them pop a roomful of balloons with a needle.

Rehearsal

Practice enables children to feel comfortable while repeating mildly fearful events. In young children play is a natural form of rehearsal. Puppets and acting permit children to express a variety of feelings and fears. Praise by adults reinforces children for rehearsing dealing with feared objects. A chart indicating progress is rewarding to some children. Behavioral rehearsal is the performing of behavior which deals assertively with situations. Anger may be felt, acted out, and transformed into action such as hitting dolls or yelling at pretend monsters. Some children respond very well to cognitive rehearsal, which is the mental practicing of going through various activities. It is similar to an adult reviewing alternative behaviors mentally in order to prepare for some situation.

Positive Imagery

A special use if imagination to reduce fears is the purposeful employment and practice of visualizing pleasant scenes. Young children find this especially useful. Their heroes are visualized helping them deal with fearful situations. you demonstrate how it's done, and then your child makes up a similar story. "Wonderwoman and you are at home when suddenly all the lights go out. You're afraid but the two of you find candles and go tot he basement to change the fuse. You feel great that you were able to fix the problem. Wonderwoman congratulates you and flies away in her invisible plane." Another variation is to have children visualize their favorite activity such as baseball, driving a car, being on a beach, etc. While enjoying the scene they imagine a mildly fearful event occurring. For example, while driving a sports car, the child sees a large dog along the road. The dog chases the car as the child drives quickly away. Then he slows up and the dog comes to the window. The boy pets the dog and drives away. Imagination is used as a means of seeing oneself being more and more able to tolerate fear and eventually being relatively fearless.

Older children should be told how their imagination can be used to overcome fears. While they're comfortable, you both can describe humorous stories about the feared object. Each story should progressively approach real life events. if children become anxious, you sensitively back off and defuse the fearful part of the story with humor or by changing the subject.

Reward Bravely

You should be sensitive to children's readiness to change, grow up, and be braves. Praise for each step and concrete rewards are very useful. cause, time, and place of fears can be pinpointed. being able to tolerate a very small amount of that situation should be rewarded. Many children enjoy earning rewards by showing how brave they can be. For example, if they say hello to a stranger they can earn 5 points. Answering the telephone can earn 10 point, and talking to different people can then gradually progress by earning points, which are used to purchase privileges or toys.

School phobia is another good example. You must react immediately by insisting that children attend school. Even if they complain about intense fear or physical pain, they must go. A medical examination should be scheduled during non-school hours. Most parents know the pattern of psychosomatic stomachaches-once school is avoided, the somatic complaints almost always disappear. But a negative medical evaluation is a clear indicator of the psychological nature of the fear of school. The child is sent, or taken, to school and praised for attending. With young children, a party can be held to celebrate the overcoming of their fear of going. With this, and other fears, progress is rewarded, and any form of reinforcement of fear is carefully avoided. Often, children who stay home from school are reinforced for this behavior by parental attention, playing games, watching television, etc.

Self-talk

Learning to talk differently to oneself is a very powerful antidote to fear. The helpless, fearful feeling is replaced by an independent feeling of competency. It is quite straightforward to suggest to children that they silently talk to themselves in order to feel better. You explain that thinking scary thoughts make things seem scarier. Thinking positive thoughts leads to calmer feelings and braver behavior. "I can take it; I'm getting braver. It'll soon be over; everything's fine. I'm okay; it's just my imagination. Monsters are just in movies; nothing will happen. Thunder can't hurt me' I'll just enjoy they storm." It is essential to show children how they can stop their scary thoughts. They can think "stop" and immediately say a positive comment to themselves. The "I can't help it" feeling must be replaced by a positive course of action.

Relaxation

Muscular relaxation is very helpful with physically tense children and teenagers. They learn to relax tension and fear away. Relaxing your muscles counteracts fear build-up. Similar to self-talk described above, relaxation gives children a positive focus. Fear of the dark can be counteracted by learning to relax completely. This is particularly effective if children have practiced repeatedly in their own bed. They will have learned to relax on cue to a simple word like "relax." Some children can effectively practice relaxing in a warm bath. This gives them good practice, and they can use their imagination to recapture the warm, relaxed feeling. Therefore, when they go to sleep, they have a method to overcome fear. They relax their muscles and can imagine being in a warm bath.

Relaxation may also be effective combined with desensitization described previously. It is very effective to describe more and more fearful scenes while the child is relaxed. Fear becomes less and less intense as the child is exposed(in imagination or in real situations) repeatedly to feared situations without becoming anxious. The fear becomes deconditioned. There are a variety of simple relaxation methods that lead to a calmer feeling and general lowering of fearful states.

Meditation

A variety of meditation techniques have been used by individuals of all ages to feel calmer and less fearful. The simplest forms, and most usable with children, are breathing rhythmically and/or counting slowly. Breathing rhythmically has been used to reduce children's fear of school tests. Not only is anxiety lowered, but attention is sharpened, and distraction can be more adequately resisted. You show children how to breathe slowly and evenly, and monitor their practice. The key is even, natural breathing with no pauses. There should be a continuous, rhythmical up and down movement of the abdomen. It is important to be sensitive to what works best for your child. Some children are helped by focusing their attention on a bright object in their room. it is quite effective to teach meditation after a child has mastered muscular relaxation, described above. A helpful guideline is the child's self-report about what works and what feels good.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Fearful: How to Prevent

2009-05-30T09:58:00.005+07:00

Prepare for Coping with Stress

Childhood should be a time of continuous preparation for coping with any type of problem, particularly stress. There should be ample amounts of explanation, reassurance, and forewarning of possible difficulties. Sexual maturation (body hair, menstruation, nocturnal emission) how to handle both feelings and events; it is a natural means of learning how to handle fear. Acting out fears is often a relieving experience. Water games lead to more familiarity with water, and any aroused fear can be a handled in the play situation. Pretend games help children of all ages act out satisfying and constructive means of handling new feelings and the accompanying stress. It is very effective when traumas are anticipated and children are prepared properly. Discussions can take place, or young children can play act what the traumatic event might be like. Children's books are available which describe positive handling by children of operations, death of a relative or pet, divorce, etc. With temporary professional help, a child can be prepared for operations. The family receives brief counseling to insure maximum emotional support of the child and to resolve current conflicts, and the child is given specific methods for handling the operation.

A general rule is to promote assertive and effective means of dealing with the environment. Overprotection should be studiously avoided. Active dealing with the feared object is encouraged. It is not effective to only ignore, remove the feared object, or force children into fearful situations. Children are taught mastery and caution, not fear. A good example is to discuss handling of dogs. "Strange dogs could bite. Do not pet or approach stray dogs. Sudden movements that could scare dogs are to be avoided. If a strange dog approaches, be calm and prepared. If a dog attacks yours, drop the leash. Do not get between fighting animals; it doesn't help your pet and you can get very hurt. If a dog attacks, you can try very loudly telling 'sit' or 'stop.' Don't forger to climb on top of anything possible to get away. Don't lose your hand. Run or fight, don't just stand still." This is the type of calm explanation and advice that could make a big difference in an actual emergency. Additionally, the child feels prepared and more competent.

Be Empathic and Supportive

When parents are perceived as relatively understanding and helpful, children feel more able to cope with fearful situations. Reasonably secure children handle things better and feel that their parents are there to fall back on. Love and respect enhance security, whereas frequent threats or criticism do not. Empathy is demonstrated by understanding and participating in a child's thoughts and feelings. A nonjudgmental and respectful attitude towards fear is communicated. The most direct means of illustrating empathy is by promoting and accepting the freedom to think and feel anything. behavior is good or bad while all feelings and fantasies are fine! When children express confused or scary feelings, parents should be accepting and helpful. Children often need help in understanding and interpreting stressful reactions. You might say, "Kids often have strange or scary thoughts; it's the way you grow and learn how to handle different ways of feeling." Any thought or event that scares children should be discussed with them as soon as possible. Discussion should correct a child's tendency to exaggerate or distort his understanding of the cause and meaning of fear. His understanding and growing ability to handle fears should be praised.

The fear response should never be used for discipline or punishment. Unfortunately, there are still many parents who say things like, "If you keep doing that a monster will get you" or "Children who masturbate go crazy." Even more unfortunate is the use of these types of statements to tease of for amusement. Children's fear are not amusing to them, and even if they don't look it, they often feel insecure when hearing outlandish threats. This is especially true for children under 6 years who may have a blurred distinction between real and imaginary. You help children learn to distinguish between realistic concerns and unrealistic fears. It is not helpful and is belittling to say, "Don't be crazy; your fears aren't real." Since fears are real to children, they cannot be shamed out of them. Fears should be expressed and not ignored or ridiculed. For example, children need reassurance about concerns such as death and not a detailed explanation.

You know you're on the right track if children describe your reaction to their fears in positive terms. Overdoing concern is not helpful. Being overprotective doesn't give them a chance to be and feel more and more competent. Similarly, you do not burden children by frequently discussing adult problems (money, sex, business, etc.) with them or within hearing distance. Telling children how good they are is similarly not helpful. Children know they are not always good and often become scared or guilty about their badness and anger while parents are praising them in this overly global manner.

Early and Gradual Exposure to Feared Situations

New and potentially fearful events or ideas should be gradually experienced. The process of discontinuing use of a night light should be positive. The game is to have a dimmer and dimmer light each night or the door closed more and more until the child feels comfortable sleeping in the dark. Dentists' and physicians' offices should be visited before examinations or treatment takes place. They should be shown what things look like and what will take place. Information should be made available in any form that the child finds interesting. It is very effective to have them observe a happy, nonfearful child being treated. Children who demonstrate mild fear should have experiences designed to prevent deeper fear. They can look at books about the feared situation (dentists, hospitals, dogs, subways, etc.). Since children are active and have much energy, they may be encouraged to play with, and throw around, toy animals. Some children feel good by punching a bag with a picture of the feared object on it.

bedtime should be a pleasant, relaxed time and not a hurried or tense situation. It is calming to spend a few minutes discussing positive things, telling stories, or reading to them. Partially open doors, a dim light near the bed with a convenient switch, or a flashlight may be comforting to children. A natural counter-conditioning process is the preventative for fearfulness. Gradual exposure, while children feel okay, serves to slowly condition them to handle mild fear and to take more risks. Walking down a long dim corridor gives children practice in not being afraid. The first time it could be with an adult or with the use of a flashlight. Each time, less and less support will be necessary.

Express and Share Concerns Openly

By living in an atmosphere where feelings are shared, children learn that concerns and fears are acceptable. We are not talking about overdoing it by sharing all feelings or sharing thoughts that are only adult concerns. It is appropriate to talk about realistic concerns or fears that we all have. Children see adult courage to admit fears, which defuses any sinister or mysterious quality. "Wow, that program was scary. It seemed so real that I feel concerned about spaceships on out lawn. I bet I'll feel funny for awhile." This puts fear in perspective. Children hear that it's okay to be frightened and that fear passes. Children then do not feel alone or that they are weird or cowardly. Their feelings should be listened to respectfully. They want and deserve some sympathy for their fears. it is comforting to hear, "Fears are natural, everybody is afraid at times.

If parents deny danger or fear, this can be especially frightening. Children feel fear and see cues of fear in adults, who pretend not to feel fear. Children tend to imagine that something is so scary or horrible that adults can't even face it. Then, children may well develop a specific fear of that situation or become generally fearful.

Model Calmness, Adequacy, and Optimism

Parental discomfort and fears directly scare children. For example, if parents have not resolved their own fear of death, children quickly learn to feat death also. It is comforting if children hear something like, "It's important to do your best and have a good time so when death comes, you're ready for it." Similarly, "Everyone dies; it's as much part of living as being born" or "We're all part of nature and we return to nature after death." Of course, many adults discuss religious concepts as a means of understanding death and other events.

Fears should not be discussed continuously or overemphasized. Acknowledgment of fears and a reasonably brave approach are good examples for children. It is necessary to avoid frequently emphasizing negative "what if" situations. In some families, there are frequently mentions of bad things that may happen to people. This is an atmosphere of "behind every silver cloud, there's a dark lining." This promotes a worried, fearful approach. Pessimism is catching. If you feel that things are okay, the feeling is projected. A relatively optimistic, calm approach leads to handling fears well and to no overreactions. You work out your own problems and speak acceptingly of the risks and dangers we all face.

If you are showing fear in children's presence, you should take immediate action to reduce it. you might discuss your fears with a relative, friend, religious counselor, or mental health professional. Children are greatly influenced by your approach. If you show interest in electrical storms or high winds, your child learns to be interested, not terrified. If you matter-of-factly go to a dentist and report feeling pleased that your teeth are now in good shape, your children usually develop the same approach.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Fearful: Reason Why

2009-05-29T15:57:00.005+07:00

Traumatic Experiences

Traumas occur when mental stress or physical injury result in more than momentary fear. Children feel helpless and not prepared to cope with events. The result is residual fear that may become more intense and last for some period of time. There are many situations that can trigger off this type of fear. Some are obvious and well known while others are relatively subtle. For example, being bitten or menaced by an animal may cause specific fear of that animal, fear of all animals, or even a heightened fearful approach to any situation. How far a fear broadens from the original feared object is called generalization. Fear often generalize in children to whole categories. In young children, a traumatic experience with a sheepdog could lead to a fear of all dogs, all animals, or all wooly or furry objects. Other potentially traumatic experiences are hospitalizations, operations, fire, water, thunder, crashes, falling, etc. bathing can be scary in terms of slipping into the water or stinging soap getting in their eyes.

More subtle traumas are the constant bombardment of bad news and disastrous events that are depicted in media. Even if your own town is safe and friendly, murders, robberies, and physical injuries of all kinds are shown on news stories. Children may develop a view of the world as a mean, scary place! Television, movies, and comic books frequently contain violence watchers has been amply documented. For example, television viewers between 7 and 11 years of age are scared more frequently than children not viewing the programs usually seen by that age group.

Projected Anger

A typical reaction of childhood is to become angry at maltreatment, feel rage, and wish to harm the adults. The wish is a taboo or unacceptable feeling which then is projected onto adults. "I hate you and want to hurt you-(unacceptable)-you hate me and will hurt or kill me." This pattern is especially strong between the ages of 2 and 6 years. Similarly, impulses to engage in any kind of unacceptable behavior may lead to guilt and fear or punishment. Children have all kinds of aggressive, sexual, or strange thoughts and fantasies that can scare them directly or lead to projection. Fear of punishment gets projected onto people being furious at them or fantasies of being punished by monsters, criminals, or supernatural beings. Projecting anger is normal, but intense or prolonged projection is not. Some children and teenagers have not learned to accept or handle their own anger.

Control Others

Fears may become a means of influencing or manipulating others. At times, being fearful may be the only (or very powerful) means of getting attention. This pattern directly reinforces the child for having fears. It becomes more gratifying to be frightened, and the feelings may be intensified. The problem is that fear then becomes both very rewarding yet painful at the same time. It is particularly strong when fear is the only, or main, way for children to influence or control their parents. The struggle by parents to calm the child becomes a pattern, with parents experiencing failure in accomplishing their goal. One outstanding example is a school phobia. Children show extreme fear of going to school, and the result is that parents allow them to stay home. Children get their wish of avoiding school and remaining home. This strengthened if the parent is ambivalent about sending the child to school or inadvertently makes staying home a fun or rewarding experience. The net result of these types of situations is that fear becomes a means of influencing others. As with other childhood problems, the original reason for the fear developing may lose its effectiveness, but the fear has become a habit.

Constitutionally Highly Reactive

parents frequently describe some children as always having been overly sensitive, high strung, timid, or fearful. They describe a pattern almost from birth or during the first or second year of over reactivity. These children react very strongly to sound, sudden motion, changes in the environment, etc. The implication is clear. These children's central nervous systems appear to be constitutionally more sensitive than others. it takes less to set them off, and they often take alonger time to recover their equilibrium. The cause is some combination of heredity, conditions during pregnancy, and delivery. In popular terms, these children seem to be built that way. The child who cries wildly at a sudden, moderately loud sound may be more susceptible to developing intense fears. This "high strung" child later appears to over-react to many diverse situations. usual surprises and unfamiliar people and situations may not at all phase a more placid child. The overly sensitive child may easily develop fears, which quickly generalize to other situations.

At 4 or 5 years, imagination becomes well developed. These children are very prone to imagining all kinds of frightening events. When the intensity or duration of fears dramatically increases, the fears are called phobias. Phobias can strongly influence children's lives, often interfering with everyday functioning. One example is the fear of falling asleep. These overly sensitive children may imagine that they won't wake up or that they're completely helpless. Anything might happen to them or some unimaginably horrible dream may occur.

Psychologically or Physically Weakened

When children are fatigued or sick, they are often more prone to developing fears. This is especially true if the physically weakened state is prolonged. Malnourishment and low blood sugar are not rare. The state of debilitation leads to a helpless vulnerable feeling. The usual psychilogically protective mechanisms are not adequately functioning. Similarly, if a child's self-esteem is generally low, she is more susceptible to fear develipment. She feels sad, isolated, helpless, and less able to cope with scary thoughts and feelings. Overly permissive parents contribute to this pattern by not fostering feelings of competency in meeting demands and limits. Children with low self-esteem or who are weakened physically feel unable to cope with real or imagined danger.

Reaction to Family Atmosphere

Criticism and scolding. Excessive criticism may well lead to children becoming fearful. Children feel that they can do nothing right and anticipate negative reactions. They appear to expect criticism and frequently look timid and cringing. Frequent threat of negative evaluation can have the same effect. A specific example is the child who is scolded for getting dirty. Fear of dirt is an obvious result, but a more general fear of being messy or disorganized may occur. The form of a fear depends upon the area of frequent criticism. Children who are criticized for being too active or intrusive may become timid and shy.

Strict and overly demanding. An atmosphere of excessive strictness can produce generally fearful children or children especially fearful of authority. These kids may be terrified by teachers or policeman, who represent authority. Overly demanding parents often do not understand that there are fears expected at different ages. They have little tolerance for the temporary fears that children exhibit. By not accepting these occurrences and by expecting "smooth sailing," they criticize their children for being normal. Parental over-expectations are powerful causes of fear of failure in children. Similarly, perfectionistic parents often have fearful children, who cannot meet parental demands and become afraid to try.

Family conlicts. Intense or prolonged battles between parents, between siblings, of between parents and children create tense atmospheres. Continuous heated arguments promote feelings of insecurity. Insecure children feel less able to handle usual childhood fears. Even discussion of everyday financial and social problems may frighten children. Sensitive children often feel burdened by family problems which they cannot understand or misinterpret as being hopeless situations. There feelings are magnified if parents are perceived as incapable of dealing with problems.

Fears modered. Witnessing fears in adults, siblings, or peeps is very influential. Children learn to be afraid by imitation. It is very usual for very fearful children to have at least one fearful parent. Fears are accepted a natural way of life. Demonstrating or frequently discussing fears can have a similar effect. A mother who is frightened of insects and heights may have a similarly frightened child. However, because fear generalizes it is possible that a child could develop a fear of almost anything. parents who are afraid of not being able to cope with everyday stress promote a generally fearful view of the world in a child. It should be kept in mind that some children aremore susceptible than others due to their general temperament. It is very usual for one child of timid parents to be extremely fearful while other siblings may not be at all fearful.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Fearful

2009-05-28T17:03:00.010+07:00

Fear is an unpleasant strong emotion caused by awareness or anticipation of danger. Fears are learned, but there are the instinctual fears of loud sounds, loss of balance, and sudden motion. Children experience terror or fright over a large number of things or situations. Unreasoning and overpowering fear results in a panic state, while aversion or reluctance to face situations is called dread. When an irrational fear persists, the term used is a phobia. Typical childhood fears include dark, abandonment, mutilation, loud noises, illness, monsters, animals, heights, transportation, storms, strangers, and unfamiliar situations.

Three factors have been identified in childhood fears:

1) Physical injury - poisons, operations, war, being kidnapped.
2) Natural events-storms, riots, dark, death (these fears decrease significantly with age).
3) Psychic stress-tests, mistakes, social events, school, being criticized. Some children appear to be generally timid and fearful, while others have one or two specific fears. Boys and girls, in most studies, have been equally fearful.

At least half of all children have the common fears of dogs, dark, thunder, and ghosts, with 10 percent having two or more serious fears. Fears are most common between 2 and 6 years. between 2 and 4, fear of animals, storms, darkness, and strangers are frequent. These fears diminish by 5 years and disappear by 9 years. From 4 to 6, imaginary fears like ghosts and monsters predominate, peak by age 6, and disappear by age 10. As many as 90 percent of children under 6 develop some specific fear which leaves naturally. Supernatural fears (ghosts, Dracula, Frankenstein) still concern 20 percent of children age 5 through 11. Physical dangers are typical from age 10 and up. An important statistic concerning school is that 20 percent of children fear tests and do poorly due to those fears. from a positive point of view, fear enhances survival by alerting us to danger and preparing us to protect ourselves. Adrenalin flow prepares the body to take action for fight or flight. Physical and psychological mobilization is helpful in meeting and warding off danger. For example, we want children to be afraid of cars so they should be careful, but not mortally frightened.

Dreams very frequently reflect fears. If children discuss their dreams, parents can often understand what is frightening their children. As children mature, their feelings in general become more specific and intense. Most children outgrow fears if their environment is secure and irrational fears are discouraged. Intense fears do not naturally go away and punishment or ignoring are not effective. Specific fears may lead to general feelings of apprehension, insecurity, foreboding, or free-floating anxiety. Intense or prolonged fears should be taken seriously. Not wanting parents to leave is much different than extreme overreactions and fear of abandonment. Indicators of a need for professional help are fear of all objects in any category and debilitating, intense fear. Strikingly, children and teen-agers who watch a great deal of movie or television violence are relatively more fearful than those who do not.

Reason Why (read about it)

Traumatic Experiences
Projected Anger
Control Others
Constitutionally Highly Reactive
Psychologically or Physically Weakened

How to Prevent (read about it)

Prepare for Coping with Stress
Early and Gradual Exposure to Feared Situations
Express and Share Concerns Openly
Model Calmness, Adequacy, and Optimism

What to Do (read about it)

Desensitize and Counter-Condition
Rehearsal
Positive Imagery
Reward Bravery
Self-talk
Relaxation
Meditation

Case Report

A 5-year-old girl was extremely frightened of the dark, loud noises, and separation from her parents. Her parents had not left her with anyone since her intense fear began at age 4. Consultation with the parents consisted of developing strategies to reduce fears, from least to most intense. her fear of loud noises was approached by a simple desensitization procedure where she was given various objects to make more and more noise herself. All methods were tailored to increase self-reliance and decrease the intense attachment to her parents. After she was able to make loud noises, she was gradually introduced to louder and louder sounds with accompanying praise and rewards for "growing up." Her father made a tape recording of noises that scared her and she adjusted the volume. Fear of the dark was approached with positive imagery and rehearsal. She imagined herself in dim rooms with her favorite television personality, "Mr. Rogers." The parents were told to imitate Mr. Rogers's soothing voice to tell her that she was brave and darkness was okay. She then pictured herself and him in dark rooms together. Rehearsal consisted of her walking in dim rooms and then staying in darkened room for increasing intervals. All progress resulted in matter-of-fact praise for her acting like a big girl.

Finally, separation from parents was accomplished more easily than the parents expected. Since the girl was very pleased and proud of overcoming her fear of loud noise and the dark, she was looking forward to being like other children who stayed with babysitters. Her favorite local teen-age girl was hired. The parents left for 5, 15, 30, and then 60 minutes on successive nights. They stuck to this even though the girl wanted them to stay out longer. By the weekend, they went out for 4 hours and returned to their daughter sleeping in her darkened room. The babysitter reported to problems and said that the girl enjoyed playing games and proudly went to bed.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Anxious-Worrier: What to Do

2009-05-25T17:14:00.004+07:00

Accept and Reassure

Very anxious children need reassurance from calm, firm adults. Staying calm yourself is necessary if children scream, cry, pace, or panic in any way. You show an acceptance of their anxiety by not criticizing of blaming them for being so foolish or upset. Instead, you provide an atmosphere of safety and optimism that whatever they feel will be handled and will pass. Parent and teacher should strive to provide a secure, nonthreatening context. Reassurance can be fostered by the following types of statements. "You're very important to me. I love you for yourself, not only for what you do." "Many people feel very upset and get through it." "Sometimes it seems that nothing will help, but the feeling passes and things are fine again." When you spend time with children, you do not give them partial attention or give the feeling that there are more important things that you should be doing. You communicate that it is more important and enjoyable to be with children than to be doing anything else. This is even more reassuring than words.

Arguing with children is to be avoided. If you try to reason and they yell or say that you don't understand them, back off. The important thing is to be sensitive and not to prove anything other than that you care at that moment. You may feel helpless, but do not underestimate the power if just "being there" for your child.

Reassurance is also demonstrated by the priority you assign to minor stressful events. There are plenty of major difficulties to be upset about. You assure your child that many problems in life are to be expected, handled, and forgotten. This type of perspective is extremely reassuring to children, who often tend to see every event as a major crisis. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and powerless, you take whatever steps are possible in coping with problems and feelings, and then move on. Getting stuck or having to be perfect is a dead end.

Teach Relaxation

Anxiety and relaxation are mutually exclusive. One can't do two contradictory activities at the same time. Simply put, children can be shown to take a few deep breaths, let go of all muscles, and relax completely. They are told to feel limper and limper. A textbook about child counseling states that the antidote for anxiety in children is relaxation training. You can use and adapt parts of a comprehensive book that detail every phrase of learning to relax all of the muscle groups of the body. The child learns to relax deeply by slowly tensing parts of the body-jaw, neck, forehead, arms, or legs, etc. You help the child become aware of tension and how to relax that tense area. Repetition is essential! The child should practice at least twice a day: Morning and night are usually convenient. It also helps tense children feel relaxed before going to school and before going to sleep. It is very important to make relaxation an enjoyable experience and not overly serious of difficult.

After children have learned and practiced relaxation, a very powerful method is "cue controlled relaxation." You teach children to say a word or phrase to themselves that will help them relax. They can choose one of the alternatives you offer, such as "calm down," "relax," "cool it," or "take it easy." Once they choose, they sat te cue word and relax completely. After many repetitions, they just think the phrase and totally relax. A helpful intermediate step is to have them imagine, or listen to you describe, an anxiety provoking situation. They then immediately think of the phrase and relax, which counters the usual reaction of anxiety. It might help for you and your child to write down an inventory of causes of worry and stress. The inventory can then be used as a source of anxiety producing concerns to imagine while relaxed . Anxiety about seeing a physician or dentist can be diminished. In very intense cases, the dentist can help by soothingly describing a pleasant scene while the child relaxes. The final step is to use the method by themselves under any stressful condition. The method is not only effective for reducing anxiety, it also leads children to feel less helpless and more independent and competent.

Use Various Strategies to Counter Anxiety

The relaxation discussed above is very effective and may be combined with other strategies. While relaxing, the child can think of pleasant, calm scenes ("positive imagery"). Children respond very well to images of vacations, beaches, swimming, boating, etc. This is particularly useful in the practice stage of relaxation, since it helps children to let go of muscular tension.

Slow, deep breathing is another useful strategy. You show the child how to rhythmically breath deeply through the nose. Many teenagers find it helpful to count their breaths from one to ten and focus on the numbers. Parents might a book concerning Japanese meditation to be quite valuable. That style of meditation is a combination of breathing and counting. This method leads to an experience of less anxiety and often to a slower pulse rate. Tension control may also be enhanced by isometric exercises. There are many books available describing the pushing of muscles against each other. A child can push against a wall for 15 seconds, expend much energy, and naturally relax the muscles afterwards.

A variety of strategies can be used to combat anxiety. When tension starts, children might read a good book, listen to music, look at artistic works, or do some creative activity such as drawing, painting, cooking, or pottery. Exercise or any new or enjoyable activity can be engaged in. Pleasurable activities counteract tension. Noncompetitive play with parents or siblings can be quite satisfying to children. Sometimes, a warm bath does wonders. Another method is to suggest that children "let go" of their worries. You can describe a natural process or riding along with things and not getting stuck in worry. Finally, total focus on one problem may be effective. The child picks one initial area of concern and tries to solve it if possible. The idea is to do whatever is possible about that problem so you feel that you've done your best. Further worry or concern does not help and is unnecessary. Problems (poor school work, no friends, etc.) should be faced on at a time. After taking constructive action, you choose the next problem and begin to think about it and work on it.

Positive Self-Talk

Whenever possible you can combine methods to make them more powerful. This is especially important of one method (such as relaxation) is not effective enough. Positive self-talk may be used alone or while relaxing. Many children have not learned to stop saying negative or anxiety producing comments to themselves. The first step is to stop self-statements such as, "I'll never fall asleep. I'm always more upset than anyone else. I know something bad will happen." The next step is to ask for, and suggest, positive self-comments. Children can practice out loud and then say it to themselves. "I'm upset, but things will get better. When I start to worry, I'll relax and feel better. Nobody's perfect; I'll do the best I can. When you try your best, that's all anyone can ask for. Worry doesn't help, action does."

The goal is to help children learn to say things to themselves, so that they are independently able to analyze a situation and react accordingly. They can saym "Be calm and relax," and then use a method that they like to counter anxiety. When panicked by a problem or test, they can say, "Calm down and relax," think of a pleasant scene for a few seconds, and then go back to the problem.

Encourage Expression of Feelings

Open expression of one's feelings often counteracts unspoken worries. Family discussion may be held where everyone shares their thoughts and concerns. This is a real live example of the acceptability and normalcy of all feelings. Private conversations can be held where total freedom of expression is encouraged. Catharsis, where everything is said, is helpful to many children. You might consider letting children express anger and frustration is whatever language they choose behind closed doors. This often lessens the intensity of children;s worries. Games can be played with children that encourage expression of feelings. Inhibited, anxious children find game playing an acceptable way to express a variety of emotions. You can select games where open-ended questions are asked, such as "How do children feel when teacher are too strict?" or "What could you do if someone sneaks in line in front of you?"

Story telling is very effective in putting feelings into words. Mutual story telling, which is used by many psychotherapists, is readily adaptable by parents. Children tell a scary or strange story, and then parents tell another version. The basic idea is to tell stories where the heroes openly express their feelings, take effective action, and feel good about themselves. Children learn to tell similar stories, and it is a valuable learning experience. Modeling by adults enhances the effectiveness. Adults demonstrate that it is acceptable to describe feelings of helplessness, rage, love, hate, etc.

Professional Methods

When anxiety is very intense and prolonged, professional help should be sought. This is especially important if parental methods do not diminish children's anxiety. Many professional methods may be partially adapted by parents. For example, systematic desensitization is used by many therapists. This is a sophisticated version of gradual exposure images are described. Bio-feedback consists of allowing children to see or hear their own bodily functioning. Heart rate, muscle tension, sweat on the palms, temperature, etc., are depicted by sounds or electronic waves on a screen. The child's task is to slow down or make the sounds quieter. Considerable success has been achieved in reducing bodily tension with this method. Hypnosis has been effectively used to decrease anxiety. Professionals use hypnosis to induce relaxation and calm feelings, and positive suggestions are made while children are under a hypnotic trance. However, children have frequently responded to positive suggestions mafe repetitively while not hypnotized. The suggestions take the following forms: "By practicing relaxing, you'll be able to get rid of your worries." "each day you'll feel better and better and less worried about the future." "Children are supposed to have fun and learn, not worry."

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Anxious-Worrier: How to Prevent

2009-05-20T18:56:00.005+07:00

Foster Understanding and Problem Solving

Understanding oneself, others, and things is an excellent preventer of anxiety. Knowing "what causes what" also helps. Parents should strive to explain things to children in language that they comprehend. From ab early age, they should learn how things work. Especially important in understanding the functioning of the human body. Many children develop worries about their body because it is a total mystery to them. One hears young children worrying that their heart might stop or that they won't be able to breath if they fall asleep. Parents should be excellent sources of how to solve problems. You teach children how to pose a question and then think of several possible alternative approaches. Based upon their growing knowledge of cause and effect, they can learn to select the approaches that have the greatest likelihood of succeeding. Then, they are able to decide upon a couse of action and do it. They learn how to take risks based upon their best thinking. Action is better than indecisiveness and worry. You teach them that not succeeding is much better than not trying! Failure and stress can be tolerated when people feel like they are doing their best. Self-confidence comes from understanding how to approach and solve problems. Handling stress is a type of problem. Children should be shown how to analyze a stressful situation and aided in figuring out what to do. Some situations require a relaxed and paient approach. Others require quick decision making and trial and error methods. Parents help children to discriminate between situations and to take appropriate action.

Children of all ages are very responsive to "what if" games. Asking them what they would do under various circumstances prepares them to cope adequately. "What if a bully said he'd beat you up after school?" Children could give possible courses of action. You then add possibilities that were not mentioned. They could ignore him, tell the teacher, avoid the situation, talk openly to the bully, face up to him, etc. Preparation is an antidote to worry! You reinforce feelings of competency by coping with problems yourself and aiding children to do the same. Problems are to be faced, not avoided. Tranquilizers, food, or any form of escape are not solutions to problems. When children express worry, you accept their concerns and help them to feel relieved and to cope with pressures.

Promote Security and Self-Confidence

From infancy, parents must be especially sensitive to building a foundation of secure feelings. The game of "peek-a-boo" is a natural, time-honored way of helping infants understand and tolerate the temporary disappearance of a parent. This is a pretend game that gives infants experience in coping with mild, playful anxiety. They learn to enjoy the disappearance and reappearance of people. It is essential to not sneak out on a toddler to avoid a scene. Temporary crying will be prevented, but separation anxiety and mistrust will be promoted. The general rule is to gradually introduce children to anxiety-provoking situations. Do not force children to do something that frightens them. Children should gradually spend more and more time away from home. Sending a child, who has never been away from home for more than a few days, to summer camp for 2 months is not a good idea.

Self-confidence is gradually strengthened by repeated experiences of success. Make sure that tasks and chores are properly designed so that children succeed. A reservoir of good experiences enables children to tolerate lack of success. It is then natural for them to think, "it's okay, I usually do quite well." You can enhance this ability by suggesting this type of positive self-talk when things are not going well for a child.

Accept All Fantasies

Young children are frequented by their fantasies about death, monsters, and strange events. Teenagers have fantasies about hurting others, death and sex. A relatively frequent occurrence is that children feel guilty, frightened, and worried about their thought. They then imagine that there must be something wrong with them or that their thought might come true. To prevent the development of anxiety, parents should communicate total acceptance about the naturalness of all fantasies. Many children are so ashamed that they will not tell parents or their friends. If parents talk about thoughts and fantasies as natural, children will be likely to not feel worried and will talk to others about their strange or scary thoughts.

Young children should be taught the difference between thinking and doing. Wishing to bash your brother's head is okay; doing it is forbidden. Dreams or daydreams about anything are normal. In fact young children should be encourages to use their imagination productively. Fantasizing can be a form of mastery. Thinking about being a hero, a sports star, a scientist, etc., promotes the consideration of options and motivation to achieve. Therefore, fostering positive fantasies and accepting all prevents anxiety and aids self-acceptance.

Case Report

A 5-year-old girl suddenly developed intense anxiety and worries without apparent cause. She was concerned that her parents would leave or die, that robbers would invade her house, and that no one would be her friend. She cried easily and appeared generally tense. Two methods were suggested to the parents. One was to encourage open expression of feelings through play and talk. This proved to be quite effective as the girl had puppets express all kinds of imagined catastrophes. After several play sessions, the intensity of anxiety during the stories and at other times was much less. The other method was to use any strategy to counter instances of high anxiety. When she became agitated, the parents would play a game with her and tell her pleasant stories. According to plan, the parents carefully played more with her when she was not anxious in order to prevent the reinforcement of her anxiety. The combination of more free expression and quickly interrupting worry was successful. Within 2 weeks her behavior was back to normal.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Anxious-Worrier

2009-05-17T09:37:00.007+07:00

Some people think of anxiety as a general feeling of present uneasiness, and worry as a concern about future events. Dictionaries list anxiety and worry as synonyms, and we will use these words interchangeably. Anxious/worry means distress, brooding, apprehensiveness, and uneasiness about impending or anticipated problems or pain. The infant's feeling of security is very tenuous. Sudden noise or events scares him. By age 3, children show anxiety about physical harm, loss of parental love, being different, or not being able to cope with events. In early childhood, anxieties about imaginary dangers are very common. The height of anxiety occurs between 2 and 6 years of age. Anxious feelings occur when real or imaginary danger is thought about. The negative, agitated sensations feel the same to the child whether they worry about realistic or imaginary possibilities. Symptoms of anxiety include agitation, crying, screaming, pacing, obsessive thinking, insomnia, nightmares, poor eating, sweating, butterflies in the stomach, nausea, breathing difficulties, and tics.

Anxious children are often easily frightened and appear to look for things to worry about. They often feel ill at ease, apprehensive, and overtly anxious about everyday situations that others are unconcerned about. Highly anxious children are often less popular, creative, and flexible than others. They are more suggestible, indecisive, cautious, and rigid. Their self-concept is relatively poor, and they often feel more dependent on adults. Anger at others is usually not expressed openly. Strikingly, highly anxious elementary and secondary school children score lower on intelligence and achievement tests. The implication is that anxiety interferes with their ability to function efficiently. Worry often leads to a vicious cycle. Tension is increased and unpleasant facts are often denied. Instead of seeking alternative solutions, the individual becomes paralyzed by worry.

Young children view parents as providing security and protection from danger. The developing ability to cope with and tolerate anxiety is set during these early experiences. Great anxiety is caused by early separation from parents. Loss of parental love is a continuing possible source of anxiety in children. In adolescence, identity problems cause great anxiety. Early adolescence often brings a number of anxiety symptoms such as nervousness, headaches, loss of appetite, upset stomach, and trouble sleeping.

Reasons Why

Insecurity
The chief cause of anxiety is lack of an inner secure feeling. A pattern of chronic worry is set up because the child feels a general lack of safety and is filled with self-doubts. Worry can be projected on and connected with anything. The main contributions to childhood are listed below.

Inconsistency. Parent or teacher inconsistency promotes confusion and anxiety in children. Life becomes an unpredictable and scary series of events. More vulnerable children are most likely to become very anxious when treated inconsistently. Children who are constitutionally more easy going and placid are more able to tolerate a lack of consistency. Typically, one parent expects one thing and the other expects the opposite. Children literally become caught in the middle. When there are several children, one child may be the target and become extremely anxious. High anxiety can also occur because of the school environment. A teacher an add still another element of inconsistency. In fact, any significant adult may alone give strong inconsistent and confusing messages to children.

Perfectionism. Adult expectations of perfection directly lead to anxious reactions in a significant number of children. Very high achieving, uncaring, or easy-going children may escape the anxiety of not fulfilling the adult's expectations. Others develop tension and worry about not doing well enough. The standards are too high and adults never seem satisfied.

Permissiveness or Neglect. Children often feel insecure when there are no clearly defined limits. Lacking a reservoir of confidence and experience, many children feel lost and abandoned. They lack guidelines of behavior that will please others and themselves. Often, these children appear to be seeking limits from adults. Some act as if they desired to be punished as a means of finding some clear reaction from adults.

Criticism. A diet of intense criticism from adults or peers leads to tension and worry. Children feel self-doubts and begin to anticipate criticism. Any type of self-exposure may bring on serious anxiety, especially if children know that they are being evaluated or judged in some way. Speaking or performing before others, taking tests, or playing a game can trigger off anxiety.

Adult Confidant. Some adults confide in children as if they were adults. The premature burdening of children is likely to produce anxiety. Most children (whatever their age) do not have the maturity to keep problems in perspective. When children are told about parental financial, sexual, or social problems, they often being to worry about the future. They inappropriately feel burdened, as if they should be doing something to help. A particularly vulnerable situation exists in one-parent families, where that parent does not have an adult friend or relative to confide in. That single parent may share all these feelings with a child and inadvertently burden the child with unnecessary concerns. Even very bright children can feel emotionally overwhelmed and confused by adult problems.

Guilt
Children feel very anxious when they believe they have behaved badly. Particularly destructive is a pattern where they feel a general sense of not doing the right thing. From age 2 to 6 years, imagination is strong but distinguishing reality from family is weak. This period is likely to produce worried children who anticipate punishment for being bad or for thinking bad thoughts. Some children become intensely anxious because they fantasize killing or torturing others. They have not learned the normalcy of negative thoughts and the difference between thinking and doing.

A pattern develops where children worry, become less active, and then feel guilty about their inactivity. This is the procrastinating child, who worries instead of doing. They get no place, and their energy is drained by worry. Other children react to guilt by becoming overly active. They feel ill at ease unless they're doing something.

Parent Modeling
Anxious parents very frequently have anxious children. Children learn how to worry and look for danger around every corner. They observe parents who handle most situations with much tension and concern. Adults are seen becoming tense when planning trips, preparing for events, discussing the future, etc. The atmosphere is filled with concern about what might happen as compared to a relatively relaxed and optimistic outlook. Defensive or emotionally guarded parents can produce a similar reaction. Children easily imagine the worst when they see their parents' protective approach.. If parents can't be openly emotionally responsive, children imagine that there must be a serious reason for their guardedness.

Excessive Frustration
Too much frustration causes anger and anxiety. Children are frequently unable to express anger because of their dependency upon adults and therefore experience heightened anxiety. Frustration stems from many sources. Children feel unable to reach a variety of goals. They may perceive themselves as not doing well enough in school, with friends, with siblings, or with adults. It may be that the goals are too high or that anxious children do not apply themselves well enough. The continued feeling of not doing well enough lays the groundwork for a great deals of anxiety. A vicious cycle develops: frustration-anxiety-indecisiveness-hopelessness-worry. The chronic worrier has a habit of worrying, and problems do not get solved. "When my problem is over, I'll stop worrying." Instead of taking action, the child thinks too much. Frustration and tension increase, and the child feels helpless.

How to Prevent and Case Report
What to Do

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Insecure Behaviors

2009-05-12T12:19:00.007+07:00

Most of the problem behaviors covered here have often been called "neurotic" types of behavior by professionals and by the public. We use the more common term insecure, which accurately describes children basically lacking in confidence and frequently feeling fearful and anxious. In the United States, approximately 10 percent of children have serious feelings of insecurity that interfere with their functioning. Behaviors covered are anxious-worrier, fearful, low self-esteem, depressed-self-injurious, hypersensitive to criticism, shy-withdrawn, and compulsive-perfectionistic. Some children are described as cowardly or being a sissy. The cowardly child is fearful, timid, lacks courage, and has little self-confidence. These problem behaviors are covered in the sections concerning low self-esteem, fearfulness, and hypersensitivity. There is a growing interest in preventing the development of insecurity. Early exposure and education helps familiarize children with potentially fearful situations. Children can be shown and taught how to cope with new situations in an assertive, effective manner.

Insecurity may be prevented by raising children in a manner that promotes self-confidence, adaptablility, and optimism. However, since all children experience some form of insecurity, the basic issue is the effectiveness of helping children cope with their feelings. Almost all children become fearful, depressed, and hypersensitive at times. When this occurs, parents try to help byt are often seen by children as being unhelpful and critical. The key is to communicate understanding and that you are truly on the children's side, not against them. You create a psychological atmosphere of relative calmness and clarity of purpose. Within this positive atmosphere, you provide children with the specific problem. The aim is to quickly and efficiently help children cope with the expected feelings of anxiety, fear, and oversensitivity. By reviewing the following sections you learn how to teach children to cope with stress, relax, focus their thinking, solve problems, be assertive, and think and behave in an optimistic and positive manner.

Insecure Behaviors Contents:

Anxious-Worrier
Fearful
Low Self-Esteem
Depressed-Self-Injurious
Hypersensitivity to Criticism
Shy
Compulsive-Perfectionistic

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Overdependent and Whining-Complaining: What to Do

2009-05-11T08:45:00.005+07:00

Be Firm

Once you make a reasonable demand on a child or take a fair position resist all efforts by the child to get you to give in. In a firm, prompt, and matter-of-fact way, let the child know that you mean business and will not tolerate further argument or whining. Don't be cranky or angry; be firm and definite.

To illustrate, if you are tired and your child asks to be read just one more story, say definitely, "I'm tired now and I want to read my paper. You can look at your picture books." Once she realizes you mean what you say, your child will understand the futility of whining or nagging. If a child is constantly complaining that she has "nothing to do," reply that you have both a lot of work and pleasant things to do but have difficulty finding time to do them all. Convey to the child the idea that she must take responsibility for occupying her own time.

To circumvent whining, make a rule to cover the usual pleas, and sick to the rules with great determination. For example, bedtimes and mealtimes are always to be at certain hours no matter what the child wishes. No special food, drink, or toys will be bought for the child during ordinary trips to the supermarket.

Under no circumstances change your mind to stop a child from whining or crying. Change your m ind only if someone comes up with a reasonable fact which had not occurred to you and which throws a new light on the problem.

Correction

Whenever your child engages in dependent behavior, correct her in a friendly, matter-of-fact way, encouraging her to feel that she can act maturely, and reminding her of how good she will feel by acting like a big girl.

In correcting a child be sure to identify the unacceptable behavior ("You just interrupted me"), state your feelings about the behavior ("I feel like leaving the room when you cry"), and point out an acceptable alternative ("When you talk to me without whining I'll listen to what you have to say"). In correcting a child do not engage in name calling ("What a baby you are!") or threats (You're really going to get it if you keep that up!").

Ignoring

If a child persists in crying or whining after you have explained the unacceptable nature of this behavior and have suggested a more appropriate alternative, systematically ignore further repetitions of the child's behavior. This means paying absolutely no attention to a child's whining or crying and seeing to it that such behavior does not pay off for the child. After first getting worse (child will increase the behavior ti get you to back down), the whining or crying is likely to gradually disappear. The child will discard it once he realize it's no longer affective in getting his way, getting your attention, or getting your goat.

To further illustrate the ignoring technique, if you know your child can do something, arrange not to hear the child's request for help. Be occupied with an important task of your own. Acknowledge the child's request with a simple word or phrase of encouragement such as "I'm sure you can do that." Sometimes you may have to leave the room until the child finishes the task. Quiet, steady ignoring of a child's pleas together with simple encouragement will promote independence and self-reliance.

Reward System

Teach your child that it pays to act in a more mature way. This involves careful observation and recording of the dependent behavior.

Pinpoint. First specify clearly the exact behaviors you want to change, such as "ask for help when she can do it herself," baby talk," "clinging," or "whining."
Reward. Post a list of these dependent behaviors (e.g., crying, whining), and tally the number of times they occur each day. Give the child a concrete reward for reducing the occurrence of the behaviors to a predetermined level. For example. you might state, "If you whine less than five times today, you can watch your favorite T.V. show tonight." Praise the child for showing more mature behavior ("Great, waiting for me to finish talking was being a Big Boy.")

Penalize

Select on dependent behavior you want to eliminate, such as whining, crying, or interrupting, and every time the child engages in it, send the child for 2-5 minutes of "time out" in her own room or in the corner of a room. For example, of your child starts whining about having to do something, say "Jane, go to your room and sit on your bed until you're ready to talk about your chore without whining." Check the child after 5 minutes to see if she is ready to talk without whining. If still upset, the child may have to sit by herself for awhile longer.

Praise

Be sure to give the child attention and praise when the child is acting in an independent, mature way. Give the child a smile, pat on the shoulder, and verbal praise.

Give More Freedom

Decide on one specific area of growth for the child and promote it, such as the child going out of the yard on his own. Insist that the child engage in this independent behavior on a regular basis. This will get you in the habit of gradually placing more and more demands on the child. Don't make your demands too high which will discourage the child or too low which leads to underachievement.

Indulge

For the clinging child, give extra love and hugging. Overindulge the child for awhile by giving much more affection than asked for to ensure that the child gets enough.

For the child who cries, instruct the child to go to his room and have a really good cry and to cry as long and loud as he wants since he is hurting. This change in your approach may have the paradoxical effect or reducing the crying.

Case Reports

Case #1
A 4 year old girl was experiencing difficulty adjusting to nursery school. She would cry, scream, and throw temper tantrums when her mother left the classroom, and these behaviors continued until the mother returned. The child would occasionally show this separation anxiety on other occasions, outside the classroom. The girl's parents were separated and the mother worked. With professional advice the following strategy was instituted to deal with the problem.

The mother was counseled to remain in the vicinity of the preschool for awhile. Once the child exhibited nonanxious behavior, the mother was called into the class to reinforce the child for acting this way. The length of time the child had to display nonanxious behavior was gradually increased, from a few seconds to several hours. Also, the length of time the mother remained to reinforce the child was gradually decreased from 7 minutes. This plan resulted in almost immediate cessation of the anxious behavior. After 17 days it was no longer necessary for the mother to reappear.

Case #2
To control the chinning behavior of a 5 year old boy the parents instituted a point system. Each time the boy whined, he lost ten points. Whining was defined as "a verbal complaint conducted in a sing-song (wavering) manner in a pitch above that of the normal speaking voice." The boy earned points each day by completing various household tasks such as emptying the trash. A total of 50-50 points accumulated at the end of each day earned the boy privileges or treats, such as watching T.V. or going on a picnic. The points earned and lost were recorded on a 5-by-7 inch note card.

After the point system was initiated, the boy's whining was immediately reduced to a low level.

Case #3
The parents of 4 year old boy reported that he whined and shouted a great deal at home. Observations revealed he engaged in such behaviors about ten times a day. Typically the parents would attend to their son's whining and shouting by either comforting him or ordering him to stop. With professional advice the parents began a new procedure of ignoring him when he whined or shouted. They would turn away from him and engage in other activities. Whenever possible, they left the area entirely. This strategy reduced the inappropriate verbalizations to an average of only two a day.

Overdependent and Whining-Complaining

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Overdependent and Whining-Complaining

2009-05-10T11:39:00.009+07:00

Dependent behavior involves the seeking of excessive help, affection or attention from another. The overdependent child shows many signs of immaturity such as whining, crying, and dependency behaviors. The child often interrupts conversations being held by his parents. He frequently demands that they do things for him that be could do for himself, e.g., a 16 year old asking his mother to comb his hair. Rather than showing initiative, the child keeps going to an adult for assistance. Physical proximity - the need to stay close to an adult - is yet another behavior of the dependent child, as is attention seeking or wanting the parent to frequently watch him, talk to him, or look at something he has made. After age 4, another sign of overdependency is crying when separated from the mother even for a short period of time.

Whining is a particularly prevalent from of immature, dependent behavior. Children tend to whine the most in the preschool and early school years. Over and over they complain, "Why can't I stay up a little longer?" Although the requests are natural, the whining child just won't take no for an answer. Nor will the child on her own initiative take steps to satisfy her wants or needs.

Strangely enough, many parents who have overdependent children do not seem concerned about such behavior even if the child is 12 year old. Although they find the immature behaviors discomforting, the parents believe they are normal behaviors or that the child will outgrow them. Girl in particular are not likely to outgrow passive dependent behaviors.

Reason Why

Parental Reinforcement
Some children learn to manipulate adults and get their way by playing the baby role. The child may cling, ingratiate, be cute, hide, and run. Some adults find such babyish behavior extremely winsome. Other parents do not want their child to grow up and thus reinforce immature act. They want their child to remain infantile and dependent upon them. Another group of parents overprotect their children with "smother" love. They won't let their child out of the yard because of the "rough" neighborhood kids.

Guilt
Some parents seem to give in to a whining child out of some unconscious guilt, like not loving the child enough or being away from the child too much, or because the child is sickly or handicapped.

Parental permissiveness
If a parent has difficulty setting limits, a child is likely to whine and manipulate until the parent gives in. Such parents are often fearful that their child will not like them if they are tough, or they are uncertain of their position so they easily back down and give in to a child's unreasonable demands.

Attention or power
Some child sees another only in terms of how they can be of use to him. Imbued with self-importance, the narcissistic child often seems to collect injustices and to become upset minor unfair practices.

Feeling Deprived
The child who feels neglected or deprived may live in a continuous state of envy over the privileges or favoritism shown to others. Such a child may complain, whine, and show poor frustration tolerance. The antidote for this child is lots of special attention from the parents. Each day the child needs time alone with her parents.

How to Prevent

Encourage Decision Making
From an early age encourage the child to make choices such as what cereal to eat, what clothes to wear, and what games to play.

Provide Early Support
Children can become independent only after they have learned that they can depend on their parents' acceptance, approval, and support. If a young child's basic dependency needs are not met by responsive parents, he may lack sufficient support and nurturance to progress successfully to higher levels of independence. parents who are very responsive to a 1 year old's cries and need to cling are likely to find a more independent and self-confident child at age 3.

Be Undomineering
parents who tend to dominate their children by imposing many rules and by nagging generally produce obedient but dependent children.

Be Responsive
Give immediate and friendly attention to any request the child makes. Do not procrastinate or be vague in your response ("We'll see," "Maybe") without a good reason; do not automatically say "No" without having a good reason. If a "No" seems indicated, state it firmly and explain the reason. Then stick to your guns.

Do not Pamper
Pampering involves two practices:
1) Giving the child things he does not need and frequently does not even want.
2) Doing things for the child that she is able to do for herself.

What to Do and Case Report

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Selfish-Self Centered: What to Do

2009-05-09T16:44:00.010+07:00

Teach Empathy by Role Playing

Role playing is by far the most frequent method used by professionals to reduce selfishness in people of all ages. Acting the role of another is to behave and speak as if you were that character. Research has shown that costumes and masks lead to children expressing usually inhibit behavior. Old clothes can be used to dress up and act out plays. Children can plan or improvise various themes. Actual family events or fantasies can be expressed, Puppets are excellent devices to express feelings; children can do puppet shows for family and friends. Even more effective are adults acting the role of a puppet and then switching roles. This role several enables children to see and hear another role and then act that role themselves. For example, an adult can act in an exaggerated manner like a selfish child who only thinks' of himself and wants everything. The child can also act that role, thereby focusing on the issue of selfishness. Acting out behavior can lead to that behavior becoming more under voluntary control. Most effective is the modeling that you can do by then acting the part of a caring, genuine, nonselfish individual. The potential is excellent for adults and children to act out various roles and actually experience the positive feelings involved in assuming a different, if exaggerated, role. Expressing oneself through another role is a direct way of reducing self-preoccupation. Embarrassing or sentimental feelings about others becomes more permissible in this playful "make believe" approach.

"Role reversal," mentioned above, specially promotes the understanding and acting out of another's viewpoint. By reversing roles, children directly learn about the content and frame of reference of others. Extremely effective is the learning and switching of points of view. Children can act like parents, teachers, or other authority figures, and parents can act like children. It is the experience of the feelings of others that leads to empathy for others. Children will see what it is like to deal with a child (as depicted by a parent) who does not listen, constantly interrupts, wants his own way all the time, is impatient, does not care about anyone else's point of view, etc.

A novel approach is to make tape recordings of voices and then listen. Children or adults may be surprised to hear that selfish, whining, complaining, or harsh tones of their voices. Role playing may then be used to act in a tolerant and empathic manner. This may well reverse the cycle of being selfish, being actually rejected by others, and behaving even more selfishly. A key is to intervene in the selfish pattern and assure that nonselfish behavior is practiced and then used in real life situations. In role playing, the goal is to achieve a feeling of interest in, and satisfaction from, helping others.

A variation of role playing especially appropriate for young children is "mutual story telling. Parents can readily adapt this method used by many psychotherapists. A story can be told by the child, and then a similar story told by a parent with clear value and appropriate (caring and nonselfish) behavior illustrated. You use the child's characters, but your story demonstrates concern for others and better solutions to problems. You ask your child to tell a story with a moral. Each story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. After the chold tells the story, you tell your own version. It can be instructive and fun for you to make up a story first and then have the child tell another version. Again, the point is to focus the verbalizing, and experiencing, of empathic behavior.

Demonstrate, Discus, and Reinforce Positive Result of Caring

Caring is to feel interest or concern about something or somebody. There is an implication that you share (give and enjoy with others) when you care. You can show and teach children how to care and share. Encouragement and praise should be used to promote caring in children. Any instance of caring should be positively reinforced in some manner. You should involve children in projects which require cooperation and helping others. Typical examples are collecting money for charities, teaching less able students, reading for blind people, and volunteer work in a hospital. Group experiences are invaluable for learning to help others. Activity or psychotherapy groups for choldren are designed for group memebers to help each other. Good classroom teachers also promote positive group interaction rather than only using student-to-teacher interaction.

When attempting to change attitutes, such as selfishness, some general principles apply. Positive attitudes, such as caring, develop in a context of trust, which is promoted by expressing warmth, accurate understanding, and personal disclosures of feelings and attitudes. Defensiveness does not promote an atmosphere conducive to attitude change. Feelings of being part of a unit (family, neighborhood, religion, etc.) should be stressed. Positive group feelings should be sought and emphasized. Discussions can focus on how things could be better at home, and behaviors can be discussed which would help other family members be more content. Some examples are not yelling, being neat, volunteering to help before being asked, doing things immediately and not putting them off, etc. It is the commonality of concerns that should be stressed, not the differences. The outcome of these approaches is to change the attitude of selfishness to one of caring and group belongingness.

Demonstrate and Discuss Negative Effects of Selfishness

It is not helpful to discuss selfishness while, or direcly after, a child is being selfish. Discussions should always take place under pleasant circumstances. When the child is being selfish, a quick gentle reminder is in order. Selfish situations should be discussed in order to show children the negative consequences of their behavior. Not giving others a turn, always wanting to be first, not listening when others are speaking, are good examples. Egocentric behavior is often distruptive to others and leads to poor peer relations. The consequences are that peers will not like self-centered children. A key concept is to help children see that selfish behavior often leads to their not getting what they want. Popularity, friends to play with, a good reputation, etc., are outcomes that children often want.

Self-centered children often feel justified and self-righteous. It is necessary to discuss and clarify their misunderstandings and misconceptions which may be causing their egocentric points of view. Seeing everyone as evil or potentially dangerous sets the tone for preoccupation with one's own safety. Discussing perveptions of children, based upon their past experiences, can reveal their overgeneralizing from one experience. They can learn to be more open-minded and less rigid about their expectations and perceptions. A rational problem solving approach can help a child see the negative effects of his perceptions and behavior. Solving problems requires an understanding of all sides of an issue. This is a natural and effective means of discussing and learning about the perspectives of others.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Selfish-Self Centered: How to Prevent

2009-05-06T13:48:00.008+07:00

Promote Self-Acceptance

The most direct way of preventing selfishness is to help the child feel worthwhile, adequate, and secure. Children who accept themselves as worthwhile individuals and feel safe can naturally care about others' welfare. They are not preoccupied with their own self-doubts. Therefore, there is no need to develop from the behavior of significant others, there is no substitute for consistent demonstrative acceptance. Children who are accepted and loved feel good about themselves. You show acceptance by having empathy and respect for the child's strengths and weaknesses. There are other possibly negative influences (peers, school, authority figures, relatives, etc.), but "loved" children continue to feel worthwhile even under considerable pressures outside the home. Children who do not feel accepted by their parents are much more vulnerable to negative or stressful messages from others.

Loving a child can be broken down into unconditional positive regard, cherishing, and caring. Parents should communicate to their children that they are intrinsically worthwhile, and not that they are loved only when they behave properly. This unconditional positive attitude results in a "safe" feeling of security and acceptance. Cherishing is the appreciation of a child's uniqueness and special qualities. Practically, parents demonstrate this by encouraging individuality and psychological separation as an autonomous person. Caring means interest in children's thoughts, feeling, and activities and being generally concerned about them. Some physical affection by both parents clearly demonstrates caring in a nonverbal way. Even warmly shaking hands or an arm around a shoulder is an effective illustration of caring.

Constant criticism does not promote self-acceptance. A family atmosphere filled with frequent tension, anger, and irritability leads to generally lower feelings of self-worth. Competition, as a crucial or frequently stressed issue, can also lead to shaky feeling of adequacy. Intense competition leads to children having to prove their worthwhileness by accepting and loving children and avoiding or diminishing criticism, intense competition, and negative family interactions.

Model and Teach Concern for Others

Self-centered parents should not expect to have children who have high regard for the feelings of others. There is no way of minimizing the powerful influence of the parents as models for their children. Showing real interest in your children, and in others, is a basic model for caring about others. Feeling responsible for the welfare of others and sharing your time, energy, or money with others are clear illustrations of a nonselfish approach. "Giving of yourself" is mentioned over and over gain in the psychology literature as an essential ingredient of any meaningful relationship. "Love" has often been define as caring about someone else's well being more than your own.

Similarly, concern for others is demonstrated by displaying and discussing unhappiness about the suffering of others. In some families, display of any type of emotion is seen as inappropriate. By being demonstrative and expression feelings about others, children learn to feel concern themselves. Conversations only about things or self-centered interests do not promote concern for others. Following this reasoning, if happiness is attained at the expense of others, then concern for others is not demonstrated. Some forms of humor are based on the foibles or inadequacies of others. By stressing sarcastic humor, a noncaring attitude can be promoted. Therefore, other forms of humor should be stressed.

Happiness should be lived and discussed as attained, in part, by giving of one-self. Most important is the reception by the other person of your positive intent. Some people say how they mean well, yet others do not perceive them as well meaning. The skill required is to asses the motives of others and help them to read their goals. Many psychologists and authors have warned parents about the dangers of a possessive or selfish attitude towards their children. Parents can respect their children (and others) as worthwhile individuals. This is demonstrated by real concern for their wishes and a purposeful attempt to bring out the best in others.

Empathy is the understanding of others from their point of view. You should try to see things from yur child's perspective. Communication of your understanding is the key ingredient. You can say to a very upset child, "It must feel really bad not to be invited to that party." This communicates understanding of the child's feeling. Discussion and helpful suggestions can come later. Parents model concern for others by being empathic both with their children and with others. Empathy can be directly taught by discussing how different situations result in certain feelings in people. Bullying leads weaker children to feel hurt, sad, frustrated, and angry. Very instructive are dinner conversations where feelings of people are discussed. You can show an empathic, caring quality in your description of the importance of the feelings of others.

Give Responsibility

Responsibility for others is a natural method of experiencing and learning concern for others. The person who has been helped usually expresses gratitude which leads to the helper feeling good about the process. Responsibility for the care of a pet is an excellent experience from early childhood on. The level of responsibility is geared to the child's competency. Four and five year olds can put food in a dog's or cat's dish. Brushing, walking, and throwing a ball to the pet are all appropriate activities. Helping younger children is an age-old natural task. Overburdening a child with responsibilities is not appropriate. Specific helpful tasks with younger children can be an excellent source of gratification gained by helping others. Many people continue a lifelong sense of dedication and concern about others by helping or taking care of a handicapped or weaker sibling.

Performing chores is another significant area of responsibility. Children learn that they are responsible for, and capable of, performing tasks that are important for group welfare. Sweeping, taking out garbage, setting the table, etc., are contributions to household functioning. Chores should always be age-appropriate and within the child's capabilities. Chores should never be meaningless busy work. Many children will accept performing chores as a natural part of family life. For those children who do not, their own privileges can depend upon their living up to their responsibilities to others. A generally helpful guideline is to involve children in discussing and defining the responsibilities of all family members. It can be a real eye-opener to see the list of Mom's and Dad's responsibilities. These lists should contain not only tasks (earning money, buying food, cleaning the house, etc.) but also attitudes and feelings (being cheerful, helping others, etc.). Children should always be encouraged to participate in the reasoning and decision-making process of assigning responsibilities.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Selfish-Self Centered: Reason Why

2009-05-06T11:15:00.008+07:00

Fearful

Children can develop and maintain a predominantly selfish attitude because of a variety of fears. Fears of closeness to others, rejection, abandonment, and change may be interrelated and part of a generally fearful approach to life. The result of fearfulness can be a pulling back into oneself. Therefore, individuals who become frightened of involvement with others often become solely concerned with their own safety. Quite typical is the pattern of children being abandoned (physically and/or psychologically) or rejected and feeling scared and angry. They then can become self-centered and concerned with personal safety and happiness regardless of the feelings or concerned of others. Similarly, children who have frequently felt hurt by others develop a fear of becoming close or attached to others. By not psychologically exposing themselves through personal involvement and caring about or for others, they cannot be hurt again. The net result is a child who appears selfish and self-centered.

Generally fearful children often view any type of change in their lives as anxiety provoking. They see things only through their eyes and an understanding of others' viewpoints can be viewed as a scary changed. Therefore, fear and change can both cause and/or exaggerate self-centeredness. Further complicating the picture is that selfish children often worry about possible negative consequences of this behavior. Therefore, they do not share their feelings or ideas which keeps them stuck in a pattern of self-preoccupation. A final cause of selfishness is the fearfulness engendered by parents who are teasing, capricious, or inconsistent in their child-rearing approach. The uncertainty and unpredictability can also cause the pattern of fear, turning inward, and selfishness.

Spoiled

Parents "spoil" children by being overprotective and all-giving. These parents try to prevent any discomfort and act immediately to eliminate any discomfort to the child. It is often guilt that drives parents all of their child's needs. Parents might react to their own deprived childhood and want their children to have everything that they missed. Parents who did not really want children or who dislike having children may overreact by being too concerned and too nice to their offspring. Therefore, children do not develop tolerance or coping capacity and remain struck in an infantile, egocentric way of interacting. They clearly appear to others only concerned with themselves and having little patience or tolerance for others. Being spoiled often leads to a combination of being selfish, shy, and having secret recurring fantasies of being great and the center of attention.

Parents sometimes teach their children to be selfish by their overly solicitous behavior. They try to protect their children from any type of frustration. The parents are incensed when anyone appears to be unfair to their children. They are quick to agree with their children's perceptions that others are taking advantage of them. Children are frequently lectured to stand up for their rights and not let themselves be stopped on by others. They become (in a sense as their parents taught them to be) selfish individuals who are not concerned with having no sibling to share things or ideas with. Therefore, the result can be a very self-centered child who expects to be the center of attention and only sees things from his or her point of view.

Immature

In order to give up selfishness, a certain level of maturity must be reached. For example, children must learn to control their impulses before they are able to keep agreements. Children who cannot tolerate frustration and must have what they want when they want it cannot keep their word. They feel justified in not keeping an agreement because they just had to have or do something else. Therefore, they appear selfish and do whatever they please in spite of discussions held and agreements reached. They cannot handle responsibility, and adults frequently describe them as "never having grown up." Similarly, immature children have not developed the type of judgment necessary to be sensitive to others and act accordingly. If intellectual judgment is not adequate, concern for others will not develop. This can be seen by behavior which always seems either inappropriate or insensitive. The child appears to be doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. This generally poor judgment makes it appear that the child is selfish and doesn't care about others, when these attitudes have no developed because of immaturity in the development of accurate social perception and the accompanying appropriate behavior.

At the simple level, some children have not learned more mature behavior. This can occur for numerous reasons. Obvious causes are retardation, language disturbances, and other forms of developmental learning disorders. The point is that some children remain selfish because they have not learned caring or other directed behavior. They may literally not have been taught or more likely or feel to others. The children respond best to a planned of educational lessons designed to teach the value of concern for others, accompanied by a "how to do it" approach. At the present time there are still disagreements about whether schools should or should not teach these kinds of moral values.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Selfish-Self Centered

2009-05-05T14:20:00.010+07:00

Selfish people are overly or exclusively centered with themselves. They concentrate on their own well-being or pleasure without regard for others. Several words are used to describe selfishness, such as self-centered, egocentric, and narcissistic. Self-centered people are concerned with their individual desires rather than the interests of society, and they appear to be relatively independent of outside influence. Their outlook or perspective is limited to concern with their own activities or needs. However, very intelligent and creative people can be independent, often ignore other's opinion, and be quite self-centered. One key difference is that these creative people are extremely productive in contrast to unproductive, narcissistic individuals.

It is very important to recognize that children are naturally egocentric. he toddler' universe is centered on himself. It is as if "I and the rest of the universe are one." Young children have a single viewpoint-their own. With time and experience, they learn to see things from someone else's point of view. Taking another's perspective is necessary before a child can understand how a situation appears to others and why and how others react. Young children have egocentric speech. They talk to themselves while acting, with some of the content being very idiosyncratic. With development, egocentric speech disappears. Inner speech develops which is essential for thinking (perceiving, abstracting, and generalizing). By 4 or 5 years of age, adequate communication skills have developed. There are only rare occurrences of egocentric speech or behavior indicating total self-preoccupation. Preschoolers become more aware both of themselves and of others' views of them. By age 6 through 9 years, children become much less egocentric, and they learn about the attitudes and opinions of others. However, they still feel very intensely and absolutely about their viewpoint and do not easily assume an impartial stance.

During the early school years, children learn to criticize themselves and to view their behavior by others' standards. The process develops from a concrete and literal approach to a more detached and impartial viewpoint. Children are then able to learn vicariously, not only by direst experience. They learn and gain experience through sympathizing with or imagining the experiences of others. What is natural for the preschooler is a sign of difficulties for the older children. By 5 or 6 the child should be relatively aware of having an impact on others. Children learn to project themselves into another's place ("walk in someone else's shoes"). Concern for others (people or animals) requires the realization of what it might feel like to be in their place. They can imagine what it feels like to be hurt or tortured. Children try to experience what things feel like by acting. They assume various roles, acting like animals or people they see in their lives or on television. By dressing up and acting like someone other than themselves they learn to understand others.

There are several indicators of problematic self-centeredness. Being so concerned with one's feelings can result in unproductive interaction with the world. Therefore, low productivity is one clue. This is similar to "spoiled" children who get everything they want without having to put forth any real effort. Often the selfish individual at times reveals a poor self-concern and a negative view of others. Also, few real moral values are typical in selfish youngsters. Lack of group belongingness is another indicator. Self-centered children often have difficulty relating or peers. They do not view their participation as "we" do things together, but rather as what "I" want. From a positive point of view, a feeling of belonging and identifying with others is seen by children experiencing a cohesive group feeling. The "we" feeling is seen when individuals in a group are open in expressing feelings and frequently communicating with each other.

Reason Why (read about it)

Fearful
Spoiled
Immature

How to Prevent (read about it)

Promote Self-Acceptance
Model and Teach Concern for Others
Give Responsibility

What to Do (read about it)

Teach Empathy by Role Playing
Demonstrate, Discuss, and Reinforce Positive Result of Caring
Demonstrate and Discuss Negative Effect of Selfishness.

Case Report

A somewhat fearful 15-year-old girl was seen by most people as being extremely selfish and self-centered. Her parents were particularly concerned that she apparently did not care about the welfare of others and was knows as being extremely insensitive to others. Several sessions were held with the girl, parents, and younger brother and sister. The first two sessions consisted of family members' complaints about each other, and a very strong feeling on the girl's part that nobody liked her and that she could only rely on herself. Two approaches (discussing negative effects of selfishness and role playing) led to an improved family atmosphere and a more caring attitude by the girl.

Discussion took place concerning the frequently critical and complaining interactions at home. All agreed to try to be more sensitive and to express more interest and concern about each other. Everyone participated in a general discussion about the negative effects of self-centeredness. It became clear that the girl's total preoccupation with her own welfare was a result of her general fearfulness, need to feel safe, and feelings of rejection and isolation. She appeared to feel relieved that the family members shared her concerns and that she was not "different" or "strange". Role playing was performed during the sessions and at home. This process resulted in experiencing and discussing what situations looked like from others' points of view. Very striking was the girl's experience of seeing the parents play her role of being selfish, insensitive and aloof. She understood the vicious cycle of her behavior actually putting people off, their rejecting her, and her feeling lonely and mistrustful. Her lessened defensiveness and more interest in others led to more positive involvement with peers. A 6 month follow-up revealed that she was much happier and more caring. Family relationships remained more positive and less complaining.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Time Used Poorly: What to Do

2009-05-04T14:25:00.005+07:00

Lazy

There are a variety of approaches for the sluggish child who at times will not even attempt tasks. Manual problem solving is a good start. An open discussion is held as to the specific problems and what we (the family) can do. A solution is sought together. Topics discussed include what causes the slowness, what are the consequences, and what could be done differently. Suggestions are requested from the child, and suggestions are made for the child's consideration. Some slow children have responded well to the following ideas.

Morning slowness. The child should set an alarm clock to an agreed upon time. A radio-alarm may set a pleasant mood by waking the child to a preferred type of music. A morning shower or a cold, wet cloth on the face is a good awakener. An open window provides a cool room conductive to awakening. Some children respond very well to a brief exercise period. Any method should avoid the trap of parental nagging. You can pleasantly say to your child, "I don't like being a nagging alarm clock-you can get up and be quicker on your own."

Perfectionistic slowness. Some children check and double check their actions and think for a long time before acting. Some perfectionistic children can take 1 half-hour to wash or get dressed. This type of compulsive slowness has been subjected to a "time and motion" study. Basically, the child carries out slow ritual with increasing speed until achieving tasks within a more reasonable time limit. You analyze which tasks can be eliminated or sped up (time and motion analysis). In a positive emotional atmosphere, the child can then try the suggestions and use a stop watch to measure improvement. For example, the child who takes 1 hour to get ready for breakfast can reduce the time to 40 minutes. For some children, clothes selection the night before leads to greater efficiency in the morning.

Tasks not attempted. Some children appear so lazy that they do not want to do much of anything. For these children, a very strong incentive system may be necessary. The contracts and token economy approaches discussed in the chapter on hyperactivity are quite applicable. It may be necessary to make the attempts at doing tasks concretely worthwhile for the inactive child. In order to earn television watching, extra allowance, special trips etc., the child would have to become active and do what is deemed necessary. At first, it is often helpful to reward small steps and trying tasks. After the child progresses, then satisfactory task completion should be rewarded.

Dawdle

The dawdler wastes time and fools around. Several games can be played with young children in order to reduce dawdling. "Beat the clock" is used to get the child to focus on a task and complete it. One example is "eat your vegetable before the timer goes off." The child should be asked how much time is necessary, and the timer is set to that figure. Praise or some reward may be used for beating the clock. Nagging is never employed. With some children, deprivation is successful. "No dessert if you can't beat the clock." Similarly, young children enjoy parental counting to see how fast they can go. "How many seconds does it take to put on your socks and shoes?" Reducing the length of time results in praise and/or rewards. Some children respond well to three announcements- 10 minutes to go, 5 minutes left, and then only 1 minute left. Others respond to fast marching music which leads them to dress and do tasks in a quicker fashion. Music also serves to promote a cheerful morning mood. A metronome may also be helpful to encourage a quicker pace. In a controlled study, foreign coins were earned by a 5 year old girl by successfully reducing dawdling and better preparation for school. Specific time intervals were set for the girl to accomplish the following tasks (which were checked off as she did them) - wake up, make bed, get dressed, straighten room, comb hair, no whining, eat breakfast, leave house. At bedtime, dawdling may be drastically reduced by playing fun games. Young children can march around to music, and when the music ends they immediately go to bed.

In the morning, dawdling can receive a reward for awakening on time. Morning tasks should be specified and checked. With some children, going to bed 1 hour earlier and waking 1 hour earlier quickly reduces dawdling, and they quickly prefer usual bed times. The child learns that being on time is a better option. In extreme cases, a child's clothing can be put in a car, and he dresses while being driven to school. This usually leads to dressing on time from that point on.There should be a clear expectation for children to be ready on time. At times, consistent negative consequences quickly solve the problem. If children miss the bus, they pay for a taxi with their own money. If, for any reason, dawdlers do not get to school, they should receive no attention (conversation, game playing, etc.) from adult. Boredom and loneliness can make school activities appear more desirable.

"Self-talk" may be suggested (and modeled) by the parent. You can show a child how saying things to yourself can speed things up and help promote a cheerful mood. "Well, it's time to get up. I'm going to have fun today. I'll start by quickly getting ready for school." The self-talk should be tailored to the child's problems. For example, some children can productively say, "Don't do something else, finish getting ready first," "Don't waste time, it's good to finish what you're doing," or "It feels good to be working faster and accomplishing something."

Procrastinate

Procrastinators express many reasons why they should not do something now. Somehow, things will word out or they will do it later. In order to counteract this self-defeating cycle, you must take effective, focused action. You should insist on a set time for children to accomplish something, make sure they do it, and praise or reward their efforts. Some parents report success by providing a special treat in the lunch box for those children who stop procrastinating and are on time. Point systems work very well when behavior is monitored and points given for gradual reduction of procrastination. It takes effort for parents to be aware of their child's postponing homework, not answering letters, not cleaning their room, or any procrastinating behavior. Awareness and an informal reward system can greatly reduce procrastination. Some parents are not aware of their child's self-defeating pattern of behavior or have never praised children for not putting off unpleasant chores. it is essential to praise or reward any efforts on the child's part to change the pattern, and negative comments must be avoided. It is not helpful to say: "You're a real loser. You always put off doing anything you don't like. When are you going to grow up?" Similarly, you must avoid being a poor model who puts tasks off until some vague time in the future.

The following guidelines are helpful for a variety of forms of procrastination, especially for doing tasks that require writing or reading. Distractions should be reduced, and a specific place always used for the activity. A specific quota of number of pages or items should be set. After completing the quota, a predetermined self-reward should be engaged in. Rewards can belistening to a record, having a snack, playing a game, etc.

One direct and effective approach to procrastination is to attack the irrational beliefs that often cause the problem. For example, overcoming inertia and self-discipline are often necessary antidotes to procrastination. Ellis and Harper discuss two irrational ideas-"that you can more easily avoid facing many life difficulties and self-responsibilities than undertake more rewarding forms of self-discipline" and "that you can achieve maximum human happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively and uncommittedly enjoying yourself. "Focused family discussions can reveal these beliefs and provide a forum for changing the behavioral pattern. Children, especially teen-ages, may be very responsive to a calm discussion of the need to overcome inertia and develop self-discipline. Similarly, the perfectionist who puts off completing a job because it's never good enough may respond to a discussion of this pattern. You can suggest that "I don't have to be perfect all the time; it's okay to fail or not to do the best job at times."

Another irrational belief is, "If I don't think about it, it will somehow disappear." This is similar to, "I don't have to do it now; it will get done tomorrow." It should be pointed out that things do not get done by themselves and wishing does not make something happen. Once the child understands the illogical nature of these beliefs, a practical plan can follow. Most direct is setting schedules for accomplishing objectives. This can be done in a written contract. "I'll read 20 pages a day before watching television." "I will straighten my room before going out to play." Parental praise or rewards can soon be stopped since the child will learn the good feelings that accompany doing what has to be done now.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Time Used Poorly: How to Prevent

2009-04-28T10:45:00.007+07:00

Teach and Model Effective Use of Time

From earlier infancy, children experience time as set by their family. Infants are conditioned to be gratified immediately or to wait for gradually increasing periods. In our society, by age 3, many children see ht world as totally revolving around them and are unable to wait. They have not learned that time can be used in many ways, and that they must learn that you can't always get what you want when you want. Very young children enjoy finishing a task within a time limit. They feel successful by accomplishing setting the table, stringing beads, etc.

The toddler can learn to follow routines and reasonable time limits. Routines establish a feeling of regularity. A time for play, rest, schoolwork, or chores can be set at age 3. Reasonable time limits can be set and reinforced. Meals, dressing, washing, etc., should be accomplished within age-appropriate time limits. By asking a simple question, most parents know what reasonable means at different ages. A 7 year old does not require an hour to consume a meal. A 9 year old does not need 40 minutes to get dressed in the morning. By establishing limits at an early age, poor use of time can be prevented.

Punctuality should be modeled by parents, who should expect and reinforce punctually in their children. You should remind young children about the passage of time and expect and reward gradual progress. The use of a kitchen timer or alarm clock is an excellent training device. It is an impersonal reminder of time passing and the end of a time interval. For example, young children procrastinate about going to bed. A timer should be set for 15 minutes with the agreement that the child shuts the light and gets into bed. There are no arguments when the buzzer goes off. Children who learn to accomplish objectives on time do not develop problems with time.

"Don't put off 'till tomorrow what you can do today." You should live and teach this valuable proverb. The procrastinator puts things off and typically criticizes and blames others. An appropriate proverb here is-"It's not what you say, it's what you do."Tedious or difficult tasks should not be put off. What must be learned by children is "do it now" not "I'll do it tomorrow." Excuses must be carefully avoided. The following statements are all too familiar in a great number of families: "I'm too tired to do it now," "I don't have the time to do it," "I'll start dieting and exercising tomorrow." Behind these statements are the wish and expectation that things will work out by themselves. Prevention of difficulties is best accomplished by feeling and projecting the attitude that "I'll make it happen" not "I hope it happens." You should communicate to children that it is important to get things done now. Put simply, you show interest in your children's activities, check on progress, help them when necessary, and praise their efforts.

One important key to effective time use is the teaching of organizational skills. you teach that tasks, especially if they appear overwhelming, should be broken down into steps. Then-get started! The child should be helped to lay out clothes or onjects as an aid to being efficient and reasonably fast. Don't nag and do show that you want to be helpful. Positive thinking is demonstrated by modeling and saying aloud statements such as-"It feels great getting things done," "If I don't do it, it won't get done and I'll feel terrible." This style naturally leads to the teaching of self-control and self-reward. The goal is the independent setting of a time to work and then consistently working in that place. This conditions the child to set regular times and work, not play, in that selected work setting (a corner of a room or at a desk). Self-reward is accomplished by self-praise: "I'm really glad I finished. It was hard but I did a good job." Additionally, children can make a list of enjoyable activities and do those activities only after completing a chore or assigment (self_reward).

At times, it may be helpful to let the child suffer the natural consequences of wasting time. The child might then miss breakfast, be late for school or a movie, or be scolded by friends fornot being on time or fulfilling a promise to accomplish something. Many parents fall into the "Achilles heel" Syndrome, where they want to protect their child from harm. By constantly protecting the child from the natural consequences of poor time use, the child does notlearn the importance of using time wisely. Using time wisely can be bolstered by doing a simple form of leisure counseling. When the family atmosphere is peasant, the ways of spending time should be discussed openly and specifically. The time for fun should be set aside and planned. Some families always wait until the last minute to make arrangements. Planning a trip or participation in an event is an invaluable lesson for children. By participating in the preparation for an event, children experience the appropriate use of time for planning, doing what is necessary, and finally enjoying the fruits of prior labor.

Promote Consideration and Sensitivity to Others

Real caring about the feelings of others is a strong antidote to time wasting that affects others. Procrastination and irresponsibility about time can be prevented by the practicing and teaching of consideration of others. Being late inconveniences others. if a cihld is late, it isnothelpful to nah, scold, or punish. It is helpful to say, "Please don't be late again; our friends expect us on time. Now, let's hurry." Being slow when others are all working quickly results in being seen as a nonhelpful slowpoke. "Trying your best" is as applicable to working quickly and efficiently as it is to doing the best you are capable of doing.

Sensitivity to others' feelings should be demonstrated by the usual psychological atmosphere you create. In the morning, you can project warmth and tenderness (emotional closeness), or irritability, tension, and anger. Your awareness of your own moods can lead to your promotion of aclimate of caring for others. In a similar fashion, you can be pleasant, encouraging, and alert, or troubled, moody, lethargic, or impatient. One example is the mood set at bedtime. Someparents are tired and irritable and set a negative tone, which is exaggerated by a child's dawdling while preparing for bed. You could tell interesting stories at bedtime, making it a pleasant experience. Stories about the past and the exploits of family members are interesting to all aged children. When the story is over, children go to sleep. In this atmosphere, complaining and procrastination do not develop.

Avoid Linking Conflicts with Time

personal achievement is a worthwhile end in itself. When achievement is used as a competitive weapon, problems can develop. If doing something correctly is valued, then correctness will be less likely to be used as a means of demonstrating superioriry or making someone feel inferior. Quite frequently not achieving is used as a means of revenge. In essence, we are saying that time usage should not be linked with negative feelings. You should avoid using time as a punishment. For example, it is not wise to punish children by 20 minutes of inactivity. This is not only boring but demonstrates the use of time as a weapon.

Similarly, avoid developing a pattern where time is part of a power struggle. By nagging an dyelling about children moving too slowly, use of time becomes part of a struggle between parent and child. Being effective in accomplishing your goal avoids the repetitive, ineffective nagging and scolding. The use of consistent rewards for being on time results in children being on time. Also, be very aware when children appear to be stalling due to fear of trying or as ameans of expressing anger. Encourage and accept their direct expressing a psychological conflict. Therefore, dawdling will not develop as a means of expressing anger or fear or for controlling adults.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Time Used Poorly: Reason Why

2009-04-24T20:59:00.008+07:00

Expression of Psychological Conflict

Time frequently is used as a tool in psychological battles between parents and children or within a child.

Power struggle. The more adults push, the more the child pulls. Parents try to hurry the child, and the child appears to slow down or dawdle. Children express their desire for independence and power in a variety of ways. Here, they assert themselves by using time in a manner that puts them in a position of control and their parents in a position of frustration and helplessness. This reaction is quite frequent when parents nag or make time a heated issue by their aroused (and often ineffectual) attempts to push an apparently resisting child. Children who feel bossed and that they have no control often misuse time in the morning as a means of asserting their own power. The result of this pattern is that children receive attention (even in the form of anger) for using time poorly. This attention inadvertently reinforces the problem, and the result is a prolonged power struggle over time, which the child usually wins by not being on time. The child's feeling of success makes the pattern even stronger. If these children are on time, they experience a sense of failure and are therefore locked in a rigid pattern of inefficient use of time. Over controlling or frantic parents can produce or exaggerate this form of power struggle.

Passive-aggressive expression of anger. Children become angry at their parents for a variety of reasons. Not getting what they want typically results in anger at parents. however, it is the exaggeration of this normal anger that can result in a child using time to get even. Frequent punishment and nagging are a major cause of slowness and dawdling as a type of rebellion (rather than open defiance). Behind this behavior is the feeling that "no one tells me what to do or when to do it." These children often appear selfish and inconsiderate. Their difficulties are blamed on others, and they see their poor use of time as the responsibility or the problem of others. They come across as self-centered, seeing only their own interests. Any confrontation results in their anger towards adults and their stubborness being aroused. They often become careless regarding schedules or appointments, perfunctorily do assignments or chores, and often neglect the essential aspects of what they are doing.

Avoid unpleasant situations. Procrastination or lateness is a means of avoiding disliked people or situations. Children and many adolescents therefore express their anger by using time to avoid disliked (or feared) situations. Laziness can become the means by which children avoid any type of situation which they believe will make them anxious or uncomfortable. Anxiety about starting the day can result in ineffective time use. Children anxious about school days do not dawdle on weekend mornings! Additionally, anxious children often perceive time as passing too slowly (a smaller percentage feel time passing too quickly). Time is perceived as an enemy to be coped with rather than a commodity to be used wisely. Very frequent also is poor use of time to avoid failure. Children then do not commit themselves to using time appropriately for fear of risking failure or feelings of psychological rejection. Daydreaming is a typical means of avoiding pain and engaging in pleasant fantasies. Children who frequently daydream do not use time well. Rather than purposeful stalling, they spend time "lost in thought." Another means of avoidance is perfectionism. The child who views anything short of perfection as unacceptable winds up accomplishing very little. Overly compulsive children who strive to be perfect waste enormous amounts of time. Even dressing can become an elaborate, time-consuming ritual. Effective preparation of any kind is therefore interfered with. What starts out as perfectionism which serves to avoid confrontation or anxiety winds up being a self-defeating habit.

Time Doesn't Matter

There are sub-cultures or families where time does not matter. Children learn that, in a sense, time has little value. Therefore, time is not used in a realistic, considerate, or productive manner. Time is wasted, put off, or used haphazardly. In these situations, parents re often not displeased with their children until others express dissatisfaction. Most typically, the school complains that the child is late, does not hand in assignments, wastes time, etc. Parents then see the discrepancy between their values and society's demands on their children.

Children who are not used to routines do not develop the habit of establishing set patterns and accomplishing what has to be done within a time limit. Often, these children have not learned the consequences of not following rules and of using time poorly. Since the adults in their lives do not value time, there have been no real positive or negative consequences (reward or punishments) regarding time usage. They have not heard statements such as "you can go out and play only when your room is clean." They have not learned that how time is used does very much matter. These children typically cannot delay gratification. They want their desires fulfilled immediately and cannot work now and enjoy later. Frequently heard is their comment that "everything will work out and get better later." This is especially true of children who procrastinate.

Unrealistic Parental Expectations

Many parents have no idea of the development of time concept with age. They expect 5 year olds to be ready on time or be punctual without concrete guidance and reminders. Therefore, many problems can arise from the clash between parent and child over use of time. on the other hand, parents can understand and be tolerant of the child's level of time awareness. Unrealistic time expectations lead to problems about time and also heighten the general level of family tension. Patience is required of paretns to accept that a child's pace is not as rapid as an adult's. The impatient adult yells and nags rather than allowing extra time. Children are naturally less coordinated and more careles, impulsive, and distractible than are adults.

Similarly, temperamental differences cause difficulties. In one family, there may be one child who has always been slow moving and easy going. And there may be another child who moves qucikly, accomplishing many tasks. If the slow-moving child is constantly criticized, time becomes momre and more of a source of anguish. Even more striking is the situation of two energetic, punctual parents having a relatively lethargic child. Acceptance of constituional physiological differences is often very difficult for paretns. A helpful reminder is that slowness is a natural rhythm for some children, and great pressure should not be used to change them.

Some parents cannot accept the nation of actual intellectual deficits regarding time in their child. Some children literally cannot estimate the passage of time. Some are disoriented and forget how much time has passed. Others have the specific problem of not being able to remember the sequence of events or stepsin a task. People are aware of these problems existing in retarded children. However, many "normal" children have these specific weakness in time concepts. Some grow out of it quickly while others do not. Today, psychological and educational testing can accurately pinpoint these difficulties. Many children can learn time concepts if taught properly. One example is that a time perspective is necessary for the ability to delay immediate gratification. The young child may see next week as being extremely remote. Basic understanding of time concepts are the underpinnings for the efficient actual use of time.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Time Used Poorly

2009-04-24T18:14:00.009+07:00

Many children use time poorly. The most frequent complaints of parents are that their children dawdle, procrastinate, or are just lazy. We have grouped these problems together since they overlap somewhat, and all relate to inefficient use of time. Time is used slowly or not at all (lazy), wasted (dawdle), or put off until some future time (procrastinate). More specifically, lazy means inactive, not energetic, sluggish, and disinclined to action. Dawdle is to spend time idly, fruitlessly, or lackadaisically. Procrastinate is to intentionally and habitually put something off that should be done. A common element is that poor use of time often leads to a lack of being on time (not punctual or prompt).

In American homes, "hurry" is the most common word used at 8 AM. Many children and adolescents find it very difficult to plan their time wisely, especially during the mornings. Therefore, most children could learn to use time more efficiently, and parents can aid them by using some of the approaches described in this chapter. All children occasionally dawdle, procrastinate, or act in a lazy manner. There are no statistics on the number of children in whom these characteristics are a frequent problem. However, a great number of children develop patterns of behavior where they are often described by others as lazy, or a dawdler, or a procrastinator.

Developmentally, children gradually learn about the concept of time. Typically, 3 year olds know their age, 4 year olds know when their next birthday will be and what day of the week it is, and 5 year olds know months and year. By 4 years, children can realize that their birthdays are one of a series and understand the concept of growth and change. Parents are often unaware that many children do not really understand time concepts until the age of 10 years. After age 10, children can be expected to be punctual most of the time, since they can understand the passage of time and how to plan ahead. However, there are very wide differences in children's awareness of time concepts. Much anger and resentment may be avoided by parental awareness of their children's awareness. Some parents expect 6, 7, or 8 year olds to be able to use time wisely and be punctual on their own, whereas it is typical for children this age to require guidance and aid in planning, in order to be ready, have assignments in on time, or do chores with-in a specific time period.

Reason Why (read about it)

Expression of Psychological Conflict
Time Doesn't Matter
Unrealistic Parental Expectations

How to Prevent (read about it)

Teach and Model Effective Use of Time
Promote Consideration and Sensitivity to Others
Avoid Linking Conflicts with Time

What to Do (read about it)

Lazy: Morning slowness, Perfectionistic slowness, Tasks not attempted.
Dawdle
Procrastinate

Case Report

A 14-year-old girl dawdled frequently. She was almost always late for school and other appointments and took large amounts of time to accomplish easy tasks. Analysis of the family pattern revealed a great many power struggles between parents and daughter. The more the parents tried to hurry her, the more she dawdled. her older brother was a "star" who did everything well. She resented him, felt inadequate, and dawdling become an excuse for not doing well. Committing herself to a task could expose her to risking failure. Two counseling sessions with the parents and two psychotherapy sessions with the girl successfully altered the pattern.

The parents agreed to stop nagging and yelling, and failing into situations that resembled battles. They used a simple reward system of extra privileges (the girl requested staying up a half-hour later) on any day when she was ready on time. After 3 weeks of very little dawdling, the later bedtime became permanent as an indication of her acting in a more grown-up manner. Additionally, a special event was planned for the weekend if she showed a dramatic reduction in time spent on everyday tasks. Bathroom time went from an average of about 40 minutes to a more typical 15 minutes. Psychotherapy consisted of an open discussion of her anger and struggles with their parents, resentment towards her brother, and fear of failure. This insight helped her understand how she wound up in a self-defeating pattern of wasting time. She was receptive to using "self-talk." When she started dawdling, she would say, "Stop wasting time, do what you're supposed to do." When she became more purposeful and quicker, she would say, "That's better, now we're getting somewhere." Many people naturally congratulated her for being on time and for doing things more quickly. A 1 year follow-up revealed virtually no dawdling, a happier girl, and much fewer heated family arguments.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Messy - Sloppy: What to Do

2009-04-23T18:15:00.006+07:00

Teach and Reward Neatness

There are a variety of formal and informal ways of rewarding neatness. Prior discussions of use of tokens and contracts are quite applicable here. Neatness in any form by a messy child should be rewarded and praised. The child should be taught that being neat is convenient, helpful, and considerate of others and is not just for looks or showing off. We will review some specific approaches to promoting neatness.

Demonstrate and reward steps to neatness
This approach is essential for older children who literally do not know how to be neat. It is also the most direct approach with young children who have not learned neatness skills or who only have a weak understanding of what to do. Therefore, a sloppy room, forgotten or poorly done chores, or poor or disorganized homework may indicate a lack of knowledge rather than a negative attitude. The goals must be explained simply and broken down into steps. Some children respond well to the use of a chart to show where things belong and when a chore should be done. Children must be shown how the task should be carried out. Finally improvement, not perfection, should always be praised. Many children respond very well to praise when they have learned to be neat and a formal reward system may not become necessary.

Using these principles, parents can sensitively assess the child's deficiencies and teach the necessary skills. For example, many young children are not aware of the steps involved in keeping a room neat and organized. You can start by showing them where toys belong. Often it is necessary to decide with a child where things should go. A toy box, a book case, and especially a large metal cabinet with shelves are possible storage places. When they should put things away should be made clear. In some households, before bedtime works. However, many children are too tired, and bedtime arrives with no time for cleaning. Therefore, a set time after dinner (say 7:45 to 8 PM) may be more workable. You demonstrate by having the child watch you do it. next time, the child puts things away while you praise his efforts.

When you are sure that the child knows what is expected and how to do it, the following methods may be used to demonstrate your conviction to follow through on your teaching.

Open or closed door: This method is applicable to one or more children in a bedroom. You inspect the room at an agreed upon time. If the room is satisfactory, you leave the door open. If not, you close the door. The closed door indicated that the room needs work. One practical method would be for the child to go out to play only when the door is left open. If shut, the room must be cleaned by the children before going out or before watching television, etc. This type of structure avoids verbal criticism and defensive arguments.

Locket cabinet: An inspection can be made periodically (perhaps before bedtime). The child or teenager has been told that any toys, games, or clothing not in their proper place will be locked in a cabinet for 2 days. Longer intervals may be necessary in some cases. The items are tagged with the date that they will be returned. Some parents like a library card method, where the return date is specified on a card. This also teaches organization, where the cards are kept in a box. Another variation is some cost for the child to redeem the object. Possible costs are a money fine or a deduction from a weekly allowance, deprivation of some pleasure, or performance of a task chore. As with all methods, parental attitude must be matter of fact or humorous rather than tense and punitive.

Charts
Listing the target behaviors is a concrete and effective tool. The basic task of grooming can be placed on a chart and checked off by the child or a star posted by a parent. The specific tasks should be listed next to the time of day. Morning-brush teeth, wash hands and face, brush hair, tuck clothing in properly. After school-change clothes, wash. before bedtime-wash, brush teeth. A straightforward system of points earned for personal appearance and room neatness may be very effective. Points can earn privileges such as television viewing, extra allowance, etc. For those parents who do not use a formal system, an effective penalty could be washing windows in their room for failing to keep objects in their place. A dramatic offer by parents would be to ask children if there are parental habits that they would like changed. Constructing a parent chart would be an example of "practicing what you preach."

A variation of parents constructing a chart is having children make a chart of their messy habits and which ones are important or unimportant to them. Similarly, they can list what they consider to be important or unimportant chores. The child should be asked to agree to change one messy habit. An effective penalty is to perform an unimportant chore if he does not change the messy behavior. This method is particularly effective for children who do not respond to the use of money as a reward or penalty.

Provide Outlets for Independence and Responsibility

From age 6, parents should not pick up after children. Taking care of their things is their job. You might say that you will not go into a dirty room to talk or change the sheets or pick up clothes. Therefore, young children may learn to keep a clean neat room that adults would like to be in. Minimally the child has the responsibility of having a neat room at times when parents expect it (weekends, visitors, showing a house for sale, etc.). At other times, parents might communicate that children have the right to keep a room the way they want to.

Since major causes of messiness are a desire for independence and refusal to be responsible, outlets have to be developed. The child can learn independence and responsibility by being given appropriate chores with allowance geared to successful completion. The key is to give children and adolescents more and more independent responsibility at a rate they can handle. there are many instances of 12 year olds who are not allowed to visit a friend's house or go on a train without an adult. Many heated arguments occur between children who want more responsibility and parents who say they are not ready. Achieving the correct degree of independence is crucial. You may be guided to some extent by what your child's friends are permitted to do. A useful rule of thumb is to gradually increase the level of responsibility and assess the child's ability to handle it. The messy child who expresses dissatisfaction frequently may well need more opportunities to obtain satisfaction. The relatively satisfied child will have less of a need to flaunt a "messy, who cares" attitude.

Special Approaches for Special Problems

Children who are awkward, clumsy, slow, sloppy, and unable to find things need special help, not criticism. Just trying harder does not make them neater and more organized. They need even more of the types of methods previously described under "Demonstrate and Reward Steps to Neatness." However, these children need more concrete demonstrations, more encouragement, more praise, and most of all more understanding of their weaknesses. Blaming them for their real inabilities not only doesn't help, it invariably leads to more arguments and a poor self-concept by the children. These children think of themselves as "bad" and often act in a manner that confirms that image. It is difficult for some parents who have an awkward, messy child to praise the small positive steps that they do take. "Congratulations, you look neater today" should be said to the child who looks relatively better because he tied his shoelaces. Children feel much better when you say, "I know how hard it is for yu to keep your room neat, but I'll help." This is in contrast to- "How can you still be such a slob when I've shown you a million times how to straighten your room?" The child with subtle perceptual problems can't find what he's looking for. This takes very special planning and organizing, so he will learn where to put things and how to find them.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Messy - Sloppy: How to Prevent

2009-04-23T11:18:00.006+07:00

Early and Continuing Training

Preschoolers can be taught to keep a relatively neat room. From 2 years on, simple rules of neatness should be encouraged. The very young child can participate in putting toys back in a box. Three year olds should not live for days in a room with piles of objects interfering with walking. Simple organization of certain types of toys in one place will lead to a habit of placing things in the same place. This procedure will avoid the endless searching for things and promote early organizational habits. Parents should also teach the basics of planning ahead, keeping a check list when necessary, and doing tasks in order. Never underestimate the power of modeling neatness both in personal appearance and taking care of objects at home.

Regular Chores
Children should have appropriate chores throughout childhood and adolescence. Parents have the continuing responsibility to carefully consider and plan age-appropriate jobs. The toddler should put dirty clothes in a hamper and toys in a closet, box, or cabinet. From 5 years, a child should make her bed and aid in some aspect of cleaning. Children can sweet vacuum, or dust. They can empty waste cans, take garbage outside, set the table, wash or dry the dishes, etc. They key is the expectation that children participate in the everyday process of maintaining a relatively clean and orderly home.

Self-grooming
The toddler can be taught to avoid excessive dirtiness. A helpful principle is that young children are capable of discriminating. Toddlers in play clothes can roll in the dirt and get paint and clay on themselves. When dressed to visit relatives, they can avoid getting dirty. By school age, children should be aware of personal grooming. They should already have the awareness and skill to comb their hair, tuck their clothing in, and look in a mirror to assess whether they need to wash their faces. At home, parents can make grooming a reasonably enjoyable activity. Children should be given a choice as to the type and color of comb or brush they prefer. Similarly, they can go to the store and choose toothpaste and a toothbrush that they would like to use. Active participation is much better than passively receiving things that parents have selected.

Teach Concern for Others

Parents often wish that their children would want to be neat in order to please themselves. However, as mentioned previously, neatness is not an inborn instinct. Children become neat in order to please others. Therefore, instilling concern for others is a preventive measure against the development of excessive messiness. The child learns that pleasing others is important and can become personally satisfying. having a neat room and clean body pleases parents, and becomes a personally satisfying habit. Similarly, a child can learn to discriminate by pleasing parents by having an especially clean room when visitors are expected. her room may be sloppy at times and then cleaned and neatened when it matters to her parents or herself.

Modeling concern for others is crucial. The parents should demonstrate their concern for each other's wishes plus their genuine concern for their children. Only in this manner does true concern for others develop at an early age. The parent who takes time to fix a child's toy or talk to a child about his favorite games demonstrates caring. It is then natural for the child to care about pleasing parents by being neater and more organized. A cooperative atmosphere is developed, where people care about each other and cooperate by demonstrating helpful and sensitive behavior. Concern for children is demonstrated by friendly but firm instructions to "please remove your things from the living room before you go outside." Angry, dictatorial statements are not helpful ("Clean the living room this minute. I want to see a spotless floor!").

Case Report

A 13-year-old girl was extremely messy in personal appearances and in the care of her room. Additionally, she was disorganized both in the care of her personal belongings and in her schoolwork. When interview, the parents believed strongly that their daughter was bright, quite aware of how things should be done, and had always been exposed to a relatively neat and organized home situation. Her 15-year-old brother, although not fastidious, was relatively neat in his personal appearance and schoolwork. The parents were very responsive to two sessions of counseling, and they subsequently successfully employed the following strategy.

Initially, they used a straightforward reward system for both neater appearance and schoolwork. For each day of "improved" neatness (judged by the mother), the girl was given an extra $.25 in allowance. Analysis of the family situation led to the parents' acceptance of the need to provide greater independence. She was allowed to fo to bed 1 half-hour later on nights before school and 1 hour later before non-school days. Additionally, she was permitted more freedom in choosing her own clothing and in how she would spend her additional allowance. The messy and disorganized room was quickly eliminated by both parents helping her organize her room and by building additional shelves in her closet for specific articles of clothing.

The parents later reported that they were very satisfied with the result and offered the following analysis. They felt that both of them helping their daughter in her room and giving her more independence greatly improved their relationship and changed the tense atmosphere. The reward system, combined with a later bedtime, worked immediately in an improved personal appearance and a neater room. They believed that schoolwork initially improved as a means of earning more allowance. However, her general attitude appeared more positive, and she showed a more genuine interest in doing better schoolwork.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Messy - Sloppy

2009-04-22T11:25:00.008+07:00

Some people think of messiness as meaning dirty or untidy and sloppiness as meaning careless. However, dictionaries, as well as other sources, list messy and sloppy as synonyms. Messy/sloppy means being careless, slovenly, confused, disordered, dirty, untidy, and lacking neatness or precision. For example, on a widely used scale to rate children's behavior, one of the areas measured is called "Messiness Sloppiness." Children with high scores are unconcerned about adult standards of cleanliness. The three questions rated are to what degree is the child messy or sloppy in his or her eating habits, careless about appearance and belongings, and prone to get dirty and untidy quickly.

Young children are normally messy, so once again we have a situation where problematic messiness is messiness "to a greater degree than normal." Parents who expect perfection or more than the child is capable of are often disappointed and angry. Realistic expectations and awareness of child development and the behavior of peers are helpful. However, it is often readily apparent when children are usually untidy and careless concerning clothes, toys, school materials, or appearance. Also, dirty habits are obvious when the child will not wash, enjoys being dirty, or frequently gets every dirty. Further indicators of problematic sloppiness are when situations become unhealthy or unsafe, and when the child or parent cannot find things.

A great deal of conflict occurs between parents and young teenagers. Teenagers are constantly telling their parents that most teenagers are sloppy and that their parents should leave them alone. Arguments over personal appearance and messy rooms are one of the most typical aspects of a "generation gap." Parents are very frequently told by their children that they are old fashioned and uptight. There are very few parents who haven't heard, "I'll dress the way I want and keep my room the way I like it, and I don't care what anyone thinks." For many teenagers, messiness has become a sign of independence, a badge of honor, or a means of identifying with a peer group.

Reason Why

Demonstrating Independence or Anger
"Looking the way I want" is a familiar phrase heard from early childhood through adolescence. personal appearance is one of the most basic areas of self-expression. Since tidiness is often stressed by most parents, many children develop messiness as a means of asserting independence. The more parents insist on cleanliness and orderliness, the more determined many children are to do things in their own sloppy way. When parents are strict in many areas of children's lives, these children often look for some means of demonstrating their uniqueness. Sloppiness in personal appearance is a more obvious indicator of "this is how I want to dress." Less obvious is the development of disorganized and careless approach to a variety of tasks as a sign of independence.

Most adults recognize the rebellious aspect of sloppy and dirty clothing and habits. Anger can be expressed by the flaunting of conventional rules. Children who feel generally angry or bitter,
get even" with the world by not conforming. They often appear proud of their dirty appearance and describe cleanliness as being unnecessary or stupid. Frequently, adolescent messiness is a result of the combination of a sign of independence and an expression of anger as a type of revenge for real or imagined unfairness.

Refusal to Be Responsible
More specific than a general expression of independence or anger is a child's refusal to accept the responsibility that accompanies "growing up." Since children are not born with an urge for neatness, the value of tidiness must be learned. There are a variety of reason for children to not want to accept their own role in achieving self-care. The most clear cut is the toddler's refusal to give up his lack of responsibility. Infants and toddlers enjoy messy play and dirtiness. There is a transition from the infantile pleasure of messiness to a more mature satisfaction with cleanliness and neatness. Children who lack sufficient satisfaction in their lives are reluctant to give up the gratification of sloppiness.

Lack of Organizational Skills
There are many reasons why some children lack the skills necessary to be neat and organized. Some have never learned how to be neat. They may have grown up in a messy, disorganized home or even in a sub-culture that does not value neatness. Their parents did not model this type of organized behavior. More typical is the case of concerned parents who themselves are relatively neat, but who have messy children. These disorganized children may have been "overprotected" and never learned independent, organizational skills. Their parents look care of things and never really expected them to function independently. Most difficult are the subtle situations where parents say that they expect their children to take care of their rooms yet communicate the feeling that the children are not capable. These "double messages" are quite destructive and lead to much tension and disharmony. The net result is a child who does not develop the skills necessary to prepare and organize her room, personal possessions, and clothing. Finally, there are children who are not motivated to learn organizational skills. The lack of motivation may stem from different sources, but the children appear lazy and uncaring. Typically, there has never been sufficient reason for them to develop neat habits. Most usual is the lack of parental positive reinforcement for the learning and carrying out of neat behavior.

Emotional factors play a role in the development of what most adults assume are perceptual skills not really affected by emotional status. In a widely used psychological test of copying designs, two important "emotional indicators" of poor performance are "confused order" and "careless overwork." Children are not organized in the placement of their drawings or are careless and have to erase over and over again. The implication is clear that children's emotional problems lead to impairment in a task as basic as copying designs.

Deserving of special mention are the children with subtle handicaps that interfere with the ability to organize their environment. Indeed, some children may even lack the physical coordination necessary for the continued maintenance of a neat and organized appearance. Children with cerebral palsy are easy to recognize and understand. Children with relatively poor coordination are called clumsy and are frequently unmercifully criticized for years. Even more difficult to recognize are children with subtle perceptual deficits. On psychological testing, psychologists are able to pinpoint perceptual weaknesses where the child cannot recognize shapes and forms in different positions. These children literally cannot see the sock in the middle of the room, let alone in a drawer with other clothing. Special help and arrangements are necessary to help this child be organized enough to be able to find and store various objects. Arranging compartments is drawers and closets can avoid endless scolding and nagging. Similarly, these children misbutton clothing, put belts on improperly, wear different colored socks, do not tuck clothing in, and often look "discombobulated."

Organizational deficits are even more difficult to recognize. Some children have a weakness in sequencing, causing great difficulty in remembering what comes first, second, third, etc. For them, organizing becomes a hopeless task if it involves following steps in sequence. Similarly, organization can be torture for children who have trouble in consequential thinking. They have great difficulty in understanding and/or remembering the consequences of actions. These children, although often bright in other areas, do not understand that certain responses follow certain actions. "Cause and effect" are often unclear to them. What is obvious to adults is often not at all obvious to these children. On the most basic level, they do not understand that being able to find objects requires that they be kept in specific places. The consequence of being sloppy is that many peers and adults will have a negative impression of the child and therefore reject him. Some parents find it very difficult to understand that their child may not really comprehend these social consequences.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Daydreaming: What to Do

2009-04-21T13:56:00.007+07:00

Plan Activities

Daydreamers must not be bored or isolated, which frequently occurs. Real life must become more interesting, challenging, and pleasurable than fantasies. Whenever possible, activities involving peers should be arranged. When not possible, their energy should be channelled constructively. With young children, time limits for task completion may be very effective in discouraging daydreaming. Short tasks can be completed with no fatigue or boredom. Tasks could require attention, speed, memory, and note taking. Children should be encouraged, and rewarded if necessary, for writing creative stories, poems, paintings, reports about people they admire, etc. However, the stress should be on active participation. Solitary activities such as reading or working alone may encourage daydreaming. Also, it is not possible to assess when daydreaming is occurring, since no overt response is called for. In comparison, group discussion, drama, working on projects with peers, etc., do require interaction. An understanding group leader can be asked to watch for blank expressions, inappropriate smiles, or wandering eyes which might indicate daydreaming. The leader should immediately take action to assure involvement in on-going activities. Participation and attention may also be checked by asking the child questions about what has occurred. It is essential that you discuss specific plans with the teacher in order to make certain that the quiet nondisruptive child is not permitted to continue daydreaming.

Whenever possible the child should join structured clubs. It is worth the money and travel arrangements for the chronic daydreamer to participate in a productive club. The child's preferences may clearly indicate the type of club to seek out. If preferences are not clear, the child may have to earn rewards and privileges by attending (and actively participating in) an available club. After-school clubs include photography, arts and crafts, cooking, science, language, nature, art, etc. These activities may be provided by the school, museums, libraries, religious groups, or parent organizations such as associations for children with learning disabilities. Parents must themselves become assertive and determined enough to locate appropriate group activities for their child. When formal groups are not available, you can arrange activities with one or two other children. Even arranging three meetings with a specific purpose (like building a gocart) may be very effective. Don't be bashful in approaching other parents and suggesting activities. Another option is having a sibling actively interest the child in activities. We have had great success with parents hiring "companions" to interest youngsters in various events and hobbies.

Reward Attentiveness and Productivity

Ignore daydreaming and reward the opposite behavior - paying attention and being productive. This method follows the learning theory principle that inappropriate behavior should be ignored and appropriate behavior should be reinforced. When parents or teachers observe substantial productive periods, they should praise the child and use tangible rewards if necessary (see previous discussion of tokens). A very powerful method is for the parents to grant extra privileges or rewards when the teacher reports less daydreaming in school. There should be a conscious effort to provide more praise and positive reactions in order to make a child's real life more rewarding than her imaginary world. With very young children and with extremely excessive daydreamers, interrupting the fantasies may be necessary. In a pleasant manner, the adult should call the child's name, ask a question, or touch or shake him. This is an effective way of diminishing the duration of fantasizing, and whenever possible the child should then be engaged in conversation or some activity. Scolding should always be avoided. Criticism and punishment lead to counter-anger and may sometimes even reinforce daydreaming.

With relatively cooperative children, you might ask them to voluntarily limit their daydreaming and gradually reduce the time spent per daydream. The child can use a timer for these planned fantasy periods. Planning behavior can have the effect of bringing it more under the child's voluntary control. This is especially true if you reward the child for his increasing voluntary control of daydreaming.

Assess Theme of Daydreaming

Valuable clues can be gained through an open discussion of the daydream content. This does require a relatively free and trusting relationship. If the child is frequently criticized by parents, an honest discussion of details may not occur. If children do discuss the content, it may be a straightforward series of heroes and fame fantasies. The child fantasizes being the best at various activities and receiving prizes and adulation from others. This type requires the action discussed previously. However, or may be that the content demonstrates specific concerns that can be addressed or remedied. For example, the child might daydream that he lives in a peaceful castle where everything is calm. The parents might see the clue that the home atmosphere may be too chaotic and disturbing for the child. More organization and calmness at home could diminish or eliminate the daydreaming.

Seek Professional Help

When the child or adolescent has difficulty in telling the difference between daydreaming and reality, professional help should be immediately sought. Professional intervention is also indicate when specific approaches are consistently employed for several months with little success. Sort-term psychotherapy or counseling may be quite effective in reducing daydreaming and promoting more satisfying functioning. There are a variety of "growth experiences" that may help the generally dissatisfied child who resorts to fantasizing. Many adolescents have benefited from yoga, sensitivity, and assertiveness training. Professionally led groups can be quite effective in aiding adolescents to gain more satisfaction from relating to their peers. Children who learn to feel good about themselves and to meaningfully relate to others daydream less.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Daydreaming: How to Prevent

2009-04-20T13:12:00.007+07:00

Promote Early Competency

Since excessive daydreaming most frequently represents a reaction to perceived inadequate coping, assuring adequacy is the best preventative. Basic feelings of competency are set before age 5. Children must feel both adequate and safe in order to effectively deal with their environment instilling a feeling of competency prevents the child's need to develop satisfaction from daydreaming. The parent finds the line between providing adequate protection and permitting independence. Appropriate independence is indicate by a child's being able to accomplish tasks that result both in praise from others and in his own recognition of task completion. Real, necessary chores are the best tools available throughout childhood. The 3 and 4 year old should be given tasks that he can carry out yet that are sufficiently challenging. Parents who are over-protective delay feelings of competency in their children. These children often develop the unfortunate combination of feeling powerful and superior yet helpless and inadequate at the same time. Only their grandiose daydreams support their unrealistic perception of themselves. As the child matures, feelings of competency must keep pace. You must avoid the "Achilles heel" syndrome, where children are protected from life's problems. The other extreme of psychological abandonment must also be avoided. The best way to prepare children is to gradually expose them to real difficulties. One excellent means, not used enough by parents, is to talk about "problems that kids have to face." These talks serve the purpose of mentally preparing children for the many unexpected situations that must, and can, be coped with. Additionally, parents can role play difficult situations. The parent can pretend to be a teasing child while the child handles the situation calmly. Whenever a child does not know what to do, the parent switches roles and demonstrates calm and effective behavior. "I don't like being teased; please stop it." "When you stop teasing, I'll play with you" (then walks away).

The beginning of school is a real test of the child's ability to cope with academic and social demands. Children with an unrealistic or shaky self-concept are often shocked by the difficulties they face in school. These children are prone to resorting to daydreaming as a source of satisfaction and confirmation of themselves as being adequate. You should therefore do everything possible to prepare the child, including discussions with the teacher before school starts or very early in the year. Preparation might take the form of discussing the child's strengths and weaknesses with the teacher in order for the teacher to specifically help the child, if necessary.

Stress Daily Satisfaction

Some children are quite competent, yet they do not feel satisfied with their performance. Usually feelings of satisfaction accompany the competent handling of tasks. By being aware of the possible need to discuss and reinforce feelings of satisfaction, you can prevent many later difficulties, especially daydreaming. The relatively satisfied child does not need to develop substitute means of satisfaction. Effective means of stressing the daily attainment of satisfaction are modeling, discussion, and reinforcement. The parent models feeling satisfied by actually being pleased (and demonstrating this pleasure) with daily activities. When you enjoy preparing dinner, getting ready to leave the house, talking on the telephone, talking about business activities, etc., your child learns that style of living. If you find and demonstrate little satisfaction from dreamer in order to feel pleasure. Discussion is simple. Talk about feeling satisfied with your own behavior and actual accomplishments. "I really enjoyed finishing my report." "It was nice to hear my boss compliment me on my work." "It wasn't perfect but I did my best and I feel great." Reinforcement is the praise you give your child for carrying out daily activities. Don't underestimate the power of a smile when children talk about feeling pleased. Smiling and verbal praise for feeling good are very effective means of increasing a child's feeling of personal satisfaction and worth.

Special Plans for Handicapped Children
Many children have some handicap: Some otherwise normal children have terrible handwriting, poor coordination, move slowly, etc. These subtle handicaps, along with any obvious handicaps, require special strategies. You should do anything possible to assure that the handicap is not preventing active participation with peers. Also, some children who do participate retain their feelings of inferiority because they are aware of their being different in some area. It may take good strategy and planning, but these children may need to be involved in recreational programs after school or on weekends. Children with poor coordination should be involved in noncompetitive activities where they can gradually improve. Physically handicapped children should engage in activities that do not require skills in their weak area. Similarly, slow or uncompetitive children should not only be exposed to neighborhood games requiring these attributes. The handicapped or awkward child should be involved in a club where talk or appropriate activities are provided. These children often do well in hobby clubs (photography, stamp or coin collection, model building, etc.). guided sightseeing tours, religious discussion groups, and so forth.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems

Daydreaming

2009-04-17T16:34:00.009+07:00

Pleasant, wishful, imaginative thoughts called daydreams are frequent in normal children. Daydreaming has come to mean the indulging in reveries at inappropriate times. It also carries the implication of difficulty in paying attention. Most typical are daydreams about being heroes, winners, and world famous. Television, comic books, and movies often serve to exaggerate this tendency in children. After being exposed to super heroes, many children daydream (and often dream at night) about having super powers themselves. Destructive and conquering daydreams also occur. Daydreams persist throughout childhood an adolescence. With the onset of puberty, many adolescents show an increase in the time spent daydreaming.

The main indicator of difficulty is daydreams interfering with appropriate functioning. When a child daydreams instead of paying attention, completing tasks, interacting with peers, etc., then problematic daydreaming is indicated. Additionally, a negative sign is more and more time spent in daydreaming. Fleeting daydreams are typical, but prolonged fantasies are not. When an 8 to 10 year old frequently spends more than 10 minutes in reveries, this is not a typical reaction. Problematic daydreaming is evident when children of any age describe their fantasies as fabulous and their everyday life as being boring or too difficult.

Reasons Why

Daydreams Perceived as More satisfying than reality. When a child feels that real life is too difficult or unusually unsatisfying, daydreaming becomes a pleasant escape. Wishes are fulfilled by imagination. Fantasies provide a strong feeling of satisfaction in comparison to the boredom of everyday activities. Daydreaming is seen by the child as being an easier task than solving social or academic problems. Children may become more and more preoccupied with fantasies and less involved in coping with their real surroundings. They become absorbed in their own thoughts and spend more time in their private world. Some children develop imaginary companions who provide them with a satisfying relationship. This is especially true for children who feel excluded or who immune from criticism or negative feelings. These children have the capacity to function effectively in their environment. However, their talents are diverted from gaining praise from others and recognition for completing tasks.

Compensation for Real Handicaps. Children with physical handicaps often daydream about being normal and famous. As discussed in the introduction, when daydreaming becomes an interference with other activities or becomes excessive, it is a cause for concern. More subtle is the daydreaming of children with an "invisible handicap." Children with learning disabilities, who appear normal, have the real handicap of being unable to cope with the usual educational environment. Their continued failure and difficulties often lead to daydreaming as an escape. These children often have great difficulty understanding complex instructions or abstract ideas. Many children are very frustrated by their inability to read as well as they should (according to their intelligence) or to express themselves either verbally or in writing. Whatever the specific handicap is, the real frustrations can easily lead to problematic daydreaming. The satisfaction or feeling of power not attainable in the real world is sought in fantasies.

Daydreaming as a Habit. Daydreaming is frequent in young children, and a small percentage of children do not outgrow this pleasurable habit. Some children are quite prone to developing habits (such as nailbiting, scratching, etc.), and the habit then continues as a familiar and accustomed way of behaving. Even when a child's everyday activities are relatively satisfying, excessive daydreaming still occurs. Some children develop specific times to daydream. A frequent, and unfortunate, habit is fantasizing while a teacher (or parent) is speaking or lecturing. Other children daydream at certain times when there is nothing to do. In a ritualistic manner, some children may prepare themselves to daydream for a half-hour before or after dinner.

Daydreams of Shy Children. Vivid daydreaming is especially prevalent in shy children. Children who felt unprotected by their mother or psychologically separated prematurely from parents, often develop shyness and feelings of inability to cope. They experience awkwardness and embarrassment in social interactions. In comparison, fantasies provide great pleasure and no negative feelings. Shy children can be seen to spend time in pleasant reveries with a smile on their faces. Of great concern is that they often become more anxious in social situations and participate less and less with others. Proportionately, their daydreams become more reinforcing and occur more frequently.

How to Prevent (read about it)

Promote Early Competency
Stress Daily Satisfaction
Special Plans for Handicapped Children

What to Do (read about it)

Plan Activities
Reward Attentiveness and Productivity
Assess Theme of Daydreaming
Seek Professional help

Case Report

A 14-year-old girl was frequently daydreaming at home and at school. her schoolwork was not up to par, and her teacher reported that "her daydreaming was interfering with her concentration and her performance." At home, she spent a great deal of time in her room and was apparently daydreaming even when she listening to music or while doing homework. She had few friends and frequently expressed boredom. Two family therapy sessions and eight psychotherapy sessions with the girl resulted in a reduction in time spent on daydreaming and more productive involvement with her environment.

Key ingredients were the development of active plans for the girl and the teacher's communication with the parents. Plans were made for increased social participation. It was agreed that she would join an after school photography club, which met twice a week. On Saturday morning, she would attend the local recreation center. The teacher's daily phone call regarding less daydreaming and improved class participation resulted in extra allowance and a special weekend event (if there were at least three positive calls). In psychotherapy, her perception of her life as both scary and dull was discussed. After 2 months, the girl's analysis of her progress was that she was doing more, felt happier, and didn't only look forward to daydreaming. Schoolwork and homework were completed satisfactory.

Relevant Topic:

Behavior Problems of Children
Immature Behaviors
Insecure Behaviors
Habit Disorders
Peer Problems
Antisocial Behaviors
Other Problems