Collection of best jokes

TWO ROACHES

2009-03-24T21:07:00.001+05:30

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

SOUND

2009-03-24T21:06:00.000+05:30

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

3 MICE

2009-03-24T21:05:00.000+05:30

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

DOG: THE CHESS PLAYER

2009-03-24T21:00:00.001+05:30

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

COWBOY BOOT

2009-03-19T19:01:00.000+05:30

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a hat."

FOOTBALL

2009-03-19T18:58:00.000+05:30

A guy wearing an Army football jersey walks into a bar, carrying a cat. The cat is also dressed in a little Army jersey.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Army- Navy game here? My cable is out, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon Army manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar, meows loudly, runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."

MARRIED COUPLE IN A TRAIN

2009-03-19T18:43:00.000+05:30

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fcuking blanket."

2009-01-30T22:47:00.001+05:30

A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."

2009-01-30T22:46:00.000+05:30

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

2009-01-30T22:44:00.000+05:30

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

ALCOHOLIC

2009-01-30T22:38:00.000+05:30

When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a mess!

ALCOHOL JOKES

2009-01-30T21:26:00.000+05:30

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

BABY JOKES

2009-01-15T21:33:00.003+05:30

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

Why did you drop the baby?
Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.

Sardarji Jokes

2009-01-07T17:25:00.001+05:30

Sardarji Jokes

You can be sure the person is Sardar when he:
- Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
- Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
- Thinks socialism means partying.
- Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
- At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign here" he puts "Sagittarius."
- Sells the car for gas money.
- Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
- Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
* * * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* * * * * *

LALOOJI

2009-01-07T17:23:00.002+05:30

Laloo Prasad was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very ineficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

LECTURER

2009-01-07T17:22:00.000+05:30

Lecturer: The lecturer is taking the class seriously.
One of the student looking towards the window side in the class room.
The lecturer asks the student "For what purpose you are coming to the school?"
Student: For vidhya sir(In Telugu Vidhya means Education).
Lecturer: Then why you are looking towards window?
Student: Vidhya(Girl friend) has not come upto now sir.

Safest Way to Drive

2009-01-06T22:05:00.002+05:30

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

PROGRAMMING JOKES

2009-01-06T22:02:00.001+05:30

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”

“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

A Husband's Moment of Realization

2009-01-05T18:28:00.001+05:30

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Skin Transplant Surgery

2009-01-05T18:27:00.001+05:30

A married couple was
in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

ANIMAL JOKES

2009-01-03T19:52:00.002+05:30

##One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole....

The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was female."

##Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm....

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

2008-09-13T18:01:00.004+05:30

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in
it. He turns around to
push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her
breast. He says, "Oh, I'm
so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be
able to forgive me." She
looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis
is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 204."

2008-09-13T17:53:00.001+05:30

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

NEW ADDITION

2008-05-25T13:34:00.003+05:30

THE ANIMAL JOKE
Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a bear. They both take off running, after a while one guy stops and takes off his backpack and takes out a pair of running shoes. The other guy sees this and is wondering what is going on, so he stops, runs back to the guy and asks "Why are you putting on your running shoes, do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?" the other guy said "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!" What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ELEPHINO!(hell if I know)....

THE NATURE JOKE:
2 worms crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says " ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a wedding ring. Male worm says " I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with married worms. female worm says " don't worry, my husband is not coming home. Male worm says " how do you know that for sure? Female worm says " he got up early this morning and went fishing! Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his friends get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find every mans dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you supersx. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

THE FAMILY JOKE
An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice cream". The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said. A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

THE CHURCH JOKE
Adam and God were walking in the garden one day. Adam asked God, "why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve." Adam, "But, why did you make her so stupid?" God, "So that she would love you."

JOKES ON TEETH

2008-03-21T21:32:00.000+05:30

Fan: I''ve always admired you. Are your teeth your own? Actor: Whose do you think they are?

What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.

What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards? He ate himself!

Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed? To catch her false teeth.

A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can''t afford a new set." "Don''t worry," said his friend. "I''ll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he''s not a dentist," replied the friend, "he''s an undertaker."