Carol Dweck took a group of grammar school children who had all received the exact same score on a test and divided them into two groups. The first group was praised for their achievement with phrases like, “congratulations! You must be so proud! YOU ARE SO SMART!” The second group was equally praised but with one specific difference. They were told phrases like, “congratulations! You must be so proud! YOU MUST HAVE WORKED SO HARD!”

A very interesting result ensued. The children who were praised for being smart – something that is innate and unchangeable – were later afraid to take on new challenges, avoided things that would test their abilities and tended to lie about test scores they received in the future. In contrast, the children who were praised for working hard were eager to take on new challenges, welcomed things that would test their abilities and told the truth about the test scores they received in the future. (I hope these children were all given a little bit of therapy after this experiment… but I digress…)

So what does all this mean? Well, Dr. Dweck identified that there were two types of mindsets that people tended to operate from: a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset comes from the position that your intelligence, talents and abilities are fixed and innate… In other words, you are dealt the cards you’re dealt so get over your big, bad self and deal with it. In contrast, with a growth mindset you see your intelligence, talents and abilities as fluid and a “work in progress” that can continually improve.

The ramifications of this simple realization are incredibly powerful. Whichever perspective we come from, chances are, that perspective operates under the radar and secretly influences everything you experience and think.

Do we operate from the knowledge that we can learn and grow or do we avoid new things because of how “we ARE?” This simple realization can directly affect our motivation levels, our anxiety levels in the midst of new situations, whether or not we are likely to avoid something and a host of other common problem scenarios.

Instead of beating ourselves up and ripping ourselves apart, agonizing over the things we can’t seem to get ourselves to do, perhaps a simple question of asking ourselves what mindset we are coming from… fixed or growth… could be all the motivation we need to turn something we dread into something that is filled with possibility, potential and most of all fun.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it is to examine one thing that you are avoiding completing (or starting) and analyze your mindset around it. If you’re not coming at it from a mindset of growth and possibility, how might you change the way you see the situation to move it there?

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I was having a conversation with somebody over Twitter back when it was new. It was one of those random comments that I happened to run across from somebody who I really enjoyed. Her name is Alice Langholt of http://reikiawakening.blogspot.com/ and she is a Reiki Master who is building her business while having a day job rating Google pages.

In the twitter stream she had posted that she was frustrated with having to do a day job when what she really wanted to be doing was reiki full-time. (By the way Reiki (ray-kee) is a spiritual practice in the form of energy healing and I know people who swear by it!)

Our conversation continued over Twitter and my "coach's fascination" kicked in. I ended up sending her a very lengthy e-mail that addressed this feeling of wanting things to be different than they are. I know all of us have felt that way at one time or another.  Below is a synopsis of what I told her.

It is an interesting thing. We attach to wanting a certain thing not because we really want that thing, but because of what we think having that thing will give us or make us feel. (Read that sentence again because it is an important one) I want that new career or that life partner, etc. because of how that will make me feel once I have it. We attach to that particular thing because that is the only way we know how to get that feeling.

Laura Berman Fort gang describes it as the difference between "essence" and "vehicle." The essence is what we truly want -- peace of mind, security, fulfillment, acceptance, significance and so on. The vehicle -- the new career, new life partner, new car and so on -- is what we attach to and believe will give us that essence that we're actually looking for.

The trouble is, we attach to a vehicle because that is the only way we know how to get the essence that we really want. We make that "thing" that we want so important and lose sight of what it is we're really looking for. Unfortunately, there is a huge irony in this. By attaching and focusing on the vehicle, we put an intense pressure on the attainment of that vehicle and oftentimes, push it away in the process. If we would actually stop and ask ourselves the question, "what will having this thing give me/mean about me/make me feel?" we would recognize that there is something much deeper that we are actually looking for.

An interesting thing then happens. By focusing on the deeper essence of what it is we really want, all sorts of "vehicles" suddenly show up as ways we can get that "essence" satisfied. Suddenly we have options and the pressure on that ONE thing as THE ONLY way subsides.

Here's an example. A young child does a play in the fifth grade. He does well, the audience applauds and all of a sudden he feels completely satisfied and accepted. He has never quite felt that total satisfaction before and decides that an acting career is the way he wants to go. He spends the rest of his adult life pining after an acting career and never feeling satisfied unless he's actually performing on stage. In this case, he has put all the pressure of the satisfaction of his need for acceptance on an acting career -- the vehicle to his acceptance. He feels compelled to an acting career not realizing that what he really needs is acceptance. Were he to stop and uncover what he really needs then that intense pressure of having to have an acting career would subside, he could focus on getting that need met and actually be at choice about if he even WANTS to act!.

I know this may be a bit of a mind screw for many. We really think that we want that THING that we want. We are creatures governed by feeling and we forget that those things, in and of themselves, have no meaning unless we ascribe meaning to them.

For some fun, try this experiment: take something you really, really want and ask yourself this question. "What will having this thing actually give me that I don't currently have?" I'll be interested to find out what you learn.

If you found this blog post interesting or helpful, I invite you to contact me via the  contact page on this site and let's set up a time where we can have a coaching conversation. I am an expert at helping people get what they really need so they can have what they truly want faster and with less stress than they ever thought possible. Give it a try.

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Those of us who are or have been creative for a living have, at one time or another, felt the weight of fear and self doubt of the ubiquitous question: “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” Even when we have done it before too tremendous accolades and applause, we worry that perhaps that is as good as it will ever get… maybe our genius was just a fluke and we will be found out as the frauds and fakes that we fear we might be.

I certainly have been there and so has just about every creative person I have ever met. In fact, I would venture to say that every person — professionally creative or not — has had this same fear or worry that has eroded their joy in the present moment.

The video below is a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert, a best-selling author, in which she speaks to the core of everything that we are as creative individuals. In this uplifting and invigorating talk, she gives us a perspective with language and tools to help us separate “who we are” from “what we do.”

It is one of the fastest and most uplifting 19 minutes I have ever experienced.

Enjoy and please comment!!

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Apparently the taxi driver had posted his business resume in his taxi cab. It had his full name, his work history, the fact that he went to North Carolina A. and T. University for undergrad and got his MBA from LaSalle.

He is currently driving a taxi cab in New York City and my guess is, given the fact that he has posted his resume, it is not a job that he sees himself doing for ever.

As someone who finds himself worrying about things that “might” happen, this got me thinking. Don’t get me wrong, I have no knowledge of exactly what happened to this gentleman and everything I’m about to tell you I am completely making up in my head. However, it made me think.

Clearly, this man at some point lost his job or was downsized or… who knows what and he found the need to find alternate work — survival work, you know. Probably his worst fear was realized.  I imagine he went looking for another business job but to no avail.  He came to a point where he simply needed to make a living so he started driving a cab.  Believe me — it is a tough job  to drive a taxi in NYC.  You deal with all kinds of people and by law you have to take them.  It ain’t easy and I admire those who do it.

What I love about this story is the optimism. I’m guessing the gentleman didn’t worry and wring his hands in fear over what might happen. Instead, he simply did what he needed to do. The creativity here is what stuns me. He examined the situation and instead of falling into victimhood and turning bitter, I imagine that he asked himself “what is the opportunity here in this situation?” The answer:  A lot of people sit in the back of my car. Many of them are executives and business people. Some of them might be looking to hire someone. Why don’t I let them know I’m looking for a position and show them how creative I can be in the process.

Genius!

There are two takeaways for me in this:

1. When when stuff happens in life you have 2 choices: a) be a victim and become resentful or b) simply do what you need to do to take care of the situation the best way you can and realize situations can change.
2. Never lose your optimism. If you look at the situation you are currently in creatively, you will find opportunity in the strangest of places.

I wish I knew someone who was hiring or someone in a major news organization. I would do a story about this man in the hopes that it would inspire other people to think creatively no matter what situation they are in.

So if business is bad or something is going on in your life that just totally sucks, when you can, step outside of yourself and look at the situation from a creative, dispassionate observer position. Ask yourself this question: “what is my opportunity here and how can I make the most of it?” Who knows what you might discover. A creative idea just might springboard you in a new direction.

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This past weekend, my partner and I sat and watched the History and the National Geographic Channels all day as show after show debated the “actual birthplace of Christ” and “was there a star and did it actually settle over Bethlehem…” and on and on.  It was an amazingly fun day and I felt closer to my particular spirituality through the process of critical analysis.

You see for me, it isn’t about the details and the specifics.  It is about the spirit and getting in touch with that part of myself that connects with all people.

What came out of all of that television watching, was a recognition of connection and ritual.

I think that we as a people find meaning in our lives through a connection with something that is greater than each one of us individually. For some that is a “Higher Power” and for others it is a sense of connection to other human beings and humanity at large.  Then, whether we know it or not, we ritualize it… we create a tradition.

So even if Christmas isn’t your tradition… as I’m often reminded by my friend Stephanie who sings the South Park song to me, “I’M JUST A LONELY JEW AT CHRISTMAS…” reconnect with whatever your ritual is that makes you feel connected to your history. (For Stephanie, it’s Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day.) Whatever yours might be, consciously hook in. Connect with what has brought you to this place here and now– your history!  Celebrate what is gotten you to where you are. Good or bad, you are here and tomorrow is a new day so believe in the power of a hope for a better tomorrow!  Then start to create it.

If you don’t have a tradition that stands out, create one.  Find some special something that you can celebrate no matter what your current situation.  The simple act of looking for that will help you hook in and I promise you will find a connection. There is something in the air at this time of the year and I think it goes way beyond the holiday.

I realize this post is a bit “stream of consciousness.”  I felt compelled to put it down on “web paper” even though it wasn’t fully formed. My Blog – My Way!!  <g>   If it is helpful in any way, I am thrilled.  If, however, you take nothing else away, take this: May you find peace when you look for it, joy where you choose to create it and connection with all of us in a hope for a better tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

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…and a mentor of mine.  I am a huge fan of her blogs and recently she posted 16… count ’em… 16 strategies on avoiding procrastination.  Her complete post can be found here from her blog for her fantastic book called EDGE!

6) Look closely at why you are procrastinating. Is it fear, doubt, overwhelm, lack of knowledge, or because you just don’t enjoy that activity? Once you have identified the cause of your procrastination, talk to a coach about what’s really going on, and design a solution to address the block.

7) For big tasks, break this down into smaller steps, and write out a calendar to get the smaller steps accomplished. With this approach, you will get much more done than if you decide to take on the entire project at once. If you are going to take on the entire project in one block, schedule the time on your calendar to work only on that project. If you are working on it while you are doing other things, you will add about 50% more time overall to the project.

8)Drop the perfectionism. You don’t have to have every task you take on be perfect. Get the job done, and then delegate out the “perfecting” stage to someone who can shine up the project.

9) Work on projects even when you feel like you are in a bad mood. The completion of a project can actually release endorphins that can lift your mood.

What I really love about these tips in particular is that they get at the “what’s underneath” of the avoidance.  I have several comments about this that I will make in a future series of posts on this very important topic.  In the meantime… Enjoy Bea’s blog.

Have a great day!

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