If you want to see Coach Nick gone wild, come see one of my live workshops or join us on the 1st Annual Strength more »]]> I couldn’t resist jumping on the “SH!* _______ Say” trend. But, I’m replacing the first word in the title with “Stuff” because I keep my site a family show.

If you want to see Coach Nick gone wild, come see one of my live workshops or join us on the 1st Annual Strength Cruise this Feb 17-20th

I’ve recruited a very diverse group of some of the worlds Top Personal Trainers and Conditioning Coaches to bring you “Stuff Smarty Pants Personal Trainers Say.”

All to often we forget that training is just WHAT WE DO, but it is NOT WHO WE ARE! So relax, have fun and enjoy laughing at ourselves a bit while we learn in the process as we’ve said most of these things to our own clients.

I hope you enjoy this post as much we did putting it together.

Stuff Smarty Pants Personal Trainers Say!

From yours truly:

“I don’t Warm Up. I do Movement Preparation” (What?)

“Cool Down? I do Recovery & Regeneration” (Another what? I though recovery was sleep and mental/physical rest)

“Just because you can display good exercise form doesn’t mean you’re not hiding your dysfunctions well” (Then that also means you can hide your dysfunctions during an assessment as well since assessments/screens look at movement too)

“Just get strong! Don’t try to make the exercise functional by making it look like what you do in sport or life” (then why are you making me do lots of assistance exercises that look like the bench press to improve my bench press?)

“I don’t use Machines because they are non-functional since they don’t resemble anything you do in sport or life” (Wait, what did you just tell me in the last comment about NOT worrying about functional stuff?)

“I don’t do single joint exercises! Now, let me show you how to perform this knee dominant training exercise” (Uh…?)

“We do this to Buttress the spine” (Who the heck regularly used the word  ”buttress” before they read some spine books in the last 2-3yrs)

“Yoga sucks” 

“Bike riding sucks”

“Running Sucks”

“Steady State Cardio sucks”

“Bodybuilding sucks” (I know what sucks worse – Sitting on your ass and adding even more confusion and frustration to people’s lives by telling them they can’t do any activities they actually enjoy, unless it fits OUR personal fitness biases)

“Cardio makes you fatter because it releases cortisol” (What? Now walking is bad for you? And, lifting heavy stuff is less stressful?)

 “Dr. McGill says…”

“Pr. Janda says…”

“Shirley Sarhmann says…” (Does anything you say NOT have some one else’s name attached to it? What do YOU think about it? Since you are a fitness trainer and those are all therapists)

“Your client has (cancer, diabetes, arthritis, elephantitis, a missing limb, a glass eye, pain anywhere, past injury anywhere) – Have you FMS’ed them?”  (I guess none of these people can ever workout because we don’t want to add fitness to dysfunction and they’re ALL dysfunctional)

“My FMS score is higher than yours – That means I’m more functional than you!” (The fitness trainers says to the Professional athlete)

“It’s not 600 muscles. It’s one muscle in 600 fascia pockets”

“What fascial line does that exercise train?” (Ah, since fascia covers our entire body – EVERY exercise from biceps curls to sprinting trains the fascial lines)

“Have you tried that exercise on a suspension trainer? I bet it’s better!”

“There’s a lot of shear forces in that exercises” (Ah…there are shear forces on every exercise!)

“I foam roll before I workout to improve the quality of my facsia” (How do you know if you can’t see it to begin with?)

“All you need to do to be functional is Deadlifts, Kettlebell swings and Turkish gets ups” (If you’re already going to do some version these moves anyway, what good is your assessment?)

“Kettlebells take away muscle imbalances.”

“You’re not supposed to workout unless you’re wearing no shoes or vibrams”

“When you use Kettlebells you should only wear Khaki paratrooper pants”

“People have back pain because of doing too many flexion exercises” (Surely back pain can’t be from being lazy, inactive, fat, weak and eating like crap)

“How would you perform that exercise in the frontal and transverse plane?” (We live in a 3D world. SO EVRY exercise is tri-planar!)

“Now try that exercise standing on an unstable surface and it’ll be even better”

“Your TvA is off”

“Your glutes are off”

“You have glute amnesia”

“Your abs aren’t designed to flex your spine”

“Not try that exercise with an abdominal brace”

“You’ve got to pack your neck”

“Your breathing patterns are wrong” (What? If some one wasn’t taking in enough oxygen, they’d already be in the hospital. And, they ceryany would NOT be able to get through 10min of remotely challenging exercise.)

“We don’t do bodybuilding exercises, like rear-delt flys. Have you tried doing shoulder T’s? They’re great!”

“We don’t do isolation exercises. Now, lets start with some glute activation bridges.” (Then, aren’t shoulder lateral raises shoulder activation?)

“I don’t do supine flexion movements because your abs don’t work that way when you’re standing up. Now, let me show you the proper way to ly down on the bench to improve how you do your bench press.” (The abs work differently based on whether you’re lying or standing, but the pecs work the same regardless of body position?)

“Do exercises that mimic the movements of a baby” (You realize that when I was a baby: my bones, brain, connective tissues, muscles, etc. were far from developed like they are now? Does that mean I also have to UNlearn how to talk and perform mathematical problems, etc. Plus, I roll around in bed every  for 6-8hrs each night so I already got the rolling covered. And, I’m still not in great shape. That’s why I’m coming to a personal trainer!)

“Exercises and movements aren’t the same thing.” (HUH? I though the whole purpose of doing corrective exercises was to improve my movement patterns so I could better perform exercises and not add strength to dysfunction?)

“We don’t do chest and shoulders exercises – We do Horizontal and vertical pushing exercises”

“I want joint centration on all exercises” (what happened to joint neutral? Is centration more neutral than neutral?)

“You’ve got to do several weeks of corrective exercises to get into shape before you can workout”

“As trainers, we don’t diagnosis, but my screening results say you’re dysfunctional” 

From Jon Goodman

“If you don’t have protein within 20min of your workout you may as well stay home”

“Today we’re doing Tabata training for the whole hour”

“Our ancestors ate Paleo — it’s how we evolved”

“Train with me. If you want to know more check out my shirtless Facebook picture”

“I’m doing intermittent fasting this week”

“I group high fructose corn syrup and the devil in the same category” 

“Kettlebell’s the new Dumbbell” 

“Suspension training’s the new Dumbbell”

“The Kettlebell is the most effective fat burning tool every invented”

“The Kettlebell is the most effective fat burning tool every invented”

“Rebuild the pelvic floor” (seriously — can half the ppl saying this name 2 muscles of the pelvic floor?)

“What?? You’re pregnant? Do kegels all day”

From Sean Hyson

“spread the floor”

“you’re out of alignment”

“your glute med is fast asleep”

“you’re sagittal plane dominant”

“the best exercise is the one you’ve never tried”

“this is another tool for your toolbox”

“everything works but nothing works forever”

“hump the bar”

“stay tight!”

“explode”

“crush the bar”

“sit back with your hips”

“tuck your elbows”

“big arch”

“big air”

“it’s all you, man”

“train movements, not muscles”

“body part training is dead”

“you’re doing it wrong”

“commit to the pull”

“You can’t out-train a bad diet”

Dan Blewett

“That was too slow. Try it again, but this time with more fastness.”

“Sure. You can put a pad on the bar. Let me ask the girls if they have any.”

“The elliptical is great; skinny-fat here we come.”

“I don’t want to live in a world without BOSU balls”

“That was good. On this next rep, squeeze your Kegels even harder.”

From Juan Carlos Santana

“Muscle weighs more than fat”  

(Usually said to fat people who are being pigs as a reason to justify quick weight again after starting personal training. STOP EATING CRAP AND YOU WILL DROP WEIGHT!)

“Kinesthetic Training”, “Proprioceptive training”, and “CORE TRAINING”

(Usually used by over-educated and under qualified trainers to confuse clients and convince them some circus acts are actually good training exercises.)

“Breathe”

(Another teaching cue from trainer suffering from “instructional diarrhea”!  Shut up already they will breathe when they are ready!  Cant you see they are performing a Valsalva (necessary to protect the spine!)

“Draw in”

(Another outdated stabilization cue. If a client hears this they can be guaranteed their trainer does not read and stayed updated! “Drawing in” is the Polyester and platform shoes of fitness!

“This training (usually Pilates) lengthens your muscles”

(What are these people doing – surgery to detach and reattach muscle to the more distal location?

“Yoga makes makes you flexible”

(FUNCTIONAL FLEXIBILITY determines what you can do and it is mediate by strength.  Putting your head between you knees can only win you a bar tab, or put you in certain sexual positions)

“Meat Head”

(A phrase skinny-ass trainers use to describe someone bigger and stronger than they are.  USUALLY AN INDICATION OF ENVY!  Lol)

“We have to fix your muscular Imbalances”

(LMAO! Go ahead and turn your client into a person with no extremity preferences – they wont know what hand to wipe their ass with!  THE BODY WAS MADE NEUROLOGICALLY AND MORPHOLOGICALLY ASYMMETRICAL! What ARE YOU FIXING? Where is the line, the criteria, or the value by which we measure symmetry, and more important – ASYMMETRY. So when do you know you did your job)

From Jon-Erik Kawamoto

“Push your knees out to make room for your hips”

“You must learn how to squat like a baby”

“I said no scapular elevation when you row!” (WTF)

“Pretend like you’re squeezing a nut in between your butt checks” (WFT x2!)

“Press your tongue to the top of your mouth”

“Your deep neck flexors are off”

“Keep your knees out to reduce the valgus stress!”

“Drive out of the hole!”

“Shear stress is not your friend”

“Pack your shoulders”

“Chest out, Butt out, arch back, like a striper”

“No, you should never use the elliptical”

“Train the movement, not the muscle” (WFT)

“Like you’re holding your pee” (WFT)

“Nice snatch”

“Your snatch needs work”

“The low bar back squat shortens the moment arm”

“Deadlift in bare feet, squat in lifting shoes and stop wearing heels”

“No, you can’t do girl pushups”

“Nice front rack”

“Your scapulo-humeral rhythm is off”

From Rick Kaselj

“Your posture sucks.”

“You need to work on your core.”

“You need to strengthen your rotator cuff.”

“You need to stretch your hamstrings.”

“You can’t let your knees pass your toes.”

From Carl Valle

“Let’s get functional. We run on one leg at a time.”

“We need to work on movement quality instead of putting fitness on dysfunction.”

“No intervals? Do you want to look like a sprinter or endurance athlete?”

“We want to get mobility and stability” 

“I am not a personal trainer, I am a Human Performance Specialist” 

“Lets work on power. Go grab that 15 pound kettle bell so we can do some swings.”

“You looked stressed, let’s just do some regeneration work. “

From Bret Contreras

“At _____ gym we train movements, not muscles.” (client is thinking, “but I want to train muscles”)

“You have a weak core.” (having never tested their core strength of course)

“You have gluteal amnesia.” (having never tested their glute strength or felt to see if their glutes are firing of course)

“We need to build mobility before stability.” (says to a hypermobile female client)

“Draw your tummy in for stability.” (client is thinking, “this doesn’t make me feel stable”)

“Your _____ (insert muscle of the month: tva, psoas, QL, multifidus, diaphragm, pelvic floor, glute medius) is _______ (insert phrase of the month: dysfunctional, inhibited, tight, weak, locked long, locked short).”

“First up we need to work on your breathing patterns.” (client is thinking, “my breathing patterns didn’t cause me to put on 50 lbs”)

“We’re foam rolling to improve the quality of your fascia” (client is thinking, “my fascia will feel just fine when I lose 20 lbs”)

“You’ve gotta own a movement before I load you up or I’ll just be putting fitness on top of dysfunction.” (client is thinking, “I suck at everything so we’re gonna be here a while”)

“I’m going to create a proprioceptive-rich environment so you can create authentic movement patterns.” (client is thinking, “does this mean we’ll be heading to the circus?”)

“You’ve gotta feed the machine! You need to consume calories to burn calories.” (client is thinking, “that hasn’t panned out well for me so far”)

“If your abs were designed to flex your spine they’d be built like hamstrings.” (client is thinking, “all I know is that when I crunch my abs burn”)

“You don’t have 600 muscles; you have 1 muscle in 600 fascial pockets.” (client is thinking, “okay cool then now will you let me train my biceps since there’s no such thing as isolation?”)

“You have a limited number of flexion cycles which you need for tying your shoes so I won’t waste those precious cycles prescribing you crunches.” (client is thinking, “I thought you said standing hamstring stretches don’t count toward my total flexion cycle count”)

“We don’t do squats, they’re not a true leg exercise they’re a back exercise since your low back is the weak transducer.” (client is thinking, “don’t I need a strong back?”)

“I’m not having you do ____ exercise, it’s a single joint movement and they’re not functional.” (client is thinking, “aren’t RDL’s, YTML’s, hip thrusts and ab wheel rollouts single joint movements?”)

“If it’s important, we do it every day.” (client is thinking, “you told me heavy deadlifting was important so should I do that every day?”)

From Adrian Crowe

“Your toe to fingertip mechanics are misfiring”

“You’re leaking power all over this bitch” (client looks around confused)

“Contra-lateral 3D power in the frontal plane is where the magic happens!”

Trainer: “I need you to work on anti-rotation!” Client: “How do I anti-flex something?”

“I don’t like to use the word broken, but you’re completely dysfunctional when you do ___________”

“Your vestibular and proprioceptive systems are poorly trained and that’s why you wobble in one leg movements! Here, step on this BOSU!”

“Flare your lower lats like a cobra!” (while getting a figure competitor type client to do a lat pulldown)

“We don’t bicep curl or do crunches in this facility as the EMG research shows the vertical pulling movements like the chin up recruit, at both peak and mean values, the bicep brachii and rectus abdominus musculature far more that isolation based training.”

From Deanna Avery

“pecking ab order – you want to hit lower abdominals, obligues, then upper abdominals”

“you abs should be tight with every exercise you perform”

“running first thing in the morning only burns fat”"put your tongue on your molars while curling and you’ll also work your abs”

“air conditioning inhibits growth hormone release”

“heat inhibits growth hormone release”

Vince McConnell

“You’ve got issues in your TFL, ITB,QL, and VMO. You need to roll-out more”

“If you turn your hand like this, you’ll isolate that”

“Now THAT’S a posterior chain movement”

“Low reps build mass…so stick with high reps to tone-up”

“stay in your target HR zone to burn more fat”

“you’re a valgas squatter so let’s go with the leg press”

“kettlebells hurt your back”

“It doesn’t matter WHAT you eat. It’s ALL about portions”

“anything overhead injures the shoulder”

“Don’t squeeze so tight…it’ll raise your blood pressure“

“static stretching will make you weak and slow”

“You gotta lift heavy weights to build good legs and glutes. (Uh, oh, he has great legs because he rides his bike to work, and she’s got great glutes because of zumba)

From Claudia Micco

“Lift your leg and imagine and angel is pulling on your leg.” (One of those cool Yogi ques)

“Tuck your tail under and squeeze your butt real hard.”

“Working out in high heels is great for your legs.”

“Women should do incline chest flyes because it lifts and firms up the boobs.”

“Your knees should never go past your ankles when doing squats.”

“Squats are bad for your knees.”

“Squats are bad for your back.”

“You should only do functional training.”

“Stand on this Bosu ball, on one leg, juggle three 25 lbs Ketel Bells and sing the National Anthem for vestibular training.”

“Behind the neck presses are the best way to build you delts.”

“You should never do crunches….ever!”

“Lift this weight as fast as you can, don’t worry about the form, your stablizers will eventually become stronger.” (heard from a crossfit class instructor)

“Jumping jacks are great for you ankles.” 

“Only pussies do Pilates.”

“The Rotary Torso machine is the best for your obliques.”

“We are working the lower transverse abdominal muscles.”

“Warm up by jumping up and down off this 2 foot box 50 times”(another crossfit class)

“You can’t be a vegetarian and build muscle.”

“You have to take steroids to compete.”

From Rick Mayo

“If you can’t do pull-ups, you shouldn’t even think about doing bicep curls”

“You have to perform 20 perfect push-ups before you can bench. You have to earn the right to bench press in my house”

“Everything works your core, so we don’t need train it”

“If you don’t grow your own vegetable garden, and buy only free range, organic meats, you’re not eating right”

“I know you want to tone your butt, but you really need 30 minutes of Y’s and T’s”

“You need more dorsi flexion”

“The foam roller saved my life. No seriously”

“Kettlebells are the only tool you’ll ever need! Ever! They may even cure cancer”

“If you can’t deadlift 3x times your weight, you suck. Yes, even you ladies”

“We really need to hammer those medial glutes”

From Kara Silva

“Core in tight!”

“Squeeze with those glutes!”

“Fasted Cardio.”

“Across Broad Time and Modal domains”  (its a crossfit saying incase you haven’t heard it)

“That is not a functional move.”

From Tony Gentilcore

“We’re going to work on “accumulation” in the first two weeks of training, and then focus more on “intensification” for a few weeks after that.” (how about we just, you know, train?  Why the funny names?)

“I don’t read anymore.  I’ve learned all I need to know” (this was actually said in a conversation I had with another trainer a few years ago).

“You don’t need to work your core if you squat and deadlift.”

“Fat loss is nothing more than dialing in your diet.”

“This works your medial delt.”  (no such thing is a medial delt).

“This exercise really works your “stabilizing” muscles.”

From Kate Grevey Blankenship

Per Nicky T (yours truly) – ” give me your best playboy bunny – chest up, butt out.)

“Okay… stop! Start all over”

“What was that? That was ugly”

“I call this the retarded chicken”

“Oh this is tough?! Then we should stop.”

 Yes, I have said all that stuff to Kate while we were training

From Rob Taylor

“Go stretch to warm up!”

“We have to stretch more so we don’t pull muscles.”

“You need to do Yoga. Those people are never injured because they are flexible.”

“Grab a big blue ball and let’s do abs. The unstable surface makes it harder for the muscles.”

“Rest between reps so the ATP can recover.”

“Let’s press on a ball today. It engages your core more.”

“We are going to run a mile before practice so we are fit in the games.”

“Plyometrics are what prevents ACL injuries. Let’s do them every day at the end of practice.”

“You need to stay between 50% and 60% of your maximum heart rate so you are in your fat burning zone.”

“Anaerobic training doesn’t burn body fat.”

“You want me to eat more calories to lose weight? What do you mean I am under eating?”

“I hydrate! I had a red bull for breakfast, a mountain dew at lunch and a beer when I got home.”

“I NEVER do back or shoulder work when I am on my chest days!”

From Mark Young

“The obesity epidemic is caused by carbs.  Don’t eat them or you’ll get fat.”

“Especially wheat because you’re probably gluten intolerant.”

“And definitely not fruit because fruit contains fructose and fructose is the devil.”

“But you can eat vegetables.  Only organic ones though or the pesticides will mimic estrogen and make you fat.”

“You can eat all the protein you want and you can’t get fat though.”

“As long as it doesn’t come from dairy.  Dairy cows have hormones…and those will make you fat.”

“Oh…and your meat has to be organic too or you’ll die of Cancer tomorrow.”

“But you can drink fluids…except diet sodas because those have aspartame and this will also make you fat.”

“So you can pretty much just have water…as long as you don’t drink out of plastic because the estrogens in plastic will make you fat.”

“Don’t worry though…because I have a diet that will alter your hormones (which I don’t actually measure) and this will make you lean.”

“The cost is $129, but you can try it today for $1.”

From Brendan Chaplin

“You need to improve your external/internal rotation by 3 degrees before we do any heavy lifting!” (Errr get a grip!)

” do sets of 20 reps fast and light to tone up your muscles” (Try losing some bodyfat!)

“Think about breathing all the way through the reps whilst your doing your heavy squats”

“to get that lean look you need to take this supplement and just eat (insert random food here)” (try good clean nutrition and quality training)

“We need to get your trans abs activated before we move onto actual exercise” (yeah right!)

“The best way to get fit is doing, intervals/sprints/boxing (insert activity here)” (….fit for what?)

From Mike T Nelson

“Everyone knows the key to balance training is to stand on a BOSU ball with one leg while pressing a kettlbell overhead while juggling 3 angry cats with the other arm…..ok, maybe not”

“I forgot you have gluteal amnesia”

“Women are afraid to pick up non bright colored DBs, but yet will carry their 25 lb kid around all day in with one arm”

“This is not rocket science, pick stuff up and put it down while measuring the response to it”

“Humans are the most adaptable organism on the planet and while a diet of ONLY Twinkies it not good, having A Twinkie on occasion should not destroy you either.”

“I’m always amazed at how bad people can eat and still function ok .  If I put sugar in the gas tank of my car, I would not make it around the block, yet some athletes can live on Taco Bell for years”

” The goal is to expand what you can eat within your limits, not restrict it”

“If everything makes you better worse, focus on the exercises that make you better is actually corrective.   If that is all you do, then everything is corrective, thus there is no corrective exercise”  –Adam Glass

From Mike Spiegel

“Engage your core”

“Draw in Your Abs”

“Tuck your hips under”

“I don’t train muscles, I train movement”

“This exercise promotes inter- and intra-muscular coordination”

“Your glutes are reciprocally inhibited by your overactive psoas”

“Straighten out your feet on those squats. No external rotation-EVER!”

“This bosu squat elicits optimal neuromuscular efficiency”

“The research will tell you that crunches lead to herniated discs”

“I specialize in proprioceptive neuromuscular facilitation”

“I specialize in prehab and post-rehab.”

“I specialize in metabolic conditioning”

“This exercise will promote better EPOC!”

“After our warmup, we will begin the workout with Post-Activation Potentiation supersets”

“This exercise helps recruit maximal motor units.”

From Brad Schoenfeld

“This is a great toning exercise” (what the heck is a toning exercise?)

“This exercise gives you long, lean muscles” (unless you are going to surgically reattach the origin or insertion, it’s a physiological impossibility)

“I’m a corrective exercise specialist” (and exactly what qualifies you to claim this title?)

“I have every one of my clients perform (fill in the blank) exercise” (exercise program design must be adapted to individual needs, abilities, and goals–not vice versa)

“Never let your knees travel past your toes on the squat” (read the research!)

“This is a great exercise to isolate the (fill in the blank) muscle (it’s impossible to isolate any of the major muscles–the best we can do is target one vis a vis another).

“Crunches will ruin your spine” (read ALL the research!)

“Bodybuilding is non functional” (show me a bodybuilder who can’t lift a package)

From Joe Stankowski

“you need to train in the “fat burning zone”

“superslow? pfffft…”

“now really SQUEEZE the muscle”

Prospect on phone: “how much does personal training cost? – Reply: “I dunno. How fat are you?”

“milk is for babies…” (in best ahhhnold voice)

“NO you can’t use lifting straps. If you can’t hold the weight, you shouldn’t be lifting it, either.”

“hold on to the bar and push your feet through the floor”

“keep your head up! head UP! HEAD UP! …now shoot your hips!!!”

“look at all the african tribes-people that squat below parallel with their knees beyond their toes all day long… do you think THEY have bad knees?”

From Sarah Rippel

“Arnold used to train legs barefoot.” 

“If you didn’t puke or pass out, you didn’t train hard enough.” 

“Rhabdo? That’s not a big deal.”

“Crunches are bad.”

“Your ability to hinge is because your ____ is/are too tight and your ___ are weak.”

“This corrective exercise protocol will balance out your postural imbalances caused by a lifetime of being human!”

“We have to balance out your body before we an even address weight loss.”

“Running is bad for you.”

“High-rep Olympic lifting is an awesome idea!”

“Your left peroneus longus is tight. That’s why the intercostal that lies between your third and fourth ribs on the right side is spasmed. THIS is the reason for your pinky toe pain! Here, hop on this lacrosse ball!” 

“Oh my gawd, you don’t eat Paleo?”

“Oh my gawd, you don’t drink coconut water?” 

“Oh my gawd, you ate canned veggies?”

“I’m more qualified than any trainer who has a college education in exercise science because I have ‘real world’ experience.”

“I’m more qualified than any trainer who doesn’t have a college degree in exercise science because I plunked a ton of money into acquiring as many certifications as possible in my one-year career.”

“Working with clients doesn’t make you a more knowledgeable trainer.”

“My background? Well, I’ve always been athletic and fell in love with exercise when I discovered X (system of training). After three months of three-times-a-week X workouts, I realized I’d found my calling, so I dished out $1k for a weekend certification and now I’m a coach!”

“No, I don’t train clients each and every day, but I pretend I do online via my daily blog posts. I get tons of traffic! Wanna pay to use my subscriber list? It’s all about the list!”

“I own multiple bootcamp locations in three countries, make seven figures a year, and work one hour a week.” (ha!)

“No, I don’t think personal trainers who are in shape are more qualified/marketable/respected than those who are not.” (said by out-of-shape trainers)

From Jonathan Fass

“One, Two, Doing good three, Four, ok one more, ok good, just one more, ok, one more, ok, one more, ok eight, ok nine, okayyy okayyy okayy okayy aaaaaaaaand done. Just five more sets to go!”

“Look, just don’t eat after eight pm and you’ll lose a ton of weight”

“I don’t know why I’m not writing for Men’s Health, I read the articles and I could totally do that.”

“Are you sore? OMG, you’re going to be sooooooooooo sore!”

“Do you take protein? You really should so that you don’t waste your workouts”

“Today is chest day”

“Today is back day”

“Today is arms and shoulders day”

“I’m doing abs today”

“I don’t write down the workouts, I just come up with it as I go along so that my clients don’t get bored. That’s why I like this job: I get to be creative all the time”

“Hey, can I give you some advice? You should try this exercise, it’ll really make you burn. Btw, I’m a trainer here, if you want to get some sessions”

From Jim Kielbaso

“We focus on fast-twitch muscles.”

“You don’t lay on your back on sports, so the bench press is useless.” 

“Just think about how much better (insert incredible athlete) would be if he/she just trained with me.”

“It’s all about dorsiflexion.”

“So and so trained with me (insert athlete who visited the gym one time) so you should too.”

“Always do bodyweight exercises before using weights – even if the person can’t do a single pull-up, don’t use a pulldown machine.”

“Getting strong isn’t functional.” Says the weak guy.

“Speed isn’t functional unless you know how to control it.” Says the slow guy.

“You don’t need to train your neck.”

“You get plenty of neck work through other exercises like cleans and overhead presses.”

“Standing on a stability ball is a good idea.”

“I don’t care if no elite athlete can do this exercise, they should be able to. It’s going to make them better.”

“I prefer free weights because they hit my stabilizers.”

“Today we’re going to work back & bis”

“That’s adding strength to dysfunction.”

“Your feet are causing all of your problems. Going barefoot will fix everything.”

“We’re going to groove this pattern.”

“We’re going to increase your tactile awareness.”

“Your t-spine is the problem.”

From Jason C Brown

” Your deep longitudinal subsystem is tight”

“Opps sorry, it’s your superficial front line that’s tight.”

“Don’t eat fruit, it will make your liver explode”

“Tomatos are fruit, not vegetable, and therefore will make your liver explode. “Don’t eat them or anything made from them”

“Don’t eat nuts, they’re high in inflammatory fats.”

“Don’t eat grains, they’ll kill you.” Funny, the oldest people on earth eat grains.

“Don’t eat legumes, they’ll also kill you.” Also funny since the oldest people on earth also eat legumes.

“Dude, your fifth metatarsal is totally screwing up your golf swing.”

“Weight is weight, your body doesn’t know the difference” Strange, those two 150lb dumbbells feel a lot heavier than that 300lb barbell.

“Make sure you eat every 2-3 hours…otherwise you’ll shrivel up and die.”

“Make sure you eat every 2-3 hours…otherwise you’ll be a fat tub of lard.”

“See my new photos? Yeah, the ones with me under the bridge, shirtless holding my gym bag.”

From Jim Smith

“back…back…back”

“arch…arch…arch”

“drive…drive…drive”

“pack the neck!”

“dude, you totally relaxed in the hole”

“dude, you fell forward in the hole”

“You know why? Because you’re not balancing your pushing and pulling movements.”

“WWJD – What Would Janda Do”

Creatine? Ah….yeah, I take it. It’s the most researched supplement ever bro.”

“You got to wear layers”

“I’m on that new conjugate, strongman and TRX hybrid training system.”

“Movement starts with the breathing.”

“You forgot to brace.”

“Louie.”

“You’re too acidic.”

“Adrenal fatigue bro.”

“What did your HRV tell you to do today?”

“You’re overtraining”

“You’re underreaching”

“You’re too sympathetic”

“Your tonic like a statue”

“Shakira has good hip mobility”

“You’re still using that white foam roller? You need to get on that PVC pipe.”

“Your shoulder is hurting? It’s your big toe bro.”

“Rib flare? No, I said Ric Flair.”

From Josh Henkin

“My workout rules I went from an 4 to 12 on my screen”

“Just stick with the basics”

“Olympic lifting gives you more power for everything”

“What’s your Fran?”

“Don’t eat carrots, there is too much sugar in them”

“We are doing it this way because elite lifter “so and so” does it (to a newbie client)”

“You have to learn how to climb over this wall because you never know what life will throw at you!”

“No one likes bootcamps”

“A tool is just a tool” (no we aren’t talking about trainers;)

“Sprinting is a great way to lose fat” (if you are fat, then I doubt you can sprint well)

“Overhead lifting will kill your shoulders, let’s go hit the bench.”

“Can I slam this?”

“I’m doing ground reaction force training” (code for O-lifting)

“Oh yea, I train a lot of athletes”

“Burpees are the most amazing conditioning exercise”

“I’m doing skill work today”

Add in Your Own “Stuff”!

Please feel free to add in your own “Stuff Smarty Pants Personal Trainers Say” in the comments section!

Also, feel free to share this post as a fun educational tool with your friends and colleagues.

The idea is not to stop doing the bench press. It’s about doing the bench press along more »]]> As you learned in my TRUTH About the Bench Press post with Coach Juan Carlos Santana – Bench Press performance most likely does not carryover well into the Standing Pushing actions involved in life and sport.

The idea is not to stop doing the bench press. It’s about doing the bench press along with other exercises, which likely have a higher potential of transferring into standing pushing actions.

One of the best exercises we’ve found to improve standing pushing strength is the Standing Single Arm Cable Press!

How to do the Standing Single Arm Cable Press

This exercise is certainly not new. But, the way we coach it seems to be new to the fitness professionals and conditioning coaches we’ve taught it to.

Put simply, the One Arm Cable Press is a great exercise! Watch the video below and discover how we’ve made it even better!

 Be sure to check out my latest T-nation article The TRUTH About the Bench Press to discover why The mega man-crush we have on the bench press doesn’t necessarily add up to better athletic performance.

Now You Can Listen to My Blog!

Also, as part of our on-going website updates – I’m excited that you can now LISTEN TO THIS BLOG!

Click on the tab at the top, right-side of this site and you can instantly listen to any of my blog posts, FREE!

 We’ve all heard the saying “If it happens once it’s an accident, if it happens twice it’s a coincidence, if it happens three times, it’s a more »]]>  According to Webster’s dictionary a PATTERN is “a reliable sample of traits, acts, tendencies, or other observable characteristics of a person, group, or institution <a behavior pattern> <spending patterns>”

 We’ve all heard the saying “If it happens once it’s an accident, if it happens twice it’s a coincidence, if it happens three times, it’s a pattern.”

 Put simply, a pattern is a habit that’s consistent and repetitive. And, therefore predicable!

 Most of us watch our clients move as a way of assessing/screening their movement patterns in order to help us decide on our training approach.

What we’ve done at Performance U is apply that same logic on a larger scale to assess the movement patterns of the fitness industry as a whole, which has helped us to form part our current training philosophy.

 When I say “industry movement patterns” I mean the exercise education movements, which are the current trends in professional fitness training.

 Assessing Fitness Industry Movement Patterns

 Fitness training has became mainstream in the last 30 years or so. When we assessed the industry movement patterns over the last 30 yrs. until today – We found there was a consistent, repetitive, and predicable pattern, which we feel is faulty/dysfunctional.

 Here are two examples of the same industry movement pattern that we feel is faulty:

 The Abs Training Movement Pattern

First we were told to do Sit-ups. Then the experts told us to do crunches because “they were safer.” Then the experts convinced us to “Draw in” our Belly button to “activate” the magic (TvA) muscle to ensure optimal spinal stability while doing everything from crunches to Squats. Now the experts are telling us “not to flex the spine”(no crunches or sit ups) and not to draw in our belly button at all!

Now, remember when we learned about doing crunches instead of sit-ups. At the time the evidence was put to us in a way that made it seem clear, scientific and practical. Then when we learned about the TvA Draw in technique, we were mesmerized by 2,3,4 5+ hr. long lectures, which gave us all of the reasons why the TvA Draw in was “it.” And, at the time, we felt the “evidence was clear.” Today, many people feel “the evidence is clear” about not flexing the spine.

The Squat Training Movement Pattern

Another great example is the pattern of advice we’ve been given over the years to “save our knees” when squatting.

 First, we were told to squat as low as possible (ass-to-grass) for full range of motion. Then the experts told us  “just go to parallel.” Then it was “don’t let you knees go beyond your toes.” Now, it’s supposedly a completely “vertical tibia” we should be after.

 “Where facts are few, experts are many”

The RESULTS Are IN!

 Did you see a pattern in those two exmples? – We at Performance U sure do! And it goes way beyond what some would think is just an evolution of knowledge.

 The pattern we see is: Every 5-10 years industry “experts” find smart ways to convince us to use certain specialized exercise techniques, which they later end up telling us are “silly” and “wrong.” Then they convince us to use their “new”, “updated” technique, which they of course change again as they “get smarter”. And, this pattern has continued to repeat itself over and over again to this day!

“I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.”

No wonder there’s so much confusion, frustration and intra-industry animosity  between fitness professionals arguing about how we should squat or train our Abs, when our industry leaders have us flip flopping like an old pair of sandals.

 ”My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right”

Those who do not learn from their mistakes are destined to repeat them!

So if we realize the PATTERN that every 5-10 years we change what we do, and laugh about what we WERE doing before. Than why should we not expect this pattern to continue?

In other words, why should we put our faith into the “newest” industry movement (i.e. the latest special technique) when history has consistently, repeatedly and predictably already shown us that it’s most likely going to be wrong and deemed silly any day now?

 These are the tough questions we must ask ourselves.

 Now, I can’t answer these questions for you. But I’m happy to share the answers we’ve come up with that best fit us.

Our Corrective Solutions to the Dysfunctional Industry Movement Patterns

 At Performance U, we no longer allow ourselves to get caught up in arguing for or against specialized training techniques that will most likely come and go (like all the others) any day now.

 Instead, we focus our training and educational programs on the aspects of training, which have stood the test of time and have continued to be proven safe and effective. Such as:

-       When you lengthen and shorten a muscle or muscle group under and appropriate load, it becomes stronger along with the connective tissues around it.

-       When you repeat a movement pattern often, you get better at that movement pattern.

-       Follow the SAID principle!

-       If it hurts, don’t do it!

-       Eat less crap!

-       Move in a controlled, pain free manner, and move often!

-       Move in 3D

-       Use various forms of training because each modality has unique benefits that other modalities miss.

-       If you want to be fast, train fast.

-       If you want to be strong, lift heavy stuff!

-       If you want to be mobile and relax a bit, do yoga!

-       We sit often, so do more to strengthen the muscles on the the backside of your body, which reverse the siting postion.

-       Do more work on your weak side

-       Be mindful of your form and don’t sacrifice movement quality for movement quantity.

Basically, what we feel we know is only two things:

1. Specialized industry techniques are always highly debatable, mostly based on opinion and predictably change every 5-10 yrs. like clothing styles.
2. The basic principles of move more, move well and eat less crap remain consistent and proven!

 So we focus on doing what we know because we value the time and money our clients and students are willing to spend with us. And, we’re not willing to risk not giving them the highest value of training by using techniques that are based on a leap of faith hoping the industry experts got it right this time. Nor do we want our workshop or mentorship attendees to look back on our course content 5-10yrs from now and say, “this is outdated and obsolete because it was based solely on the industry trends of the time.”

 Sure our training approach has evolved over the years. And it will continue to do so. But “evolving” to us doesn’t mean to simply buy into a new industry trend or to blindly put our faith into the latest training system all the cool kids are using.

 We take pride in emphasizing battle-tested training concepts & techniques that are timeless. And, we’ve found little to no need to bother with most of these specialized industry concepts anyway because our programs don’t create the problems these techniques are designed to solve.

“I know so little, but I know it so fluently”

 I don’t care what day and age you’re in, the bullet points I provide above will never go out of style. That is, unless we start making humans robotic or something

 Final Thoughts

 I’ve often been called a “contrarian” and deemed as someone who rejects new industry developments.

 Now you know why I will continue to remain skeptical about new industry developments and won’t get on-board with any school of thought or training modality unless it fits along with the techniques and concepts we already know have a long-standing history of being proven effective!

Based on our assessment of fitness industry movement patterns, we have every reason to believe most “new, specialized techniques” will come and go. And, I personally don’t want to be one of those teachers who provides educational strategies that comes and goes along with them!

That said, on daily basis I get messages from motivated fitness professionals asking me “How can I write for fitness magazines?”

 So to kick start the new year – Today’s post is going to cover my thoughts and strategies more »]]> As a teacher/coach, I define my success by the success of my clients, students and readers.

That said, on daily basis I get messages from motivated fitness professionals asking me “How can I write for fitness magazines?”

 So to kick start the new year – Today’s post is going to cover my thoughts and strategies on how YOU can become a freelance fitness writer for the major, national and international magazines.

2 Prerequisites to becoming a Writer for the Fitness Magazines

As someone who in the last few years has written over 50 articles for over 20 major fitness magazines, I’ve had a great deal of experience as a freelance fitness writer.

In doing so, I’ve found there are two Prerequisites the magazine editors are looking for, regardless of which magazine it is.

The Prerequisite are:

1. You must have good ideas that are unique (have a hook), easy to understand and immediately applicable for the general population.

AND

2. You must be a credible fitness writer who’s already proven that you can provide high-qulity training articles, write them in a concise manner and deliver them in a timely fashion.

 Magazine editors are overly busy, under lots of pressure and have deadlines to keep. They won’t commission an article out to someone who hasn’t already proven themselves as a credible fitness professional who’s capable of writing their ideas in a solutions based manner with mass appeal.

In order to build credibility as a fitness writer, as a fitness professional, and to hone your craft as a writer – I recommend you follow this 3-step process:

3-Steps to Becoming a Writer for the Fitness Magazines

Step 1 – START A FITNESS BLOG!

Blogging will help you become a better writer through constant practice. It will also help you become better at writing about your ideas in a concise, solutions based manner.

Additionally, Blogging can help you find your “niche.”

After blogging for while you’ll find there are certain subjects that you write about most often, which are the subjects you’re most passionate about. Learning how to focus on these subjects will start to “brand your style” and help you separate yourself form other fitness bloggers by creating a unique value to your work.

So Blog, and Blog often!

Step #2 – GET YOUR ARTICLES PUBLISHED ON THE FITNESS WEBSITES

If you can get your written work published on a fitness training website like T-Nation.com, WannaBeBig.com, EliteFTS.com, BodyBuilding.com, MuscleandStrength.com, etc. You’ll know that you’re ideas are worthwhile to readers because these websites won’t publish stuff unless they think it’ll get attention and benefit their readers.

Getting your articles published on these training websites will also help to build your credibility (as a writer & as a fitness professional) and bring lots of attention to your Blog.

Plus, many of the magazine editors I’ve worked with often read these websites (especially T-nation) and often pull talent from them when they think a certain writer’s subject matter can easily be tailored to their magazine audience.

How to get in-touch with Fitness Websites?

In order to get in-touch with editors of these fitness websites, I recommend contacting someone who has already written for the site you desire to work with.  And, when you do – Give them a finished article to review.

Now, I write for these websites and I’m far too busy with my own stuff to reply to every damn email I get from folks who want to write, which is almost every trainer and their brother. But, I’m more willing to take time out of my day to help other fitness professionals of whom I’ve already met in-person, talked shop with and found to have great ideas. I’ll also be more inclined to help those who have Blogs, which are full of great content.

Basically, as I’ve told you – You need to have some CREDIBILITY!

Every trainer says their ideas are good. But, what do you have to show for it that’s unique and different from everyone else?

My Personal Story

After meeting Eric Cressey and talking shop a few years ago, I sent him a very rough video of an upcoming DVD I planned on filming. He liked it. So not long after – I sent him an article I had written, which he also liked.

Only then did he put me in touch with the great folks at T-nation. That article became my first ever published work for T-nation entitled “A New Angle on Cable Training“.

Eric helped my early in my writing career because I built credibility with him. And, since then I’ve helped a select few writers in the same way because these individuals separated themselves from the herd and built credibility with me!

Step #3 – GET YOUR ARTICLES PUBLISHED IN THE FITNESS MAGAZINES!

To get your work published in a major fitness magazine, I again recommend you contact someone who’s already written from the magazine publication your desire to write for.

But, I suggest before you do this, you have at least 3-5 articles already published on a major fitness training website(s).

You see, there’s an old saying that “If you tell a good joke, people will say “That’s funny”. But, if you’re ALWAYS telling good jokes, people will say “YOU’RE Funny.”

Magazine editors are excited to work with writers who have shown a history of producing great content on a consistent basis. There are lots of people who have one good idea that gets published somewhere, then you never hear from them again.But, there are fare less of those who posses the ability to always crank out great work. These are the people of whom we all will take the time to read thier work simply because we know if it has thier name on it, it’s probably good! And, these are the people the magazines are looking for!

Having several articles published on a major website will give you the credibility as someone who’s SMART, not just some one who had one smart idea.

My Personal Story

After I had written about 4 or 5 popular articles for T-nation like “How Not to Warm Up“, “Everything Push Ups” & “Making Gains with Pain” – I again contacted Eric Cressey about putting me in touch with Men’s Fitness magazine. Eric was happy to help me because he’s a good guy who understood that he wouldn’t be where he is if someone wasn’t humble enough to recognize his talent and nice enough to help him.

So he put me in contact with Men’s Fitness. And, when he did, I was excited to discover that the editors there already knew of my work and were very excited to work with me because I had already built credibility with them!

Now that I’ve been lucky enough to have worked with a multitude of magazines – I’ve referred many of them to Eric C . Along with a select group of other fitness writers/trainers of whom have already established themselves as credible to me from the body of work the’ve previously put together through Blogs, articles published on various training websites and through personal interactions.

Final Thoughts

There is no exact science to writing for the magazines. Nor does what I’ve said above guarantee you’ll get an opportunity to work with a major fitness magazine. But, I can promise you from personal experience and from the experiences I’ve seen from others who have worked with the magazines – Following the advice I’ve provided above certainly will drastically elevate your chances of writing for the magazines because you’ll gradually separate yourself from the herd and establish yourself as a smart trainer and as a good writer!

If you have the discipline to go through the process I’ve provided above, and understand that it takes TIME & CONSISTENCY to establish yourself as a credible resource – You’ll eventually find that the magazines will seek YOU out!

Getting your work into the magazines isn’t just about “who you know.” It’s also about “who wants to know you.”

So if you want to write for the magazines in 2012 and beyond – Get to work on establishing yourself as a professional the major fitness magazine editors will “want to know!”

We’ve actually developed TWO awesome 7-4-7 Back Workout Protocols, which I’m sharing with you today.

Before I more »]]> My recent post on the 747 Protocol was very popular and I’m still getting daily emails about it. Additionally, I’ve had several requests for Back/ Pulling workouts using the 7-4-7 workout protocol.

We’ve actually developed TWO awesome 7-4-7 Back Workout Protocols, which I’m sharing with you today.

Before I give you the workouts, I wanted to mention that:

YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO JOIN US ON THE 1st ANNUAL STRENGTH CRUISE, Feb17-20th.

Watch this video to get the latest Strength Cruise info and special offers!

The 747 Back Workout Protocols

Both of these Back workouts are Hybrid 7/4/7 sets because they mix up grips within a given set to create mechanical variation, which allows for more overload through a higher volume of work.

Here’s Figure Athlete Jackie Gough demonstrating how to boost the intensity of your Lat Pull Downs and Barbell Bent Over Rows with our hybrid 7/4/7 workout protocol.

747 Lat Pull Down Workout Protocol

747 Barbell Bent Over Row Workout Protocol