Oh Dermot. I really enjoyed your presenting work for T4 and BB, you were funny, cheeky and a bit cute. But now you grumph and splutter your way through any contestant interaction, roughly pull and push them onto their marks and generally act like a horrid little man. I know that Stacey isn’t the most eloquent of communicators, but that does not give you the excuse to make fun of, or dismiss her so quickly.

What is up with the all-contestant sing song at the start of the show, pre-recorded much? I want to hear them all off key and failing to harmonise where is the fun in miming?

More annoying than Dermot Dumbface and the mimers, is that the results show is an hour long – an hour – but because most of the hour is taken up with already famous artists that have singles out that week, then the obligatory interview which is basically Dermot shouting ‘we don’t have much time, when’s your album out?’ , there isn’t any time for the actual results.

When it is finally time to get the results, after 55 minutes of padding, they are in a mad rush to get opinions and votes from the judges where Dermot demands ‘I need an answer, I’m sorry I’ll have to hurry you’. Then in quick succession the result is announced, then the best bits, then it’s over. We barely have time to see the tears from the losing contestant. I want tears, I’ve invested 2 hours of my life to this telly show and, damn it, I want to see the grief and sadness in all it’s ugly detail.

And Dermot, please stop saying ‘God Bless’ at the end of the show, I do not care for your wacko religious views.

In fact, this year (so far) selfishly seems to be all about the judges: Death, crying, absences, solo careers, scandals, arguments etc etc…What about the artists?! So far, quite forgettable.

Rachael will have to stand up against Danniis choices if she wants to make it past week 3. Her outfits are not reflecting her great personal style, and song choices are not showcasing her voice or charisma. I liked Rachael pre-liveshows, but Dannii has transformed her into something quite unlikable.

They have to start acting like a group, but instead chose to look as awkward as possible with each other. With Sugababes hitting the skids they could be successful as an edgy 3 piece girl group, if they would only GET OVER THEMSELVES.

Their lack of unity, and the disappointing history of girl groups on Xfactor over the years makes Miss Frank my choice to go this weekend.

Tchau meninas!

They have an inch of hair for every ton of suck.

**UPDATE Sunday 18th**
After their amazing Britney tribute I have decided I want them to stay! They are better entertainment than nearly all the other contestants, esp dull Lucie and weepy Ricky.

My tip for the first act to be booted from XFactor…I didn’t like them one bit and girl groups don’t seem to do too well.
Plus…did you see her forehead? Yikes.

Click here to get your printed copy of the map from my shop.

The plan is to make it a fully interactive map with links and all sorts so watch this space.

PS This is my first non-image post, woo!