ChristWire

Nicholas Cage Tries to Claim He is Not a Gothy Vampire Witch

Frank Meyer — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:16:52 +0000

Several months ago, startling Civil War era photos emerged and they revealed that Nicholas Cage is a gothy vampire witch. While this is happening more and more with younger cohorts who listen to demonic deathmetal bands like Black Veil Brides, Skillrex, Johnny Danger and Deadmau5 and chant lines they hear in Harry Potter and Twilight, it’s rare to see it happen with a man so old. Not since the days of Vlad Tepes did we see older men really infected [...]

China Reports Kim Jong Un is Dead Via Weibo (Knockoff Pirated Communist Version of Twitter)

Thad Connely — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:24:19 +0000

The Chinese are up to their usual tricks of thievery and chaos. Today, the Chinese government revealed they downloaded Twitter’s source code from notorious pirating site “The Pirate Bay” and instantly used the service to cause massive torture and chaos for the people of North Korea. Only several weeks ago, God took the life of Kim Jong Il for harboring prolonged communist tendencies. Kim Jong Il’s son and successor, Kim Jong Un, was decidedly American and wanted North Korea to [...]

New Macaulay Culkin Photo Has Liberal Media Atwitter, Claiming Actor ‘Is Not Well’

Karen Gray — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:11:26 +0000

Is a scruffy, gaunt and usually-slim-eyed Macaulay Culkin wasting away and not well, or just being his usual self? That is the question that’s burning through the liberal media headlines today after photos of an admittedly thin Culkin have emerged. In the world of zero-sized models, it seems interesting that Culkin’s looks are offending so many people. If people who care about him are concerned, that’s one thing, but this seems to be a case of vulture a-swarming much like [...]

Walmart Kidnapping, Courageous Brittney Baxter Kicks and Screams to Fight off Kidnapper (Video)

Amber Vos Savant — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:01:21 +0000

It is the most terrifying nightmare for any parent. Each day, children are abducted from playgrounds, homes and schools across the country. There seems to be an epidemic were sick individuals are increasingly abducting children in this nation. Another story of tragedy almost took place at a Wal-mart in Bremen, Georgia. Seven-year-old Brittney Baxter was innocently looking through the toy aisle, being entertained as any seven-year-old child would be. Then, horror. It is all captured on tape. A stranger comes [...]

Stalone Shoulder Surgery With Schwarzenegger Have Homosexual Marriage Californians Curious

Abe — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:14:28 +0000

Famed ‘elder bronie’ Sylvester Stallone, who went by the moniker “The Italian Stallion” in his younger days, has caused many eyebrows to raise after getting a couples’ shoulder surgery with former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Before the two lightly touched each other’s hands before surgery, Stallion boy said, “After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The Expendables 2 and The Last Stand, it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder. Look who was coincidentally waiting [...]

Outrageous Michelle Obama Forces US Military to eat “Salad Rations”

Scott Grunhard — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 06:30:47 +0000

Irate military personnel being forced to eat salad and drink water, as a iron-browed Michelle Obama watches them eat new food she dictates they must eat. In the latest affront to decency, the Obama have launched a full out assault upon the American military. Hiding her agenda under the guise of ‘public health’, Michelle Obama today lauded the US military for being ‘fat, overweight and overfed’. The First Lady said effective immediately, all military personnel were not to enjoy a [...]

Blacks Nationwide Mourn Closing of America’s Oldest KFC

Abe — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 04:48:22 +0000

Shreveport, LA – The local black people of Shreveport, Louisiana, are in mourning today after the oldest KFC east of the Mississippi closed its doors for good. Known as the “Lucky Clucky” by locals, the KFC on Martin Luther King Jr. BLVD was a favorite stop for families after long church services on Sundays and before heading to the dime casino on Saturdays. Local man Antoine Jenkins reported, “They ain’t none other KFC like this. They got the skin [...]

VIDEO: Christian Dad Shoots Computer to Keep Daughter from Being an Evil Emosexual

Susan B. Xenu — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 03:01:39 +0000

Now this is what I like to see. Every time I see a rude, ignorant, unholy, sinful or obscene post from a emosexual on christwire or my facebook page (www.facebook.com/susanbxenu) I wonder where are the parents? Sometimes I do my part. I have looked at the kids page and copied their mean messages to their parents or what not. But it seems no matter how much I do, it is never enough to stop the tide of evil emosexuals in [...]

Valentines day, What it really means

XxEmo_PaganxX — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:45:15 +0000

EXTREAMLY IMPORTANT!! OPEN TO ALL WHO WILL LISTEN!!!

Kyle Dyer Dog Bites News Anchor Video

Adam Nelson — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:29:11 +0000

A heartwarming scene where a news anchor, Kyle Dyer, bent down to pet a rescue dog that the firefighter pictured had saved turned to absolute chaos when the dog was possessed to bite the news anchor in the face. Michael Robinson, pictured between Dyer and the firefighter, could only helplessly look on as his newly adopted pet was coerced to turn and snap by the unction of trauma and dark forces. The scene above is gruesome and horrible, but we must remember [...]