The Chinglish Adventures of Chairman Mao

Back from the Dead

2011-07-07T19:56:00.000+08:00

Former Chairman Jiang Zemin loves playing practical jokes. And everyone fell for it once again.

During great Chinese Communist Party 90th birthday party with Chinese Socialist characteristics, Jiang played hide and seek with paparazzi. He also planted secret message in Hu Jintao's speech to public. If you play the speech backwards it says, "Jiang Zemin is dead." and then gives great recipe for sweet and sour pork. After few days, the joke got out of hand with rumors flying from the evil Western media propaganda news makers. So, Jiang brought himself back from the dead by drinking vitality baijiu made from seahorses and snake blood.

Jiang Zemin's other great practical jokes with Chinese characteristics:

In June 1989, he promised to give students everything they want...as long as it didn't bring shame to their parents.
He said it was perfectly safe to sell blood in Henan province. The following year he erased Henan from the maps so journalists couldn't find it.
He said the Great Firewall of China was to keep out Mongolian hackers.

Great Breasts Forward

2011-05-19T20:40:00.001+08:00

According to Shanghaiist, the CEO of a housekeeping company has become certified to massage women's breasts. Xia Jun had to go through three months of intensive breast fondling training on interns before paying for his license to fondle women for pay. It is expected that Mr. Xia will provide all female employees with pre- and post-meeting breast massages.

Chairman Mao is confident that Mr. Xia's expertise in breast fondling will make everyone at his company more happier. It is expected to improve morale in his company and reduce the number of mistresses employed by executives. It will improve his female employee attractiveness more than the glorious Chinese invention of the Boob Clamp!

Everyone Has a Day

2011-03-03T21:26:00.000+08:00

Happy Mistress Day!

Celebrate this glorious celebration of women that wealthy business and political leaders found at KTV with the purchase of genuine Louie Voitton pleather purses and man-purses.

Tell your mistress, "I think you're swell and younger than the mother of my government-approved one child. We'll stay together until I find someone younger and more gullible."

Hu Visits Foreignland

2011-01-21T02:11:00.000+08:00

Harmonious Chinese leader Hu Jintao is on visiting trip to Foreignland to have dinner with Obama. It is historical vacationing for President Hu. He is discussing details of glorious economical deals with Foreignland. While foreigners complaining about intellectual property, Hu is responding thusly, "In 5000 years history of harmonious China, all your inventions are our intellectual property as was discovered during Huang Dynasty. You owe us royalties plus interest." Obama agreed to continue advertising campaign for BlockBerry, and will now replace Jackie Chan in selling ~~toxic~~ healthy chemical Bawang anti-hairloss shampoo.

The state dinner event was eventful. Foreigners did not extend enough courtesy to visitors from great China though. How can we eat steak and lobster with chopsticks? And why were staff so upset about throwing lobster shells on the floor? After dinner, we went to Chinatown to eat real food and sing karaoke.

Give Peace a Chance

2010-12-10T01:22:00.000+08:00

Harmonious Chinese society announced the winner of the Confucius Peace Prize for Glorious Harmoniousness of Society Person to Benefit Harmony in China. This prestigious prize was invented thousands of years before the Nobel Peace Prize and is a great tradition of China.

This year China honored Lien Chan from that eastern island that shall not be named. Because he lives on an island, Lien could not swim to Beijing to receive his prize. Therefore, we gave the cash ~~bribe~~ prize to an orphan girl who will return to her work unit at Foxconn, where she helps create gadgetry for Apple.

Super-duper Computing

2010-10-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

China has the world's fasterist computer in the world. Suck on that Foreignland!

Chairman Mao would like to thank Commodore Computers for helping China's super-genius computer geek squad in assembling great computers from Ikea. Wen Jiabao was very helpful with the Allen wrench.

With this greatly designed feat of computer engineering, Chinese can access all 20 government-approved websites in great fastness.

Liu Who?

2010-10-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

The smoked salmon eating viking pirates of Euroland awarded Nobel Peace Prize to Chinese man named Liu Xiaobo. While Chairman Mao is pleased that this prize is finally coming home to great China where it was invented 2500 years ago, he is also regrettably to inform Norwegianese that this person does not exist. In glorious 5000 years history of harmonious and human rights abiding China, no one by the name Liu Xiaobo has ever existed.

However, let us not let this prestigious prize go to waste. Chairman Mao will happily accept on behalf of himself and the great socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics government of China.

The Right Beat

2010-08-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao has digged up this classical Chinese video from our greatly successful Cultural Revolution.

This is irrefutable evidence that China invented Michael Jackson. We kindly ask the WTO to grant China royalties from years past.

Laowai's New Gig

2010-07-03T00:39:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao fired his English teacher a while ago. He showed up to class drunk too many times. But in recently times, Mao found that English teacher has a new work in New York's Chinatown. It's nice that laowai teacher learned enough Chinese to find a new work.

BZZZZZZ

2010-06-19T01:46:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao has come down with World Cup fever--it's much more dangerous than swine flu as it renders the millions of infected people useless for a month.

Chairman Mao loves to watch soccer. It's a great socialist sport with all the ties--what better way to show how equal the proletariat are. He has also found great joy in the vuvuzelas. For now, China will allow South Africa to claim the vuvuzelas as their own, even though Chinese invented the horns 3000 years ago in Hunan.

After the soccer has finished, Mao plans to eat the mascot as it is very good for vitality. Plus, the big cheetah is sure to taste better than the Fuwa or Haibao.

Your Internet Speech

2010-06-08T21:18:00.000+08:00

China published a new whitish paper about its invention of internet policy. China guarantees the freedom of speech of its citizens online. The paper states that "Chinese citizens fully enjoy freedom of speech on the Internet." Chairman Mao agrees that people are free to speaking their open minds online until the censors find and delete the offensive material and send the publishers to labor camp.

The Right Contract

2010-06-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao is proud of Foxconn for doing the right thing for the mental healthiness of its employees. Comrades that taking own lifes by jumping off the Shenzhen office building are causing the company to lose face. But now, Foxconn is making employees sign an agreement to not kill themselves on the company property.

Rather than placing blaming on Foxconn, which is owned by comrades on that rebel island to the east that shall not be named, we should remember that it is the fault of Apple, the foreign-devil corporation, for outsourcing its operation without checking the mentally health of Chinese employees working hundreds of hours a day to make technological advancements that no one needs.

Thank you to Shanghaiist for translating the contract for our laowai friends.

Google Returns

2010-04-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao pulled some strings and got the almighty Chinese government to drop this silly spat with Google over censorship. There's no reason for us to have the Great Firewall anymore. Welcome back Google, Twitter, Facebook, etc.

While we're at it, we'll revalue the Yuan to a more reasonable rate to appease those capitalist roaders in Washington.

Chairman Mao loves the spring air that warms up China in April...

Weaponized Food Fight

2010-03-24T02:57:00.000+08:00

India announced that will use extra-super spicy peppers to fight terrorism. India knows that terrorists can't eat spicy, so this is how they'll know those people are evil.

In response, China will begin weaponizing stinky tofu to combat separatists. All the capitalist roaders and foreign devils can't stand the smell of China's greatest cuisine. We will fill our streets with the stink of tofu freedom and rid the great Communist nation of evil forces.

Stinky tofu is also an effective weapon against vampires and werewolves.

The Tyger

2010-02-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

Tyger! Tyger! Buring bright
In the fireworks of Beijing tonight...

同志们春节快乐！Happy Year of Tiger from Chairman Mao!

A Perfect Gift

2010-02-06T01:10:00.000+08:00

According to a poll of everyone in China by the China Daily, the most renowned news source in the world, many Chinese will give the gift of cigarettes to loved ones this Spring Festival.

Nothing says "I love you and want you to live a long and happy life" like a carton of cancer sticks.

新年 [cough, cough, wheeze] 快乐！

Showing We Care

2010-01-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

China always wants to be at the forefront of caring about the needs and human rights of others.

We're Rich

2010-01-09T02:08:00.001+08:00

Some laowai says that China will be worth $123 trillion dollars in the year 2040. Chairman Mao is very happy that China will have some many riches. But he also sees a downside to that money. Why do laowai count Chinese money in US dollars? Chairman Mao predicts that in 2040 that $123 trillion will be worth 15 RMB.

Free and Open

2010-01-05T07:21:00.003+08:00

Zhou Xisheng, great Chinese deputy chief of Xinhua News Agency (founded 4500 years ago), told the world what Chairman Mao already knew. "Our country's Internet situation is unique. Compared to all kinds of restrictions in foreign countries, China has the most open Internet in the world."

Comrade Zhou is exactly right. Everything that passes through our impenetrable Great Firewall is freely accessible to anyone who pays to access the Chinese internet, which we discovered hundreds of years before Al Gore did.

Royal Realty

2009-12-23T13:23:00.000+08:00

House prices are getting higher and higher in China nowadays. Chairman Mao can barely afford to buy more houses in Beijing. It's gotten so out of hand that even the King of Englishland is dealing in Chinese real estate.

From Copenhagen

2009-12-19T11:49:00.000+08:00

Chairman Mao is back from great climate debate where we debated the existence of climate in our harmonious society. We determined that it has always been an inseparable part of China and we condemn foreign imperialists trying to taking it from China.

In effortness to further maintain control of what belongs to China, we want to encourage all comrades of severe punishments for hurting our climate.

Just a Suggestion

2009-12-17T11:47:00.003+08:00

Chairman Mao wants to remind comrades to keeping warm when the weather getting colder. But be safe when warming selfs and always be guided to warming properly.

Snowy Goodness

2009-11-07T01:43:00.002+08:00

Snowman Mao wants to remind comrades to stay warm while the government controls the weather in an effort to create a more harmonious society. Mao doesn't need to remind laowai about staying warm because they're covered in hair to keep them warm in China's winter.

Literary Minds Think Alike

2009-10-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

Chairman Mao made a new friend on his recently investment tour of New York in an effort to buy the Brooklyn Bridge and many more landmarks. Laird Hunt is a great socialist laowai writer in Foreignland.
He was in New York to promoting new book, Ray of the Star. Chairman Mao doesn't know what this laowai literature is all about, but judging from the title, it must be about how wonderful China is after Mao chased away those capitalist roaders.

Everyone Loves a Hummer

2009-10-10T07:44:00.003+08:00

Chinese are very happy that they can now go out and get a Hummer at the car dealer. Pretty soon everyone in China will be getting hummers in their homes.

Chairman Mao wants everyone to know that Hummer is and always has been an inseparable part of China. It's how we roll in the 'Jing.