Well I am honored to be adding my thoughts and experiences to this wonderful website from which I’ve drawn enlightenment, reassurance, and belonging during one of the most challenging seasons of my life.  I’ve never blogged before, nor have I really followed a blog - so  please handle with care!

I’m copy/pasting my introduction email below - it explains my situation and seems appropriate for a first blog.  Just as I have gained strength, insight and tips/tricks from this wonderful website, I hope to return as much, or more, back.

Blessings all,
-Derek

Wed Oct 14 13:07:00 PDT 2009

Hello Everyone,

My name is Derek and I just joined this group in search of a place where I might find tips and tricks in addition to the understanding that can only come from someone also experiencing or having experienced this gift of caregiving.

I work full time in IT Consulting which usually lends itself to very flexible work arrangements that include telecommuting.  Unfortunately on my current assignment this is not the case, but we deal with the hand we are given, right?  In addition to working full-time with a two-hour commute I am the primary caregiver to my mom and dad, one in a home the other at home with me.  I have a sister who lives 300 miles away, and friends here I don’t feel comfortable talking to about this subject in great detail, nor at liberty to call on for help.

Dad
Dad suffers from dementia (Wernicke-Korsakoff) at 100% debilitation for about 5 years now.  He currently resides in a memory-care only facility called Autumn Leaves in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.  He has been in that facility for about 2 years now, at private pay, and his funds are about depleted to Medicaid level so I’ll be moving him soon to a nursing home.  I was amazed, however, at how much nicer these facilities are than where my parents are from.  Most of the time Dad still knows who we are, but like anything, he has good days and bad days.  He has been on hospice now for about 8 months and while the initial shock of that was difficult, it does provide him some extra care and they pick up the extra costs for things like Depends and ‘make comfortable’ medicine.  Dad is 73.

Mom
Mom stays with me, although we have left her official address with their home in Oklahoma.  She has been here a couple of years now as well, unable to take care of herself enough to live alone.  Mom contracted Hep C from a needle stick at work which has now resolved to end-stage liver disease.  She has been waiting for a liver transplant for 6 years now and at 63 is bumping up against the maximum allowable age for transplantation.  We’ve actually just been advised that her status is on hold, pending application for a kidney transplant because the kidneys cannot sustain the surgery or subsequent post-op medication schedule.

The doctor actually just shared his opinion that she would not receive a transplant; advising me to take her home and make her comfortable.  We are proceeding, of course, as if he didn’t say that because that is unacceptable to us.  They also found a tumor marker blood level (alpha-fetoprotein) jumped dramatically and that could indicate liver cancer, which is common with liver disease.  An MRI was difficult because she couldn’t do the contrast, which made the test incomplete.  We are currently waiting on results from a back-up Sonogram done last Saturday that was moved in from December, to next week, to last Saturday through my assertiveness and insistence that waiting was not acceptable when cancer was a possible outcome.

I have learned that You HAVE to advocate for your care recipient.  If you don’t know, ask.  If you are uncomfortable, say so.

Mom’s care is a daily struggle, particularly because her liver failure creates a condition called hepatic encephalopathy, which is like a brain confusion.  It manifests as a confused, semi-conscious, dementia-like state where motor function along with cognitive function are greatly diminished.  It is a 100% hands-on dependent situation when it occurs and we are coming out of a pretty long stretch.  The only treatment for this condition, caused when ammonia backs up from the liver into the blood stream and settles in the brain, is a laxative, which as you can imagine is quite difficult with someone having no coordination or physical control.

A Home Health Aid helps during the day and I have night-shift and weekends.  It is challenging but rewarding and I feel honored to be doing this for her and know this is what I’m supposed to be doing.  The hardest part is in the day to day challenges on top of the grief that hits me periodically as I realize we’ve lost more ground.  I’ve been told, however, that grieving on the front-end is much better than afterward.

Wow – I didn’t mean to write a novel – there is just so much.  I am grateful this group is out here and I listen to the podcasts on my way to/from work in the car.  I often find the information entertaining and enlightening but it also provides a sense of belonging I didn’t expect – like some elitist group I’ve been introduced into.  I hope I will be able to bring insight and information to the group that exceeds what I take.

Blessings,
Derek

We Give Thanks

You sit expectantly by the window in your living room, watching for the blue van that brings your daughter and her family for their visit. Although the holidays are hectic, this is the part of the season you relish: The opportunity to see those family members and friends who rarely drop by anymore. These visits mean a great deal to you; for a few hours, you can be someone other than a caregiver.

You feel good about how the day has started: You had little trouble readying your husband for the visit. The home health aide arrived on time to assist with bathing and dressing. You even had plenty of time to get ready yourself. Your spouse keeps you company in the living room, watching for the van from the wheelchair you’ve positioned next to your chair. Yes, today you feel good.

Tonight, however, you feel terrible. The visit has turned into nothing less than a nightmare. Your daughter was shocked to see her father in a wheelchair, even though you told her that he needed one. Then, she was upset at the cost of the home health aide, demanding to know why you couldn’t bathe him yourself. “You’re home all day, Mom,” she said. “Why do you need someone to help out, especially if you’ve got the time?”

Speechless that your daughter, who has always been so supportive and kind, could be so, well, mean-spirited, you’ve been unable to utter one word in your defense. Now, as you sit on your bed, rewinding the events of the day in your mind, you can feel your face getting redder and redder. “How dare she,” you think, “how dare she imply that I’m not doing what’s best for my husband!” Now, too angry to sleep, you pace your bedroom floor. “What a way to spend the holidays,” you sigh.

Ho, Ho, Ho. It’s the holidays, a time that should be for loving family traditions but often  becomes the catalyst for tension-filled family rifts. In this special section, we’ll offer practical tips to help survive the holidays, including those unpleasant run-ins with sometimes well-meaning, but always out-spoken, family members. We’ll talk about ways you can prevent these emotionally-exhausting encounters, as well as ways to deal with situations when you get side-swiped. And, we’ll offer tips on handling the Holiday MeltDown. So, during the holiday season, you’ll have a chance to rest your caregiving hat—even if it’s for a few minutes.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

It seems there is much to love about the holidays.

Except for those things we hate.

So, tell us what you feel bad telling anyone else: What do you hate about the holidays?

Holiday Survival Guide

–Keep Your Cool: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/keep-your-cool-when-you-get-side-swiped

–The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/the-chocolate’s-okay-but-i-melted

–Holiday Stress Busters: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/holiday-stress-busters

–Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/ten-signs-an-aging-relative-may-need-help

–Take Our Button-Pushing Test: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/where’s-your-brother-he’s-the-one-i-really-want-to-see…

–Your Wish List: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/your-wish-list-gift-giving-ideas-for-the-family-caregiver

–What Do You Want?: http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/your-wish-list-what-do-you-want

–Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/holidays-bah-humbug

–Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass http://www.caregiving.com/podcasts/Managing_Holiday_Stress.mp3

–Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays? http://www.caregiving.com/2009/11/tell-us-what-do-you-hate-about-the-holidays

You’re already walking your “holiday” walk—slumped forward, as if the weight of planning and preparing for the holidays rests squarely on your shoulders. The approaching holiday season is stressful anyway, but with your concerns and worries and caregiving responsibilities, the stress can be overwhelming.

When planning for this year’s holiday season, keep in mind the real purpose of the holidays: To enjoy and celebrate our life and those we share it with. To ensure your time is well spent with those you love, we’ve come up with some suggestions to help you relieve stress during the holidays, as well as year-round:

1. Exercise regularly. Walking, in particular, is a great way to release your pent-up frustrations. Set aside time to walk as often as you can–whether it be in the morning after breakfast, or in the evening after dinner. If your care recipient is able, you might want to include him or her in your daily walk. In the winter, when the snow flies and the wind howls, take cover at your local shopping mall. Many malls open early in the morning to accommodate walkers.

2. Take regular breaks–daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. For instance, plan on a daily break of perhaps a half hour, spent on an activity you enjoy. Then, plan a weekly activity, such as a trip to the local library. A monthly break could be a night out with friends. A yearly break could be a family vacation. Planning ahead is important for two reasons: You can make appropriate care arrangements for your care recipient, and you have something to look forward to. Regular breaks during the holiday season are a must. Removing yourself from your situation on an ongoing basis will help you keep a perspective on what’s really important.

And, visit our game break section to play Solitaire and Find Your Way home. You won’t leave the house but you’ll feel like you did.

3. Start new traditions. Rather than insisting on keeping to ways of the past (you host and cook Christmas Eve dinner at your house), develop new ways–new traditions. Involve family members and friends in your holiday planning. If you feel resistance from some family members, then just work around them. For instance, if your sister-in-law insists that she’s too busy to bakes pies, then order pies from your local bakery, rather than relenting and baking them yourself.

Be creative in the new traditions that you develop. If shopping for presents will be too great of an ordeal for you, shop instead at your kitchen table, with catalogs, or at your desk, on the Internet. Give gift certificates for restaurants, spas and clothing stores as presents this year–easy gifts to give that will be well-received. Whatever works best for you works best for your family.

And, be sure to schedule time to spend enjoying the holidays. Perhaps the night you finish decorating your tree, you order pizza and enjoy a quiet evening admiring your Christmas tree lights.

Be sure to tell us about your new holiday traditions on our Forum.

4. Be flexible. Your husband forgot to pick up your mother at the day care center, your daughter burnt the cookies and your dog is throwing up. And, it’s Christmas Eve. What do you do?

Laugh, regroup, and make the best of it. You can plan, but you can’t control. Unavoidable mishaps or accidents will happen. Rather than allowing the mishaps to control you, control them by keeping your sense of humor, keeping a positive perspective and adapting with different solutions.

5. Let moderation be your guide. Only overindulge in laughter. Too much rich food, too many egg nogs and too many chocolate Santas will play havoc on your digestive system–not to mention on the day after.

Have a wonderful holiday season–you deserve it.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

Your aging relative may need more help if:

1. You find that some bills, such as for utilities, have been unpaid.

2. You find a stack of unopened mail.

3. The refrigerator is stocked with old food; you can’t find any fresh groceries.

4. Your aging relative has lost weight and appears gaunt.

5. Your aging relative’s appearance is unkempt.

6. Your aging relative’s home is unusually cluttered and dirty.

7. The outside of the home needs maintenance.

8. You find multiple bottles of medications, but your relative is unclear about when and why to take the medications.

9. Your aging relative no longer participates in regular activities, such as attending church or the local senior center.

10. You learn that your aging relative has received driving violations.

If you have concerns, contact your local Area Agency on Aging (call the ElderCare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for a referral). Ask for a referral to a geriatric assessment center near your aging relative. A team, consisting of a geriatrician, social worker and other professionals, can run a battery of tests to determine your aging relative’s health care condition and care needs. The team may find a short-term problem that can be easily fixed (an untreated infection, for instance). Or, they find determine a diagnosis that indicates more help and care is needed. Either way, it’s good to know where you are. Then, you’ll know where you need to go.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

Image via Wikipedia

It’s the holidays! What would a good, decadent, calorie-laden meal be without a case of red face, churning stomach and steam pouring from your ears?

There’s no time like the holidays for a good dose of button pushing. And, your family members can push your buttons like no one else.

How often do your buttons get pushed? Take our quick test:

1. It’s time to carve the turkey, which you’ve purchased pre-cooked from the local deli. Your sister comments, “It looks dry. That’s why I won’t buy pre-cooked turkey. You can’t control the quality.”

You:

A. Scream: “Why do you have to be such a pain in the butt, Susie? Why? I hate that you’re my sister!!” Your brother removes the carving knife from your waving hand and suggests that you take some for yourself. Outside. And, it’s 3 below zero.

B. Excuse yourself from the table, go to your bedroom, and scream into a pillow. By the time you return to the table, the mashed potatoes are gone. Gone.

C. Take a deep breath, count to ten and say: “Time’s a precious commodity to me. I spent time with Mom this week and buying the pre-cooked turkey allowed me that extra time. We had a great week together. It sounds like you’d like to make the turkey next year, Susie. Consider it a done deal. You’ll make the turkey next year.” And, then you enjoy those mashed potatoes you’ve been dreaming of.

2. Your family has just exchanged gifts. Your brother looks at you and says, “Dad’s loaded. Couldn’t you have cut loose with the purse strings this year and actually gotten something that we’ll like?”

You:

A. Wad up your wrapping paper and throw it, hard, at your brother, aiming for his eye, which you hit. You spend the next 20 minutes washing out his eye and trying to reach his doctor.

B. Wad up wrapping paper, bring it into the kitchen and jam it into the garbage can, envisioning that the wrapping paper is really your brother’s head. While jamming the paper into the can, you sprain your back.

C. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts and say, “I’m required by the courts to spend Dad’s money wisely so he has money he needs for any care requirements. Here’s Dad’s lawyer’s phone number if you’d like to give him a call and complain about your gift.” You enjoy a wink and a smile from your husband.

3. It’s two weeks before Thanksgiving and your oldest daughter calls. She had promised to host Thanksgiving this year, but now she says that her boyfriend doesn’t want the mess to be at their place. So, she announces, she’s bringing her, her three kids, her boyfriend, and his five kids, to your house. What time should they plan on arriving, she wonders?

You:

A. Cry; really, you sob, and ask your daughter: “What did I do to deserve such a messed-up, ungrateful, good-for-nothing daughter?” The next week is spent apologizing to your daughter and babysitting.

B. Say, “Be here at 5”, hang up and then head for the backyard with your pack of cigarettes and six pack of beer. The next day you feel like, well, you don’t feel all that great.

C. Regain your calm and say: “I’m not having Thanksgiving here. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will be able to make other plans. We would have loved to be at your home for the day. Since that’s no longer an option, your mother and I will make other plans. I appreciate the call because now I have time to make those plans.” When you hang up, you call the restaurant you’ve always wanted to try at Thanksgiving. And, then you call your ol’ Army buddy and invite him to join you.

4. You worry that this will be the last holiday season for your care recipient. With that in mind, you make extra efforts to make the holidays really special. On January 3, your care recipient tells you: “Your stuffing isn’t as good as your sister’s. I wish she could have made it this year. She makes the holidays so special. Without her, the holidays are just blah.”

You:

A. Yell at the top of your lungs, stomping your feet with each syllable: “What am I, chopped liver? Would it kill you to say, just once, thank you? Why is it so hard to acknowledge all that I do for you?” Your care recipient starts crying and can’t stop. You don’t speak to each other for three days.

B. Leave the room, plotting how to make this really your care recipient’s last holiday. You’re thinking so hard that a migraine sidelines you for two days.

C. Count to 20 (this one really got you) and say: “I miss my sister, too. I’m glad you and I were able to spend time together this year. I took some lovely photographs that will always remind me of how important this holiday was to me and how special I made it.” You excuse yourself for some alone with your journal—to let it all out.

How did you do?

If you scored mostly A’s: Your buttons are getting a great work-out—and so are your blood pressure, migraine headaches, and stomach ulcers. People will make insensitive, unkind, miserable remarks; remember, their remarks are their responsibility. Your response is yours. And, when you match an unkind word with unkindness, you create regrets and remorse, two emotions that will eat at you. Work toward changing your reaction to a response. When we change our reactions to responses, we change our life.

If you scored mostly B’s: You’re avoiding a reaction, but swallowing your pride in the process. You can stand up for herself, assert your needs, and do so in a calm, respectful manner. And, it’s important for your own well-being that you express your feelings, your wishes, your wants.

If you scored mostly C’s: Hurray! You’re in charge of your buttons. You stand up for yourself and, as a result, you protect your own sanity and health. When you’re in control of your own buttons, you leave room in your life for relationships that support and honor you.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

1. Coupons for a monthly massage.

2. A gift certificate to pay for four hours of companion or home health aide service.

3. Payment to cover two days at the local adult day center, so you’ll have two days to enjoy.

4. Arrangements by family to care for your care recipient one Saturday afternoon every month, so you can enjoy the college basketball games or an afternoon of window-shopping.

5. Your favorite movies on video or DVD that you can enjoy during the long winter months.

6. A gift certificate to your favorite bookstore.

7. A donation in your name to the charity that supports you and your care recipient.

8. Four hours of help around the house one Saturday a month.

9. Relaxation tapes and videos that you and your care recipient can enjoy together.

10. Theatre tickets–and arrangements to care for your care recipient during your night on the town.

11. Gift certificates to cover the cost of two months of Internet usage–so you can keep exploring the resources and support available on the Internet.

12. Gift certificates for take-out to your favorite restaurants so you can take a few nights off from cooking.

13. A prepaid phone card so you can keep in touch with friends from out-of-town and contact relatives when you need more help and support.

14. Payment to participate toward coaching sessions with Denise.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

As you think about the upcoming holiday season, consider: What do you want?

Perhaps you’d like a year off and would like another family member to host a holiday. Or, perhaps you’d like to
host a holiday (it’s easier than transporting your care recipient) but you’d prefer that the meal be pot-luck (everyone brings something). Perhaps you’d like to enjoy a meal out with your family.

Whatever you want, communicate your desires with your family. And, in your communication, stress what you
want (quality time with the family, an opportunity to create memories, a quiet time with family and friends) versus what you don’t want (to clean, cook or shop). When family members hear what you want, they’ll be able to respond in a way to help. If they hear what you don’t want, they may only hear complaints and simply tune you out.

Consider: What do you want? Then, tell them.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

For some reason, we believe the best time of the year should be the holiday season: When we enjoy friends and families, receive wonderful presents, eat amazing food without gaining any weight.

Sounds like a Christmas tale, doesn’t it? It seems expectations imposed on us—from advertising on television, in department stores—that the holiday season is full of love, joy and diamond bracelets.

But, what about the brother who questions your motives in caring for your mother? Or, your spouse who is so angry at his diagnosis that he barks at your every move? Are these the other diamonds of the holiday season?

So, let’s face it: The holidays don’t change our every-day circumstances. And, maybe they’re not supposed it.

Maybe the holidays should just be about embracing what we have, rather than yearning for what we perceive we can’t have. Maybe the holidays should be about reflecting on our true blessings (and each and every one us have true blessings!). Maybe that’s really what we celebrate.

So, this year, think about your holiday traditions. Do they celebrate your blessings? Do they honor you and your needs? If your traditions overwhelm and frustrate you, then it’s time for a look-see. Look at your traditions: What can you revise and adjust to meet your life as it is today? Consider:

1. Do you enjoy cooking a large meal? If you do, great. If you don’t and only do it because others expect it, then scale back to a meal that’s doable for you. Assign side dishes and desserts to other family members and friends. And, you can skip the good china if you’d like.

2. Do you need to buy presents for everyone? Sometimes, presents from the heart are much better than presents from Macy’s. How about Christmas cards for your immediate family and close friends that contain thoughts from your heart–what you admire about them, what memories of them you cherish, what you hope for them. You’ll save time and money–but still give a great gift.

3. Does your house need to be adorned from floor to ceiling? Maybe a small tree in the living room will do–one that can be easily decorated and enjoyed by you and your care recipient.

4. What do you want from this holiday season? Peace and quiet? A truce between your children? A day off? Ask for it—and then make it happen.

5. Do you have a wish, a hope, a dream? Write it down, then create an action plan to make your dream a reality. This may be a great exercise for a special evening, like New Year’s Eve.

This holiday, give yourself a great gift; leave yourself off the hook for creating a perfect holiday. Your diamond comes in the form of giving to yourself.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?

Often, the relatives you see the least can be the family members who try your patience and sanity the most. It’s your husband’s sister, who calls only twice a year, but insists on chastising you for not providing the “best care” for her brother. These encounters don’t seem so bad over the telephone. But, face-to-face, well, those are the run-ins you just dread.

Keep in mind that these relatives can’t understand or appreciate the role you play as caregiver. Because they pop in and out, they don’t understand the difficulty you face in trying to be the best caregiver possible. But, with a little education and information, you might be able to open their eyes–and their hearts.

Although you regularly update your family about your care recipient’s condition, sometimes the truth of your words hits home during a relative’s visit. When a family member first schedules a visit to see you, begin the process of re-educating them about your care recipient’s current illness or condition. Your local associations, such as The Cancer Society, Alzheimer’s Association and Arthritis Foundation have excellent brochures and flyers that can help you inform family members. Suggest that your relatives contact their local offices for tips and suggestions on how they can best handle a visit with your care recipient.

Your family members may be frightened by the condition of their once-virile and healthy loved one. But if they are familiar with the disease’s progression and condition, they will be more comfortable and understanding of their loved one.

Also, recommend that they read books that you found particularly helpful, such as The 36-Hour Day. If you keep a diary or journal detailing the activities of your day, then copy and mail to them several pages that represent a true day for you. Include a list of techniques that you have found useful when dealing with your care recipient’s repetitive questioning, loss of bladder or bowel control, or confusion.

Also, if your care recipient suffers from Alzheimer’s disease or a similar dementia, include a list of “triggers”, events or actions that seem to create a negative reaction or behavior. For instance, if your care recipient strikes out when someone stands too close to him, then be sure that your family members know that.

Perhaps your relatives would like to attend your support group meeting with you. As you know, hearing your story from someone else reduces your feelings of isolation and helplessness. Your relative may reap the same benefit.

Share your learning experiences with them–how you adapted to the changes due to your care recipient’s illness. Communicating your knowledge and experience will be helpful for you, your care recipient and your family members. Your relatives may be comforted to know that you share their anger, concerns and fear about your care recipient’s disease or illness.

Setting the Stage for Success
Because holidays may be the one of the few times that the family gathers during the year, everyone will be tempted to use the time to weigh in with their opinions on your caregiving situation. Consider asking family members to adhere to this rule: Discussions about your caregiving situation will be tabled until after the holidays. Indicate to family members that you want their insights and suggestions on your situation, but you also want to enjoy the holiday season. Ask everyone to commit to a phone conversation that will take place after January 1st, during which your caregiving situation is discussed.

Handling conflicts
Even if everyone commits to holding off until after the holidays, a visit from family members wouldn’t be the same without a family “disagreement”. With the added stress of a loved one that needs care, the family fights may become more heated and more frequent. And, unfortunately, your relatives may be looking for an easy target on which to take out their guilt and disappointment at their loved one’s illness or disease. Guess who’s the target? That’s right–you.

Your daughter may disagree with the decisions you’ve made about your husband’s care. Your sister-in-law may think your weekly trip to the support group meeting is a waste of time and that you, not some “stranger”, should be taking care of her brother.

If a conflict or disagreement arises, stay calm. Try to listen to your daughter’s objections or your sister-in-law’s argument, no matter how selfish their words may seem. You may even hear a suggestion that could make your life a little easier.

If an argument seems to be born from family members’ inability to accept the situation, you might try to agree with their feelings, rather than their words.

For instance, you might try this approach if your daughter questions her father’s participation in an adult day care center: “You know, Helen, I have often wondered if I’ve made the right choices about your dad’s care. I’ve tried a companion, a home health aide and finally this adult day care center. Of all that I’ve tried, your father enjoys the adult day care center the most. He enjoys the other people and the staff. It makes him feel like he’s going out to work every day again. So, I made my decision on what makes your father happiest. Maybe tomorrow we could visit the center so you could meet the staff.”

To your sister-in-law (who has always been difficult), you might say: “June, I understand your concern that perhaps a stranger cannot give the same kind of care that I can. I have felt that way myself. But, I am home all day and all night every day of the week, except when I leave for a few hours to attend my support group meeting. That’s the only time I can be with the friends I’ve made. You know, very few people come here to visit anymore. I feel very isolated. I’m sure you can understand that.

“The home health aide that comes every Wednesday night is very helpful, very nice. Walt likes her. Why don’t I ask her to come tomorrow evening and you can stop by to meet her? We’ll treat ourselves and go out for coffee and dessert. If, when we come home, you think that Walt has not been taken care of while we were gone or that the aide isn’t nice, then you can find someone else.”

Since you have been the primary caregiver, it’s hard not to take family members’ comments and suggestions personally. However, by keeping an open mind and standing up for yourself, you’ll find that everyone wants the same–health and happiness for you and your care recipient.

• Keep Your Cool

• The Chocolate’s Okay, But I Melted

• Holiday Stress Busters

• Ten Signs an Aging Relative Needs Help

• Take Our Button-Pushing Test

• Your Wish List

• What Do You Want?

• Bah Humbug? A True Tale of Christmas

• Listen to Managing Your Holiday Stress teleclass (Before listening, a little homework for you: What do you dread about the holiday season? What’s one wish you have for yourself? One wish you have for your care recipient?)

• Tell Us: What do you hate about the holidays?