If not, you’re not alone!

Most people feel that behaviors (as well as thoughts) are difficult to change.

And they are right.

Behavior modification requires dedication, strength, and courage.

In this short article (video), I discuss the A-B-C Model of behavior management.

Changing your behavior requires an understanding of what is triggering you, causing your beliefs and behaviors, and leading to negative or positive consequences. Without this understanding it will be hard to change what is causing the problem.

For example, if you are having marital problems because of always working and never being home for dinner, for conversation, or for family time but cannot identify the source of the problem (i.e, working too much), your beliefs around it (“I have to work”), and the consequences (i.e., getting into an argument with your husband).

The A-B-C- Model is a form of cognitive behavior therapy which focused on the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The A-B-C- Model includes:

1. Antecedents (triggers)
2. Behaviors/Beliefs
3. Consequences

For a step-by-step guide on using this model, watch my most recent video here:

Intergenerational trauma is a rare topic for mainstream society.

Sadly, that’s one of the reasons why a lot of families continue to suffer throughout generations.

Do you have a family that seems to have problems throughout generations and display ingrained patterns of behavior?

If so, you are not alone. In fact, these ingrained patterns may be a sign of intergenerational trauma.

In today’s article (and short video), I will be discuss this concept further.

Understanding intergenerational trauma is essential to understanding what components of yourself may need to be healed. You may be noticing patterns of behaviors in your own life or perhaps in the life someone close to you. There may be a good reason for these patterns that require closer observation.

I tend to define inter-generational trauma as:

“a traumatic event that began years prior to the current generation and has impacted the ways in which individuals within a family understand, cope with, and heal from trauma. ”  SOURCE: https://www.acamh.org/blog/intergenerational-trauma/

Signs of intergenerational trauma discussed in this video includes:
-Content mindset
-Intra-personal issues
-Maintaining the status quo
-Downward Spiral of economic mobility
-Defense Mechanisms
-Repeated patterns of unhealthy behaviors
-Repeated parent-child conflict (including adopted and step)
-Life-long emotional and psychological issues
-Unresolved psychiatric need

For a detailed explanation of signs of inter-generational trauma, watch my most recent video here:

Do you know how your racial identity developed?

Do you know why you see things around this topic as you do?

Did you know racial identity development has a lot to do with how you see yourself and others?

In this brief article, I discuss how racial identity can impact our worlds (even mental and emotional health) more than we may think.

It took me a few years before I could figure out what my worldview was. I’ve always been rather vocal and independent. But racial identity development may take more time to develop because of the pressure to confirm or integrate and/or the pressure to segregate in some cultures.

Even for those who are not of color, racial identity development is important in terms of how you see yourself and others, connect with others, and support others in the world.

Our racial identity is developed as we grow throughout the lifespan and may change many times over time. It is a dynamic process that is often influenced by intrapsychic and interpersonal forces.

John and Joy Hoffman compiled a model to help explain the stages people of color and Caucasian/Europeans experience as they develop.

The stages for people of color include:

1. Dissonance
2. Immersion
3. Emersion
4. Internalization

The stages for Caucasians/Europeans include:

1. Acceptance
2. Resistance
3. Retreat
4. Emergence

The two additional stages for both groups include:

1. Conformity
2. Integrative Awareness

For an explanation of each stage and examples, watch my most recent video:

Photo by W.K. Kellogg Foundation

Do you find it difficult to help this person understand the importance of getting help?

Anosognosia is the clinical term for not having the appropriate insight into one’s mental illness . It can take weeks, months, and/or years before the individual ever comes to terms with their mental illness.

In this brief article (video), I will be discussing ways to communicate with your loved one without furthering their frustration.

Insight is important for getting psychotherapy and taking medication as needed. Without insight it is difficult to accept that one has a mental illness. Trying to help a loved one understand their behaviors without insight is very difficult. Many times, it feels impossible.

When I am working with families I often suggest a few ways to get through to individual sufferers. Some ways to bring down the defenses of someone who does not have insight includes but is not limited to:

-Respond only to emotion

-Offer help humbly

-Use safety parameters to create safety

-Listen attentively

-Encourage them if you are the target

-Watch how defensive they are

– work around this

-Pay attention to their fear response

-Bring in the law (if applicable and needed)

-Don’t argue

-Don’t defend yourself

-Don’t try to “trap them

-Avoid technical language

-Don’t defend yourself 100% of the time _Stay calm, balanced

-Bring in a neutral party

To learn more about supporting a loved one or someone you care about, watch my most recent video here:

Would you know what to say to someone who suffered from delusional thoughts?

Do you have a loved one who suffers from psychosis?

Managing a relationship with someone who has delusional thoughts or psychotic symptoms can seem impossible. The misrepresentation, the delusional beliefs, the labile moods, the racing thoughts, the assumptions, and many of the other complicated symptoms can truly break apart a relationship.

In this brief review,  I discuss the basics of psychotic disorders, primarily schizophrenia.

In the past 12 years of my career as a psychotherapist I have treated at least 4 individuals with severe psychosis. With the help of colleagues, consultation, continuing education, and further training, I was able to manage the most complex symptoms such as the delusional thoughts and impulses that often cannot be managed with medication and counseling alone.

Individuals with delusional beliefs often get overlooked in clinical settings as well as in society because delusional beliefs aren’t always psychotic. They are also not always easily noticed. Someone can have the delusional thought that there is an underlying reason for an increase in Corona cases which prompts them to refuse to leave the house. What is complicated about this delusional belief is that most people wouldn’t consider this delusional belief bizarre or “abnormal” because, after all, we are in a pandemic. Family members may not look too closely into this belief either because, again, we’re in the middle of a pandemic.

But upon closer inspection one may come to realize that this belief is fraught with bizarre beliefs that the Corona virus is actually a nuclear chemical that has been dispersed in the air. The belief could include other beliefs that it is important for this individual to stay in the house because as soon as they step out of the house they will get Corona virus.

Managing a loved one with delusional thoughts can seem impossible if the above is an ongoing delusion that cannot be reasoned away.

To learn more about delusional thoughts (and the often accompanying hallucinations), click here:

Could you identify it in your parents (mother or father)?

Understanding personality takes a lot of work, patience, and time. That’s why most people go to school to study it!

In today’s brief article (video), I will be discussing character traits in your parents that you may have concern about.

Neuroticism is a central piece of understanding personality traits. It can be shown or displayed “under” anger responses, generalized anxiety, self-consciousness or conscientiousness, obsessiveness, irritability and moodiness.

I like to think of neuroticism as being a foundational piece of personality. In other words, it is the foundation of the rest of our personality and may “hide” beneath a veneer of calmness, “togetherness,” smugness, and a reserved attitude.

When I worked in a mental health hospital/clinic in my city over 8 years ago I observed neuroticism in patients who showed symptoms of schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety, and those diagnosed with personality disorders.

To learn more about this topic watch my most recent video here:

What about unhealthy?

It’s often difficult to see one’s family as “toxic,” “unhealthy,” or “traumatic.” No one wants to believe their family fits this description. We want to tall believe that our family is a beautiful puzzle and array of characteristics, behaviors, opinions, styles, cultures, fashion, etc.

But the reality is that family isn’t this cut and dry. In fact, the principles of family therapy can help us understand just how complicated the family system or structure is.

In this brief article (video), I discuss a few ways to manage difficult and unhealthy family dynamics.

It’s often helpful, once you finally accept the unhealthy status of the family structure, to engage in a few practice behaviors that can help you move from “imprisonment” to “freedom.” Some ways to begin the healing process includes but is not limited to:

1. Learning to distance yourself: Distancing yourself is sometimes the only way to heal from what your family has done to you. Separating yourself help you to reposition yourself, reset your mindset, and gain proper boundaries if you are actively working on improving yourself while away from your family.
2. Educate yourself: Education never fails us. The more you know sometimes, the better it is to deal with things.
3. Move on/Move away from guilt and shame: Shame and guilt can hold you hostage and punish you time and time again. Once you make a decision, stick with it and follow it through to the end, unless you know deep down that you need to change something or alter your response.
4. Bring the law into things (within reason): Sometimes family who are unhealthy and lack boundaries can lead us to have to get the law involved. The police, your attorney, the local DA’s office, etc. may need to get involved until your family or family member understands that you aren’t going to be bullied.
5. Set and maintain proper boundaries: Boundaries are everything. Family therapy tells us that boundaries can be rigid or porous/flexible and that it is often best to have a combination of both.
6. Avoid (emotionally, behaviorally, and cognitively): Avoidance doesn’t always mean that you are running away from something. Sometimes avoidance is wise.

For a thorough explanation of these tips and more, watch the full video here:

Photo by haldean

Would you say that you understood the behaviors and actions of your parents?

Sadly, some people would say that they grew up under “horrible” conditions and “horrible parents.”

These individuals would most likely consider their parents a sociopath. Maybe even a psychopath.

In this brief article (video), I discuss the sociopathic traits of unhealthy and unstable parents.

Research suggests that cluster B personality traits can be among the most comple and difficult to treat. This cluster includes intense emotional reactions, impulsivity, glibness and charm, manipulation, shallow engagement in relationships, vanity, stormy relationships, self-injurious behaviors, suicidal ideation, difficult and complex relational characteristics, among many other things.

Can you imagine a parent trying to navigate the life of a child with the above characteristics when untreated? To make matters worse, if we include substance abuse and a refusal to seek out psychotherapy or medication management things get much worse.

1. Cluster A Personality Disorders include: Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal personality disorder.
2. Cluster B Personality Disorders include: Narcissistic, Antisocial, Borderline, and Histrionic Personality Disorder
3. Cluster C Personality Disorders include: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality, Dependent, and Avoidant Personality Disorder

To learn more about parents with these cluster traits, click here:

References and resources: In the description box of the video.

Can you remember how your father and mother (or guardian) treated you?

For most adults they have a pretty healthy and positive view of their parents. Most of the adults I see in counseling remember the good and the bad and the challenges but overall they report a positive experience.

Unfortunately, not everyone can remember or access a positive and healthy childhood. These individuals were traumatized by the kind of parent(s) they had.

In this short article and video, I discuss the behavioral characteristic of these unhealthy parents and how they tend to behave in the lives of their children.

Unhealthy parents with character disturbance tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

1. Inflexible series of #behaviors, needs, & wants
2. No ability to self-reflect and observe
3. Pervasive pattern of #selfishness
4. Labile symptoms over the lifespan

Raising a child with these characteristics can negatively impact the developing child in many ways. A few ways include but are not limited to creating:

• low self-esteem
• a substance abusing adolescent
• a child who experiments with sex and sexual topics such as pornography
• delinquency and conduct problems
• psychological and emotional trauma

Unhealthy and personality disturbed parents can impact a child for the rest of his or her life.

For more on this topic, see the video below:

Do you know how to manage your thoughts so that you don’t get lost in them?
A lot of people struggle with managing their thoughts, especially in today’s society.

In this video/short article, I discuss the CBT/Thought Triangle. I also incorporate a short vlog at the end of the video.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic orientation or approach that provides education and tools for managing the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.Understanding this connection  will help you identify when your emotions are motivated by your thoughts.

Catastrophizing: For example, having the thought that you could get Corona just by going into a grocery store and that your chances are high for getting it. This thought can lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and feeling trapped. These thoughts and feelings will most likely lead to isolation and withdrawal or attempts at protecting yourself as much as you can. Obsessions can come from these emotions including compulsions if you have OCD or OCD tendencies. Anxiety can worsen and you can begin to experience what are known as thinking errors.

Generalization: Thinking errors are rigid ways that we think based on limited information or a skewed perception. Generalization is an example of a thinking error that can impact many of your behaviors. Meeting up with a juvenile delinquent may cause you to think that all adolescents are delinquent.

Fortunate telling: Fortune telling is another example of a thinking error. Predicting how someone will act or what your future will be, based on limited data, can negatively impact your motivation to move forward in your life.

To learn more about the connection between thoughts-feelings-behaviors click here: