You know what that means.

BRING ON THE HALLOWEEN CAKES!!

Aw yeeeeah. This is gonna be good.

YASSSS

Is that a ghost being electrocuted?

BECAUSE I LIKE IT.

Er...

I mean... Sure! Yeah! Keep 'em coming!

Wait, what...?

Why?

Is that a nipple

what is happening

stop it

Thanks to E.L., Jack, Crickie, Alacia, Jennifer C., Tina S., Lorinda R., & Igor V. for the reminder that something wrecky this way comes. Actually, a lot of somethings. And I, for one, CAN'T WAIT. Muahahaaaaaa!

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D)

"Here, in the blinding flash of our hidden wildlife cameras, we behold a truly majestic moment."

[...]

[...]

[trumpet-like fart blast]

***

"Her prey captured, the Snoot-Tusked Vander Hooper must now remain here, fangs embedded in the forest floor, until help arrives."

::contemplative chewing sounds::

*****

"Their mating call may seem unusual - even bizarre - but the Ball-Footed Duck Dong swears this works with the ladies."

"Hey girl, you up?"

Thanks to Joel N., Priscilla L., & Kacy for answering nature's call and being our #1 fans.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Now available in cupcakes!

Oh, and while we're at it...

BROADWAY OCTOPUS WANTS TO SING:

[[jazz tentacles]]

BOW-TIED OCTOPUS WANTS TO LIMBO:

FATALISTIC OCTOPUS WANTS TO CARTWHEEL:

"This will end in tears."

And, uh, Derpy here just wants a hug:

"Derp!"

Thanks to Rebecca S., Kristin S., Diane H., April R., & Lesley M. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Octopodes have EIGHT legs, bakers. EIIIIGHT!" And now...  jazz tentacles!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Or, ok, maybe you will.

Ah, but can you decipher the exact words used in this phone call?

Nailed it.

Hey, you're good at this!

Now, how well can you follow directions?

Nice to know Jackie keeps herself centered.

Marissa's boss was leaving on a trip, so she wanted to get a cake that said, "So................" as an inside joke. She specified that there should be 18 dots, so...

Good luck with that, Marissa.

(I like how the baker spontaneously switched to cursive for just the letter R.)

(Also, "Fallowing?" You ever wonder what these bakers THINK they're writing?)

And finally, you guys will never guess where the baker is going with this one!

Now with bonus color commentary on today's post: the cast of Hogan's Heroes, everybody!

Thanks, guys.

And thanks to Beth M., Jenny S., Sky C., Marissa, & Robert F. for addressing the problem.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises and has over 10,000 5-star ratings!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Why?

Because after ten years of searching out the best cakes the web has to offer, it takes a lot to impress me. And Elena Gnut, a culinary artist from Kaliningrad, Russia, knocks my sugar-loving socks off. Her cakes are pure art, incredibly unique, and I think you're going to love them.

Here, just look at her hot air balloon cake topped with floating butterflies:

That's all hand-painted! And her soft watercolors on the butterflies make them feel like something out of a dream.

More surreal sweetness: this leaping goldfish:

Everything here seems to defy gravity - and you KNOW those chocolate orbs are filled with something delicious.

I love the 3D sculpted wings on this fairy/angel:

And speaking of sculpting... this is cake:

WOW.

This one should be on a marble plinth in an art museum:

In fact, Elena could sell photos of this, right? I think I could stare at those textures all day.

Have you picked up on the subtle Gothic vibe to Elena's work? If so, then it probably won't surprise you that she's a big Tim Burton fan:

And can we talk about the genius of a Tim Burton-inspired Snow White and Little Mermaid?!

Most of Elena's cakes are pure whimsy, though, light and sweet:

D'awwwww. I may have squeed rather loudly over this one.

Another gravity-defyer:

Look at those feathery clouds! They must be cotton candy, but they look so much like real down feathers its messing with my brain.

This one has a kind of rose petal wind chime on top:

Again, dreamy and beautiful.

This one caught my eye since my parents are currently touring the midwest on their Harley:

I adore that soft color palette - so rustic and peaceful.

And finally, one last show-stopper (can you tell I'm binging Great British Bake-Off?) that literally made me gasp:

Absolutely stunning.

Elena is the only baker I follow on Instagram, and that's some of the highest praise I can give. Go give her follow for more eye candy like this in your feed, and be sure to browse the rest of her account, too, because dang, you guys. DANG.

Just to be clear, this post is not sponsored in any way, and Elena has no idea who I am. I just wanted to share something Sweet. :)

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

Have you ever noticed something... off... about Peppa Pig's nose?

I only ask because I keep getting Peppa Pig cakes over here, and they're surprisingly, er, adult for a kids' cake, if you know what I mean.

Admit it: if you'd never seen Peppa Pig before this would make you spit out your Diet Coke. I mean, what is that lizard doing?

Granted, if you do know what Peppa looks like, that's not too bad.

[sing-song] BUT THISSSS IS!

Flashing Flops Of Fleshy Flaccid Frosting, Batman!

My theory is these bakers see exactly what we see - c'mon, let's call a dong a dong here - but they're so determined to NOT see it that their subconscious takes over, gleefully piping out penises left and right because "WE'RE ALLOWED TO NOW, IT'S A PIG NOSE! WHEEEEEE!"

C'mon, that's basically every 9-year-old boy's dream job.

But still, bakers, at some point you've gone too far.
And that point is riiiiiight around.... here:

Oink oink, motherfluffers.

Thanks to Liz B., J-la, & Nadya S. for the excuse to make a Beyoncé-the-chicken joke. FINALLY.

*****

P.S. If you've never read any of The Bloggess' hilariously gut-busting books, then I highly recommend starting with her first and working your way forward:

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

The paperback is only $10 Prime, and be warned: the chapter with the raccoon hands WILL threaten your bladder control. :D

[striking dramatic pose]

Poo bee...

... or NOT poo bee?

That is the question.

[raising fist to the heavens]

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes,

Or to take arms against a sea of tribbles!

["Meep?"]

and by opposing...

END THEM.

["MEEP!"]

[raising both arms and bellowing]

Tie dye!!

To seep no more!

And by a sheep,

today we end the heartache

and the thousand natural shocks...

... is that a hair?! EW!

[Ahem.]

'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Tie dye, to seep, perchance on buttercream!

Aye,

There's the flub.

Blow, winds, and crack your heartfelt thanks to Jennifer T., Janet, Carol F., Lilly P., Amanda M., Alli S., Christy L., Sarah F., Sarah Jane, Brittany B., Paige H., and Karyn T, our Shakespearean pros.

****

PS: Been a while since English Lit 101? Then here, let me google that for you:

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep

No more; and by a sleep, to say we end

The Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks

That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,

To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub."

****

And if you think those are batty, check these bebehs out:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

No, I'm not talking about porn.

Why would you even think that?

Stop it. Stop thinking about porn.

Er... Right.

Now...

BRING ON THE PUMPKIN SPICE STUFF!!

::upbeat techno music::
::sounds of vrooming engines::

::announcer voice:: Thaaaat's right, ladies and gents, here they come! Our new pumpkin spice products of 2026!

First up, in celebration of today's socio-political climate, here's a tasty little number we call "Ominously Circling Crows Will Teach That Stupid Scarecrow A Lesson He Won't Soon Forget!"

Perfect for sending that seasonal message of warning, or grab one tonight for dinner to celebrate all things corn, crows, and frightened scarecrows!

Of course we're still dropping our flagship product, the world famous PSL:

Yes, our Pumpkin Spice Log may not be number 1 yet in the Pumpkin Spice Product market, but it's definitely #2. And we pledge to keep on pushing until our PSL is the biggest Pumpkin Spice Movement in the land!

There's nothing like the colors of dead leaves to bring new life to your flagging ennui, which is why our "Make Like A Tree, And Die" cupcake cake is PERFECT for Fall office parties.

Ahhh, you can almost taste the leaf mold.
(That's how you know the Pumpkin Spice is working!)

And when all else fails, you can't go wrong with any of our new-and-improved "Sure, Let's Call It A Pumpkin?" collection:

Please note our "Sure, Let's Call It A Pumpkin?" collection is not pumpkin flavored. To quote our marketing department, Emma, "This is more about the aesthetic, you know?"

SO EXTRA.

Thanks to Sarah T., Katelyn C., Melissa F., Linda F., Alyssa, Mary D., & Bridget O. for bringing the extra pumpkin aesthetic.

*****

P.S. Minions, I believe even questionable pumpkins deserve our support. So here's a quick shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra

See what I did there? :p

I own four of these, and plan to keep buying all the colors. I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras, and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found these gems. They average $25-30 Prime, but I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale. ("Toasted Almond" is on sale as of this writing, but check them all!)

Oh, and be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger pumpkin patches.

The best part?
THEY WROTE IT IN ALL CAPS.

[sad face here]

"Sprinkles All Over Momther" is the name of my Cake cover band.

Ahhh, NOW you're speaking my language.

(The language... OF WRECKS. [eyebrow waggle])

In a word?
NO.

Thanks to Lani T., Donna C., Patrick L., Anony M., & Rebecca P. for keeping those lines of communication nice and squiggly-like.

However, as you long-time readers know, this can be a lot like asking Francois the painting ferret** to whip you up a quick Mona Lisa. Some of the colors might be right, but in the end it's probably gonna be covered in fur and little poo nuggets. (The painting, that is, not the cake.) (We hope.)

For example:

Amanda C. asked for this, only in white and with a C:

And, in the baker's defense...

...that is most definitely a C.

Jei gave this picture to the head "chef" at a "luxury" beach "resort":

And she got...this:

I can't decide which is classier: the oozing cake or those water bottles.

Do you think the bride had to spring for those? [chortle]

Candice F. wanted this mushroom cake:

And her baker's interpretation?

Aw, those bakers: such fun guys.

Joanne and Elena wanted this stunner for their wedding:

And, to be fair, what they got did leave them stunned:

I would ask what happened to the flowers, but those squiggles have left me speechless.

And finally, Christie D. wanted her cake to look just like this, only with silver ribbon:

Pretty simple, right?

Well, here's an interesting factoid: did you know that "silver ribbon" can be translated as "duct tape"* in some bakeries? It's true. Here's proof:

That's "35 years of experience" right there.

So I'd hate to see what only two decades' worth would look like.

Thanks to brides Amanda C., Jei, Candice F., Joanne & Elena C., and Christie D. for making me feel better about my $80 Publix wedding cake.

*Note: Not actual duct tape. Duct tape is prettier.

**Loyal Wrecky Henchperson Shannon S. sent in this helpful illustration:

Quick! Somebody give me a clever ferret pun!
(I love my job)

*****

P.S. Don't worry, I have a pumpkin-spice chaser for you: Check out this card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to be hung up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.

[By I Believe It's Cake in LA, California]

Aww, how sweet is this? Cinderella's blue birds and pink ribbon add the perfect finishing touches - and if you look closely, the top filigree design looks like her pumpkin coach!

Or how about this Beauty:

[By Chocomoo Cakes in Sheffield, UK]

Fairy lights, roses, and allll the sparkly glitter on the middle tier. I approve.

I don't know if this next one's a wedding cake, but it'd be perfect for a Princess and the Frog theme:

[By Sugar Couture in Brooklyn, NY]

I like that pearly finish, it gives it a sweet glow.

This next one is pure romance and drama for a subtle Snow White theme:

[By Cake-A-Licious in Utah (now closed), featured here]

WOW. Digging all the shades of red, and the crisp gold "I Do" on the apple topper.

Gotta have a classic Cinderella's castle cake, right?

[By Disney Weddings]

This is the definition of "dreamy"; it's floating on icing clouds, and those lights! Hnnnng.

Would you have an almost-black wedding cake? I think I would, if it looked like this:

It's warm and real and bright, you guys. Like the world has somehow...shifted.

(Who's singing with me?)

[By Sweet Fix in Virginia]

Yep, the lantern scene from Tangled gets me every time. Plus that big one on the side lights up!

The briars on this Briar Rose (aka Sleeping Beauty) cake are so, so good:

[By The Disneyland Hotel]

Perfect theming, and it's a metaphor for their life together, right? Where everything is coming up roses?

I always try to feature cakes where the actual CAKE is the cool part, not just the topper. I'm making an exception for this next one, though, because LOOK HOW CUTE:

[Made by Logan Kendell. Maybe. Possibly.]

Sebastian is hugging the little figurines, just like in the movie!

This... this may be the cutest thing ever, you guys.

My jaw about hit the keyboard when I found this STUNNING Beauty and the Beast cake:

[By Happy Fest party planners in Brazil]

Then my jaw fell again when I discovered it's actually a birthday cake... for a four-year-old.

On a personal note, my own wedding cake came from a grocery store, and life is soooo not fair sometimes.

Ahem.

Here comes another stunner:

[By party planner Abrilhantando sua Festa in Brazil]

Cinderella definitely inspires the most wedding cakes! I like how they used the clock *and* the carriage, and of course all that lovely gold lace and butterflies.

And finally, a more modern style castle that's giving me some sweet Small World vibes in the best possible way:

[By Disney Weddings in Aulani]

Now that is a Happily Ever After.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. They're not exactly princesses, but it's the Sanderson sisters' season - and this blanket is as gorgeous as it is cozy:

Hocus Pocus Fleece Blanket
They also carry this at Spirit: Halloween, but I like that it's available on Amazon for folks who don't have a store near them!

Confessions of a Master Baker!

"Ordinary bakers. Extraordinary feats of bad judgment."

[baker's silhouette speaking in disguised voice]

"So then," [blowing nose] "Then I told my husband to just bring me more plastic flowers, but we were OUT OF PLASTIC FLOWERS." 

"I still have nightmares about brown sugar and chocolate shavings."

[whispering]

Confessions...

"They said they wanted 'Starry Night.' Everyone knows Starry Night, right? So I drew it from memory.

"Turns out I don't know Starry Night."

[whispering]

Telling Secrets...

"What can I say? I panicked. I grabbed the can of silver spray..."

"... and told the bride it was Art Deco!"

[whispering]

Declarations...

"I thought a fondant ribbon down the side would distract from the lopsidedness.

"... Which it did. So I guess, you know, that worked."

[whispering]

Professions, but not in a job-like way...

"How hard is it to throw a few rose petals on a cake?"

"Easier than dodging a whole wedding cake, that's for sure."

Thanks to Pat J., Erin R., Anony M., Lauren H., & Natalie W., who I hear is really quick on her feet.

*****

P.S. My confession: I don't have much of a waist, so I can't keep my stretchy jeans up without a belt - and I HATE belts. Or at least I did until I found this one:

No Buckle No-Show Stretch Belt

This is my new favorite belt, y'all. It basically turns anything with belt loops into an elastic waist. So comfy I forget it's on, slimline so it doesn't show under my t-shirts, and NO BELT BUCKLE to dig into my belly or unbuckle for bathroom breaks. Woohoo!

You know how stretch jeans are forever sliding down when you sit or bend, so you have to keep hitching them back up? No more! I wear this with all my jeans now. It's entirely elastic, so it moves and stretches with you, zero painful digging. I HIGHLY recommend for anyone well endowed with squish in the belly area.

John and I like to chat via Instant Messaging when we're across the house from each other. (Because AMERICA.) Below is our actual IM conversation from last night over today's cake:

Me: Well, this earned a triple-take: [attaches photo]

John: What is that??

Me: You'll figure it out.

John: Is it a number 1?

Me: Noooo...

John: Seriously, what the what?

Me: Look closer.

John: I literally have no idea.

Me: *sigh* It's Thor's hammer, ok?

[short pause]

[loud guffaws echo from the other room]

[short pause]

John: Ok, so why the heck is there a peanut on the tip???

Me: I have no idea. Maybe he's a Princess Bride fan?

And before you all mention it, yes, this IS a pretty great cake... minus the surprisingly obscene topper, of course. Personally I like to think that Clayton is just a fan of the Avengers and Princess Bride.

Thanks to Melanie K. for letting me hammer home another dong joke.

*****

P.S. Need to hide your eyes *and* listen to music or a good podcast? Then check THESE babies out:

Bluetooth Sleep Headphones

I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control, which works wonders for my insomnia. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they're on sale right now for $16 Prime.

Note that they do run on the big side, but that works out great if you have a big head like me.

Or this?

(Never in my life have I so fervently hoped that a cake was chocolate.)

Or, Aunt Flo help us, this?

"So, when's the party?"

"At the end of the month."

Amy M., Jenna B., & Kim W., URQTs. At least, I like to think that you are. Not in a creepy way, of course, or like I know firsthand because I secretly stalk you or anything...that would just be weird. I mean, look, I'm just trying to give you a friendly compliment, in a completely platonic, non-stalker-esque kind of way, Ok? Ok. As you were.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises, has over 10,000 5-star ratings, and is on sale this week for $6 Prime!

You kick up the leaves and the Volvo is lost...

You tell me your blue skies fade to grey

Your baker still hates you, too, they say

But I don't need no carryin' on!

You fall in the line just to hit a new low

You pretend that you meant to, but everyone knows

You tell me it's hard working here offline

Your coworkers mock you all the time

But I don't need no carryin' on!

So you had a bad day

You're itching downtown,

You sing a sad song just to drown out the sound!

You say you must know,

You tell me don't lie,

Then you work on a smile and you opt for the pie.

You had a bad day!

Now that's a bad day.

Thanks to wreckporters Connie L., Deborah P., Melissa F., Fribby, Monique R., Anony M., & Rachel B. for inspiring a new CW policy: from now on, we want any and all apologies handwritten. ON CAKE.

*****

P.S. I don't know if this will turn a bad day around, but I find having my tatas comfy sure helps. So here's a shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra

I own four of these now, and plan to keep buying all the colors. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras - usually Warners -  and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found a wireless one I liked. This one averages $25-40 Prime, so I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale. (Today "Toasted" is $22, so I snagged one of those.)

 I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger tracts of land.

WEDDING WRECKS!

Molly S. ordered this lovely ombré design for her wedding cake:

But instead, she got this:

Molly paid $500 for it.
It was still frozen solid in the middle.
And it left a giant puddle on the tablecloth.

NEXT!

Stephanie R. tells us the bride wanted a combo of these two cakes:

Oooh. Aaah.

So, a blue ombré fade on a smooth tiered cake with a monogram?

ROGER THAT.

o.0

***

ROGER, KILL THAT.

And finally, not a wedding cake, but Michelle tells me they wanted this for Madisyn's birthday:

I guess the baker didn't feel like making all those strands of fondant, though - which would probably be ok, provided the aforementioned baker can pipe even lines of oh who are we kidding.

Mmm. Finger-y.

Thanks to Molly, Stephanie, & Michelle for reminding us maybe it's time for a new trend. I'm thinking... chevrons. Eh? What could go wrong?

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

So today, let's go cuckoo for cocoa cakes with these gorgeous chocolate wedding designs.

(By The Chocolate Rose)

OoooOOoooooo...

(By Ana Parzych Cakes)

Aaaaaaaahhhh...

(By Bake Ur Day with us...)

EEEE! So pretty!

Here's a neat look:

(By Margaret's French Bakery)

I like how the chocolate is placed like broken mosaic tiles over the icing. So clever!

And check this out:

(By Kanya Hunt)

Those chocolate curls are perfection! Loving the tiny pops of lime green, too.

Another creative take:

(By Ivory Cake Company)

LOVE.

Just when you thought chocolate couldn't get any more decadent:

(By Bellaria Cakes Design)

Goooooold!
(Anyone else hear that in Gold Member's voice? Just me?)

I like how this next one looks like a giant graduated swirly slide - which I realize doesn't SOUND elegant, but lookie:

(By Ben the Cakeman)

Gorgeous, right?

You don't see too much intricate piping work these days, which makes this one all the more spectacular:

(Baker unknown. Anyone recognize it?)

WOW.
It's stunning!

And finally, a chocolate-and-gold beauty fit for royalty:

(Found here. Baker unknown)

There are no words, you guys - just lots of open-mouthed staring.

0.0

And, ok, maybe a little drool.

Happy Sunday, everyone! Let's go eat some chocolate.

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $10 Prime!

Ladies, if you could just give us a minute? Thanks.

[tapping foot while 99.6% of readership leaves the room]

[whispering] Right, then. Listen, guys. I know some of you might be "concerned" that your bride-to-be has had wedding cake in the past. And yes, she probably has!

Hey, some girls have had lots of wedding cake.

And sure, ok, maybe they were fairly large cakes.

Maybe they were even huge cakes.

But that doesn't mean she won't be satisfied with a perfectly average-sized cake!

(Ok, you can't see her face - but I'm sure she's thrilled.)

So even if your wedding cake seems a bit small and overgrown...

Or perhaps leans to the right...

Or even has a little trouble staying upright...

...the important thing is to remember that your bride loves you, no matter what. The cakes of the past are the cakes of the past! No matter how massive and sweeping and awe-inspiring they may have been.

Er...

And if all else fails, you can always buy a Ferrari.

Thanks to Kimber M., Anony M., Julia H., Tessa D., Adrienne H., Jamie, Rachel O., and Anony M., who can come back in now.

"No, no, I don't want you to write it, I want you to use one. You know, the 'Happy Birthday' sticks? Yes. One of those."

"Maybe I'm using the wrong word. Um... do you have a decorative plaque you put on cakes? One that says 'Happy Birthday'? Because that's all I want. Really. Just that!"

[massaging temples]

"See, now you just wrote 'pick' again."

"Aha! Well, you DID use some birthday plaques this time. But see, that's all I want! No writing, just one plain 'Happy Birthday' plaque."

"I feel like we're going in circles here.

"Tell you what, forget the sticks, picks, and plaques, k? Go ahead and write happy birthday. JUST HAPPY BIRTHDAY. That's it. Got it?"

Thanks to Emily H., Garret E., Dan N., Savannah W., Shelly F., Melissa W., & Evan H. for today's just desserts.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that make your head hurt, a friend recently got me this gel cap for my migraines, and sweet icy Stay Puft, y'all, it's amazing:

Migraine Hot/Cold Gel Cap
 

 I have a huge head and a lot of hair, so it's pretty snug on me, but the extra pressure with the cold is heavenly during a migraine. I used to hold a cold pack and keep shifting it around from side to side, but this wraps my entire skull in a cooling hug. Ahhhh so good.

I keep the gel cap sealed in the fridge all the time now, so I can grab it as soon as a headache starts up. The cold only lasts 15-20 minutes, but it's 1000% worth it in my book, highly recommend.

Below I've listed the inscriptions some of my trusty Wreckporters ordered from professional bakeries, followed by the cakes they actually received:

"God Bless Neal"

I hear it's His middle name.

"Welcome Baby Arnold"

The spacing is what really sells it.

"Happy Birthday Mom"

Now that's a cake only a mother named Bob could love.

[Btw, I'm starting to wonder if a baker named Bob is doing these on purpose. And if so, I want to shake Bob's hand.]

"Congrats British Lit"

I hope this starts a trend; I want to see all the ways bakers butcher "Kyrgyzstanian."

"Happy Bandwidth Upgrade Day"

"Band With Upgrade" is the name of my retro Steam Powered Giraffe cover band.

(I realize only about 3 people will get that joke... and I'm ok with that.)

"Grats to Dad"

I like to think this is the baker's revenge on everyone who shortens "congratulations" to "grats." "CONGRATS" IS SHORT ENOUGH, PEOPLE.

"Old Dirty Thirty"

At some point you stop being surprised. Or so I'm told.

"When I'm 64"

That's actually how John says it when he's singing in his "drunk McCartney" voice, so maybe Kit sang her order over the phone. Drunk. While imitating Paul McCartney. 

(Don't keep us in suspense, now, Kit: did you?)

Thanks to Colleen C., Suzanne R., Morgan & Eric, Katie D., Ethan D., Leslie C., Becky L., & Kit K. for really phoning it in today. ;)

*****

P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to hang up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.