The best part?
THEY WROTE IT IN ALL CAPS.

[sad face here]

"Sprinkles All Over Momther" is the name of my Cake cover band.

Ahhh, NOW you're speaking my language.

(The language... OF WRECKS. [eyebrow waggle])

In a word?
NO.

Thanks to Lani T., Donna C., Patrick L., Anony M., & Rebecca P. for keeping those lines of communication nice and squiggly-like.

However, as you long-time readers know, this can be a lot like asking Francois the painting ferret** to whip you up a quick Mona Lisa. Some of the colors might be right, but in the end it's probably gonna be covered in fur and little poo nuggets. (The painting, that is, not the cake.) (We hope.)

For example:

Amanda C. asked for this, only in white and with a C:

And, in the baker's defense...

...that is most definitely a C.

Jei gave this picture to the head "chef" at a "luxury" beach "resort":

And she got...this:

I can't decide which is classier: the oozing cake or those water bottles.

Do you think the bride had to spring for those? [chortle]

Candice F. wanted this mushroom cake:

And her baker's interpretation?

Aw, those bakers: such fun guys.

Joanne and Elena wanted this stunner for their wedding:

And, to be fair, what they got did leave them stunned:

I would ask what happened to the flowers, but those squiggles have left me speechless.

And finally, Christie D. wanted her cake to look just like this, only with silver ribbon:

Pretty simple, right?

Well, here's an interesting factoid: did you know that "silver ribbon" can be translated as "duct tape"* in some bakeries? It's true. Here's proof:

That's "35 years of experience" right there.

So I'd hate to see what only two decades' worth would look like.

Thanks to brides Amanda C., Jei, Candice F., Joanne & Elena C., and Christie D. for making me feel better about my $80 Publix wedding cake.

*Note: Not actual duct tape. Duct tape is prettier.

**Loyal Wrecky Henchperson Shannon S. sent in this helpful illustration:

Quick! Somebody give me a clever ferret pun!
(I love my job)

*****

P.S. Don't worry, I have a pumpkin-spice chaser for you: Check out this card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to be hung up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.

[By I Believe It's Cake in LA, California]

Aww, how sweet is this? Cinderella's blue birds and pink ribbon add the perfect finishing touches - and if you look closely, the top filigree design looks like her pumpkin coach!

Or how about this Beauty:

[By Chocomoo Cakes in Sheffield, UK]

Fairy lights, roses, and allll the sparkly glitter on the middle tier. I approve.

I don't know if this next one's a wedding cake, but it'd be perfect for a Princess and the Frog theme:

[By Sugar Couture in Brooklyn, NY]

I like that pearly finish, it gives it a sweet glow.

This next one is pure romance and drama for a subtle Snow White theme:

[By Cake-A-Licious in Utah (now closed), featured here]

WOW. Digging all the shades of red, and the crisp gold "I Do" on the apple topper.

Gotta have a classic Cinderella's castle cake, right?

[By Disney Weddings]

This is the definition of "dreamy"; it's floating on icing clouds, and those lights! Hnnnng.

Would you have an almost-black wedding cake? I think I would, if it looked like this:

It's warm and real and bright, you guys. Like the world has somehow...shifted.

(Who's singing with me?)

[By Sweet Fix in Virginia]

Yep, the lantern scene from Tangled gets me every time. Plus that big one on the side lights up!

The briars on this Briar Rose (aka Sleeping Beauty) cake are so, so good:

[By The Disneyland Hotel]

Perfect theming, and it's a metaphor for their life together, right? Where everything is coming up roses?

I always try to feature cakes where the actual CAKE is the cool part, not just the topper. I'm making an exception for this next one, though, because LOOK HOW CUTE:

[Made by Logan Kendell. Maybe. Possibly.]

Sebastian is hugging the little figurines, just like in the movie!

This... this may be the cutest thing ever, you guys.

My jaw about hit the keyboard when I found this STUNNING Beauty and the Beast cake:

[By Happy Fest party planners in Brazil]

Then my jaw fell again when I discovered it's actually a birthday cake... for a four-year-old.

On a personal note, my own wedding cake came from a grocery store, and life is soooo not fair sometimes.

Ahem.

Here comes another stunner:

[By party planner Abrilhantando sua Festa in Brazil]

Cinderella definitely inspires the most wedding cakes! I like how they used the clock *and* the carriage, and of course all that lovely gold lace and butterflies.

And finally, a more modern style castle that's giving me some sweet Small World vibes in the best possible way:

[By Disney Weddings in Aulani]

Now that is a Happily Ever After.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. They're not exactly princesses, but it's the Sanderson sisters' season - and this blanket is as gorgeous as it is cozy:

Hocus Pocus Fleece Blanket
They also carry this at Spirit: Halloween, but I like that it's available on Amazon for folks who don't have a store near them!

Confessions of a Master Baker!

"Ordinary bakers. Extraordinary feats of bad judgment."

[baker's silhouette speaking in disguised voice]

"So then," [blowing nose] "Then I told my husband to just bring me more plastic flowers, but we were OUT OF PLASTIC FLOWERS." 

"I still have nightmares about brown sugar and chocolate shavings."

[whispering]

Confessions...

"They said they wanted 'Starry Night.' Everyone knows Starry Night, right? So I drew it from memory.

"Turns out I don't know Starry Night."

[whispering]

Telling Secrets...

"What can I say? I panicked. I grabbed the can of silver spray..."

"... and told the bride it was Art Deco!"

[whispering]

Declarations...

"I thought a fondant ribbon down the side would distract from the lopsidedness.

"... Which it did. So I guess, you know, that worked."

[whispering]

Professions, but not in a job-like way...

"How hard is it to throw a few rose petals on a cake?"

"Easier than dodging a whole wedding cake, that's for sure."

Thanks to Pat J., Erin R., Anony M., Lauren H., & Natalie W., who I hear is really quick on her feet.

*****

P.S. My confession: I don't have much of a waist, so I can't keep my stretchy jeans up without a belt - and I HATE belts. Or at least I did until I found this one:

No Buckle No-Show Stretch Belt

This is my new favorite belt, y'all. It basically turns anything with belt loops into an elastic waist. So comfy I forget it's on, slimline so it doesn't show under my t-shirts, and NO BELT BUCKLE to dig into my belly or unbuckle for bathroom breaks. Woohoo!

You know how stretch jeans are forever sliding down when you sit or bend, so you have to keep hitching them back up? No more! I wear this with all my jeans now. It's entirely elastic, so it moves and stretches with you, zero painful digging. I HIGHLY recommend for anyone well endowed with squish in the belly area.

John and I like to chat via Instant Messaging when we're across the house from each other. (Because AMERICA.) Below is our actual IM conversation from last night over today's cake:

Me: Well, this earned a triple-take: [attaches photo]

John: What is that??

Me: You'll figure it out.

John: Is it a number 1?

Me: Noooo...

John: Seriously, what the what?

Me: Look closer.

John: I literally have no idea.

Me: *sigh* It's Thor's hammer, ok?

[short pause]

[loud guffaws echo from the other room]

[short pause]

John: Ok, so why the heck is there a peanut on the tip???

Me: I have no idea. Maybe he's a Princess Bride fan?

And before you all mention it, yes, this IS a pretty great cake... minus the surprisingly obscene topper, of course. Personally I like to think that Clayton is just a fan of the Avengers and Princess Bride.

Thanks to Melanie K. for letting me hammer home another dong joke.

*****

P.S. Need to hide your eyes *and* listen to music or a good podcast? Then check THESE babies out:

Bluetooth Sleep Headphones

I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control, which works wonders for my insomnia. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they're on sale right now for $16 Prime.

Note that they do run on the big side, but that works out great if you have a big head like me.

Or this?

(Never in my life have I so fervently hoped that a cake was chocolate.)

Or, Aunt Flo help us, this?

"So, when's the party?"

"At the end of the month."

Amy M., Jenna B., & Kim W., URQTs. At least, I like to think that you are. Not in a creepy way, of course, or like I know firsthand because I secretly stalk you or anything...that would just be weird. I mean, look, I'm just trying to give you a friendly compliment, in a completely platonic, non-stalker-esque kind of way, Ok? Ok. As you were.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises, has over 10,000 5-star ratings, and is on sale this week for $6 Prime!

You kick up the leaves and the Volvo is lost...

You tell me your blue skies fade to grey

Your baker still hates you, too, they say

But I don't need no carryin' on!

You fall in the line just to hit a new low

You pretend that you meant to, but everyone knows

You tell me it's hard working here offline

Your coworkers mock you all the time

But I don't need no carryin' on!

So you had a bad day

You're itching downtown,

You sing a sad song just to drown out the sound!

You say you must know,

You tell me don't lie,

Then you work on a smile and you opt for the pie.

You had a bad day!

Now that's a bad day.

Thanks to wreckporters Connie L., Deborah P., Melissa F., Fribby, Monique R., Anony M., & Rachel B. for inspiring a new CW policy: from now on, we want any and all apologies handwritten. ON CAKE.

*****

P.S. I don't know if this will turn a bad day around, but I find having my tatas comfy sure helps. So here's a shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra

I own four of these now, and plan to keep buying all the colors. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras - usually Warners -  and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found a wireless one I liked. This one averages $25-40 Prime, so I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale. (Today "Toasted" is $22, so I snagged one of those.)

 I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger tracts of land.

WEDDING WRECKS!

Molly S. ordered this lovely ombré design for her wedding cake:

But instead, she got this:

Molly paid $500 for it.
It was still frozen solid in the middle.
And it left a giant puddle on the tablecloth.

NEXT!

Stephanie R. tells us the bride wanted a combo of these two cakes:

Oooh. Aaah.

So, a blue ombré fade on a smooth tiered cake with a monogram?

ROGER THAT.

o.0

***

ROGER, KILL THAT.

And finally, not a wedding cake, but Michelle tells me they wanted this for Madisyn's birthday:

I guess the baker didn't feel like making all those strands of fondant, though - which would probably be ok, provided the aforementioned baker can pipe even lines of oh who are we kidding.

Mmm. Finger-y.

Thanks to Molly, Stephanie, & Michelle for reminding us maybe it's time for a new trend. I'm thinking... chevrons. Eh? What could go wrong?

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

So today, let's go cuckoo for cocoa cakes with these gorgeous chocolate wedding designs.

(By The Chocolate Rose)

OoooOOoooooo...

(By Ana Parzych Cakes)

Aaaaaaaahhhh...

(By Bake Ur Day with us...)

EEEE! So pretty!

Here's a neat look:

(By Margaret's French Bakery)

I like how the chocolate is placed like broken mosaic tiles over the icing. So clever!

And check this out:

(By Kanya Hunt)

Those chocolate curls are perfection! Loving the tiny pops of lime green, too.

Another creative take:

(By Ivory Cake Company)

LOVE.

Just when you thought chocolate couldn't get any more decadent:

(By Bellaria Cakes Design)

Goooooold!
(Anyone else hear that in Gold Member's voice? Just me?)

I like how this next one looks like a giant graduated swirly slide - which I realize doesn't SOUND elegant, but lookie:

(By Ben the Cakeman)

Gorgeous, right?

You don't see too much intricate piping work these days, which makes this one all the more spectacular:

(Baker unknown. Anyone recognize it?)

WOW.
It's stunning!

And finally, a chocolate-and-gold beauty fit for royalty:

(Found here. Baker unknown)

There are no words, you guys - just lots of open-mouthed staring.

0.0

And, ok, maybe a little drool.

Happy Sunday, everyone! Let's go eat some chocolate.

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $10 Prime!

Ladies, if you could just give us a minute? Thanks.

[tapping foot while 99.6% of readership leaves the room]

[whispering] Right, then. Listen, guys. I know some of you might be "concerned" that your bride-to-be has had wedding cake in the past. And yes, she probably has!

Hey, some girls have had lots of wedding cake.

And sure, ok, maybe they were fairly large cakes.

Maybe they were even huge cakes.

But that doesn't mean she won't be satisfied with a perfectly average-sized cake!

(Ok, you can't see her face - but I'm sure she's thrilled.)

So even if your wedding cake seems a bit small and overgrown...

Or perhaps leans to the right...

Or even has a little trouble staying upright...

...the important thing is to remember that your bride loves you, no matter what. The cakes of the past are the cakes of the past! No matter how massive and sweeping and awe-inspiring they may have been.

Er...

And if all else fails, you can always buy a Ferrari.

Thanks to Kimber M., Anony M., Julia H., Tessa D., Adrienne H., Jamie, Rachel O., and Anony M., who can come back in now.

"No, no, I don't want you to write it, I want you to use one. You know, the 'Happy Birthday' sticks? Yes. One of those."

"Maybe I'm using the wrong word. Um... do you have a decorative plaque you put on cakes? One that says 'Happy Birthday'? Because that's all I want. Really. Just that!"

[massaging temples]

"See, now you just wrote 'pick' again."

"Aha! Well, you DID use some birthday plaques this time. But see, that's all I want! No writing, just one plain 'Happy Birthday' plaque."

"I feel like we're going in circles here.

"Tell you what, forget the sticks, picks, and plaques, k? Go ahead and write happy birthday. JUST HAPPY BIRTHDAY. That's it. Got it?"

Thanks to Emily H., Garret E., Dan N., Savannah W., Shelly F., Melissa W., & Evan H. for today's just desserts.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that make your head hurt, a friend recently got me this gel cap for my migraines, and sweet icy Stay Puft, y'all, it's amazing:

Migraine Hot/Cold Gel Cap
 

 I have a huge head and a lot of hair, so it's pretty snug on me, but the extra pressure with the cold is heavenly during a migraine. I used to hold a cold pack and keep shifting it around from side to side, but this wraps my entire skull in a cooling hug. Ahhhh so good.

I keep the gel cap sealed in the fridge all the time now, so I can grab it as soon as a headache starts up. The cold only lasts 15-20 minutes, but it's 1000% worth it in my book, highly recommend.

Below I've listed the inscriptions some of my trusty Wreckporters ordered from professional bakeries, followed by the cakes they actually received:

"God Bless Neal"

I hear it's His middle name.

"Welcome Baby Arnold"

The spacing is what really sells it.

"Happy Birthday Mom"

Now that's a cake only a mother named Bob could love.

[Btw, I'm starting to wonder if a baker named Bob is doing these on purpose. And if so, I want to shake Bob's hand.]

"Congrats British Lit"

I hope this starts a trend; I want to see all the ways bakers butcher "Kyrgyzstanian."

"Happy Bandwidth Upgrade Day"

"Band With Upgrade" is the name of my retro Steam Powered Giraffe cover band.

(I realize only about 3 people will get that joke... and I'm ok with that.)

"Grats to Dad"

I like to think this is the baker's revenge on everyone who shortens "congratulations" to "grats." "CONGRATS" IS SHORT ENOUGH, PEOPLE.

"Old Dirty Thirty"

At some point you stop being surprised. Or so I'm told.

"When I'm 64"

That's actually how John says it when he's singing in his "drunk McCartney" voice, so maybe Kit sang her order over the phone. Drunk. While imitating Paul McCartney. 

(Don't keep us in suspense, now, Kit: did you?)

Thanks to Colleen C., Suzanne R., Morgan & Eric, Katie D., Ethan D., Leslie C., Becky L., & Kit K. for really phoning it in today. ;)

*****

P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to hang up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.

She got this:

Yeeeah.

And Meredith asked for this design with little pumpkins instead of apples:

... but she got this:

Preach.

And finally, as a baker herself, Zoey decided to keep her wedding cake design SUPER simple to avoid potential wreckage:

No piping required! Just plain frosted tiers and colored sugar crystals!

Say it with me, now:

What could possibly go wrong?

Oooh, Sherlock, you so bad.

Thanks to Imani R., Meredith R., & Zoey K., who want to know if I seriously just turned this post into a SuperWhoLock love fest. And the answer is yes, YES I DID.

*****

P.S. Brace yourself for our cheesiest product review yet:

King Arthur Better Cheddar Cheese Powder

So John is a popcorn fanatic, and has spent a lifetime sampling every kind of cheese popcorn he can find. His all-time favorite is from a mall kiosk called Doc Popcorn, where they pop and mix it fresh, but he reports the next best thing is adding this cheese powder to a bag of microwave popcorn.

John's tried half a dozen top-rated cheese powders on Amazon, and reports King Arthur is the winner for the most tangy cheesiness - with Hoosier Hill Farm at a close second. (And Hoosier Hill has twice as much for the same price, so it's the better bargain.)

So hey, if you love fresh-popped, punch-you-in-the-face cheesey cheese popcorn, try this! And according to the reviews you can also use it to make cheese sauce (just add butter and milk), sprinkle it on veggies, soups, baked potatoes... I mean, it's cheese, y'all. What's not to love?

And who among us hasn't labored over laborious labors at some point in our labors? Heck, you may be laboring right now! You might even be IN labor! And that's the labor regarding which I have begun to labor over this post. Laboriously. And from a guy's point of view.*

(*Bearing in mind that, since I AM a guy**, I've never had to bear children myself - laboriously or otherwise.)

(**This is john, btw)

So it all starts innocently enough. There you are, minding your own business with your nicely chiseled six-pack...

...when BLAM!, some dude comes along and gets all up in your business!

Okay, that came out wrong.

The point is: you're pregnant. And now your belly looks like this:

Which kind of reminds me of this plumber I once knew...

Or, if you're of the clothing persuasion, like this:

Because pregnant ladies like to carry baby gherkins in their underwear.
You know, weird cravings and all that.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later the kid wants out:

In the worst way.

And NOW you're ready to labor laboriously. Which you might think would look like this:

"Aw! Just lookit that teensy tiny baby! I bet that didn't hurt a bit!"

Yeeeeah... no.

In reality, it tends to look more like this:

Only, you know, more goopiness, screaming, nudity, and the doctor's skin under your fingernails. Really, it's kinda like a SAW movie, except you can't sleep afterward because there's an unfamiliar person screeching in your room, as opposed to just in your nightmares.

And then, after all that hard labor, you have a beautiful baby:

Who may or may not kill you in your sleep.

I mean, probably not, but there's really no guarantee.

So anyway, good luck with that, and happy Labor Day!

Meredith, Stephanie A., Anony M., Gina R., Stephen, Ginn, & Julie W., may your labors never be in vain. Or in cake, for that matter.

*****

P.S. Friendly reminder:

Punctuation Saves Lives

:D

Hey, works for me! So, let's see, all I need is to pull together a bunch of amazing cakes, like this:

(By BMT Cake Designs)

...and then fill up the page with whatever I want. It's a Sweets filibuster!

Does anybody have a copy of Green Eggs and Ham?
No? Ok, never mind. I'll improvise.

(By Jessicakes)

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief, That thou her maid art far more fair than she.

(By Mike's Amazing Cakes)

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V ... and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

(By Mishelle Handy Cakes, pic by David Baxter Photography)

I read some 4 and 5 star reviews by those who used this device successfully to change a baby while driving. On that basis, I bought one. I put my baby on it and drove for over an hour. It did not change. Same baby. I am glad it worked for some people but I will be returning mine.

(By Cotton and Crumbs)

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

(By Iced and Dazzle, pic by Erin Schaefgen Photography)

I hated her... SOOO... much, it - flame, flames? Flames, on the side of my face, breathing - breath, heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...

(By Cakes Decor member Ria123)

Up up down down left right left right B A start.

(By Lovely Cakes)

"You are using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?"
"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain."
"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro."
"Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?"

(By Rosebud Cakes)

...and I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress. And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are. And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

(By Cakes By Beth)

A king cake is a type of cake associated in a number of countries with the festival of Epiphany at the end of the Christmas season, and in other places with the pre-Lenten celebrations of Mardi Gras / Carnival. The cake often has a small plastic baby (said to represent Baby Jesus) inside (or sometimes placed underneath), and the person who gets the piece of cake with the trinket has various privileges and obligations.

(By Party Flavors Custom Cakes, photo by Amanda McMahon Photography)

1. Take ice tray over to the sink and fill it with cold water.
2. Place the water-filled ice tray back in the freezer.
3. Shut the door to the freezer.

(By Neli Josefson)

During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

That's it! The filibuster's over.

Thank goodness these Sweets speak for themselves.

*****

P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I love that this card is meant to hang! There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.

"Oh? What happened last week?"

"Well, I brought in a reference for my nephew's monkey cake - a paper party plate -  and you guys just took a picture of it and glued the picture to the cake!"

 "I see. And that's bad because....?"

"Because I just wanted the monkey! Not the paper plate!!"

"OH! Oh, yes! Of course. Sorry, I thought that was some kind of a pun."

[silence]

"So...look, this time, just to be extra clear, I brought you a picture of the actual cake I want you to make. Here:"

"So you want a cake that looks just like this?"

"That's right, a cake that looks JUST LIKE THAT."

[silence]

"I think we can do that."

"Good. Thank you. I'm so glad we got that cleared up."

****

Poor 2nd Devon. (Or is that 2rd Devon?) Although I guess it IS kind of fitting that the Devon copy gets a cake copy (complete with copied candles!). Hey, how much do you wanna bet his presents were all just pictures of toys? :D

Thanks for the monkey business,  Kee & Erin M.

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $8 Prime!

Of course, the irony of Phil's phobia was never completely lost on him.

***

Inside the Department of "All Fun & Games."

***

"The inspector listened to the woman's tale with suspicion. Sure, the dame SEEMED to be telling the truth about her husband's death, but he still suspected fowl play."

Thanks to Erin W., Lisa H., & Kimberly P. for allowing my inner Gary Larson to come out and play. 

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $8 Prime!

"WHAT IN HOLY...oh. It says, 'Meow!'

"So it must be something that can imitate a cat."

Sometimes the hints are fairly subtle:

Pssst. You misspelled "Poopy."

While wiser wreckerators go for slightly more direct labeling:

Finally answering the question, "Can I get a what-what?"

Rainbow!

Um...strawberry!

Diploma?

Now you're just screwing with us.

And finally, my favorite, no doubt written after someone was asked just a few times too many:

Thanks to Sara A., Julia L., Stephanie L., Sadie P., Rose B., Anne B., Elizabeth S., & Erin F., who are all going, "OoooOOooh, NOW I see it!"

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $10 Prime!

That's right, a bakery in Shanghai, China recently began using drones to deliver their cakes. DRONES, you guys. Flying drones.

This may be the most brilliant creation ever invented, my friends. In fact, I'm suddenly feeling a lot less bitter about my lack of hoverboards and self-lacing sneakers. Flying robots delivering cake? Never mind, future: I'M GOOD.

Plus, drone-dropped cakes are great for so many occasions! You know, like:

Mother's Day:

Birthdays:

... and baby showers!

Even small orders will get that special "droned in" touch:

Oh, and can't forget The Big Day!

Not to worry; I'm sure that'll spring right back...

 Yes, my friends, the future is finally here, and the future is good. A little smooshed, sure, but good - and I, for one...

What's that, you say? 

China has grounded the cake drones? Because the cakes might fall on someone or whatever?

Ok, I take it back. 

GIMMIE MY HOVERBOARD, FUTURE.

Thanks to Jessica S., Karra A., Lindsay S., David P., Seanna B., Rachel O., Jessy A., & Jessica R. for dropping by.

*****

P.S. Hey. You know what ALSO needs proper support? Boobs. So here's a quick shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra
 

I own four of these now, and plan to keep buying all the colors. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras - usually Warners -  and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found a wireless one I liked. This one averages $25-40 Prime, so I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale. (Today "Toasted" is $22, so I snagged one of those.)

 I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger tracts of land.

I'm still posting them, though, because they're all wedding cakes. Served at people's actual weddings. And even if one was actually made by Aunt Mildred who calls herself a pro but really isn't, I think the world deserves to see this cautionary tale.

Plus, you know, it's funny.

Whoa, thank goodness for fresh flowers, am I right? Too bad they didn't have enough to hide the fact that the cake is being served on a giant dry-erase board, though.

I also like the gentle placement of the topper. It really screams "finesse."

This was taken during The Great Icing Shortage of '73 - back when grooms were stayin' alive with their groovy butterfly collars and the bridesmaids wore Frigidaire green. Looks like they ran out of flowers here too, though, and raided the fruit bowl instead.

Hey, "Love to Highway", right? And getting married doesn't mean the groom has to give up his matchbox cars.

And now, a haiku for you, wedding cake:

red bleeding ribbon
did the cake get in a fight?
lumpy icing tiers

And finally, before I show you this last Wreck, I feel I should reiterate that the bride herself *assured* me she paid actual money to an actual professional to make it. Honest. Really.

Now, in the baker's defense, I'm told the insides of all the cake tiers were raw.

How is that a defense, you ask?

Well, er...

Oh! I know! Imagine how hard it must've been to stack all those raw cake tiers! Eh? Yeah, I like to look on the sunny side of things. Which is good, because this cake is so sunny I can hear my retinas sizzling.

Hey, Grace C., Tony M., Anony M., Anony #2., & Anita R., "sizzling retinas" would be a terrible band name. Really. Just awful.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that make your head hurt, a friend recently got me this gel cap for my migraines, and sweet icy Stay Puft, y'all, it's amazing:

Migraine Hot/Cold Gel Cap
 

 I have a huge head and a lot of hair, so it's pretty snug on me, but the extra pressure with the cold is heavenly during a migraine. I used to hold a cold pack and keep shifting it around from side to side, but this wraps my entire skull in a cooling hug. Ahhhh so good.

I keep the gel cap sealed in the fridge all the time now, so I can grab it as soon as a headache starts up. The cold only lasts 15-20 minutes, but it's 1000% worth it in my book, highly recommend.