“How will I settle it?” you ask? With some Photoshop bombs, morons!!! Look out below!!

And if that isn’t enough, to diffuse the situation, here’s more!!!

So Mr. Bruno and Mr. Borat, I hope these Photoshop bombs help show how we’re all not really that different. Underneath, we’re more the same that we are different.

Bruno on Rotton Tomatoes

Borat on Rotten Tomatoes

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Write with your own blood

Did you know that each time you use ink from a pen, you kill 300 octopuses? Octopus killer!! Why not drain some blood from your arm and use that to fill your pen instead of using octopus ink-blood. Need to make a sweet illustration for a clint? Whip out your blood ink pen and get all Type O Negative on that illustration. I can tell you one thing from experience though, make sure you only use your own blood. Some people are ignorant selfish earth haters and get all ticked when you try to drain their blood while they are sleeping. Even after you explain that its to save the dolphins!!!

Don’t shower

Did you know that when you take a 5 minute shower, you drain 3 lakes? Lake killer!!! Do you really need to shower? Seriously. What reason do you really have for showering? You never leave your home, you have no friends and the people who you play video games with online can’t even smell you through your PS3 headset microphone.

Don’t drink water

Did you know that whenever you drink a glass of water, it’s like you are laughing in the face of a dolphin. Dolphin laugher!!! What have Dolphins ever done to you? Isn’t it enough that you’ve done a #2 in their house?! All they want to do is swim around in their home, the ocean. And all you want to do is slowly drink their home until it’s gone. According to a study done by CRAPICDesign.com, if you stop drinking water for just one year, the ocean levels will go up 30 feet, dolphins will be happy and then the earth will be normal again.

Air condition the world

Did you know that while you sit in your comfortable air conditioned house, the world around us is over heating and ready to explode?! World killer!!! It’s called global warming, moron, you should Wikify it. So you probably have an air conditioner, right? And the world is too hot and needs to cool down, right? Flip that air conditioner inside out and start cooling down the outside. Don’t be stingy either. Leave that sucker on high 24/7. If you’ve got central air, vent it outside. (For those of you who don’t have air conditioning, just leave your freezer door open and vent it outside.) You can even go ahead and buy some window air conditioners and plug ‘em in and leave them sitting outside. It may be a little warmer for you in the house and it may cost a few bucks more each month, but the world will thank you.

Are there other ways you are “going greens” as a freelancer?

If you are interested in other ways you can “go greens” as a freelancer, check out these sites:

1. Greening Your Design Business (Freelance Switch)
2. Design by Nature (Green graphic design resources)
3. Rethink Design (Green graphic design resources)

Related posts:

1. Going Greens for Freelancers, Part 1 There's a new thing that peoples are talking about that's...

Photoshop bomb below!!!

I’m reading through the post as usual, thinking “yeah, those smashers nailed it again!” and then I come upon this (my emphasis in red):

3. Uses Raster Images

Standard practice when designing a logo is to use vector graphics software (WTF?), such as Adobe Illustrator or Corel Draw (booooo! hiss!!). A vector graphic is made up of mathematically precise points, which ensures visual consistency across multiple sizes. The alternative, of course, is use to raster graphics software, such as Adobe Photoshop (Ah yeah!!!). A raster graphic — or bitmap, as it’s commonly called — consists of pixels.

Using raster images for logos is not advisable because it can cause problems with reproduction (writing posts while picking your nose is not advisable either, but you did it). While Photoshop is capable of creating very large logos (suck it, Corel Draw!!!), you never know for sure how large you will have to reproduce your logo at some point (WTF!!). If you zoom in enough on a raster graphic (something’s hanging, you may need a Kleenex), it will appear pixelated (Huh?! English, please!!!), making it unusable. Maintaining (you) visual (make) consistency (no) by  (sense) making (at) sure (all) the (so) logo (maybe) looks (you) the (should) same (go) in (back) all (to) sizes (picking) is (your) essential (nose).

What!?!?! Did you just diss Photoshop?! Smashing didn’t call me out by name, but it’s pretty obvious that they’re taking a stab at me. I am like the Photoshop evangelist, so if you are messing with Photoshop, you’re messin’ with me!!!

OK, I still like Smashing, but I need to set the record straight. Here are the top 5 reasons I’m right and the Smashers are wrong.

1. Adobe: billion dollar company that’s been around forever. Smashing: a cute little tiny startup company. Bling and muscle: Adobe.
2. Let’s just look at the words. “Photoshop” sounds so creative and full of life. “Smashing” sounds so destructive and anarchic. Creativity and peace: Adobe.
3. Speaking of creativity, don’t you love Adobe’s logo? So hip and original. They take the first letter of their name and put it in white on a red background. Smashing’s logo is… well… the first letter of their name in white on a red background. Originality point: Adobe.
4. Adobe starts with “A.” So does “Awesome.” Smashing starts with “S.” So does “Sucky.” Choosing the first letter of your name: Adobe.
5. Smashing Magazine is a web site. Understanding  your medium: Adobe.

So in a landslide it’s Adobe-5, Smashing-0. I still like the Smashers, and will still list them in the links for “My Awesome Homies” but hopefully they’ve learned 2 important lessons through this – you do not mess with Adobe and you do not mess with Mr. CRAPIC.

I’m Audi 5000.

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Stop using the bathroom

Do you know how much water is wasted when you flush the toilet? I’m told it’s a lot. You know who lives in water? Dolphins, that’s who. Basically, every time do your thing and flush the toilet, you’re saying “Hey, entire species of all the dolphins in the world. I need a quick and easy way to get ride of my waste so I think I’ll just put it inside your house. I’m sure you don’t mind” Do you know how smart dolphins are? They are actually probably smarter than 75% of the people reading this right now. And if you just thought “Ha! Losers! Obviously I’m part of the ’smarter than a dolphin’ 25%,” you’re not. So after hearing my air tight argument, there’s really no way you can use a toilet again in good conscientiousnesessness. But now you’re probably wondering “What does that have to do with freelancing and what should I do with all my waste?” Don’t ponder that question too long, you’re too dumb to figure that out anyways. Luckily, Mr. CRAPIC has thought of that too….

Reuse your own waste

Two ideas for this: This first one is gonna sound pretty weird, but I read it on the internets, so it’s legit. Apparently when you want to grow some vegetables and stuff, they will grow super huge if you plant it in your own feces. I’m serious! It’s on the internets!! I totally thought that if you planted feces, a little feces tree would grow, but apparently that’s not how it works. I know for sure that dropping your #2 in the garden will help with the veggies, but it only makes sense that your tinkle could help them grow too. I can tell you one thing from experience though, make sure you wash off those veggies really well. Carrots and #2 stuck in your teeth is not pleasant. You can even use the veggies to make a gift basket for your clints. What’s that? You need a card to put in the gift basket? Read on dimwits. The second way to reuse your waste is to make cards out of it (booya!). Press it into thin pieces, like paper, and then trim them to card size. You can use them as thank you cards to send out to your clints when they give a bunch of Benjamins for making a sweet logo in Photoshop. Trust me, if you send them a card made not just out of any old feces you find laying around, but your own personal pressed feces, they will always remember you. Sometimes they even introduce you to some of their friends – like their lawyers or police officers. You just can’t beat that type of word of mouth advertising.

I came up with so much awesome information about “going greens” that I’ve decided to split this into 2 seperate posts. Keep your eyes peeled for part 2!!!

Are there other ways you are “going greens” as a freelancer?

If you are interested in other ways you can “go greens” as a freelancer, check out these sites:

1. Greening Your Design Business (Freelance Switch)
2. Design by Nature (Green graphic design resources)
3. Rethink Design (Green graphic design resources)

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1. Going Greens for Freelancers, Part 2 There's new thing that peoples are talking about that's called...

How often have things like this happened to you?

1. You’re watching the latest awesome release at the movie theater and your camcorder runs out of juice.
2. You have a heart attack and wish you could shock your own heart.
3. You are trying to inflate a twin sized air mattress using your mouth even though you have an electronic inflater but you’re in your mom’s basement (which doesn’t have any outlets) because she said “you have to move out of your old bedroom because I want to use it as my scrapbooking room and besides 38 year olds shouldn’t even still be living with their mother anyways. It’s just plain weird and my friends in the book club said we can’t meet here any more because you never wear a shirt and they are scared of you.”

If you’re anything like me, you’ve run into all of these issues… some of them more than once.

What one thing would solve all these problems? (Don’t worry morons, that’s a regorical question. I’m aware that I need to spoon feed your tiny little peon brains.) Answer: A portable power supply. What’s that? They already have those and they are called generators? OK, first of all, NEVER, EVER interrupt me again during one of my posts!! And B, do you even realize how heavy those generators are!?! How are people who aren’t as strong as me supposed to carry that around!!!

Here’s the solution…

I go to the doctor and have them peel off my scalp and replace it with solar panels. Then they just find a place to put an outlet on my body (the belly button seems like the most logical choice). Link the solar panels to the outlet and presto! I’m a walking power supply!!

And to make this more awesomer, this idea could easily be combines with my previous Sweet Idea, which would offer a USB connection as well.

Some benefits of this idea would include:

1. Charging your iPod or phone at the airport.
2. Rent yourself out at the airport for others to charge their iPods and phones
3. If you have a hybrid or electric car, plug it in to your belly button and you can  recharge as you drive.
4. Plug in computer speakers to your belly button, hook it up to your iPod and you are literally a walking eternally charged stereo.

The list could go on and on.

I’m sure some big company like Apple, 3M or Keebler (I don’t trust those elves, or anyone with curly toed shoes for that matter) will steal my idea and make millions off of it.

What other uses would a solar head have?

What other sweet ideas do you have?

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The awesomest thing that sticks out to me the most about these is the colors. So many logo designers these days are stuck in the past, always using Illustrator and like 2 colors. HELLO?!?!?!??! We’re in the two thousandth century!!! Start keeping up with the times!! Number 1, use Photoshop, morons. And number B, why would Adobe put all those sweet color square things to click on in their programs if you weren’t supposed to use ALL of them ALL the time?

What is awesomest to you about these logos?

If you are interested in other awesome logo enspirations, check out these sites:

1. LogoPond
2. Creattica
3. LogoDesignLove
4. Your Logo Makes me Barf

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So Kobe or Lebron? Lebron or Kobe? Who’s the best? Blah, blah, blah. Thankfully, there’s a sweet little app called “Photoshop” that (combined with the kick awesome skills of Mr. CRAPIC) will help answer this.

Ladies and peons, I present to you… LEBROBE JAYANT!

Bite me, Van Gundy! You too Barkley!

Another case solved with a little dose of Photoshop.

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Layer 1

Content aware scaling in CS4 is awsome.
Joey said “Whoa!” all the time on Blossom;

Layer 2

Photoshop is way better than stupid Dreamweaver;
Jerry Mathers reprised his role in The New Leave it to Beaver.

Layer 3

Go to Filter > Artistic > to make Film Grains;
Leonardo DiCaprio was in season 7 of Growing Pains.

Layer 4

Sharpen images the smart way with High Pass;
Arvid was the nerd on Head of the Class.

Layer 5

In Filter > Distort, you can create sweet twirls;
Blanche was way sassy on the Golden Girls.

Layer 6

Drop shadows and Gradients are totally the best;
The Joe Isuzu guy was on Empty Nest.

Layer 7: Transparent

Feel free to drop some of your own Photoshop & 80s Sitcoms poetry layers in the comments.

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Fact!!! Even though I’m always coming up with super awesome ideas, I don’t always have the chance to blog about them or even write them down.

Fact!!!! People are always wanting to know about my sweet ideas right away. That’s why I already have 2 people signed up for my RSS feed (and it’s only been a month since I started the blog!!).

So take those 2 facts and what do you get? (It’s a rhetorical question so don’t hurt yourself by thinking to hard.)

Three words: Brain Feed. I go to the nurse, they slice open my head and drop in some RSS electrodes hard wired to my brain, throw a USB port on the back of my head, sew me back up and presto, all I need to do is plug in to a computer and you can subscribe to my brain feed! You think the stuff I take the time to blog about is sweet, my Brain Feed would blow your face off!

It won’t be happening any time soon though. The technology for that probably won’t be around for a long time. My thoughts are usually way ahead of their time. In fact, I’m just catching up to thoughts that I thought 10 years ago.

What are your sweet ideas?

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1. How many fonts should I use?

It can be tempting to try to use only 1-2 fonts in a project, but push yourself and you’ll find that the more fonts you can use the awesomer your designs are. If you have 6 fonts and they’re all really sweet, why would you only use one or two? It’s simple math, idiots!! 6 of something awesome is better than 2 of something awesome. This may be difficult for you to understand since you probably have like a 3rd grade math education (assuming you didn’t flunk out by that point), but you need to trust me. I got my mathenatic degree at Bert’s House of Math (class of 83, wOOt!).

2. Which fonts are the awesomest?

So now that you know that you should use as many awesome fonts as possible, you’re wondering “how do I know what fonts are awesome? There are so many to choose from!” Mr. CRAPIC to the rescue!!! Just go to your fonts folder and look at all the default ones that are there. Times New Roman, Comic Sans (”Sans” is French for “don’t you dare ask me what ’sans’ means, you moron, or I swear I’ll…”), Urial, Urial Black, Vendrana and Popeyerus. Recognize them? That’s because everyone uses them!!!! Know what that means? (Of course you don’t, you’re dumber than the smartest dumb person ever.) If everyone uses them, they must be awesome!!!! Like George Washington said: “If you got a bunch of people doing something, it must be right.”

Typography inspiration awesome bomb below!!

Which fonts do you think are living in awesometown?

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