• Troubled bank calls for time to “get shit together”.
• But pledges “we’re totally good for it”.

For Bi…Carrington Huxx in Hock.

Northern Rock, the troubled bank facing possible collapse as the so-called ‘credit crunch’ takes hold, is, like, totally going to pay back the £23 billion worth of taxpayers’ money it has been lent by the Bank of England, dudes – just as soon as it gets it’s shit together. 

“Honestly, dudes and dudettes, there’s nothing to worry about ‘kay?” suspected Northern Rock spokesman Blaine Tokersson told reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

“We’re, like, totally going to pay all that taxpayers’ money back. Every penny, man. Trust me. You know we’re good for it. It’s just that right now things are a little…wheey. But I’m telling you, we just need a little time to get some shit together and it’ll be all gravy, dudes, gravy!”

However, despite Tokersson’s optimistic assessment of the situation, a recent investigation by The Guardian has uncovered a £53 billion hole in Northern Rock’s assets. This is down to 70 per cent of the company’s mortgage portfolio actually being owned by Granite Master Issuer, a separate, off-shore company based in Jersey.

As a result, the number of assets available to Northern Rock as collateral is greatly reduced, raising fears that the £23 billion lent to it by the Bank of England may not be safeguarded.

Earlier this week, the Chancellor, Alaistair Darling attempted to reassure taxpayers, saying: “Bank of England lending is secured against assets held by Northern Rock.”

But if these ‘assets’ are actually owned by the off-shore company, then the Bank of England would have to compete with other creditors for repayment should Northern Rock collapse.

Furthermore, according to The Guardian’s findings, Northern Rock is becoming increasingly vulnerable as the housing market slows and the bank is already experiencing sharp rises in repossessions and the number of customers in arrears.

According to figures published by the newspaper, 10,000 Northern Rock customers are currently behind on their mortgage payments, with loans totalling £1.2 billion. In 2003, the number of customers in arrears was 2,500.

In the same year, Northern Rock repossessed just 80 properties but by September this year, that figure was already 927. In more bad news, the property market is cooling significantly and new mortgages have hit a record low.

“Bummer,” Tokersson muttered to reporters. “Hey, don’t worry about that stuff, baby. It’s all cool in the gang. It’s only 70 per cent of the mortgage portfolio that’s secured with the off-shore company – we got plenty of other assets, sure we have. Like…like…well…look, we got assets up the wazoo, ‘kay?

“Anyway, trust me, man. It’s all covered – there’s a guy who’s interested in buying the place and as soon as that goes through, you’re all paid! Well, you know, almost…still, £11 billion smackers, baby!”

The ‘guy’ Tokersson is believed to be referring to is Richard Branson, whose consortium has been nominated as Northern Rock’s ‘preferred bidder’ for a take over. Under Branson’s plan, £11 billion would be repaid to the Bank of England on the first day of his ownership, with the rest to be paid back over two to three years – when the total lent to Northern Rock will have risen to an estimated £26 billion.

However, a number of major shareholders, as well as creditors, are expected to oppose the deal because they will not receive market value for their holdings – and some have accused Branson is trying to buy the bank ‘on the cheap’.

Tokersson was quick to condemn these reports as a “total drag” that were “really stating to bum me out”.

“And hey, what’s with the breadhead attitude anyway, people?” he asked the press, becoming increasingly aggitated.

“The taxpayers of this country should stop getting so hung up about this – look at us, we’re the first bank to endure a run in, like, a million years and our credit ratings are shot, we’ve got a huge hole in our assets and now the Bank of England and the Treasury are on our backs – but are we worried? No way, pedro. I mean, you know, something will turn up.

“And after all, this £23 billion – it’s only money. Is it really worth the public and North Rock falling out over money? Come on, dudes. Right?

“And anyway, there’s no worries anyway. Honestly. We’ve said we’ll pay it back and we will but quit crowding us, dudes. You’re being like, totally uncool about this.”

Bi

•  PM About To Call For End To Regime’s Barbaric Fundamentalism When Dessert Trolley Came.

  Cameron Backed Demands For Universal Human Rights, Cheese’n'Biccies.  For Bi…Shandwell Neece in London.

   

  Prime Minister Gordon Brown was “honestly going to” confront Saudi Arabian ruler King Abdullah about his country’s  human rights abuses, oppression, censorship, corruption, kidnapping, torture and religious extremism during His Majesty’s four-day state visit but there “just wasn’t a good time”, Number 10 said last night.

  The Prime Minister has been criticised for welcoming the Saudi king, who rules with absolute power over a country where there is no freedom of association, religion or sexual orientation; where women are not allowed to vote, drive or leave the house alone; where state-sponsored torture is commonplace and where capital punishment is dished out via public beheadings.

  Yet, despite Foreign Officer minister Kim Howells’s bizarre proclamation that Britain should celebrate its ‘shared values’ with the medieval-style religious tyranny of King Abdullah, Downing Street has insisted that far from wimping out in a spineless display of shameless brown-nosing to a murderous but oil-rich old psychopath, the Prime Minister and his cabinet had repeatedly attempted to confront the 83-year-old monarch only to be cruelly thwarted by circumstance.

  “Now look here,” Number 10 spokesman and etiquette buff Marney Taschell harrumphed to reporters last night.

  “I can assure you that the Prime Minister was going to give King Abdullah quite the talking to about human rights, torture, spreading extremism and…whatnot…during His Majesty’s visit because he is absolutely committed to confronting dictatorship wherever it occurs; just as he said at the Labour Party conference. That wasn’t just a load of old tough-talking guff aimed at tin-pot Charlies like Burma and Zimbabwe, you know. Oh my no!

  “But bringing up one’s guest’s tendency to torture perfectly innocent people, who sometimes rather inconveniently turn out to be British citizens, fuel militant Islam or lop people’s heads off is, diplomatically speaking, rather delicate and choosing the right moment to have a quiet word about such unpleasantness is absolutely vital. I mean, bringing up things like severed heads could absolutely ruin one’s dinner, which would be just too awful. 

  “With that in mind, I’m afraid that during the four days the king and his entourage were here, there just wasn’t a good time to bring it up. Instead, as Kim Howells so rightly pointed out, we decided to focus on all the positive, life-affirming values we share with what is, I’m sure we can all agree, one of the most brutal, notoriously backward dictatorships on Earth.

  “Hang on, that doesn’t sound right…”

  Well, it ain’t a giggle factory; Saudi Arabia’s state religion is the brutalised, fringe interpretation of Islam known as Wahhabism, which preaches death on non-Muslims, homosexuals, adulterers, ‘immodestly dressed’ women, Muslims who aren’t Muslim enough and anyone else it can think of and which also, coincidentally enough, underpins the warped ideologies of both Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Its, er, ‘values’ are proliferated by government-funded literature and madrassa schools, which have been described as ‘conveyor belts’ of extremists and suicide bombers, who export terrorism to Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan or, as was the case in 2001, New York and Washington D.C.

  In Saudi Arabia itself, Wahhabism is enforced by the snappily-titled Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. In XXXX, the Ministry’s goons promoted virtue by letting 14 schoolgirls burn to death in a fire after preventing the vice of letting them out of the building while they were not ‘properly’ covered. 

  Yet, despite the House of Saud’s undoubted rigor when it comes to enforcing medieval-style religious tyranny, thoroughly modern massive corruption remains a major problem among the kingdom’s First Family. Earlier this year, the Serious Fraud Office was investigating ‘kick backs’ from plane manufacturer BAE Systems to Prince Bandar, who is part of King Abdullah’s 200-strong entourage in London, over a £43 billion deal for Typhoon fighter jets. However, the investigation was halted at the eleventh hour by the intervention of Attorney General Lord Goldsmith, at the behest of then-Prime Minister Tony Blair, on the grounds that it would harm ‘national security’. After intense lobbying from anti-corruption groups and a parallel investigation in the United States, the case may have to be re-opened.

  And on top of everything else, 83-year-old King Abdullah has a really dodgy dye job on that sort of goatee beard thing he’s got going on. He looks like Casey Casum’s granddad.

  In light of all this, there has been widespread anger at the Prime Minister’s apparent failure to confront King Abdullah on the myriad human rights abuses carried out on his autocratic watch. At first, an official spokesman for No.10 said human rights issued had been raised, although someone apparently forgot to raise them with the Saudi foreign minister, Prince Saud al-Faisal, who told Sky News: “We haven’t talked of human rights.”

  Downing Street spokeschimp Ernest Trumpington-Barr told Bi: “Er…well, I think you’re reading too much into that statement because I can assure you that the Prime Minister had every intention of confronting King Abdullah about, you know, whatever.

  “And ‘we haven’t talked of human rights’ could mean anything…Really, there’s altogether far too much reading into things going on during this trip.

  “I mean, take this Serious Fraud Office brouhaha. Tony was just saving those investigators a lot of wasted time and effort. But people seem to think there’s something ‘funny’ going on. You shouldn’t read anything into the investigation being shut down by the Blair government…and what you especially should not read into it is that it was kyboshed in order to protect a corrupt, murderous tyranny, high-ranking British government officials or Tony’s reputation as a, hey, you know, pretty straight sort of guy.

  “Furthermore, you shouldn’t read anything else into the fact that the US started its own investigation into the deal almost immediately after ours was stopped. Or that we might be forced to re-open it. Reading anything into any of that would be, frankly, mental.”

  “But anyway, that’s all in the past. As Kim Howells said, and I’m sure David Miliband would have agreed if he had been here, let’s not focus on all these allegations of massive corruption, complicity in torture or the grotesque hypocrisy of lecturing people about the principles of democracy while supporting appalling barbarism – let’s look at what the UK and Saudi Arabia have in common!

  “Er, which is none of those things, just to be clear.”

  However, Devey Futonn, one of the protestors who joined a picket outside the Saudi Embassy, remained unconvinced.

   “Gordon Brown, Mr M.I.A. David Miliband and the rest of the government should be ashamed about playing along with this farcical state visit in the first place,” he told reporters.

  “The fact that they didn’t even use it to confront this brutal dictator and his murderous regime is to our country’s eternal shame. Gordon’s got plenty to say when it’s Zimbabwe or Burma but when it comes to a country dripping in oil that likes buying lots of lovely weapons from us, it’s apparently alright to be as f***in bonkers as you like.

  “Some people say it’s a necessary relationship because of Saudi Arabia is a ‘vital ally’ in the Middle East. But, aside from the fact that Saudi Arabia produces more indoctrinated killers than a Manson Family reunion, what kind of an ally is King Abdullah? His government funds the promotion of Wahhabism across the globe. It fuels extremism that tacitly promotes the suppression and even killing of women, homosexuals and moderate Muslims and non-Muslims.

  “And, when it looked like the SFO were going to start asking some difficult questions, his government apparently threatened to pull the plug on intelligence sharing. So, just to get this straight, our bestest buddies in the Middle East are so close to us that they would refuse to pass on intelligence about terrorism if any of their royal family were nailed for taking illegal payments to sweeten arms deals?

  “As if that’s not bad enough, the King Abdullah’s government has also falsely imprisoned and tortured British citizens like Sandy Mitchell, who was wrongly accused of planning a bombing campaign. When Mr Mitchell and three other British engineers who were relentlessly tortured alongside him, tried to sue, Saudi officials claimed diplomatic immunity and the UK Law Lords upheld it. If these are our allies, who needs the enemies that they keep producing?!

  “With all this in mind, to have ministers like Kim Howells gibbering about ‘shared values’ while David Miliband goes AWOL and Gordon slaps on that weird grin of his on and keep schtum is nothing short of a national disgrace. In the face of a genuine dictator, our government’s cast-iron principles and pledges to oppose tyranny wherever it exists have wilted into a worthless mush.

  “And the Everyman Etonian David Cameron, is no bloody better. All he did was have a go at [acting Liberal Democrat leader] Vince Cable for boycotting the whole thing. I mean, who cares what the Lib Dems do? Gutsy stuff, Dave!”

  “I just hope King Abdullah could sit comfortably at that banquet – it must have been tricky with the collective noses of Her Majesty’s Government and Official Opposition rammed up his arse.”

  Back at Downing Street, Trumpington-Barr insisted that the Prime Minister had fully intended to give Abdullah a jolly good talking to – but circumstance had conspired against him. 

  “The Prime Minister was all set to tackle King Abdullah at the state banquet held in his honour about all this beastly unpleasantness with all the vigour and candour that he applied to denouncing Burma and Zimbabwe. He just want to let His Royal Majesty finish his pudding first. Yes, that’s it. And he had to let it settle. Ooh, and then there was the coffee and mints.

  “Besides, it is simply not the done thing to confront one’s dinner guests about their corruption, extremist dogma and murderous barbarism while they are in the middle of a nice After Eight. No further questions.”

  Bi 

   

   

   

   

   

• Killing off customers “hurting business” for guys who turn out to be their own dead mothers. Or something.

 For Bi…Morley Tush in Diablosville, Arizona.

Thousands of creepy motel owners who kill lonely travellers are facing bankruptcy and unemployment after years of murdering their customers before settling their bills, according to a new report.

The study, by the Institute of Nutter Related Economics (INRE), indicates that up to 98 per cent of the estimated 25,000 motel-owning psychopaths in the US face bankruptcy in the next 12 months as a result of literally killing off their revenue streams.

Norman Kreuger, owner of the Last Stop Motel on the remote Route 666 desert highway near Diablosville, Arizona, told Bi that after years of murdering his customers in fits of sociopathic rage, he and many others like him now face an uncertain future.

“I opened the Last Stop after seeing ‘Psycho’ in 1960, which made dressing up in your dead mother’s clothes and knifing attractive young secretaries while they’re in the shower look real glamorous,” he told reporters from the crawlspace between the walls of his dingy, ramshackle establishment.

“However, what Hollywood didn’t show you was the hard work that goes into running a motel – not to mention the financial strain that comes with hacking up the customers before they’ve paid their bill. They don’t all have a bag full of stolen cash with them, you know. I found that out the hard way.

“It’s not as if I’m on a busy highway either, which kinda goes with the territory when you own a creepy, isolated motel, so I only get one or two potential customers/victims a month. It’s very hard to expand that base because, obviously, murdering customers kinda kills off your repeat business and word of mouth recommendations.

“And, while I may have gone slowly mad in my isolation, I’m certainly not alone in my concerns. A lot of the other creepy motel-owning serial killers I know are feeling the pinch too. The way things are going, I just don’t know how much longer we’ll be around.”

However, with Hollywood spewing forth travel-related torture-porn like ‘Turistas’ and ‘Vacancy’, a new generation could be tempted by a career in motel management and senseless murder – although Kruegger is pessimistic.

“Sure, folks see movies like ‘Vacancy’ and think it’s all glitz and glamour; killing beautiful, bland people like Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale all day long looks like great fun, huh? But believe me, it ain’t like the movies.

“For one thing, none of my victims were ever that good lookin’. Most of the time it’s big, ugly truckers or sweaty, self-loathing travelling salesmen. You know, as I often say to the mummified corpse of my dead momma that I keep in the basement, sometimes I don’t know why I don’t just sell up and go back into law.

“But she just keeps saying ‘you must punish them, Norman. They’re all wretched sinners and they must pay’. ‘Fine,’ I say, ‘then let’s move to a city, where at least we can generate some cash flow, maybe open a chain’ – but she just keeps on and on with her ‘Punish them’ this and ‘wretched sinners’ that…That’s another thing about this job – the constant nagging from beyond the grave.

“Nah, my advice to any young fellas out there thinking about setting up a creepy-motel-psycho-killing business of their own is, don’t bother. It’s more trouble than it’s worth nowadays. We’re just a dying breed.”

Bi

For Bi… Arlen Hacker in Naaaaaam. 

President George W. Bush personally led a division of US Marines in a lightning-strike charge into Ho Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon) yesterday, finally liberating the city from the clutches of North Vietnamese evil-doers and winning the Vietnam War for the United States once and for all.

“I can confirm that at 0600 hours local time, the President´s personal plan, code-named ´Operation Liberty Freedom Eagle Strike´ was put into action.

“Three divisions of US Marines, supported by US Paratroopers from the 101st and 82nd Airborne Divisions, captured New Saigon, now formerly Ho Chi-Minh City, formerly Saigon, South Vietnam,” White House press chimp Ari Funkenhowser told stunned reporters.

“I can confirm that we achieved near total surprise and many Vietcong and North Vietnamese Regular Army units were captured or killed while still in their beds – some of which were in local nursing homes,” he continued.

“I can also confirm that the President, who as you all know served with distinction against the Vietcong in the only-just-behind-the-front-lines Texas Air National Guard, personally led a division of Marines in liberating the former US embassy.

“In fact, ´Operation Liberty Freedom Eagle Strike´ was a complete success and we now expect a full surrender, personally signed by Ho Chi-Minh and his Communist buddies in the North, to follow shortly.

“All Vietcong and NVA forces should lay down their arms immediately. If any of them can´t remember where they left their arms 32 years ago, they should pick up some new ones, then lay them down. Either way, this concludes the Vietnam War and I´m pleased to officially announce – we did it, folks!”

The surprise liberation of the former capital of South Vietnam came just weeks after President Bush made a speech comparing the current conflict in Iraq to the decade-long US involvement in Vietnam, in which he appeared to criticise the decision to withdraw US troops from the conflict.

In the speech, made to an audience of veterans, the President implied that the US had left Vietnam “before the job was done”, saying: “One unmistakable legacy of Vietnam is that the price of America´s withdrawal was paid by millions of innocent citizens whose agonies would add to our vocabulary new terms like ´boat people´, ´re-education camps´ and ´killing fields´.

“Three decades later, there is a legitimate debate about how we got into the Vietnam War and how we left.”

It is believed that the negative response to Mr Bush´s comments in the domestic and international press, as well as in Vietnam itself, prompted the President to devise and implement his plan for re-liberating the South East Asian country.

Prior to the launch ´Operation Liberty Freedom Eagle Strike´, Vietnam´s Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Le Dung said: “We all know that Vietnamese people went to war to defend our motherland and therefore for a righteous cause.

“The war leaves consequences that are still visible today, and so are our memories, but as a nation with a tradition that treasures peace, we are determined to not forget the past but value the present and look forward to a better future with other countries including the United States.”

Back home, Commie lovers The Los Angeles Times said of the President´s speech: “No serious Iraq expert believes US withdrawal would end the killing… Killing fields? Iraq´s already got them… Boat people? Two million Iraqis have already fled the country.

´The obvious lesson of Vietnam is not that leaving a quagmire leads to disaster, but that staying only makes this worse.”

Historian Robert Dallek told the Times: ´[The President´s speech] just boggles my mind, the distortions I feel are perpetrated here by the President…We were in Vietnam for 10 years. We dropped more bombs on Vietnam that we did in all of World War II in every theatre. We lost 58,700 lives…and we couldn´t work our will.”

Meanwhile, sicko Red Horde-huggers The New York Times spewed: “The American withdrawal from Vietnam is widely remembered as an ignominious end to a misguided war – but one with few negative repercussions for the United States.”

The Times also gave the President´s reference to ´killing fields´, which described the genocide that occurred in Cambodia after the Khmer Rouge came to power in 1975, the Hanoi Jane propaganda treatment.

Historian David C Hendrickson told the paper that groups such as the Khmer Rouge could only have emerged in the context of the Vietnam War, when the US bombed Cambodia in an effort to destroy North Vietnamese bases there and the so-called Ho Chi-Minh Trail, which was supplying Vietcong guerrillas in the south.

“´The Khmer Rouge would never have come to power in the absence of the war in Vietnam,” he said, waving a big red flag. Probably.

“This dark force arose out of the circumstances of the war [and] was in a deep sense created by the war. The same has happened in the Middle East today.”

Decorated Vietnam War veteran John Kerry, who unlike President Bush is a Vietnam veteran who actually served in Vietnam – and won the Bronze Star for gallantry under fire – described the speech as “irresponsible and ignorant”.

Nevertheless, the mood in the smouldering remains of the former Ho Chi Minh City last night was buoyant as President Bush addressed reporters while still wearing his blood-soaked combat fatigues, smeared in camouflage paint and clutching a smoking M-16 rifle.

“Welcome to New Saigon, fellas,” he said. “Having never been here before, I´d just like to say, ain´t it purdy?

“Under my personal leadership in the field, the great historical wrong of the Vietnam War, namely us leaving it, has been put right. Where´s Ho Chi Minh now, huh?

“Just look at all those smiling Vietnamesers, free at last! You know, a wise man in some movie once said that inside every gook, there is an American trying to get out and today, I think I finally understand what he meant.

“This proves that I was right about Vietnam – and I´m right about Iraq. So shut the hell up and follow me!

“C´mon guys, last one to Hanoi´s a big gay Fonda! Who´s a lame duck now, huh? Yee-haaaw!”

Bi

• Mother of Missing Child ‘Just Not Delivering Emotionally,’ Says Press Pack.
• Gerry ‘Could Be Next,’ Warn Exasperated Editors.

For Bi… Timby Napsac in the Red Lion, London.

Britain’s top infotainment hacks issued an ‘open call’ last night after announcing their intention to re-cast the role of Kate McCann, the mother of missing Madeleine McCann, following accusations that the current Kate McCann, Kate McCann, has ‘consistently failed to live up to agreed media standards of emotional hysteria’.

The announcement came after an emergency meeting of Britain’s most influential know-it-all columnists, daytime TV rent-a-gobs and soulless tabloid scribblers, who are believed to be deeply unhappy at Mrs McCann’s failure to share her wrenching grief in the most intimate, media-friendly way possible.

“It was a difficult decision to replace Kate but at this stage, it’s the only real option,” Alandra Prathell, writer of The Daily Mailygraph’s “I Know What’s Best For Everyone” column, told reporters.

“Kate McCann, or Original Kate, has had every opportunity to fulfil her duties to the press and, yes, the country, by letting us share in her anguish with some snappy, sob-drenched sound-bites but she has let us all down.

“Her attitude has been just plain selfish – maintaining a calm dignity in the face of her child’s disappearance – and the foul, entirely unfounded insinuations that have accompanied it – is frankly not on.

“I mean, what am I supposed to write about? Other than my creeping suspicions, which I now realise I had all along by the way, that her refusal to melodramatically wail for the cameras is an implication of guilt? I’ve been so upset by it all that it’s been putting me right off my lunches at The Ivy. I mean, really. It’s time for a change.”

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” agreed podgy tabloid rage-bag John ‘Honest John’ Lartetard of The Sleaze.

“How are the Great British Public – who are the best Great British Public in the world – supposed to enjoy The Sleaze’s unbeatable mix of celebs, birds and telly every morning without a good old-fashioned teary British mum on the front page?

“More important, how am I supposed to slam the dirty Portugeezers of the, er, Portuguese press for their sick speculation – while repeating it for my own readers – if I can’t slap a nice picture of Our Kate having a good old-fashioned British cry next to it? Best crying in the world, British crying.

“I’ve tried to help the girl. For weeks, I’ve been writing stuff like ‘C’mon Kate, show us yer care! Or we’ll call you a murderer!’ but I’ve had enough. We need a new Grief Idol. Kate Must Go!”

Top newspaper editors have also backed the decision to launch a search for Kate II.

Morgan Brierly-Hamster, editor-in-chief of The Daily Repress, told reporters: “I’ve spent literally minutes clearing the front page every day for our ‘Brave Little Maddy’ coverage – and now, as if not having any established facts to report wasn’t bad enough, I haven’t even got any new, super-close-up pictures of a mother’s grief-stricken face to splash all over the cover.

“I’ve been running the same shot of that child – who I am obviously deeply concerned about – for nearly three months now. I even took ‘Diana Still Dead’ stories off the front page for this!

“I mean, I could lose my job…assuming anyone ever actually reads the paper and sees what I’ve been printing. What about that, eh, McCann? Why don’t you think of someone apart from yourself for a change? What about me?

“I’m sorry Kate, I can’t let this go on – I’ve just bought a boat.”

Rolling TV news channel BritishActionNews24 has volunteered to lead the search for New Kate after also becoming ‘deeply disillusioned’ with the current Mrs McCann’s TV performances.

“In all my years of serious broadcast journalism, I haven’t given this much air time to a legal case since Deirdre got sent down on Coronation Street,” said Ardley Bandanglebridge, editor-in-chief of BAN24.

“With 24 hours to fill, I need more than quiet dignity and observation of Portugal’s strict laws on prejudicing cases from the McCanns – this is showbusiness, loves! I mean, er, a tragic case that requires sensitive coverage from the best news team on television – but how are my anchors supposed to act like they empathizing when Kate won’t share her grief with them live via satellite?

“So I have volunteered BAN24 to lead the search for the New Kate; someone who will give us – and our viewers, I imagine – the vicarious thrill…I mean, emotional insight…that the story needs.

“Ideally, we’re looking for someone with previous soap opera experience, but we don’t want to rule anything out. Open auditions will therefore be held around the country – and you can catch all the highlights, as well as some hilarious bloopers, every night on Kate Academy with Dale Winton at 7pm – with repeats hourly from 8pm.”

Rumoured frontrunners so far include EastEnders‘ Kat Slater, Jessie Wallace, mopey Northern person Sarah Lancashire and that bird from Hollyoaks. You know, the blonde one.

Bi

• Former PM to relocate family to Iraq
• Wants in on "booming success"

For Bi…Shandwell Neece inside the Green Zone, under a table, Baghdad.

Just weeks after stepping down as Prime Minister, Tony Blair shocked the nation yesterday by announcing that he plans to relocate to the troubled Iraqi capital Baghdad, in order to enjoy the fruits of his liberty-spreading work.

In what is being described as a 'surprising' and 'insane' move, Mr Blair and his young family will up-sticks to the Iraqi capital to take advantage of what sources close to the Blair camp describe as 'the unbridled joy and boundless opportunity' fostered by the safe, secular and stable democracy the former Prime Minister promised to create just before he joined the US-led invasion of the country in 2003.

A Blair spokesman, who will relocate along with the rest of the ex-PM's personal staff, told reporters: "Well obviously, this has come as a bit of a surprise to many people – but if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

"Now that Tony is special envoy to the Middle East, Iraq is super-handy for commuting. Well, I mean, there's a few snags to be ironed out with getting in and out of the airport under intense rocket and small-arms fire, but nevertheless, if you're going to be talking about Middle East issues, then Iraq is at the very burning heart of the matter. Er, literally.

"And property-wise, it's a bit of a buyer's market in Baghdad nowadays. All the fleeing, force eviction, ethnic cleansing and, you know, general dying means there are some fabulous steals to be had for the determined househunter. The family haven't settled on a place yet but there are several homes we're interested in looking at, provided they are still standing when we get there.

"Personally, and I can't stress this enough, I am…delighted to be going. I'm…really looking forward to all the democracy and freedom and liberty and stuff. I mean, and let me be perfectly clear here, I fully endorse Tony's view that whatever else may have happened in Iraq since 2003, which probably isn't worth going into at this juncture, Saddam is gone and they had an election or two, so everything's got to be alright, right? Er…right? Tell my wife I love her."

In Westminster, the People's Ex-Prime Minister's decision was greeted with equal measures of surprise, disbeliving laughter and hysterical weeping.

Back-bench Labour MP Arran Tattersell told Bi: "To be honest, I was wondering what was going on when Tony left the Commons a few weeks ago with hardly a mention of Iraq. You know, considering it's quite possibly the most disastrous foreign policy decision this country has made since the end of the First World War and all.

"Of course, being an MP, elected to hold the Government to account, I didn't like to say anything at the time. I just stood and clapped like everyone else in the chamber. And anyway, if I had made a fuss, I would have found myself in the unenviable, if not entirely undesirable, position of agreeing with something George Galloway was saying.

"But anyway, I suppose it's all clear now why no-one in the press or Parliament decided to ask the outgoing Prime Minister about his extremely prominent role in what is, to be fair to the guy, an absolute cocking disaster. They didn't want to spoil his surprise that he's moving there! I mean, I didn't know about it but then again, being an MP and not an appointed adviser, cowed journalist or indeed Richard and/or Judy, I wouldn't, would I?"

In Baghdad itself, reaction to Mr Blair's impending arrival was…um…"mixed".

Many locals were unhappy with the prospect of Tony popping round for a cup of sugar and a quick lecture on how well off they are and how very, very right he was all along.

Salam Jofi, a 52-year-old unemployed carpenter from Sadr City, told reporters: "I never thought in all my years that life could be worse than it was under Saddam but look. Look at what this fool and his masters have done to us.

"Even under Saddam, we had food rations, free electricity and there were always jobs for life with the state. Even that maniac managed that. But since we have been made 'free', we have no more rations and most of the factories are still closed. There are only a few hours of electricity a day, nowhere near enough fuel, no security and no work. My wife lost her eyes and the use of her legs in a bombing last year and my son gets angrier every day. All his friends are dead or maimed and he talks about revenge all the time – revenge against the Americans, against the Shia, against the government. I fear he will do something foolish and hurt someone or himself. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"So come, Mr. Tony Blair. Come and see what you have created – and for what? So history will remember your great name? Your great deeds? How well you took orders from your friends in Washington? You talk about your freedom and your democracy but who cares about democracy when we do not have security? Or electricity? Or medicine? Or jobs? Welcome to the neighbourhood, Mr Blair."

Some Baghdaddians, however, welcomed the prospect of the Blair family's arrival. Saffi Al-Akhram, a local estate agent, told Bi: "Well, there are tens of thousands of people fleeing Iraq every month; 130,000 Iraqis have registered wit the UN High Commission for Refugees, even though the United States is only offering 7,000 places; and there are 1 million more Iraqis living as refugees in Syria, so all in all, I'm delighted the somebody – anybody - is actually moving in.

"I'd be more than happy to help Mr Blair find the perfect home for his family here in Baghdad. Many of the properties on my books are open, light and airey – and thanks to a recent truck bomb, many of them are a lot more open, light and airey than before.

"Plus, all of my properties come with a free 12-ft long reinforced concrete blast slab, for all your stopping-yourself-from-getting-blown-to-tiny-pieces needs – and there's free parking, although I cannot accept any responsibility for vehicles that are scratched, stolen, turned into smouldering wrecks or splattered by flying body parts. Sorry, that's standard nowadays.

"But I'm sure that Mr Blair and his family will find what's left of Baghdad both fascinating and enchanting. I just hope that he gets a big advance for writing his memoirs, because there aren't a lot of jobs going at the moment, although they do always need people at the morgue. I'd just hate to think of him going without."

Although Iraq is now enjoying unprecedented levels of democratic freedoms and fingers dabbed in purple ink, some experts has expressed slight concerns over the security situation in the Blair's future home. Never.

US Army Captain Robert 'Buck' Buckersson, commanding officer of the 4075th Airborne Ass-Whomping Division, who are currently patrolling the Blairs' future neighbourhood, told Bi: "Security? Hell, I know Baghdad pretty well now – this is my second tour of duty here and most of my guys have been in country for 19 months now after our original rotation was generously extended by the Pentagon without prior notice – so I know about security here.

"We've had the surge going on for a few months now but it's still pretty hot around here, if you'll pardon the expression, mainly because whenever we move troops into one neighbourhood, the insurgents just melt away and pop up in another. Plus, the Iraqi police and military have bee
n severely compromised. They've been infiltrated by insurgents, which is really hindering our intelligence gathering and preventing us from capturing weapons caches. Even the guys who aren't working for the insurgents are more loyal to their local mullah than they are to the government. Yep, I sure am glad it's like Donny Rumsfeld said - the Iraqis are stepping up so we can step down. Good thing all this isn't costing us a dime either, cos like 'Sugar Daddy' Wolfowitz said, Iraqi oil is paying for reconstruction and security now, right?

"Anyways, on top of everything, my guys don't have the equipment they need – thanks again, Rummy, hope you're enjoying the retirement – and we're stretched so thin that I've got single squads trying to cover the equivalent of 30 city blocks. Now this Blair guy is moving in, we'll probably have to detail an entire platoon just to baby-sit him so he can tell the folks back home how secure and normal it is here, just like John McCain and his buddies did.

"Sorry, what was the question again? Shit, move here? You'd have to be f**kin' nuts."

Bi

• New Study Represents ‘Major Breakthrough' Brothers, Muthas.

For Bi… Nero Taul in Noo Yoirk

Scientists working on a cure for the debilitating phenomenon known as ‘the New York Times' Effect' on man have hailed their latest findings as a "major breakthrough" which could signal an end to years of suffering for dancin' men throughout the country.

"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mutha, this is extremely exciting news," the project's leader, Prof. Anthony "Tony" Tardelli, told reporters outside his office at Laboratory 54 in New York.

"Ever since we began trying to understand what is popularly known as the ‘New York Times Effect' on man in 1978, I have dreamed of this day."

The Effect, or NYTE, has baffled scientists ever since it was first documented among young men in New York's disco community during the late 1970s. The phenomenon, which afflicts vigorously heterosexual males aged 18-25, affects its victims' hand-eye co-ordination, vocal chords, motor skills and, ultimately, their ability to stay alive.

"Some of the symptoms of NYTE are genuinely upsetting to witness and they have an extremely negative impact on the life of sufferers," said Prof. Tardelli.

"The voice becomes a shrill, high pitched yelp and breathing can become very shallow, leading to a very distinctive ‘ha, ha, ha, ha' sound.

"NYTE also attacks its victims' nerve-endings so they feel, literally, like they're breakin'. Furthermore, it affects the receptors in the brain that deal with perceiving the motion of others, so to the victim, it can appear that everybody's shakin'.

"It's tragic to see these effects on men who were formerly so virile, bustling and energetic. I mean, before NYTE set in, you could tell by the way they used their walks, they were women's men; no time to talk. They were dancing men who just couldn't lose. It's hard to see that.

"Many sufferers have already had difficult upbringings, too. Some of them, I'm afraid, have been kicked around since they were born – but they fought back, they said, ‘well that's alright, it's okay', only for the NYTE to decimate their lives.

"That's why it's so important that we cure this terrible affliction – and today's findings represent a major step in the right direction. My team believes we have identified the gene that causes the NYTE and coincidentally, controls disco dancing ability, and we are now working on a treatment to suppress it.

"There's a long way to go but as scientists, we can try to understand the New York Times' Effect on man – and we we're getting closer."

NYTE sufferer Tony "Tony" Romero was delighted by the news of a breakthough.

"Ever since I was struck down by the NYTE outside Studio 54 in 1979, I've been praying for this day.

"I mean, I've lived with this for years, you know. So many times I thought to myself, ‘I'm going nowhere, somebody help me – somebody help me now!' – and finally they have. 

"Man, the worst thing is that this thing robs of your energy – you need like 30 cwups o' cwaffee to keep awake. Can I get a cwup o' cwaffee? I need a cwup of cwaffe.

"This is great news though, I just hope they get this treatment ready so I can get out again and really enjoy things again, instead of just getting by.

"Right now I feel like I'm just stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive."

Bi

• Packs Up, Gives In After End of ‘WillsKat' Dream
• "I Got Nothing Left," Says Emotionally Shattered PM
• Media "Disgusted" At Each Other's Intrusions Into Couple's Lives

For Bi…Shandwell Neece in London

Great Britain "effectively collapsed" as a functioning society last night after finally absorbing the revelations that heir to the throne Prince William has broken up with long-time girlfriend Kate…Whatshername.

Throughout the length and breadth of the nation, renowned the world over for its resilience and stiff upper-lippedness in times of crisis, British subjects finally admitted defeat, claiming they couldn't bear to go on without Wills and that charming commoner he's taken up with in their otherwise empty and ultimately meaningless lives.

News of the Royal split broke last week, when it was announced that 24-year-old William and 20-something Miss Thingummyjigs had parted "amicably" after four years seemingly blissful lovey-dovery.

After several days of speculation surrounding the cause of the break-up, ranging from the pressures of William's Army career, which apparently includes a heavy schedule of ski trips and days at Cheltenham Races, to accusations that some Royal courtiers felt Miss Diddley-dee lacked the necessary breeding and background for a family of racist, in-bred layabouts, the nation as one dropped the charade that it could go on without them.

Prime Minister Tony Blair, after initially going on BBC 1's The Politics Show to call on the media (like the BBC) to stop talking about it (like him was) reportedly "broke down" shortly after and, according to extremely unreliable yet extremely cheap sources, "cried like a baby, moaning ‘Who am I kidding? We're finished' over and over again.

After an emergency Cabinet meeting, Downing Street announced that the country will "pack it in for good" at midnight on Friday.

"This is indeed a sad day," prominent historian and Professor of Britishology at University College London, Dr. Humphrey Sherbet-Dibdabb, told reporters.

"You know, after all those invasions, the Plague, the Great Fire, the Civil War, riots, revolts, the Winter of Discontent, the Miner's Strike, Korea, Suez, The Troubles, the Cold War, Black Wednesday, the Iranian Embassy crisis, Iraq, two world wars and even the end of S Club 7 as both a band and television show, I thought this great nation could weather any adversity – but this has, I'm afraid, proved just too much to bear.

"If anyone could have carried on behind a stoic façade of everything being just fine, it's the British. We've done it for centuries. I mean, political and social upheaval, looming nuclear Armageddon or senseless slaughter on Flanders' fields we can deal with but where do you go when your floppy haired, horsey-faced Prince loses what we had all decided was his bride to be?"

In what little time the country has left before it is packed up for good, the nation is embroiled in one of its principle remaining industries – apportioning blame.

Some fingers are pointing at the Royal Family themselves, who stand accused of disapproving of Miss Doo-dah's lack of aristocratic upbringing.

Although the Palace has made no official comment, a prominent court suck-up told BrokenInglish: "This is the 21^st Century. The Royal Family isn't like that anymore.

"I mean, yes, they are still ‘royal' because by virtue of their ancestry, they are automatically better than everyone else but nowadays they pretend to hide their contempt for you awful peasants.

"Snobbery? Ha! Balderdash. It's absolute nonsense to suggest that the Royal Family disapproved of that awful little commoner in any way."

Elsewhere, prominent figures in the media have been quick to condemn everyone else in the media for putting too much pressure on the Royal couple – and thus bringing about the downfall of the country.

Bi's own Royal Correspondent, Trenton Ashington-Toftly launched a scathing attack on every other Royal Correspondent, blaming them for speculating about the Prince's relationship without any real knowledge or understanding.

"In particular, I blame that Witchell and the other one, Peter Hunt. They babble on about ‘I'm sure the Prince would have thought this' or ‘I imagine that he spoke to dear old granny and granddad about that', when they have no idea what goes on behind Palace doors. It's just mindless gossiping dressed up as informed opinion.

"Besides, they're both way off. I know from my years of hanging around outside Buckingham Palace with a complete lack of inside information that Wills would actually, I imagine, have confided in his Uncle Andrew, who would have soberly advised him, as I would, of the tremendous opportunities for shagging around that being a Prince of the realm presents – unless you're Edward, of course. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Ah, who cares?

"The point is, the media should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, intruding on their young lives like this. Apart from me, obviously. I was performing an important public service. And, as I explained to the Police, the incident when I was apprehended climbing through William's bedroom window at St. Andrews with his laptop was solely intended to highlight how we need to improve security for our beloved Willsy-poos. I mean, I could have been anybody.

"Anyway, if the media had any decency at all, they would publicly resolve to never act like this again – just as they did after Diana died. Hang on, that can't be right…"

Many members of the public have also blamed the media for breaking up Britain's last golden couple.

Sandra Whambar, an office worker and fan of anyone more famous than herself, told Bi: "Well, I think it's terrible. The newspapers in particular – all those paparazzi photographers chasing poor Kate every time she leaves her house.

"I bought The People, The News Of The World, The Daily Star Sunday, The Mail On Sunday and even The Independent On Sunday to make sure their coverage was as awful and intrusive as I thought it would be – and it was. I was so outraged I bought all the papers on Monday just so I could point out to others how dreadful they are."

Others, meanwhile, are preparing Britain for its final closure on Friday.

"It's a big job, there's no doubt about that," said Trevor Wagonwheels, a civil engineer who will oversee the mothballing of Great Britain.

"Britain as we know it has existed for hundreds of years – not to mention all the centuries before that, when it was a loose mish-mash of rival kingdoms, tribes and clans. It might not be the biggest country, but there's a lot to pack away.

"Although, to be honest, I don't think we'll have to have it ready by Friday. I mean, look at how long it took to build Wembley Stadium. I reckon we've got a few years yet."

Once Britain has been packed up, it will be stored in a vault underneath the British Museum, which also be dismantled and stored beneath itself. Somehow.

For many, perhaps numbed by the latest and arguably greatest tragedy to befall Britain in her long and tumultuous history, the end is being greeted with typical resignation.

"Well, I s'pose that's the end of that, then," 68-year-old Blitz survivor and retired paratrooper Arthur Chummy told Bi over a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

"All in all, perhaps it's for the best."

Bi

•  President Forgets Actions Of Last Four Years, Accuses Congress Of "Undercutting Troops"
• "Troops will suffer," says Command-in-Chief responsible for sending them to die in disastrous sectarian hellstorm.

For Bi…Shandwell Neece in Washington D.C.

President George W. Bush apparently lost all recollection of both his own and his administration's actions over the course of the last four years last night as he accused Congress of ‘undercutting our troops' with their attempts to compel him to bring them home from his war in Iraq.

After promising to veto a funding bill that the Democrat-controlled Congress has tied to withdrawing US troops from Iraq before Bush leaves office in 2008, the President said that if lawmakers did not hand over more than $122 billion with "no strings attached", they would have "failed in their basic responsibility".

Speaking at the White House, the Commander-in-Chief, who has so far ordered over 3,000 US service personnel to their deaths in Iraq after declaring ‘Mission Accomplished' in 2003, told reporters that if Congress did not grant him more unconditional war funding, then "the price of that failure will be paid by our troops and their loved ones".

"That is unacceptable to me and, I believe, it is unacceptable to the American people," said ol' "Bring ‘Em On".

Bush and his new Defence Secretary, Robert Gates, claim that funding for troops currently engaged in Afghanistan and Iraq could start running out as soon as April unless more is cleared soon. This is hotly disputed by Congress, who say the current funding will last until at least June.

The extra billions will back up and train the 20,000 soldiers that Bush deployed to Iraq in the face of fierce opposition from lawmakers, public opinion and military experts as part of his ‘Surge' strategy – or, as Nebraska Republican and Senate Foreign Relations Committee member Chuck Hagel called it, "the most dangerous foreign policy blunder in this country since Vietnam".

Bush warned in his press conference that without the injection of more money, troops could be left without basic field equipment and armour – which, he said, would amount to a ‘basic failure' in the duties of Congress to properly train and equip troops.

It had apparently slipped the President's mind that under his former Defence Secretary Donald "I doubt [it will last] 6 months" Rumsfeld, American soldiers were forced to scavenge in Iraqi scrap yards for metal to bolster the inadequate armour on their vulnerable Humvees – introduced as part of Rumsfeld's "remodelled" military.

He also failed to recollect the the fatal casualties sustained by the US military Iraq who would have lived had they been given ‘standard issue' Kevlar body armour by Rumsfeld's Pentagon. Which they weren't.

Critics of the Bush Administration's planning and execution of the war, as well as the subsequent occupation of Iraq, which has so far included deliberately misrepresenting intelligence on WMD, ignoring military commanders' calls to deploy as many as 500,000 troops, neglecting post-war planning, fuelling ethnic tensions between Iraqis with botched social engineering experiments, dismissing the ensuing insurgency, making appointments to the Coalition Provisional Authority based on political affiliation and connections rather than post-conflict expertise, and allowing Donald Rumsfeld to preside over the ensuing disaster with blithe disinterest ("freedom is messy"), were left almost speechless.

Senate majority leader, Democrat Harry Reid, lashed back at Bush's demands, saying: "He is the President of the United States, not the King of the United States."

Away from Capitol Hill, others were staggered by the President's increasing self-delusion.

"He…is he?…he can't be…I mean, what the fu..?!" said Prof. Sherman Williams of the Fellings Institute for Conflict Studies in New York.

"I find the President's current stance quite incredible – literally without credibility – along with all his previous stances on this war and his critics: that they were unpatriotic, that they ‘wanted the terrorists to win' and that they didn't support our troops.

"To now accuse Congress of ‘undercutting the troops' when they are willing to fund his ‘Surge' idea despite the wide-ranging and bi-partisan opposition to the plan, if only he will pledge to get the US out of this nightmare  - a nightmare of his creation – or at least produce some evidence of significant progress, is almost laughable. Almost.

"When President Bush unveiled his plan, he pledged that it would be tied to the Iraqi Government meeting strict benchmarks – and that American support "would not be open ended" if President Al-Mailki's Government failed, once again, to address key political and security issues.

"By early 2007, the Iraqi Government was to have approved provincial election laws, legislation to regulate oil distribution and revenues, and, most importantly, new laws to tackle the sectarian militias. There has been no progress in these areas and indeed, little evidence of any real will from Maliki and co. to make progress.

"In fact, according to many independent organisations, including Human Rights Watch, the Iraqi Interior Ministry is actually now responsible for horrendous acts of torture and sectarian violence. The bombing of the Iraqi Parliament in the Green Zone also suggests that either members of Parliament or their security details are actively aiding insurgent attacks. And yet our President demands billions more with, as he puts it, ‘no strings attached' to shore up this government.

"I suppose on one level you have to ad
mire his front, his chutzpah and his total disregard for reality. But on another, more sane level, you don't because after over two months of the President's personal plan, the only thing ‘surging' in Iraq is the body count."

Others, however, have rallied to the President's defence.

Conservative talk radio blimp Rusty Chunkledust told his permanently enraged listeners: "So the Surrend-o-crats want to bring the troops home, huh? Well, I say why would they want to come home? After all, folks, as the President and Vice President have pointed out on numerous occasions, we've had four years of victory after victory after victory in Iraq.

"And I, like any true American, believes what the President says. If you don't believe him, you are a Communist-Nazi-Islamacist-Frenchman. And Hitler. It's as simple as that.

"Let's look at the facts. Ever since 2003, everyone from the Coalition Provisional Authority to former Defence Secretary Rumsfeld to Vice President Cheney to good ol' Bill O'Reilly, have told us again and again that things are improving dramatically in Iraq.

"Now, I've never been there, nor do I watch any reports from the elitist East Coast liberal media mafia, like Fox News, about it, but by God, judging by the testimony of these men, Iraq must be some kind of wonderful paradise on Earth by now.

"So I say it's about time that Congress got off their Dumb-o-crat fannies and unconditionally handed over the billions of dollars that the President is demanding – no strings attached.  

"Because with this funding at his disposal, George W. Bush will ensure that, while he may leave office in 2008, the American people will nevertheless be able to look forward to four, five, maybe even ten more years of spectacular, non-stop victory in Iraq – and beyond!"

Bi

• Or ethics.
• Still knows how to treat the ladies, though.
• Apologises after accidentally giving his girlfriend all that cash.

For Bi…Timby Napsac

Paul "Wolfie" Wolfowitz, the head of the World Bank who is responsible for tackling corruption and nepotism in aid programmes throughout the developing world, apologized yesterday after "mistakenly" giving his girlfriend a promotion and huge pay-rises that were "grossly out of line" with Bank rules.

"Yeah…er…oops. Of all the people to mistakenly give huge pay hikes to, huh? What are the chances?" pro-Wolfie spokesman Bowdie Maraccas told reporters, responding to the revelations that since Wolfowitz became president of the World Bank in 2005, his partner Shaha Riza had been promoted to the State Department on the World Bank payroll, then given not one but two lavish pay hikes, which took her salary to over $193,500 a year – more than the Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice. Unlike the Secretary of State's pay, World Bank salaries are tax-free.

Wolfowitz initially denied any involvement in the decision but later apologised to Bank employees for his "role in the negotiations". This included a memo in which he instructed the Bank's vice president of HR to "accept immediately [Riza's] offer to be detailed to an outside institution of her choosing, while retaining bank salary and benefits". Fancy that.

The memo concluded that Riza should receive a promotion, a basic salary of $180,000 a year and an annual pay-rise of 8 per cent. Double fancy that.

Contrary to Wolfowitz's claims, the Bank's ethics committee maintains that it never approved the increases – and that it had never even been consulted about them. Fancy that with sprinkles and sauce.

"Well it's…er…it's like Mr. Wolfowitz said, this is clearly all an innocent…mistake. A mistake-ette, really," Maraccas told reporters.

"And we all make mistakes don't we? You, me, everybody. Who among us can honestly say, hand on heart, that we've never abused the odd ethical guideline or bypassed the so-called ‘proper channels' to give our partner a cushy promotion and a couple of outrageous pay rises before denying that we had anything to do with it?

"We've all been there."

Wolfowitz, who previously worked as Donald Rumsfeld's deputy at the Pentagon, is no stranger to innocent, entirely unintended and altogether understandable mistakes.

In 2003, as one of the most enthusiastic cheerleaders for the invasion of Iraq, he repeatedly stated his belief that it would be a "quick in and out mission" requiring, at most, 100,000 troops – who would be greeted as liberators on the streets of Baghdad. Could have happened to anybody.

Yet, while his arrival at the World Bank was met with almost universal despair within the organisation (an internal survey found 90 per cent of staffers were opposed to his appointment), mainly because of his ties to the Bush administration and, you know, that whole being partly responsible for setting Iraq ablaze thing, one former colleague recently described him as "a bit of a softie".

Karl Jackson worked with "Wolfie" (as he was affectionately, not to mention imaginatively, nicknamed by George W. Bush) at the School of Advanced International Studies at Johns Hopkins University in Washington. He told The New Yorker: "He really believes in helping people who are economically deprived."

Particularly, it seems, if they are his girlfriend.

Other (genuinely) economically deprived people may, however, be wondering when this belief will stretch to those with whom Wolfowitz is not romantically entangled. In the last nine months, World Bank aid to Africa has dropped by $1 billion from 2006 levels.

"Ah, now, I know what you're thinking – you're thinking ‘that can't be right' but I can explain," Maraccas told Bi.

"In some cases, we had to suspend aid because, frankly, we just can't trust some officials. Er, that's the officials in the developing countries, not the ones at the World Bank.

"As much as 20 per cent of aid is swallowed up by corruption so we had to crack down by cutting it off. Let me tell you, the nepotism in some of these places is absolutely appalling. These awful people just take the money use it to reward their cronies and political supporters, or they give it to their wives and girlfr…er…gotta go!"

A former World Bank employee, speaking on condition of not sleeping with the boss, told Bi: "I heard that when he [Wolfowitz] apologised to Bank staffers the other day, there were catcalls and cries for his resignation but you know, I thought it took a lot of guts to admit, a mere two years after trying to trample all over the Bank's ethical code by keeping his girlfriend in her job, then promoting her, keeping her on the payroll and giving her those huge salary rises, that he'd made an innocent mistake.

"Although – just one small thing – aren't mistakes normally, you know, unintentional errors made out of genuine misunderstanding? Does deliberately and repeatedly breaking ethical and salary guidelines to achieve a premeditated goal – like paying your girlfriend a shitload of money – then trying to deny your involvement count?"

Maraccas, after being dragged out of a locked cupboard in his office, continued to defend Wolfowtiz and Riza against any accusations of wrongdoing.

"Let's not lose focus on the real victim here," he said, presumably referring to the poorest and most deprived people in the countries that have seen aid frozen while Wolfowitz preoccupied hi
mself with the pressing matter of inflating his girlfriend's salary. 

"I refer, of course, to Shaha Riza." Oh.

"She is entirely correct when she says that she's the victim in all of this. She has been unfairly punished for her relationship with Mr. Wolfowitz by having to endure that most demoralizing and degrading of experiences, a promotion to a job of her choice. I feel her pain.

"It must be tough on the back carrying around all that cash, too."

"Besides," said Maraccas, "this so-called ‘scandal' is, like so many G8 promises about boosting aid and wiping out debts, all a lot of pointless chatter.

"Shaha isn't even working at the State Department anymore. She's now at Foundation For The Future, a predominantly US-funded group that is committed to advancing ‘democracy and freedom' in the Middle East. Now that's one area in which I think we can all agree, Paul and his old colleagues never made a single…er…mistake, right?

"Right?

"I think I hear the fire alarm!"

Bi

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/article2439546.ece

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/fn/4712745.html