Saturday, September 4 – 7:30 p.m.

This week has been quite the emotional roller coaster ride – a journey to the stars and back again. The ride was complete with steep drop-offs, violent emotional curves, slow climbs back to the top, and wonderful results. But that is a very long story, and I am tired tonight I’ll write about it tomorrow when I have the whole day to catch up a little.

The weather has been the other big story for the past few days. Beginning Thursday afternoon, thick heavy clouds began to dump on us. The skies poured buckets pretty much nonstop until earlier this morning (Saturday). Today we have had scattered showers that finally fizzled during the afternoon. Now all is calm, but quite cold.

A check of the weather maps shows that we picked up the lower edge of a large unnamed almost-tropical storm that is now making its way up the coast of Mexico. The long continuous pounding we received reminded me very much of Tropical Storm Agatha, just over three months ago. I do not know details, but as I understand it, many local roads are again covered with mud slides, making travel quite difficult, if not impossible. The infrastructure here is extremely fragile.

I spent an hour this afternoon surveying the damage here in town. There were no visible signs of severe flooding, but I was quite surprised to see that another huge section of the river channel’s wall (about twelve feet tall and nearly 50 yards long) has caved in. This is a man-made channel constructed with huge bundles of loose rock, held together by chain link fencing material.

It appears that the flash-flood-like rush of water undermined the stability of the huge wall, causing it to topple. The river went around the back side of the collapsed wall, and carved away about ten more feet of the hillside below a series of humble homes. If any more heavy rains come crashing down this channel, this area will probably clog up and cause much more flooding in the center of town.

Out of curiosity, I walked back down to the lake to take another visual on the water level. It appears that the surface of Lake Atitlan is at least a foot higher than it was on Thursday when I last checked. It amazes me how so much water can come down in such a short time. Just Thursday morning, many local workers proudly finished off a new temporary dock (on top of the now-submersed old one) that was about three feet above the water’s surface. Now the new dock is less than two feet above the waves. With the way Lake Atitlan continues to swell, I am guessing this new boat dock will be under water in a couple of weeks …

Sunday, September 5 – 2:15 p.m.

Wow – and I thought the emotional roller coaster ride was over. Yesterday, I was lulled into a feeling of security by a joyful, peaceful section of the up-and-down ride of life, but this morning, just after 7:00 a.m,, my little wild ride climbed up another hill and was back off to the races.

But I suppose I should start at the beginning.

PLEASE – IF YOU READ ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS WRITING, PLEASE READ THESE NEXT THREE PARAGRAPHS FIRST. DON’T SKIP THEM.

I want to preface everything I say here with the fact that I love my experiences here at the Pyramids, I love Chaty, and I love the staff members – every single one of them. As you read, please remember that I am discussing a personal emotional journey that nearly caused my roller coaster car to crash. As much as I have wanted to point fingers this week, I have always continued to know that I was creating the issues inside of me – projecting my beliefs outward, trying to place blame onto others.

I write what I write here to record and to illustrate my growth process. The negative emotions and judgments that I express in this writing are the feelings that I experienced during this process – but those feelings are now resolved in a beautiful and peaceful way. Everything was inside of me – no one outside of me did anything wrong.

I still believe that the world is a stage, and that everyone is playing their part. I fully recognize that in the events of this past week, everyone around me has been brilliantly “in character” – playing their roles perfectly.

When all of the dust finally clears, I fully expect to be grateful for everything that has taken place – everyone around me has helped to create a situation that would cause me to face more internal demons – to go through more healing and refinement – to have my own Ego slap me right across the face.

Monday morning, I made an innocent request – at least I thought it was innocent. Chaty was out of town for a few days, and one of our beautiful staff members was filling in. As class was winding down, I spoke up (yes we can talk in class) to ask about the possibility of having our exterior gates opened a little earlier in the morning. For security reasons the gates are locked at night, and have not been opened lately until right around 7:00 a.m.. It only seems reasonable that we should be free to be move about after the sun rises. Logically, no one is going to walk in and rob the place in broad daylight when people are beginning to stir.

Our teacher’s first response was “why don’t you talk to the staff in the office?” I smiled and replied “because I can’t talk.” She just smiled and said, “Oh Yeah. I forgot. I’ll talk to the staff about it and get back to you.”

Earlier that very morning, at 6:00 a.m., I had felt a deep desire to walk down to the lake to watch the sunrise – probably the first time that I have wanted to do so since starting the Sun Course. As I stopped at the gate, I was slightly frustrated that I was unable to get out. I stuffed down my frustration, accepted that I could not leave, and instead enjoyed a beautiful hour sitting on a chair under a tree. Nature was beautiful, the morning extremely refreshing.

As Tuesday morning rolled around, I again felt a strong desire to walk down to the lake at 6:00 a.m., but as usual, the gate was locked. Since Chaty was still out of town, I asked another beautiful substitute teacher about the same issue.

She was very loving and kind in her response, but one thing she said caught me off guard. As she indicated that the staff was still discussing what to do, she mentioned that the office staff told her that I have already been given keys to the gates. (It is a very long story, but the office is very protective about giving out keys, because the lock on the gate is welded to the gate itself, and is impossible to change without great expense. If keys are lost and get into the wrong hands, the staff will have to spend lots of money to resolve the issue).

Immediately upon hearing the staff’s subtle accusation that I already have a key, my hair bristled on the back of my neck, and I told our teacher firmly but lovingly (with a smile on my face) that the staff is mistaken – that I have never been given any gate keys. I acknowledged that we had talked about it once when the gate was first installed, and the staff agreed that it would be a good idea for me to have keys since my room is right by the gate – but that short discussion was the last I ever heard about the situation.

Our teacher seemed to believe me that I have no key – that none of us in the Sun Course have a key – and calmly said to not worry about it. She would report back to the staff and they would figure out what to do to resolve the issue.

My heart was fully satisfied, but as I sat in my room after class, my Ego began to chatter away – demanding that I defend my honor – demanding that I prove that I am innocent and that the staff is to blame, blame, blame. (Ego was quite agitated.)

Today, as I look back at last Tuesday, I now believe that this situation triggered many buried emotions from my past – emotions from situations where I had felt wrongly misjudged and unable to defend my character. I was totally shocked by how strongly these present-day emotions surged in my abdomen, but I managed to keep them fully in check, never once expressing them outwardly.

In my heart, there was absolutely no doubt that the situation would all work itself out, and that I need not get upset, so I calmly pushed the feelings back down – stuffing them in a corner, refusing to give them air to breathe.

(I know, I know – I have said it a thousand times. Never push your emotions down and bury them – they will always rise up to bite you – or they will poison you with future stress and dysfunction.)

For the most part I was just fine – trusting that all was OK – that there was no reason whatsoever to feel as if I needed to defend myself.

But later that afternoon, I opened another can of worms. I was walking near the office and saw our beautiful teacher from Monday’s class, sitting with the staff member in charge of the office. I walked over with a smile, whipped out my notebook, and asked (in writing) if they knew anything more about the gate key situation.

I was told that they were still working on what to do. Then the staff member filled me in with a few details, telling me that she had left keys with my name on them at the front desk, and that the ladies at the desk had assured her that I had come in to get the keys.

I again scribbled a note that the staff are mistaken, that I was never given any keys, and that I never picked them up.

Then I put my arms out with a question on my face, miming the question of “what I can do?”

The head staff member replied (in Spanish) “Look for the keys” (implying that I did indeed receive them, but just lost them, and was not taking responsibility.)

Again, stuffing my frustration, I lovingly wrote one last note, saying “I cannot look for that which I never had.”

Feeling extremely frustrated and miss-accused, I just smiled as a good little girl learning spiritual temperance would do. I rolled my eyes, dropped the issue, turned around, and walked back to my room.

But even still, I was feeling quite peaceful with those emotions being all pushed down and buried. I was going to take the high ground and just trust Spirit to resolve the whole situation in a very loving way.

Wednesday was my incredible, amazing experience with the Chocolate Shaman – an experience that dominated every moment of the day. No other feelings or emotions were even on the radar when I left Keith’s home on Wednesday evening. Likewise, I spent most of Thursday passionately writing about my amazing experience with Keith. I was on top of the world, loving the emotional high that I was experiencing.

But Thursday evening, after having finished posting my blog entry, and as I prepared to go to bed, Ego raced back up to the front of the line, started jumping vigorously up and down, and screamed in my face. “What about your honor. Those lying staff members are smearing your good name while they are covering up their own mistake.”

Again, being in a very spiritual place, and feeling exhausted from several sleep-deprived nights, I pushed the feelings aside, assuring myself that there was absolutely nothing to feel. Everything was just fine and would resolve itself.

Friday morning at 3:00 a.m., still feeling quite exhausted, I awoke early again to find Ego literally demanding my attention regarding this issue of my honor – with me needing to prove that I am right and that the staff is wrong.

Again, the insane strength of this gut-wrenching anger and feeling of victimization literally blindsided me. These feelings were not welcome. I did not relate to them. I did not want them in bed with me, and I again fought to push them out of the way – to bury them in a dark cave where they belonged.

But this time, the feelings would not go away – they festered, rotted, stunk, churned, boiled, and thrashed – refusing to leave me alone until I did something about them.

At my wits end, I finally got out of bed at 4:00 a.m. and wrote a beautiful loving two-page letter to the lady who had taught our Tuesday class – letting her know that for some strange reason, I am really emotionally struggling with the issue, and that I wanted to simply explain myself to her. I apologized to her for involving her in the issue, explaining that I didn’t know what else to do. I thanked her for the beautiful loving influence here at the Pyramids, and told her that I trusted that she would use my words in whatever way she felt prompted – but this would be the last time I ever mentioned the issues of gate keys.

As it turns out, Friday was the day we had buckets of rain pouring down for 24 hours, almost nonstop. I never once saw that teacher to give her my loving note. I felt much better after simply having written the note, and began to feel convinced that all would be well. I ended up deciding to simply slip the note into my small money purse – where it still sits undelivered, even now.

But something else happened on Friday. Chaty had been back for a few days, and was getting ready to teach us how to do channeling in the way she does it. As much as I love Chaty, I have never enjoyed being around the way that she channels. When Chaty channels the message of a being from the other side, she does it with force, speaking in a different language, often flipping her fingers up and down to move energy. It is amazing when she does it, and I can easily see that she is genuine and sincere – and that she is indeed passing along loving messages from the other side (she sometimes translates). But nevertheless, I always feel a little uneasy when she channels. Her style and my style are quite different. When I think of channeling, I think of the quiet spirit that flows through my right brain, passing through my fingers and onto my keyboard, or I think of conversations with friends where I have been deeply prompted to say something, or I think of the loving peaceful words of my dear friend Trish as she speaks in a normal conversational tone during a beautiful channeling session.

I didn’t want to learn Chaty’s way – and of course I was doing the Sun Course with an attitude – and just 36 hours earlier I had established a new and powerful “Declaration of Independence” during a session with the Chocolate Shaman – empowering myself to follow only my own heart, regardless of what some other respected teacher might say.

During the first 30 minutes of silent meditation in our Friday class, I began to feel angry. Emotions began to surge within me – emotions of rebellion – emotions of judgment – emotions of refusal – emotions of defensiveness and of standing my own ground.

Then I suddenly began to feel deep resentment toward Chaty. I started to silently judge her in many ugly critical ways – judging her teaching style, and her hands-off-and-minimal-feedback manner of leaving us on our own to figure out our own paths.

“I wonder if she even knows my name?” I silently felt victimized as I realized that I am not sure if I have ever heard her call me by name. We really do not have any interaction with Chaty outside of class, and while in class she rarely uses a name when talking to anyone.

During the last few minutes of meditation, I had worked myself into an intense feeling of resentment and victimization, nearly reaching the point of rage. Tears began to flow down my cheeks – but they were not the loving joyful tears that I am so used to shedding. Instead, these were tears of deep emotional pain.

Luckily, during this particular class, Chaty only asked us to go through all of the “Channeling steps” so that we could feel the energy build up. Then she instructed us to simply silently observe the feelings and thoughts that come to us.

I pretended to do as she told us, going through the motions, but continuing to hang onto my anger. It is well-known in my awareness that emotion is what brings power to the ritual activities in which we engage (prayer, mantras, etc…). I kept secretly hoping that nothing would materialize from the channeling world, because my angry emotions were intense, and I did not want to connect with any angry beings from the astral realms.

After class, I went straight to my room, fully realizing that something had to be done about these emotions. I knew without a doubt that now was the time to quit stuffing these poisonous feelings that continued to ferment within my soul. It was time to release them, to process them, to figure them out, and to then kiss them goodbye.

Even though I desperately wanted to point fingers at everyone else, I knew without any doubts that this is all an inside job. I simply felt helpless to pull myself out of the pain. I began to feel like an absolute fraud – a hypocrite – for not being able to live and follow my own guiding words – words which I write about so frequently. After all, my present issues seemed so silly and simple compared to the mountains of emotions that I have excavated during my lifetime.

Even though I knew the emotions were all based on silly beliefs and projections, the projector was stuck in the on position and just like Wednesday night, I could not find the off switch.

After a good venting of my emotions, I felt considerably better. The pressure buildup was released. I easily recognized that there was nothing to be upset about. Everything going on around me was oblivious to my pain – it was all simply in my own perceptions and belief systems. Friday was a great day. Peace was again restored.

Beautiful Channeling

Saturday morning, we had another channeling class. In this class, Chaty asked us to actually write down the things that come to us, telling us that in our next class she will want us to speak them out loud.

Having had a great morning meditation, but still feeling quite resistant to channeling, I began to go through the motions – right into the part where we were supposed to start receiving.

“I don’t want to do it this way.” I kept repeating over and over in my head. “This manner of channeling does not connect with me. I refuse to do it this way.”

Finally, I grabbed my notebook and began to write every word that flowed through me. At first, I felt as if the words were just me expressing my frustration. Quite soon, however, I realized that the words were flowing through me, not coming from me. I simply wrote fluidly as fast as I could write.

I suddenly figured out that the preparatory steps that Chaty had us do were simply to help us focus, to connect with our guides, and to breathe in such a way as to connect with our inner temple. From that point, I was free to express the messages that may or may not come using my own personality.

Here are those words that flowed through my soul. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I wrote many of these words. This is exactly what flowed through me. I only made a few minor punctuation changes.

*  *  *  *  *

I only “think” it does not work for me, but that is because I am extremely resistant. I don’t want to do this. It feels weird. It is real connection – but not in a way that resonates with my soul.

My way is different. My way is peaceful, quiet, relaxed, joyful, listening to ripples on the pond – not energy buildups and finger flipping.

Forget everything you know. Lower your defenses. Stop thinking you know this is wrong. Stop fighting, We can’t talk to you when you are fighting, resisting, refusing to embrace new methods with a loving heart.

Trust, try, bring love and pure intention to this method. If you don’t like it, that is OK, but you at least need to try it – to taste it with a joyful, open, attitude. Forget appearances, forget what others might think. Listen to truth, not fear of opinions or judgment.

We love you. We are here holding your hand. We are cheering for you. We are guiding you in every step. Yes, you have your own unique and beautiful way of connecting with Spirit, and you should never, never give it up, but you also need to open your mind. Try new things. Don’t worry about opinions of others. Stop resisting. Stop fighting. NOW is the time to embrace everything that occurs around you with pure love, pure peace, pure acceptance, pure gratitude – to wash your clothes of all that old resistance, that old judgment.

Free yourself of the chains that have been around you for lifetimes. Be yourself, be free. Now is the time. We love you. We have always been here for you and always will be. You have an incredibly huge support system in reaching the point to fulfill your mission, and it only gets stronger from here. You cannot fail – you will not fail. Failure is impossible. Failure is not in your vocabulary and there literally is no such thing.

You have amazing and beautiful things ahead of you – things which you could never possibly imagine with your current myopic viewpoints. You are perfect in your journey. Just keep blindly trusting your promptings, raising your vibrations, and living in each moment.

You need not concern yourself with the future – only the present. Keys and Angular Stones are all the future – fine and dandy to have them, but they are not the beautiful magical present. Live in the present – present – present – period; one moment – one precious moment at a time.

We will take care of the rest. We will arrange the synchronous details. You already know we have been doing this – but you don’t yet realize how much we do. Your awareness will continue to sharpen and you will gradually recognize that everything that happens around you is planned – not by chance.

Yes, your skirmish this week with Ego was our doing – an opportunity to look in the mirror at your huge Ego that still dominates certain areas of your growth – blocking you from further growth. The more you remove this Ego – the more you look into the mirror as if it is a treasure hunt rather than digging through shit, the more rapidly you will grow and develop your deep and rich intuitive abilities. You have great things ahead of you. Trust us – simply process the present moment with love and awakeness and you need do nothing more.

*  *  *  *  *

After writing the above, I felt as if I were done and returned back into meditation for about one minute. Then, this final little bit came flowing out before Chaty rang our closing bell – signaling that the time was up.

*  *  *  *  *

Are you ready for some more? You will be staying in San Marcos for some time, studying with Keith, honing your energy intuitions, learning to trust your instincts at an ever deepening level. You will develop very deep relationships with yourself and those around you. These relationships will add to your powers and abilities – wherever two or three are gathered is a powerful concept. The growth is even more intense when shared with others.

*  *  *  *  *

The rest of Saturday was a wonderful, peaceful, energy filled day. I felt joy in my heart as I practiced more internal energy work and simply allowed myself to be.

But then, this morning rolled around (Sunday morning). Again being wide awake at 6:00 a.m., I stepped outside thinking it would be wonderful to take a walk down to the lake.

Noticing that the gate was still locked, I thought to myself, “That is fine, I’ll just sit here till 7:00 a.m., and then I will go for a walk.

While sitting, I inhaled the beautiful present moment – watching a spider spin part of a beautiful spiral web, observing a furry black caterpillar walking up and down a tree trunk, listening to birds, watching butterflies, feeling the cool crisp morning air. It was all divine.

The best part is that a beautiful grey cat – a cat that has never given me the time of day – suddenly became my best friend. She jumped up on my lap and purred away like a little motor boat, sending peaceful vibrations throughout my tummy.

But as 7:30 a.m. rolled around, and the gate was still not open, that little Ego voice inside of me had begun getting quite noisy.

“Don’t they consider our feelings as we are locked in here?” Ego clamored for attention. “Doesn’t anyone around here care that I feel like a prisoner in my own home?”

I tried to peacefully ignore the voices, shocked that they were still around and kicking – having believed that they were resolved. Finally, at 7:40 a.m., as if to make a point, I grabbed my things and a small notebook and peacefully walked over to the house of the beautiful teacher from Monday’s class. Knocking quietly, I waited till she came to the door, still in her bathrobe.

I smiled and showed her a note that read: “I feel like a prisoner. Can someone please open the gates? Thanks.”

My words were written in loving phrases – but the emotion behind them reeked of frustration and building resentment.

As soon as I found a beautiful spot near the lake, I placed my mat on the ground, grabbed my notebook, and began to scribble away. I was angry at myself for not letting go of this issue – for repeatedly dredging it up almost every day. This morning, I was determined to get to the bottom of my emotions. I knew that there must be something much deeper that was being suppressed – something that needed to be opened up and examined.

Following is some of what I wrote in this deeply-probing self-analysis:

*  *  *  *  *

Why am I so obsessed with this issue? Why does my blood boil so hotly over the fact that the gates are locked? This morning I was so peaceful sitting in the garden until 7:30 a.m. when the gate was still locked.

“This is not right!!!” my Ego screamed. We are prisoners. Someone in charge needs to do their job!

Why is my wrath raised by this? I know it really doesn’t matter. I have an assumption that the gate should be open at 6:00 a.m. – Who made that rule? I think I did. I have an assumption that I should not have to ask someone to let me out. Who made that rule? I guess I did.

I have been quite passive – trying to have temperance, all the while silently judging how stupid this is – how insensitive everyone is to leave us locked in so late in the morning.

This issue has been a non-issue for a long time now. Why is it suddenly surfacing now? Who is my anger really aimed at? Perhaps at myself.

My honesty and integrity are being smeared by the staff. Or are they? I don’t know that. I only know what little snippets I have been told.

I do know that this is a beautiful opportunity to prove my God-like love – my temperance. “All the world is a stage” and everyone is playing their roles perfectly – driving me insane with their seeming indifference – causing me to feel even more angry.

How can anyone cause me to do anything ?… to feel anything?

They cannot. That is silly. That is not in their power. It is me – 100 % me – who has the power over my emotional feelings – period.

Why do I want to be right?  … Why do I believe that everyone should be seeing things my way? Why do I have such an attachment to this issue? … to being right? … to making others wrong?

Is there any doubt that everything will work out in the end? NO. Is there any doubt that this whole situation is a setup (by the Universe)? NO. Is there any doubt that once I finish my healing that I will laugh at this situation and feel grateful? NO.

My anger is not at anyone else – it is ugly judgment and victimization – pure and simple – my own crap projected outward.

So how do I resolve this? What would I tell someone else?

First, scream and/or express all of the emotion in some safe, non-damaging way. Second, re-center myself spiritually, reconnecting with my divine self. Finally, re-write the perceptions of the situation. It is all in my perception – 100 % of it – so re-write those perceptions.

So what is stopping me from doing this? I think it is because I am in Ego right now, and Ego wants to be right. Ego does not want to give up control. Ego does not want to be rendered useless and wrong – and that is exactly what I want to do to it.

*  *  *  *  *

As I finally returned to my room, I promptly accessed my pent-up emotion and expressed it through sobs and pillow-punches.

Then, still feeling quite numb, I decided it was time to reconnect with Spirit so that I could have the inspiration to rewrite my perceptions. My heart said music was the answer, so I accessed my favorite healing music – a collection of songs from the healing workshops that changed my life beginning seven years ago.

After about an hour of singing along numbly to songs that always inspire me, I stumbled upon one that I had forgotten about – one that I first discovered last October while riding my bicycle around Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. It is a song titled “Close Your Eyes” performed by Michael and Jeff McLean. If you want to access the entire words to the song, you can check out my October 18, 2009 posting titled “Close Your Eyes.”

Today, the song brought deep tears to my eyes – grounding me back to my spiritual roots in a very powerful way. I listened to it over and over again – at least ten times. The words which healed me so deeply were:

Close your eyes
This part is scary
Take my hand
It won’t last long
You will love the ending I promise
When this part of the story is gone

Yes, I did find my emotions very scary. It frightened me that I could still be sucked so deeply into such emotions of victimization and despair. The beautiful song reminded me once again that this is all part of my growth process – that I can take God’s hand, and that it will all be over soon – and that I will definitely love the ending.

Finally, I reached a point where I absolutely had to make a dash out to the restroom. As my ears hit the fresh outdoor air, I heard the faint harmonious hum of a nearby hand-pumped organ – the same small portable instrument that last Monday’s teacher loves to play occasionally. She was doing something she loves to do – playing Hindu Kirtan chants while singing along. I noticed she was alone, but knowing that she loves people to join her, I quickly grabbed my mat and headed out to the garden, eager to further ground myself in my newfound spiritual healing.

Almost immediately upon sitting down to enjoy the incredible music, tears started forming in my eyes. Singing before me was this amazing spiritual woman whom I admired. I was deeply ashamed at myself for having felt judgmental thoughts toward her earlier in the week (because she was not championing my desire to be freed from suspicion – because she seemed to be removing herself from my plight of irrational victimization).

As soon as the tears started streaming down my cheeks, I lowered my head, picked up my little notebook, and began writing a heartfelt letter of deep apology and love to this amazing woman. When I finished writing, my heart felt as if it were 100 pounds lighter, and the tears were gone. Ten minutes later, as she continued to play yet another beautiful chant, I walked over, placed the note on her keyboard, gave her a loving smile, and walked away.

Wrapping It Up

As I look back on this insane emotional meltdown – trying to figure out all of the contributing threads, I realize that I have experienced a lifelong feeling of victimization that I probably have never fully exposed and/or dealt with. That victimization has to do with feeling unjustly judged by others and being helpless to do anything about it. In some cases, I have tried to convince others to not judge me; in others I have had no alternative but to humbly ignore the judgment and to live a life filled with unconditional love. I had believed these issues to be fully healed – but apparently they were not.

In most all cases, that judgment has indeed disappeared, or at least greatly diminished. The only area where I continue to feel somewhat misunderstood is by extended family – but I know that too will heal with time. The only thing I need do is live my life in a loving and honorable manner. There are no words that could ever convince anyone to stop judging – only actions of living a life of love might do that.

As I write these words tonight a large spider decided to join me, sitting about three feet away on my wall, above and to my left. My first reaction was to think about bug spray. My second reaction was to thank the spider and to send it love and gratitude for keeping the smaller insects at bay. Perhaps he is here to watch me type – to make sure I get this emotional healing stuff right.

This weeks silly situation of being incorrectly accused of something I didn’t do, and then not being able to talk about it, triggered me to unknowingly revisit all of my unhealed junkyard of past emotions of helplessness when being judged by others. Now that I understand that this is still an open wound, I plan to dig even deeper. But I do believe that the issue over gate keys has finally lost all of its power in my life.

The other issue that came up for me was in meditation on Friday, when I suddenly became so intensely angry, with most of that anger being directed toward Chaty. I believe that anger and emotion has to do with my sense of having sacrificed myself – my true feelings – throughout most of my life. For most of my life I have had an entrenched pattern of trying to please my parents, my religious leaders, my teachers, my bosses – pretty much honoring the methods of any and every adult in any position of authority over me, while simultaneously ignoring my own heart.

As I had just gone through my “Declaration of Independence” with Keith, and as I was steeped in victimized emotion from the gate-key incidents, this other related emotion came gushing to the surface as well.

It is now so obvious to me that my entire emotional roller coaster ride this week has indeed been a beautiful setup – given to me by my spiritual guides as a blessing to show me a few more unhealed areas in my life – areas that I can now examine a bit more deeply.

I just smile inside when I realize how everything that has happened in my life this week seems to have been related to this powerful lesson. The urge to go to the lake, the resulting and frustrating discussions, my amazing visit with Keith, the downpour of torrential rains on Friday, and my resistance to channeling – all of it has been intertwined and orchestrated in a powerful way.

I am pleased to report that I made it through the pain. Yes, it was often quite scary as I faced unexplainable and intense emotions – but yes, I do believe that I will love the ending. I’m still not sure if I am quite there yet, but if I am not, I do know that I am very close, and am anxious to finish healing another major source of buried emotion in my life.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Thursday, September 2 – 1:15 p.m.

Wow, where do I begin?

Yesterday morning (Wednesday) I felt an internal urge telling me that now was the right time to go make another appointment with Keith (The Chocolate Shaman). I waffled back and forth about whether I should do it again during my silence versus waiting until the Sun Course is over. That little “maybe you need to follow the rules more closely” voice was poking me in the ribs, and I wasn’t sure whether or not I should listen to my heart or to that rule voice.

But my heart won the debate, and right before noon I made the ten minute stroll out to the edge of San Marcos.

As I engaged in writing notes to Keith – notes regarding my desires for another appointment – he brought out a comfy camping chair and said “Now is as good a time as any.” So, I broke my silence and we were off and running.

As usual, I made it clear that I had absolutely no idea why I was sitting there in front of him, other than that my heart wants to go still deeper. I began by telling Keith about my private energy journeys of the past two weeks – small miniscule things like opening new energy channels, and communicating with the millions of cells in my abdomen.

Then I expressed my observation that those things worked great for a few days, and then all of a sudden I could no longer recreate the same experience any more. Keith just smiled and reminded me of something I already know – there are no formulas for making this work. The second that we think we have it figured out, the rules all change. This is because when we figure it out, it becomes a routine mental process. Spiritual and energy work is all about the connection of the heart – not the mind.

I made a random comment about how I still struggle with traditional meditation techniques (even though I know that the reason is that I have tried to make them a routine mental process). I mentioned to Keith, in a way that was more like a question, that when I am with him, my intuitive energies seem to flow unobstructed, and that I also have many deep intuitions when by myself – intuitions that bless me when I connect with Spirit in my own ways. But when I try to sit with my legs crossed, watching my breathing, I usually feel empty, sterile, and disconnected.

To my surprise, this random, unplanned thread of comments became the theme for our session together. It never ceases to amaze me how Spirit communicates so clearly, yet so obscurely. A random little thought that just popped out of my head was exactly what I needed to focus on – what I needed to heal. And the healing journey was amazing.

Chocolate To The Rescue

After Keith meditated for a few minutes to connect with my energy, he informed me that he was being guided that for today’s session we should use chocolate – specifically using about 60% of what he normally uses during chocolate ceremonies. Before running into his kitchen to crank up the blender, Keith first asked if I was OK with using chocolate today. For me, the answer was a no brainer. I have learned to implicitly trust Keith’s intuitions. He has never given me any guidance that did not feel 100 percent in alignment with my own heart.

Soon, I was drinking my glass of quite bitter “love-grade” pure ground Mayan cacao mixed with a heavy dose of cayenne pepper and something from India that Keith called Mucana Puriens. Keith indicated that the extra supplement helped the body to more easily absorb the chocolate’s functional ingredients. Whatever the Mucana Puriens is, it definitely seemed to have strong diuretic properties. I must have had to run into the nearby restroom at least six or eight times during what turned out to be an amazing four hour (plus) session.

Before we went deep into our session, Keith reminded me of a simple metaphor that he had previously mentioned to me – one about throwing a small pebble into rough ocean surf. Of course, if you do this, you will most likely not see any ripples in the ocean waves, and you would probably not even see where the pebble actually entered the water. But, if you throw the same small pebble into a smooth pool with a mirror-like calm surface, the ripples that flow through the entire pool are quite obvious, being easily seen.

Keith reminded me that the spiritual promptings that we are seeking are like the tiny ripples generated by the pebble. Their energies are always there, but they are so easy to tune out, and are utterly invisible when our mind is filled with rough, incessant mental chatter.

I asked Keith why it is so easy to feel the energy ripples when I am around him, but I find it considerably more difficult in my own private space. He just smiled as he told me that he has learned to ground his own energy space, projecting it out so that it helps other people to be more in tune to their own ripples. Keith used the symbol of a tuning fork to clarify what he meant. When you bang a metal tuning fork on a hard surface, it begins to melodiously vibrate at a set frequency, and it literally affects the vibrations of other objects around it. He further pointed out that if you bring another tuning fork up next to the vibrating one, then the new one will begin to vibrate at the same frequency.

“I just start my own tuning fork.” Keith smiled as he answered my original question one more time, this time using the tuning fork metaphor that made the concept so easily understandable.

My Way Versus The “Right” Way

Keith asked me to close my eyes and meditate. Almost immediately, I felt immersed into a deep loving energy – an energy that warmly embraced me from all sides. As I continued basking in this incredible feeling, I heard Keith comment something like “Wow, this is beautiful. The powerful loving energy that you are radiating is making me tear up with emotion.” I simply smiled, keeping my eyes closed, focusing on enjoying the amazing feeling.

After about twenty minutes of simply quietly vibrating in this beautiful loving space, I opened my eyes and resumed a short conversation with Keith. Breaking from his usual hands off approach, Keith began to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. I love it when he does that. He probably realized that I already knew exactly what he was going to tell me, but that I actually needed to hear it verbally from someone else that I have learned to trust.

As Keith talked, my heart vibrated with pure resonating agreement – confirming that his words, which I did indeed already know, are true.

Keith reminded me that throughout my life I have constantly found the courage to follow my heart, to trust my own feelings – even when following my heart went against everything that I had ever been taught by well-meaning people. He reminded me that my heart has always been 100% right, and that my journey has been beautiful.

Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I realized intuitively where Keith was going with his words. I thought of the countless times in my life where I faced excruciatingly difficult decisions – knowing that being true to myself would wreak havoc in the lives of those I loved – yet also knowing that if I did not follow my heart, there would be no point to living at all.

These tears of joyful recognition became a frequent and welcome visitor throughout the remainder of our amazing flow of words and explorations.

Briefly, I opened my eyes, sharing a few details of past agonizing struggles where I had somehow found the courage to keep following my heart. I acknowledged that without exception, following my heart has always brought me incredible growth and beautiful rewards.

I then explained many of my recent struggles with following my heart – specifically about how my had heart demanded that I participate in the Sun Course, but that I needed to do it “with an attitude” – meaning that I needed to do it in my own way, while always listening to my personal internal guidance rather than just blindly following outside guidance and expectations.

Then I smiled a wrinkled smile as I acknowledged to Keith that recently I have been frequently pushing my heart out of the way as I try to comply – trying to do things the way Chaty wants us to do them. I keep allowing a nagging left-brained voice to whine in my ear – a voice telling me: “You will get better results if you do it the RIGHT way – that being Chaty’s way. She knows more than you. If you follow her lead, you will reap great blessings and treasures.”

“Yes, yes, yes.“ The whining voices incessantly remind me. ” Meditation and spiritual growth have been achieved in this way for thousands of years. There is great wisdom in this fact. You have to do it this way – the right way. You must abandon your own method, learning to use the tried-and-proven ways – the ways that work for others. Surely this will give you even more powerful guidance.”

I slightly giggled out loud as I pondered the absurdity of these little intellectual voices.

Keith continued his beautiful words, reminding me that my own personal connection to Holy Spirit – which is actually my Higher Self – is ALL that I need, all that I should ever trust.

I am the first one to expound here in my blog about how everything is an “Inside Job” – yet here I find myself, somewhat looking for someone outside of me (Chaty) to validate my spiritual path.

Yes, that is exactly what I have been doing – surrendering a certain amount of personal control – expecting Chaty to teach me a more enlightened way of doing things.

Yes, I absolutely love Chaty’s guidance and teachings – she has so much incredible experience and spiritual wisdom. She lives what she teaches, and it is beautiful and powerful for her, and for many others. She always teaches with love, never makes demands, and simply gives us assignments (and techniques) for meditation.

But no, I cannot and will not blindly follow her instructions if my heart tells me to follow a slightly varying path. I must always put priority on the promptings from within.

Wow! As I internalized these thoughts, a feeling of deep empowerment raged forth within my soul. I later realized that this same newfound “Declaration of Independence” also pertains to my “A Course In Miracles (ACIM)” beliefs. I absolutely love my ACIM beliefs and I practically worship many of the amazing ACIM teachers – but I cannot, and will never again, blindly listen to another teacher of any belief system – no matter what it might be.

From today forward, the absolute authority in my life – in all matters – is the quiet whisperings of my own heart. Through my heart’s intuitions, I trust my Higher Self to provide me with all of the guidance that is needed in my own unique journey. The paths of others will be quite different than mine, as they are guided via their own hearts.

Yes, for certain, I will continue to seek out teachers like Chaty, Keith, and many others. I will absolutely bask in the light of their wisdom. Very often, such external teachers have been a powerful way to jumpstart my personal learning processes. But from today forward, my heart will be the only filter of what becomes the truth by which I live my life.

Anyway, I am diverging slightly.

A New Perspective

As Keith asked me to re-immerse myself in meditation, a welcome interruption appeared on the porch. Keith’s young helper – Isaias – a handsome and wise-beyond-his-years young man of Mayan descent walked in.

“Isaias will be joining us.” Keith told me before asking for my blessing. The focus soon shifted away from me as Keith told me that Isaias is facing many of the same issues that I have plowed through in my own life. My ears perked up as Keith told me that Isaias is grappling with decisions about following his heart, even if it means that others in his culture and his life might not agree or understand his path.

I went deeper into meditation and just listened as the other two discussed things that Isaias was visualizing. I soon realized that this young man has some deep spiritual gifts.

After about ten minutes of listening while slipping deeper into silent meditation, I suddenly felt the boundaries of duality and separation beginning to melt. At a very intuitive level, I began to deeply realize that I am those ancient Mayan Elders of which the beautiful young man was talking. I also felt quite clearly that I am also Isaias himself.

Actually, what I realized is that at the highest level we all share a common Higher Self – the ultimate Holy Spirit. It is literally as if each one of us is a conscious cell helping to compose the body of a larger living intelligence. That larger entity has a living consciousness, accessible by all who belong to it. Taking this one step further, that entity is also a cell in yet another even larger living entity. I then turned this analogy around as I thought of the millions of conscious living cells that make up my own physical body – the same ones with whom I communicated just last week.

“For each of these cells,” new insights flooded my mind, “I am literally their Higher Self.”

The whole concept made so much sense as I continued to meditate still deeper. Suddenly I decided to visualize myself successively connecting with the consciousness of each of these Higher Selves. I went up several amazing levels when I finally realized that myself, Keith, Isaias, and Isaias’s ancestors are all part of the same living entity – a wondrous conscious being with the wisdom and intelligence to guide those of us below who are searching for understanding.

I began to feel a deeper sense of identity and unity, one that sent deep energy vibrating through my soul.

At this point in my meditation, after being on my own for over fifteen minutes while Keith was talking to Isaias, Keith suddenly returned focus to me, saying something like, “Wow, Brenda, now you are making incredible progress.”

It amazed me that Keith was still right there with me, fully aware of the major breakthrough that was, at that very moment, taking place in my consciousness.

As I continued to ponder, my heart reminded me that Planet Earth is itself a living, conscious being – and I suddenly realized that this living planet is literally one of my direct ancestors. In a very literal sense, I am a child of this planet, and this planet’s consciousness is high up in my chain of Higher Selves. It all fits in so beautifully with the symbolic teachings of the Tree of Life.

Again, as I continued to lose myself in this maze of wondrous contemplation, the tears began to stream down my cheeks. I suddenly understood in a very powerful way that the wisdom of the ages – absolutely everything I need to know and understand as I spiritually find my way home, is indeed the birthright of this conscious living Higher Self of which I am a contributor. At this higher level, every single human on this earth shares the same consciousness. All we need to do is to raise our vibrations and access this deeper connection that is us – all of us.

No, I will no longer depend on outside feedback from a spiritual teacher or anyone else outside of myself to tell me if I am doing something correctly. I feel so empowered and free – free to connect directly with the divine – the divinity that is my literal birthright.

Our deepest growth comes from our own internal source. It is critical that we be true to our own inspiration. Each one of us has our own unique way of accessing these channels of intuition. The trick is in learning to recognize our particular channel, and in then learning to gradually trust the messages we receive from those gently rippling waters.

Pillars Of Light

As Keith return to work with Isaias, I could not help but listen in a little closer. At one point, Isaias mentioned his hesitancy to connect with the energy rising from the earth. He only wanted to allow energy to enter his awareness from above. Having recently resolved this resistance in myself, I opened my eyes and volunteered an insight that had really helped me.

“It is just like an electrical circuit.” I piped in. “There needs to be two wires, or the current cannot flow. We need to ground ourselves to the physical earth in order for the Spiritual energy to flow freely within us.”

As Keith reentered the conversation to validate what I had just said, I felt a strong desire to put my words into practice. I immediately closed my eyes once again, relaxing my arms with my open hands stretched out in front of me, imagining the energy flowing through me, with my body being the center of a circuit that joined the energies together.

As I began to sunbathe bask in the incredible peaceful flow of energy that started almost immediately, Keith stopped what he was saying to Isaias, switched back to me, and commented on the incredible energy that was now moving in my body. He then asked Isaias to try to connect with my energy, and to then describe what he could see.

Isaias amazed me once again, when within less than a minute he began to speak, saying something like, “I am seeing a beautiful column of brilliant white light, beginning at the core of the earth, rising up, passing right through her body which is surrounded by a ball of light, and then continuing straight up into the Universe.”

This beautiful poetic description of what I was experiencing caused my vibrating energy to nearly double in strength. An amazing feeling of connectedness permeated my soul, giving me a profound feeling of warm peaceful presence of which I was an integral part.

For another twenty to thirty minutes I simply inhaled the amazing energy. Little by little, additional intuitions began to flow into my awareness. Then an unexpected insight flooded into my consciousness. My focused attention seemed to be magically drawn to my precious spiritual medallion – the one that Trish gave to me two years ago in a channeling session – the one that my guides asked her to give to me – the small round metal circle with six silver spokes dividing the circle into six pie-like shapes – the one with a single green emerald in the middle and six rubies around the outside circumference.

Something intuitively whispered a message that now felt so obvious. The medallion was never meant to represent a vertical circle that stands upright like a tiny Ferris wheel. Instead, the medallion represents the horizontal slice of a vertical column of light energy, with the green emerald being me, the color of the heart chakra, standing right in the middle of that divine column. The medallion was meant to represent the experience that I was having at that very minute.

Shivers rushed through my spine and tears returned to my cheeks as I spoke up and emotionally summarized a brief history of my necklace to Keith and Isaias.

Minutes later, Keith again interrupted the silence to tell me that some energetic changes were now beginning in my root and second chakras. As these words left his mouth, I was already beginning to feel little twinges of energy bouncing around in these areas. I asked him later if he could clarify what changes the energy might have made, and he said that he did not know – but that whatever it was it would help take me to the next level.

The energy just did not stop. At one point, Keith got up from his chair, leaned down directly in front of me, reached out with his right fingers, and promptly taped me quite forcefully – first doing it several times on my heart chakra, and then repeating his actions on my third eye. I forgot to ask him later what he was doing, but I definitely felt the results. As he tapped, and after he finished, I felt a definite increase in the flow of energy through my body. It was as if he had been helping to free up some clogged energy to help to open my flow to a new level.

After what felt like forever (and an amazing forever it was), Keith then suggested that he and I each use our consciousness to expand our own columns of light (I guess he was experiencing one of his own) such that our columns would surround Isaias. Soon Isaias developed his own powerful column. Then Keith guided us once again into expanding our energy, first to the point that the three of us were a single united column, then to the point that the column engulfed the entire village of San Marcos. Soon our column was the size of Guatemala, and finally, we visualized our column of light filling the entire planet.

It was quite the rush – a powerful visualization experience (when I say visualization here, I did not see anything – but felt it quite powerfully in my mind). Just minutes after visualizing our expansive combined energy, the three of us returned to silent meditation, with each of us just quietly and reverently returning to immerse ourselves into individual experience. I discovered that no matter what I did, whether it was occasionally talking, opening my eyes, running to the restroom, or simply sitting quietly in meditation – the energy remained with me. If I became momentarily distracted, all I had to do to return to the energy was to remember that it was there and I would again feel its powerful flow.

For the last hour or so, the three of us simply sat around and visited. I did not want the experience to end, and I certainly was not going to be the one bring up the topic that it was probably getting quite late. Even when we engaged in active conversation, I continued to feel the energy in a powerful way.

The Teacher Will Appear

Quite early in our session, while waiting for the effects of our recently-consumed chocolate to sink in, Keith had casually mentioned the fact that for nearly two months he has been thinking that he would be doing some traveling, perhaps another international tour – but for some reason or other, he was still here in San Marcos – the travel has not materialized.

“You know why you are still here don’t you?” I jokingly commented. “It is because I needed you here. I needed these amazing internal growth experiences.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Keith responded teasingly, “because there really is only one of us here, and it is you.”

We had never discussed this topic before, but we were both playing around with one of my favorite paradoxes in the Course In Miracles. The belief is that there really is only one of us here on this earth, and the rest of everyone else is our own mental projection – part of our own private dream – as if everything centers around us for our own growth and development. Of course that one person is me since I am the dreamer … or am I?

From someone else’s perspective, I am merely a character in their dream, put there by their subconscious mind to help them grow in some way.

I still cannot fully wrap my arms around this paradox, but I do strongly believe that in each of our realities, the world does indeed cater in wonderful ways to our actual needs (yes I said needs, not wants).

At least this has been my own personal experience. Whatever I need always seems to show up at precisely the right time, whenever or wherever I may need it. It is that old adage “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear … and when the teacher is ready, the student will appear.”

So when I was joking with Keith about him still being in San Marcos because I needed him, I was actually quite serious. With all of my heart, I believe that whatever I need to encounter in my spiritual path will be provided for me, exactly when I am ready for it. My travels of the past 15 months have repeatedly been filled with such amazing synchronicities.

What Keith told me next made my head spin with the possibilities. He explained that he has a little piece of property just below and across the street from his home, right down by the lake. He said that he is feeling prompted to make a few changes to the property, adding water, electricity, and a toilet with sink – and is then thinking that he will begin teaching daily classes, using that property as a beautiful outdoor classroom. Keith’s imagined timeframe for all of this to happen would be in mid-to-late November, with classes being offered up into the April timeframe.

My heart lit up with excitement as I told Keith that I am not in a position to make commitments or plans, but that my initial gut feeling is that “I am all in.” I cannot imagine anything that I would rather do than to spend four or five hours every day over an extended period of time, learning from this incredible man, deepening my own personal connection to the divine, hoping that just maybe some of his magic might rub off on me. I feel so inadequate as I ponder doing what Keith does – but something inside of me tells me that this is one more case of “the student being ready and the teacher appearing.”

An Inspired Style

As we sat enjoying the energy during our final hour of chatting, we again talked extensively about Keith’s intention to begin teaching classes. The more we discussed the possibilities, the more my energy vibrated a confirmation that I will definitely be taking advantage of this amazing opportunity to learn and grow.

But we did not spent the entire hour talking about the future. I had other curiosities to be explored. I began to query Keith about how he does his magic, telling him that I never cease to be amazed at how he seems to know everything that is going on, and seems to be able to inspire someone to find their own answers from within.

Keith explained that his spiritual guides taught him to work in such as way that he never uses his own opinions or feelings to lead a client. Instead he always follows the client’s own energy, going wherever that energy takes him. Keith told me that everyone has their own unique learning style – their own unique way of connecting with and feeling Spiritual promptings. He connects with their uniqueness, and then follows his own spiritual promptings in helping to guide them to the point of discovering their own internal answers and connections.

I immediately understood why I have such an amazing connection with the way Keith works. I thrive on this style – it is my own style – a style where I seek not to teach or to change others. Instead, I seek to inspire others, through my own life examples, to find the courage and/or the ability to establish their own personal connection with the divine – their own inspired inner music.

When working with Keith, I have always felt as if he is completely inside my head and my heart, seeing things through my personal filtered lenses, my emotions, my viewpoints. Invariably, everything he has ever done with me has gently guided me into discovering what is already within me. He does not teach me or show me the answer. He follows me, dropping clues as needed, guiding me on the treasure hunt with just enough energy to keep me motivated in my search. And the amazing thing is that I get immediate feedback that inspires me to trust and to believe my own feelings.

Where’s the Off Switch?

As stood up to give Keith a goodbye hug, I first glanced over at my watch. I was shocked to see that it was already after 4:00 p.m. – just over four hours had zoomed by in a flash. The column of energy was still flowing through my body.

As I thought about what was happening to me, I was intuitively drawn to another visual – a mental image of a transporter on the starship Enterprise – you know the one where one moment you are standing there saying the words “beam me up Scotty” and in the next moment your body is a vibrating mass of molecular movement being beamed off through space.

Well, as I began to move, I felt as if my body were literally inside of that transporter beam. After reaching a standing position, I was at first quite dizzy and weak. I momentarily wondered whether I even had the strength to make the ten minute walk back to the center of San Marcos.

Keith jumped up and told Isaias that he was going to walk out to the street with me, and to perhaps show me the property where we would be holding the classes. I secretly wonder if Keith was just concerned to make sure I had the strength to walk, and he wanted to be sure to be there to catch me if I were to collapse. Gradually my strength began to increase as we walked down the hill toward the lake. Upon seeing the beautiful setting, I became even more excited about the possibilities of spending several months here as an avid student of my inner energies.

As I slowly inched my way back to the center of San Marcos, I was starving and weak. I stopped at one of my favorite spots for dinner – devouring a large plate of rice with steamed vegetables while enjoying a lovely glowing fireplace that radiated heat into the now quite-cool evening. At this point, I was not at all concerned with the fact that eating would cause me to miss evening meditation in the pyramid temple. I absolutely had to eat, and I was anxious to get started on my writing.

But as I finally arrived back in my room, I felt utterly exhausted from all of the energetic work that I had experienced during the afternoon. Determined to not forget a single thing, I forced myself to briefly sit at my keyboard, typing in a quick list of experiences and insights that I simply had to record in my journal.

By 7:00 p.m. I was in my pajamas and in bed, expecting to sleep like an exhausted baby – but that darned (did I say it was wonderful? LOL) energy would not stop flowing. I searched everywhere in my subconscious to find the illusive “off” switch, but it was nowhere to be found. I desperately wanted my body to stop vibrating. I was so incredibly tired and so desirous to rest – yet my head, arms, legs, and especially abdomen were all still abuzz with constant movement.

Finally, as I realized that my body was not going to shut down, I reminded myself that there is a huge difference between pain and suffering – between a body that will not stop vibrating and a body that is home to a miserable exhausted person who is a victim of not being able to sleep. I immediately made the choice to be a tired-but-happy person living in a vibrating body. Grabbing my IPOD, I cranked up the volume with the likes of John Denver, Collin Raye, and Josh Groban (even though technically we are only supposed to listen to meditation type music – if any music all – because music can distract us from the purpose of our silence).

“I am doing the ‘Sun Course with an Attitude’”, I reminded myself. “If my heart wants to listen to this music, then I am going to do it.”

I finally noticed that my body began to relax around midnight. At 12:30 a.m. I turned off the IPOD, rolled over, and dozed off. But after waking this morning (Thursday) at 5:00 a.m., I was right back searching for the energy’s “off switch” all over again.

Being unable to return to the world of sleep, I again made the choice to be happy. At 6:00 a.m. I grabbed my IPOD and stepped out into a beautiful morning filled with crisp fresh air. “Happy” felt so much better than being an exhausted victim of very little sleep.

This afternoon at 1:15 p.m., as I finally found the energy to attempt some writing, I did not see how I could possibly keep it up for very long. But the more I wrote, the more my energy picked up. I became determined to not stop until I finished. Now, as I near completion, it is 9:10 p.m. Other than a one hour dinner break and a 90 minute evening meditation, I have been writing nonstop all afternoon. It never ceases to amaze me how writing about spiritual growth is exactly what I need to reenergize my soul. Not only did I successfully record another amazing growth adventure with Keith, but I filled myself with rejuvenating light and energy at the same time.

Now I hope to translate that rejuvenating light energy into the soul of a happy-but-sleeping Brenda, drifting off into dreamland.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Monday, August 30 – 6:45 p.m.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a beautiful day of basking in spiritual experience. I literally loved my four hours of writing in the morning. Then, after running to the local internet café to post that blog entry, I joyfully immersed myself in another four hours of further energy explorations in my room.

For the first time in my life, I felt the energy chakras open up in the bottoms of my feet. It was actually quite amazing. I have felt the energy in my hands for quite some time now. It was quite weak at first, but has gradually increased in intensity. I have long known that such chakras also existed in the feet, but had never even given them a second thought until yesterday. In addition to feeling the energy portals begin to open in my feet, I was also thrilled to experience what felt like a new energy channel beginning to clear around my spine.

My entire four hours was filled with great energy. The experience was well worth the effort, and yes, it does take a great deal of effort to focus and concentrate for four hours, watching my breathing throughout the process.

*  *  *  *  *

Early this morning (Monday) I had a series of three different and seemingly unrelated dreams. I won’t go into the details here because none of them stand out as being especially significant – other than the fact that I actually remembered most of them. As you may recall, for several days now, I have been struggling to remember any dreams at all.

The third dream was significant in one tiny area. At the very end of a very confusing dream, I found my consciousness drifting off. Then I suddenly realized that I was reading some type of advertising flyer. As I was about half way down the page, I became momentarily lucid as I read the word “encardena”. As soon as I realized that I was lucid, I tried desperately to remain in the dream to do some more reading, but left the dream almost immediately, forgetting everything that I had read except this one word.

As I pondered the dream, I was convinced that I was reading in English. I had never heard of this word before, but was absolutely sure it must be a real word. I believed that if I looked it up in a dictionary that I would find a meaning – perhaps a message. Not having an English dictionary, I grabbed my Spanish to English (and vice versa) dictionary. The word was definitely not in the English section, but a little hunch encouraged me to check for the word in Spanish section.

Sure enough, I found the word “encardenar” which is a verb meaning “to chain or to shackle.” The word “encardena” would be the third person singular conjugation, meaning “he/she/you/it chains or shackles.”

So far, I have not attached much personal meaning to this word, other than to find it fascinating that this previously unknown collection of letters actually is a word. I wonder if perhaps the dream is trying to tell me that I still have some symbolic form of chains or shackles holding me back from my growth. As I passed through today, it sure felt as if there were shackles preventing me from progressing.

*  *  *  *  *

Today I found the bottom of the next ocean wave. I had been joyously surfing right up on top of the big waves yesterday, but no matter what I tried today, I seemed to be paddling along in the low trough between waves. The big ones seemed to be breaking and crashing down right on top of me.

Don’t get me wrong – it was not a bad day – just a very flat ho-hum disconnected one. As I tried to do more energy meditations, I simply felt stuck and tired. I switched and attempted to do some sitting up meditation, but felt deeply distracted and uninterested. I crawled in bed to take a nap, hoping to have another dream. But I had no success in this area either.

Throughout the day, it seemed that no matter what I tried, a huge brick wall (perhaps a wall of chains) was erected in front of me – taunting me, laughing at me, telling me that what I have done before will no longer work – telling me that I am going to have to figure out the rules all over again.

I am tired. The energy work that I have done for much of this week has been amazing, but exhausting, and I simply need a change of pace.

Tonight during meditation, as I grappled with my feelings of inadequacy and emptiness, the realization suddenly hit me. I have been the proverbial square peg that is trying to force itself into a round hole. Once again, I have forgotten the roots that have guided me to this point in my spiritual path. I have forgotten to do my own personal meditation style – the kind where I simply lose myself in nature, sing songs, listen to music, repeat my mission statement, fill my heart with gratitude, ponder my many blessings, talk out loud to spirit, write in my journal, and just watch the bugs and the bees, etc…

Beginning tonight, I plan to shake things up a little bit, returning to a few tried-and-proven techniques that almost always help me reconnect with spirit – my own little form of Superman magic pills.

But I don’t plan to completely abandon my mostly-futile attempts at traditional meditation styles just yet – I will continue to focus on them in a balanced way. Something inside of me tells me that there must be some treasure at the end of that rainbow too if I can just discipline myself enough to find it. And of course, I know I will soon return to my amazing energy experiences.

But my heart right now is begging me to take a temporary detour, to go smell some flowers and sing songs to the lake. I think that tomorrow morning after class, I will follow my heart wherever it leads.

Tonight I am extremely tired. Even though it is only 7:30 p.m., I am going to hop into my pajamas and plug in my IPOD. It is time to cheer up this weary mind with inspiration of a different venue.

Tuesday, August 31 – 6:00 a.m.

I give up – attempting to sleep is futile. I have been awake now since 2:45 a.m., at which time I finally gave in to an intense dream process that had been going on for at least an hour or two prior to that early hour. In the dream, I was literally half awake, and half asleep. My mind was racing, churning, seemingly focused on solving the mysteries of the Universe.

Finally, at 2:45, realizing that if I didn’t at least write something down, that I would most likely not even remember the experience at all by morning, I sat up, pulled out my little reading light and my dream journal, and began to scribble. This is what I wrote:

“Tree of Life – six aspects centered around light and love – in constant flux, struggling to maintain balance.”

This was about all I could remember – at least what came to consciousness as I attempted to remember. Then I continued by writing the following:

“I have been in an ‘awareness’ state for what feels like hours, knowing that some deep stuff is being grappled about in my subconscious mind. Each time I try to remember something about that which I am dreaming – trying to make sense of it – it all goes blank. Then, I immerse myself back into the exhausting fray of the dream. As a flash of insight reaches my conscious mind, I again try to grab onto it, only to go blank again. This is quite the paradox.”

Having written what little I could, I again crawled back under the covers, determined to go back to sleep. Five minutes later, I was up again. I didn’t remember any more about the seemingly incessant dream – but I felt prompted to write down my feelings about the symbolism of the “six aspects centered around light and love” that I had written about earlier. I repeatedly wrote a tiny bit, went back to bed, sat back up and wrote some more, went back to bed, and sat up again. This process went on repeating itself till 4:00 a.m., at which time I felt as if I had satisfied my need to write.

Then the floodgates opened with full force as ideas began to flood my mind with things that I wanted to write about. All the while, I refused to get up to turn on my computer. After all it was 4:00 a.m., and I was very stubborn, insisting that I wanted my sleep. Nevertheless, I continued to process these thoughts until finally, here I am, right now at 6:20 a.m., surrendering and beginning the writing process.

Before I write about my further scribbling from last night, however, I need to first lay a lot of background.

Symbols, Symbols, and More Symbols

I have written about this before, but now the lesson is ever so more powerfully engrained in my mind, and I need to revisit the topic.

Pretty much everything that we use to communicate in this world consists of symbols – whether those symbols are language, mathematics, photos, colors, images, or even parables and metaphorical stories. In every case of communication, mutually agreed upon (and mutually experienced) symbols are crucial if the message is to be successfully conveyed.

Let’s suppose that I want to share a message with my dear friend Michelle. In my mind I put together a collection of symbols that mean something in my own personal experience, and I then share those symbols with Michelle, hoping that she understands what I want to convey. But suppose I choose to use the symbols of the Spanish Language. Since Michelle has never internalized Spanish symbols in her own experience, she will not understand anything that I tell her.

Likewise, if I try to share a mathematical formula with someone who has never studied math, my message will meet a blankly staring face.

The real pitfall of communication occurs when two people erroneously think that they understand the same symbols. Let’s say that I am eating breakfast with a young girl in Great Britain. If I ask her to pass me a napkin, she is most likely going to be very puzzled. Even though we speak the same language, when I ask her for a napkin she is probably picturing in her mind what I symbolically label with the word diaper. Unless she has been exposed to US English, she will think I am bonkers.

On an even more subtle note, communication totally depends on having a shared experience. For example, supposed that my friend Jeanette grew up her believing that sugar was salt, and that salt was sugar. If I tell Jeanette that my food tastes salty, the symbolism of salt will cause Jeanette to imagine that my food is very sweet – because “sweet” would be her own personal experience of the word salt.

Language is a tricky thing. We think we are communicating accurately and objectively, but in reality, the whole process is extremely subjective. If I describe a very powerful spiritual experience here in the words of my blog, then every person out there will likely interpret my words differently – interpreting them based on their own personal experiences regarding what a spiritual experience is like for them. It is impossible to do otherwise.

The Kabala is literally overflowing with symbolism. One of the reasons that we in the Sun Course spend our first 50 days filling our heads with intellectual knowledge is that we are trying to associate mystical symbols with some type of shared meaning. Yet, until we have a personal experience of that “shared meaning”, the symbols really mean absolutely nothing – they are merely a collection of intellectual words or shapes.

The final 40 days of our silence is all about attempting to get that “personal experience” in such a way that the symbols will come alive in our subconscious – helping us to understand in a very personal way how the whole model of creation fits together. Until we get that genuine “personal experience” there is no real understanding – just intellectual words and abstract symbols.

*  *  *  *  *  7:30 a.m.

I just returned from a thirty minute stroll down to the lake. I fully intended to sit by the water, to enjoy nature, and to perhaps write in my notebook. But as I sat there on a cold hard rock just a few feet above the beautiful calm waters of Lake Atitlan, my restless mind incessantly demanded that I return to my computer – that I continue this writing. I have a hunch that I will be writing pretty much non-stop today until I finish pouring out whatever it is that my heart desires to express – and I have no idea how much that is – I guess I will find out when I am done.

I want to emphasize that I am writing these things for my own healing and comprehension – to help me clarify where I am at in my own process of understanding the symbolisms – to help me satisfy this deep internal longing to write it all down – to organize it – to simplify it – to clarify it for me so that I can perhaps begin to spiral down another level deeper.

It is my sincere desire that my words will also help anyone else who may feel a desire to read them – but rest assured, I am not attempting to preach or to teach. Instead, I am attempting to understand by explaining it all to myself.

The Illusionary Universe

One of the hardest concepts for me to originally swallow about “A Course In Miracles” was the teaching that this entire Universe is an illusion, very much like a nighttime dream. None of it is real in the eternal sense – zilch, nada.

Now, today, as I study the teachings of Hermes, and how they all relate to Kabalistic beliefs, one of the things that I literally love is that one of Hermes’s seven founding principles states that everything is mental – a mental projection from the mind of God – that the entire Universe (but only all of it) is contained and projected in the mind.

I need to momentarily regress again. I should point out that I am studying the “Mystical or Hermetic Kabala – a group of teachings based on the ancient wisdom of Hermes – teachings integrated with the ancient and rich spiritual symbolism of Tarot, Astrology, Numerology, The Emerald Tablet, The Kyballion, and Alchemy. While the Tree of Life is the same as that in the traditional Jewish Kabala, and while many of the teachings and concepts fully overlap, I need to emphasize that what we are learning is not the pure Hebrew viewpoints. The wisdom I am learning has its roots deep in the traditions of Atlantis, and even earlier. Yet, it is true that much of what I am learning is indeed based on the Hebrew roots – the language, the words, etc…

The Holodeck

One of the most powerful symbols that I have picked up in my life-long love of science fiction is the concept of the “holodeck” originally based on the television series: Star Trek – The Next Generation.

For anyone not familiar with the holodeck, it is a computer-generated pseudo reality – fully programmed using holographic imagery and artificial intelligence. A “real” human being can enter such a fantasy world and gain valuable training and experience. The same artificial world can also be used purely for entertainment and play. But the underlying thread is that when one is actually interacting on the holodeck, it looks, feels, smells, tastes, and sounds every bit as real as the outside physical world.

One main safety feature of the holodeck is that a human being can engage in dangerous and life-threatening activities without actually facing any real harm – because no real harm can occur in that computer projected realm – unless of course the “safety feature” is turned off. If that is the case, a human can indeed die while in the pseudo holodeck reality.

Yes, the concept of a “holodeck” is indeed a powerful symbol. For anyone who has experienced a holodeck in the fantasy world of movies or television, the word “holodeck” brings up real mental images, real memories of fictional stories, real understanding of an actual fantasy immersion – one that can be discussed and easily related to by others who also love Star Trek.

I find that the symbol of a holodeck is a powerful way for me to describe this “seemingly” real world in which we now exist. In reality, this entire Universe is one massive holodeck somehow created in the mind of God. (Whether it is a dream or some other type of mental projection does not matter.) From a mortal and human perspective, everything seems absolutely real, and it indeed feels as if the “safety feature” of our reality is definitely turned off. Our bodies can get hurt. We suffer pain. We can seem to die even horrible deaths.

But in reality, the safety features are fully intact. Our eternal divine soul is the one ultimately experiencing this playground called planet earth. Death in this physical realm means absolutely nothing in the eternities. It is merely a transitional state back to next higher illusory plane – the Astral realm. None of it is real, and nothing can really happen to us. Our only task while in this projected reality is to learn to be God-like – to love, to not judge, to not be attached to things, to remember the truth of who we really are. The closer we get to this understanding, the less the circumstances of the world around us matter. Until we fully achieve this divine “state of being,” our soul will continue to return to another physical body for more practice life experience.

The Tree Of Life

So when I think of the Kabala’s Tree of Life, I actually think of the holodeck symbolism. The Tree of Life is an archetypal map of how this holographic-projected Universe was originally created, and how it continues to shift, to grow, and to evolve dynamically.

The Tree of life consists of ten spheres or “sephiroth”, each of which symbolically represents one energetic aspect of creation. The highest and most abstract sphere represents a state of pure being, pure potential. The next two lower spheres represent the first spark of unbridled masculine energy, balanced by the first concept of providing conceptual form to that energy, being the feminine that brings such form.

The next six spheres successively build on these concepts, becoming increasingly more concrete. The first of these spheres brings in the concept of God-like benevolence and brotherly love, which are then balanced by the energies of the next sphere – form-giving (and destroying) energies that provide energy, will, determination, and courage to make life’s difficult choices. After these two are perfectly harmonized in a third sphere that represents the mediating energy of Christ-like consciousness, the tree again branches out with an unbridled creative, loving, artistic, mother-nature-like energy which is then subsequently balanced by the stability of intellectual form – given some type of archetypal structure in which to create. Finally, the sixth sphere in the group represents the full balance of emotion and intellect, creativity and knowledge, merged with the subconscious awareness of our true divine identity.

Another invisible entity living somewhere in the Tree of Life represents our divine consciousness, our awareness as being our own higher self.

It is these six middle spheres that then manifest (become the parent of) the final sphere which symbolically represents the actual created entity within whatever realm we are dealing.

In fact, the Tree of Life represents many realms. The highest is the realm of the symbolism of the Gods, a realm where spiritual bodies are ultimately created. The second realm is that symbolized by Archangels, where our divine mental body/consciousness is formed. The third realm is that of the symbolic angelic energies – a realm where our astral body is developed. The fourth is symbolized by the astrological energies of the planets and the zodiac, being that of the physical realm where the actual Universe and our physical bodies are manifest in form.

But the kicker here is that within each and every sphere of the tree, there exists inside yet another entire Tree of Life; and every Tree of Life can be ultimately represented as a single sphere within a larger Tree of Life. The possibilities are endless and mind boggling – completely intellectual to someone who does not have a personal experience with meditating on the deep symbolism.

But, then again, we need to remember that all of this is nothing but a huge massive holodeck, created in the mind of God. The only absolute reality is the timeless, eternal being-ness that is the source of this entire creative cycle.

So this is my quest – to immerse myself in this symbolic world of creation – to meditate on the symbols, to understand in a very personal way just what each of the symbols mean to me – what they can teach me – what they can help me understand about the Universe I presently find myself living in – and to help me discover the truth about my divine roots.

The Quest For The Keys

Another thing that I have never previously mentioned is that the Tree of Life can be a powerful meditative tool for helping a genuine soul-searcher to approach the mysteries of enlightenment. Chaty explains it to us somewhat like this:

Buried within all of the symbolism of the many combined systems of Kabala, Tarot, and Astrology, etc… are clues that will point one to a key hidden within the tree – in fact two hidden keys – which when discovered and properly utilized can open doors to mystical experiences that bring amazing new insights and understanding regarding creation. Also hidden within the symbolic mysteries of the tree – but likewise requiring experiences that only come from personal revelation – are insights regarding many other mystical treasures.

Chaty first discovered the keys herself prior to establishing the first Sun Course – many, many years ago. But it was not until about three years ago that one of her students first found and experienced the keys for herself. Since that time, I believe that a grand total of only four or five students have found and experienced the fruits of these keys.

So when people begin the Sun Course, the idea of “finding the keys” is the first and foremost thing on many peoples’ minds. It becomes some type of intellectual treasure hunt followed by a spiritual treasure hunt.

When I first surrendered to my promptings to participate in the Sun Course, I had absolutely no interest in intellectual exercises, or in finding any keys of a silly Tree of Life. I was totally in the game because my heart demanded that I be here – telling me that there is great personal growth in store – growth that would help me grow closer to the Astral realms and to my quest for enlightenment.

But as soon as I began studying, I have to admit that I began to wonder “Will I find the keys?” “What could they possibly be?” “What difference will the keys make in my life? etc…

Then I had to ask myself, “Why would I want to find the keys?” and “Wouldn’t such a quest be based on Ego?”

A part of me whispered from my shoulder, “It would be really awesome to say that I am one of a very small and elite group of people that has found them.”

Of course my answer was “No, I really don’t care about finding keys. That is not why I am doing this course.”

I simply trusted that I would be guided to find and to discover whatever spiritual treasures that I need as I progress down my present path – trusting that Spirit will guide me to find exactly what I need, at exactly the precise moment when I need it. So far, this seems to have been the case with all of my past dreams and other intuitive guidance, and I see no reason to doubt that future experience will be any different.

But then, as our 40 days progresses, and as Chaty occasionally asks us about our current experiences and insights, I begin to feel internal pressure that perhaps “I need to focus harder. Perhaps I need to force myself to more aggressively seek the inspiration and intuition that will guide me to find the key. I must … I should … I have to … I am destined to … blah blah blah.”

Such feelings really feed into my Ego – becoming a trap that I believe has me stuck at this very moment. As of two hours ago, I am exactly 20 days into my silence – precisely half way through the 40 days. I cannot believe it has gone so fast. I feel as if I just started, wondering where all the time has gone. I feel a sense of self-imposed pressure to make more progress, and to make it even faster.

As I write, intuition tells me that the brick wall (or the chains from my dream) that I am hitting has everything to do with this pressure – this lack of trust – this sense of needing to push harder.

I should know better. I do know better. But it is so incredibly easy to get caught up in such a quest for buried treasure.

Beginning in this very moment, I commit to myself that I will strive to be present in each moment – doing only what my current promptings guide me to do. I will stop worrying about future outcomes, future tasks, future meditations, or about future lessons slipping away. I know that whatever I am ready for will indeed happen as long as I remain present.

I can simply melt back into this peaceful present moment awareness and return to trusting Spirit. Just maybe, just maybe, just maybe, Spirit might actually know what it is doing. I certainly do not know the answers nor do I know the precise path – but Spirit for sure does know.

Another thing that I find a little challenging is the inspired manner in which Chaty works her magic. She does it brilliantly. I believe she has given us everything we need in our journey, but she has done so in such a way as to make it not at all obvious, burying the details in a maze of intellectual information. Then she has basically turned us loose to struggle on our own, reminding us that everything we encounter during our journey – every situation, every emotion, literally everything that comes up – is part of our process.

Chaty has told us to expect our growth, inspiration, and insights to be based on our current level of spiritual development. She has told us to expect to bump into walls and veils through which we must progress via personal growth. She has told us literally everything we need to know – but absolutely nothing at the same time.

When I work with Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) I love the one-on-one attention where he knows exactly what I am experiencing. He follows my journey and gives me just enough clues to keep me interested, to keep me focused on doing it myself. Then he confirms my intermediate steps, giving me intuitive feedback that helps me to know that I am headed in the right direction. But Keith invariably makes me find the solution on my own.

Chaty takes a much more hands-off approach. She gave us everything up front and has basically turned us loose, leaving us on our own to seek our own internal answers. I love Chaty’s approach – but I long for Keith’s gentle step-by-step feedback. Ultimately, if I do gain great spiritual insights here at the Sun Course, it will most likely be because Chaty does make me do it all by myself – giving me the confidence that I CAN, and I DID.

Is That EGO?

Last night, in meditation, we did some more partner meditation/discussions. As before, I was paired up with beautiful N’himsa. The questions we discussed were things like “What are you searching for in life?” “What do you hope to gain from this course?” etc…

Of course, my answers were all “Enlightenment.”

I genuinely, with all of my heart, am devoted to this goal – no longer in a “work, work, work, or do, do, do” manner – but in a pure, deeply rooted genuine longing of the soul.

But as N’himsa and I discussed Ego, and I momentarily questioned my motives as to why I want Enlightenment, a huge burst of Ego briefly flashed into my mind.

I envisioned writing powerful spiritual books, being a best-selling author, and going on speaking tours, etc…

“Woah!” I thought to myself as I saw Ego written all over my thoughts. “Where did that come from?”

Yes, I do see myself publishing books, and yes, I do see myself as giving speeches, etc… – but no, such desires are not based on desires for fame or fortune – they are merely promptings of what I believe may be coming down the road. With every genuine fiber of my soul, I know that I will be thrilled and lead an extremely satisfying life whether or not I ever do any of those things – even if I end up living in a cave somewhere in Tibet. Enlightenment is my genuine goal, and whatever else happens, simply happens. I will embrace whatever that is, wherever that is – but my only genuine desire is to more fully connect with the divine.

Astrology – Crazy-Schmologyy

Throughout my life, I have considered astrology to be utter mundane silliness associated with the meaningless daily horoscopes that find their way into our lives via nearly every form of published media. I never understood any of it, and never had a desire to open my mind, even in the slightest.

I now realize that Astrology is filled with creational symbolism – symbolism that remarkably brings great insight into other spiritual systems. I recognize that it is almost all symbolic – including the relationships of the mythological Gods, and their powers. But the more I understand that symbolism, the more amazed I become at the ancient wisdom that has existed on our planet for eons of time.

Every one of the planets and their corresponding mythology corresponds, in amazing ways, with the creation energies of the spheres in the Tree of Life. Likewise, the astrological signs of the zodiac, as well as seven of the planetary bodies, are used to provide symbolic meaning to nineteen of the twenty-two paths that join the ten spheres of the tree together. (The other three are the symbolic elements of fire, air, and water.)

Even though I have long since moved away from being locked into the beliefs of my Mormon roots, I never cease to be amazed at how much wisdom Joseph Smith had in the early days of the church. In his deep wisdom, the founder of Mormonism taught that the planet earth has a living spirit – a soul with feelings and consciousness. I always found this hard to swallow – but now I embrace the concept with all my heart. Not only do I believe that this planet is a living being, but I also believe that the Sun, Moon, and other planets are also living beings.

I actually believe that our solar system is a living entity, as are all of the other solar systems in our galaxy. Likewise, I believe that our galaxy is a living being, as is the entire Universe itself.

I, in my tiny insignificance, am merely a simply cell in this massive web of existence – but wait. I am made up of millions and millions of cells, and I believe that each of them is also a conscious entity. Could all of this be true? I believe it is.

Early Morning Insights

So there you have it. Everything to this point has been my sharing of sharing the “lot of background information” framework that I needed to put out before I could discuss the simple insights that flashed through my mind early this morning.

I began to think in astrological symbolism regarding the spheres in the Tree of Life – specifically in the level of the tree that represents creation of the physical realms.

One by one, a planet came to me, along with new insights regarding its symbolism. I would reluctantly get out of bed and write down the insight. Then I would go back to bed, trying to sleep, only to get up again with more insights about the next planet.  Following are those insights.

Saturn

Saturn is a planet that is very closely related to the creation of time, as well as slow, but powerful learning. It is associated with the third Sphere, the one that begins the creation of restrictive forms – the sphere responsible for the concept of birth and death. In fact, Saturn represents a mythological God who was said to devour his own offspring – symbolic of the fact that what is born must die – nothing in form is eternal.

Time is the concept of measured impermanence, symbolic of birth and death. Without birth and death, the concept of time is nonsensical, it has no purpose, because eternity is forever, it has no beginning, no ending, nothing by which to measure time. It is simply the present moment enjoyed forever.

As I ponder my own learning style, I wonder if perhaps I have some Saturn in my astrological charts. I often struggle to gain real and permanent learning, requiring slow hands-on experience to get it. But when I do learn in such a way, the learning is powerful.

Jupiter

Jupiter is associated with the fourth sphere, in the area of the forces of benevolence. The concept of too much benevolence is like a disease. Nothing would get done. Everyone would sit around and hug and smile, gushing forth compliments to each other, but nothing would get done. Jupiter is the symbol of these beautiful loving traits of stability and loving perfection – but such traits and energy forces need a healthy framework of form in which to function. Otherwise their excess leads to very unbalanced and unproductive life. A beautiful energetic concept of benevolence, by itself, can do nothing. It needs courage, determination, will power, desires, etc…

Mars

Mars is associated with the fifth sphere. The energies of Mars have long been given a very bad name. Yes, Mars represents the warrior planet, and used out of balance its energies can lead to cruelty and destruction. But in proper balance, Mars is also the creator of form that brings love to life and action. Mars energy is the source of courage, determination, and will power that combined give productive focus to the energies of benevolence. A properly balanced Mars is the “engine” for the “gasoline” of love. Mars helps us to make the tough, often unpleasant, decisions in our life that must be made in order to move forward with our growth.

Venus

Venus is associated with the seventh sphere. Beautiful Venus – such a dazzling creative force – Mother Nature perfected – bringing ideas, joyful artistic forces, creation energy untamed – wild desires of fancy and playfulness. But unfocused, unstructured, and unbalanced in the world of form, these forces can by themselves accomplish nothing.

Mercury

Mercury is associated with the eighth sphere. Mercury’s symbol is the same as that of Venus, but with the added horns of a bull. Mercury is the intellectual planet of Hermes. Structure and intellect sound so utterly sterile and boring – and they are indeed sterile and boring when not powered by the focus of Venus. To be productive, Venus’s forces need the structure and stability, the restricting form of Mercury – but Mercury’s endless organizing and structure is meaningless when simply focused on learning. Mercury is a huge gift to creativity – not its nemesis. Mercury brings with it the sensibility to use that creative Venus energy in a meaningful way.

Moon

The Moon is associated with the ninth sphere. Mysterious moon, fountain of femininity, subconscious knowledge, and endless pulsing cycles. Moon provides a very interesting backdrop of ebb and flow, flux and reflux – a playground where we get to practice finding our balance between Venus and Mercury, between Jupiter and Mars – a playground where we can connect directly to higher self’s warehouse of hidden knowledge.

Sun

The Sun is associated with the sixth sphere. It sits right in the middle of the tree, centered in balance between all the other planets. The Sun needs no balance. It is the center of life energies as we know them. Sun is the radiator of that precious warm force of love that fuels everything. When Sun is hidden, that is darkness in every way. Light is love, the energy of creation, the energy of mediation, holding all other forces together in a way that can be amazingly balanced and productive.

Consciousness

There is one more entity in the tree that I believe is also a part of Sun’s balance. This is our divine consciousness – the awareness that is separate from our physical brain. Without this awareness, all of the world would be a mute point. Awareness itself is the creator of life. Without living intelligence, life would be unperceived. This is like the “tree falling in the forest, would it make a sound” question of philosophy.

The Universe is one huge holodeck which we repeatedly enter with each successive lifetime. (Actually we never leave it.) With every entry and exit to/from earth, our conscious memories are wiped clean, but our subconscious remains intact. The only way to leave the holodeck permanently is when we return back to the reality of the oneness that is our divine birthright.

The entire Universe is all mental, and will all eventually be withdrawn back into that state of pure oneness.

The Tree of life is an Archetypal map of the holodeck – a Universal map that is manifest from the highest spiritual realm (just below oneness) all the way down to the physical realm.

Oak Trees and Acorns

The above section is all based on my notes written between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. this morning. I touched a few things up and added a few details for readability, but this is essentially the things I wanted to record in my journal – that I wanted to analyze for further understanding.

As I sat in meditation class this morning, I was exhausted, mentally hammered. I could hardly focus as my mind raced on at 100 miles per hour, constantly thinking about everything that I still wanted to write today. Stopping the chatter seemed as daunting as trying to stop a moving freight train with my bare hands. I finally gave up and just let the energy flow unobstructed. I felt as if the incessant chatter might soon drive me insane, and it was exhausting me.

Then, suddenly, about three minutes before our time expired, I found myself intuitively connecting with my heart. My energy suddenly returned to a calm resonating, peaceful vibration and my exhaustion simply disappeared to nothingness.

This flash of insight brought me one last item for today’s writing – the analogy of an Oak Tree and an Acorn.

The Tree of life is easily comparable to both the huge mature Oak tree and to its small nut-like seed. The tree of life shows that everything in life is a hologram – a part of the whole.

The whole tree if fully contained in the genetic information of each tiny cell. Within that miniscule acorn is a huge mature Oak Tree, just waiting to grow. Everything potential about that Oak Tree is present in that acorn; everything that is except its growth and nourishment. But given enough time and patience, a tiny acorn can and will indeed become a huge towering Oak.

Each one of us is like the acorn. The archetypal map of the Universe is buried in every one of our cells. We are literally descendants of the living stars – the stars being our ancestors up the chain of creation. Within each one of us is the destiny to become as the stars.

But, then of course, all of this is just a mental projection anyway, so anything and everything is possible.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Friday, August 27 – 7:00 p.m.

After enjoying every bite of my oatmeal with fresh pineapple and bananas, I took a short little walk down to the waterfront this morning. I was just curious to see where all of the recent rains have ended up. To my surprise, I discovered that that beautiful covered boat dock here in San Marcos is now completely under water. A new makeshift one has been built about three feet higher, right on top of the same posts. The main covered waiting area – an area that I estimate used to be at least eight feet above water level when I arrived in April – is now only a few inches above water level, and even the smallest of waves wash over its surface. The rains just keep coming, and we are still just barely over half-way through rainy season.

*  *  *  *  *

Today has been one of intense meditation. Even the yoga this morning was very meditative. We are in the first few days of a new Moon Course – a time when our yoga teachers focus a great deal on slow breathing techniques. Except for two meal breaks and my short walk, I have been pretty much meditating all day long.

Between oatmeal and burritos, I spent about three hours lying flat on my bed, focused intently on very deep breathing, while simultaneously practicing energy work on my body. It still never ceases to amaze me – or to puzzle me – how every time that I do this I discover that I have to do it differently if I want to get anything to work for me. After considerable concentrated effort, I finally managed to get a mild relaxing energy envelope vibrating throughout my body all the way up to my neck. As I focused intensely on trying to move the energy further up my neck I noticed that the energy instead began to follow the path of my tight hard neck muscles right back down into my upper shoulders.

It was amazing as I followed and partially guided the energy into areas of my denser muscles which have been tight and stiff. I literally felt as if the energy pulses were going in with gentle little waves as they began pushing their way through my denser tissues. It was quite the awesome feeling to sense little streams of the energy working their way around the insides of my shoulders and lower neck muscles.

Then, rather than returning focus back to my neck and above, an intuition guided me to return my focus back to my lower abdomen – the areas of my second and third chakras – the source of so many anxiety and/or panic attacks throughout my lifetime. What happened next totally surprised me.

Using the will of my conscious mind, I became a cheerleader and conductor as I asked the cells in my abdomen to begin the same process that I had just experienced in my shoulders. I gently coaxed and prodded (mentally) my abdomen, urging it to let go of its years of stored up emotional energy, to begin allowing the light (energy) in – to allow and to trust these energies to detoxify and to cleanse the old energy.

With deep love in my heart I focused my concentration on my tummy. Finally, after about ten minutes, I felt an initial sharp little twinge on the left side.

“That’s it.” I spoke to my tummy. “That is a good start. Now keep at it … trust me … we can do this … it will be safe to unlock the toxins of all of these old buried emotions … we don’t need the old stuffed-away energy any more.”

To make a long story short, within another fifteen minutes or so, the energy gradually intensified and began working its way outward, beginning at a point in the middle of my lower abdomen (below my belly button) and gradually spreading out in an ever expanding three-dimensional sphere. It was quite amazing to feel sensations inside of my body in areas where I have felt nothing for as long as I can remember – that is nothing except anxiety and panic when intense fears once gripped my soul.

The more the energy spread, the more I consciously cheered it on, congratulating my cells as if they were each individual consciousnesses – and as if I were their elected leader.

Finally, after about 45 minutes, I felt intuitively as if I were nearing the final bursts of energy clearing of these old buried, stored emotions. The energy had not only cleaned out below my belly button, but had worked its way all the way up through my solar plexus as well, right up to the borders of my rib cage. As the final bursts of energy tingled away, I imagined my struggling emotions as a ten year old, then as an eight year old, and as a five year old, and then even as a three year old. I felt quite emotionally tender as I imagined these final buried emotions being liberated and evaporated.

As my intuition told me that the final energy had at last been cleared, I felt a wave of warm, gently vibrating, peaceful energy throughout my abdominal area. I began to silently shout congratulatory messages to the hundreds of thousands of cells that had participated in allowing this healing energy to spread throughout the area – in allowing and supporting this joint effort. I literally knew that each cell had united together in a group effort, each doing its part.

To test my theory, I asked all of the cells to cheer and applaud together, in celebration of what they had just done. I simply giggled as I immediately felt waves of peaceful, high level vibrating energy roll around in my abdomen with every request to cheer some more.

As I thought that I was totally done, I was quite surprised to feel some more energy twinges right at the top of my solar plexus, attempting to move up the front of my rib cage.

“What the heck,” I told myself, “let’s go for it.” After about 30 seconds of focused concentration, I was quite surprised by what happened next.

Many times in my life, I have felt sick to my stomach during various science fiction movies when the villains put some kind of living creature inside the body of their victim. Invariably, the creature begins to crawl around inside the body, pushing its way along, right under the surface of the skin.

What I sensed just under the skin of my chest felt exactly like something crawling around inside of me – only the sensation was very peaceful and pleasant. Throughout the whole experience, I was blessed with a strong intuitive reassurance that this was some type of cleansing energy that was opening up energy channels – a type of roto-rooter so to say. The energy began its journey from the top of my solar plexus, at the very bottom of my front rib cage. It slowly and methodically inched its way up the front of my chest in what felt like a two or three inch wide swath. The energy continued right up the middle until it reached a point about an inch or two higher than my heart, where it seemed to stop – as if it had gotten stuck.

After a few minutes of being stuck, I realized that my metal necklace medallion was right on top of where the energy was situated. Instinctively, I removed the medallion and quite soon I felt the energy resume its upward journey, right up into my neck, where it again stopped right at the edge of my jaw line. As it stopped, the thick energy envelope was wrapped around my entire neck.

The feeling was quite amazing – as if I was wearing a warm cushioned turtle-necked sweater that was hugging my entire neck. Using my will power and imagination, I mentally coaxed and prodded the energy, sending it imagined love, trying to get it to continue up into my head. But the energy seemed completely stuck right at the base of my skull – not budging at all – not even another millimeter.

After a while, my intuition told me to return my focus to my shoulders and hips. As I did so, I began to feel some mild energy work going on deep inside each of those joints. I did not get very far in this latter process, as my body told me it was time to head off for a lunch of delicious vegetarian burritos.

The previous three hours of intense mental and breathing focus left me feeling both exhausted and exhilarated. In many ways, what I did reminded me exactly of the work that I had done with Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) just last Friday – work where I had connected with a part of myself in a parallel dimension and had helped to offload some of its pain. Only this time, today, I was connecting with the thousands of such beings (cells) in my abdomen, doing the exact same thing. I actually came away from the experience feeling as if each cell was indeed a separate (but united) conscious entity, willingly participating in the process. In many ways, I believe that this is exactly what they are.

*  *  *  *  *

When I returned from lunch, I only had a little over an hour remaining before evening meditation. I decided to continue meditating, but taking a different focus. I again reclined flat on my back, but this time I tried to get myself into a deeply relaxed state in which I might be able to dream, or perhaps even Astral travel. I never reached any of those states, remaining fully conscious throughout the process – but I did have a great relaxing meditation just the same.

Now that I have caught up on my writing, I think I will go to bed (8:15) and see what else my higher self can teach me to do. I am tired, but very eager to find out.

Sunday, August 29 – 6:00 a.m.

Yesterday (Saturday) was a less-than-spectacular ho-hum day. From start to finish, I went through all the “proper” motions, doing what my heart told me to do, but I never quite seemed to connect with the rich energy that I so long to have as an integral full-time part of my life.

To add insult to injury, I have had no noteworthy dreams for quite some time – still not connecting with the Astral realms in any memorable way, shape, or form. I am not even remembering basic dreams. Chaty continues to emphasize the importance of developing our dream skills, and I recognize that around the full moon is a prime time to do so – but I continue to come up empty.

Each time that I begin to feel as if I am a failure, I remind myself of all the incredible guiding dreams with which I have indeed been blessed – and I gently reassure myself that every one of those dreams happened at exactly the perfect times. I have never had control of my dreams – but even so, they always have ideal timing, happening exactly when they need to.

“Things always happen exactly as they are supposed to happen – but only 100% of the time.” I repeatedly reassured myself.

I still love to repeat my favorite bathroom-door poetry – the one that begins like this: “Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.” Invariably, this simple phrase grounds me in reality – filling me with the deep peace and trust of present-moment focus – reminding me to not worry about anything other than my reaction to this very present moment – a moment that is indeed perfect.

Magic Pills

As I lay in bed quite early this morning, I was reminded of an email I received last Thursday from a very dear friend. I wish I had a copy of her email with me, but I have not been on the internet since my last blog posting on Thursday, and I will have to wing it from memory.

I will not identify my beautiful friend by name or location. She knows exactly who she is. For all practical purposes, she is me – and she is you. She could easily be each and every one of us. My response to her email is indeed for all of us.

In her beautiful email, my dear friend expressed deep internal frustration and confusion as she allowed herself to freely vent her emotions. She mentioned that she had not written to me sooner because she wanted to honor my silence, but for some reason she wanted to communicate her internal unrest now. She acknowledged that she did not know if she would receive a response – even though she would be secretly hoping for one.

My initial thought was to say “No, I cannot respond to her. I am in silence. She will understand.”

That very evening, deeply desiring to send love to my friend, I connected with her energetically. I engaged in a loving exchange of energy, sending pure love in her direction. I have no idea if she felt that connection; I would love to find out. Whether she felt it or not, for me it was real, and the love and comfort were indeed sent.

In her beautiful letter, my dear friend expressed anger, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, and thoughts of being trapped in an ordinary world, facing ordinary challenges, while I am off having an amazing life-changing adventure. I did not feel as if my friend’s anger was directed at me. On the contrary, I felt as if her anger was directed at herself, as if to say that she was a failure for not doing more exotic things in her own life – wishing she had the freedom to so something like I am doing.

As I rested in bed early this morning, trying to go back to sleep, my mind became more and more active as I realized that I would indeed be replying to my dear friend’s email – but not through normal channels.

Instead, I would be replying via my journal – via my blog. As I began to formulate words in my mind, a little urge just kicked me out of bed, telling me that “rather than think about what you want to write, just get up and write.”

So here I am.

*  *  *  *  *

For many years before I began my own “exotic” spiritual journey, I too felt trapped, and extremely frustrated. I was working as a computer software engineer in a career that increasingly felt like a “life sentence to left-brained Hell”. I felt as if my employer was a Federal Penitentiary, complete with high walls and razor wire – and I longed to be free of the perceived chains of this unwanted prison cell.

But a nagging little feeling inside kept reassuring me, telling me: “Not yet … trust me … be patient … stay where you are … you need to be here a little longer … you still have lessons to learn before you can move on.”

I hated going to work every day. I longed to be free to follow my heart in a new direction, but I blindly trusted the quiet inner voice telling me to stay where I was. That period of my life was very challenging, but through it all I passed through the heart of many incredible growth opportunities – learning to find love and peace in a situation that I was mentally rejecting. In fact, it was only after I fully immersed myself into that padded prison cell, doing so with love and surrender, that I was blessed with a layoff that included an incredible severance package – one which launched me forward – eventually permitting my present amazing journey.

*  *  *  *  *

As I sit here typing, early in the morning in San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala, it may appear that I am living in some luxurious, exotic spiritual resort – surrounded on all sides by exciting and amazing things. In reality, I am sitting on a four-legged wooden chair, in front of a small unpainted four-legged wooden table in a cold, dimly lit, moldy room. The room is cramped, with straw mats for a floor, and I share it with lots of creepy-crawlies who also call this room their own home.

My surroundings are anything but luxurious or peaceful. Even as I write, a loudspeaker, perhaps a half mile away (but sounding as if it were next door), is blaring out services from a local church (yes, at 6:45 in the morning). The surroundings here can, at times, be quite noisy. But it is not just the churches trying to spread their message of enlightenment that brings in the noise. In the evenings, especially on weekends, the noise from local night spots can be quite penetrating.

Then there are the bottle rockets. You know the kind – the ones during a firework show that shoot up into the sky and then simply explode in a tiny white ball, giving off a loud and penetrating booming bomb-like sound.

The locals in Guatemala seem to have an affinity for using such bottle rockets for celebrating – and they love to celebrate at the craziest of times. Several of these booming bottle rockets were launched off by someone just this morning at around 5:00 a.m.. I hardly even hear the noises anymore. I have learned to simply acknowledge them and to accept them as “what is”. In fact, all this noise has greatly helped me to learn temperance – at least in the area where my ear drums are involved.

And of course, how could I forget the parasites. They are everywhere – in the water, on the vegetables, o the fruits, and even on the wet dishes. I am happy to report that I finally took my follow-up parasite test yesterday. I picked up the results just last night and, “Yippee, I am parasite free (at least for now LOL)”.

And then there are the sanitary conditions. The paths around town are mostly dirt, quite frequently mud. Great numbers of dogs roam freely throughout the town, casually strolling and lounging pretty much anywhere they like – including inside most restaurants. They can be so puppy-dog cute as they sit there staring at you with loving eyes, silently begging for food – but they are also quite dirty. Most are quite well fed, so when they wander by, I just send them a loving smile, making eye contact, and telling them energetically, “Sorry, no food today.”

These large dogs, many of them being quite beautiful, also leave their mark in the area of bodily waste. It is not uncommon to have to walk around chunks of dog poop as I walk from here to there. In fact, I quickly learned to never walk along without constantly looking down at the ground in front of me.

Then, when the frequent rains come, we have no village drainage system. Everything drains above ground. Large runoff streams form throughout the pathways all over town. I quickly learned to never wear shoes on a cloudy day – only flip flops. When it rains (which is very often), it is impossible to walk around without getting my feet drenched. And then, with every step in the streams or puddles, I always wonder how much of that flowing water might be saturated with dissolving dog poop.

Even right here in the pyramids, I often have to walk through a little stream of runoff water just to get to my outdoor bathroom at night during a thunderstorm. This stream is frequently several inches deep.

Oh, and did I mention that we don’t have a toilet seat, and that all of the smelly toilet paper needs to be lovingly placed in a basket beside the commode?

No, this is no luxury resort by any worldly standards … but I love it just the same.

*  *  *  *  *

But my intent here is not to write about rustic living conditions. My intent is merely to point out that “Wherever you are, there you are.” Yes, I love living in these rustic conditions, interacting with different cultures. But NO, living here does not make me any different, nor does it give me any special spiritual-growth advantage over someone living in a beautiful home in the suburbs of some clean, quiet, and comfortable neighborhood with green lawns back home.

My real growth does not come from being in unusual surroundings. Instead, my real growth comes from constantly questioning my internal beliefs about those surroundings, whatever or wherever they may be. With what I now know, I believe that I could experience the same growth while living literally anywhere in the world. The growth is not at all about an external journey; it is fully 100% an internal journey.

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

Daily life happens around us wherever we are. Our growth is a result of learning to love whatever happens, whatever it may be, and to find peace with these daily life lessons – whether they take place in San Marcos La Laguna, Guatemala, or in Rapid City, South Dakota – whether they take place in a three month spiritual retreat, or in a chaotic office building in Manhattan.

Our spiritual growth does not in any way shape or form depend on our surroundings. Our truly valuable growth is an inside job, and takes place anywhere and everywhere – wherever we find ourselves. The important thing is not our physical location, but our state of mind – how we approach each moment.

Do we face each moment with love or with fear? Do we face it with judgment or peaceful acceptance?

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

Yes, I am here at an exotic-sounding three month spiritual retreat in Guatemala, participating in forty days of silence. It sounds so exciting – so spiritual – so wonderful. Yes, I am having incredible experiences and am going though powerful intuitive growth – but the experiences are fleeting, and the growth ever so teasing. One day I have an incredible experience with the Chocolate Shaman, and the next I am wondering who yanked the carpet out from under me, trying to figure out how to once again reconnect with Spirit.

Every experience teaches me something amazing about myself, but as the next moment arrives, that old lesson no longer applies. I have a new present moment to face, a new treasure hunt in which to engage; and new resources must be mustered to face the new search.

In the midst of all the experiences about which I continue to write, I am finding that my real growth comes from facing my own internal personality issues. Yes, “Las Piramides Del Ka” gives me a serene backdrop and a beautiful temple in which to face these issues, but I now realize that if I were to discipline myself, I could face these personality issues anywhere in the world.

The same goes with the energy experiences. I have most of these growth experiences in the privacy of my own room – a room that could be anywhere in the Universe.

No, my current location does not give me any special advantage in the area of personal growth. It is my commitment to that growth that gives me the results – and that commitment can be made while living in Central America, or while living in downtown Seattle, Washington.

But what strikes me most powerfully is that each and every morning I must get up, run to the bathroom, put on my jeans (one leg at a time), brush my teeth, eat food, interact with others, and observe my reactions to situations. It is the latter that is the key – observing my own reactions to situations. That is where my real growth occurs. If I feel judgment, I no longer blame others for my experience. Instead, I look inside myself to discover what un-owned or unhealed personality trait is causing me to project my anger/ pain/ judgment/ fear/ etc, outward. If I feel love, I simply bask in the experience, inhaling more of that amazing energy.

“Whatever occurs, whatever it may be, that itself is the key.”

No matter how exotic my experiences may sound in writing (and yes they have been powerful and amazing), these experiences are not some magical events turning me into a Superman. Yes, I would like to feel as if I am somehow elevating my consciousness to a higher level, but invariably, every single morning, I wake up feeling feel quite human, quite vulnerable, and quite puzzled about why I seem to have to start all over again.

There is no magic pill which somehow transforms me into a Superhero.

Or is there?

What is amazing, however, is that each experience does build on the other. As I stare in a mirror (I do occasionally get to see a mirror), I am gradually developing a deeper and more profound love – not just for what I see staring back at me, but for the entire world, including everyone and everything around me.

I am learning to recognize that, hidden under my skin, and under the skin of everyone around me, is indeed a full-fledged – but secret and well-hidden – Superman suit. Yes, we are all Superheroes. It is in our birthright. It is in our genes. We are all divine, and we all have access to discover and to develop the divine powers, intuitions, and energy gifts that we each inherit from our not-of-this-world heritage.

Each time that we begin to feel merely-normal, trapped by life, discouraged, depressed, angry, jealous, inadequate, or heavily burdened, there actually is a magic pill that we can take.

The “magic pill” is to focus on remembering who we really are.

The amazing thing is that we can access this memory from anywhere in the universe. It can be accessed while participating in a three-month retreat in Guatemala, or it can be accessed while searching for a job in Phoenix, Arizona.

In order to swallow this “magic pill” we simply need to go inside, to meditate, to quiet our minds of all the unnecessary chatter, and to connect with our higher self. The very moment that we reconnect with our higher awareness, we discover a beautiful and amazing divinity – a divinity that lives inside each one of us – a divinity that energizes a magical Superman suit that is built right into our skin – a divinity that IS us.

This Super-Human Divinity is our birthright; it is our heritage; it is our very being.

*  *  *  *  *

There is an amazing worldwide shift in consciousness taking place all around us. Even more incredible is that this shift is gaining powerful momentum from within our younger ranks – from the Indigo and Crystal Children who have been born in the last 25 years or so. One huge blessing from my travels is in having frequently connected with many members of an unbelievable class of young people (but very old and wise spirits) from all corners of the world – powerful souls who will help to usher in this planetary shift in consciousness in which we are all presently engaged – one which cannot and will not fail.

Each one of us can and will be a part of this energetic awakening, no matter where on the planet we live, no matter what we do for a living. It matters not whether we are a suburban mother with young dependent children, or if we are the CEO of a prestigious worldwide company. The important thing is to “know thyself” – to focus on the daily moment-by-moment details that we experience inside of our own individual experience.

We can each swallow that amazing “Superman” pill – each and every day – by simply reconnecting with the divinity that is all around us, that is indeed us. And yes, we need to ingest that magic pill quite frequently, because everyday life has a way of quickly hypnotizing us into forgetting our secret identity.

Did I say yet that it is all an inside job?

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 22 – 7:00 p.m.

My dreams last night were uneventful, but I have had some great insights today – insights achieved through my own casual form of intuitive meditation. For some reason, I still struggle somewhat with the more structured forms of meditation. Today’s insights are not something that I can really write about – I’m not sure I could find the words to convey the personal experiences – experiences where I was taken much deeper into understanding the nature and creation of the manifested universe. I’m still processing most of what I feel, not even sure what exactly that is. The only thing I know is that I am feeling very energized by the insights that are coming to me, and feel quite anxious to pursue them more in depth.

On a physical note, I woke up this morning with an extremely sore right shoulder. A muscle on the outside edge of the shoulder sends a shooting pain when I lift my arm up over my head in certain positions. I just have to laugh, because I stayed in my room today, for 95% of my time. I only left for restroom breaks, 2 juice breaks, and 1 soup break, and one quick trip into town to buy water. Perhaps if my shoulder had felt better, I would have been more active and would have missed out on my more relaxed state of simply being with myself.

I broke a few more rules today. We are not supposed to read much, if at all, during our 40 days. After my beautiful insights this morning, I was feeling very drawn to glance through a book called “The Qabalistic Tarot” by Robert Wang. I had skimmed through it briefly before, but nothing inside seemed to speak to me, in any way, shape or form.

Today, as I picked it up to read a few paragraphs, I could not put it down, and ended up devouring almost 90 pages. Everything I read was filling me with additional flashes of insight and comprehension. It is amazing what a little intuitive clarification can do to my understanding and interest levels.

It is now 7:15 p.m. on Sunday night. Yes, it is very early, but I am tired, my shoulder hurts as I type, and I feel a strong desire to simply go to bed – perhaps to meditate – perhaps to enter the dream world. We will see where the experiences take me. I am simply along for the ride. I gave up control long ago, and I love being in the passenger seat.

Monday, August 23 – 8:35 a.m.

I just got back from yoga – the first time I went sense Thursday morning. I can really tell the difference after having not stretched in three days. This only makes me more committed to a more consistent and regular yoga program.

I figured out why my right arm is hurting so badly. On Saturday, responding to an internal prompting, I spent at least two hours, possibly more (didn’t look at my watch), doing an aura cleanse on my little pyramid bedroom. First I exposed every square inch of the room with Copal Incense, slowly weaving my way around the entire room, from floor to ceiling, mostly using my right arm to hold the incense outstretched in front of me. Then I repeated the process, holding a heavy candle (8 oz glass filled with wax), also with my right arm. At the time I finished, my right arm was a tiny bit tired, but not especially stressed. But during the night, it apparently froze up from the extra use – thus the reason why I awoke on Sunday with such a painful shoulder. It is also very painful this morning, but I’m going to keep stretching it out, and plow right through the pain – again using it to remind me to ask myself if I am in a dream or in the physical world.

I also remembered a few things that I wanted to mention as to the source of my insights on Sunday morning. I spent considerable time on Saturday studying up and organizing my notes on the Hebrew alphabet. All of the names of the sephiroth (spheres) in the Tree of Life have Hebrew names, and as it turns out, I discovered that the letters with which the names are spelled are quite significant. Unlike our western alphabet, each Hebrew letter has a meaning in and of itself. I discovered some very interesting patterns as I did my “spiritual spinning” analysis – combining spiritual meditation with intellectual prowess.

Another source of my amazing “spinning” (I don’t know what else to call it) yesterday was a beautiful poem written by my dear friend Sandra here in the Sun Course. I won’t share it here because I do not have her permission, but I must say that every word was beautiful and inspiring to me, causing deep spiritual insights to zing around in my soul.

In about ten minutes I get my morning juice. I am doing quite well in my fast. Yesterday I only cheated with one peanut butter sandwich. I still have considerable energy, but am weak enough to be closer to the spiritual energies as well. As soon as I sip each morsel of my juice, I think I might just take my straw mat up atop the nearby hill and enjoy a morning of meditating with an incredible view of Lake Atitlan. Ta-Ta for now.

Monday, August 23 – 7:00 p.m.

I spent two hours on the hill this morning; it was nice but not especially eventful. This afternoon, responding to an intuition, I opened up volume 1 of my sacred geometry book – the one that I picked up a few days before silence began, all as a result of a dream that I had. Today I only intended to skim around for a few minutes to see if anything might inspire me for meditation. Instead I ended up devouring almost 60 pages over several hours, in what turned out to be more like meditation than reading. I know we are not supposed to read during our 40 days, but I have to follow my intuition, and I am so grateful that I did. That reading was more powerful for me than any meditation could have been.

Last night, after going to bed so early, I lay in bed for a few hours practicing moving and stimulating energy movements in my body. It was another wonderful experience as I learned to observe how the energy responded to my breath, and I was able to feel some incredible energy opening up in my upper shoulders and chest.

One thing of note is that for several weeks now I have noticed what felt like a pressure in and around my nose whenever I reached a state of deep energy meditation. Last night my intuition told me that this was blocked energy that needed to be moved, but the channel which it needed to follow is blocked. For anyone that knows me, my nose has been a source of self-hatred and struggle throughout much of my life. Intuition now tells me that this “lack of love” caused my energy channels to block up in this area. For the last hour of my meditation last night, before falling asleep, I focused intense effort on pushing that blocked energy (with my will) up toward my third eye chakra. For a while, I actually felt it stop right at the top bridge of my nose. Finally, I felt the energy dissipate.

I feel as if there is still some blockage in this area, so tonight I am going to bed early again so that I can experiment with taking this experience even further. I love how I am beginning to trust my intuition at whole new levels. The “old me” would have been so doubtful about what I am doing, but I have so many confirming experiences and feelings that I no longer doubt any of it. I just want to explore it further to see what else I can do.

It is only 7:15 p.m., and I am going to bed … yippee.

Tuesday, August 24 – 11:00 a.m.

I had three dreams last night. The first was right around 11:30 p.m.. In that dream, I was Superman, working out of a tall office building in an unknown city. I pretended to work at a driving school (my secret front).

In the first part of the dream, I was racing around to avoid being captured by a woman that seemed to be Lois Lane. She had some type of special flying technology attached to her body (not sure if it was her arms, legs, or both), and she was in hot pursuit of me – almost catching me. My memory is quite vague on this – sketchy – filled with random memories but no clear sequence of events. Once I finally escaped by somehow destroying Lois’s special technology, I returned to my humble office in the downtown building where my driving school was located.

Back in street clothes, pretending to be a custodian, I first started to walk out into the hallway of the building to lock the door and to leave – but a sense of intuition told me to go back in and check the outside balcony door. As I did so, I discovered it to be unlocked and a cunning man was on the balcony, insisting that he was there for driving school, but I new he was there in search of me. I told him the school was closed and he needed to leave, but he wouldn’t believe me, and would not leave.

Without resolving that situation, I soon found myself being a “fly on the wall” observing a conversation of three youths in what felt like a subway tunnel. They were plotting and contriving how they were going to infiltrate my driving school to discover my true identity.

At this point in the dream I awoke. I was so tired that I almost just blew it off, refusing to get up to write the dream down. Something inside forced me to get up anyway and to write the details that I was able to still remember.

*  *  *  *  *

The second dream happened around 5:00 a.m.. In this dream, I was with a group of four or five boys. I have no idea what my own gender was in the dream. That thought never even crossed my mind – yet I felt as if I were one of the group of boys.

We had heard of a special hot spring and really wanted to go visit it. It was night time, and we had obstacles to overcome on our quest. We walked up to a rock wall with many protruding rocks. Feeling eager, I began to climb first, anxious to reach my destination – but one of the boys scooted ahead of me taking a path slightly to my right. I decided to follow him for the rest of the way up the wall.

To my surprise, the wall seemed to be steeper than it had looked from below, and many of the rocks were loose and slipping under the weight of my hands and feet, falling to the ground below. I persisted without fear, yet being very much aware of the dangers and being quite cautious. As I reached the top, I found myself on what was the roof of a suburb-type home – a home with a long peak parallel to the front of the home, with shingled rooftop sloping off to the front and back. I finished scaling the back of the roof and ran down the front shingles. While doing so, I had the distinct feeling that I definitely should not be here. Suddenly, the front half of the roof turned out to be made of trampoline-like fabric. As I stepped, the roof sagged under my weight and then bounced back as I stepped forward.

The next thing I know, I am on the ground in front of the home, realizing that I have been quite noisy. I run away so as to avoid detection by the home’s residents. As I glance backward over my shoulder, I notice many of the home’s interior lights begin to turn on, and I run even faster, just knowing that they must for sure be calling the Police.

I ran through a large open field. It was a long distance run, with trees and structures of some type shielding my view from the home now far behind me. I realize that the first boy is still in front of me, but I lose track completely of the other two or three boys who had been scaling the wall behind me.

In a minute or so I reach a large fenced-off area, realizing that the boy ahead of me is already there, standing outside the fence. It is a tall chain link fence constructed with black metal – and it is perhaps eight to ten feet high, topped with what “felt like” razor wire. I don’t remember seeing the razor wire for sure, but I definitely felt its presence. The pool inside the fence was surrounded on all sides by about 40 feet of concrete patio. The pool itself seemed to be quite large, rectangular in shape, perhaps as large as an Olympic-size swimming pool. Around the edges of the rectangular shaped pool was a two-foot white cushion-like, rounded-on-top, border. This strange border ran all the way around the perimeter of the pool. Every few feet, a black stripe crossed over the cushion-like mounds, running from the pool outward.

I wanted to go inside, but feared detection – it was night and I felt as if I should not be here. The next thing I know, I am on the inside of the fence, and I momentarily run up to the edge of the water to get a closer look at this interesting hot-spring pool. I had been expecting to find a pool out in nature – not a fenced-off rectangular swimming pool.

Moments later, I run away, finding myself outside, running to the right, 90 degrees from the direction in which I had arrived. It seemed as if I had arrived at the near left corner, with the length of the pool extending to my right, and the width of the rectangular pool being straight ahead. As I ran away, I was on the far side of the pool, running to my right down the length, and then continuing a great distance away from the pool.

I ran because I just knew that the Police, or perhaps other authorities, were going to come and catch me in a place where I should not be.

The next thing I remember, after running some distance away, is that I find a tall structure and begin to climb it. Soon I notice that the structure is constructed with what appears to be small boxes of candy – each box being about eight inches wide, twelve inches long, and a few inches high. As I take one box out to examine it, thinking “Oh, this looks good, I think I’ll keep it”, some other children come running from the shadows and begin talking to me. They call out to me, telling me that it is OK to take the candy – just to be sure to select a box that doesn’t have holes chewed into it (implying that some type of bug or animal has burrowed inside to eat the contents).

I immediately look at the box in my hand, notice that it has a one-half-inch hole chewed in the lower corner, and I think “eeewww” as I put it back. I climb down from the structure and promptly wake up from my dream.

*  *  *  *  *

My third dream was quite brief (the part I remember), and ended with a few moments of lucidity. I remember next to nothing except the very end.

I was in a very familiar situation, finding myself reading what seemed like a book for a young person – not for a child, but definitely not at the adult level either. I am reading out loud in my mind – with no feeling of my lips moving, yet actually hearing my voice. Suddenly I become lucid. I am very intrigued that this book seems real, containing real and profound words of wisdom.

I remember reading many such books in dreams before – always waking up realizing that I was reading something quite powerful and true – but never remembering anything. When I had previously asked Chaty about such dreams, she had told me that I was reading some of the Akashic records – and that what I had read was now a part of me, whether I remembered it or not.

At this moment, as I excitedly pondered what was taking place in the now-lucid dream, the next phrase that I read was “Meditate on the Water.”

Excitement at being lucid caused me to act quickly, not wanting to miss anything. In my excitement, I looked at the whole page, trying to read more, to remember more. I noticed that the top third of the page was some type of illustrative drawing, with a few children in it – but as I struggled to maintain concentration – to stay in the dream – the dream disappeared to blackness and I found myself lying in my bed, with the phrase “Meditate on the water” very strongly imprinted on my mind.

As I lay there thinking about it, intuition told me that this message was referring to my previous dream of searching for the Hot Springs, then running away.

*  *  *  *  *

After morning yoga followed by a quick pineapple and banana smoothie, I immersed myself into thought and meditation about my second and third dreams. As I came to analyze each part, I felt quite amazed at how my intuitions made everything so clear without me having to search for deeper meaning. Following are my meditation insights:

1. The hot springs were beautiful, smooth, and calm – like glass. They represented a smooth, pure, relaxed emotional state – one that I still desired to fully achieve.

2. Water is a symbol, not only of emotion, but also of the Astral realms – a place that for me has been very inviting – calling to me – yet being very elusive. I get frequent glimpses of other-worldly wonders and then the walls appear, telling me that I have growth to pass through before I can proceed.

3. I approached the whole experience in this dream at night time, under cover of darkness, feeling somewhat as if what I was doing was forbidden, perhaps wrong, maybe even against the law – and that I would be captured and punished if I pursued getting to that hot spring.

4. First, I had to climb a precipitous rock wall, with rocks falling under my weight. I had no fear whatsoever, yet recognized that what I was doing was dangerous. As I compare this to the Astral realms, I feel that I have no fear about visiting those realms – but realize very clearly that there are obstacles and dangers involved. The Astral realm is not heaven as we might perceive it. It is indeed the next dimension above our physical world, vibrating at a higher energetic level, but very much not heaven. All sorts of beings reside in the lower dimensions of the Astral realms. Some are loving and filled with light – others are not. It is a place where souls go between physical lifetimes – and all souls there are in a state of awareness quite like where their level of development was when they were in a physical body. Many are quite lost and asleep.

The Astral realm is a place from which all physical manifestation comes forth. The beliefs – both collective beliefs of mankind and of individuals – begin to take form in the Astral realm before they reach physical manifestation.

Yes, there are deceptions in the Astral world. One can be deceived by “beings who are not awake” – who might believe they know truth, but who do not. This is the source of the confusing religious beliefs of our physical world – whatever we believe with all of our heart and emotion can be proven and validated in the lower Astral realms.

So yes, the water (hot springs in my dream) has its obstacles, but it also has huge blessings for those who swim in it with careful awareness that Astral is still part of the illusionary realms.

But there are higher realms than the lower Astral ones – also reachable in dreams and Astral travel – in those realms, the beings are increasingly in more enlightened states. At the higher realms, we can receive incredible spiritual guidance from those who have gone on before us.

How do I know all of this? Much of it comes from what Chaty has taught regarding her own personal experiences in the Astral realms – much comes from my reading – but literally ALL of it comes from strong internal intuition and energetic guidance telling me that these things are true.

5. As I reached the top of the wall and found myself on a trampoline-like roof, I switched from mere awareness of dangers while having no fear, into a mode of feeling a strong fear that I would be caught, discovered, and arrested.

As I meditate on real life, I realize that perhaps one reason that Astral travel and lucid dreams are still evading me is that I feel hidden conflict with my childhood teachings and my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs. In both cases, there are people in my life (perhaps including me) who might judge or condemn my efforts to reach the beautiful hot springs of calm waters. I fear that I might get caught-up in that judgment – getting put in jail by that judgment. There is no doubt that a full immersion into the lucid world of Astral will literally change my life and perceptions of reality as I know it.

Perhaps I still need to honor my March dream that told me to “Forget everything I know” and to “Lower my defenses.”

Do I still worry about what others may think? Do I worry about how this might shake up my own internal belief systems?

Yes, at some level, I believe I do.

As I ponder about this, I am reminded of my list of disowned personality traits. I have processed many of them, but one name that still sits very conspicuously unprocessed is a trait that I named “Spiritual Doreen” – a huge fear that I have not yet embraced.

A few years ago, I went with several friends to a large multi-day spiritual convention in Las Vegas. A well-known woman named Doreen Virtue was one of the main speakers on the final day, and I was totally turned-off by her flamboyant and extravagant presentation. I have to admit that I have felt considerable judgment about her ever since. I judged her as being extremely flighty, both in the way she dressed and in the way she talked about angels and archangels – things that I did not believe in at the time. I now recognize and embrace them as belief-created symbols of actual spiritual energies. While such beings are still part of the illusion, they are very much a part of our perceived physical reality.

I need to apologize to Doreen Virtue. One of my biggest fears as I have pursued my own spiritual path has been that I would become like her, or at least that others may perceive me as being like her. This fear surfaced quite strongly when I began to study here at Las Piramides in Guatemala, as I began to study and embrace many of the things that had turned me off about her. I am sure that if I actually got to know Doreen, I would absolutely love and adore her – and even as I write about her, I am dropping my resistance and judgment, beginning to feel that love.

Much of my present path has been drawing me closer and closer to Doreen’s world – and I am loving it. But my fears of “becoming a public display of such flamboyance” continue to create great internal resistance in me. I recognize that now, perhaps this afternoon, is the time for me to take my un-owned personality trait of “Spiritual Doreen” out for a meditative walk – to make my peace with her.

6. As I finally arrived at the pool, I found it heavily fenced with black chain links. I again butted up against my beliefs that “This is forbidden. I should not be here. I am not allowed here.”

Then, for a moment, I found myself inside the fence, getting a quick look, only to be back outside again – kind of the story of my last several months of riding the waves – riding the incredible highs and glimpses, as the waves crested, only to recede to the absence of those wonderful highs.

As I raced away in my dream – out of fear of being found out – I again affirmed my hesitancy to fully embrace these hidden waters of the Astral world.

7. I find it quite interesting that after I ran away from an experience in deeper understanding, I ended up at a tower built from candy – one filled with decaying holes of whatever creature might chew its way inside.

This to me seems like taking refuge in the sweet tower of this illusionary world of birth and death, where worldly desires and possessions are sugar coated, but where nothing physical is lasting or permanent. Everything here always decays and dies, taking us right back to the Astral world. Yes, the Astral world is illusion too, but it is one step close to the divine oneness reality that is us. Astral experiences can be used to connect with higher truths that will help us in the awakening process.

8. As I meditate further on this dream about the waters, I am ever more determined to tear down the decaying sweet towers of false earthly beliefs in my own life – and to tear down the final fences and obstacles that keep me from fully immersing myself into my present journey.

I fully realize and believe that I am on the edge of a dimensional shift in understanding – but I still only get glimpses of what is inside the fence before returning to the outside of that restrictive chain-link wall. I am determined to get back inside and to swim in that warm pool of soothing growth and insights.

*  *  *  *  *

As far as my Superman dream, I have not yet given it much thought, but at first glance it seems to be quite obvious, and even related to the other dreams. In the Superman dream, I was being pursued by cunning and creative people who were trying to find out, to discover, and to reveal my secret identity as a Super-Being. I was doing everything I could to keep that identity concealed and secret from the world.

In reality, I believe that we are all Supermen. We are all divine beings hidden by the disguise of an ordinary physical body, having forgotten the incredible powers that we all have. Perhaps it is time for me to fully embrace those powers, to quit concealing them, and to expose them, first to myself, and then to the world.

*  *  *  *  *

I did take “Spiritual Doreen” out for a meditative walk this afternoon, and she and I had a great understanding. I realized that I am already very much like her – I simply don’t dress in her flamboyant colorful chiffon dresses with long flowing trains. Doreen teaches me to be my true self without worrying about what others might think about me. Becoming like her has been one of my main goals during my last year of travels – learning to have the courage to speak my truth, to proudly be who I am in all aspects.

Thank you Doreen! Thank you for teaching me to be unique and confident.

Thursday, August 26 – 6:30 a.m.

Yippee, my shoulder pain is completely gone – kaput, finito – and through it all, I kept my peace and never suffered.

*  *  *  *  *

Tuesday evening, was my third full moon ceremony of the Sun Course. The first happened on day five. The ceremony was beautiful, filled with chanting “Aum” while Chaty and others gave me and the other Sun Course members “spiritual initiations” for Tarot and for Shaluha Ka.

I never got to know anyone in the first Moon Course – we were all in silence together for five days and then they left. I grew to love many of the second Moon Course, and will be happy to see a few of them return in September. Just like the first, I barely got to know the third Moon Course. When they began, I was nearing my silence, and I was buried in my studies. But I grew tremendously from that third Sun Course. It was many of them that became my “personality mirrors”, showing me parts about myself that I still did not love and embrace. For that, I thank them with gratitude from the bottom of my heart.

I cannot believe that I only have four weeks left before it is all over. It seems like I just barely began, and I want it to go on for longer – perhaps forever.

*  *  *  *  *

Wednesday just kind of disappeared. During morning meditation, I began to finally get the swing of the breathing techniques. I felt as if I might finally be close to activating my pineal gland in the center of the brain – and then our meditation was over.

I had great intentions to practice monitoring my breathing throughout the day, but as soon as breakfast was over, I followed another prompting to resume reading a little bit in my Sacred Geometry book. To make a long story short, I ended up reading yesterday for more than eight hours. Every single minute of the reading was like meditation, sending energy and insight throughout my body. I could not put the book down. I had to literally force myself to stop for a lunch break and then to run out to pick up my laundry. Then I resumed again till almost 9:00 p.m. last night, when I finally finished reading Volume 1.

I had to laugh when I was picking up my laundry. When I got there, there was no one around, and I needed my clothes. I peaked in the dryer and found that my clothes were all done – just not folded and put back into my plastic bag. So I proceeded to do it myself, knowing that I had already paid and that there would not be a problem.

As I was half done folding my laundry, a young couple came to pick up their own laundry and began to ask me questions as if I were an employee there. I felt so silly as I tried to use hand signals to indicate that I am in silence, and that I don’t work here – I am just folding my own clothes so I can take them home. I don’t quite know what the couple thought. I had no pen or paper on which to write a note – and neither did the couple. I just giggled as I walked back to my room to resume reading.

I had every intention of meditating for several hours last night, but my body had different thoughts about the matter. I first came down with intense intestinal cramping and fowl-smelling and embarrassing gas … and then my internal world sort of washed away from there. My gurgling intestines would not let me get much rest as I repeatedly ran to and from the outdoor restroom till nearly midnight. This morning, I am considerably better, but quite weak. I still plan on going to yoga though. Today is the first yoga class of the new Moon Course, and I love learning and practicing the basic breathing techniques that will be taught today. Perhaps I will get them right this time.

I’m happy, excited, and eager to take on a new day – and am wondering what the treasure of last nights outdoor races in the mud will be. Yes, I know a treasure will surface – one always does.

11:00 a.m.

During 8:30 a.m. meditation, I again practiced my breathing techniques, not only trying to use structure and intellect to do it right, but also involving a deep loving and joyful feeling, all the while, sending as much of the breath energy as possible into the middle of my head, behind the third eye – where the pineal gland resides. I felt as if I were closer to a great experience, and felt considerable Kundalini energy trying to emerge – but I never quite got there.

As I sat there in meditation, I completely ignored my right hip which was screaming at me, begging for relief. I just smiled and focused on the difference between pain and suffering, all the while acknowledging to the muscles that I had heard their cry, but I was not going to let them make me suffer. I smiled joyfully through it all – but was quite pleased when Chaty finally rang a tiny bell indicating that our 30 minutes was over.

As I meditated through the pain, simply ignoring it, I realized that this is also what I did last night with my intestinal problems (which are much better now). I acknowledged the intestinal discomfort, but through it all (no pun intended) I never once allowed myself to suffer or to be upset in the slightest about what was happening to my body. Yes, I found peace through the whole experience, recognizing that whatever happens is what I need in order to learn temperance, to learn to love in all circumstances.

As I grabbed a quick breakfast of granola and fruit this morning, I had fun watching worms, bees, and water puddles drying in the incredibly soothing warm sun. What a beautiful day. I am excited to go out (or stay in) and to be present.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Friday, August 20 – 7:00 p.m.

Yesterday was quite the bizarre day. After Yoga and a beautiful class discussion with Chaty, I gobbled down a bowl of oatmeal and followed a spur-of-the-moment prompting telling me that “Now is the time to go schedule a return appointment with Keith, my favorite Chocolate Shaman.” I was delighted to get a next morning (Today) appointment at 10:00 a.m..

After I returned back to my room, I discovered another couple of itchy spider bites on my body. Giving in to a feeling of frustration, I took a pill that a pharmacist in Panajachel sold to me as being an antihistamine (even though it was labeled as a sleep aide). I ran out of my Brand-name anti-histamines almost a month ago, and had recently visited a pharmacy to buy some more, just in case I might need them.

After swallowing the little white pill, I decided to read the packaging, expecting to find the word “antihistamine.” I was quite confused by the Spanish labeling, but nowhere did it say anything about allergies or itch-relief – simply a bunch of warning labels plus instructions to take before bedtime to help with sleep.

Immediately after washing the pill down with a swig of water, I began to sense slight numbness on my tongue where the pill had momentarily rested. “What did I just take?” I asked myself as I began to feel slight panic – wondering if I had taken some kind of strong anti-anxiety pill or strong sleeping pill. Thirty minutes later I ran off to the local internet café in search of answers.

To my relief, I discovered that the pill’s ingredient, Difenhidramine HCL, is indeed the exact same ingredient that is in Benadryl – but to my dismay, my research also told me that it definitely has strong sedative properties and can even cause temporary amnesia. Conspicuously absent on the pill’s packaging was any indication of its strength. I had no idea how much I had just taken. All I know is that I felt drowsy and had a nervous headache all afternoon.

I gave up on trying to study or meditate, and attempted to sleep, hoping to catch a dream or two, preferably one that might be lucid – but to my dismay, my brain was nervously “wired” to the point that I could not sleep, nor could I function in an awake state.

Last night was the opening ceremony for the current Moon Course’s final five days of silence and fasting. The ceremony was beautiful – but I really could not tell you much about it. I only remember that I could not focus on the meditation, and was quite anxious to go back to my room to simply crash – letting the effects of the strange pill just wear off with time.

I think I learned my lesson about taking poorly-labeled generic medications in foreign countries.

*  *  *  *  *

Early this morning (Friday), I awoke immediately after listening to myself give some wonderful advice to another person in my dream. I won’t fill in the details of the dream here, suffice it to say that the person I was talking to was in some type of athletic club, yet he was asking me about his retreat experience here at the pyramids. He was worried about his progress in the retreat, concerned that he wasn’t going to get much out of the experience.

Almost instantly, the wise words came flowing out of my mouth: “If you put your heart into it, you will have incredible growth. It may not necessarily be fun growth, but it will be exactly what you need.”

At that instant I awoke from my dream with the strong feeling that the advice I had spoken in the dream was really for me.

I pondered for more than an hour – even skipping yoga to give me more time. The dream was filled with great symbolism, my favorite symbol of which was a bicycle with the left handlebar bent down, and a large iron chain hanging from the seat down into the gears on the rear wheel. In the dream I quickly fixed the handlebar and removed the iron chain. I figured out that both the handlebar and the chain were related to the left-brain (left-handlebar and right side of lower body). I take this part of the dream as a confirmation that my intellect has been hampered as of late, and that choosing to remove the chains from the intellect, and to lift the left handlebar back into place was related to my “Intellectual Al” healing from a few days ago. I find it interesting that this symbolism was also related to a bicycle – one of my favorite “freedom to explore” symbols.

*  *  *  *  *

Since we are in a five day retreat with the Moon Course, I am also back on a very restricted diet for five days – morning juice, early afternoon runny soup, late afternoon juice, and my evening cheat of a small peanut butter and honey sandwich. With thirty days still to go in my own silence, I don’t want to get too weak before our final ten days.

After my morning juice, I was eagerly awaiting the time to leave for my appointment with Keith.

*  *  *  *  *

I never know quite what to expect with Keith (Chocolate Shaman), because I have never gone with any type of specific agenda. But just like my other visits with this amazingly intuitive man, I did not come away disappointed. This morning’s session brought amazing growth and provided me with much needed additional confidence in my own right-brained intuitive connections.

I started out by telling Keith about my amazing roller coaster ride of the last two weeks with experimenting with energy vibrations and intuitive awareness all on my own. I then expressed a little frustration about my continued wave-riding – involving incredible energizing experiences followed by in-between lows.

After meditating on it for a minute, Keith accurately pointed out that my lows were not really lows at all – they are merely absence of the highs. I just laughed as I told him that he was right on – but that this realization did not make the “absences” any easier to deal with.

Keith then told me something that was already on the tip of my tongue, as he reiterated that the lows were actually gifts, bearing great treasures, being opportunities for even more growth. I just giggled again as I acknowledged that most of my spiritual highs come from working through and healing such “low” obstacles in my path.

I am not one to quote poetry found on bathroom walls, but this morning I made an exception. Two days ago, a small poem showed up on the door of my favorite outdoor restroom. Just this morning, I had written it down in my notebook, and had barely finished memorizing it on my way to see Keith.

Recognizing that the poem says exactly what we had just said to each other, but in a very beautiful and poetic way, I quickly blurted out the words to Keith

For some who read these words, they may seem like gibberish. For me, just a few years ago, the words would most likely been sheer nonsense. But today, these beautiful words are pure divine music to my soul, reminding me to love every experience without any judgment or attachment, no matter how bad (or how good) it may seem at the time.

Excerpt From: The Precious Treasury of the Natural State
By Longchenpa

Whatever occurs, whatever it may be,
That itself is the key,
And without stopping it, or nourishing it,
In an even flow, freely resting,
Surrendering to Ultimate Contemplation,
In Naked Pristine Purity,
We reach Consumation.
Ah!

In the midst of our discussion about “loving the lows”, Keith mentioned something about past lives and parallel lives. I immediately interrupted and queried about what he means by parallel lives – specifically asking him about my grandmother. He indicated that it is definitely possible for the same soul to exist in the same dimension in more than one body at the same time, but that he was primarily referring to parts of our self that are simultaneously occupying bodies in parallel dimensions – going through their own growth experiences at the same time.

He explained that it is quite common for our soul to seek growth experience in multiple dimensions at the same time – and that we all benefit from each others’ growth and healing – and that sometimes we even feel the confusing struggles going on in the other dimension.

After pausing for a brief meditation, Keith asked me to close my eyes, indicating that he felt prompted that I need to have an experience to illustrate this. He told me that one of my parallel lives in another dimension was stuck in a severe mental/intellectual struggle, quite similar to many that I have experienced myself in this lifetime – but that this being’s pain was even deeper and more entrenched than I have ever experienced.

“You are going to connect with this other being and help to offload some of its pain.” Keith informed me matter-of-factly. “The dense energy will pass through you on its way out, but it will not stay with you. You are perfectly safe.”

Keith went on to tell me that doing such parallel-life assisting is quite common for people whose spiritual path and connections are more advanced than mine, and that one day, when my skills are more developed, that I could do the same on my own. Keith reassured me that he would guide me through this, and that I would be OK – again emphasizing that it would be a great learning experience for me.

Keith then set me loose, telling me to connect with this other being and to see what I could feel. For the first few minutes I felt absolutely nothing – nothing except quite distracted that is. I had a hard time focusing on much of anything. I felt as if mosquitoes were biting me. Then Keith’s cat jumped up on my lap and started nudging me, demanding my attention. I felt no connection to the other being, whatsoever.

“I feel a slight twinge in my lower abdomen,” I finally volunteered to Keith. “This slightly reminds me of the beginnings of a panic attack. Is this what you are looking for?”

Keith congratulated me, indicating that I was getting closer – but then he surprised me when he told me that my sense of distraction was also coming from the other being. I hadn’t even thought about that until he said so. All I knew is that suddenly I had felt as if my mind was wandering and I could not reach any spiritual depth.

To make the story short, Keith patiently kept coaching me into the experience – one which turned out to be very unpleasant. I began to feel the symptoms of a full-fledged panic attack in my lower abdomen, and I felt even more despair and confusion – feelings with which I have been quite familiar in my own lifetime.

At this point, Keith just turned me loose and told me to do my thing. He then went almost completely silent for the next 30 minutes – leaving me totally on my own.

I kept being deeply tempted to open my eyes in frustration, asking Keith to help me make this stop – it was very unnerving to feel the growing panic and confusion – as if it were my own, but knowing that it was not. I did not want to keep going with this exercise.

Gradually, I developed a sense of deep empathy for the other person, but at the same time felt deep resentment at him or her for giving me so much discomfort. Over time, I began to get the hang of what I needed to do. Little by little, the discomfort increased, but at the same time I learned (on my own) how to deal with it. I reminded myself that my spiritual power is literally fueled by love, and I focused every ounce of my effort onto feeling loving feelings for this other being. I began to send loving feelings and messages of counsel – the same type of things I would tell to my friends, or to myself – reminding this being that the only way to solve his/her dilemma is to reconnect with their higher self – to re-center in divine love.

Then I began to realize that maybe I could help in the process. I remembered how Keith had coached me in a similar (but very different) exercise almost exactly a month ago. I began to visualize this other being’s dense energy passing through my brain and then passing out of my body. I actually felt as if the very uncomfortable energy were entering on the right side of my abdomen (and head), passing through me, and then exiting on the left side.

What confused me was that the energy continuously kept coming, and didn’t seem to be feeling any lighter. By now, I was quite uncomfortable and concerned that the energy might not leave me.

Keeping my eyes closed, I spoke for the first time in fifteen minutes, asking Keith if he was following me in my journey, and wondering if he could give me any advice on what to do.

Keith just laughed, telling me that he was tracking me quite carefully, and that I seemed to be doing a great job on my own. The only thing he advised me to do was to connect with my higher self and to ask for advice and help. Then Keith promptly left me on my own again.

“Duh” I thought to myself as I imagined myself walking over to my visualized wall, opening a window in the wall, letting the bright light in, and then talking to my higher self.

For the final fifteen minutes I focused with ever increasing concentration. In many ways, the experience reminded me of my process in breaking my past-life contract just two weeks ago. My effort was every bit as intense, but the emotion was quite different (feeling the anxiety of the other being versus the intense tear-causing emotion from two weeks ago).

Finally, after extended effort and focus, I reached a point where I felt the energy flowing through me lighten to a sense of peace and relief. I felt that the other being had at last reached a state of spiritual centeredness. But then I began to feel the doubts surface again. The patterns were quite similar to many of my own past struggles, with feelings such as “I’m feeling loving and connected … but … but … but I still don’t know what to do” type of panic.

I began to feel frustrated again as I sensed that I had done all that I could do, and that this other being was again losing their state of centering. I opened my eyes and asked Keith what to do. He told me that he believed that I was right, that I had indeed done all that I could do at this time – that I cannot take this other beings pain away; I can only help – and that I had given all the help he/she was able to receive at this time.

Keith then told me to break the connection. When I did so, my lower abdomen still felt quite anxious and twitchy. I asked Keith what was going on, reminding him that he had reassured me that none of the other being’s energy would stay with me.

“I suspect that this is your own energy that was jarred free by the experience – not energy from the other being.” Keith pointed out, before then instructing me to connect again with my higher self and ask for help in clearing the energy.

Five minutes later, after meditating with my higher-self connection, asking for help in moving this unpleasant energy up and out, I felt a deep feeling of peacefulness completely consume my abdomen. I was done and I knew it.

I opened my eyes with a huge smile, discussing my experience with Keith. I was then quite surprised when Keith asked me to reconnect with the other being one more time to see where they were at. Reluctantly, I followed his guidance and immediately felt a connection filled with joy, relief, gratitude, and peace.

“You really had an impact on that other parallel-life being.” Keith told me. He then pointed out that in that being’s perception, I was his/her higher self, providing much needed assistance. Keith then told me that often when I connect with my own higher self it very well might be another more-advanced being from a parallel dimension doing the same thing for me that I just did for someone else.

“Cool”, I thought to myself, wondering if I could do this now, on my own, without Keith’s help.

After asking Keith for his opinion on this question, he felt that based on how I handled the journey, that I probably could handle this on my own. I’m not sure I will seek this out immediately, because the experience was quite challenging and in some ways scary – but the end result was very satisfying.

After a pleasant discussion regarding everything that happened, I jokingly asked Keith “So, can you tell me just how I can get the same training that you received so that I can do what you are doing?”

“You are already getting it.” Keith replied with a grin.

“Yes, but how do I know when I am getting it?” I asked with frustration. “When I am with you, I have learned to trust my instincts, because you are there to help me interpret them, but when I am out there on my own, I don’t always have the confidence to trust.”

Keith just smiled and replied that the only difference is that he knows that he can, and I believe that I can’t – implying that I can, but I just don’t believe it yet.

“Close your eyes again.” Keith told me. “Let’s do something else.”

He then told me to go back into meditation and to ask my higher self to give me another lesson that I am ready for.

I did what Keith asked, but did not feel much of anything for a several minute period. Finally I got the courage to speak what was coming up for me, telling Keith that I didn’t feel any strong promptings, but for some reason I was having the subject of spiders brought to the forefront of my mind.

I need to interject in a few additional details here. As I have mentioned before, I have had an ongoing tug-of-war with spider bites here at Las Piramides del Ka. The issue was mostly resolved about two weeks ago when I reached a solid state of temperance regarding my “free allergy shots” – but lately I have begun getting occasional bites again. I have remained peaceful, but slightly concerned nonetheless.

Also, right in the middle of today’s session with Keith (while my eyes were closed), Keith interrupted once to tell me with amazement that a large spider somewhere up above had just finished shedding its skin, and that the empty shell of legs and body had just fallen onto a bench just a few feet away from me.  I found his description fascinating, but never even opened my eyes to look. I was deep in meditation and soon forgot about the spider incident.

Also, right before the start of today’s session, I had noticed a very large ugly spider on the wall of Keith’s bathroom when I had asked permission to use it before our extended session began.

But during our session, when I blurted out to Keith that I was getting a message popping into my head regarding spiders, none of these other spider incidents were even in my radar – I had forgotten them all – the spider feeling came from deep in my right brain intuition.

“Let’s explore this.” Keith told me, as he asked me to again close my eyes and go back to my earliest memories about spiders.

“That is easy.” I told him. “I was a 10 to 11 year old boy, sleeping in a dark basement of a cinder-block home in central Washington State. It was the exact same period in my life as when I began to seriously struggle with my gender confusions. One night I woke up with a body covered in spider bites – bites that itched horribly. For a period of time (I don’t remember how long or how often) the bites continued. That is when I first began to struggle with the issue.”

Keith then amazed me with his insights – insights that now seem so obvious. It surprised me how Keith didn’t make me solve this puzzle on my own, he just spoon fed me with what was being channeled through him – and it was brilliant.

Tears began to flow down my cheeks as he told me that those spiders had been a huge gift to me – that in many ways they had saved my life – at least my spiritual life. He pointed out how I was young, confused, scared, and had new hormones beginning to rage through my body – and that I had no one with whom I could talk about my raging gender struggles. He told me that the spiders were sent to me as a gift to distract me, to give me an outlet for expressing all of my pent up anxiety and emotional energy.

Keith said that without those spiders to help me bring up-and-out my intense internal anxiety, I most likely would have stuffed my gender anxiety energies very deeply into the bottom of my soul – and that if I had stuffed and buried that intense emotion, it probably would have had much more severe impact on the rest of my life – creating major dysfunctions from which I might not have been able to recover.

As Keith talked, tears began to stream even more strongly when I realized that the emotion from this spider insight was every bit as intense as what I experienced during “meditative discussions” with my disowned personality traits earlier this week – especially the ones with “Loud Lucy” and “Intellectual Al”.

I cannot explain what happened, but in today’s short fifteen minute meditation about spiders and in our subsequent discussion, a world of pain and fear was lifted from my shoulders. I instantaneously developed a great love for spiders and how they may have saved my emotional life – literally making it possible for me to be on the spiritual path that I am on today.

Keith walked over to the bench a few feet away from me and picked up the large spider skin – the soft featherweight shell of legs and body still completely intact and looking as ugly as ever. He handed the spider to me, placing it in the palm of my left hand. I stared at it for quite some time before actually bending over and gently kissing one of the gross ugly legs.

“Did you know that spiders are considered a very powerful totem animal in some spiritual traditions?” Keith asked.

“Do you think that the spider might be my totem animal?” I asked inquisitively.

Keith told me that he did not know the answer to that question, indicating that I would need to meditate on that one myself. But soon, he disappeared into his home and returned with a book called “Animal Speak” written by a man named Ted Andrews. He opened the book to a several-page section all about spiders. Keith handed the book to me, asking me to skim through it to see what I thought – to see what jumped out at me.

I wish I had a copy of what I read. I was literally blown away with the insights that flashed into my consciousness with almost every paragraph – insights about how spiders help to balance masculine and feminine energy, and help to stimulate creativity. Talking about the spiritual significance of their beautiful spiraling webs, and how they are both strong and fragile, etc… How I wish my memory was better. The things I read touched me deeply.

By the time I finished reading, I began to seriously believe that spiders and I may indeed have a very deep spiritual connection. I actually began to wonder if the spiders here at Las Piramides have been trying to get my attention – pushing me to develop my deeper connections and spiritual awareness – pushing me to this very discussion with Keith.

Keith promised to scan the book’s section about spiders onto his computer, telling me that I can come back later to put the images on a thumb drive so that I can have my own copy of the description. I cannot wait to get the words so that I can meditate more deeply on the insights.

As I finally left Keith’s presence, over two hours and forty-five minutes after arriving, I felt as if I were floating in the clouds. My spiritual energy was through the roof, and I felt as if I might actually be able to walk in the clouds (figuratively speaking).

Before I skipped joyfully away, I thanked Keith from the bottom of my heart for the incredible spider healing insights – and for the new intuitive tools in my spiritual backpack. Then I commented with a grin, “I think I’ll be back again in a week or two.”

*  *  *  *  *

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention. The ugly-but-beautiful spider skin is now sitting proudly on my little alter here in my room – right next to my candle, my incense burner, and my crystals.

Saturday, August 21 – 12:30 p.m.

After turning off my computer last night I remembered a few more things I wanted to say about Friday’s visit with Keith. Yes, I broke my silence for the duration of our session, but resumed immediately thereafter. My intuition tells me that this was the proper and right thing for me to do … and I have no regrets. I take my silence very seriously, but I also will never sacrifice an opportunity for incredible spiritual growth just to follow a rule. It is hard to believe that I have already into my eleventh day of silence.

In my discussions with Keith, I also gained some great insights into balance. Prior to yesterday, I had seen it as an issue that needed to be under control of the rational mind … making sure that I have the right amount of intellect to properly balance just the right amount of emotional and creative energies, etc…  This whole concept of control by the rational mind now seems so silly and bizarre as I think about it.

In discussing balance, we talked about how if you allow both sides to flow naturally then it is quite easy to make course corrections that will keep us going in the right direction. I jumped in and likened the example of balance to driving a powerboat or to flying an airplane – how if we determine that we are off course, we simply make a slight adjustment with a new heading, and we eventually get where we want to go just fine. The further off course we find ourselves, the bigger our correction needs to be, but that is all it is, a simple course correction – not some big sin.

Keith countered back with an example that I loved even more – one involving my favorite symbol of bicycles. He explained that when riding a bicycle, we don’t consciously think about how to maintain balance. In fact, if we think about it, the task becomes more difficult. Once we learn, it becomes a natural instinct, and balance is maintained subconsciously, nearly automatically. If we begin to lean in one direction or the other, we simply steer into that direction and balance is resumed. Likewise, in life, if we begin to get too much “right energy” pushing us to the left, we simply steer into the “left energy” to re-achieve balance – and it can all be on autopilot when we connect with our hearts and intuition, letting them be our guides.

The subject of balance is quite important to me right now, as I am attempting to learn how to balance all areas of my life in relation to the Tree of Life. My discussion with Keith took the “head game” out of the equation and made me realize that the balance is a natural rhythm that will occur when I open all of my aspects and then simply focus on where I want to go – focusing on to where I desire to move.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning, I paid Keith a quick visit to pick up scans of my “Spider pages” from his Animal Speak book. I love having the inspiring words on which to meditate. Some of the things I find fascinating are the following.

Spiders have a two part body, somewhat resembling a figure eight, or the infinity symbol. The number of legs, eight, is also the same spiritual number. In India, spiders are the weavers of illusion (Maya). In Greek mythology, spiders symbolize weaving, measuring, and cutting the threads of life. In some Native American traditions, spider is grandmother, the link to the past and the future.

Spiders teach us to maintain balance – between past and future, physical and spiritual, masculinity and femininity. Spiders awaken the energy of creativity and creation, keeping the feminine energies of creation alive and strong – teaching that creativity is stimulated through polarity and balance.

Spiders are the guardians of ancient languages and alphabets. The “Animal Speak book indicates that those who weave magic with the written word probably have a spider totem.

Spiders are also a symbol of death and rebirth, and are linked as a lunar symbol, with ties to the phases of the moon.

Spiders are usually very delicate, being both a combination of gentleness and strength. They walk the threads of life, maintaining balance on tiny silken threads.

As I ponder on many of these words, I recognize that the spider has indeed been a very important guide in my life, constantly pushing me along my spiritual path. I cannot wait to meditate more on these new insights – and I will for sure be spending more time staring at the magnificent spiral spider webs that are quite common here in the gardens.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning I had three memorable dreams. I won’t go into details here, as they were not especially significant, and the details are in my dream journal. One thing I do want to mention here is that one of the dreams involved five of ten seconds of lucidity before I actually found myself leaving the dream. I didn’t have time in the Lucid dream to do much of anything, but it was great to finally have another Lucid dream just to let me know that maybe I still might achieve my goals in the area of dreaming. I have had a couple of weeks with very minimal remembered dreams, but now that the full moon is approaching I seem to be remembering quite a lot. Stay tuned … for more dream reports.

Right now I am starved and it is time for my runny blended carrot soup, and then I want to go meditate.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Sunday, August 15 – 7:00 p.m.

I had two flashes of insight on the way to meditation tonight. The first insight was:

“I am not in silence in order to separate myself from the world outside. Instead, I am in silence to be more fully present with the amazing world around me. When I am not speaking, and thinking, I am instead listening and being.”

This simple shift in my thinking already helped me to have a more effective meditation this evening.

The second flash of insight happened when I walked by Marcel, one of our amazing Sun Course members. I noticed that he was very deliberately walking almost like a snail, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. As I watched with wonder, I suddenly realized “I want to do that. That will help me to be more present as well.”

By consciously focusing on every footstep I will be much more in the presence – in the here-and-now. Beginning immediately, I have begun to walk much slower. Not only does this help me to be present, I also believe it will help me in my Lucid Dreaming practice. By constantly paying attention to what is around me, I will be more in the same habit while dreaming, causing me to recognize more easily when I am in a nighttime dream.

I love these little flashes of insight. Now, the only trick will be to remember to actually implement them on a consistent basis. I think I will begin now.

Monday, August 16 – 6:45 p.m.

Today was quite the roller coaster ride. For two weeks we have been learning and practicing the four phases of a therapy technique that is based on the Tree of Life – a technique channeled through Chaty – a therapy that she has named Shaluah Ka, which means “messages from the Spirit.” This morning, for the first time in our classes, we put all four phases together in one long session. I have been partnering with Sandra, and today was my turn to receive the full therapy. Tomorrow, I get to practice giving it to her.

The only gotcha is that we are practicing on the floor of the small Sun Temple, and the small padded mat that I used today was extremely thin. I was lying either on my back or on my stomach for nearly two hours throughout the beautiful relaxing therapy – a therapy involving light relaxation work, aura cleansing, and energy work. When I went to turn over about half way through, I knew that I was in trouble. My lower back was aching fiercely, but I was not about to suffer. I just toughed it out with a smile on my face and love in my heart. When I had to turn from my stomach onto my back for the final ten minutes, it took every ounce of strength that I could muster just to roll my body over again.

But the real show came when it was time to sit up. Sandra and I were the last to finish, and I felt as if all eyes in the room were lovingly watching me as I struggled to manipulate my body back to a sitting position. I was trying so hard to be brave and courageous as I shakily struggled to lift my body in the direction of sitting. The pain was extreme, but temporary, as I slowly inched myself upward with a painful grimace on my face. By the time I finally reached a sitting position, I could feel the love in the room being directed toward me as my emotion got the best of me and I started crying. The tears were not tears of pain – even though my back was indeed in a great deal of pain – they were tears of gratitude and emotion for the love and concern that I felt from others.

I felt slightly embarrassed, but at the same time filled with love and gratitude as I sat through the final ten minutes of class time. I was physically fine by the time I finally went to stand up, but still quite amazed at how fragile my emotions felt as I walked back to my room. I was starving for breakfast, so I did not give myself time to process the emotions.

*  *  *  *  *

After a quick bowl of delicious oatmeal, I felt inspired to try a little meditative walking. I think I slightly overdid it … LOL.  The day was so beautiful, and the lake scenery so incredible, that I just kept slowly walking and walking, all the way to a neighboring village called Tsununá (pronounced sue-new-NAH). The walk over a bumpy dirt road took nearly an hour in each direction, and involved a few steep climbs. Throughout the walk, I maintained a steady, meditative pace. By the time I returned to Las Piramides, I was happy, but weak and exhausted – definitely not in the mood to meditate any further.

I was going to nap, but instead opted for an early (for me) 2:00 p.m. lunch. It was not until I finally returned to my room shortly after 3:00 p.m. that my unexpressed emotions caught up with me.

I could tell the emotions still wanted to come-up-and-out as I reflected on this morning’s experience. Knowing that “feelings buried alive never die”, I allowed myself to visualize the whole experience as if it were happening right now. Sure enough, the suppressed emotion came bubbling to the surface, and this time I allowed the tears to gush out unobstructed. I felt so much better as those emotions escaped out into the ether. There was absolutely no sadness involved – the tears were loving tears – but nevertheless, they still needed to be processed and released.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight, right before meditation, a huge downpour drenched the surrounding area. It was right up there with the strongest of cloudbursts that I remember here at the lake. Nearly all of the paths to get from my little pyramid to the bathrooms and then to the temple were flowing rivers with several inches of rushing water. I was one of only 15 who braved the drenching elements.

For the second half of our meditation, we did a partner exercise where we took turns answering three thought-provoking questions: “Who am I?”, “Where did I come from?” and “Where am I going?”

I was not really interested in the process at first, but quickly fell in love with what happened. I partnered with N’himsa, one of my fellow Sunnies. Looking into her sparkling eyes was part of the treat, but the real pleasure was taking turns throwing out creative answers. We spent about ten minutes on each question. I would give an answer, then N’himsa gave an answer, then I gave another answer, etc…

As we creatively used each other’s answers to continually go deeper into our Spiritual imaginations, my heart gradually felt lighter, increasingly bursting with playful joy. This was one meditation that I would have loved to continue for much longer.

*  *  *  *  *

Early this morning I awoke from an intensely focused dream – one that I know I have had repeatedly almost every night for more than a week. The frustrating thing is that I can never remember anything about the always-intense dream, other than the fact that I feel as if I was concentrating deeply on either the Tree of Life or on the Tarot Major Arcana cards.

Today, as I crawled out of bed, I decided to meditate on the dream, even though I could still not remember much of anything. As I meditated, I felt a strong intuitive feeling that the number five was involved – and I felt intuitively drawn to the fifth sephirah in the Tree of Life – the sephirah named Geborah – a sphere that represents energy, courage, and determination – both in facing fears, and also in tearing down things when they no longer serve a useful purpose.

As I meditated further, I felt a strong intuitive feeling telling me that I need to stop taking my conjugated estrogen pills. I fought the feeling, but after a quick Tarot reading and further pondering, I decided to take my intuition seriously.

There is a little background history that I need to relate. When I left Mexico in February, my supply of brand-name Premarin had nearly run out. I had tried repeatedly to locate quality prescription replacements, but the only thing I could find was a lower dose of generic conjugated estrogen. I had always been told that generics for Premarin were not available in the U.S. because there were problems with them – but I was faced with either taking generic estrogen or none at all.

Not wanting to go without my estrogen, I ignored an intuitive little feeling that lightly cautioned me, and I purchased a bottle of 100 generics anyway. During my first couple of weeks in the Moon Course, I had a session with an intuitive Crystal Healer who told me that there was something going on with my digestive system, and it might have something to do with a prescription drug that I was taking. At that time, I almost stopped taking the estrogen – feeling a slight hunch that maybe “the Crystal Lady” was right – but then I rationalized away my doubting feelings and kept right on with my daily dose.

When in Antigua after the Moon Course, I visited a pharmacy and stocked up on another four-month supply of the little conjugated estrogen pills – again ignoring a little feeling that asked me again, “Are you sure you want to take these?”

When I had my Lymphatic Massage last week (with a woman that I have been told is exceptionally intuitive), she told me that she sensed that my gall bladder was struggling, and indicated that my intestines were quite plugged up. She told me I should probably consider a complete intestinal flush with a natural laxative (in a tea).

Anyway, making a long story short, this morning as I meditated, I had a hard time ignoring this strong intuition that maybe I needed to stop taking my estrogen.

This is not really a pleasant subject for internet posting, but I need to say in a non-descriptive way that my digestive system was quite healthy when I left Mexico (while I was still taking brand-name Premarin) – but shortly after entering Belize (while taking generics) I noticed that things were not so normal – and they have been that way ever since. I always assumed that this was from constantly changing diets and parasites, etc, – but today’s meditative intuition told me that it is time to make the tough decision – to have the courage to do something I don’t want to do – to have the determination to follow a prompting (my Geborah energy from my dream) to stop taking female hormones.

I have been on Premarin for close to 20 years, and have grown so emotionally dependent on the magical little pills that I am a little nervous about what might happen if I stop – but internal intuition tells me that my health is at stake and that I need to trust that intuition – intuition that has been coming at me from several sources for a couple of months now.

A quick browse on the internet today revealed that one possible (but less common) side effect of generic conjugated estrogens is gall bladder disease (among a huge list of many other possible complications). This search seemed to intuitively strengthen my resolve to stop. Ego is still quite resistant about stopping – not wanting to trust that “silly intuition” – throwing a temper tantrum while insisting that I need my magic pills.

In order to appease the ego, I reassured it that we can always revisit this decision in the future, but for today – we’ll just stop temporarily to see what happens.

Time will tell, but I have a feeling that this is a permanent decision, and I feel quite peaceful right now in saying so.

Tuesday, August 17 – 6:45 p.m.

What a perfect day, from start to finish. My seventh day of silence has been a day filled with continuous present-moment awe and wonder. I know I have to capture the experience in words. The only problem is that anyone who reads these words without having had a similar personal experience to which they can relate will probably see these descriptive words as just that – trite and silly words. But when accompanied by the emotions that I have felt all day, these words send energetic shivers through my soul.

As I arrived outside the larger pyramid temple this morning, waiting for yoga to begin, I discovered a brand new ant hill right by the area where I normally wait. As I bent down to observe the ants busily excavating the moist wet soil from last night’s rains, I felt as if I were a young child eagerly observing her first ant farm. The hustle and bustle of activity literally captivated me. I carried that energy of curiosity and wonder with me throughout the day.

During class, it was my turn to perform the Shaluah Ka therapy on Sandra. For an hour and forty-five minutes, I massaged, placed crystals, cleansed auras, and did energy work. There were only a few times that I had to pause to think about what I needed to do next. For the most part I remained in my groove. I believe that I felt every bit as relaxed and energized as Sandra when our treatment time was over.

Without skipping a beat, I returned to one of my new favorite breakfast spots for a small bowl of granola with yogurt, and a small plate piled high with five delightful types of cut tropical fruits. Oh, and yes, of course, there was the honey jar.

As I munched on my small bowl of granola topped with yogurt, I found myself chewing extremely slowly, enjoying every bite, crunching each and every morsel, savoring every taste. But it wasn’t until I began to nibble away on my fruit that I became fully conscious of what I was doing.

I discovered that I was actually meditating with my food. The past and future were literally gone; I was immersed in the experience of savoring each bite. In fifty-five years of eating, I do not believe I have ever been so present, so in-the-moment, when I was eating. I began to be amazed at the sensations from my tongue – the sweetness of the mango – the tart-but-sweet twinge of the delicious pineapple – the smooth slippery texture of the sliced bananas against my lips and inner cheeks – the spongy feeling of the ripe juicy watermelon melting in my mouth, and the not-so-flavorful cantaloupe tidbits.

“What is that soft squishy thing moving the food around in my mouth?” I marveled as I observed my tongue performing one of its many functions. “How did my tongue learn to do that so skillfully?”

“And those hard sharp things biting down and mashing the fruit?” I thought meditatively. “What wonder of nature designed these incredibly functional teeth?”

“And how is it that I can taste these various flavors, distinguishing them one from another? What makes me like some flavors and dislike others, especially when I know that other people have exactly the opposite likes and dislikes?”

Then I focused on my sense of smell, and on the visual images. The fruit’s were so delightfully colorful – reds, oranges, yellow, and white.

As I grabbed my plastic water bottle to swallow a few swigs, I was caught off guard when I noticed bubbles drifting up from the mouth of the upside-down bottle. I could even hear the bubbles glub-glub-glubbing into the plastic bottle. As I returned the bottle right-side-up to the table, I watched as the water swirled around in circular waves until it finally returned to a calm smooth state. The sunlight – the incredible warm sun that was shining down on my sun-starved skin – reflected like diamonds off the water in my bottle as I slightly wiggled it from side to side.

One at a time, I slowly ate each piece of fruit, savoring every element of my sacred experience. When I finally finished running the last moist bite across my lips, my attention turned to the honey jar. I had been so involved with in-the-moment eating that the jar had not even captured my attention. As I looked down the narrow neck of the small ceramic pot, I noticed five honey bees sinking in a golden pool of thick quick-sand honey. Feeling quite compassionate, I reached my fork down inside and gently scooped each onto my plate. As I finished rescuing the fifth honey bee, I noticed a little black blob that was barely below the surface. Curiously, I scooped it out too – revealing what looked like a tiny black-bodied bee of some sort.

Just as on Sunday, I watched with delighted amazement as the bees began to struggle to clean themselves. “Surely that little black one is too far gone to survive.” I noted to myself.

Within minutes, there were at least fifteen to twenty bees zooming around in front of me as the honey-soaked ones instinctively rubbed legs and wings while doing their acrobatic show for me. As before, other bees began to surround the ones who were soaked, anxiously gobbling honey from their bodies.

I wondered to myself: “Are the bees helping others out of love and loyalty to their fellow bees? … or are the bees simply helping because they happened to find some free and available honey on the body of the other bees?”

“It doesn’t matter.” I reassured myself. Regardless of their motives, nature has given them the instincts to perform an action that helps each other. To my amazement, the little tiny black bee gradually started crawling around, working his wings free. Within twenty minutes, every one of the bees, including the tiny one, had taken flight, and were anxiously scavenging every drop of spare honey they could find, both on my plate and on the table where they had been crawling around while still dripping.

As this side show began to end, I started a short-distance walk back toward my pyramid room. Each step became a meditation as I felt the energy of the moment holding me captive. I ended up walking past my turnoff, continuing all the way down to the boat dock, where I was surprised to see that the water levels of Lake Atitlan have risen at least another foot since I last checked. The spot where I boarded the boat last week is now completely under water.

Moments after arriving back in my room, I felt prompted to go meditate in our little Sun-Course temple (it is available to us during our forty days of silence until 5:00 p.m. each day). As I tried to meditate, my instincts told me to simply lie down on a mat and to experience the energy in my body. For much of the next hour, I remained fully present, focusing every element of my will into opening energy channels in my body. Inch by inch, I consciously coaxed the energy to work its way through my entire body. By the end of my hour, I literally was feeling energy vibrations on every square inch of my skin – from my ears to my toes. I could even feel some of my internal organs vibrating. My body felt as if it were a balloon filled with pressurized Spiritual energy. I felt as if my skin were going to pop with the inner fullness that I experienced. I had no idea how my little body could possibly contain the immense energy that I felt throughout my body.

If I hadn’t had to run to nearby outdoor facilities, I could easily have remained on my back basking in that amazing energy for another hour. Actually, that is exactly what I did. After a quick run to the restroom, I retired to my private pyramid, stretched out on my bed, re-immersing myself into the experience until it was time to run off to evening meditation in the big pyramid.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight’s meditation was amazing. Chaty led us in a past-life regression. While slightly similar to the previous two times I have done this exercise, Chaty mixed it up a little bit, and brought a huge amount of fresh energy into the experience. It was as if this were my first time in the temple.

Chaty gradually guided us back to the most recent life that we had prior to this current lifetime. Instinctively I was deeply drawn to ponder the life of my grandmother – my dear mother’s mother. It never seemed possible to me before, but my amazing channeling friend Trish had told me one day in a session that my grandmother and I are one and the same soul.

(Note from Brenda: I apologize in advance to any of my family who may read these words – family who I know do not believe in reincarnation. In describing this experience, I only wish to honor my dear grandmother. Please read with this, my purest of intentions, in mind.)

“How is that possible?” I had asked, explaining that I was nineteen years old when she died.

“Oh, it is not uncommon for the same soul to be in two different parallel incarnations at the same time.” Trish had explained to me. “In the case of your grandmother, she had taken her growth in this lifetime about as far as she was capable, so her higher self (and yours) decided to start a new life filled with new growth opportunities – and that new life was you.”

Everything Trish had told me felt right, registering peacefully with my soul as being true. Yet, I don’t believe I have ever fully wrapped my logical head around the idea – until tonight that is.

As I pondered my grandmother’s life story – her incredible work ethic in being the oldest of eleven children, raising her younger siblings as if they were her own children when her mother died while giving birth to the youngest. My grandmother was a deeply spiritual woman, always work, work, working on her spiritual path – serving others, serving her church, serving her neighbors, and serving her family. She loved beautifully, and was deeply loved by all.

As I pondered my grandmother’s beautiful life, I could feel her frustration at having reached her growth limit in this lifetime – yet I felt her determination to keep at it until the day she died.

As I contemplated her death, I began to swell with joyful tears (something I seem to be doing a lot of lately). I had never really thought of the circumstances in such detail before tonight.

It was 1973. I was nineteen years old and had just left home for the first time – leaving my little hometown in central Washington State to run off to BYU in Utah for what I hoped would be a new start in life as a freshman in college. Just a week or two after I left home, my grandmother left Utah and went to visit my parents in Washington. Just days later, she passed away in my bedroom, in my very own bed. What had once made me feel a little weird now seems to ring true as an amazing synchronicity.

I have no proof that any of this is true – and I do not feel as if I need any proof. I have no need to convince anyone of anything.

What I do know to be true is that I feel a deep sense of peace and rich connection to my dear mother’s mother. Tonight, I feel an even more powerful connection with her as I contemplate that she chose my bed (the bed of her reincarnated self) as a place to take her last breaths – less than two weeks after I grew old enough to set off on my own life adventure as a wide-eyed young single adult, ready to take on the world.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night (Monday) before bed, I took the time to have a meditative conversation with three more of my suppressed personality elements.

When I interviewed “Inefficient Ignacio”, I had a hard time pinning down a visual. He pretty much felt as if he were everyone out there that I judge, including me. When I asked him about his gift for me, he told me that it had been his job to teach me all about “present moment spontaneous living”. He has been working hard for a very long time to help me to remove sterile structure and rules from my life, encouraging me to access my creative, imaginative, intuitive side. He told me that life is too short to focus on efficiency when there are so many more-important present moment experiences to be had. I asked him what he needed from me, and he asked me to give him more freedom to be present with me without restrictive mental structure. “I need love” he told me. “I need permission to take over at times when structure is impeding your peace.”

I find it quite interesting that I experienced such an amazing day of present moment living just the very next day after making a deep and peaceful reconciliation with Inefficient Ignacio. I fine it even more humorous to realize that I began my breakfast today trying to meditate on structured thoughts. It was only when I let that structure go that my amazing day became even more incredible.

The other two personality traits with whom I visited last night were Work-horse Waldo and Slave-driver Sid. Work-horse Waldo reminded me of the spitting image of an old work supervisor, and Slave-driver Sid was a little red devil sitting on my right shoulder. The two interviews were quite similar. Waldo explained that, when used in balance, he gives me the ability to work at my passions without even considering them to be work. For that I am grateful. Sid explained to me that without him, I could never have made it through all of the tough times in my life – times where I simply had to push forward through extremely difficult and unpleasant tasks. He gave me the courage and determination to do what I didn’t think I could do – what I didn’t want to do – but had to do – to get to where I am today.

Both Waldo and Sid simply asked for love and acknowledgment for the great service they have given to me in my life. Likewise, they both emphasized that while their services are extremely valuable, they must be used in balance, only accessed as needed.

I love my new friends. It is amazing how much less judgment I feel tonight than I did just a few nights ago – and it has all come from learning to love the things that I found myself projecting onto others. I am anxious to make even more internal friends.

Wednesday, August 18 – 7:15 p.m.

In many ways, today was quite similar to yesterday – just not as eye-opening nor as breath-taking in the area of present-moment wonders. It never ceases to amaze me how one day’s breakthrough energy experience can seem so normal and ordinary on the next day – kind of like “been there, done that.” I’m learning time and time again that a deep spiritual connection requires constant effort and vigilance. It is not an achievement that will automatically carry over from one day to the next.

After a beautiful morning of Yoga, class-time, and a breakfast-without-bees, I headed over to the small Sun Course temple to do some individual meditation. I was feeling a little stuck, so I did something I knew how to do. I reclined on a mat and began focusing on feeling the vibrating energy throughout my body. After immersing myself into a state of deep relaxation and overflowing vibrating energy, I began to ponder a question that has been on my mind extensively as of late.

One of the things I have realized by studying the Kabala Tree of Life is how critically important it is in my life to balance intellect with creativity and loving, joyful emotion. An unbalanced state in either direction will hinder, or even prevent, the deep mystical connections that I am seeking. I already understood that intellect that is not fertilized with loving and joyful emotions is basically sterile. But somehow, I failed to recognize that the opposite is also true.

As I meditatively engaged in a silent conversation with my right brain (using my imagination as the stage for the discussion to take place), a strong intuitive insight flooded into my awareness – a voice telling me that I was going about my process in the wrong way – a voice telling me that NOW was the time to engage in a meditative conversation with “Intellectual Al” – “Al” being another one of my disowned personality traits. When I began the imaginary conversation, I had no idea what I was about to uncover.

As Al and I began to chat, his forceful power blew me away from the very start of our conversation. He was quite indignant and rebellious, demanding my undivided attention. He began by scolding me – chastising me for the way I have suppressed him over the last six or seven years.

“How dare you try to push me out of your life!” Al exclaimed. “I am one of your strongest and most powerful gifts.”

Al went on to remind me how my intellectual skills have always blessed my life, jogging my memory about how I used to love my Software Engineering career – how I literally thrived on taking on the most difficult of challenges. He pointed out how I had an uncanny ability to figure out the spaghetti-maze behind a complicated problem, coming up with thorough, functional, and bug-free solutions to some of the most complex of programming issues. Al then reiterated how he had always been there to guide and help me, making it possible for me to learn literally anything and everything that I ever put my focus onto.

“We often struggled to learn by simply reading or listening to a professor,” Al reminded me, “but when we focused and rolled up our sleeves, actually doing and practicing, there was never anything that we couldn’t do together.”

Then Al reminded me that not only does he help me understand complicated subjects, but that he has always blessed me with deep clarity and the ability to simplify those complex subjects in a way that I could then explain them to others with ease and logic.

I felt quite ashamed of myself for the way I have treated Al over the last six or seven years. When I began my passionate spiritual pursuits back in late 2003, I started to resent Al’s influence. I wanted to pursue a life of living in my heart space, and Al simply lived in the wrong neighborhood, way over on the wrong side of the brain.

Al was geeky, he was anal, and detail oriented. He didn’t have a lot of social skills, and he didn’t know how to relate well to other people on a non-intellectual basis. I resented him for that, and wanted to minimize his presence in my life. I mostly just tolerated him, putting him under house-arrest, slapping an ankle monitor on his right leg to keep him from breaking curfew or straying too far from his newly established prison cell.

It became my life mission to find unconditional love and deep spirituality, and I envisioned Al as being a huge obstacle, an unwelcome enemy along that spiritual path.

As I took the meditative conversation another notch deeper, I began to remember all of the times in my life that I have been teased or put-down by others for being too nerdy, or too brainy, too anal, too methodical, too socially unskilled, etc. I realized that I have been in a love-hate relationship with Al throughout most of my life. Many of my deepest emotional struggles were related to Al. I always recognized his incredible contribution, but I blamed him exclusively for my inability to fit in with others.

As I continued meditating, I began to feel deeply ashamed of the way I have treated Al. He was not to blame for any of my social struggles throughout my life, nor was he to blame for my lack of deeper right-brain connections. He was a victim of my transgender struggles. My not fitting in had nothing to do with intellect; it had everything to do with hating myself for the body in which I was stuck, hating myself for having to live a lie, having to pretend to be something that I was not. Al was just a quick and easy scapegoat – someone onto whom I could project the blame.

The deeper I got into meditative analysis, the more emotion surfaced. Soon, tears began to stream down the sides of my cheeks, dripping down my ears on their way to the mat below. I was a little self-conscious because Sandra was meditating only three feet away, and I didn’t want to disturb her, nor did I want to draw attention to my unexpected emotional journey.

I told myself that in a few minutes I would return to my room and let the emotion surface in a big way – but then Sandra solved the issue for me as she soon silently exited the temple, leaving me alone to face my internal demons. I began to talk out loud to Al, deeply apologizing for the horrible way I have treated him, suppressed him, victimized him, and repeatedly blamed him. My powerful emotions swelled as I permitted Al’s pain to rise to the surface in an unobstructed manner.

After fifteen minutes of emotional release, my tear ducts stopped flowing, my facial redness receded, and a new sense of calmness and internal awareness rapidly began taking shape as light bulbs flashed all over in my head.

“My intellect has never been the enemy here.” I pondered. “I need to fully embrace the incredible gifts with which I have been blessed. Instead of trying to achieve balance by suppressing my left brain activities, I need to achieve that balance by increasing my right brain endeavors in such a way that they become equal to my intellectual blessings.

Portions of Mary Ann Williamson’s famous quote popped into my head: “Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us”

I ran those words repeatedly through my mind, thinking of how I have tried to minimize my intellect, forcing it to play a smaller back-seat role in my life.

As I left the Sun Course temple at 2:30 this afternoon, I was bubbling with newfound enthusiasm, telling me that I will never again downplay my intellectual gifts. Instead, I will embrace them while at the same time, focusing them in a more balanced right-brain-integrated way.

Instead of trying to make my left brain smaller, I will simply put more focus on growing my right brain while embracing and loving my left-brain strengths.

Later this evening, as I further pondered this issue, I stumbled across the channeled words of my dear friend Trish. Every week she channels a message from her spiritual guide, the Archangel Michael. This is one of her messages that touched me deeply just a few months ago. I copied it down at that time, but never did a thing with it until now. Tonight, I find it perfect for my present stage in life.

Message from the Archangel Michael
channeled by Trish Withus:

“Once you find your way into your heart,
to go backwards is nearly impossible.
But, the journey forward is magnificently easy.”

Reflecting on these words reassures me that it is literally impossible for my intellect to overwhelm me, taking me out of my well-entrenched heart space. Tonight, I believe with all my heart that I can openly embrace my intellectual gifts without putting my heart journey in any danger whatsoever.

I am quite interested in seeing how this newfound insight affects my future growth.

But now, it is time to crawl between the sheets. I am anxiously awaiting my next powerful dream experience.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, August 11 – 7:00 p.m.

What a beautiful day. After staying up last night till nearly 11:00 p.m. watching the Matrix with most of the Sun Course, I slept like a baby. I only remember waking one time during the night. After a quick scamper out into the dark to visit the nearby restroom building, I was able to return quickly to sleep.

At 8:20 a.m. I found myself dressed in white, gathering with all of my Sun Course friends, exchanging last words and hugs. Magic was in the air.

As class time rapidly approached, I witnessed a long moment of magic. One of our Sun Course group (N’himsa) is privileged to have her mother here participating in the Moon Course. My heart nearly melted as I became the grateful observer of an incredible hug between mother and daughter. The beautiful hug seemed to go on forever, and I began to feel a sense of intense loving emotion as I basked in the display before me. My emotion as a silent observer was so strong that tears began to stream down my cheeks. Seconds later, Sandra walked over, and she too began to cry. At about the same time, I noticed that N’himsa herself began to bubble with her own emotion.

After the private hug was over, Sandra and I walked over for our turns. As I hugged N’himsa’s mother, I briefly indicated that I was pretending she was my mother. Immediately she grabbed me again and hugged me a little longer, at which point I again broke into a few tears while imagining that my own beautiful mother was proudly squeezing me tightly. What an emotional way to lead into our ceremony to begin 40 days of silence.

Soon, after all eight of us were seated on our meditation stools in our little pyramid temple, Chaty guided us into our first 30 minutes of silent meditation. At one point during our meditation, Chaty broke in and began channeling a message from the invisible world. Then she stood up and walked around the room channeling a short personal message for each of us, giving us the personal name of a spirit guide who will be accompanying us during our 40 day process – being there to help and to give us additional support. I am excited to have my own personal guide, and already feel quite close to his energy.

As the beautiful ceremony continued, Chaty asked us to each take a turn to express our personal intents during our 40 days. I cannot remember my exact words, but I dedicated my passionate intent to devote my heart and soul to the process that I am now entering – fully committing in a public way to raise my internal vibration levels and to listen to my internal guidance – doing whatever I am prompted to do – facing every prompting with love, devotion, and trust. When Narkis took her turn at the end, her emotion-filled words triggered another round of loving tears in many of us.

I was sad when our ceremony needed to end. I did not want to walk out of the small temple, leaving the presence of that incredible loving Spirit. Many of us lingered for a while longer, exchanging repeated hugs. Accompanying words were not necessary.

*  *  *  *  *

Since entering silence this morning, I have approached my first day with deep reverence. During my last five-day period of silence, I was quite disciplined about not speaking with others, yet I continued to talk out loud to myself quite a lot. During this new silence, I have decided that I will not even whisper to myself. My voice box is going into hibernation. Chaty assured us that after about ten days of doing this, amazing things begin to happen.

Of course, there are two types of situations in which I may occasionally talk – during classes in the temple, and if I feel prompted to participate in some type of therapeutic session or doctor visit. Other than that, my heart is determined to be pure and genuine with my intent to remain absolutely silent.

I expect that these outside sessions will be few and far between. Today I participated in a lymphatic massage with energy work – wanting to get that experience out of the way before full immersion into the silence. In about twenty minutes or so, I will also need to have a brief conversation with my doctor as I pick up the results of my latest post-antibiotic parasite test. I am hoping the tests show that I am now parasite free, but I will roll with whatever comes up. After tonight, the only talking in which I plan to engage will be if I feel prompted to again schedule a private session with the Chocolate Shaman (I really expect that will happen).

Throughout our 40 days, Chaty asked us to try to meditate at least seven hours every day. She instructed us to eat healthy, and to mostly eat normal foods through the majority of our silence. We will not be asked to switch to soups and juices until the final seven to ten days. Chaty did ask us, however, to cut out white flour, and to eat smaller portions – giving our digestive systems a slight rest and allowing more energy to be diverted to our spiritual growth.

“Listen to your body.” She emphasized, urging us to maintain our strength.

*  *  *  *  *

Tonight in meditation, we finished the evening with another 21 minute session of harmoniously chanting “Om”. What a beautiful experience to end our first day of silence. I was beginning to feel tired before we started, but as I walked out of the temple at 6:30 p.m., I was literally vibrating with energy. I strolled out to the medicinal garden, kicked my flip-flops off my feet, stood with my arms holding the branch of my favorite tree, and simply inhaled the tree’s energy – energy that was quite amazing.

I continue to develop a close energy relationship with this tree, and other than that one isolated evening last week, the grass below my special branch continues to be free from ants.

*  *  *  *  *

8:30 p.m.

It seems the Universe is playing another game of treasure hunt. As I arrived at the doctor’s home tonight, his wife came out to inform me that their microscope was not functioning today, and they will now be out of town until Monday. I guess I get to wait six more days to find out if I am free from the little internal nutrition seekers.

In the meantime, I trust that everything happens for a reason, and I cannot wait to figure this one out. Now it is time to meditate ….

Sunday, August 15 – 7:00 a.m.

For many reasons, I am three days behind in my writing. Let’s see if I can catch up a bit. Thursday morning began in a normal way, and ended with a sense of magic.

It started off in Yoga with me being silently assertive and doing things my own way. A little over half way through our session, Tom announced that we would be doing some partner Yoga, involving complicated balancing poses with another person. Never having enjoyed these poses, and not wanting to disturb my silence, I simply sat down on my mat and began peacefully meditating, silently indicating that I would not be participating. There were an odd number in the group anyway. After a few minutes I engaged in some individual hip-opener poses while the rest of the group continued on. I was amazed at how peaceful and proud if felt of myself for doing what I needed to do rather than simply going along with the crowd as I always would have done in the past.

Subsequently, during 8:30 a.m. meditation before class, I felt a powerful energy of presence as I basked in the experience of feeling energy dance up my hands, arms, and shoulders. It was a great and magical meditation.

But it was during breakfast where the real magic happened. I was eating a large plate of fruit with yogurt and granola, topped with a little bit of honey. A lone honey bee began cruising by to check out my goods. Soon he performed a perfect helicopter landing on the edge of a small ceramic pot containing honey at the bottom. Over the next thirty minutes I was treated to an incredible show. I watched as the little bee found his way to the bottom of the narrow-necked jar. He seemed as if he had found nirvana – the one and only Disneyland for bees. Then he got himself into a little trouble as he “got in over his head” so to say.

In his excited jubilation, the bee got some honey on his wings and legs. I noticed that he was having trouble flying, and his attempts to crawl up the sloping ceramic side seemed quite futile. Playing lifeguard, I dipped a small spoon into the bottom of the jar, carefully placed it under the helpless bee, and lifted it to safety on the table top next to my plate.

For fifteen minutes I observed with fascination, bee-ing completely in the magical moment, as the little bee set out to clean himself. Repeatedly, he performed circus-like balancing poses on his front two legs while he used his other four legs to try to clean himself. The little guy showed great determination and will power, refusing to give up – all the while I silently cheered him on. Eventually he seemed ready as he gave his wings a few test buzzes. Suddenly, as quickly as he had first arrived, he cranked up his wings one final time, zoomed into the air, and disappeared into the distance.

As I finished my delicious fruit, I was lost in thought about my fascinating show. “How did that little bee know what to do to clean himself?” … “Where did his instincts come from?” … “Who designed his tiny little body, his wings, and his tiny agile six legs, giving him such strength and ability?” … My list of curious questions seemed endless.

As I finished off my fruit, having been aware of many other bees flying around in the interim, I took a glance down into the honey jar. Surprise crossed my puzzled face when I discovered five additional bees literally swimming in the honey below. They were all hopelessly stuck in the honey – as if mired in quick sand. Lovingly, I reached down with my spoon and scooped each one out onto my plate. They were so drenched that a couple of them could hardly even walk, and their wings were stuck to their back. Gently using the tip of my fork, I assisted two of them in separating their wings from their body. Both seemed quite grateful. One was so sticky that every time he rested his wings, one of them stuck back to his body.

For fifteen more minutes I watched in fascination as these new bees struggled to clean themselves. I watched with awe as two unaffected bees landed and began sucking honey off the backs of the others. Making sure that the honey jar was bee-free, I handed it back to the waiter so that he could keep future bees from drowning. The waiter asked if I wanted a clean plate, but I responded with hand signals, indicating that I wanted things exactly as they were.

Watching this incredible show of nature was the magical highlight of my day – filling my morning with the feeling of loving presence.

*  *  *  *  *

The remainder of Thursday brought with it a feeling of spiritual disconnect. I had eaten too much fruit at breakfast – and then a subsequent lunch left me feeling uncomfortable and bloated. The stomach discomfort kept me from feeling alive. For the rest of the day I felt stuck, simply trying to go through the motions. Since I was not in a mood to meditate, I used my time to work on some crafting – using poster board to create the base for a poster/chart of the tree of life – a chart which I hope will help me in my meditations down the road. Finally, late Thursday night, I gave in to my need for sleep.

*  *  *  *  *

On Friday I learned my lesson about not eating too much. Throughout the day I maintained a slight feeling of hunger, eating just enough food to fuel my body, but not so much to give me a bloated feeling.

But I could not quite return to a deep spiritual feeling of presence and connection that I had experienced while watching the bees. Using my time in a productive way, I focused instead on finishing the preparations of my “Tree of Life” poster. I now have ten decorated circles, filled with text and colorful symbolism, representing the ten sephiroth of the tree. I also have 22 small cards, representing each of the 22 paths of the tree. Each card is decorated with all of its associated key words and symbolism for that path. I plan to use these as I meditate on the tree to explore deeper into the subconscious meanings.

But just like Thursday afternoon, Friday came and went in a non-spectacular way. I never really connected to that deep spiritual oneness that I have learned to crave.

*  *  *  *  *

Saturday began just as Friday ended. I continued to go through the motions, not feeling especially connected. Instead, I was feeling rather blah, confused by my indifference, confused by my state of spiritual disconnection. I recognized that I was simply experiencing the low between waves. During this “down time”, I continued to make final additions to my little meditation notebook – my collection of notes on everything I need to focus on during these 40 days.

It was not until right before an early afternoon lunch that I began to connect with what was going on inside of me. In fact, it was a few of the notes that I copied into my notebook that really sparked my inner movement. The notes I copied were Chaty’s original instructions at the start of our Sun Course – telling us that everything that happens to us during these three months is part of our process. She told us to not ignore our bizarre emotions, but to instead explore them and to heal them. She made it quite clear that we would hit walls or veils, beyond which we cannot pass until we heal certain things in ourselves.

“Duh” I told myself as I began to walk over to my new favorite restaurant to order a plate of rice and steamed vegetables. I have been feeling a crazy amount of judgment pop into my head over the past six weeks. It seems like everywhere I turn, things are happening around me that trigger ugly and uninvited judgmental thoughts.

Yes, I have gone through the motions of working through each and every one of these thoughts, remaining the observer, looking in the mirror and refusing to project the causes outward. But the strength and almost continuous nature of these annoying little judgmental thoughts has begun to take its toll on me.

“It is time to look at this – to find out what is really going on.” I told myself as I sat down at my lunch table with genuine desire to find the truth.

I started out by making a list of every single judgment that has been persistently attempting to push its way into my private thoughts. I wrote down everything I could think of that has been trying to shake my peaceful presence. Most items on my list were stupid and petty. Many of them have long since been resolved … or have they? Even though I believed myself to have let go of my silent attack thoughts, such thoughts still seemed to have a sense of eerie power to them.

As I further analyzed the unwelcome intruding thoughts, I realized that almost all of them had to do with judging the appearance, the laziness, the incompetence, the inefficiency, the rudeness, the thoughtlessness, and the loudness of others.

As I stared at my still-growing list of unwanted judgmental thoughts, I became quite humble and confused with myself. My entire focus of the past six years has been to learn to love everyone and everything in an unconditional way – to love and accept things exactly as they are. So why am I feeling so much judgment? Why? Why? Why?

I took another look at myself. Yes, I continue to see everything as an inside job, with me being the cause of my own projected judgments. Check. No, I am not owning or attaching to the emotions. Check. Yes, for the most part, I am successfully being the observer of these UGLY judgments in myself. Check.

Ouch! As I wrote the word UGLY, I was slammed with the realization that a great deal of emotion was wrapped up in that word. Yes, I realized that I am judging myself for feeling judgmental thoughts.

Immediately, my thoughts flashed to my last session with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. In that amazing session, after successfully annihilating a past-life binding contract – a contract to “work, work, work” at being perfect – Keith had told me I would continue to deal with residual self judgment as I processed through the unfolding events of letting go of my “work, work, work” drive.

Suddenly, it all became so clear. Every one of my sensitive judgment triggers is based on perfectionist, self-centered attitudes that I continue to project outward onto others. The overall theme of my judgments is “In my pompous state of perfection, I would do it this way – and that would be the perfect and logical way for others to do it also. If others don’t do things in my old perfectionist way, then they are stupid, dumb, lazy, etc…. Blah, blah blah … “

What I wrote in my notebook while eating green beans and rice is the following:

“Apparently I am still judging myself quite harshly for the reactions that I am experiencing – residuals of an old past-life blood oath contract to work-work-work and do-do-do. I have these subconscious work ethics to achieve, and my head tells me that others should too!!!!! They should be like me – the Rule Robot !!! NO NO NO!!!! … God forbid NO! … I need to stop projecting this sick “old” self! I need to stop!”

I then scribbled in my notebook “That is another judgment” with an arrow pointing to the above statements.

Then, thinking about my recent read of Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”, I realized that now is the time for me to own all of these disowned “dark” parts of myself so that I will stop projecting them outward as not belonging to me.

I quickly scribbled the following list: “I am inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious, and lazy. I am dirty, inefficient, a work horse, a slave driver. I talk too much. I am too loud. I am anal, an annoying perfectionist. I am smelly, too rushed, always in a hurry. I stereotype others, writing off others based on appearance, behavior, and language. I am inconsistent. I am judgmental”

In writing the above, I was not beating up on myself. I was attempting to personally own every trait that my mind, as of late, repeatedly tempts me to project onto others. I recognized that it is time for me to be whole, to re-integrate my entire personality back together, to quit denying cast-off parts of myself, and to instead find the beauty and gifts of these disowned parts of myself.

I remembered a powerful meditation exercise outlined in Debbie Ford’s book – an experience where she asks you visualize a conversation with each disowned part of yourself, giving that part a name, identifying its gifts, what it needs in order to become whole, etc… I began by making what I thought would be a short list. Soon the list had doubled in size. Throughout the day, the list continued to grow as new disowned parts of myself came forward to announce their presence.

Please forgive me if you find your own first name on this list. As I meditated briefly on each trait, the traits pretty much named themselves. In no way do any of these names reflect a real-life relationship with anyone.

The list blew me away with names like: Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Obnoxious Olga, Lazy Larry, Inefficient Ignacio, Judgmental Judy, Better-than William, Snobby Bobby, Sloppy Suzy, High-horse Hilda, Careless Kathy, Pushy Patty, Work-horse Waldo, Slave-driver Sid, Talk-too-much-Tessie, Anal Andy, Ugly Toby, Plain Jane, Perfectionist Peter, Smelly Nelly, Rushed Rita, Hurried Harry, Stereotyping Susan, Serious Sam, Resistant Ralph, Angry Alice, Dominating Dominique, Processing Pruilla, Analytical Al, Princess Brenda, Spiritual Doreen, Righteous Rhonda, Know-it-all Ned, My-way Mike, Competent Connie, Superior Sally, Boring Bob, Mental Mervin, Intellectual Ed, Marion the Librarian, Boisterous Betty, Prim-and-proper Priscilla, On-time Tom, and Dependable Debbie.”

What happened next literally amazed me. I began to follow Debbie Ford’s process, meditating and visualizing a conversation with the first few names on the list.

I ignored the persistent urgings of Perfectionist Peter, Analytical Al, and Intellectual Ed, telling me that I should first organize and categorize the list so as to better use my time. Instead, I just plowed right in at the top of the list.

*  *  *  *  *

As I meditated on Inconsiderate Ingrid, I was surprised by the visual of a spitting image of a former friend – a friend who fit the name perfectly. One of the qualities I had originally admired in this friend was that she managed to get things done, often stepping on a few toes to get there. She plowed right through situations, often thinking only of herself, not thinking about how the situation may affect others. In fact, it was one such situation that literally destroyed my friendship with her, just a few years later, when she asked me to deny myself in order to support her bizarre attack against another person that I love.

I asked Inconsiderate Ingrid just what could possibly be her gift to me. She proudly told me that without her, I would be a wimp. I would allow others to walk all over me, and to use and abuse me like a doormat. She reminded me about my “Sun Course with an Attitude” axiom that is allowing me to be true to myself through my Sun Course experience. “I gave that phrase to you” she proudly told me. “I help you to break out of sick unhealthy patterns – teaching you to do what is needed rather than always trying to simply please others.”

Then I asked her what she needed from me in order to feel whole and integrated. She indicated that she needed to feel loved and appreciated for helping me to make the tough decisions. She asked me to take care of myself and my own needs, to not sacrifice my own needs by being nice to others when it is not appropriate.

As I thanked Inconsiderate Ingrid for her time, I felt a powerful internal shift. I realized that when used with balance, her blessing is indeed powerful and appropriate. A sense of recognition told me that I would no longer project my judgments of Ingrid onto others. If I see others, seemingly being inconsiderate by taking care of their own needs first, I will instead honor that instinct inside of me.

*  *  *  *  *

As I next invited Loud Lucy to sit down for a chat, I was quite surprised when her identical twin sister Boisterous Betty also joined the conversation. What blew me away, however, is that these two disowned parts of my self literally took on the exact form and appearance of a very dear and special friend of mine – my amazing friend Rose.

As I reflected on my friendship with Rose, I realized that one of the most powerful traits that I have always admired about her – that endeared her to me even before we became close friends – was her vivacious ability to laugh and to play – to be loud and boisterous in such an appropriate, joyful, giggly, fun, and memorable sort of way.

Puzzled, I asked myself “How can it be that a trait that I find so disgusting and fearful in myself – a trait that I find myself frequently projecting onto others in a judgmental way – is a trait that I so admire and cherish in my dear friend Rose?”

My mind flashed back to my early youth when I too had felt that joyful, loud, boisterous spirit. I painfully remembered how my spirit had been beaten down by well-meaning others. Much of that joyful spirit was quickly buried under the guise of not allowing my feminine personality traits to surface – trying to blend in and to not draw unwelcome attention to myself – trying to be invisible.

I recalled many times in my life where I had genuinely laughed out loud, only to be told by others that my behavior was loud, inappropriate, irreverent, etc… Over and over again, throughout my life, I have repeatedly pushed this part of myself deeper and deeper into the dungeon, slamming the door and throwing away the key. I realized that even today, the occasion is rare when I allow myself to laugh uncontrollably – for fear that my style of laughing might be judged by others.

Early in my contemplation of these facts, a deep sorrow surfaced from within my soul. I began to sob with grief over how I had allowed this beautiful, joyful, loving, genuine part of my personality to be so abused and suppressed. My jaw began to shake as the tears flowed like a flash flood. For close to thirty minutes I simply curled up on my bed and rolled with the intense sorrowful emotion. The experience was both exhausting and rejuvenating. After finishing, if I hadn’t been in silence, I would have run to the nearest mountain top and screamed out in jubilation “I am free.” No-one will ever put me in bondage again. Then Serious Sam piped in and said “Control yourself, you don’t want people to judge you for inappropriate laughing.”

As the tears died down and I returned to converse with Loud Lucy and Boisterous Betty, I asked them what their gifts were. They reminded me that their gifts are “humor, laughter, healing, joy, friendships, giggles, a playful zest for life, love, self-love, love for others, love for the seeming unlovable – a complete letting go of all judgment.”

As I asked them what they need from me in order to be whole, they answered, “Let us out when appropriate. Let us breathe. Love us, hold us, embrace us, and integrate us.”

Somehow, in the future when I am around others who are being loud and boisterous, I think I will see them with a completely new perspective. Perhaps I will let down my twisted up hair braids and join them rather than judge them.

*  *  *  *  *

Exhausted after talking to Lucy and Betty, I reluctantly asked Obnoxious Olga to take a walk with me.

Almost immediately, I realized that Obnoxious Olga was the spitting image of a former business partner – a woman that I had befriended in the year 2000, several years after my major life transitions – a woman with whom I had felt deeply prompted to invest a great deal of my retirement money in a beauty salon. My former friend ended up abusing my trust, embezzling money for personal use, greatly mismanaging the salon, and launching me on a difficult-but-powerful journey of personal growth and self-discovery.

Even to this day, when I think of this former friend, I see an ugly face that obnoxiously stares back at me, haunting me. Yes, I believe I have healed through the whole situation, and I could actually be genuinely happy and pleasant if I found myself around her in a social situation – but I find it quite interesting that her face still comes up as my Obnoxious Olga face.

I asked Olga what gifts she could possibly have for me. She replied that she gives me the courage to stop thinking, worrying, or even caring about what others think about me. She gives me the courage to be my true self – all aspects of myself – even if they are not necessarily “normal.”

When I asked her what she needs from me to feel whole, she replied: “Stop hating me. Show me a little gratitude. Recognize my contributions to your life. Yes, I am different – not like other normal people – but that is perfect. I am one-hundred percent genuinely ME. Please acknowledge that and learn from that.”

*  *  *  *  *

With my afternoon rapidly disappearing, and my emotional strength quickly diminishing, I decided to attempt one more healing conversation before my 5:00 p.m. meditation. Reluctantly, I invited Lazy Larry to take a walk with me.

As I imagined Lazy Larry, his appearances caused slight judgment in me. His hair was unkempt, teeth not brushed, and clothes were quite sloppy. His tank top was grass-stained, and his beer belly hung out over his wrinkled, worn and tattered shorts. Larry gave me the distinct feeling of someone who loved living the simple life, not driven by appearance or false notions of worldly success. Instead, he just wants to enjoy nature, to enjoy being alive.

As I asked Larry what gift he had for me, he replied “Leisure, relief from work, work, work.” He reminded me that true success is not about money, job, clothes, perfection, or a house with a white picket fence. As I talked to Lazy Larry, I recognized an old friend, but realized that I am still resisting him at times. I could feel the sense of peace and freedom that he offers me in my life.

“What do you need from me to be whole?” I asked.

“Love me. Quit rejecting me.” Larry replied.” You know you want to be more like me, to learn from me – to live off the land – to need less, to do less. I want you to thank me for what I have already shown to you, and allow me to help you even more.”

Somehow, after my conversation with Larry, I believe that I will think twice before allowing myself to look at another human being with judgment about their laziness. Perhaps, instead, I will join them in their quest for simply “being”.

*  *  *  *  *

After meditation last night, I was emotionally drained. I was literally in bed at 6:45 p.m., and actually having dreams before 9:00 p.m. at which time I awoke for my first of many restroom runs.

On this beautiful Sunday morning, as I catch up on my writing, I am actually anxious to find time to sit down with many of my other disowned personality traits. I recognize that, due to the large number of names on my list, this process will take some time. I have no intention of rushing through the list all in one sitting. I don’t want anyone’s time to be shortchanged. I will take as much time as is needed for each part of myself that has been rejected, disowned, pushed away, abused, and ignored.

I already feel so much closer to Inconsiderate Ingrid, Loud Lucy, Boisterous Betty, Obnoxious Olga and Lazy Larry. I realize that each of them has blessed me in so many ways. By embracing these disowned parts of myself, I have already noticed the absence of feeling a need to judge others in which I see similar traits.

I cannot wait to make many more internal friends – and I know that each friendship with my self will only deepen my connection with spirit, serving to remove external projections of judgment onto others.

Let the rest of my day begin.

*  *  *  *  *

On an interesting side note, I started noting my computer began crashing quite a lot about 10 days ago. The crashes seemed to be related to my Mobile Internet USB device. Each time that I uninstalled and reinstalled the device, my laptop resumed stability – for a while that is.

As my silence grew nearer, my computer began to crash ever more frequently. As of yesterday, it got to the point where I found it nearly impossible to use my mobile internet without crashing every five minutes.

I simply giggle as I realize that the Universe is telling me that I am still trying to be online too much. I need to back off and only get online for the bare minimum of time. As of yesterday my internet subscription expired. I am seriously considering letting it stay that way – only going to the local internet café when needed, so that I can post occasional blog entries. I love how the Universe works …

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Before tonight’s writing, I just want to comment that as I read through my last blog posting (Episode 9), I realized that a couple of things were out of order in my account about my experience with Keith. If you received the posting via Email, or if you read it before late Sunday evening, then it was not fully accurate. I fixed the posting so that it is now correct. Basically, I just slightly rearranged two or three paragraphs to explain that Keith only asked me to look for some type of a contract in my visualized basket AFTER I had told him I felt as if I were wrapped in chains.

And now, on with tonight’s writing …

Monday, August 9 – 7:00 p.m.

Friday I was totally drained after having had my amazing “destroying a past-life blood contract” experience with Keith, the Chocolate Shaman. I felt a strong sense of lightness inside of me, yet for the second night in a row I had not slept, hardly at all. After staying up late while finishing my writing on Thursday night, my mind was wired with thinking about the events that had taken place. I finally gave in to sleepless exhaustion at 11:00 p.m. when I took a half sleeping pill – yet I awoke again at midnight, eyes glued open and my brain once again active. I simply tried to relax and meditate, but without much success at either.

Still awake at 2:30 a.m., I followed a prompting to listen to a recording of my third channeling session (out of five total) with Trish, one that took place in December of 2008. That session had never connected with me previously, but it seemed to speak deeply to me now – telling me that the only thing I need to do to solve problems and to answer all my ego-based questions was to do things in my life to raise my vibration levels. The rest would take care of itself. Imagine that! Perhaps I am finally learning that lesson more than 20 months later.

At 3:30 a.m., still wide awake after thoroughly enjoying my last hour listening to Trish channel for me, I began listening to some very soothing inner-child music. I think I finally drifted off to la-la-land around 5:00 a.m., only to awaken again by 6:00.

A strong headache haunted me all day long, and by mid afternoon I began to feel considerable nausea. I did not recognize the nausea until I attempted to eat one last pre-40-day-silence meal of hamburger and fries. Instead of delightfully consuming my coveted meat-treat, I found myself staring at an almost-full and barely-touched plate, realizing that if I took one more byte I would likely loose what little I had already swallowed.

That evening I felt even worse as I skipped meditation for the second night in a row, and headed back to the Doctor’s home, asking if he had any pro-biotics or the equivalent in his pharmacy.

As I lay in bed Friday evening, feeling absolutely miserable, I suddenly recalled my “there is a big difference between pain and suffering” lesson. Almost instantaneously I shifted into the realization that “Yes, my body is sick, exhausted, and simply wants to wallow in misery – yet my mind is perfectly healthy and whole.” Remembering that suffering over the physical condition of my body is simply a choice, I immediately chose peace and a joyful attitude rather than an emotional pity party.

With a great deal of determination and willpower, I began to spiritually ignore my pain, and instead I meditated on loving peaceful thoughts, finding gratitude in my heart for everything presently going on in my life. Then I began searching for possible positive and happy reasons as to why my body might be guiding me into some downtime.

As I continued this line of meditation, I recognized that this would be a great opportunity to let go of perfectionism, to simply stop studying while doing so with no guilt, to skip all meditations and yoga, and to just vegetate for a few days (or as long as recovery might take) – doing whatever I wanted to do or was mentally capable of doing, and no more.

*  *  *  *  *

Saturday was one of those days where I could easily have remained in my pajamas for the entire day – except for the fact that there was no way I was going to miss my 8:30 a.m. class. I love my morning classes. By Saturday evening, after 24 hours of pro-biotic pills, I had managed to eat a half bowl of rice for lunch and a half bowl for dinner. I was quite pleased with my stomach-stability progress. Other than my morning class, two meals, and many restroom breaks, my entire day was spent lying in bed – simply resting.

Yes, I my body still insisted throughout the day that it was miserable – but in my mind I continued to find relaxed and peaceful presence. I actually enjoyed my day of rest.

*  *  *  *  *

Early Sunday morning, I awoke with a vivid dream. It was not one of those earth-shattering life-changing types – yet it stood out for me just the same.

The dream was similar to many I have had throughout my adult post-schooling life. I dreamed that I was hurrying off to school to participate in some type of class. As I proceeded on my way, I suddenly remembered that I had previously enrolled in three post-graduate classes at Brigham Young University (BYU). As I focused on the issue, I realized that the semester was almost over, and I had never attended any of those classes – not a single one. I began to feel panic as I pondered the possible effects to my transcript, even though it was obvious to me that I was not in a full degree program.

My initial tendency was to blow this dream off as a silly meaningless fluke. I used to have such dreams through most of my adult post-school life. I never tried to interpret them, and never paid any attention to them. About the only thing they did for me was give me a feeling of panic – panic focused on how an ‘F” on my transcript (for non-participation) would affect my GPA and my public image.

Early Sunday afternoon, however, internal promptings reminded me of the dream, insisting that I focus on it for a while. The first thing I realized is that previous similar dreams had ceased when I returned to University to get my Masters degree at the beginning of 2006. Then, merely seconds after beginning to actually meditate on possible meanings, the answers flooded into my awareness.

It was all so obvious now. The dream was symbolically telling me that prior to my birth I had agreed (enrolled) to study certain things while pursuing my spiritual path during this lifetime – and that as of yet I had still failed to attend even a single class. As this message so powerfully resonated, I immediately began to soul-search as to exactly what subjects I may be ignoring.

My mind went almost immediately to the subject of “Sacred Geometry”. During my first long discussion with my friend Michiko in Playa Del Carmen, nearly one year ago, she felt strongly prompted to tell me “Oh Brenda, you really need to study Sacred Geometry.” I briefly glanced at a web site, found it fascinating, bookmarked the site, and then never returned.

Right before my Sun Course, Sandra told me that she had been reading about Sacred Geometry and was finding it fascinating. As she shared her experience with me, a strong prompting vibrated in my soul, peaking my interest, telling me that I needed to do the same. Again I bookmarked the thought in my mind, and promptly moved on.

Several times over the last 6 weeks I have thought about Sacred Geometry as I have heard other people make reference to it, but each time I stalled – I was too busy reading required materials to spread my time out on other non-essentials.

This morning, I walked out to find Sandra, told her about my dream and my interpretation – telling her there are things I still need to be studying before and/or during my silence. Then I asked her for her for the name of the Sacred Geometry book that she loved the most. She is in silence so she could not answer, but she wrote the title down for me.

To make a long story short, the book comes in two volumes and only the second was available in our library – yet I found out who has the first one and they are willing to loan it to me on a temporary basis. As I thumbed through the second volume, there is no doubt that it is the very one I need for now. I already noted that the book has many references to Pythagoras, and to Davinci’s Venusian man images (nude man laying in a circle) – both of which caused me to shiver with recognition as I realized the connection to my own spiritual guides – and then I noted a meditation technique detailed in the back that is based on Sacred Geometry. A brief visual scan powerfully confirmed that this technique was discussing the meditation energy that I have been periodically experiencing ever since my last five days of silence – the one that I was embarrassed to mention as being quite pleasurable.

I don’t plan on reading this book in its entirety – I plan to intuitively select parts that jump out at me, and to then use short reading episodes as  “gasoline” to fuel my spiritual fire during my long meditation periods over my 40 days. I can’t wait to get started.

*  *  *  *  *

By Sunday midday, my physical body continued to feel slightly weak, but my appetite was considerably improved. I still ate like a skinny bird, but was actually able to consume an entire bowl of rice for lunch. The pro-biotics seemed to be working miracles, and my physical spirits were greatly improved.

By evening, I actually wanted to attend meditation, and was very pleased by the outcome.

The first thirty minutes – while sitting upright and cross-legged – were quite the uphill journey through frequent thoughts of future and past – but I finally achieved a state of deep peaceful relaxation filled with the loving emotion that I now consider to be an essential part of my successful meditations. But it was not until the second half of the session that I found my real groove.

It was another evening of meditating on an “Angel Card” – cards containing names of spiritual virtues. For some reason, I just knew that I wanted the “Joy” card, but I also told myself that I would be thrilled to get something like happiness, peace, presence, etc…

As Jane (our meditation leader for Sunday night) walked around the room allowing people to choose a card from her little container, I went into deep meditation, asking for advance guidance on which card to choose. Seconds later, a simple little intuitive feeling (call it imagination if you will) told me to select the third card from the back. I began to question “which end of the little container will be the back?” Spirit just seemed to laugh at me as my intuition responded with “when Jane places the little ceramic box in front of you, the back will be the part furthest away from you.”

When the box was finally placed in front of me, without even waiting for more intuition, I flipped to the back of the cards, pushed the last two out of the way, grabbed the third, and was shocked to see the word “JOY” staring me down. I just smiled a huge smile, muffled an internal giggle, turned my mat sideways, and reclined on my back with my head toward the center. What are the chances of pulling that exact card out of a little container containing at least 50 other cards, probably many more than that?

Throughout that beautiful meditation, I completely relaxed my body as I passionately embraced joyful and loving emotions of all types, bringing every possible joyful memory into my mind as a way to fuel this powerful emotion.

As I did this, I noticed a very tingly and familiar energy begin to work its way up my legs (from my feet), stopping right at my root chakra area. Just as before, the energy was quite pleasurable, but would not continue through the rest of my body. Then I noticed the energy work its way up from my hands, stopping at my elbows.

“What do I need to get this energy to flow further up my spine and up my arms?” I asked myself. I began to focus on deeper relaxation, and on mentally coaxing and “willing” the energy to gradually continue. First I focused on my arms.

After about five minutes of focused concentration, I felt the energy begin to gradually work upward from my elbows, now creeping into unfamiliar territory, the energy took on a new twist, reminding me a little of how it feels when blood rushes back to a sleeping appendage – but even more unique. The sensation is difficult to describe – kind of like when you squeeze a plugged bottle of ketchup. As soon as the pressure reaches a strong enough point, the ketchup will burst through the blockage and spurt out of the spout. The energy in my arms felt as if pleasurable electrical pressure was building up in plugged passages, and then one by one bursting out through to my skin for the first time in a very long time (if not ever). As the experience reached my upper arms, the sensation was so powerful that I felt as if the sleeves on my white blouse were blowing up in the air with each burst of energy (as if a puff of air) and then landing back on my arms. Not wanting to spoil the moment, I never actually looked to see – but intuition tells me that my sleeves were not moving – that only the energy in my skin itself was moving powerfully, giving me the sensation of exterior movement.

Feeling thrilled at what I was experiencing, I was determined to see if I could get the energy from my legs to continue up past my root chakra. Using the same concentration techniques, I pushed the energy with all of my will, encouraging it move. Ever so slowly I began to feel the mildly-pleasurable energy fill my abdomen from bottom up. With constant focus, repeatedly returning to my emphasis on joyful loving emotion, I finally felt the energy reach the bottom of my rib cage.

“Ding”. Jane gently rang the brass edge of her small Tibetan bowl to signal that our time was up.

“No,” I silently exclaimed, “I am not done.”

I wanted to write in my journal last night, but I was even more excited to continue my meditation experience – so after gobbling down my second full bowl of rice for the day, I returned to my room to pick up where I left off. I returned to my meditative state of pure joyful and loving emotion, envisioned the energy, and easily coaxed it to work its way back to the top of my arms and to the bottom of my rib cage.

At that point I had to sink back into deep focused meditative (but joyful) effort. Gradually I succeeded in bringing the energy all the way to my neck, filling my entire chest cavity – but I seemed to hit another wall at that point. Nevertheless, I was thoroughly pleased with myself for what was for me an amazing accomplishment in using intuitive energy.

Little did I know that I was only beginning! After a few minutes, I felt the sensation of what seemed like a heavy soft pillow pressing down on my chest, right above my heart, but encompassing my entire rib cage area.

Immediately, my memory flashed to my first private session with Keith (Chocolate Shaman) in which he guided me through the merging of some energy from my higher self. Intuitively, I trusted the feelings telling me that this was more energy from my higher self, now ready to merge with me, signaling its presence and simply waiting for my permission to proceed.

The old me would have never felt the energy presence in the first place, and certainly would not have invited it in. The new me simply grinned and said, “Wow, let’s see where this goes.”

With love in my heart, I embraced the energy, inviting this part of my higher self to rejoin with my physical shell. Gradually, the pressure on my chest seemed to lesson as I intuitively felt that the merger was taking place. I cannot say that I felt any changes taking place inside my body, but my newfound energy awareness was definitely telling me that this was real.

Within a few minutes of the energy completing its merger, I again felt the presence of another heavy soft pillow pressing down on my heart chakra. Again I invited it in, with similar results. I began to feel the immensity of the amount of energy that I was absorbing, and wondered where it could all possibly fit within the boundaries of my tiny body.

Again, for the third and fourth times, the same experience repeated itself, at which point I began to ponder “Will all of this energy be focused on my heart chakra and chest area?”

Minutes later, I giggled with amazement at the confirmation to my question. This time I felt a very subtle but heavy pressure pushing down on my forehead and face. I simply smiled and joyfully embraced the slow merger process.

I stopped counting, but at least three or four more energy pillows then took turns merging back into my heart chakra. I felt gratitude that in answer to my question, one energy pillow had been sent to my third-eye chakra, but intuitively knew that the majority was aimed right at my heart. I continued to wonder with amazement, where all of this huge expansive energy could ever possibly fit.

*  *  *  *  *

I had stopped watching the clock long before, so I have no awareness of time. I specifically remember at one time asking spirit to not pull any punches, to give me whatever I could handle, whatever I was ready for. But after a great amount of this process, I was reaching a point of exhaustion and I begged spirit to stop, saying, “No more, unless of course you think I need it now.”

I eventually fell asleep, and for the first time in five nights, I slept straight through till around 2:30 a.m., when I woke up in need of a restroom break. (I had been up every hour on the other nights.) As I awoke, I could still feel the energy in my stomach – but I have to admit that I wasn’t quite sure if it was my stomach growling from intense hunger (three bowls of rice, one bowl of oatmeal and one-third hamburger in three days).

After my quick break and a little relaxation focus, I was back to sleep – going straight through to nearly 6:00 a.m.. Again, I felt as if the energy were still lingering.

*  *  *  *  *

Today (Monday) has been a beautiful, relaxed day.

I cannot explain what is different. I feel more peaceful, less driven by instinct, more able to be present without worries about what I should or should not be doing. My appetite is back with a vengeance. I ate three full meals today and still feel hungry. I have downed nearly twice as much water as I normally drink (taking me back to what I actually should have been drinking all along before I got sick) – and I have rarely had to rush off to the restroom with my little-bitty bladder.

I still feel somewhat drained, yet simultaneously energized.

I maintain a deep desire to leap forward in my spiritual journey, yet without the old drive for “work, work, work” and “do, do, do” egging me on.

I still feel mental chatter driving me insane as I begin to meditate, yet I have a deeper awareness of where I want to go, and it seems easier to get there.

I am very eager to discover if this newfound energy consciousness is permanent or something that will continue playing hide-and-go-seek with me.

This is all far too new for me to draw any conclusions about my experiences of the past five days. All I know is that the ride has been amazing, and that I am incredibly tired as I type these final words.

But, as usual, I cannot wait to see where tomorrow leads me. (Or should I say tonight?)

Tuesday, August 10 – 3:29 a.m.

A few minutes ago, I awoke from what has been an off-again-on-again sleep with an energy mildly washing up my spine, just enough to get my attention – just enough to be undeniable.

“I need my sleep.” I exclaimed as I lay their slightly surrendering.

Suddenly it hit me. The Universe/and my guides have been preparing me for years, doing the exact same thing that Keith did for me in two private sessions over the past few weeks. I now understand why everything has been happening the way it has. It would have been so easy for my Spiritual Guides to simply tell me, with words, all of the concepts that I needed to know – but I would never have understood, and subsequently I would never have paid attention in class. No – it had to be a personal experience, one which I struggled to obtain.

Rather than mentally and logically telling me all of the answers to what is going on with my energy and simply answering my questions, my Guides have been patiently standing by in their therapist chairs – patiently guiding me to discover my own answers – patiently leading me toward having my own personal inner experience of what it is that I need to experience. If someone had merely told me with words what I am supposed to know about energy I would never have understood any of it. I needed to experience this slow tedious inner journey exactly as it has been happening. I needed to discover it this way before Spirit could begin to interpret it for me.

I fully realize that I am just barely an infant in my explorations, but my energy awareness is now peaked in ways that words could never have convinced me. In my innermost core beliefs, I knew that others experience such energy, but I never imagined that I could begin to personally connect with the same understanding.

If Keith had told me at the beginning of our last session that I had a past-life blood contract that I needed to destroy, I would have been quite skeptical. I would have wanted to believe him, but would have resisted intensely. Instead, Keith gently pushed and prodded with clues and encouragement – giving me just enough fodder to spur me on until I allowed my own right-brained symbolism to surface inside of me, telling me essentially the same message that he could so easily have passed along to me – but then I never would have learned that I can do it myself.

With each step of my progress, Keith responded with just enough words to interpret what was happening, just enough to keep me wanting more, just enough to satisfy my left brain desire “to know” so that I would not give up in my seemingly impossible quest. At the same time, he was smart enough to never tell me too much until I first opened the next clue by myself. It was all quite ingenious.

As I type away here at 3:30 in the morning, the words are flowing as if being channeled through me.

Last night, as I tried to hurry and post these writings as my latest blog entry, everything went wrong. My internet switched to slow-speed with inconsistent connection loss. I had an inkling that maybe I should wait till morning – maybe there was still more to write – but I was tired and simply insisted that I wanted to post what I had. As internet returned, and I got close to achieving my goal, my computer then crashed. Again, I tried and almost succeeded, and the connection simply disappeared yet again. Finally, I listened to the message telling me go to bed, that there was a tiny bit more to experience and to write before I was ready to post.

Then, after shutting down my laptop, I also remembered two other things I had wanted to write but had forgotten. The first is that I believe my stomach problems were given to me to induce a state of pseudo-fasting in which I was more sensitive to the energy – as if I had been in retreat for several days. It makes so much sense that the Universe wants me to be lean and mean right now as far as my nutrition and my load on my digestive system – helping me to recognize that in this state I am more connected to the energy flows.

The second thing I had wanted to mention is something a woman said to me last night after I finished gobbling down my bowl of rice at a nearby restaurant. As I was talking to Kathy from Blue Lily, another woman whom I had never officially met jumped into the middle of our conversation.

Her words were something like: “I just wanted to tell you that even though we have never really met or connected, I have an observation to pass along. From when I first saw you in San Marcos compared to now, right here tonight, you literally look ten years younger than you did then. I do not know what you are doing in your life right now, but you need to continue doing it.”

I walked away practically floating as I knew exactly what I was doing and why I must look younger. I feel younger, enthused with what is happening, rejuvenated by the connections that are gradually unfolding around me in my personal experience. And I haven’t even begun my 40 days of silence yet.

I’m tired, my intuition tells me I am done with my quick writing burst, and I am going back to bed.

Up Again at 4:00 A.M.

OK, so I was wrong. How can you possibly sleep when it feels as if someone has hooked up my lower back to a very subtle low-voltage electrical shock system, constantly sending a low stream of current into the surrounding muscle tissue, making it twitch and turn ever so gently. It is just enough to let me know that energy events are running around inside of me like excited little toddlers, exploring the boundaries of their play pen, shaking on the walls, insisting that they do not want to take a nap.

I feel as if I am a young child trying to sleep on the night before a huge trip to Disneyland. I am too excited to sleep, yet I know that I will not be able to thoroughly enjoy Disneyland if I don’t sleep first.

I am also being guided that I will wait yet one more day before posting. I begin my silence on what is now tomorrow morning (Wednesday) after our 8:30 a.m. class. I think I will post this entry tonight, along with any additional writing. Then, beginning tomorrow I will start a new series of posts called “Sun Silence: Episode 1” etc…

Tuesday (same day) at 2:00 P.M.

What a beautiful day this is turning out to be. My group just participated in a self-organized pre-silence gathering where we all shared our love and wisdom and song with each other. I am so excited about starting silence tomorrow.

I was going to wait to post, but tonight we are spending the evening together and tomorrow is the day … so the time to post is now.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved

Monday, August 2 – 7:00 p.m.

Just as with Saturday, My Sunday (yesterday) was accompanied by a feeling of spiritual disconnect – a feeling of rebellion toward rules – a feeling of being confused between the messages in my head versus the subtle feelings in my heart.

Throughout the majority of my life, I have desperately adhered to structure and rules. As a young struggling teenage boy, my external behavior was all I could use to prove my worth to the world. I desperately clung to the belief that if I did everything the “right way” that I could be cured, loved, and accepted. All I ever wanted was to be normal and to blend invisibly into society. My biggest terrorizing nightmare was that someone might figure out that I was “different.”

Try as I might (during the last few years) to break free of these unwelcome bonds that have restricted me my entire life, I still have clots of that excessive rule-following blood running through my veins. When I started the Sun Course, I was determined to participate in it with an “attitude” – to do it my way, listening to my personal internal promptings, breaking any rule to which my heart might not fully identify.

What I learned as I began the Sun Course is that there are no rules in the Sun Course, so to say. Yes, we have suggested study materials, and a small amount of structure. Yes, we have classes in which we study Tarot, Astrology, Kabala, etc – but there is no test at the end of the day, no one to tell us if we are doing things right. It is highly understood that this is an individual experience. About the only real structure we have been given is that Chaty asked us to spend our first 50 days filling our head with as much of the related intellectual information as possible. Then, during our final 40 days of silence and reduced diet we will do the exact opposite – we will cease reading and will instead spend our entire day spinning with spirit – meditating, writing, experiencing, etc.

But, nevertheless, even with no rules, I still seem to be subconsciously doing things the way they are “supposed to be done”.

I suspect that a great deal of my struggles on Saturday and Sunday are related to the fact that my dear friend Sandra announced to me in class on Friday that she will be entering her silence ten days early – beginning on Monday evening after meditation. This revelation triggered in me considerable deep emotion and pondering. Just like Sandra, my heart is telling me that I have learned enough – that I need to spend my time spiritually spinning and emotionally experiencing – enough already with the head-learning.

Nevertheless, I attempted to spend my Saturday in study mode – only to find myself constantly resisting – until after evening meditation that is. For me, writing for three and a half hours on Saturday evening was the most spiritually powerful portion of my day.

Sunday started out with beautiful intentions, but I again fizzled. I had a great Skype conversation with my dear friend Jeanette, but the moment my headset was placed on the table I felt my resistance again surface with a vengeance. I was determined to finish reading a book called the Kybalion – a book about ancient Hermetic teachings – a powerful little book that I first read during my Moon Course – one of only two books that are “required” reading for the Sun Course.

During the week I was thoroughly enjoying my reading, but Sunday I had to force myself. Nevertheless, I did indeed finish the book for the second time – but in so doing I felt as if I were beating my head against a brick wall. My soul was telling me that I should be doing something else, and I was not listening.

By evening I was a basket case – feeling totally disconnected from source – feeling as if I would like to just hide out in my room, curl up on my bed, and cry – attempting to access the bottled up emotion that was making me feel spiritually sterile. But instead, I put on my fake smile and participated in a delightful dinner gathering at the Japanese restaurant – a dinner in which our Sun Course gathered to celebrate Sandra’s entering of silence.

At one point in the evening, Sandra looked over at me with a glow in her eyes and commented something like “You’re in a whole different world right now, aren’t you,”

We had talked about my struggle earlier, and I was not all that successful in hiding it. I was trying to be social, to be happy, and to be bubbly, but my heart simply wanted to run away to some remote desert island (or was that dessert LOL) – or perhaps to my bed with a pillow over my head.

I don’t mean to say that I didn’t have fun at dinner last night – I loved my bonding experience with my group – I am deeply grateful that I chose to participate – yet I definitely did not connect as I would have had I been more spiritually in tune with my own soul.

During dinner, a huge cloudburst drenched the surrounding area. Yes, the outdoor eating area of the Japanese restaurant is covered, but we were still getting considerable spray from the sides as rain blew through in horizontal splatters. At one point I had deep memories of Tropical Storm Agatha just two months ago – the rain was every bit as intense as the strongest bursts of Agatha – even more so.

The normal path back to the Pyramids from the Japanese restaurant is to walk down onto the muddy soccer field and to then wind around through dark, un-lit narrow, muddy paths through a jungle trail that then joins up with the main paved sidewalk through town. At my suggestion, with thoughts of avoiding the dark muddy water-puddles, our group instead took a different route – a detour up a path that took us first into the center of San Marcos.

As we connected up with the upper part of the main north-south sidewalk, we were quite shocked to find a small rapidly-rushing stream running down the sloped sidewalk. The water was swift and furious, but only about three to four inches deep in most places.

I quickly removed my hiking shoes, opting to go barefoot rather than to soak my only pair of non-flip-flops. As we traversed the unexpected stream back down the hill toward the pyramids, the energy we felt all along the path is that something big was happening further up the valley. One rumor from people along the way indicated that the river had jumped its bank and was forming a different channel. A few of our group even began to worry about whether or not we were safe in the pyramids. Sandra and I, who had both been here during Agatha, assured the others that we would be fine where we were at.

As I arrived back in my little pyramid dwelling last night, I was tired and my mind was over-stimulated by the evening’s unexpected events – both of which were great reasons to not do the writing I had hoped to do, but to instead simply crash on my pillow, still without having given myself a soapbox on which to process and to release my pent-up emotions.

*  *  *  *  *

Today (Monday) started out very much as an emotional repeat of yesterday. I began the day as I usually do, with my 7:00 a.m. yoga class. I am very pleased with my gradual progress from having completed two and a half months of yoga training. I can definitely tell that my body is increasingly more flexible, while my muscles are more agile and less shaky. When I began my Moon Course, I had a difficult time even sitting up straight for 30 minutes without my back aching. When I began meditating cross-legged in my Sun Course my hips were totally locked up and my back was killing me with sharp pain – yet I pushed through both experiences. Now, I can sit up straight and cross-legged without any back-pain whatsoever. Yes, my feet still begin to go to sleep after about 20 minutes, but I continue to see gradual improvement every day.

Chaty has been absent from classes for a whole week, and today was her first day back in our 8:30 a.m. class. We had heard that she was suffering from back pain, but today, in a delightful personal sharing session, we found out the true story.

Several times over the last couple of decades, Chaty has had episodes where her back has gone out – forcing her to lay flat in bed for a week or two. Each time this has happened she has been blessed with abundant free time with which to spiritually fly while receiving new channeled messages.

Chaty explained to us that when her back goes out, it is as if the slipped disk in her spine opens up a doorway or a portal to the hidden worlds, allowing her to go deeper into new growth. She told us this morning that she has been receiving instructions regarding a new post-Sun-Course retreat that she will eventually put into practice. When we asked for details, she just smiled and indicated that we will have to wait.

She also asked for our blessing and patience – telling us that she is going to continue her spiritual “spinning” for one more week. She explained that beginning this week we will be learning a new therapy technique involving crystals and small amounts of massage – and that Kathy (a licensed massage therapist and one of the incredible staff here) will be a much better teacher for this week’s lessons.

As I pondered Chaty’s words – words where she expressed a deep recognition of the blessings that come with her back pain – I was inspired with many realizations about my own situations with bugs – bugs biting me on the outside and bugs sucking my nutrition on the inside. It hit me that these are both great blessings, causing me to alter my normal life-style in one way or another – causing me to do things differently than I might normally do – bringing me new growth opportunities which I might miss if I were to go about my future days as usual.

I honestly believe that my parasite medications are making me feel a little loopy and disconnected. And I believe that the effects of this disconnected state are causing me to do some deep emotional soul searching – causing me to reevaluate my continued focus on my mental book-learning binges – causing me to recognize that my soul is crying out for a change of diet – a diet balanced with more rich spiritual/emotional connection and with fewer of those bland mental tidbits. Perhaps if I were not on these parasite medications I would have felt mentally strong enough to continue hitting the books – perhaps missing out on opportunities that will only surface once I shift my focus to the heart space.

But I am getting a little ahead of myself.

After class, and after my late breakfast, I took a walk through San Marcos to survey the storm damage from last night. I half expected to discover a plugged up river channel, overflowing with new boulders pushed down by a large flash flood. Instead, I discovered muddy streets through the center of town. The basketball court in the very center was covered in several inches of gushy mud. The homes above the park which is just above the basketball court were heavily flooded, but seemed to suffer very little structural damage.

As I walked by the river channel, noticing no damage whatsoever, I was feeling puzzled by lack of seeing a source for the water flow. Just as I was turning to walk away, I heard someone calling my name. It was Michelle – a beautiful woman who is the same acupuncturist who led our group experience on Saturday – the same woman who sometimes leads our Sunday meditations at the pyramids. To make a long story short, we had a long and delightful conversation. I learned that a flash flood had come down the mountain, following a different path (not in the river channel), coming down through the center of the upper valley, flooding several of the homes above town. Michelle told me that Sam’s old home – the same one in which I received Reiki training in May – was filled with several inches of mud. Several people in the area near that home had to wade through waste deep water last night to escape the unexpected fury.

But the part of my conversation with Michelle that inspired me was her words regarding her own experiences in the Sun Course – words where she validated my needs to follow my heart and to do it my way. She also gave me some great pointers to help me maintain focus when attempting to astral travel. Overall, I feel as if I was guided to bump into her, and that the conversation was critical in helping to turn around my moods and attitudes.

I soon returned to my room with intentions to just meditate and to reconnect with my heart’s desires. As I began to immerse myself in quiet time, the first prompting that came to me was to pull out my Tarot deck and to do a large pyramid shaped spread, representing my current status in my Sun Course Process.

Wanting some detailed guidance, I opted to pull seven cards for each side of my three-sided pyramid layout – one side representing past, one for present, and one for future. The seven cards for my past were quite powerful – showing that I have moved through great emotional and spiritual growth and closure, reaching a state of powerful love, emotional clarity, forward movement, spiritual connection and shifted perspectives.

The cards for my present and future seemed to make sense, but were slightly confusing as I stared at them. Just at that moment, I heard Sandra’s voice nearby outside my pyramid. A strong prompting flashed into my head, telling me that I should ask her if she would help me to interpret my cards, adding to my own intuitive insights.

Thirty minutes later, I had my wish as Sandra made her way into my room and seated herself on the floor right beside me. I am always amazed when I work with her by how she seems to ignore the traditional rules of interpreting the cards, instead following her own personal intuition in whatever way the cards seem to speak to her – and they seem to be magic at her fingertips.

I was particularly fascinated by the way she helped add clarity to my other cards. With regards to my “present” I had pulled five very positive cards – but also pulled two cards that I at first rejected. One was a card that indicated emotional struggle and the other was a card that indicated mental conflicts that caused me to lose sleep. As I emotionally pushed these cards away, I quickly smiled at myself as I realized that in all actuality I am struggling right now – struggling with my emotional confusion over the mental stuff that I am trying to force into my head.

Sandra added the much needed extra insights as she pointed out that the mental struggle card was stuck right between a powerful card that indicated spiritual light and guidance and another powerful card that indicated deep subconscious connection. She smiled as she pointed out that the mental battles going on inside of me were standing right in the middle of these two great spiritual gifts – preventing me from bringing them both together.

Then, as we examined the next seven cards for the near future in my process, it all made sense. The first card was a powerful, but unwanted card that implied knowledge and authority – mental stuff that I wanted to reject. Sandra helped me put that card and the remaining six in perspective, making all he remaining cards tell an obvious and beautiful story – a story telling me that I had great strength backing me in the intellectual area as I faced the many confusing emotional choices placed before me, but that I would find the spiritual valor and courage to plow through this confusion, finding true Temperance (something that has been coming up for me a lot lately), bringing my mental battles to an end, with great emotional completion.

Another thing I just absolutely loved about this reading is that the top card of the pyramid – along with both cards on either side of the top – were all Queens. In the middle was the Queen that I chose to represent me – the Queen of Pentacles, reigning in the beauty of physical nature with her feet rooted firmly in the soil. Adjacent on the right – the very first card I pulled for the “past”, was the Queen of Cups – representing great clarity and dominion over the emotional world. Adjacent on the left – the very last card I pulled on the cards representing the “future” – was the Queen of Wands – representing great clarity and dominion over the spiritual world – something which I am earnestly seeking. I thought it extremely appropriate, given my lifelong journey with gender, to have three powerful queens sitting right at the top of my reading.

Once Sandra left my pyramid dwelling, I was fully back in the present moment, determined to end this silly internal mental battle raging in my head, and to instead reconnect with my heart – honoring the commitments that I made about my time here in San Marcos. I am not here to please Chaty or anyone else – I am here to follow my own heart – to achieve my own personal internal growth – to connect with meditation in a way that has a proven track record of working for me rather than beating my head against a tree trying to do it someone else’s way. (Attempting to meditate on my breath has again begun causing me great mental resistance.)

Amazingly, as I wiped away the few tears that came up, I felt great clarity in my decision to again be true to my own heart rather than trying to do what I believe someone else wants me to do.

With new-found peace, I walked to lunch and decided to break all the rules. I have been back on a vegetarian diet for a little over two weeks – but I ordered a burger and fries at the only restaurant in all of Central America where I have actually loved the burger and fries. The fries are to-die-for, and I was craving them. As I sat waiting for my order, I had a delightful hour-long chat with Carlos, my now-friend who is the owner of the restaurant. Our conversation always had a spiritual twist, but he initially took it in the direction of discussing the troubles in the world. Listening with a loving smile in my heart, I patiently waited for the right moments to respond. Then, using Carlos’s own previously-made spiritual comments, I gradually brought peace and closure to the discussion.

I discussed with him about my experiences with the Olmec Shaman who held me in his arms and told me “Brenda, there is a big difference between pain and suffering.” I then applied this concept to the state of the world condition, reminding him that he himself had said something similar – that the situation in the U.S. today is causing many people to reevaluate their lives and to focus more on a spiritual path toward enlightenment. I reminded him that yes, the world seems to be a mess, but suffering about that state is a choice that we get to choose. I was quite proud of myself for the way I flowed in this conversation. Lately, I have been having a lot of fun with these lunchtime conversations with Carlos.

As I finish my writing on this beautiful Monday evening in San Marcos, I am once again at the top of my spiritual roller coaster ride. I know that there will be many more exciting ups, downs, and sharp turns in my thrilling roller coaster ride of life – and I am determined to experience each of these with an attitude of love and joy.

Tuesday, August 3 – 7:50 p.m.

Last night as I tried to go to sleep, my heart was racing as I recognized all the familiar physical signs of a panic attack. What is strange is that while my body was showing signs of panic, my mind was rooted in deep peace. For several hours I simply observed my body while pondering about my recent session with the Chocolate Shaman – focusing on the energy events going on inside my mind. I repeatedly imagined myself lovingly coaxing my scared physical body to surrender and to trust. My intuition told me that ego was throwing a fearful temper tantrum. Ego’s grip is constantly slipping away, and it probably feels quite frightened as I plow forward in an attempt to make it no longer relevant.

I never did figure out what the subconscious issue causing the physical panic might have been, and around midnight I succumbed to a mental need for sleep. After taking a light sleeping pill to calm my body, I was soon off to unconscious dreamland. The amazing thing about last night’s roller coaster ride is that even with the rapid heart beat and churning stomach, I never left a peaceful emotional state – not once.

This morning, in our 30 minute meditation before class, I achieved a deep spiritual connection. Rather than simply focusing on my breath, I instead focused my entire time on the unconditional love and gratitude that I feel in my heart for family and incredible friends. One by one, I pictured the faces of my loved ones, feeling their energy, connecting with their hearts, focusing on powerful loving memories.

During the last five minutes, joy-filled tears of gratitude streamed down my cheeks. I once again found my meditation groove. I powerfully realized this morning that the reason my meditations have been dry and sterile as of late is that I was doing the meditation from a mental perspective. I had been focusing on my breath using the left brain logical mind to do it. This morning, my soul powerfully reminded me that the secret to spiritual connection is through the heart and the right-brain consciousness. After this morning’s breakthrough, I plan to again try focusing on the breath, but doing it from a deep loving perspective rather than from a logical perspective.

I don’t know why this lesson has been so hard to learn. I have internalized it many times in the past, but every time I have gradually slipped back into the mental traps. Hopefully I will remember my insights for a little longer during this spiritual growth cycle.

*  *  *  *  *

I continue to get occasional free allergy shots, but I am starting to recognize that they seem to be happening sometime during the day rather than under my sheets at night. This evening, as I took a visual inventory of my red itchy blotches, I also realized that the vast majority of the bytes are on my right side – right arm, right leg, right side of the chest, etc… Hmmm, I wonder what that means. Sounds like a question for meditation. I wonder if all of these bites are somehow related to my left-brained mental battle – relating to the ride side of my body.

At this point, I am still hoping to resolve the matter from a spiritual perspective, but am getting very close to making some physical adaptations – perhaps buying some bug killing spray, for sure sending all of my clothing to the local laundry so they can be run through a wash and a hot dryer (to hopefully kill any hiding bugs).

*  *  *  *  *

Another issue that has been causing me mental battles as of late is that of mold and a general mustiness in my room. All put together, the frequent heavy rains, combined with the darkness of the rooms and the unpainted wooden walls all contribute to creating a great environment for the odiferous little spores to flourish. Mine were a light powdery-white colored variety. For weeks I have been simply ignoring the growing situation, considering it inevitable and unavoidable. But during the last few days I have also begun to realize I need to do something about it rather than simply practice Temperance.

I planned to just buy some chlorine bleach spray or something similar to spray on the walls, but yesterday I felt prompted to briefly ask Irma at the front office for advice on what I should do.

“I will come over tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. to wash and disinfect your walls” Irma had told me.

Instinctively, a deep feeling inside told me to not get too attached to the timing of it all, but the logical part of me – the blessing and the curse – blocked out my entire afternoon, even postponing lunch so as to be in or around my room at 2:00 in the afternoon.

*  *  *  *  *

In the meantime, I returned a couple of books to the pyramids library and asked for recommendations of something more delightful to read than all the heavy stuff that I have been reading as of late.

The librarian, Tom, acted surprised by my desire to deviate from our standard course material, to which I replied “I am done reading that stuff. I need to find something to focus on that will make my heart sing.”

I walked away with two books that came highly recommended. The first is a delightful little book called “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. The second is “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.” The first was calling to me, even though I had already listened to it on audio tape about six years ago.

I was amazed as I began rapidly speed-reading through the early sections of the book. The book pretty much teaches exactly what I believe about everything being an “Inside Job” projected outward – with the world we see being a mirror of our own inner states. The refreshing thing is that the book does it from an entirely different perspective that immediately began causing me to do some deep thinking.

Little jabs began hitting me left and right, pointing out areas where I still project my personal issues in some very strong ways. The one that came to mind in the most powerful awareness today is an issue I have been dealing with for 13 months now – the fact that nearly everyone (the local and indigenous people) in Mexico and Central America seems to snub their nose at appointments and schedules, showing up when they feel so inclined to do so, and not a second before.

As I was reading the book and thinking about this issue, my inner resentments were building as I witnessed Irma and Maria walk out to an outdoor table at 2:05 p.m., carrying their lunches. They sat there eating and visiting for over thirty minutes without showing the slightest concern for my time – for the fact that I was waiting for them.

On the outside I was being very patient and loving. On the inside I was struggling to push down the negative energy and judgments.

“How dare she make me waste my afternoon when I could be doing so many other things other than to wait around for her!” My ego pompously pounded its chest in the depths of my inner thoughts.

In the meantime, I simply observed my bizarre emotions and judgmental feelings. I began to ponder what Debbie Ford was telling me in the book – stuff I already know but apparently don’t fully practice – telling me that if I feel emotionally charged up about an issue it is because I struggle with that issue myself.

“I don’t make commitments to other people and then stand them up.” I told myself again with a denying smug attitude.

Then, after a few more minutes of pondering and continued self-introspection, I hit upon the truth … “But I do make commitments to myself and then stand myself up … and oh, how I long for the personal permission to not take my own life in such a structured, scheduled, perfectionistic way … to simply blow off and postpone an appointment because my heart wants to do something else.”

In fact, the whole mental battle I have faced this week is highly related to the idea of keeping commitments that I have with others (the Sun Course), while not keeping the commitment I have with myself – a commitment to be true to inner promptings telling me to do things my way.

To make a long story short, at 2:40 p.m., I bit my tongue, lovingly walked over to interrupt Irma at her outdoor lunch, and politely told her that I would be glad to clean the mold myself if she could just loan me the supplies and show me what I need to do etc… and then I mentioned that first, I wanted to go get some lunch because I as starving.

She lovingly smiled and responded “That would be fine … yes, go get some lunch … we will wait for you.”

I felt really proud of myself as I walked away and had a burger and fries for the second day in a row. Meanwhile, I continued to read my new book-of-the-day, continuing to process my emotions even further.

By the time I returned to the pyramids at 3:30 p.m., I was centered in a place of deep love. I approached Irma, expecting her to give me some rags and antiseptic solution of some sort – but five minutes later she was over in my room, insisting that she do it herself. As she worked on the first half of my room, she told me that she would just clean half today and finish tomorrow.

“Can I just borrow the stuff and finish it myself?” I asked her, telling her that tomorrow I want to go to Panajachel, and I really don’t wan to sleep two more nights with the mold.

Bless her heart, she finished it all during the next 30 minutes, still not letting me do it myself. In the meantime we had a great conversation, getting to know each other a little better.

As I look back on the whole situation, I realize that I still have a huge number of emotional hang-ups with which I am dealing – issues that I have carried around in my backpack for so many years that they seem normal to me. I am very grateful for the lessons in love and patience that I learned today – and for the lessons I learned in not projecting my personal issues onto others.

Thursday, August 5 – 4:30 p.m.

One thing that happened on Tuesday – something I forgot to previously mention – is that my friend Katie (from the Sun Course) mentioned to me that she was going to go see Keith (the Chocolate Shaman) for a private session on Thursday morning at 11:00 a.m..

As She told me this, I indicated that I have felt a strong prompting that I need to walk over to his home to make an appointment for myself to go again – something deep inside of me was yearning to be discovered, and I had no clue just what it might be.

Katie suggested that I could walk over with her on Thursday morning to show her how to locate Keith’s home – and that I could make the appointment at that time. This scenario literally felt right and I replied “absolutely,” adding that we ought to do breakfast together first.

“That will give me something to look forward to.” Katie responded with a beautiful smile.

*  *  *  *  *

Yesterday, Wednesday morning after a very long-but-beautiful class session, I made my periodic obligatory half-day boat trip to Panajachel to get enough cash and supplies to last me through my 40 days of silence that begins next Wednesday. I was amazed as I walked down to the boat docks here in San Marcos. With all of the rain that we had in the previous three weeks (since my last trip to the docks and Panajachel) the water level had risen at least another three to four feet.

I’m not including photos here, but if you go back to look at my old post-tropical storm Agatha photos with a group of people standing on a dock that was just about one foot above water – well that dock and the one that is a couple of feet higher leading out to it are both under a heavy layer of water that is at least two feet above the higher dock. The new covered dock which was even higher, and not yet in use at the time, is now about one or two inches above the water line. The slightest waves in the lake wash up over the top. I just giggled and rolled up my pants while walking out to climb into my boat.

A similar situation exists all over the lake, as most boat docks are completely under water. In the main public boat stops, the docks have all been modified in some way in order to make it possible to reach the incoming and outgoing boats. In Panajachel, to get two and from the public boat dock, I had to walk across a two feet pile of sandbags in order to even reach the temporary make-shift dock.

*  *  *  *  *

Last night, after an exhausting day-trip, I went to meditation feeling quite drained, but determined to have a better experience filled with loving emotions and energy.

During the guided-imagery part of meditation, I “broke the rules” by completely ignoring what Kathy was saying as she guided us on dealing with past emotional issues – nothing was coming up for me and I had other things to do. I silently asked the many spiritual guides who hang out in the pyramid temple if they could help me find some new insights.

The first that came was that it is very important to visualize and work with the Kabalistic Tree of Life as it relates to the physical body (microcosm) – exactly as I had begun to do during our previous five days of silence. Interestingly enough, Chaty has set aside two weeks of our Sun Course time (beginning this week) to learn a therapy technique involving the Tree of Life, relaxing massage, crystals, aura cleansing, etc… My insight during meditation told me to pay close attention to what we learn during these two weeks.

The other flash of unexpected awareness was something that put the last piece in a puzzle for me – I have struggled with the concept of Lucid Dreaming versus Astral Travel, and with the confidence about whether or not I am capable of actually doing the Astral Travel part. Yes, I had my first powerful Lucid Dream last week, but it seemed to happen only when it wanted to, and I still don’t know what I am doing. Suddenly, it hit me as I lay on my mat in the darkened temple – Astral Traveling and Lucid Dreaming are exactly the same thing – both take you out in the Astral realm – the only difference is in how you get there. I had heard Chaty and Sandra both say similar things, but it had never registered until the simple thought entered my mind “Astral traveling is simply entering the dream state without losing your conscious awareness in the process” while “Lucid Dreaming is regaining your consciousness while already in the dream state.”

*  *  *  *  *

I felt quite energized after meditation, and headed out to my favorite tree in the garden to share some energy – a beautiful (to me anyway) tree with which I seem to be developing an intimate relationship (on a spiritual level). As I stood in the same spot where I stand almost every evening, I suddenly felt ants biting into my bare feet. When I looked down, at least thirty or forty of the tiny little black large-toothed creatures were climbing up onto my feet all at once, with many of them already curled up, biting me tightly.

“Ouch” I exclaimed as I quickly jumped up and down, knocking them off my feet, and then ran to a spot about ten feet away to survey the damage. Immediately, a new group of the feisty little critters began to climb up and munch on my feet, again beginning to bite quite viciously.

Dancing around for a second time to clear my feet of the painful predators, I ran to a third spot, another ten feet away. Again, I was immediately swarmed by yet another hoard of six-legged invaders, planting their teeth into my feet. Over the next twenty seconds or so I danced my way out of the medicinal garden, utterly surprised by the ferocity of the little ants in places where I had never before encountered them.

I followed a prompting which said “just leave the garden tonight – do something different for a change.”

As I walked up the path toward my pyramid, I bumped into Katie. Her first words were to tell me that normally she doesn’t normally go out to dinner after meditation, but for some reason she is starving tonight. Within about ten seconds of back and forth conversation, we both responded to mutual promptings, and agreed to go out for a soup together.

In the back of my mind I suddenly realized “This is all a synchronous setup … Tonight’s conversation needs to take place, and the ants were sent to drive me out of the garden just in time to meet up with Katie.” I have given up trying to explain such incidents with rational thought – there is no doubt in my mind that Spirit set up this dinner. She later told me that she had thought of me just moments before I showed up in her path.

Katie and I had a delightful two-hour talk – connecting at a very deep spiritual level. I explained to her about my evening meditation insights, following which she and I just intuitively bounced flashes of insight off each other, back and forth, sharing how our mental-struggle journeys of the past week are so similar, and how our discussion tonight was triggering so much amazing growth in each of us.

I feel such a deepening bond with my new friend Katie – a 29 year old way beyond her years – a beautiful young woman who is going to make a huge difference in the world around her.

*  *  *  *  *

This morning (Thursday), after our 8:30 a.m. class, Katie and I scurried over to enjoy a quick breakfast before arriving at Keith’s (Chocolate Shaman) about 15 minutes late. We both intuitively knew that “late” would be OK. I immediately told Keith that I had come to accompany Katie with the intent to schedule another appointment for myself. After hem hawing around about how busy that he and Barbara will be over the next few days – telling me that she is flying back to the U.S. next week – Keith finally blurted out: “How about today at 1:30 p.m.?”

I just smiled inside, having already felt a very strong feeling that my appointment would be today. In fact, I had already put my extra money in my bag, just in case I did not have time to go back to my room first.  In the meantime, while Katie was in her own two-and-a-half hour session, I scurried around running several quick errands – changing sheets, dropping off laundry, and trying to catch a one-hour nap (I didn’t sleep much last night because I tried really hard to stay conscious while falling into a dream state – the only thing that happened is that I was quite awake until the wee morning hours … LOL)

*  *  *  *  *

As my own appointment started just after 1:30 p.m., I had no clue where it would lead. I explained to Keith that just like our last appointment, I had no idea why I was there – I was simply following a strong prompting and would love to go deeper into my energy experiences.

“Wow, I can tell you came being extremely ready to work.” Keith told me with a look of surprise in his eyes as he told me that he could feel that my internal energy was raring to get started.

“What are you feeling right now?” Keith asked me, as he explained that he was being guided to make me figure out my own feelings before he chimed in to add additional insight.

“I feel a feeling of incredible warmth completely surrounding me.” I replied as I literally felt an excited but peaceful energy vibration hugging me from all sides.

“Exactly,” Keith replied with enthusiasm, “and the name of that energy is Love.”

I already knew that – and I gladly responded to Keith’s encouragement to simply immerse myself in the feeling of that incredible loving energy as it embraced me. After a few minutes, I felt as if the energy mysteriously disappeared, vanishing unexpectedly.

“I feel like when I get so close, I suddenly hit a wall, and get stuck.” I told Keith with a questioning tone. “I have many incredible experiences and then feel that I can go no further.”

We discussed the wall, how it is a normal protection, created by my own higher self to protect me from getting “sunburned” by the light on the other side. Keith explained that we can only tolerate so much increased spiritual light at any one time, and that we need to be patient with the way the energies work with our healing and growth.

Then Keith guided me through a short meditation where we began to play with the wall. He told me to walk right up to the wall and to open up a window to the other side. As I did so, I could feel, and partially see, a brilliant white light pouring in from the other side.

While doing so, I felt a certain amount of peace, but still felt quite stuck. Keith asked me what I thought the wall might represent. After thinking for a while, I responded that it was my attitudes of needing to be perfect, judging myself for my inabilities to go further, plus a fear of what it might mean if I succeed in moving further into the light.

When I said “need to be perfect” in my spirituality, Keith responded “Exactly.” Then he explained something which I already know, and which I just recently read about last week as I re-read the Kybalion. There is a rhythm in the universe. It is like the waves of the ocean. In between every high wave is a low spot. It is perfectly normal to advance in spiritual waves with low spots in between the growth spurts. Then Keith told me something that tickled my inner fancy – the most amazing space to be in is when the waves die down to an inner peace and you can literally enjoy the constant ripples running through your soul – no incredible highs followed by corresponding lows – just constant incoming energizing ripples. I consider this great fodder for future meditation.

As I continued to feel stuck, and as we discussed “taking my spiritual path too seriously”, I mentioned to Keith that this is the same insight that I have repeatedly been aware of for several years – yet I continue to slip into “serious” mode where I feel as if I must work, work, work, at doing my spiritual path the way it must be done in order to get where I need to go.

Immediately our discussion shifted to a discussion regarding the origins of this interesting belief system – my Mormon roots, the incredible example of continuous work ethic given to me by my father, etc…

Then we talked about my deepest desire – that desire being to learn to love unconditionally and to eliminate all judgment in my life.

In a very beautiful and subtle way, Keith lovingly pointed out that I was still judging myself when I caught myself judging others … a very interesting paradox. I knew he was dead on.

Then Keith told me he was going to help me dig deeper, to discover other possible sources of this forceful internal drive to achieve – a drive that often gets in the way of my attempts to simply chill and to be present in the continuous moment.

In another guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a basket in front of me, sitting in my lap.

“Tell me what is inside the basket.” Keith requested politely.

I hesitated, feeling slightly embarrassed, as I finally told him that the only thing that I could definitely feel, and partially see, in the basket was a “whoopee cushion.” I have never liked whoopee cushions, and have felt as if they are bizarre and crude attempt at meaningless humor. We all had a laugh and giggle as I realized that I was being told, yet again, to not take my path so seriously – using the metaphor of a humorous object that the serious side of me does not find to be funny.

Keith continued prodding, implying that there was something else hidden in my basket – but I simply could not see nor imagine anything else inside.

I continued to try to see something else, but nothing came to me other than the feeling that I was wrapped in chains that were binding me and holding me from achieving my goal. Finally, I found the courage to simply tell Keith that I see nothing, but feel as if I am wrapped up in chains.

“Perfect.” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.

“I believe you may have made some type of binding magical contract in a distant past life,” Keith added, “… an agreement that you would work, work, work at spirituality, doing whatever it takes – not only in that lifetime but in all future lifetimes, ending only when you finally achieve enlightenment.”

Then Keith began to get more specific, asking if I could see any type of contract, perhaps a sheet of paper or a scroll, or something like that.

As I tried to again visualize in the basket, I remembered that in an earlier guided meditation, Keith asked me to visualize a past life where I might have been part of some cloistered and secluded group – perhaps a monastery setting, perhaps something else. I felt a strong intuitive sense that I had once belonged to a very secret and devoted group of what felt like some type of monks.

When I told him I still couldn’t see anything else, Keith asked me to again look into the basket. Finally, I told him the only thing I could perceptually sense, but not see, was the edge of what felt like a flat piece of paper in the bottom of the basket. By now, I could definitely feel it there, but could see nothing.

“What is written on the paper?” Keith queried intently.

“I can’t see the face of the paper,” I replied feeling quite silly, “all I can do is to intuitively feel the presence of its edge.”

“Climb up on top of the paper. Do whatever you have to do to see the top.” Keith kept coaching me.

With all of my mental focus, I imagined myself rising above the basket looking down inside. Seconds later, I could actually partially see the top part of the paper where words should be – but in their place were just squiggly lines – little up and down zigzagging lines running between the sides of the paper – looking nothing like words.

“That is great,” Keith continued coaching, “you probably wouldn’t be able to read the words anyway. Now what else do you see?”

As I again focused in my meditation, I finally caught a glimpse – a faint visual image accompanied by confirming feelings, of what definitely felt like my signature – only the handwriting and name were not my name in this lifetime.

“Perfect,” Keith congratulated me. “Now, what color are the words? What are the words written with?”

I struggled to find the answer. I sensed that the words were written in something black – perhaps they had been a different color, but age had turned them black. I simply could not tell and nothing intuitive was coming to me. I continued to focus and focus, still not finding the answer. Finally I answered Keith with a sense of confusion, telling him what I was presently feeling.

“I cannot see any more detail,” I began, “but I am getting the sensation that this agreement was some type of blood oath.”

“Wonderful,” Keith responded. “That is exactly what I was looking for.” He proceeded to tell me that the agreement was indeed a magical blood oath, written in my own blood at some ancient time when I was a member of this secret magical group.

The thought that the agreement might be written in blood had not even crossed my mind. I have no idea where the term “blood oath” came from, other than the recognition that the phrase popped into my intuition and I hesitantly said it out loud.

Keith explained that the magical order I belonged to in some distant past life was a group of devoted people who performed some type of binding magical ceremony where each participant made similar agreements regarding their future lives. I felt deeply that my agreement was that I would continue work-work-working and do-do-doing the spiritual work through every lifetime until I finally achieved enlightenment. He explained that this is where I get my powerful determination and force, accompanied by the self-judgment and guilt that comes with it – guilt that seems to surface whenever I am not “achieving” and surfing on top of the highest waves.

“Now we just have to figure out how to help you break the chains of this binding agreement.” Keith again spoke, explaining that somehow, the magical power put into the agreement in that past life had literally chained me to that agreement throughout every subsequent lifetime – and he indicated that now I had reached a point in my evolution where it is time for me to be free of that commitment and to learn more fully how to simply experience “being” without the pressure of “doing”.

As he said these words, as much as my logical brain wanted to exclaim “No! That is so stupid and silly,” my heart confirmed that he was exactly right. I have never known from where my intense drive for perfection comes. This drive is deeply engrained in my soul – and is part of the main reason why I am still frequently so hard on myself – and why I continue to get so many forgiveness lessons relating to other people not being on time, not following through on time-related commitments (my lessons from earlier this week with Irma).

After going silent and inward for a while, Keith again spoke, announcing that he was being prompted to help me destroy the contract in a very interesting and funny way – a way he had resisted his guides in coaching me to do – but he finally decided to flow with his intuition.

What he subsequently told me did not seem the least bit funny or unusual. He told me that I needed to return to my protective wall and open up the window once again. At that point I would then ask the highest part of my higher self to assist me.

Keith then instructed me to acknowledge to my higher self that I built this wall up to protect myself from being burned by the light – but that now I want the light’s assistance in burning up and destroying the magical spiritual contract that is no longer serving me.

“Hold the contract up to the window.” Keith continued. “Place it into the light so that the brilliance on the other side can burn it up, releasing the chains that bind you.”

For what must have been at least 20 or 30 minutes, Keith and I remained totally silent while I engaged in an inner skirmish that gradually grew in intensity. I did what Keith instructed and put my intentions out to my higher self, asking that the agreement be consumed by the light. As I did so, I imagined my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs that emphasize so strongly that “we don’t heal the darkness by bringing the light to it … we heal the darkness by bringing it into the light” – a very subtle difference, but it made so much sense to me now.

As I continued visualizing myself holding the piece of parchment up to the window, I felt as if the paper would not burn. It was hanging on, physically bound and stuck to me. I sensed its binding energy refusing to let me out of a binding blood-oath agreement. A strong feeling dictated to me, in no uncertain terms, that if I broke that agreement I would be dishonoring my spiritual integrity.

I grappled with the feelings, wrestling with the back and forth emotions of knowing that it was time to be free of that “work, work, work” guilt. Again, my “A Course In Miracles” beliefs surfaced – this time reminding me of the phrase “I need DO nothing” – reminding me that enlightenment is not about accomplishments, it is about waking up from the dream of life, simply being my true divine self (as we all are).

By now, I knew deeply in my heart that today is the time to be free of the chains that I could literally feel wrapped around me in a powerful energetic way. Finally, with continued meditation, I felt as if the chains were stretching and expanding, loosening their grip – but they still hung on like super glue. I tried to imagine myself cutting the cord with this agreement, but it was sticking to me, refusing to fall away and burn.

Finally, a powerful insight filtered into my awareness – an insight filled with the upmost peace and integrity. The insight was this:

“In order to keep this agreement with myself, I need to destroy this agreement with myself. By destroying this agreement in this lifetime, I am actually honoring my former commitment to myself in doing whatever it takes to reach enlightenment. The time is now to learn how to simply BE.”

As these insights flashed through my awareness, I experienced a powerful peace flood my soul – yet the contract would still not burn up or let go of me. With every ounce of energy that I could muster, I silently focused, silently repeating the words over and over with intense internal emotion. “I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement … I need to break this agreement in order to fulfill this agreement.”

I must have repeated these words in my mind for at least five minutes, embracing them with loving and powerful emotion. All the while, I realized that by breaking this agreement, I was showing incredible integrity to myself. In many ways, the experience reminded me of what I went through just last month as I grappled with ending support payments related to my former marriage.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, right in the middle of my near breakthrough – Keith jumped in with a comment. I cannot remember exactly what he said; perhaps it was something like “Yes, now you’re getting it.” But what I do powerfully remember is the tone of voice with which he said it. Keith’s voice was breaking up with deep emotion – almost in tears – as he said those unremembered words.

As I heard his voice, and then responded with increased internal intensity, I too was overcome with the emotion as tears began to stream down my cheeks.  I felt an incredible and powerful clarity of energy forming inside of me. There was no doubt in my mind that this agreement was indeed real, and that I was finally breaking through the final stages of freeing myself from its clutches.

Finally, my intense emotion ended and a sense of calm accomplishment settled into my soul. A slight headache persisted in my forehead – a headache that had been following me all day as a result of very little sleep last night (I had spent many hours in an unsuccessful attempt at astral travel). But, ignoring the headache, I felt as if my soul were hundreds of pounds lighter. The feeling of chains around me was gone. I knew that I was free of the agreement.

Seeking for confirmation, I opened my eyes, tears still dripping down my cheeks, and looked over at Keith, who was just now recovering from his own emotions.

“Am I done?” I asked, hoping to hear a positive answer.

He replied that I would still be dealing with temptations to judge myself, but that yes, indeed, the agreement was gone. I had been successful in an amazing inner journey that he felt privileged to have been a part of.

Later, as Keith, Barbara, and I discussed what had taken place, he explained that at the moment his voice broke with emotion, he was sensing the incredible presence of countless beings from many other dimensions, all being simultaneously healed by my internal actions. Keith added that he sensed an incredible spiritual support system surrounding me throughout the process.

Now, just over five hours after this experience ended, I am still literally blown away by the powerful events. I have asked myself several times if these events were real, or if they were all silly imagination in my right brain. The realization I have come to is that the answer does not matter. I genuinely believe that it was real – but even if it was simply my imagination, I could not have orchestrated a more powerful healing experience.

I feel so much lighter – so much freer – so much closer to my soul. I feel as if the waves in my ocean will now begin to calm, bringing me ever nearer to that blissful state of peaceful waters with continuous gentle energy ripples.

*  *  *  *  *

I have to laugh at myself as I reminisce about last night’s “ant-bite synchronicities” that joined me up with Katie for dinner.

Tonight, as I returned to my room after my mind-boggling session with Keith, I thought to myself that I would love to simply spend my evening writing. I really wanted to meditate on this powerful experience during our group meditation in the temple – but I desired even more so to write about the amazing events while the memories are still so strong and vivid.

But then another part of me – the genuine, but perfectionist and rule-following part – said “But I don’t want to miss meditation tonight.”

Immediately slipping into compliance mode, I prepared to change into my comfortable meditation clothes, giving in to that “I’m supposed to be in meditation” voice.

Then, as fate would have it, I suddenly realized that all my clothes – except the ones I am presently wearing – were still in the laundry, and they would not be ready till after 5:00 p.m.. I had already told the woman doing my laundry that I would just pick them up at 6:30 after my evening meditation was over.

I simply giggled as I realized that all of my comfortable loose-fitting meditation clothing is about a quarter mile away, still spinning around inside of a hot clothes dryer. It became obvious that I would not be meditating tonight unless I wanted to do so in tight, uncomfortable, restricting jeans.

I love it when the little synchronous events of the Universe set me up for success … a success that tonight involves NOT going to meditation group, and instead writing about the incredible experiences of the past two days. I cannot imagine a more powerful way to have spent the last five hours.

Copyright © 2010 by Brenda Larsen, All Rights Reserved