The dog has just realised what Pat intends to do to him when nobody is around.

Yeah, that’s right. And after I’m finished with him, you lot are next.

by Paolo Schmidlin

Sources: 1 2

Very annoying ad; the only thing to do was to make it even more headwrecking.

I Knew I’d seen that style before…

They’re absolutely right. Don’t be driving while on drugs. Go for a nice drive, then pull over and do your drugs at the side of the road, you’ll enjoy them a lot more when you can relax and take your mind off the driving. Then walk home. Or just do the drugs in your house. Keep off the shitty roads. They’re lethal nowadays, what with all the teenage boys zooming about without a care for their own or anyone else’s safety.

If you’ve come here expecting a piece about fruit preserves then may I kindly ask you to fuck off, for what we’re talking about here is a film called Irish Jam. Starring Eddie Griffin, the guy from Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo, and Anna Friel, the actress that loves to do rubbish Irish accents. Eddie Griffin plays a -- actually at this point I’m just going to paste the information in from Wikipedia.

Irish Jam is a 2006 comedy film starring Eddie Griffin. The plot centered around an African American who wins an Irish public house in a raffle, and has to save the village from the clutches of an evil landlord. Despite the bulk of the film being set in Ireland it was not filmed there, nor were the actors Irish, but English.

The film was poorly received in the UK. In its review of the DVD release, Empire called it a “worst possible Eddie Murphy knock-off” and questioned why they still had an evil aristocratic English landlord in 2006, noting it was filmed in Cornwall because “presumably, any attempts to mount stereotypes this broad in actual Ireland would lead to knee-cappings and punishment-beatings”.

The worst reviews and popularity of all were in fact in Ireland. Many Irish critics and viewers disapproved of the movie because it portrayed the Irish people inaccurately as “old, white, unintelligent, with no fashion sense of any kind”. The film also presented Ireland as unadvanced in technology and architecture. One critic said, “Ireland hasn’t looked like this in a hundred years, which was during the famine.”

I wonder which critic wrote that, because I think our famines were a small bit further back. What is this crap all about?, I don’t hear you say. Well Eddie Griffin’s character wins an Irish poetry contest by plagiarising a rap song, and his reward is a pub in a tiny little village covered in shit. Eddie travels over to claim his new property. The village are all out to meet Eddie, and there’s dancing and leppin’ and drinkin with enjoyment as they wait for him to get off the boat. To be honest, the whole village look like dirty paedophiles. And I mean dirty, as in, covered in a lot of dirt. Whoever wrote this tripe was smoking too much PCP.

Of course, the anticipation quickly turns to horror, once the villagers realise it’s a black man! Uh-oh!

Anyway, all this gritty racial tension is quickly swept under the lounge carpet as the village of stinky deformed people unite with the strange visitor to rescue the village from some evil English landlord. The film is a scarily sinister stereotypefest, in which Oirish are people are painted as retarded chimps that live in their own filth. And there’s a few references to black men’s dicks being huge too. It must be the most disgusting looking film in existence, you can almost smell the shit and fumes through the screen. Most of the actors look like they have third degree burns to the face.

Final rating:

0 Orangutans out of 5

You wouldn’t see Duncan Bannatyne doing that. Or Theo Pa-penis.

Lindsay wants to get back to making films again. I haven’t seen her last one.