Beyond Left Field

John Allen Muhammad Meet Oscar Mayer

2009-11-10T08:37:00.000-06:00

Once again my heart yearns for justice-not! Today the commonwealth of Virginia will execute John Allen Muhammad. Under Virginia laws, the soon to be chicken fried Muhammad actually has a choice to make concerning his death. Lethal injection or electrocution? Paper or plastic? Justice or injustice?

After watching The Green Mile for the fourth time, I would suggest that lethal injection would be somewhat better than having your eyes explode. "I didn't know the sponge was supposed to be wet." That's just me though...

Injustice is giving these guys a choice. They don't have a choice in Mississippi. Basically, they don't need one. I think the last time we executed anybody Jefferson Davis was president of the confederacy. That's injustice!

I don't consider being executed "paying" the price. To me when a serial killer is executed I think that a lot of pain should be involved before death. Like letting them choose the food for their last meal. Anything with Oscar Mayer in the name is sufficient. That's not injustice. That's payback!

Do You Have A Hard Drive Brain?

2009-11-09T10:55:00.000-06:00

Wouldn't it be nice if your mind worked like a computer's hard drive? Imagine being able to remember anything and everything and only deleting the bad parts. Then having the ability to click a button and make sure that everything is running smoothly. If not? No problem...scan your brain and fix any abnormalities. Sheesh!

I wonder what the downsides to having such a mind could be. Any? Take crashes for instance. Well, I do that all the time. Basically my mind melts when in contact with too much of anything good, e.g, a hot babe half my age is always a reason for brain farts and then a crash. Taking too much NyQuil...mind numbing.

Hell, so what if my brain melts? I could do a quick fix via a scan or a brain boot disc and...*wham* normal brain function again. Perhaps computers should have come before people. Then maybe this could have happened. The PCBrains vs. the MacBrains! All out war!

It doesn't work that way though. As most, but sadly not all, of us are aware. Today, for instance, I've already looked for my coffee cup twice even though it was in my hand six minutes ago. I put clothes in the washer but didn't turn on the washer. I called a friend and then forgot why.

No rewind, replays, reruns or instant recall of anything. If my brain were a hard drive I wouldn't be here now. I would be sitting in some museum of old, outdated, primitive computers with a picture of a 12 year old Bill Gates holding me in his hand.

The Times

2009-11-08T09:16:00.001-06:00

Once again the staff and editors of The Sunday Suck-Up Times are on a weekend "working" retreat in the working retreat paradise of Cairo, Ill.. I know, I know. We will miss you too. However, the staff has chosen another important and socially relevant news video from our sister information source, The Onion, to leave you with on this Sunday. Please indulge yourself...

From The Onion-America's Finest News Source:

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Jimi, Janis And Bicardi Equals Injustice!

2009-11-07T08:58:00.000-06:00

Speak of injustice? No? Well listen to this... I never was one to study. I mean my study habits, or lack thereof, were a constant problem for me. Oh, my grades were okay but not good. Remember how some people seemed like they never studied but always made the honor roll?

Remember that crap? Cheaters! How about those that would only occasionally open a book but always "aced" their fuggin' exams. Huh? Cheaters!

When it came time to perform well I had to buckle down and study. Study consisted of opening a book. Turn on some Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix, and break the seal on a fifth of Bicardi. Then I would flip through the assigned pages. By the time I finished I was convinced I had done my studying for the night.

I couldn't bust 80 on an exam. Maybe 85 if I only drank half the bottle. Others were out all night with friends, but they were pulling straight A's and 3.7's and such crap! Why was I being targeted by the grades Gods? Was there a conspiracy to force me to work selling lawnmowers at Sear's for the rest of my life?

Seems like such an injustice even now. The people that succeeded are now doctors, lawyers, Wall Street moguls and bankers. Hmm, success doesn't sound so great when I put it like that. I'm not too sure I'd want to be any of those at the moment. I knew the Bicardi was my friend. No cares, no stress, no shit!

The Rodney Dangerfield Of Traffic Signs

2009-11-06T08:33:00.001-06:00

Yield is not an uncommon word nor is it a stranger to drivers. However, with many, if not most younger drivers, the word seems incomprehensible. I'm not sure if the word is foreign to them, but it has to be the most ignored word on the roads today.

Around the local university there are several intersections with clearly visible yield signs posted. Apparently, drivers pulling into traffic seem to believe that's meant for other lanes of cars and not theirs.

Once a student blew a yield sign right in front of me and cut me off. She darted into a parking lot about a block away with me on her tail. I edged up to her driver's side window and asked if she knew what a yield sign meant. Her reply was something like, "Yes sir. It means I can go if I want to." I couldn't help but laugh.

I am not sure if driver's education courses still exist in schools or not. Perhaps they've been replaced by creative cardboard cutout classes or the money is spent funding high school daycare, but students in a hurry to make classes or caught up in a texting frenzy commonly ignore the lonely little yield sign.

It's the Rodney Dangerfield of traffic signs...no respect...!

To The Gay Dude That eMails Me-

2009-11-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

I live by certain rules dictated by homophobia, and then there are the important ones. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is not one of them, however. I have prejudged you. Most of the time I'm wrong, but I delight in judging you and making fun of you. See, it's a way to minimize my faults. I think I'm better than I am if I convince myself that I'm surrounded by idiots and retards. Anyway, back to the homophobic thing...

If I see a guy taking extra "care" picking out cucumbers or zucchini at the grocery then I assume he is probably gay-like you. You will fondle the cukes much like many women I've seen. Me? Being a homophobe, and not wanting to appear gay, I just toss a handful in a bag and hope they're not rotten.

If I'm strolling through a mall, and you are with another guy and are looking at man's underwear together, it's a cinch that you must be gay. Who else but a gay guy would want the "approval" of another guy about his choice of underwear? Oh, and the purple Oprah boxers aren't you!

I don't hate you because you are gay, but I'm not going to sit here and piss down your back and tell you it's raining either. Hell, if I did that I'd be about as useful as chicken shit on a pump handle. No, I'm not going to tell you that I have gay friends. I don't. I don't want any, and lose the Maybelline cookie!

Please, if you are one of the people that may say something like, "Well, gee whiz asshole you're a narrow minded bigot! You should love everybody you son of a bitch. You hate monger!". If you are one of those, then know that I reserve the right to dislike anything and anyone I choose. Thank you and good day!

Justice? How About My Candy Bar?

2009-11-04T05:00:00.002-06:00

My heart screams for justice! Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Halloween night I paid a brief visit to a convenience store not far from my house. This particular store has been robbed three times since summer. Halloween night was probably not the best time to go there, but I had to get a candy bar-for me.

Now here's where the injustice occurred, a couple of teenagers were hanging around the front door wearing costumes, i.e., their normal clothing. The clerk was familiar with me so he struck up a conversation while I was checking out, and then he began to ask me a bunch of stupid questions about nothing.

Come to find out it was a ploy on his part to keep me in there with him until the guys in the front left the premises. Shit, all he had to do was ask. I probably would have said, "uh, no", but at least he could have asked. I finally figured it out when the cops showed up to talk to the punks outside.

Where's the injustice you ask? I'll tell you. I at least expected a free candy bar, but nooooo! Einstein behind the counter forgot I existed once the cops showed. Still no injustice? Howz about getting tagged with a ticket for an expired inspection sticker before I could leave? What say you to that shit?! Justice my ass...

It's All About The Ups And Downs

2009-11-03T09:23:00.000-06:00

I have no problems with government controls or being over taxed or fraud and waste at the highest levels. I do have a deep seated problem with toilet lids! It's not so much the lid itself. Not the size or shape and certainly not the color...it's the position stupid!

Why is it that we boys are "supposed" to put the lid down when we are through pissin'? Why don't women put the friggin' thing in the upright position when they're finished? Think of a toilet seat as the tray you eat from in an airplane, and it's about to land! It's that simple.

Women use the seat down position any time they use the bathroom so if they are followed by a guy, it's the guy that has to make a critical seat adjustment. They don't have to, but... I've never understood why it has to be the boys that have to do the seat adjustment.

It's like toilet paper. I mean is toilet paper supposed to roll over the top of the roll or from behind the roll? Seriously? Who cares? I mean when I take a crap I only hope that I have toilet paper and not from which direction it rolls. All this after I make certain the seat is in the proper position of course.

So the next time your taxes increase or the price of groceries skyrocket just remember the real issues facing us on a daily basis. Paper or plastic? Hot or cold? Off or on? Half empty or half full, and most important of all, up or down? Now I feel better...

Tinnitus Is Music To My Ears

2009-11-02T05:00:00.003-06:00

I have tinnitus (ringing in the ear). I've had it for years, and usually it's easy for me to ignore. For several years I've experienced auditory hallucinations which are not only fascinating but quite literally pleasant. I don't hear imaginary voices or trees talking, but I here music. Not just any music mind you-symphonic!

I haven't bothered to do anything about it because I usually only hear it when I'm in bed and it is beautiful to "listen" to. It's totally real! I only wish that I could put in requests for personal favorites. For instance, my left ear is ringing loudly right now. Hopefully, I'll get a little Vivaldi.

Authorities claim the auditory hallucinations could be due to drug withdrawals or schizophrenia, cocaine, amphetamines and dementia to name a few. Does that mean that climbing trees when I'm not drinking Everclear is a problem?

My question is this. How in hell can someone who cannot carry a tune, someone who can't hit one clear note, someone who has never played an instrument, how can that person create such perfectly "composed" music on an imaginary level?

I haven't tried attaching an aluminum foil hat yet to see if I can home in on some classic rock, but I suppose real hallucinations don't work that way.What a pity. I could save a small fortune on iTunes.

The Times

2009-11-01T09:55:00.000-06:00

Okay, so one fall "holiday" down, and if you're a white Anglo-Saxon protestant like I am, two to go! Thanksgiving and Christmas are next on the hit list so come on out there...give 'em the old heave ho! Don't spend any more money on them either because, as we all know, the government's stimulus plan will provide all of the assistance any economy could ask for in order to right itself. Can I get an amen?! Now to the business at hand...

Today's top Times pick is a new read for me and a relatively new blog period. I came across it originally on that card dropping site and then again on the #1 humor blog site on the interwebz. The posts on this site are easy for anyone to relate to because it's basically a humorous look and critique of many common ads from the media.

Adnoxious is the perfect name for this little corner of the blogosphere. You'll find ads of all types here and none are above the sharp cutting wit of the proprietor. We know that we have all been sitting in front of the television when an ad we deem "stupid" comes on and attempts to convince us that their product is the greatest in it's class.

Well, Adnoxious helps us to get the real "skinny" on just exactly how absurd many of them are or can be. We can think it, but Adnoxious puts it in writing for us to see. Check it out and tell them Raider sent you.

Holidays Gone Wild! Scrooge Speaks!

2009-10-31T05:00:00.002-05:00

Today is the day that marks the first in a line of fall festivities that brings us to the end of the year. Halloween is almost over as quickly as it began. The most fun I get out of Halloween anymore is scaring the hell out of little ones walking down the street or head lighting them as I drive past in the dark. Other than that Halloween is just the beginning of a long, drawn out holiday season.

I'm glad that the little tykes have so much fun because as they get older, if they live long enough, will realize that as grown ups the holiday fun is basically over unless they are doing something illegal like pimping high dollar whores or selling drugs to the next undercover cop that turns the corner.

Thanksgiving is the only fall fest that makes much sense to me anymore, but really I don't need the Butterball hotline telling me how to dry out a friggin' turkey. I'll do a ham thank you. Christmas, and I'll even toss in Kwanzaa, Hanuka and a fucking Ramadan or two, are so totally bastardized I don't even want to think of it.

I hope that I've put you in a cheery mood as you get set to hand out candy to the cute little kids tonight. Don't pay attention to me. I think I may build an underground playground in which I'll hibernate from Halloween 'til New Year's Eve. You know, something to hold me over until Mardi Gras. Now there's a holiday!

Break Out The Eyeliner. Polish The Piercings. Candy Is On Sale!

2009-10-30T09:24:00.000-05:00

Does Halloween eve have any special meaning other than the day before Halloween? I was just wondering...that's like ponderin'. Seems like much ado about nothing if you ask me. Seriously, with the exception of a bunch of loser emo goths that seem to think that Halloween eve represents the second coming of their lord and savior George Romero and his son Satan, it's just another day. It didn't always used to be that way though. Oh no...

Before goths became a complete bunch of pimply faced cry babies Halloween eve had meaning. Not deep meaning, but it had meaning nonetheless. It was the day when Halloween candy began to go on sale everywhere! It was a joyous day for mom's and kids. That was back when dad held a steady job and paid for the candy.

Mom would buy extra candy giving no excuses for it because it was on sale, and that would help dad balance the family budget of course. The thought was that we could give it away the next Halloween knowing full well that within the week we would be eating it already so that it didn't spoil.

Anyway, while goths and Satan worshipers encircle their pentagrams tonight, I'm off to hunt for cheap treats. All mine! I'm not sharing shit with some snotty little kid that I don't even know. It's mine, all mine! Mom would probably think that I'm not very nice, but dad would understand. He knew the value of a dollar.

Muhammad Ali Issues Halloween Jihad

2009-10-29T06:00:00.006-05:00

Louisville, Ky.-Retired heavyweight boxer, legend, loudmouth and Parkinson's party animal, Muhammad Ali has declared that a Halloween Jihad is in effect from midnight Friday, Oct. 30th to midnight Saturday Oct. 31st in what he, Ali, hopes will be an annual jihad against pagan rituals and holidays like Christmas and the April 15th deadline for filing taxes.

A fatwa also came down from Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, alias Rick Astley, dictating that suicide bombers dress up in Halloween costumes such as suicide bombers. Duh! Not to give away their identity the suicide kiddies were told to exclaim the usual "trick or treat" instead of the jihad cry "death to the infidel candy corn!"

So just remember that on Halloween night when little kids come knockin' that they may not be at your door for candy. They may be there in the name of Allah and Rick Astley. Do like I plan to do and that is nothing. Turn off your lights. Keep your doors locked, and above all, do not go Rickrollin' any lawns!

All Of This Candy For Me?

2009-10-27T10:54:00.000-05:00

Are there anymore people out there that leave a large bowl or bag full of candy on their doorstep for the kids at Halloween? I doubt it seriously. When I was a kid we had begun to take advantage of the situation. I think most folks, by that time, decided any honor system was an exercise in futility. Too bad...

The last house that I ever "pillaged" belonged to a man that owned some burger joints in the area. Now really, what's a bowl of candy to this guy? Besides, I spent my allowance money at his burger joints regularly so I didn't think it was a real issue by helping myself to the entire bowl of delectable delights.

I liked this guy though and his family-especially his younger daughter. In the mid to late 70's he would put out a large plastic bowl of candy for his patrons at his burger restaurants. It was placed inside on a counter.

I stopped by a couple of days before Halloween one year, and I noticed him (the owner) standing behind the counter. I hadn't seen him in a dozen or so years so I thought I'd mosey on over (I rarely mosey) and speak to him. As I got closer he grabbed the bowl of candy from the counter and began to laugh loudly.

I smiled and said something like, "You knew after all of these years?" He affirmed his answer with a nod. I think it was at that point I clearly articulated the word "shit". All of those years I felt a little guilty for ripping off that bowl of candy when I should have felt stupid! He got the last laugh. Literally!

It's A Happy Hooded Halloween!

2009-10-26T08:37:00.003-05:00

Halloween in the 'hood is a real tricked out treat. For instance, the only day/night of the year the br'ers and sistas wear "normal" clothing is Halloween. The shivs are sharp and the gats fully loaded. Nobody knows nobody and Kandy Korn is something the old lady in the projects smokes before she gets her game on. They ain't tossin' no rotten eggs. They get "go" money for 'em at the neighborhood Korean grocery who in turn sells them to whitey.

Kids go to the neighbor's place which, by the way, is only a couple of steps down the hallway and rap on the front bars. Instead of greeting the resident with a "trick or treat" it's more like, "Yo beyotch! Gimme some a luvin' and dat Butterfinger you hidin' up yo butt."

A hooded Halloween is not to be confused with Halloween in da 'hood. Naw, not t'all. See a hooded Halloween is kind of the opposite 'cause that's when whitey works at getting his shit together and tries in a failed attempt to look and act gangsta.

Whitey often thinks trick or treating is like going to a Burger King and ordering from the menu hanging from the ceiling. "Ma'am, I'll have the bag of Kandy Korn with the Snickers and a bag of boiled peanuts." If you don't comply or can't fill the order, whitey stomps off and tells his friends that you are mean.

Either way you look at it, trick or treating isn't what it used to be. Poor dumb kids now actually have to run their stash through metal detectors before eating it, and the only "trick" in the 'hood is walking the sidewalks while white kids are standing in line at a Korean grocery throwing gang signs as they wait to buy rotten eggs.

The Times And A Halloween Tale

2009-10-25T10:09:00.003-05:00

Humorbloggers.com is having it's second annual Halloween Fest this week beginning today. Before I begin, The Times has been working on two stories that are sure to make you ask yourself, "Why was I born?" Yes, it's the upcoming Why Was I Born? series. Investigative journalism at it's best. Here are a couple of the stories The Times is following. Gynecology On Ice and Twelve Tits of Terror. The former being a Cirque du Soleil of gynecological wonders, and the latter a story of six lusty, busty, lascivious ladies and how their tits have turned against them. It's heart warming...

One Halloween some of my buddies and me were caught in the act of carrying out a Halloween prank.

Our sentence was not washing soap from windows or picking up eggshells in someone's drive. We were nabbed rolling a lawn. We had to apologize to the victim and clean up our mess.

The dew was heavy the next morning as me and only one of my co-conspirators set out to pick up every shred of wet tissue from the trees down to the grass. It was a painful learning experience. I never played a role in rolling again. Ever! My entire weekend was wasted.

My day asked if I had learned my lesson. "Yes sir. Don't get caught." Actually the "don't get caught" part didn't happen. Oh yeah I almost forgot. While rolling their house we tossed a few eggs down their chimney. Like maybe a dozen. Burned, rotten eggs permeated the neighborhood for a week. Victory was mine!

Even A Homeless Person Can't Piss Me Off Today

2009-10-24T10:29:00.001-05:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood *whistles*. There's a definite bite in the air that signifies fall weather is upon us. I'm already over the crappy crud cold I had. Two days is all it lasted. My crappy neck isn't hurting nor are either of my crappy knees. Even though my crappy right shoulder is sore it can't hold me back from doing what I love doing on days like today.

College football from 10:30 a.m. 'til about 11:00 p.m. tonight. God is great and a football fan no doubt! Just thinking about a day of relaxation and football is enough to make me want to be nice to a homeless person.

I can't help but think that after my trip to America's store there is a day of football ahead. Once I get the yard work done I can relax. Then I can wash the car before the second game of the day comes on. Sorting and washing my clothes can be done at halftime.

Dusting can be worked in between games and cooking supper tonight should fit in nicely with another halftime during an evening game. Perfect. Damn, I sure am going to be tired from all of that football. Maybe football can wait 'til next weekend. I've got work to do.

Were Mary Kay And Merle Norman Hookers?

2009-10-23T09:15:00.002-05:00

Why do they do it? Ego, narcissism, self-centered behaviors? I just don't get it... Why in hell do women spend all of that money on getting their hair fixed-sorry it's broken-and makeup? I spend $12 about every two months on a haircut, and that's more than I want to spend.

I don't understand how ladies drop fifty dollars or more a month for their hair but then complain about the price of a gallon of gas. There is no comparison! What about makeup? Why? What's it for? The vast majority of women that I know do not need makeup.

You marry the most beautiful girl in the world for one day. One day! Then it's all down hill after that. You know that you didn't cheat on your new wife on your honeymoon for Christ's sake, but there she is next to you in bed the next morning. A stranger. Somebody you've never seen. Meet your new bride.

I know that guys can be almost as bad. Be a guy for shit's sake, and don't use the fuggin' hairspray dudes! You look like a Pentecostal preacher with all of that damned spray! Women on the other hand seem to think that a pound of makeup and expensive beauty shop repairs are necessary to look good.

Guess that's just the way of the wild. If I ever want a woman with a lot of makeup, I'll hook up with a hooker. One more thing before I go... No woman looks good with a lipstick tube or mascara brush smashed into her eyeballs. So stop already with applying your bottled beauty while driving will ya? I'm outta here.

Antihistamines And Smoked Ribs=Manna From Heaven

2009-10-22T08:55:00.001-05:00

I guess my body decided to do a pre-flu system check on me by handing me a cruddy cold. Tuesday night I felt the warning signs: sneezing, a little ear pain and scratchy, raw throat. I attempted a preemptive strike by nuking my nose and bloodstream with antihistamines and decongestants. I assume that crap is working. Perhaps I would be feeling better, as I do today, without it. Who knows?

Speaking of colds (???) I go to a particular barbecue restaurant here when I want some really, really good smoked ribs. These are "dry" smoked and not smothered in a generic sauce that has been doctored up by some guy in a kitchen somewhere. These are superb.

Now I'm not quite sure that juicy, smoked ribs go well with a cold, but I'm sure as hell going to give them a try today. Somebody told me to hold off until I felt better before eating the ribs. Huh?! They don't get it. Good smoked ribs will make me feel better! I say "when in doubt, pig out!"

Some people go the chicken soup or Gatorade therapy route. If that's what yanks your chain when you're feeling shitty, go for it. Me? Eating some of my favorite foods is what helps me feel better. Notice I'm saying "feel" better-not "get" better. There is no cure for the common crud. There's just great food!

Ask All You Want...But The Short Bus Awaits

2009-10-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

A relatively young female (see insert-not her) asked me recently if I would ever remarry. My answer was a simple and direct, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Then she asked why I answered so sharply and rudely. My answer again was simple and direct. "You gotta fucking problem with my answer?"

She continued to ask me personal questions. I must add at this point that I've known this girl for less than six months. She called three nights ago and wanted to know if I'd like to go to a local wine bar with her. I said, "You mean at the same time?" *click*

She text me last night at 1 a.m. to ask what I was doing... Yeah, seriously. One o'clock in the morning! I text her back saying that I was sound asleep and couldn't text her back. Would anybody, male or female, like one slightly used, attractive, tall, dumb annoying bitch that may qualify for discounts on the short bus?!

My question concerning this whole "relationship" is why are there people that are so pushy and busy bodyish and downright insane in my world, and who let her in here with me? Not I! I keep my doors locked. I'm very picky about who I let into my world. I have to change those locks. Can I get a witness?! Amen!

Halloween, Sailing, Ballooning And Lesbians. It's All Right Here!

2009-10-19T08:59:00.001-05:00

A sixteen year old Aussie girl left port yesterday in Sydney in an attempt to circumnavigate the world solo! A six year old kid named Falcon *rolling eyes* and his siblings are in on the great balloon hoax that caught the attention of media worldwide. An eighteen year old lesbian is causing problems because she wants to wear a tuxedo instead of the usual female garb for her senior yearbook photo.

I thought I led an exciting life as a teen. What with driving my '66 Mustang fifty mph down city streets all the while tossing Pabst quart beer bottles from the front seat, and when I wrecked my motorcycle three times in one day all on school property. I thought that was exciting.

Soaping cars and windows and "rolling" yards on Halloween was exciting as was throwing a match onto someone's pile of freshly raked straw. Can't forget egging people. I'm not sure why that was fun and exciting because I caught an egg upside my head once, but for some reason I found it exciting.

Making my own Tom Collins at age ten from my dad's booze stash was fun. I thought. Shooting neighborhood dogs was fun. I thought. Having a policeman tell you that the judge's wife saw you and your little friend break the antenna off of the judge's brand new Cadillac was exciting. Sort of anyway.

Today leaving the doctor's office knowing that I didn't pass out on the treadmill is exciting. Riding my bicycle without falling is exciting. Going to America's store and counting the illegals by the tomato bin is exciting. Sheesh! I'm stocking up on toilet paper this Halloween. I'm tired of being left out of the fun...!

The Times

2009-10-18T10:20:00.002-05:00

What a beautiful day in my neighborhood. Sure wish I would have cut the grass and washed the car yesterday. Oh well, that's what Sundays are for. Work! *Ponderin'* At least I finished grocery shopping at America's store. Sunday's is Mexican Madness at that store. Hate I'm going to miss it. Not! *Still ponderin'* Today is a great day to visit. Southern style. That's what I can do is visit. Go to a friend's for a while and eat their food while chit chatting. I hate chit chat, but I suppose even that comes at a price.

On with The Times! While the staff of The Times continues to read new blogs almost daily there are a few that keep coming back to mind as some that I truly enjoy reading. It's almost like the aforementioned "visiting" on a Sunday afternoon.

Unfortunately, I don't get to all of them as regularly as I would like to. Today's The Time's selection for the Sunday Suck-Up Shoutout goes to a favorite of mine. While I don't stop by as often as I used to I still lurk around her property unbeknown to her.

ettarose's Sanity on Edge has been on my favs list for more than a year now. Sanity has gone through a few cosmetic changes, as mine and others have, as a way to basically "grow" the blog. It's all good. ettarose has a sharp tongue for the dull wit, and a way with words without speaking.

ettarose also has a weekly caption contest (Wednesday). She, nonamedufus and Kirsten are stops that I make in the hopes of losing another caption contest. It's easy to lose those contest when you already suck at them however.

Y'all go by and pay her a visit now. Today is the perfect day for it. I'll be thinking about you while I'm cutting more grass and washing the car. It's certainly a beautiful day in my neighborhood *whistling*

All Quiet On The Southern Front

2009-10-17T10:39:00.000-05:00

Just thought that I'd stop by and see what's happenin' on the interwebz. Looks like a typical Saturday morning from what I see. The neighbor that lives behind me wakes me up about 6:30 yelling at his dog to be quiet. The newspaper guy scored two when he tossed the paper into the empty trash can that I left sitting by the street yesterday. I only found it after I decided it was time to bring the garbage can back to the house.

Another neighbor used his leaf blower on his drive about 7:30 this morning. That's nice. He doesn't have any trees near his drive. They're all in his backyard surrounding his swimming pool. Seems like a dip net would have been better, and much quieter too.

Now that's things seem to be quieter around here I'm contemplating mowing the grass. Contemplating I said! There's a difference between that and actually doing. I would hate to break the nice peace and quiet by cutting the grass you know? So I may put it off 'til another day.

Damn! There goes the neighbor's dog-yapping again. Hell, guess I'll go cut the grass after all. See y'all later! Damn dog!

Jesus, Jam And Jelly Spur Economic Growth!

2009-10-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

I visited a nice, neighborhood grocery recently. Usually my shopping is done at America's Store, but occasionally I have specific needs in mind. While there I checked out the fresh salmon steaks and thought, "Oh the preserves. Don't forget preserves." No problem. Preserves. A staple among staples...

I get home with the salmon and a handful of other items not the least of which is a jar of preserves. Strawberry too! Next to fig preserves they are my favorite. I couldn't help but want to dig into the jar of preserves just for one bite of a big chunk of strawberry. Then I discovered a problem.

The preserves looked more like a jelly or jam. No chunks of strawberry anywhere. Oh, I found a few damned lumps but no chunks or hunks! I can't believe anybody could exhibit that level of raw sacrilege by calling that jar of jam a jar of preserves. So I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?"

I thought that Jesus may wither all fig trees, and that's not good for somebody who loves fig preserves. Instead I went back to the store and dropped a buck more on a more expensive brand. Aah, God is good! It's loaded with hunks and chunks of strawberry treats!

I see the plan now however. The plan for the economy. If our products, food or otherwise, become so bad that we are willing to spend more to get what we want, then that will encourage a more robust economy. So the next time you're buying preserves buy the expensive jar. You'll be doing your part to save America.

In The Land of Oz With Midget Activists

2009-10-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

I went to elementary school with a midget. He was a bully and always picking on the smaller kids. He could have pushed my buttons had he been able to reach them. The little cockroach tried to compensate for his size, or lack thereof, by pretending to be a bad ass. He'd walk around school all day with this dumb looking retard scowl on his lopsided face.

I'm reminded of him because while I was out running errands the other day I ran into pack of midget activists polling people on how they felt about dwarfs. First off, one of the little ones asked that I not refer to them as midgets but dwarfs. Okay Dopey. What the hell? Japanese or Korean, midgets or dwarfs... What's the difference?

The survey was for graduate studies they were completing. Really, the chalkboards are that low now, huh? Anyway, I told them about this pipsqueak ~~midget~~ dwarf in elementary school and how kids disliked him. I explained to one of the trolls that he was an asshole, albeit a small one. Nobody liked him...

"Nobody liked him only because of his stature? Just because he was small?", one asked. Even a midget will try to put words in your mouth. I told her that his size had nothing to do with why kids didn't like him. I explained that he was an ass because he couldn't deal with looking like a Munchkin.

The midget activists gathered around me. They seemed to be waiting for an onslaught of personal attacks and insults. "Do they know me?," I wondered. One of the "little people" females smiled at me a lot. I told her that I liked petite women. Where's a thesaurus when you need one?

So, I signed something, and told them a joke. None laughed except the one that kept smiling at me. Guess it was over their heads or something. Anyway, I don't know what happened to the midget prick in school, but I think that I had just met his kids. It was an interesting moment in Oz.