Best Jokes

Unusual Event

2009-10-19T15:29:00.002+01:00

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday

Visiting a Zoo

2009-10-19T15:27:00.002+01:00

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?" Mommy, seeing the huge penis, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now." A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by

School Vacation

2009-10-19T15:26:00.000+01:00

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early." Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first." The teacher asks,

Redneck Fishermen

2009-10-07T18:15:00.002+01:00

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men

Seven Dwarfs

2009-10-07T18:13:00.000+01:00

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it

Fair Settlement

2009-10-07T18:11:00.000+01:00

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." "Fair to both ?!?!?!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for ?"

That's no Ring

2009-09-10T04:55:00.000+01:00

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!""That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."

Choosing your Career

2008-11-14T14:03:00.000Z

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he

One Kiss Per Yard

2008-11-14T13:55:00.001Z

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then

Golf Partners

2008-09-22T11:27:00.000+01:00

Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired. One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there. They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one. Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art. Art says, "Well are

Engine Failure

2008-09-15T12:25:00.000+01:00

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't

Politicians involved in a Bus Accident

2008-09-08T13:14:00.000+01:00

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said, "I buried '

The Best Salary Increment Request and Answer

2008-09-05T15:23:00.001+01:00

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employee?Dear Bo$$,A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you

Office Truths

2008-09-05T15:21:00.000+01:00

You and your boss1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. 4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same

The Perfect Worker

2008-09-04T18:24:00.000+01:00

1 John Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. John works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. John never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. John is a dedicated

Who Shot Abraham Lincoln?

2008-09-04T11:12:00.002+01:00

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test. "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?", asked the examiner. The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.When the would-be

What their Dad do for a Living

2008-09-02T15:36:00.001+01:00

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick peoplebetter." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that,

Funny Definitions about People

2008-09-02T15:31:00.000+01:00

Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself. Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle. Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive." Average Man -- One who thinks he isn't. Bank -- An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it. Bigamist -- One

Priest Gives Birth

2008-09-02T15:27:00.000+01:00

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you

Beer Quotes

2008-09-01T14:56:00.002+01:00

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Brother-In-Law will pay the Hospital Bill

2008-09-01T12:03:00.001+01:00

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by

How to find whether you are Old...

2008-09-01T08:52:00.002+01:00

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!""OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot."OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door."OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face."OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't

25th Anniversary

2008-08-29T14:48:00.001+01:00

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are

Bribing the Pastor in Wedding

2008-08-29T14:46:00.000+01:00

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom quietly slipped the pastor a $100 bill. "Reverend," he whispered, "I'd be mighty obliged if you'd just happen to forget the part where I promise to love, honour, obey and be faithful to my wife forever." The time came for the groom's vows during the actual wedding service. The pastor looked the young man in the eye, "Will you promise to prostrate

After the Honeymoon

2008-08-28T10:19:00.000+01:00

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean,