Beat PND

Stress and ante natal depression

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:26:00 +0000

As if we didn’t feel bad enough already…

Reading a recent article about prenatal or antenatal depression (a seemingly new "hot topic" for the media) I was amazed by the negativity that it presented.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article6866814.ece

It seems we now have research and evidence that stress in pregnancy is bad for our babies. Excuse my blissful ignorance here…but isn’t stress bad for EVERYONE?! To add this extra pressure onto pregnant mums in this way is unhelpful and almost bound to achieve the very thing it sets out not to do – increase stress!

I am very supportive of professionals investigating this incredibly important and debilitating condition, although am conscious that stress is one thing, prenatal depression is quite another.

I certainly knew that all through my pregnancy that the stress I was putting myself through had to be bad for me, and almost definitely had to be bad for my baby too as it was intimately connected to me. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant…I cried…and not tears of joy. My pregnancy continued in a similar vein. However, the more stressed and depressed I allowed myself to become, and despite my best well intentioned efforts to overcome the feelings I had, I was at the time, incapable of asking myself the right questions and therefore doing anything about my own situation.

Knowing what I know now, and if you’re in a similar situation, here are the questions I would ask myself…..

What do I really want from my life?
When I look back on this time in the future, what will I think or believe about it?
What can I learn from this pregnancy and my experiences of it?
How are the emotions I’m feeling similar to those I’ve had in the past…what did I do then? Did it help? If so, will it work again?
What would I have to do in order to think differently about the situation?
And following on from the previous question….what can I do to think differently about the situation?

These can be quite complicated questions if you answer them truthfully. They may stir up some emotions that you’d rather leave buried. I urge you to be brave…and truthful. It’s only by being true to yourself that you can genuinely move on to being the person that you really are. This was the person you were as a baby yourself; the person who knew no fear, no rejection and most importantly of all, no stress J

There is nothing that can’t be overcome if we are prepared to be truthful with ourselves and as a result are prepared to consider all the possible options.

If any of this has prompted you to doubt, question or develop a sense of curiosity about your own position please contact me. I would love to talk to you about your experiences.

Elizabeth@beatpnd.com

01473 622035

Learn to Live and Learn to love

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 19:45:00 +0000

Learn to Live and Learn to Love

One of the most frequent things that I see when working with people is the way in which they undervalue, undersell and underrate themselves. Okay, so post natal depression is hardly the most obvious time to feel good about yourself - the idea of self esteem might as well have been buried with the Titanic when you’re in so much pain.

But what would happen if your self esteem was one of those things that did escape on a lifeboat from a drowning ship? Would you really want to just let it drift away or would you want to rescue it, look after it, help it recover and then return it to its owner – better and stronger than ever before?

The very best part of my role to help people beat PND is getting them to realise that they really ARE worth something, not only to others but also to themselves.

And yet anyone that’s been there with post natal depression will know that learning to accept that we all have the power to change our beliefs, our perspective, our past - and ultimately and most importantly - our future, can seem almost impossible at times.

I hope the following video is enough just to make you think a little harder about how this really CAN happen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJDZDZ2xnxY

Surviving Holidays with Post Natal Depression

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:17:00 +0000

Surviving Holidays with Post Natal Depression

With the holiday season in full swing now is probably an opportune occasion to consider how to cope with the pressure of "having to have a good time" while still struggling with every day life with depression.

As usual, this blog also includes those of you who are suffering from ante natal depression – this is not an exclusive club for us post natal people J . In fact in many ways this is even MORE applicable to ante natal women because you may already be feeling out of control and not knowing about what feelings are "normal", or not. The whole holiday thing can make those feelings worse as there is even more pressure to "have a great time" and be excited about life in general – even if it’s the last thing on your mind. For simplicity, and as per usual however, I will use the expression PND throughout the blog.

So, how do you cope?

There’s no getting away from it; holidays with post natal depression can be hard. The fact is, most of us think we can escape. Going to a new, fun place, with our children and possibly partners, relaxing, chilling out, maybe having childcare etc etc etc seems like a dream come true. At long last maybe you’ll be able to get some peace and escape these feelings.

Be warned, this may well not be the case. I’m not trying to be negative here – just realistic. The fact is, many of us who have used this technique have often found exactly the opposite to be true. We’ve gone somewhere new and unfamiliar and there’s even more pressure to "enjoy" ourselves. There’s the hassle in getting everything sorted before we go and then when we get there it can be as hard as being at home, if not harder. Certainly my own memories of our first proper holiday away with my daughter being 4 months old was pretty grim (panic attacks and anxiety really set in, oh what joy!).

Don’t get me wrong, it can be great – maybe even just what you all need. Maybe you get a break as your partner or family are there to take the daily grind and pressure off….in which case you maybe start to worry about how you’ll cope when you get back.

Maybe you realise how much they really don’t understand your situation and keep telling you to "pull yourself together"….in which case your fears are exacerbated.

The fact is, there are ways of coping, and here are just a few ideas based on my own experience:

Think about the purpose of why you’re going away. Maybe it’s about having a break, having some fun, having some quality time with the children, escaping the drudge, reading a book, having some sunshine, doing something new. Whatever it is, think about it and be clear with yourself about what it is
And the next obvious step – tell other people what your purpose of the holiday is. People around you are NOT mind readers, however much we want them to be. If you don’t tell them what you need they can’t be expected to help you achieve that and feel better about yourself. So, if you want to read a magazine, have some time on your own, go for a walk, have them take the baby/children for an hour or so – whatever it may be – ask them to help you. Be understanding and realistic in your requests, but do ask for what you want. Who knows, maybe you’ll even come back feeling a little bit better about yourself and be a happier person as a result (which has to be nicer for them than the usual grief we give them!)
Following on from this I would also suggest you show willing and ask them what THEY want too. Partners in particular have probably got so used to walking on egg shells around you and always being in the wrong and in trouble that they never dare ask for what they genuinely want or need – and if they do it’s probably not done at an appropriate time for them or you (in other words, often during an argument!!). So here’s your opportunity to give a little something back. It shows a sprit of recognition that times have been hard for them too and that they have needs too. Genuinely asking what they would like to do, and accepting it (even if it sounds stupid to you!) can go a long way to making them feel a bit more important in your life. And believe you me, partners feel bottom of the heap right now as all the focus of our attention goes to us and/or the baby
Set realistic expectations of how you’ll be, what can afford to do, how easy the holiday is going to be etc. If your expectations and standards are too high you’ll be setting yourself up for a fall and it will be even harder to cope. Again, preparation is key; think about possible scenarios that may occur while you’re away. Plan how you will respond to them. Although it will be much easier to focus on all the possible things that may go wrong limit yourself to realistic concerns. For example, if money is an issue work out a daily budget and stick to it so you’re not fretting while you’re away. If you’re worried about your child/children sleeping make sure you’ve got all their usual comforters, maintain the routine they’re used to etc. If you’re worried about what to do with the child/children make a list of activities/ideas to do with them while you’re away and take a few select toys or games that will keep them amused for longer than the usual 5 minutes!
Pretend your challenges aren’t there for a week. We all take baggage away with us on holiday…so what would happen if we left if at home?! If it’s too difficult to pretend, imagine packing your depression in a suitcase or bag before you go away. When you get to the airport or unpack the car, realise that you forgot it, or it got lost on the way! This sounds bizarre, but sometimes just by pretending, or forgetting our worries for a while they will genuinely disappear as we realise they weren’t really worth worrying about anyway
And for once, I’ll give you my opinion…I highly recommend you have some fun with your child/children on holiday. It can be with you on your own, or with others. The key this is that children, however young, are very aware of your feelings and will pick up on them. Having some quality time and fun with them, for however short a time, can be really rewarding for you both/all. What then happens is that your serotonin (happy chemicals in your body) levels increase. You WILL feel better. And it’s not just me saying that, it’s the law of the body (and the basis of anti-depressant drugs)! Your subconscious mind then picks up on it and wants to do more of the same. If you recreate the same thing every day, ideally several times a day, you’ll start to feel better and better. This creates an upward spiral and it becomes easier and easier to have fun, you want to do more of it, and so on and so forth. Even if you can’t maintain this happy feeling beyond the length of the holiday, at the very least you’ll have some happy memories to keep you going if times get tough again. As an example of that, on our second holiday when my daughter was 13months we still had a pretty grim time, but I do have some very strong and happy memories of her learning how to woof like a dog!!!

So there you go, hardly a definitive version of how to have a fantastic holiday with post natal depression, but at least a few guiding thoughts as to how to enjoy it as best you can. And please do add any of your own comments or ideas to this blog, I’m sure others would be delighted to read them, I certainly know that I would.

Hypnobirthing, PND and the tabloids

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 20:49:00 +0000

Hypnobirthing, PND and the tabloids

Some of you may have seen in today's Mirror that Dr Miriam Stoppard was raving about the benefits of hypnobirthing. She talks about using it as a powerful technique for having a painfree childbirth, as well as how it can be valuable for avoiding post natal depression (I presume because PND can so often be brought about by a traumatic birth experience, although she doesn't specify that).

As a qualified hypnotherapist (with a special interest in labour, childbirth and beyond) it's another of the services that I offer. In fact, I was with someone just on Friday who's due in a couple of weeks and is completely terrified about the prospect of giving birth. We completed some traditional hypnotherapy and will be looking at belief changes and positive birthing plans this week - I'll keep you posted of her progress!!

So in case any of you were wondering about the options and were considering it using hypnotherapy for childbirth either now or in the future by all means get in touch - I'm in the middle of recording some CDs for a birthing "pack" so even if we can't meet personally you can still gain the benefits of these wonderful techniques just by listening to the CDs. So let me know your contact details if you're interested in buying a set at a very special opening offer price, elizabeth@beatpnd.com

For full details of the Mirror article see http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/dear-miriam/2009/07/why-pain-is-not-a-vital-part-o.html

In the meantime I will be in touch again shortly about how to cope with PND when on holiday. I would have written it today...if I could find my dictaphone (which has all my ideas on)....last seen being played with by my dearest one year old!!

First birthdays with PND

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:11:00 +0000

First birthdays with PND.

My second daughter had her first birthday last Friday. It was a poignant time.

Birthdays are notoriously difficult for mothers with PND, especially first ones. You’re meant to be celebrating the milestones of their life in the last year. It’s meant to be happy, full of presents, laughter and cheerful photos that you will all keep forever as a memento of this turning point in both your lives.

I remember my first daughter’s birthday. It was nothing like this.

Needless to say all my post natal friends had sorted their parties out weeks in advance, and they were ‘full on’ first birthday celebrations. I have no memory of any of those parties we attended. However, I do know I came away terrified every time, wondering how on earth I could possibly pretend that I was happy and excited about my child’s first birthday. In fact I dreaded the thought. It was a sign of all the things that were wrong in my life. I couldn’t help but focus on how much time had passed in misery and tears, how things were meant to be so different and questioning how much longer I could keep on going like this.

In fact, at the time of my daughter’s first birthday I’d taken a job 150 miles away to "escape" my depression – and was working from home on that Friday. Although key members of my family now knew of my PND (I’d kept it hidden for months), it was never discussed (my choice not theirs). However, I knew we needed to mark the occasion in one way or another. I had neither the heart or the energy to organise a proper party; never mind on a work day – my only saving grace from all my feelings.

We had a birthday cake from a supermarket and invited grandparents and aunts and uncles. I could pretend I was pleased for a couple of hours for just a few people. Much more was impossible.

There are no photos of me, or of my partner, and just one or two of my daughter (looking cute of course!). I spent the evening after she’d gone to bed surfing the web for articles about PND – and rather cruelly (now I look back on it) sent a particularly traumatic newspaper article about one person’s experience of it to my parents and my sister. I didn’t mean to hurt them, I just wanted them to understand my misery and if I couldn’t explain it to them I needed someone else to show them what it was like.

How times change.

Last week was a real celebration. Life was hectic as usual and although I had no intention of doing a big first birthday event, I did genuinely want to mark it. I was keen to invite the same people again, as much as anything else to show them how things really were different this time around. My husband suggested that he could go and buy a cake, although I was adamant that this time I wanted to make it. And you know what? Even though I finished it at about midnight I really enjoyed it! It seemed to me that I’d really put the depression in the past, and the birthday cake and birthday celebrations were

It can be almost impossible to imagine beating AND or PND if you’re in it right now. The fact is, you can, and you will, it just may take some time. If you’re facing the headache of a looming birthday, or even if you’re not, spend just a few minutes thinking about the following….

Think about an experience you’ve had that made you happy (it doesn’t have to be child related). Focus on it properly and ‘re-live’ it. How does that memory make you feel? You can call on this memory whenever you like J

What other pain have you gone through that has passed? (see my previous blog "Coping with Black Days")

What will it feel like to be rid of this? What will you see, hear and feel? (this is a big thing to do – allow some time to think about it properly and make some notes or pictures if you can)

What would happen if you pretended the PND wasn’t there for an hour or so? Could you give yourself permission to enjoy yourself again?

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:51:00 +0000

First birthdays with PND.

My second daughter had her first birthday last Friday. It was a poignant time.

I remember my first daughter’s birthday. It was nothing like this.

We had a birthday cake from a supermarket and invited grandparents and aunts and uncles. I could pretend I was pleased for a couple of hours for just a few people. Much more was impossible.

How times change.

Think about an experience you’ve had that made you happy (it doesn’t have to be child related). Focus on it properly and ‘re-live’ it. How does that memory make you feel? You can call on this memory whenever you like J

What other pain have you gone through that has passed? (see my previous blog "Coping with Black Days")

What will it feel like to be rid of this? What will you see, hear and feel? (this is a big thing to do – allow some time to think about it properly and make some notes or pictures if you can)

What would happen if you pretended the PND wasn’t there for an hour or so? Could you give yourself permission to enjoy yourself again?

The best is yet to come....

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 11:24:00 +0000

The best is yet to come

When we're struggling with PND or any other form of depression it's so much easier to focus on the bad stuff that's going on in our lives than to think about the good things that we should be grateful for.

I was sent this by a friend the other day (thank you Laurie xx) and it touched me. There's a message in there for all of us, whatever our backgrounds, lives, financial situation, health or age. I hope at least one or two (if not more) help you pause and reflect for a moment....

In my house I've printed them out and put them on the fridge - it helps me consider my life, and focus on key elements on a daily basis (that especially applies to number 10!!!!). I hope they help you too.

Regina Brett, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me... It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 50 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.'

Coping with Black Days

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:06:00 +0000

Coping with Black Days

Having spent much of the Easter weekend in bed with flu I was reminded of one of my very worst days of depression.

I have no recollection of the morning at all; probably just the usual slog of feeding , changing, sleeping (her and me) and a mountain of jobs and housework that needed to be completed – and probably wasn’t.

Whatever the reason, that day was just one of those impossibly tough days. So when she fell asleep after lunch I took the opportunity to go to bed too. (What is it about depression that makes you SO tired?!). It was the last time I got up that day.

I remember that when she woke up I couldn’t believe that she’d been to sleep. Surely we hadn’t both been asleep for that long? Surely it wasn’t all going to have to start again? But as any mother with a young baby knows, there genuinely isn’t any let up just because you’re not feeling great for tiredness or health reasons.

So I brought her back into bed with me and I spent the afternoon attempting to entertain her. We looked at books, we played peepo, we bounced on the bed, we sang nursery rhymes and I generally tried to keep putting on a smile as I hated the thought that she may be picking up on my misery. And you know what? Looking back, it was okay. Not great, not special for good reasons, but okay. I coped.

When my husband got back later that afternoon he joined us in the bedroom too. We frequently didn’t talk about the depression at all – it didn’t help either of us much. However, he could spot that I was having a really rough time. And you know what? He just ignored it and carried on as best he could. He showed me how to play games on his PDA, he took her away and gave her tea and told her I didn’t have to worry about her at all. He told me that whatever it was she needed he’d sort it – even if it wouldn’t be to my usual high standards!

And it was bliss.

I sat there, hating the fact that I had so little energy, hating the fact that my husband was looking after my daughter because I was seemingly incapable and hating the fact that if I got up the house would be a tip and I’d be surrounded by jobs that I should have done that day and hadn’t.

And for once I did something I should do more often. I sat there and let the world go on around me. I didn’t allow myself to stress, to get wound up, feel angry, or cry, shout, scream or panic. I just sat there, playing games on the PDA and wondering on the one hand how life could be so simple, and on the other how it could all have become so complicated.

And as I sat there I was reminded of something a friend said to me when I was going through a tough time a few years earlier….All things will pass.

And in the same way as they helped me then, they helped me on this occasion. Those four simple words were layered with so much meaning for me….All things will pass.

So what would happen if you let life just pass you by for a while?

Do you really need to chase your tail and keep busy all the time just to stop yourself thinking?

What would happen if you started believing this depression really would pass?

Because all things will pass, both good and bad, so pausing for breath just once in a while may provide you with that moment of stillness in which you can just sit and reflect, or even just sit and stare into space for a while.

You may not find the answer to all your problems, but you may just appreciate freeing and emptying your mind to allow new ideas and possibilities to enter your mind.

Lessons from a Friend

noreply@blogger.com (BeatPND) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 11:20:00 +0000

Lessons from a friend

As I sit here waiting to hear the outcome of a close friend's imminent third labour she has unwittingly got me thinking…..how do some women seem more prone to ante and post natal depression than others? I would be highly surprised if she succumbs this time, she certainly hasn't the last twice.

Is she supermum? I doubt it (although I do wonder sometimes!!). She's a professional woman who works part-time, always looks fab with a beautiful figure and clothes and accessories that suit her perfectly and she already has two beautiful and loving children. She still manages to entertain friends, cook beautiful birthday cakes for her children, have a relationship with her husband, intends to have a home birth etc etc etc. You get the picture J

Now, much as I long to be jealous of her, I simply can't be. She makes me happy, we always have a good time together, and I know that others feel the same around her.

So how come I suffered from ante and post natal depression – and she never did? More to the point, how come it's never occurred to her that she would suffer, and it did me? Did the fact that I considered I may be a "prime target" automatically make me one? Did I create the depression in myself?

Now I know for some people this may seem like a tough concept to consider. Can we really "create" our depression? Can we really CHOOSE to make our lives as mums harder than they already are? There's no doubt that sleep deprivation alone can cause havoc with our bodies – and minds. But surely that doesn't make us haphazardly decide one day that we'll "do depression" too….does it?

I'm afraid I came to the conclusion, that for me at least, yes, we can. Somehow, subconsciously and unwittingly I made myself depressed. My saving grace is that I did it without knowing I was doing it – although in hindsight I do know what I was doing it for. I was doing it out of anger. Life wasn't going the way I wanted it to go and all of a sudden I had to cope with a child too. She was yet another demand on my time and attention when what I really wanted was some of that time and attention for myself (so who was the child?!).

So how did I channel this anger and upset? I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time, I channelled it inside. This didn't really help, although it did allow me to cut off from my emotions and experiences. In turn of course this meant that I gradually cut off from everything. If I couldn't face the truth about what was going on for me at the time, I had to find another coping mechanism. I didn't mean to do depression, I just did it by accident.

And here's the thing. My friend, who despite her own ups and downs has never contemplated AND or PND, has seemingly sailed through motherhood so far. So what's different about her? My observation would be that she's honest with herself and others; nothing more, nothing less. Good times are good, bad times are bad. If she's happy she'll tell you, if she's not she'll tell you. That's it. She accepts life for what it is, whereas I tended to battle with myself about anything and everything, wishing and hoping that they were different.

So which person are you? Me? Or my friend?

And if you think you may be just a little bit like me, think about the following….. What is depression doing for you? What are you really crying out for?
What would happen if you did genuinely cry out with that request?

Is it time to re-think some aspects of your depression and your relationships?

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this…