BearsMountain

Me...Me.....

2013-01-19T01:29:00.003-07:00

And because it wouldn't be Old Cron's blog without an Amy video, I'm putting one up tonight (this morning) because I can, and because I can...I'm going too. I took my sleeping pill, so I'm feellng a bit dopey.

Bus, Bus---The song that gets me through painful injections each Sunday night for my RA.

Next Song---Water is Wide---Lilith Fair.

I adore it, and it's what pulls me through the hard stuff lately....and then puts me in my happy place.

Peace out,

Good Morning BadAss!

2013-01-19T01:13:00.003-07:00

Good Morning Bad Ass....(because it's 1AM)

I've tried blogging a few times since I stopped BearsMountain.

It's becoming clear to me, that this is the one I need to write in. It's becoming clear to me, after so many years of disconnect, that I need to pick up where I left off...and move on.

Move on in time, and move on in history, and claim my past. What is written in these very hallowed pages are the only clear memory of what happened to me during my coming out time. During the time I divorced my ex husband. My kids are not babies anymore, I now live in a domestic partnership with my beloved girlfriend, with my kids, and with my dogs....in another house up on a hill. Another house, in a different place, with a majestic view, even better than the one I had before.

I truly live in the "BearsMountains" now. Not too far up the road, we find bear tracks. I've seen lynx's running through my yard, and jack rabbits that are big enough to eat a bear--well maybe I'm stretching the truth a wee bit about the jack rabbits....but they are so big, they scared my dog!

I work in an old haunted inn....and I love it.

My yard is too windy to grow a garden.

When it snows here, the wind howls.....cries and wails for his love to meet him in the east. It's a magic place. I knew it when I walked in the door the first time. I felt that "home" feeling for the first time in my life. I don't know how I willl survive here in the long run, time will tell.

It's time to start writing again. I've been reading my old writings, and feeling like I need to go home, which is why it's my prerogative to do what I want, and what I want is to reclaim 'Old Crone' and move on.

If you remember me, and my story, stop by and say hi! If you have a new blog, give me a link.

Welcome back to me!

OC

Good Night Sweet Heart

2009-07-26T17:38:00.002-06:00

It's time to go.

OC is moving to new digs....you can find me here. Please please follow me, take my feed, and put lots of comments in my new blog!!!

Cold Shoulder

2009-07-25T22:17:00.002-06:00

OK Peeps..it's been a long time, but I'm jammin on ARay tonight, and I have the most serious of crushes on her. It's like the magnet say's..."Dip Me In Honey, and Throw me to the Lesbians"!!!!!

Saturday Again....

2009-07-25T12:31:00.002-06:00

I'm going to the old house in a bit, with a bunch of happy purple and lime green bins to fill up with the stuff that is left there. I'm sure it's going to make me a bit sad. When I'm IN the house, I'm OK...I'm not missing it, etc...but the minute I go out on the deck...Wham!!! It's like a hammer hit me in the gut from the missing it, from the lost dreams, from the happiness I had when I moved in there, pregnant and full of hope for the future. But as they say, that was a long time ago. It's time to let go, to let it go. To find a new family for the house, new kids to play in the yard, on the swing set. Someone who might love the tasteful blue counter tops that I hated.

Meanwhile, in my new home, and it is feeling very much like a home. I've met some of the neighbors, everyone is really friendly so far. My kids have made fast friends with the girls next door and hope for a play date soon. I'm going to invite the family over for a BBQ next weekend. Hubby and I, (I can't in good conscience call him Dufus right now) had a lovely time last night. He moved into his new house and was very tired. I invited him over, grabbed some steaks from the market and he came over and we BBQ'ed. We sat out on my porch, in my new rockers and talked. We laughed, and the kids played. We were both relaxed and had a good dinner. We talked about exchanging house and car keys out of necessity, as I've come home twice this week and he and the kids were sitting outside waiting for me. It makes me so happy to be getting along with him, and then be able to send him home. It makes me so happy to still be able to be a little bit of a family unit. It makes me happy to hear how excited he is about his new house. Happy is happening here right now.

The kids are with him, and I've spent part of the morning cleaning and getting laundry started. I didn't clean up too much last night, I didn't feel like it.

I'm going to get what I need to get done and then come home and have an evening to myself. Make a nice dinner and who knows what?

I'm considering trying to get a small air conditioner for upstairs, which is miserably hot in the daytime. I did order thermal drapes for both bedrooms in hopes of keeping out the hot afternoon sun, so we will see, but the air-conditioners are on sale all over town right now, and August is when we are going to need them. We only need them for about 6 weeks, but we need them bad during that time.

I'm considering starting a new blog, and putting this one to rest. It's been a long haul, but I'm moving in a different direction now, and think the time may be right to put Bearsmountain down for a rest, and start a new blog, for a new life.....I think I will keep Bearsmountain as a link though, It's been so helpful for me for the last two years, and I know there are a ton of us Late in Lifers, as my new friend Rebecca would say out there who can and will benefit from my journey. I'm still considering, and pondering, we will see I suppose where the wind takes me.

Peace,

OC

Living in the Red..

2009-07-20T23:40:00.003-06:00

Wow...what a day.

Hubby, aka Dufus, and I had a pretty serious conversation this afternoon. He told me again he needed help. I told him again, I didn't feel the need to help him. We talked and talked. I told him this was the first decent conversation we have had in months. I agreed to go to the house to help him get the rest of my stuff out of it. He agreed that we would hire a cleaner to clean it.

He then called me and asked me what I was doing tonight. I had told him that I was having trouble getting some stuff done, and that was one reason I didn't want to help him. He came over tonight, and rebuilt Little Misses bed. I had evidently screwed it all up. He fixed it, and carried boxes up the stairs.

I made him dinner, and we ate at my new table, all four of us. Probably the first home cooked meal any of us have had in a month.

He didn't say a word about all of the new furniture and artwork in the house (which for some juvenile reason I was completely messed up about).

He spent a ton of time with the kids, and they loved it. It was nice. Not romantic nice at all, but family nice. Nice for the kidlets.

So I'm going to help him Wednesday night get a bunch of stuff done in the house. I don't feel so resentful about it now.

When he went home, I got a phone call. He got the house he wanted. I think this is a karmic sign than we are moving in the right direction. This place is a nice house, reasonable priced, good place for the kids, and enough room to park the camper and the trailer for the 4-wheelers. It will be a good place for him, and I heard and excitement in his voice tonight when he told me that I haven't heard in a very long time.

We talked of taking the kids riding when he gets moved. He seemed amazed I would still want to do that. I told him of course I still wanted to go riding. That I loved riding, and we had finally gotten it all set up to take the kids, and that activities we could do together with the kids, would be a good thing for all of us.

There is no more marriage....I think there is still the possibility of being friends and a different kind of family, which is what I've wanted all along.

Now, don't go thinking I'm seeing everything through rose colored glasses, I'm not. I don't and won't go back to be married to him. I am a lesbian, and I intend to live the remainder of my life as such. That being said, I'd love to keep some sort of viable family unit for the kids, and because under all the addict crap, there is a person I really love and like.

He said he felt motivated. It's a nice idea. I hope he is motivated.

I spent the remainder of tonight, sitting on my back porch, in my pretty little yard, watching my kids talk over the fence to the neighbor kids. I haven't felt such a sense of peace in I don't know how long. I know it's not the acre of beautiful yard I had, but it's my little yard. It's a safe place for my kids to play. I have a lovely covered patio, with a beautiful little lawn. I have a beautiful wind chime that was ringing very faintly tonight. I have a beautifully landscaped front yard with a quaking aspen tree that I do not have to take care of. I have a home that is beginning to look like a Tuscan bungalow.

I have art on the walls that I love. I'm sitting on the softest of soft (butter soft) leather couch. I have RED curtains on my windows with curtain rods I installed myself. I finally have peace. I've come home every night this week to peace. To feeling like I am in control of my own destiny........ finally.

This is a RED moment. Red is me. Old Crone is RED. I am living RED. Red is joy for me. I hadn't realized just how unhappy I was. I think when you are in the middle of turmoil and torture, you block it out so that you can keep moving.

It seems amazing to me, that a mere two months ago, I was still in my house, mulling leaving him, feeling horrible, fat, sick, tired, etc...

Now, I am still fat, but I feel sexy. I feel energetic. I want to have sex. I want to vacuum. I want to mop the floors and do the laundry and LOVE my kids the way I was meant too.

I am not some unhappy mopey mom now. I have been hanging with my kids...holding them. Talking to them. Playing Guitar Hero with them, and going for walks with them. They are fascinated by sidewalks. I have a weekend coming up with no kids, and I intend on sleeping. Lying in bed and sleeping. A luxury I haven't had in years.

I'm going to sleep now...

Peace,

OC

The First Day of The Rest of My Life

2009-07-18T12:28:00.004-06:00

I talked to a good friend of mine today. She is also someone who is friends with Hubby...to be known now on as "Dufus". Anyway, she told me, OMG..you can't imagine how bitter he is at you. I said "I know", and she basically told me that "I didn't know", that it was way worse than was suspected.

That it was my fault that he was having to sell the house, that it was my fault that he was "going to get stuck paying child support" (he said that verbatim to her more than once), that he was getting turned down for housing, etc...I told her when he talks to me, it sounds like he "hates me" and she said, "I think he does actually, you've taken his whole life away as far as he's concerned."

So anyway, I sent him an email letter today that I went through my lawyer first, letting him know I will not be cleaning the house, that I will split a cleaning service to do this, that the parenting plan is already in effect and next weekend was his weekend, and that if he continues to live at the house, he can pay all related bills, that I will split all costs as long as he is out of it, but if he lives there, I will not subsidize it for him. I also let him know I would be turning off his cell phone on 8/1/09 and that he needed to get that taken care of first.

I'm just so done with this. It's amazing, that getting out of the actual situation, has given me the courage to really stand up to him. I have realized I do not have to deal with his hatefulness. I can go through my attorney. I do not have to let him in my house, or be held hostage to his moods. I can demand that he keep up his end of the parenting plan we both signed on. I can do whatever it is that I want now.

I can't believe I'm really in my own beautiful townhouse. It really is coming together. It looks pulled together and beautiful. It's cool in here compared to the house, and the kids have relaxed.

Peace,

OC

Indy 500

2009-07-07T22:51:00.002-06:00

Seriously, this is post 500.

Bearsmountain is two years old now, well if you want to get technical, two years and a few weeks, but who's counting??

Blogging has saved my life. Really, it has. I started out, just playing around, reading a few blogs. I remember when I put my Cluster Map on it, and would get excited about each new dot. Now, it's hard to tell where the dots are. I've met some wonderful people along the way. Some have come and gone, some have been constants from the beginning. There are several of you out there, who I trust so much, I'd probably leave my kid with you...I'm sure you know who you are.

It's an addictive, narcissistic hobby. It's my space, and I run it. I put what I want here. I do it to please myself. I've been stunned with the amount of late life lesbians out there. I never ever thought there were so many of us. I've formed some great friendships.

I love the saying, "I love my computer because my friends live in it". For me, that is so so true. It's been a way to find a community of women, that I would never have found any other way.

So anyway, I've been waiting to make this post because it is post 500. I wanted to make post 500 from my new home.

It's early morning, and here I sit, with a yummy cup of coffee, writing on my laptop which I have unpassworded. I feel free. I am free. Hubby doesn't even seem that interested in the kids, which makes me horribly sad, but considering his mental state right now, takes a load of worry off my mind. They are here with me, Small Son and Little Miss. We have been having "slumber parties" in my room at night, them in their new sleeping bags, me in my bed, and we are all happy. They miss daddy, but not terribly yet. I think they are as relieved as I am to be away from the stress of him.

Moving weekend was hellish. Hubby was horrid, mean, unhelpful, and would barely keep the kids so I could work over here. It left me feeling alone and frustrated that there were things I just couldn't do, and had no one to help me do them. Then I got them done myself. What a feeling of accomplishment. I had to change out the electrical wire on my dryer, because I had the wrong plug for the wall. I did that! I built umpteen pieces of furniture, hung photo's, got myself moved, albeit with a few bumps along the way.

The furniture store called, and the new stuff will be here soon. So mostly everything is good.

The one thing I am struggling with is my cat. Keep in mind, I'm a cat person, I've had cats, multi cats all my life. This cat is turning into a problem. He constantly attacks unprovoked. He has drawn blood from the kids more times than I can count, and he's getting worse. I'm not sure why, but I'm beginning to suspect his feral cat roots. I'm thinking about taking him back to the shelter. I think he might be better off as a barn cat. I've never done this before, and it makes me feel terrible, but our lives have been being run by this kitten. Having to lock him out of any room we are in because of the attack mode.

He won't even settle down at night, and sleep with us, he will for a bit, then he wakes up and jumps on someones face and attacks...so he's been locked out of the bedroom. I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him. He acts fine, is not hungry, thirsty and his cat box is clean. I'm about at the end of my rope here with him. Like I said, I am a cat person, I've had cats all my life, and never had one like this.

The fact that his aggressiveness is getting worse worries me. I've had to kennel him when the work people come over to keep him from attacking them. So I have nearly decided to take him back this afternoon. We will see. It's gotten to the point I don't really like him, and don't want him on me. It makes me so sad, and it's not Sooshie's fault, I think it's his genetics. I think maybe he needs to just be free to hunt and be a cat.

So anyway, there you go, my long update.

I am free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!

Peace,

OC

The Pit

2009-07-07T06:03:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was hands down one of the most stressful days I've ever had. I spent the day worrying what Hubby was going to do. I can't believe how sick I felt. I sat at my desk at work, and just dry heaved most of the day, while working without stopping. I'm glad he didn't see how bad I was.

He called me and told me that he signed the separation papers, and that he had taken them to my attorney's office, of which I have not been able to confirm yet. I got an email from her about 5:20 last night that said she hadn't received them and she would let me know today if they were dropped off as she was in meetings all day yesterday. I wish I were more confident that he was telling me the truth. I went down and asked him "why" he told me that he took them to her if he hadn't, and he emphatically said that he did.

OK...so I'll just have to wait and see. He looked at me and said, "did you really think I was going to fight you for custody?" I guess I did. I guess because I would fight with my last breath to keep my kids, I thought he would.

Less than a week until moving day. I'm almost there, but it seems this week is doing it's best to put me through the paces. At least I have a pedicure and hair appointment to look forward to on Saturday morning.

I sent my bosses boss an email yesterday after the stressful day on Thursday, and asked him if I could visit with him for a few minutes. He told me to come down, so I shut the door, and looked him straight in the face, and said, "I don't know if you know what's going on with me, but here it is. This is why I'm so stressed, this is why I am having to make all my appointments at lunch, etc...I told him my job was an absolute priority, and that I wasn't trying to not do it."

"That I was working my hardest to make sure all my work was caught up."

I felt I needed to let him know after the snarky email on Thursday. I'm not sure it did any good, but I think it did, and at least I tried to communicate with him and let him know that I wasn't goofing off, I was just stressed out.

This weekend, I made the executive decision to just put my nose to the grindstone now, and not cause any waves at work. I can't be stressed this huge in two different places, and work is vital to me being able to take care of the kids. I'm a fighter by nature, but this time I decided to let it go, and take the high road for the moment.

So this is my update for the day. I never in a million years thought this would stress me like it has. I know throughout the last few years, I've been stressed, depressed, sad, in pain, but never like this. Never with this constant pit in my stomach. Hopefully it will stop once I move.

I still feel like I'm walking through a surreal cotton ball when I think of divorcing hubby, moving out of my house, being a single parent, etc...it doesn't feel real, and it makes me so sick to my stomach, it's hard to keep moving.

For as long and hard as I've worked for this, it's surprising just how much pain is involved here for me, and for all of us. Yesterday when I was talking to Hubby on the phone when in the morning, he kept saying this was "easy" for me.

He has no idea (of course he doesn't) I'm not sure why this should surprise me. He really has no idea about me at all anymore. He doesn't know who I am, or what I want, or what I need. He's so lost in his own drugged out haze, he can't comprehend this is just as hard, maybe for different reasons, for me and the kids as it is for him. He can't comprehend that his kids are hurting and he's hurting them even more.

I'm hoping once I move, I'll be able to sleep again. I just can't right now. I can't fall asleep and I wake up 2 hours earlier than normal. It's 6:30am now, and I've been up for two hours. I keep having to fake being asleep so Hubby won't figure it out when he is getting ready for work. God I will just be so glad when I don't have to "fake" anything anymore. Nothing. I can be me. I can do what I want. I won't have to consult him, or have him call me at 7:00pm and ask me "if I plan on coming home tonight" like he did last night. I told him I had stuff to do last night, and I still got the call at 7:00pm. I get off work at 5:00, so it's not like I had sooo much time do to what I needed to do. As soon as I got home, he ran for his stoner shack. I guess, at least he is trying to hold off until I get home. He's probably not going to be happy when I tell him I need to go work on Little Misses bed tonight. Oh well, I don't need to make him happy anymore.

Signing off,

Peace,

OC

2009-07-06T05:49:00.002-06:00

I feel as if I'm going to throw up.

Hubby basically got nasty yesterday again. He went to look at a house, and was questioned on his income because "he is going to have to pay child support". He came home and ragged all over me, and said that if he "had" to pay child support, he'd "see me in court" for 50% custody. I won't let him have my babies, not using the way he is, so I'm gearing up for a huge ass fight.

I woke up this morning, and the phone book was open to the yellow page listings of "attorneys"...I'm not sure if he has the time to actually get in to see one, we will see. I just can't believe he'd use our kids as pawns..but it looks like he's sunk to a new low.

If that's the case, he's in for the fight of his life.

Peace,

OC

Packing

2009-07-05T11:33:00.002-06:00

I'm packing. I hate packing.

I was sitting here completely stressed about hauling these huge boxes of stuff that I don't want anyone going through down and taking them myself to the new place...then I realized, packing them was sufficient. I can pack and stack and the movers can take them..why am I so stressed out? I'm finishing my CD's today...I'm going over to the new place later and washing cupboards and putting stuff away. I'm going to unbox my new Dyson! I'm going to start working on getting Little Misses new bed put together. Yeah Yeah Me.....Ok....that's my progress report for now!

Peace,

OC

Sad Hearts

2009-07-05T09:20:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting on my love-seat, for possibly the last Sunday looking out at my view. It's all I can do to do this honestly.

Last night, I watched my kids run around the yard they have always known, playing with the neighbors they have always known, ride their toy quads all over the yard. Then Hubby got me a glass of wine and we watched the fireworks that he set off, that the neighbors set off. It was a warm, balmy MT night, and it made me so incredibly sad. Sad to be leaving this place, that I thought would be my home forever. Sad to be leaving Hubby. Sad to know that my kids wouldn't have this gigantic yard to run and play in.

Sad Sad Sad....does this always have to happen and make me question if I'm doing the right thing. Last night, I kept thinking, it's not too late to stop this. I could cancel the lease, I could return my purchases and I could stay here with Hubby in our yard, with our kids....of course I only pondered this in my head. I didn't say it aloud. I was afraid too. This week will be a test of courage for me for sure.

I had a perfectly horrid day at work on Friday as well. The kind of day where you don't get up from your desk because it's so so bad. Like I need bad work thing going on right now. So I made the decision to go to work this week, keep my nose to the grindstone, get my work done and not make any waves. I can't take two stressful things this huge going on at once.

It hurts me so bad, even though I know I'm doing the right thing.

Hubby helped me some at the new house yesterday, and I know it hurts him to just be in the place. I don't blame him. I really have no one to help me with anything right now though, so I was grateful to him for helping me.

I have only one week left in my house. One week. How is that possible??? I haven't started doing much either. I'm going to get up as soon as I get done with this and start packing some stuff to move over there today. I want to get all my personal stuff moved myself. I need to finish working on my CD's. I've been dumping the boxes and putting them in one of those organizing notebooks since I never play them anymore. Still I can't get rid of them. This seemed to be the best solution for many reasons...storage of them among the biggest. I've taken what would take me an entire media cabinet and parred it down to two notebooks.

OK folks, wish me luck!

Peace,

OC

Independance Day

2009-07-04T12:47:00.002-06:00

This is for all of us out here, that are working on getting out of whatever bad place we are in. I have never been very patriotic, but Independence Day has a very strong meaning for me this year obviously. It doesn't matter if we are gay, straight, abused, not abused, verbally abused, not valued, etc....we all have our moments when we need to stand up and fight for ourselves.

Happy Independence Day Everyone!

2009-07-02T06:14:00.002-06:00

I'm so excited. I got the keys yesterday, and my new home is even better than it looked when I went through it the first time. It's beautiful, the rooms are huge, spacious, and the layout is really nice. It will look so good with the new furniture I've bought.

Last night, I picked out and ordered a few art prints. I pretty much decided to stick with stuff I really love, so I got a few vintage looking prints of San Francisco. I've never been able to do this before, to pick out stuff I love, and sort of semi decorate a place I live. I think it's going to be amazing for me when I finally get everything put together, and can sit back and hang out.

Not much to say today, and I need to get up and get moving....

Peace,

OC

Keys

2009-07-01T06:07:00.002-06:00

I get the keys today for my new home...I can't believe it. It's been a long time coming. I'm so excited, so so excited.

It finally is starting to feel a bit real.

I think the kids are having more of a hard time than I thought. They have both been climbing into bed with me every night, after I go to sleep. I wake up they are in bed with me like small puppies. This is way more normal for Small Son than for Little Miss. I don't have the heart to make them leave now though.

I discussed some tactics for when we move with my therapist last night. I think I'm going to make them pallets in my room that they can sleep on if they get scared in the new place, but I need to get them to stop climbing into bed with me every night. After they get used to the new place, I'll start working on getting them to actually sleep in their own bed, but I really feel that now they need to be by me at night, or they wouldn't be so clingy.

Oh well...time to get moving for the day....

Peace,

OC

Where Do I Fucking Sign UP??????

2009-06-29T21:20:00.002-06:00

Seriously....do people really answer stuff like this?

roadtrip hotties wanted!!!! - m4w - 30 (Anywhere, MT)

Reply to:^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-06-12, 9:12AM MDT

We're two guys in a big truck on a roadtrip thru Montana looking to hookup with a couple of attractive ladies to join us in our adventure! We deliver expedited freight all over the country and we're in Montana this afternoon. Our trip starts in Montna, and ends in Denver, CO. We can drop you off anywhere along this route, but we can't deviate much. Roadies must be HWP (What the heck is HWP, they surely can't mean Height Weight Proportionate can they???? Notice a lack of description on their part), attractive, fit and willing to have a fun time!!

This is going to be a kickass (or ass kicked, then ripped?) trip....and there is a sleeper with 2 beds, fridge and plenty of room for fun activities!! ;)

So I guess these two guys want us to hurry up and respond with photos, then hop in their truck so they can gang bang us, and drop us off on some highway before Denver...boy oh boy...is that a trip I want to go on...I wonder what the girls get???

Hit us up if you're available to join us.....pictures are a must when you reply, and we look forward to hearing from you! Feel free to email and we'll reply asap!!!

Location: MT
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sunday Night Live

2009-06-28T23:52:00.002-06:00

Sunday night, and here I sit. I signed my lease yesterday. What a relief that was.

But now I feel like time is dragging by. When I want it to go fast, it goes so slow, and when I want it to slow down, it speeds up.

The thought of having my own house with my kids is enough to make me giddy. I'm feeling giddy. Except for when I want to box Hubby upside the head. I'm not going to go into the details of this weekend, but suffice it to say, I got a ton of "poor me" attitude, and a few snarky comments about my computer. He also told me that he thinks "I'm a very unfair person", and that the divorce papers looked OK, but it looked like he was (and I quote) "going to get stuck paying child support".

God Damned him anyway, those are his kids. He should feel obligated to pay for them. I'm asking for nothing really. My fair (less than) half of our life. I have no idea what the child support will be, but no matter, he will feel it's unfair because as he said this weekend, "I make more than double what he does". Oh fucking well. I make a modest salary by any means. Not my fault he makes less working where he does than if he worked at McDonald's...but in his head, it is absolutely my fault.

I have increasing moments of light headedness from knowing I'm almost out of here. It's been just about two years since I started this blog. Two years of whining and working my way through this. I remember when some of my blogger friends exploded and became free, how jealous I was. How much I wished it was me, and how I felt I would never ever get there in a million years. It's so scary to dump your life and start over. The thing is, once you make that decision, it's not so scary anymore. Once you take your life, into your own hands, and think, fuck sake, I can do this....you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm three steps from being able to walk out into the sunlight, finally. I can't wait.

I sometimes think I'm going to miss my castle up on the hill with the beautiful yard, roaming room and so on. Then I think of the misery that has been conceived in this house for me. The utter feeling of doom. Feeling like I was trapped in a place I'd never be free from, and I know, that though I may have moments of missing something about "here" I won't really miss much. I won't miss the walls I hated, I won't miss the carpet I hated. I won't miss the master bath with a stall shower. I won't miss being miserable.

I won't miss having freedom, even if it is wrapped up in a bow called being a single mom, which I know is what I'm going to be. I sometimes think he will help, but then I think, if he was willing to lose his family and his house for his addictions, he won't fight me very hard for the kids, or time with them. All I can say is if he is going to break their hearts, just get it done so we can move on. I can take care of them, they need daddy, but they need a daddy that gives a shit.

I got all my CD's condensed down into those CD books this weekend. I'm tired of the boxes, especially since I never play them anymore, but don't want to get rid of them. I think I burnt up my new shredder, so I'm going to have to do it the old fashioned way...burn it all. I think I'll just take it all out to the fire pit tomorrow night and set it on fire. A fitting end to the clutter that has been taking over my life.

It's time to clutter up my space with new "toys", at least until I find someone to give me a hand!

Bumble Bumble....Toil and Trouble....

2009-06-27T00:21:00.004-06:00

I'm so sleepy tonight, I feel like someone knocked me down and took every last drop of energy out of me and ran away with it.

I think this week has finally taken it's toll on me and knocked me out, between the stress and not sleeping well, here I sit. I fell asleep on my bed earlier, kitten wrapped around my feet, and Macbook open by my head...just konck...out. I finally woke up and realize how cold I was, and how uncomfortable and got up, shut the windows and got my jammies on. So now I'm sitting here, counting out days until I move.

I'm signing the lease tomorrow. I will feel so much better when I have it signed. I keep thinking about all those empty cupboards, closets and shelves in the new place that I won't have to share with Hubby and his junk he never uses. I can finally not have a closet packed to the brim. I can have room in my kitchen shelves.

I came home tonight and he was calling utilities and talking about this place that he hasn't gotten yet. Why??? I didn't say a word, but my head was screaming...you don't have it YET....you need to work on getting out of this house so we can sell it. I think that is my worry, he will justify, put off, and not look until he manages to not get out of here. I found plenty of rentals when I looked tonight, but I also didn't tell him that. I am making myself stop. I have to stop. I'm not doing much cleaning around here either. What is the point? I'll clean it good when I get out of here.

I talked to my cousin today. She is going through the exact same thing as me right now, except worse. She has left her husband, she has two little kids, except hers are really little, 2 and 3 months. She is in a shelter trying to find someplace to live. So, since Hubby made such a strong...."I'm taking the kids for the 4th at his friends house" deal, I told her I'd drive to see her in Kalispell on the 4th. At first I was planning on coming home on the 4th, but since it's through a dark deer filled road at night, I thought, what the heck am I rushing home to anyway? I can just stay up there for the night and come home on Sunday. So tonight I told Hubby that I was going to do that...and he started sputtering.....it was almost funny, when I said, "since you are taking the kids to Bert and Ernie's for the 4th, I'm going to leave early on Saturday AM and go up and see Cuz in Kalispell and I'll be home sometime on Sunday".

I swear I giggled inside, because I realized right then, he was doing what he was doing to punish me, and I turned it around on him just a bit. The other thing is, my gut is telling me when we actually split, that I won't be having long weekends to myself much, because he'll be not wanting the kids all weekend. So I'm taking this one. We'll see how he does. I'm OK with it because he's going to be at Bert and Ernie's and I know the kids will be fine and they will have a blast.

I sound mean I know, but I almost have to think this way right now to keep myself strong and on course. I could easily start feeling sorry for him and back out. That is one reason I will be so glad to get that lease signed tomorrow. It's proof in my hand that there is no going back.

Peace,

OC

Vent Vent Vent......

2009-06-26T06:50:00.003-06:00

Yesterday Hubby went to look at the house that I turned down. He did it in his usual bumbling way that I don't approve of. I'm not sure why he wants to make everything harder than it needs to be. He took both kids with him. Why???? Both kids were already in their respective daycare places, there was no need to take the kids with him.

Anyway, he gets there, and the door to the place is open so he went in. Evidently as they are gone now, and they left the cat for a few days, the place was trashed. I told him it wasn't trashed when I saw it, and that it was probably because they were getting ready to get their stuff out. But now I'm digressing. He calls me, with that "tone". "This place isn't worth $1100.00 a month". I told him fine, then don't take it. Then he starts in on how Little Miss has to poop. He told her to "squeeze her cheeks", I kid you not, I heard it. I told him to stop talking to her like that, that he should have not taken the kids and since the door was already open to get off the phone and go take her potty.

It was just a night that reinforced to me why I'm leaving. He hasn't called or emailed about any other place, he just thought he was going to "get" this one I guess. I told him he'd better get busy, then he started in about that house again, and I told him, "you know what, you worry about it, I already have a place." I again got the "It's always so easy for you" thing he tells me. I then told him, well I emailed EVERYBODY on Craigslist that had a place even remotely acceptable, that he wasn't in a position to be so choosy, and the place costs what it costs.

I'm just so tired of it, and can't wait to just be out of here. After all this last night, we had the kids first official T-ball game. He wanted to go with me, and looked hurt when I asked him why. I know, I'm past being super nice, but all he does is sit there and tell me that I need to turn, I need to park closer to the curb, etc...

When we got there, he hopped out of the car and into his mouth went the eternal cigarette. God I'm so not going to miss this. I really do wonder how much he watches the kids when I'm not there, because he got the kids stuff out of the car, and started across the street. I had to grab Little Miss to keep her from following. I finally got both kids by the hand and we started walking way behind hubby, but what was frightening was that he didn't seem to notice. This whole time, their was a trail of smoke coming from him while he was flicking his cig into the wind, which was then blowing at us. And he wonders why I want the kids to live with me???

It was just hard to watch, and realize that I'm going to miss this like the plague. I really have been struck this week by just how happy I am to know it's almost over, and that I'm set in a place I can take care of the kids in a reasonable manner without him helping. As soon as those papers are signed, tough bitch is going to come out about the custody stuff as well. I want him to see the kids, but not when he is being an ass.

Then the kicker when we got home. He got out of the truck, got a few things out of the back and went inside. I got the kids out, and my stuff, and by the time we had got upstairs, he had already poured himself a glass of wine, and had taken a long drag of it right as I walked in. As soon as I came upstairs, he went down to his stoner shack and did his business down there, then came up, took another long drag of wine, and went out to smoke a cigarette. Can you say ADDICT loud enough???? All this time, I'm thinking, it's past the kids bedtime, they haven't eaten, and you are worrying about feeding your addictions. I got the kids dinner (TV dinners) and turned on a movie for them to watch while they were eating. All I can say, is why the fuck did it take me so long?

We will be fine, me and my kids....him I'm worried about, but I'm not stepping in to make it better, I just can't anymore.

Peace,

OC

Hope All Around Me

2009-06-25T05:53:00.003-06:00

Wow...

I spent last night lying in bed, feeling pretty peaceful. What a concept. Hubby seems to have made some sort of peace within himself, I suspect he has realized how unhappy he is as well. I'm seeing the part of him come back out that I like. We talked some last night, about property spits and stuff.

Also he is already saying he won't be picking up the kids "everyday" after school. What a relief to me he is coming around. I want the kids to see him obviously, but I want them to "live" with me. So he seems to be sort of getting it. I knew eventually he would, and I think the inactive part of him that has driven me insane for the last few years is the part I was counting on around the kids. The part of him that will see he has way more time to himself, and that he won't get up the hutzpah to actually fight me for the kids, especially if I'm not making him fight.

Oh, and "C", no worries, I have no plans or intentions on telling hubby about being gay. I don't think it's any of his business as I'm not seeing anyone. I think it would only serve to make things harder right now, and I'm not seeing anyone so that isn't an issue. That aside, it's not really why I'm leaving him. It's a factor sure, but it's not the deciding factor. It's his inability to get a good job right now, his addict stuff, and him spending too much money that is forcing my hand. I'd say the addict stuff is the biggest piece. Me being gay factors in for sure, but it's not top on the list as far as why I'm leaving him.

So I'm feeling hopeful that things are working out. I'm feeling hopeful that I'll still get Hubby in my life, but in a way that works for both of us. I'm feeling hopeful I'm not going to have a long drawn out issue around the kidlets...

We ordered new bedding for the kids last night, and he is going to go buy two new beds for the kids, one for his new place, one for mine. I still need to buy TV's...then I'm done. I really am starting over, I just can't believe it.

Peace,

OC

2009-06-24T06:02:00.002-06:00

Weirdness all around...

I got my townhouse, I'm signing the lease tomorrow. I'm also going to be getting Small Son enrolled in the local school, which will make my driving nightmare each day a little (no a lot) better.

Hubby actually was pretty decent yesterday. It was my birthday, and he got the kids a present for me, made me dinner, got a pie because he couldn't find the cake I like, and was OK. I think he is going to sign the papers, and seems resigned to my custody arrangement.

The owner of the little house called me yesterday, the other people "fell through", so I gave the phone number of the guy to hubby. That is all I'm doing, but the house is a good place for the kids so I hated to not give it to him. Anyway, I'm staying out of it from here on on.

Moving day for me is 7/13/09. Lots to do, but I can't wait.

It feels surreal that I'm really leaving, that we have talked to realtors, that I'm signing a lease, that I can be me and not worry about what "he" thinks anymore...

Oh, and if I know who you are, then feel free to email me from my profile about being a FB friend.

Peace,

OC

On Being a Pariah...

2009-06-22T21:43:00.002-06:00

Saw hubby texting his friends today. I also realized half his friends have taken me off their FB friend lists...so I guess it's official, I am now the pariah who is divorcing him.

He was served papers today and wants me to sit down and "go over them". I told him I would..but what does he want to go "over"??? It's all there in black and white, he either agrees or he doesn't.

He told me, I need to "prove" to him how much my health benefits are going to cost me. I told him, well I figured out the difference between what it costs for me and the kids, as opposed to what it costs me for me, YOU and the kids....

He kept saying "prove it to me". I finally said I didn't need to "prove" it to him, he was free to not keep my health bennies if he'd like to turn this into a divorce now instead of a legal separation. He sort of just shut up.

Today was the kids first T-Ball practice. After he made me come home to meet him, he then left with the kids to go get their TBall stuff at Walmart and told me to "meet" him there. So I did. When I got there, and we got the kids all settled, he told me he was "going home so I can be miserable". WTF? Why didn't he just let me take the kids in the first place? I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt tonight because I know he is miserable and he did get served at work, which wasn't supposed to happen. Still, he knew it was coming, I had told him it was coming, etc...

I wonder how much a corporate apartment would cost for a few weeks, this is almost intolerable, except I need to get stuff ready to move.

He told me I had "better get with it" about moving, and when I told him I really didn't need to do that, that I was hiring a mover who would pack for me, he got all huffy again. I even told him today I got the condo (because he asked) and that upset him. I think he is feeling completely out of control, and is surprised how much I have done. I think he expected me to just not do anything or something. It's hitting him we are really breaking up.

I feel sick to my stomach, and can't seem to find my appetite. He told me he'd lost ten lbs, well dude, I didn't find those pounds, I've been dropping it a bit too, my clothes are all baggy.

I just want this over now. I want to be in my own place, with my kids, and only have to deal with him when I have too. He wants to have the house on the market by August 1st and has our realtor coming out tomorrow. That's fine with me, the sooner the better.

Really though, as bad as I sound tonight, I really feel pretty good, except for the sick feeling in my tummy, which is caused by him, which won't be here when this unpleasant stuff is over with.

I'm almost there, I'm almost there....

Peace,

OC

Weekend Update

2009-06-21T23:51:00.004-06:00

So, I spent the night Friday in the hotel by myself. It was nice, and lonesome at the same time.

I went home about 9:30am and picked up the kids and then we went to Walmart. (where else would I go?)

I bought both kids new Nintendo DS's on Saturday, I had intended on only buying Small Son his, which he has been working for, but they had this pink one and Little Miss fell for it. So I bought it. Bad bad...but it made me happy to get them, especially for Small Son as he had been wanting it and working for it for so long.

I took them back to the hotel with each of them holding their new games with pride. When we got in the room and I started unboxing all the loot, I was moved to tears when Small Son told Sissy to "say thank you to mommy". He is such a sweet boy.

They had a little time to play with them before our friends arrived, with their swimsuits and DS'sin tow. My friend had said she would watch the kids for me when I went to look at the townhouse. So I took off, hit the store quickly and then went and met the property manager in front of the place.

When I walked in, I knew it was the place. It was the perfect size, everything looked new and nice, it had Berber carpet in the living room, and a light color of pergo flooring in the kitchen and dining room. All the bedrooms were big, the place was painted very nicely, and it had a fenced in back yard for the kids to play in. It also had a huge huge two car garage, with tons of storage, a bedroom big enough for my bedroom set, a huge garden tub in the master bath.

I met the woman living there, and she said she would try to leave the bracket for the TV on the wall, and if not her son could put a new one up for me. She was going through a divorce as well, and the bracket was her "hubby's", but she told me she would tell him I had offered to buy it.

The back yard had a small patio big enough for a small patio table, and a BBQ...the lawn was the nicest roll around in grass. I took it on the spot, and gave her a check. She is going to call my ref's tomorrow, this time I'm not including my boss in that bunch.

The rest of the day was spent with my friend and her kids, and our kids in the pool. We let them completely wear themselves out, and there were moments I was so happy because my kids were so happy it was unclear about what I should do.

After my friends left, I took the kids back to the pool (inside) and we watched it rain while going back and forth between the hot tub and the pool. The kids were having so much fun, and I just let them wear themselves out again. I had no place to go, and there was no reason not to let them swim and play to their hearts content. I sat in the hot tub for a bit, watching them, and wondering how I could be this happy on the edge of a divorce.

Depending on how hubby acts this week, I may do it again next weekend as well. My mental health needs a little TLC right now, besides the kids begged me to let them go back again. I have to admit, that pool was like bathwater, and the most pleasant pool we had been to in ages.

Today we came home, brought hubby breakfast from Micky D's and the kids gave him the fathers day present and cards I had got. He looked like someone dropped an iron on his foot when he saw I had got him a new digi camera. He realized instantly why I had gotten it for him.

He is getting served tomorrow. Thankfully he already knows what is in the papers including how I changed the custody arrangements around. I keep expecting him to fight with me, I know I would if he was proposing what I am to him, but we will see. I think he will sign.

The rest of the day was spent in a relative calm around here, the longer we were here, the less grumpy he got, which made me feel guilty. I know he is hurting, but he won't or can't help himself. I offered up counseling again, he won't go. He says there is nothing wrong with him. That what he does is no different than my Prozac.....bullshit.

Anyway, we will see what tomorrow holds.

I'm sitting on my bed, listening to my beautiful wind chime, and the wind blow, it's sleep time at last.

Peace,

OC

Alone for a Bit

2009-06-20T08:26:00.002-06:00

Ugh...where to even start?

I'm in a hotel this weekend. Hubby and I got in the fight of all fights, with him basically blaming me for everything, "I'm divorcing him", "There are no jobs out there", "He wants the kids every other week".

So, I told him he should have thought of that six months ago when I started giving him ultimatums. That a man who didn't want to get divorced would have been out there looking for a new job under the threat of losing his home and family...etc... I told him that I had reneged on what I told him on custody of the kids. I had said I'd "try" the every other week thing. Then the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like the idea. I want the kids with me. I want them with me during the week. He flat out told me he didn't want them "every" weekend. I told him he wasn't getting them every weekend, and that I at worst case would have them every other weekend and he would have them every other weekend.

I told him that we needed to keep the kids on a schedule as close as possible to what they have now to make it as easy as possible for them. I get them up, take them to school, he picks them up, spends the afternoon with them, feeds them dinner if he wants, otherwise I will, then I pick them up and take them home. They are able to still be with me at night, like they always have.

I told him he could see the kids whenever he wanted, that he could come over and see them when ever he wanted. That if he wanted a night here and there, then take it. I don't have an issue with that, but I want to be primary custodian of them. I want them to "live" with me. He didn't like it, but I think he caved last night.

I asked him if he really thought he could go a solid week without getting stoned, because that's what I expected him to do. He said he'd only do it when they are in bed. I said, "no", that's not good enough. You have the luxury of doing it now when they are in bed because I'm home and I'm with them..when I'm not there, that will not be acceptable, and I will nail your ass to the wall. I made it pretty plain that I will not accept that in the care of my children. I've dealt with this shit for long enough.

I did start feeling horribly guilty though, and one reason I left was that I was afraid I was going to cave in and change my mind. He called me "co-dependant". What a hoot..he so doesn't get it. Of course I'm co-dependant, that is WHY I hav put up with this crap for nearly a decade. I'm co-dependant even though I spent YEARS going to Al-Anon...Does he realize him even calling me "co-dependant" makes him DEPENDANT????

He started in on me, that I used to smoke sometimes with him. I reminded him that was BEFORE I had the kids. That I had done it only one time since. Then he started talking about my bottle of JD. Good god, I've had a new bottle up there for nearly a month, and haven't opened it. The old bottle is nearly 6 months old, and it still isn't empty...does he think I'm guzzling the stuff? He is the one that goes through a BOX of wine every other week, on top of the weed, on top of him being a recovering alcoholic.

I said I could give a rip what you do when you don't have the kids. That he was free to do what he wanted..but when he had MY kids, that wasn't the case. That mamma bear had climbed out of the den and don't mess with me. I told him to go to treatement (which my insurance covers by the way) and I'd support him in that. I told him to go to counseling, I have EAP and insurance that will cover it after the 4 free visits are done...he won't do that...

He ended up crying, I ended up crying. I'm going to get the kids in a bit, and we are going to spend the day here with friends, swimming, pizza, etc....should be a fun time. I may even see if there is a movie I can take them too later.

I'm also going to go look at a condo/townhouse today. She already has my app, said everything looked really "good" and she thought I would like the place. It's the one I think...it's big, three bedroom, two bath, fenced back yard, nice kitchen and a two car garage. It's 3 blocks from Little Miss's DC and only a few blocks from the local school. It looks all new, and wonderful with a huge master bath and walk in closet. Wish me luck....

If I get it, I'll be able to be in by July 5. That's so close, that I can make it that long.

Hubby is going to be served the Legal Sep papers on Monday. After he signs them, the hardest part will be done. I really can't believe after moving at a turtles pace the last two years, that I am now moving so so fast I can't see the trees out of the car window.

Peace,

OC

Yuck....

2009-06-17T22:44:00.000-06:00

Looks like I didn't get my little house. Unless the other people fall though. I'm so bummed out. I am going to look at more, I know this isn't the only house out there, but it was perfect, and it was NOW.

I stayed home from work today with the kidlets....

My kitten peed on my bed last night, and we ended up having bed problems because there were no clean replacement sheets. I don't know why he has taken to peeing on my bed. His litter box is clean, and he just started this like two days ago. He has not only been peeing on the bed, but on us. Last night, I felt him shuffling around, and I thought he was trying to settle. All the sudden my leg was icky wet warm, it went right through my down comforter. I yanked it off fast enough it didn't get any further, but that was far enough.

We never did go back to sleep, and finally about 6 am the kids fell asleep all cuddled together on my bed and I just couldn't wake them. I figured I'd take them in late. So I worked around, filling up the back of my truck to take to storage, and when they woke up, they didn't want to go. So I let them stay home with me today, we all played hooky. He's also been screen climbing. I need to go get a water bottle. He has that kitten energy right now that is driving me insane.

I've just been a funk all day. Like the world was going to fall down around me. I'm so up and down right now it's hard to keep up. I know as soon as the stress of finding a place abates, it will be better.

Hubby went out with his friends tonight. They used to be my friends too, but I was conveniently not invited, not that I expected to be, but it weirded me out all the same.

I need sleep,

Peace,

OC