BDSM is Love

Anxiety

lunaKM — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:18:34 +0000

I’ve been an emotional mess this week.

Master, for his part, has been very understanding and patient with me. I’ve tried to handle it in silence, but I found that it just doesn’t work that way. He knew something was wrong and approached me about it at every turn.

I finally mourned being divorced. It sounds insane, really since it happened last year and we’ve been apart for so many years previous to that. Most women I’ve talked to treat getting divorced as a celebration. I constantly remind myself that I failed in my marriage. Marriage is a very big deal for me, sometimes I wonder if it’s more of a big deal than accepting Master’s collar. The weight of it just feels more intense. I know it sounds like I should have mourned my divorce before I accepted Master’s proposal, but I believe that it took his declaration of commitment in this way for me to realize that I am worth spending the rest of one’s life with.

I’m so afraid of failing this time around too. The anxiety of these fears had me crying and stressing in Master’s arms early in the week. He reassured me in that gentle way that only he can. He’s in it for the long haul and he wouldn’t have asked me if he wasn’t completely sure that I make him the happiest person he could ever be with. I think I’m ready to move into another level of my relationship with him and become his wife.

Then in a complete 180 degrees, I became obsessed with wedding planning. I’ve spent countless hours online looking at dresses, wedding communities, venue ideas, favors, and good lord knows what else. It’s all a blur now but I don’t see it ending any time soon. I watch the TLC shows about weddings and I get choked up when I watch them. I can just feel the love they must be feeling and I can’t wait for our day.

I’m stressing about my weight and the fact that finding a dress will probably be a challenge; while I am in love a few very pretty dresses online, the test will be when I try samples on. My first dress was a 24. I’m a 28/30 now. I’d love to get back down to that before trying on dresses but I have to face the fact that it probably won’t happen. I need to accept my body and make it the most beautiful thing he sees on our wedding day.

–luna

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Fuckmeat Headspace

lunaKM — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:22:49 +0000

Yesterday Master declared a fuckmeat day. This means that he will use me whenever he feels like it, I’m not to make noise or look at him during sex. I’m pretty much his masturbatory tool. During this time I feel separate from my body. He is using me but my body doesn’t respond sexually other than the fact that I’m really wet.

After the first session I got really grumpy and practically banished him from my sight while I calmed down. The second time I got all weepy. The third time that day he declared that to be it for the day, he wanted me ‘back to normal’.

Back to normal and we haven’t had sex … yet. He wants me tonight. Oh yeah, he wants me.

–luna

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Love, Laundry and a Little Chicken

lunaKM — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 04:36:00 +0000

I’m feeling good about myself today. I dressed and put on make up. I did my exercise and I’ve gotten all of today’s chores accomplished. Not bad, really.

Tomorrow is more of the same. I have a bit of SubmissiveGuide work to do in the afternoon but I’m sure that as long as I feel at peace with myself things will get done.

Master and I are happy. We say I love you more than we have in the past and I love just watching him. I can’t believe that we are going to plan forever in just a few months. Wedding day will be here before you know it and I’ll be recognized as his in the eyes of the law. A simple thing really but so worth it. And worth the wait too.

I have a wedding planning blog so that I don’t bombard this blog with ideas and planning… also so that our family and friends can watch our wedding come together. I’ll probably post the link to the blog once the countdown is less than a year. Right now it’s just occasional posts about ideas and thoughts… no real progress yet. Of course, if you want the link early you can email me and I’ll hand it out. Just please remember that it’s a vanilla blog

Master has been wonderfully dominant lately. He’s on my tail about all the little things and keeping me in line. I feel the purpose of my place and hope he continues being aware of what I’m doing and not allowing a slip.

Like wearing make up. Today he asked to see my face, he likes to approve or disapprove my make up. He also had my remove the pink chrome nail polish. He didn’t like it so I threw it away. I’ll have to repaint my nails tomorrow with something less flashy. And my mood about being feminine is shifting for the better. I’m dreaming of wearing skirts again, and I still have a skirt I need to finish sewing. (If you recall about 5 months ago I started making a reversible trapezoid wrap around skirt. I never finished it. All I have left is to sew on the sash and it’s done. I don’t know why I’m procrastinating. Then I can get permission to find some comfortable shoes to wear with my skirts and I’ll be all set. Girly girl me will be ready for Spring.

This week I’ll be using up the last of the laundry powder supplies I bought last February. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have the borax and washing soda yet, but I had to buy more bar soap to grate. I’ll be making a heap of it this week to replenish my stock.

Speaking of stock I have found THE best way to make stock. The crock pot. Oh I love it and don’t know why I didn’t think of it before now. Here’s how I do it.

Chicken Stock in the Crock Pot

1 2-3 lb chicken carcass remnants
2 carrots, broken in large pieces
2 ribs celery, broken in large pieces
1/2 onion, roughly chopped (you can have more, I don’t like onion much)
2 whole cloves garlic
6-8 whole peppercorns
salt to taste

Place all veggies in bottom of crock pot. Add chicken on top. Fill to top with filtered water (tap works if it tastes good). Toss in peppercorns and season with salt. Turn crock pot on low and cook for 18-24 hours. I tend to stir about half way through.

Strain, chill, skim the fat off the top once cold and use or freeze for later. I’ll never go back to stove top stock. This stuff rocks!

–luna

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Souffle Pancakes

lunaKM — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:37:27 +0000

OK, I have to admit that I haven’t made these yet, but I saw them on Diners Drive-Ins and Dives and just loved how they looked so I looked up a recipe similar to the one on the show. This one is from Epicurious. I WILL make these soon. Definitely.

Ingredients:

3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) unsalted butter, melted
1 cup golden raisins (5 ounces)
6 large eggs, separated
1 1/2 cups whole milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
Rounded 1/4 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons granulated sugar
Confectioners sugar for dusting

Directions:

Put oven rack in upper third of oven and preheat oven to 400°F. Butter bottom and side of an ovenproof 12-inch heavy nonstick skillet with 1 tablespoon melted butter.

Soak raisins in hot water to cover in a bowl.

Whisk together yolks, milk, vanilla, flour, and salt in a large bowl until combined well.

Beat whites in another bowl with an electric mixer at high speed until they just hold soft peaks. Add granulated sugar, a little at a time, beating, and beat until whites just hold stiff peaks. Fold whites into yolk mixture gently but thoroughly. Drain raisins and fold half of drained raisins into batter.

Pour batter into skillet and sprinkle with remaining raisins, then bake until firm and golden, 20 to 25 minutes.

Slide pancake from skillet onto a cutting board and cut with a serrated knife into 1 1/2-inch pieces. Cool handle of skillet under cold running water, then heat half of remaining butter in skillet over moderately high heat until hot but not smoking. Sauté half of pancake pieces, turning gently, until lightly browned and crisp, then transfer to a platter and dust with confectioners sugar. Sauté remaining pancake pieces in remaining butter in same manner and dust with confectioners sugar.

Recipe Online: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Souffle-Pancake-108680#ixzz0hWblMAJO

Southern Biscuits

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Abrupt Stop to Play

lunaKM — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 21:55:37 +0000

I’m still coming down so this post may be incomprehensible. Master and I just finished playing for the first time in awhile. It was a delicious time, it really was. At one point he asked me what I wanted while he leaned hard on my tied up titties. I hollered that I wanted this to stop. Well he took it the wrong way and stopped altogether. I crashed, I got really quiet. I got angry that he stopped and then realized it was my fault. The playtime we did have was fantastic and I could totally have some more soon.

Which leads me to realize that even though I can communicate pretty well, I don’t do it well enough that Master can understand my every meaning. He asked me why I hadn’t said yellow. I had to come clean and tell him that stopping completely wasn’t my intention. So, what could have ended in orgasms for both of us ended short. Hopefully we’ll pick it up soon because I don’t want to feel like this.

We need to exercise today sometime. I’m hoping that will pick up my mood a bit. I’ve set an insane goal to lose 12 inches in the waist by January of next year when I’d like to purchase my wedding dress. I’m going to have to really work as far as exercise goes. I’m going to start doing stomach toning too to help tighten and strengthen and lean up my stomach. I think I can do about 1 inch a month or so… what do you think? This would get me into a size 22 dress according to the chart for the dress I want. That would be awesome!

–luna

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Chicken Donna

lunaKM — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:25:35 +0000

Ingredients:

2 tsp. margarine
1 1/2 lbs. boneless skinless chicken breast
1 small onion, quartered
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 c. zucchini, sliced 1/2 inch thick
2 c. mushrooms, quartered
2 Tbsp. lemon juice
3/4 c. chicken broth
2 tsp. flour
2 tsp. white wine

Directions:

Melt margarine in skillet; add chicken parts and saute until browned. Remove. In same pan saute onions and garlic until onions are translucent. Add zucchini and mushrooms and sprinkle with lemon juice; cook, stirring occasionally, until just tender. In small bowl gradually add broth to flour, stirring constantly until combined; add to vegetable mixture and cook, stirring until thickened. Add chicken,s alt and pepper. Cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Add white wine. Serve immediately.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Question 1: Pain Conflict

lunaKM — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 14:38:24 +0000

trazure asked me: “How do you handle the conflict of needing and wanting pain when a Master wont give it because he’s fearful of his own reaction to the enjoyment of your hurt?”

trazure,

Just as submissives and bottoms have to come to terms with the idea of enjoying pain, Dominants and Tops have to realize that it’s okay to enjoy giving it. I’d recommend that the Dominant talk to a few more experienced Tops, perhaps join a group so that he can get some mentoring and advice to help with his own fears. You might also like to read ‘The Loving Dominant“. It talks about SM play and the thoughts from the Dominant perspective as well as the submissive side.

As far as you handling the conflict, there isn’t much you can do. You can ask if you can play with someone else at a party or invite a friend over to take care of your need. You can self inflict some pain to take the edge off. You can help him reach a place he’s comfortable and do a little bit of pain play at a time; a small spanking, just using nipple clamps, scratching, etc. Incorporate it into your lovemaking and he might respond a bit better to it.

Best of luck-

luna

___

This is a question for March Question Month. If you have a personal question to ask me, please head on over the that post and ask!

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Question and Answer

lunaKM — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:13:41 +0000

Now that the ring is here I’m less worrisome and more hopeful. Last night wasn’t so good though. I had this overwhelming fear that this marriage would fail like my first one did; that I’d lose the best thing that has happened to me. It had me crying in his arms. He said he understood but I’m not sure he could.

We picked up the ring and my mood shifted drastically. I can’t stop making it twinkle, right now I’m wiggling my finger with extra keystrokes. It’s great fun. A more beautiful ring I’ve never seen.

Tonight Master and I had some wonderful post-period sex; it’s hard to describe the sex after not having any for almost 2 weeks (due to horrid PMS). Sooo good. How’s that? He’s feeling the itch to be mean and sadistic and I know that soon I’ll be on the receiving end. Yum.

___

This month is typically Question Month in blog world, and I’m not immune. If you have questions you’d like to ask me feel free! I’ll take anything you can throw at me.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

The Ring!!

lunaKM — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:03:41 +0000

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Red, Pink and Yellow

lunaKM — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 04:31:19 +0000

Master is such a wonderful man. I’m feeling so full of love and affection towards him. I’ve been lost in the clouds today and while it’s really not clear why I know that some of my thoughts have been about the fact that I’m going to be with this man for the rest of my life and how perfect that is.

I’ve been going through wedding stuff and Master opened up the door to talking about it so I’ve been bringing him ideas all evening. Red, pink and yellow seem to be the colors I’m settling on. I love the idea of having flowers, lots of flowers. I have invitations bookmarked that I like, a cake I JUST saw that looks awesome. Oh and these favors I saw (that Master isn’t thrilled about) that are plantable seed cards. How cool to give them wildflowers to plant!! Maybe he’ll like them later.

On the D/s front…. One of the things I’m supposed to do is remember to clean the drain of my hair in the shower (gross, I know). We’ll I’m on strike 2 of 3 and if I get in trouble again I’ll be bathing out of the sink for a week. Ick. He’s been easy on me for domestic chores as I’ve noted, but I know that’s over. I have to get my butt in gear for next week.

–luna

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.