Was the 'Bobby Posse' hat to blame?

Facebook and Twitter is awash with the news that Whitney Houston sadly passed away yesterday afternoon. I didn’t really believe it to begin with, a bit like hearing the death of Amy Winehouse, I just stood in the kitchen gobsmacked saying ‘really?’ three or four times.

I’m not a huge Whitney fan but I do have the occasional song that I like to warble too. Whitney could certainly bang out a heartbreaking song and when your relationship is going down the swany singing ‘how you shattered my world with your goodbye,’ at the top of your lungs certainly works a treat.

And I believe this is Whitney at her best. Yes I am a child of the 80s so I think ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’ is a catchy tune, but it’s those painful love ballads filled with anguish that I remember her most for. Her torrid relationship with ex-husband Bobby Brown and their 15 year relationship of abuse and drug addiction were never far from the headlines. And her songs reflected her personal life. She sang from the heart and from experience and this is why she had such impact.

Although we don’t know the cause of her death there is common public opinion that Bobby Brown is ultimately to blame for the demise of our beloved pop princess.

We, the public, seem to want to believe that the fresh faced gospel singer was entrapped by the evil R&B star who lured her into a life of drug taking and physical abuse which eventually led to her death. It is difficult to watch such a talent fall from grace as Whitney did. If anyone caught her performance on Xfactor in October 2009 its clear to see how completely out of it she is.

There is an interesting psychological model called the Karpman Drama Triangle which describes three roles people take in relationship and can be applied to this situation. The first role is Victim which is how we view Whitney. The second is Persecutor which is Bobby. And finally there is the Rescuer – us. Throughout her demise we wanted to rescue Whitney because we wanted her back to her former glory and it was easy to blame Bobby rather than accept that Whitney was responsible.

Is Bobby really to blame? Some say he got her into drugs but according to his autobiography he only smoked marijuana before he met her and they fell into hard drugs together.

The physical abuse seemed to be a two way street too “He slapped me once, but he got hit on the head three times by me,” Houston told Opera Winfrey in 2009.

But regardless who started what, they were in the destructive relationship together and they were equally responsible for their actions and choices. In a difficult situation it’s incredibly liberating to choose to opt out of the role of victim. As an adult no one makes us ‘feel’ or ‘do’ anything we don’t want to do. And Bobby didn’t force Whitney to take the path she did.

This is a loss to the music world. Whitney gave us much; the greatest selling single of all time by a female artist as well as the harsh lesson of the effects of a destructive relationships and drug abuse. RIP Ms Houston, we learned from the best, we learned from you.

Opening the door to communication will open the door to the bedroom

There is a phenomenon sweeping through society, its affecting thousands of people (that’s a conservative estimate) but it’s unlikely you will hear about it because in general we are still stuck in the dark age of “keeping up appearances”.

This phenomenon is that people aren’t having sex. I’m not talking about people in 25 year marriages or single people I’m talking about 30+ year olds in committed relationships or newly weds not being sexually active with their partner for months or even years.

There are many possible reasons for this. The extreme view from one of my friend’s is that its a natural wave of evolution, a way of limiting over population. Not sure if Darwin would agree but according to spiritual sexuality author David Deida men and women have three stages of evolution.

In Men, Stage 1 is the typical macho guy not emotionally open or great at communicating. This is a difficult personality to ‘relate’ to as it can be like talking to a brick wall.

Stage 2  is the opposite, he is vulnerable, in touch with his feelings and desperate not to subjugate the woman. The problem in this scenario is that often stage 2 man also has no spine. This also is difficult in relationship as the woman often assumes the mans role to ensure polarity is achieved.

Neither of these is balanced so in comes the third stage – this is where we have a man who is vulnerable, able to communicate and show his emotions but also in touch with his masculine strength and ferocity (yum!)

So with the women Stage 1 is a sweet spineless people pleaser. Her needs are secondary to her mans. Emancipation has totally bypassed this woman and she fits perfectly with stage 1 man who likes to be in control – the mix of stage 1′s probably means they will have sex as the man brings the fire and the woman does her duty. This is not enlightened sex and at some point the man either gets bored of not having a challenge or the woman gets resentful and leaves.

Stage 2 woman is a bit like  Margaret Thatcher (or my mother). A ball breaker extraordinaire, men quiver at her stare and there is no way she is gonna let her guard down.

Of course this is the perfect match for stage 2 man but ultimately she gets sick of his weakness and loses respect for him and at some point he may decide he wants to take some control. (stage 1 man and stage 2 woman is a bit of a disaster, it’s a constant battle for control. On the flip side a stage 2 man and stage 1 woman is just a bit drippy)

Again neither of these aspects of woman is balanced. Ideally we are looking for  Stage 3, the true embodiment of the sacred feminine.  Soft and able to own her vulnerability but with the full fire of undamned rage at her fingertips. The combination of stage 3 man and woman is the perfect union.

According to Psychologies Magazine, it can be difficult for couples to find a shared language to discuss the problem and many find it too vulnerable to open up . But The big question is, do you want to spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship? If not you need to do something about it – and that means talking.

There is a lot of amazing work out there, it can be a voyage of self discovery for each person that really deepens the relationship, sure it can be tough but the irony is that it brings you closer. Often one partner just doesn’t want to do something like a workshop or see a counsellor so the couple stay in the stale mate situation. It can be too hard (no pun intended) to figure this out ourselves that’s why professional help can be invaluable.

Having an active sexual relationship is  healthy and according to webmd.com there are numerous health benefits to having regular sex:

• Stress release
• Increased immunity
• Improved cardio-vascular health
• Exercise and calorie usage
• Improved self esteem
• Improved prostate health
• Improved pelvic floor muscles
• Improved sleep patterns

And my favourite reason is that the couple who play together stay together – surely that’s worth learning how to overcome the embarrassment and have that honest conversation. Once you have and you get the sex life you really deserve you find you can then work through more not just as a couple but as a team. Plus  you can save a stack of cash on blusher as that glow will be coming from the bedroom.

do I need drugs?

I read something crazy this weekend. Doctors have made an incredible discovery – apparently Special K cures depression! No not the Kelloggs cereal. Special K is a nickname for Ketamine, the general anesthetic and recreational hallucinogenic common on the drug scene.

The researchers at the Ben Taub General Hospital in Houston Texas have discovered that Ketamine produces rapid relief for severely depressed patients. Well yes I bet it does. Ketamine is an anesthetic – its designed to numb the body and mind. Ketamine users describe the experience ‘as if the mind and body have been separated’ – does this sound like a cure for depression? Detaching from reality? What happens when the drug wears off? Back to square one. I understand that for someone on suicide-watch Ketamine could be a potential life saver. But what really worries me is if Ketamine becomes a regular ‘treatment’ for depression. And this could happen. Researchers said that if the initial clinical trial is successful, they will begin to test long-term effects, and if all studies yield successful results, it will be approved for use.

If researchers would like to know the long term effects of Ketamine use, all they need to do is to look at the users on the recreational drug scene. Since Special K became popular there has been a sharp increase in young adults suffering from ‘Ketamine Bladder Syndrome’. Ketamine causes the bladder to shrink and it permanently damages the kidneys and ureter. I have read stories of 20 year olds having their entire bladders removed from Ketamine abuse. So this Ketamine cure for depression involves bladder rot. Nice.

What I struggle to understand is why medical researchers are looking for solutions to depression in this way. The question is not ‘how do we stop depression?’ but rather ‘why is there depression?’ In my clinic I never focus on the symptom but always look to understand where symptoms are coming from. What does the individual need nutritionally, chemically, structurally and emotionally. Depression can be a symptom of nutritional, vitamin or mineral deficiency, a chemical or hormone imbalance or a repressed emotional or traumatic experience that an individual struggles to deal with. This is what needs addressing not a hallucinogenic drug that numbs their reality.

We have become a nation of pill poppers. When a complaint arises we take a pill. This pill causes a side effect. Which requires another pill. Which causes another side effect. Which requires another pill. Treating a symptom with a drug in this way is like taking out the warning light in your car, it is simply not addressing the underlying problem. Ketamine is not the solution to depression. Understanding and addressing the causes of depression is. And that is the cure we are really looking for.