Granted I am doing a bit better with the cleaning and learning my new management process with Evernote and Remember the Milk. I will learn it eventually. Thankfully I feel better with the progress I’ve made. Master has noticed but also noticed the slip for doing dishes the past few days. Opps. I’m going to vacuum tonight and then the place will be decent for strangers to see.

We haven’t gone to look at places yet and I’m feeling very antsy. Once Master gets paid we’ll be able to do that. It is my job to make sure we don’t overspend on anything we don’t need for the next 2 months. Not an easy job when we like to spend money.

I’ve been packing things up to give away to Good Will and have brought 6 boxes so far. I have to get through the clothing soon. Froggy keeps bringing boxes she’s collecting when she visits but I haven’t packed anything yet. I think I’ll be more excited to pack up once we have a place picked out.

That’s about it I have for the night. Chat later!

–lunaKM

At the dungeon party on Saturday night there was an available spot at a suspension rig and Master had us both stand there and wait for him to bring his bag.

What developed was going to be a game between froggy and I. She for pain and I for not wanting to hurt her. Master tied twine on her nipples and strung them up to the ring at the top of the suspension rig and then down to the ring on my collar. Pulling it taught so that I had to look up a bit to not pull on her nipples. Then he tied my hands to the polls so I couldn’t get away. But if I moved my head at all it pulled her nipples.

I couldn’t believe what happened next. He tickled me. I’m terribly ticklish and can’t control much of my contortions so that meant that with every jerk of the string froggy was in pain and I was laughing silly. In all that, I was apologizing to froggy. Funny, right?

So since Master was busy tickling me, and then going behind froggy and pulling her so she stressed her own nipples it was quite a ride. I decided to try and be devious and when Master went around behind me again, I started grinding my ass against him. I was determined to make him strain in his pants while he was having fun torturing us.

It was a short scene but still fun and definitely a spectacle for the crowd.

–lunaKM

I’m finding that I do a lot of introspection for the purpose of Submissive Guide and perhaps that much introspection is making me question my own submission on too many occasions.

While Master has expressed a tension between us and agrees that I should enjoy things more he doesn’t see it as something more than a step back. Nothing as catastrophic as I portrayed it. I tend to dot hat when it has to do with me. I have this yard stick that I try to measure myself up to because I know that people look up to me and when I slip even an inch I take it hard.

I have to remind myself that no one is expecting me to be perfect. Master is overall happy with me, he tells me he loves me every single day and I continue to feel protected and loved and of service. I am content in my life and I love every single minute of it.

Poly is still an adjustment, but we knew that going in. At least we can talk about issues as the arise and we can resolve them to everyone’s satisfaction. I’m not worried in the slightest.

I just need to reconnect with how I felt in the beginning, in the honeymoon phase of submission when everything was so new and thrilling. Some of it now just feel so “old hat.” We need to shake it up I think.

So thank you.

–lunaKM

I don’t get direct or indirect pleasure from making Master happy. So, pleasing him doesn’t feel like it really pleases me. Take for example giving him a blow job. Sure it’s great, but if he’s happy I’m glad he’s happy but I don’t take pleasure from it in the same way.

froggy is genuinely happy to do things for Master and she jumps at the chance to make him happy in any way she can. I…. calculate what I get out of it. So I’m selfish. I’ve never said I wasn’t. But because I don’t do things just to make Master happy there is an undercurrent of tension and preemptive denial of pleasure. Master would rather decline a blow job if it looks like I am doing it just to make him “happy” and get back to something else. If I act all happy go lucky excited he seems to be more willing.

Even though in both instances I would suck his dick, he’d rather have the one that has me grinning in anticipation. Of course I understand this. Of course I’ve dealt with it before.

But it still comes up so I’m not learning how to change that behavior. I can’t just fake it anymore. I need to find his pleasure as pleasing to me and sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Does that make sense?

No – “Good I made him happy, now back to writting/knitting/watching something.”

Yes – “Ah that was so good to see him happy and enjoy himself. Gosh I feel great when he’s happy. What more can I do?”

Hrm, this needs more thinking. I’ve hit a wall.

–lunaKM

2. You’re out to eat, what kind of dressing does He get?
Dressing? He doesn’t eat salad. No dressing

3. The most striking thing about His physical appearance?
His height.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink, what does He order?
Cola of some sort, cherry if they have it.

5. Where did He go to high school?
In England somewhere

6. What shoe size does He wear?
10 1/2- 11

7. If He were to collect anything, what would it be?
Computer parts, bits and bobs or Manga books.

8. What is His favorite type of sandwich?
Homemade Pot Roast French Dip

9. What is His favorite cereal?
S’mores

10. What would He never wear?
Shorts.

11. What is His favourite sports team?
He doesn’t watch sports except when it’s the World Cup, then he root for England.

12. Who did He vote for in the last election?
He didn’t. He can’t vote in the US.

13. What is something you do that He wishes you wouldn’t do?
Oiy. Talk with my mouth full, chew with my mouth open.

14. You bake a cake for His birthday, what kind?
Triple chocolate lava cake with extra frosting.

15. What is His heritage?
Scottish and English

16. Did He play sports in high school?
No.

17. What could He spend hours doing?
Computer programming and gaming. And he does. Both. Regularly.

18. What is one unique talent He has?
He knows a lot of stupid trivia. You know the stuff I mean.

This week so far has been a busy one. I’m trying to, once again, make a homemaking binder and to be more productive throughout the day. This time, I decided my binder would be online since I’m in front of some form of digital device almost all day long. I read in an ebook I purchased called, “Paperless Home Organization” (this is NOT an affiliate link) about how to use Evernote, Remember the Milk and Gmail to make my productivity soar if I can just learn the  program and make it work for me.

I’ve been slowly adding the mess of to do’s and lists and routines I’ve had spread all over into one place and so far it’s been great seeing things together and I’ve actually got a few things done that I don’t think I would have remembered had I not written them down and used the program.

I’m amazed at how scattered the documents I use are. They are not only in paper form but in Dropbox, in Google Drive and on my old notebook blog. The goal is to get it all together and working for me so that I can spend less time looking for things and more time actually doing them.

Yesterday Master had his wisdom teeth pulled. They had been hurting him for quite awhile so it came to no surprise that they would need to come out. He’s recovering well, but definitely tired of soft foods and lukewarm coffee. Tomorrow he can start adding warmer foods if he feels ready for it.

He’s not done either. I don’t envy him, but he has a lot of dental work to go to fix up his mouth. I’m sure I have a lot too, but I’m waiting until he’s had some more work and I get new glasses. I’ve needed new glasses for a bit now, these are so scratched up that they never seem clean.

Once his paycheck arrives this month we’ll have the money to put a deposit down on a place where we are headed, once we find it. At least it will be in savings just waiting for the right moment. We also have to wait until then to go traveling and searching. The waiting is killing me. I want someplace now!

I went back to tracking my food on Sparkpeople to reign in my eating and exercise. I also amended my goal since there is no way I’ll reach it by our Anniversary. So I changed it to my Birthday in October. The widget on this site should be updated to reflect that too.

I think I’m going to get back into my home management binder work. Take care everyone.

–lunaKM

Master let me go get a manicure and pedicure on Wednesday and I felt all pampered and pretty when that was done. It lifted my spirits to do that.

And all of you are right; everyone has moments of negative body image and I will get over them. I’m going to do right by my Master and start working out and eating right again. Pentatonix is coming back to Iowa for the State Fair but he said no since I dropped my healthy eating/exercise plan as soon as the concert was over. I understand but I’m also crushed. Bummer. Hopefully the come back again!

The weekend BDSM convention was fun and I have a separate post planned for that as well as sharing my first scene that included froggy. It was pretty fun. So watch for that.

–lunaKM

Master and I talk all the time, and before the post went live we had already discussed my declining playfulness and my desire to rekindle it. We came to a conclusion that part of the reason it isn’t happening right now is that I’ve been sick off and on for weeks and it’s hard to feel sexually playful when you are sick every other day. Which of course amplifies any reaction to the playfulness I see between froggy and Master because I’m unable to engage in my own due to illness.

The other fact is that I’m feeling very negative about my attractiveness and my body right now. It’s got me really down at the moment and while I know exactly what I need to do to make it right that doesn’t help the feelings I’m experiencing right this moment. It’s not what Master sees and I know it. He finds my body very attractive and even though I love that he practically stops whatever he’s doing to watch me walk through the room I still feel like a blob.

Master has suggested that we take some sexy photos of me to try to boost my body confidence. I used to love being in front of the camera and posing for Master. For some reason or another I stopped wanting to do it. I agree that I’d have fun doing that for him so we have that planned.

In fact we had it planned for tonight but I’m feeling so depressed that I can’t even think about being sexy let alone letting it show on my face. Master feels so helpless right now. He’s frequently asking me if there is anything he can do and honestly there isn’t anything. And my tears are creating painful glances from him. I wish he could help me, I do.

I just have to dig through it and find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t help that I’ve gained 4 lbs in 2 weeks. The scale can be an evil master.  But looking at what I’ve been eating lately there is no surprise that I’ve gained. I’ve really slipped and not cared one hoot about it.

But Master has noticed and has mentioned here and there that he’s concerned that I’ve not exercised in a long time, or that I’m eating an awful lot of bad for me foods and less of the good ones. I’m snacking more and drinking less water. I well aware of it.

So, today when Master asked when I was going to exercise again and when I said I didn’t know, he wanted to know what kind of excuse that was. I got up right away and did a power mile (WATP). While I’m happy I did it, I’m still crying because I feel ugly.

You see, even though I usually have fantastic body image and I’m usually confident that I exude sexuality and femininity I have my off days. No one is perfect. I’m not sure how I’ll recover this time around but I know I will.

Mischief in May is this weekend. I do hope that I can feel good about myself by then. Maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to play in public. I don’t even want to get undressed in front of others. It’s interesting to think that last year when I weighed 20 lbs more I was just fine flashing it all – even asking people to check out my saline-inflated breasts.

I’ve got 4 days. Let’s see if I can turn it around.

–lunaKM

If this means the honeymoon is over I don’t want that! I do know that at some point down the line I stopped responding favorably. I started whining and complaining when he asked these things of me. It has been like that for almost 8 years now.

And with froggy around, he’s getting to do those little things, with her.

I’ve asked him several times just today if I’m as much fun as she is. “Of course I am,” he says. I believe him, but part of me wonders why I stopped responding to his little games so long ago. I’ve never really figured that out.

It’s something I’d like to try to rekindle, but after 8 years of negative responses from me, how is he supposed to know that I might play back or just give him the cold shoulder again?

Most of what I’m saying is just internal monologue and I don’t expect anyone to follow it. I felt the desire to talk to myself about something troubling me.

Like tonight, he pinched my nipples through my shirt and instead of sighing or moaning or showing even the slightest joy for his attention. I cringed and muttered, “ouch”. And it’s not that I didn’t want his attention or that it really hurt to begin with. Did I want him to stop? No.

Give me back the playful.

–lunaKM

By the time I woke Master up the headache had come down a notch but the rest of my symptoms screamed at me. I spent the day laying about from the bedroom to the living room, sitting up, laying down. Trying to sleep and failing. Sitting in the bathroom praying I don’t throw up. It’s been a bad bad day.

Master insisted I take it easy and has been checking on me constantly. He even was sweet to go to the store for some 7up for my stomach. I felt a twinge of guilt that I had asked him to go to the store. It was odd and I tweeted about it as I was feeling it. I’m his slave and usually am the one taking care of him so the guilt was more that I was asking him to do something for me and that I was unable to take care of him.

I’m sure it’s a normal reaction and I’ve struggled with it before. Often I’m okay with it, I’ve accepted that he takes care of me when I’m sick, but today just doesn’t feel comfortable. It could be because he’s not feeling well himself. He has a toothache that has prompted the scheduling of having all 4 wisdom teeth removed. And that’s just the start of the dental care he needs. Master is taking penicillin for the infection and it’s not agreeing with his stomach. So he’s miserable. I should be caring for him. That’s my job.

Yes I know you are all saying to yourself that it’s his job to take care of me and I know that, and I agree completely however I’m still feeling a bit off about the whole thing.

Tonight my headache part is all but gone. I still and quite nauseous and dizzy, weak and tired. I’m trying not to do too much moving around and will attempt to sleep early.

This weekend is a weekend without froggy – which I’m thankful for only because neither Master nor myself are well enough right now. She’ll get to spend some time with her daughter. We’ll recover. She’ll be back up here next weekend.

Speaking of froggy, she’s really stressing Master out right now. He’s short with me a lot today even if he doesn’t mean to. He’s said that he’s been talking to froggy about things and that’s about all he shares. It’s none of my business anyway. Hopefully he can play his video games and “kill” enough people to vent some steam.

I’m going to rest up some more.

–lunaKM