Surely I could do it, right? I could keep my phone off for 36 hours, right?

Wrong.

I lasted a total of 11 hours, 10 of which I was either sleeping or driving.

Starting with one photo, it snowballed from there. I shared pictures on Instagram, I posted on Facebook, I checked in on Foursquare, and I even used Twitter. I got called out for not really being “off the grid” and I started thinking about it.

I didn’t check my email.

I didn’t scroll through Facebook looking at others’ feeds. I ignored all of the groups I belong to.

I didn’t glance through Instagram to see what was posted or even who liked the photos I took.

I didn’t play games on my phone or ignore the company I was with or look at my phone over and over again to see if I had any new notifications.

I didn’t even bring my phone with me when we went to the spa for massages or down to the pool.

I went away for a weekend, I relaxed by the pool, drank fruity drinks, got a massage, got some sun, ate fantastic food, and spent engaged, fully attentive time in the company of a friend. We had great conversations while ignoring everything outside of our little circle.

And yes, while I shared some of the happiness and fun that I was having with the online world, I didn’t partake in anything that the world wanted to offer me – whether it consisted of stressful emails, funny Facebook memes, or heavily filtered Instagram food photos. I wasn’t compelled to see what I missing and was content to enjoy my time to the fullest extent I could.

In my mind, that totally counts as being off the grid.

Actually, you know what? It’s better than being off the grid – I was able to use technology without being reliant on it and without disrupting my ability to have fun and be present in the moment. I was proximate to the grid. And if that’s as far as I can get to being completely off the grid? I’m okay with that.

Rum runners and fruity rum drinks from noon until midnight!

One of the few times we used our phones.

The list we left for the maid at the Clearwater Beach Marriott Suites Sand Key.

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She told me Challenger jokes when the disaster was a day old.

She was proud of me for being able to forge her signature on a permission slip when I was seven.

She pinned me to the ground on the volleyball court at camp when I was being a smartass and made me apologize in front of my classmates, to my complete mortification.

She taught me how to use my wits and words to sway the opinions and decisions of others.

She rubbed my head and helped me go to sleep when I had my first panic attack about eternity.

She instilled within me the desire and ability to work hard, rise to the top, and perform above and beyond expectations.

She showed me the value in having good friends who become an integral part of your family.

She expects more from me than anyone else, other than myself, because she has an unshakable faith in what I can accomplish.

In so many ways, I am my mother. We share a need to control the world around us because we are the only people we trust to get the job done correctly. We hate to show vulnerability, and I’ve had to actively rebel against the fear of exposing my rawest, deepest emotions to the public. We absorb information and learn from our surroundings, becoming self-declared experts on hundreds of topics, perpetually knowing a little about a lot. We don’t follow because it always makes more sense to lead. We read everything in front of us and lose ourselves in the worlds of books for hours on end. We hate celebrating our own birthdays and we hate receiving gifts, but we delight in throwing parties and giving gifts to others. We think that we know what’s best for everyone and will go to great strides to convince others to take the path we think is right. We care more than we let on because we’re so easily let down by those around us who fail to achieve what they should be able to achieve.

My mother and I have many politically and religiously divergent views and don’t agree in many situations. For so many years, though, I was inseparable from her, talking on the phone daily, going over every decision with her, and trying to hide from her the aspects of my life that might cause her disappointment or concern. Over time, though, I realized that I needed to identify who I was separate from the beliefs and desires of my mother, a step I took in college when I began choosing classes my junior year by myself for the first time. This hurt my mother, though she would never admit it, but it was an essential move on my part. The only way I could ever show her how well she and my father had done as parents was to break from her completely and do it my own way.

It has to be difficult to have me as a son. I’m stubborn, outspoken, and have no ability to recognize boundaries. I like to challenge stereotypes and preconceived notions, I go out of my way to be a spectacle so that I can make a point, and I am never shy with my opinion. I court controversy and encourage a degree of chaos, and I eschew tradition every chance that I get. If I get what I want out of life, my exposure to the world will only be larger and the spotlight will only get brighter, and it cannot be easy when I know that my every word and action reflects in some way on my family but am never deterred from saying exactly what I think. If my mother had her choice, I’d be married with children, practicing law, and settled in a nice conservative community, but she loves me no less even though I’m 36, divorced and acting very single, and trying to start a new career in comedy rather than being safe with my choices.

Mom, thank you for everything. I appreciate what you’ve done for me and continuously do for me, and while I may never listen to your entreaties to stop embarrassing myself on the Internet, I know you want nothing but the best for me. Your excitement when I published my book and your laughter when I performed stand-up were two of the greatest honors I could ever hope to achieve with my work. I love you.

P.S. This is your Mother’s Day present.

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Recently Michelle Obama got in trouble for referring to herself as a “busy single mother”, subsequently upsetting millions of single mothers around the nation. In the United States over $100 billion in child support is currently in arrears, leaving single moms left holding the bag when the fathers of their children refuse to provide support. But some single moms are giving up the fight in court, and turning to a new kind of Daddy to help support their children: A Sugar Daddy.

400,000 singles moms have joined SeekingArrangement.com in search of a Sugar Daddy since 2007. The mutually beneficial dating website marks the week after Mother’s Day as the biggest surge in single mother sign ups each year, 3100 joining that week in 2012. The average monthly allowance for a single mother sugar baby is $2700, 9x more than the average amount of monthly child support in the U.S., making a mutually beneficial arrangement a highly desirable alternative to reluctant co-parenting.

“For single mothers, Mother’s Day has become a painful reminder of the struggle and hardships they endure to make ends meet in a one-parent household,” says Brandon Wade, Founder & CEO of SeekingArrangement.com. “A mutually beneficial relationship can provide the same kind of support as a marriage, with out the strings attached.”

I can introduce you to women who are entering into sugar arrangements in order to better their lives and the lives of their children. A former stripper from Detroit stopped taking off her clothes to pay the bills, and started raising her standards in potential dating partners. Now she is going back to school, and recently purchased a home for her and her daughter. Another single mom in Baltimore is preparing to graduate debt free thanks to the financial support of her sugar daddies, and is celebrating by going to Disney World with her son, on someone else’s dime. The sugar daddy lifestyle is very prominent among single moms, an attractive way to better their financial situations and provide support for their children.

If you are interested in interviewing a single mom from our website or would like more information about SeekingArrangement.com, please feel free to call me at +1 702 241 0100 or email me at Jennifer@seekingarrangement.com. I have also attached a press release on this recent trend for your convenience.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Best,
Jennifer Gwynn
Public Relations Manager
SeekingArrangement.com
+1 702 241 0100
Jennifer@seekingarrangement.com

As you can imagine, this piqued my interest. Single moms? Mutually beneficial arrangements? Reluctant co-parenting? Michelle Obama? Struggle and hardships? I had to know more!

I sent the following email to Jennifer:

Hi Jennifer,

I was horrified to read how difficult the lives of single mothers are and think that it’s fantastic that your company helps these brave women to reach mutually beneficial arrangements with Sugar Daddies so that they can continue to live fruitful, productive lives while taking care of their children.

While I’m not a parent or a woman, I am a blogger with a large female audience, and I think that your organization could benefit from an unbiased review of the services you facilitate, along with my unique perspective on the quality of SeekingArrangement.com. However, I have a few questions:

1. Are most of the single moms earning monthly allowances from just one Sugar Daddy (I hate writing Sugar Daddy, so in the interest of simplicity, I’m just going to name them all “John”) at a time, or is the average monthly allowance of $2700 a cumulative amount from, say, nine different Johns who all gave her $300 a month, or thirty different men who gave her $90 a month, or even ninety men who each gave her $30 a month?

2. Do you allow the women to explicitly limit what the allowance will get each John? Are there other mutual benefits to these Johns except for sex? Do these single moms usually try to calculate what their allowance should be based on an hourly rate of time spent with each John?

3. Does SeekingArrangement.com take a percentage of every allowance? How do you penalize the single moms who don’t pay their cut?

4. Are these single moms safe? Does SeekingArrangement.com send around a corporate representative on each mutually beneficial date to ensure that everything stays above board and that none of the Johns are people of low moral fiber?

5. Does SeekingArrangement.com help these single moms with writing their profiles so that they can attract the appropriate type of John? I would imagine that many of these women aren’t used to writing hooks that will draw someone in or pitching in that way, so hopefully your company helps teach the single moms the best pitching and hooking techniques.

6. Is SeekingArrangement.com able to help single moms who have recently arrived from other countries, who may not have the language skills or citizenship they need, to achieve the American dream by earning money and perhaps their green card?

7. How much negotiation happens? Do you assign a Head Negotiator In Charge to help the Johns and the single moms to arrive at the mutually beneficial arrangement? Does your CEO, Brandon Wade, get involved in these discussions as the HNIC?

8. Would SeekingArrangement.com be willing to provide me with $2700 so that I could work out a mutually beneficial arrangement with a single mom near me, and then write an unbiased product review? I’m more than happy to promote it online and pimp it out on all of the social media networks, unless SeekingArrangement.com would prefer to be the only one doing any pimping of the product.

Jennifer, thank you for your informative email, and I think it’s refreshing to see a site that can help struggling single moms to make the most of their assets, enter into mutually beneficial arrangements that help them out of a financial hole, and become pros at taking control of their lives.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Adam Heath Avitable

UPDATED 5/7/13 – I received the following completely serious reply from Jennifer:

Hi Adam,

Thank you for your interest in this story. Single motherhood is a lifelong struggle for many, and our goal is to introduce the mutually beneficial lifestyle to these women in hopes that they choose a path that improves their lives, and the lives of their children. I appreciate your candor and your intent to write a balanced article about our website, I hope it is sincere. There is obviously a stigma still attached to these arrangements, but the nature of the dating scene is changing rapidly. Traditional relationships are being redefined, and women are becoming more independent and seeking partnerships instead of a one-sided relationship. Our hope is to inspire women to only date men who will add value to their lives instead of settling for something less than they truly deserve. Here are the answers to the questions you have asked:

1. Are most of the single moms earning monthly allowances from just one Sugar Daddy (I hate writing Sugar Daddy, so in the interest of simplicity, I’m just going to name them all “John”) at a time, or is the average monthly allowance of $2700 a cumulative amount from, say, nine different Johns who all gave her $300 a month, or thirty different men who gave her $90 a month, or even ninety men who each gave her $30 a month?

While many sugar babies choose to have more than one sugar daddy,(90 is a very unreasonable assumption, these are relationships not transactions. It would be virtually impossible to date 90 men at once), single moms are typically the most monogamous demographic. The $2700 average is configured based on the typical amount received by single moms on the site, whether it is paid directly or indirectly through tuition, car loans or rent.

2. Do you allow the women to explicitly limit what the allowance will get each John? Are there other mutual benefits to these Johns except for sex? Do these single moms usually try to calculate what their allowance should be based on an hourly rate of time spent with each John?

In terms of sex, we don’t allow sex to be a mandatory part of any arrangement, that would be illegal. The men and women on SeekingArrangement.com are looking for relationships, not an alternative avenue for prostitution. Frankly, a man who is looking for such a transaction could find that at a much lower cost and with out jumping through hoops, elsewhere. We don’t allow any kind of sexual language on the website, and strictly prohibit known escorts or prostitutes from joining the site. The allowances are negotiated between both parties based on budget and need. All members have different needs, and while many Sugar Daddies (I won’t call them Johns, as that is a term usually only spoken in the sex-work industry) do have time restrictions due to their busy schedules or needs, most relationships are less formal than that. In actuality, most sugar relationships resemble a typical boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Many people do fall in love, some even get married.

3. Does SeekingArrangement.com take a percentage of every allowance? How do you penalize the single moms who don’t pay their cut?

The only role we play in an arrangement is providing a platform for introductions, and act as a resource for those who are interested in the mutually beneficial lifestyle. After the introduction has been made, we do not play a role in any particular relationship off the site. SeekingArrangement.com makes it’s money from the Sugar Daddy members, we never take a cut of an allowance.

4. Are these single moms safe? Does SeekingArrangement.com send around a corporate representative on each mutually beneficial date to ensure that everything stays above board and that none of the Johns are people of low moral fiber?

There is a common misconception that a Sugar dating site is unsavory, or somehow less safe than any other dating site. This is completely untrue. In fact, we have more security resources any place than most typical online dating websites. We are one of the few dating sites that offer background checks to our members, and while we don’t require them to undergo screening, we recommend all members to only date verified members. We also have an in-house screening process that screens for any in-genuine profiles, and prevents a lot of insincere users from joining. In addition to that, we have a very vocal community of women who speak to each other through blogs and community boards. If a member is insincere, often this information will be shared amongst the community and that member will be ousted with out our intervention. But we also take all complaints very seriously and will kick a member off for violating our terms of use.

5. Does SeekingArrangement.com help these single moms with writing their profiles so that they can attract the appropriate type of John? I would imagine that many of these women aren’t used to writing hooks that will draw someone in or pitching in that way, so hopefully your company helps teach the single moms the best pitching and hooking techniques.

We are actually currently working on implementing a program for profile writing assistance in the next few months. We do offer advice and tutorials on our member blog where we have covered this topic in the past, which has acted as a resource for new members to refer to. But currently we do not directly market this service.

6. Is SeekingArrangement.com able to help single moms who have recently arrived from other countries, who may not have the language skills or citizenship they need, to achieve the American dream by earning money and perhaps their green card?

We do not discriminate against any members joining, as long as they do not violate our terms of use. SeekingArrangement.com is available worldwide and is translated in 8 different languages. I would imagine that many women, not just immigrants, have been able to fulfill their version of the “American Dream” with help from their sugar daddies. We have such a wide variety of members from so many different backgrounds, it’s hard to put them all in to the same categories. Our biggest demographic by far is the female college student. Many could argue that education is the foundation of the American Dream, opening many doors that would otherwise be closed for both citizens and non-citizens. Female co-eds find a great benefit to dating a successful man who can not only help fund their educations, but many also act as mentors, helping guide them in their chosen career paths and providing them access to networking opportunities that would normally not exist. In this way, a mutually beneficial relationship can directly contribute to achieving the “American Dream.”

7. How much negotiation happens? Do you assign a Head Negotiator In Charge to help the Johns and the single moms to arrive at the mutually beneficial arrangement? Does your CEO, Brandon Wade, get involved in these discussions as the HNIC?

SeekingArrangement.com is just a platform for introductions. We do not take part in the negotiations.

8. Would SeekingArrangement.com be willing to provide me with $2700 so that I could work out a mutually beneficial arrangement with a single mom near me, and then write an unbiased product review? I’m more than happy to promote it online and pimp it out on all of the social media networks, unless SeekingArrangement.com would prefer to be the only one doing any pimping of the product.

We would never set up an aspiring sugar baby with a faux sugar relationship, that would be detrimental to her experience and could negatively impact her life. I can arrange for single moms who participate in these types of relationships to speak with you about their experiences. But we do not allow reporters or journalists to join the site under false pretenses. Please let me know if you are interested.

And here is my reply to that:

Jennifer,

I would definitely be interested in emailing with one or two of your single moms who are happy with the lifestyle choice of being in a sugar relationship, as well. Thank you!

UPDATE: 5/7/13 2:55 PM

Jennifer replied to me shortly afterwards:

Hi Adam,

Here are the answers to your follow up questions:

1. You mentioned that sometimes the men don’t pay the women directly, but instead pay their rent or tuition. What about barter? Are there situations where the men trade services, like repair, personal training, or massage, in return for the mutually beneficial relationship?

I have heard of a few women who have helped them out personally in trade for things like house sitting or administrative work. That is very uncommon however, typically the relationships are more like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and aren’t seen as a “services rendered” type transaction.

2. Do the men and/or women get rated and ranked, like eBay does with sellers and buyers?

We do not rate or rank women or men, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there is someone out there for everyone.

3. Do you think that a site like this empowers women and gives them control like when a woman is a highly sought after exotic dancer, or do you think that it capitalizes on women and takes advantage of them like when a woman is a less highly sought after exotic dancer?

We absolutely believe that this is lifestyle that empowers women to ask for more in their relationships. We are encouraging women to set a standard for themselves: to only date someone who is successful and generous and can actually benefit their life in some way. There is so much pressure on a single woman to couple up, and many women end up settling for less than they deserve after buckling under that pressure.

4. I don’t know your situation, but if you didn’t have this hopefully lucrative position explaining how much your site can benefit single moms, and if you were a single mother, would you use it? How much would you have to earn a month to be worthwhile?

While I am married, I believe that all relationships would be mutually beneficial in nature. Why would you marry someone, or date someone who is taking more than they give? It’s not about earning money while you are dating, it’s about dating someone who can add value to your life and help take care of you. This website was founded on the belief that all women deserve to be treated like princesses, and the men they date should have the means and the mindset to provide for them. If I were single, I wouldn’t be “charging” someone to date me. That’s not how this website works. As long as there is chemistry and the man I’d be dating is bettering my life is some way, that would be all it would take to make it “worthwhile”.

5. Have you ever considered having a tiered service that would rank the woman by attractiveness, intelligence, cleanliness, health, and age, and then allowing men with not enough income to create an arrangement with someone to bid on the less desirable ones?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We are creating opportunities for people to interact with people they normally wouldn’t encounter. Men can search by keywords, locations and other qualities that they deem important, we wouldn’t to restrict them from finding the person they are looking for based on our perceived opinions of attractiveness or intelligence. That leaves absolutely no room for serendipity and potentially hinders someone from finding their desired relationship.

Jennifer Gwynn
Public Relations Manager
SeekingArrangement.com
+1 702 241 0100
jennifer@seekingarrangement.com

At this point, I’ll wait until she puts me in touch with a few of the single moms and see what they have to say.

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Looking through their site, I realized that their products are for the small to large business who wants to market a product or service, inform the public, or annoy everyone with a really distracting car that you can’t stop looking at as you’re trying to drive 90 mph down the road. They make custom stickers and car decals and giant magnets and all types of custom business products that seem pretty fucking cool.

I do, in fact, own a business, but with no brick and mortar store (hell, I don’t even wear pants) or any tangible business location, it didn’t make sense to use their custom products for something pertinent to my company. Not that this will stop some businesses – the other day, I saw a kid dressed as a giant tooth standing outside a dentist’s office spinning a sign that said “Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is”. Why is that a valuable way to spend your marketing money? Is someone going to be driving by with an impacted molar and say “Hey! I don’t need to research the doctor who I’ll trust my dental health to! Why would I ask for recommendations from friends for someone to be my doctor? I’ll just go the place with the sullen teenager in the giant fucking tooth costume!” I guess it could have been worse – at least it wasn’t an Ob/Gyn.

Anyway. After looking through Signazon’s site and settling on a window cling that would be two feet wide by four feet tall, I tried to figure out what I wanted on it. It would be going on one of my front or back windows, and I felt like it should have an important message.

“Recycle!” Nah.

“Solicitors and Jehovah’s Witnesses will be flashed by a fat naked man.” No, they all know that already. I’m in the newsletter.

“Welcome to The Avitable Camp For Wayward Women.” I mean, that is the actual name for my home on Foursquare, but nah.

And then I had it. I wanted something that I could look at on my bedroom’s rear sliding glass doors every morning as I woke up. Something that would inspire me. Motivate me. Arouse me.

When the window cling arrived from Signazon, I was impressed with it. It’s see-through, easy to read, and applied very easily to my slider. I wish that instructions had come in the box rather than emailed with my order, but that’s a minor concern. I’ve had it clinging to my slider for the past few weeks without incident. It’s high quality and something I would totally buy and use for a business if mine was a brick and mortar store or had local services like an ice cream parlor, an exterminator, a contractor or plumber, or a local escort service.

And if you’re wondering, I totally got paid to write this review and got the product for free, but the guys at Signazon have no control over what I’m actually going to say. In fact, I think they’re probably trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking by asking me of all people to review their products. All I can say to that is that it could have been worse, guys. It could have been so much worse.

Now if only a psychiatrist would pay me to review her services as she offers me free counseling to deal with the narcissism . . .

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Carolina entered the picture a few years after James and I met, and it was obvious to anyone who saw them that they were a match made in Ned’s “The Pie Hole”. She’s a proud card-carrying nerd and a great youthful balance to James’s ornery old man ways. And best of all, she never resented me for inserting myself into their lives over and over again. And over. And Oh My God over and over again. In my opinion, she was a saint and they should just make it official already.

This year, they finally decided to tie the knot. In typical James and Carolina fashion, it was going to be a small informal event, with less than twenty people in attendance. There would be no attendees, no groomsmen, no bridesmaids, no ring-bearers, no flower girls. Just family, friends, the bride, the groom, and the person to preside over the ceremony and make it official:

To say that I was honored would be an understatement. James, while my best friend, isn’t exactly a supporter of most of my normal shenanigans and tends to get frustrated with the fact that I make every antic, action, and activity public for the world. The fact that he would trust me to preside over his wedding, which included writing the entire ceremony script, spoke volumes to me.

A few days later, my credentials arrived. I started to understand how Jesus must have felt. I have the power to marry people and baptize children and preside over funerals! I am the most powerful person in the world! I AM GOD MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can . . . do the same things that anybody else can if they go to a website and fill out some information. Hmmph.

Writing the script for the ceremony was a challenge. James told me to make it fun, keep it light, and write something that would appeal to the geek in both of them. I was tempted to include references that would mean something to James and I only, but I had to keep reminding myself “Adam, you’re not marrying James. That’s not allowed in Florida yet. You’re giving him away to Carolina now. Let him go.”

On the big day, I was nervous. What if their parents hated what I had written? What if there was a tornado? What if James was lying about the whole thing and it was just one of those stories that he makes up all the time? What if Bruce Willis was dead the whole time? What if Verbal IS Keyser Söze?

I shouldn’t have worried. It went beautifully. The ceremony script was received well, with the parents being puzzled at many of the references that got a chuckle from the bride and groom and friends. There were tears, and not just on my part. Though, for the future, it’s good to know that if you have to take a second to collect yourself so you don’t cry, everyone may assume that you’re pausing for comedic effect.

[JAMES AND CAROLINE STAND FACING EACH OTHER]

On one side, we have James, the Clown Prince, the prankster, the man of a thousand quirks. His obsessive compulsions and anal retentive tendencies may outnumber the people he knows, but it’s the friends he keeps close who see him for the loyal, gentle-hearted man that he is.

On the other, we have Caroline, the New Yorker Dora, the numerical wizard, the woman with the mischievous smirk. Letting her geek flag fly proudly, this diminutive astronaut will never let her OCD shift her focus from the people and puppies who mean the most to her.

These two have found each other, against all odds, and it is my pleasure today to preside over that day I never thought would come – their wedding.

Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary defines a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden. And while that is a bit odd, it’s entirely appropriate. We are here to pluck the weeds of singlehood and plant the oranges of matrimony.

Marriage is not easy. It takes work, compromise, and, most importantly, two people. It requires that James love Caroline even though she continues to ignore her allergies and intolerances to tomatoes and dairy and eat pizza with extra cheese. It means that Caroline loves James even when he tries to convince her that he had a brother named Hugo who lived in the attic because he can’t help himself from making up stories about the strangest things.

If I have learned anything from my marriage and from all of the movies and television shows I’ve watched, it’s that there are three important rules to a successful marriage. First, you have to have love. When two people truly love each other, for example, they can demonstrate that love by building robot replicas of the other to show how much they love their original meat suit versions. Second, you must have trust and honesty. You have to trust that when life hands you a chance to be with someone special, you grab that brownish area by its points and you don’t let go. Finally, the third rule of marriage is that you never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

[JAMES AND CAROLINE TURN AND FACE ME]

James, will you take Caroline to be your lawful wedded wife? Will you get things off of high shelves for her, tolerate her feet digging under you, and love and cherish her until the robot apocalypse?
[James: I do.]

Caroline, will you take James to be your lawful wedded husband? Will you give him perspective on how normal people do things, keep him young at heart, and teach him how to use Facebook properly before he’s 90?
[Caroline: I do.]

[JAMES AND CAROLINE TURN AND FACE EACH OTHER]

And now James and Caroline will recite their vows that they’ve personally written.
[James and Caroline give their vows.]

This ring is a symbol of your commitment to each other, to Gordo and Walter, and to your life together as a husband and wife. The ring is symbolic because as a circle, it has no beginning and no end, as there will be no end to the mutual love and trust that you share. And, also, we don’t have square fingers, so it wouldn’t make any sense to have a ring be any other shape.

James, please place the ring on Caroline’s finger.
Caroline, please place the ring on James’s finger.

[TURN AND FACE ME]

From this day forward, until the Observers come from the future and enslave us all, James’s and Caroline’s lives shall be shared and spent as one. And by the power vested in me by the state of Florida, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now enjoy squishy smooches.

James and Carolina had chosen to write their own vows, and they were both truly amazing, filled with references to Futurama, Serenity, Dr. Seuss, Back to the Future, and Fringe, among others. Each of their vows mirrored the others in serendipitous wonder, and can be summed up best in a quote from Carolina’s vows:

“May our love story live up to the likes of Wash & Zoe, Olivia & Peter, Super Hoody Simon and Alisha … and even though they are merely characters from TV shows, I’ll leave it on this note, as said by Saffron from Firefly, ‘I cried for I’d not dreamed to have a man so sweet, so kind and beautiful. Had I date to choose, I’d choose you from all the men on all the planets the night sky could show me.’”

To me, the most interesting part of this entire weekend was that the feelings and strength of James and Carolina’s connections to each other was in no way made lesser or frivolous from the informal setting with a big bald goofball like me marrying them. In fact, I feel like their feelings were more truly pronounced without the pomp and circumstance and without the weight of tradition and years of etiquette and structure. It felt pure and true and honest, and I wish more people who genuinely wanted to be married would get married in this way. And also, I want them to ask me to marry them, because I AM GOD! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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We were laying in bed, so I would have asked questions about that strange request if it weren’t for the two drinks I’d had. Okay, eight drinks. Okay, twelve. Engrossed in strangers’ food photos on Instagram, I reached around blindly on the floor for my wallet, fished out a dollar bill and passed it across the bed. In my head she needed to get a soda from the vending machine, but that didn’t make sense. We were at my house, not a hotel, but even then it wasn’t until I heard the unmistakable “Snnnifffffff” that it clicked into place.

I glanced at the girl who was squatting naked over my bedside table, cutting white powder into lines with a credit card. “Want some?” she gestured with the dollar bill wildly.

“Nooo, I’m . . . gonna pass.”

“You don’t mind if I do, though, do you?” Do I mind? It’s a little late to ask, isn’t it? Do I care that you pulled a bag of cocaine out of your purse and have it spread across my nightstand? Do I mind that you’re using my dollar bill to snort that directly into your bloodstream? I wish I could say that I was a stronger person. That I said she should leave. But I’m only human. And more importantly, I’m only human with another naked human in bed with him.

Over the next four hours, as our activities resumed, my bedside table became a winter wonderland, powder coating its surface, filling every edge of the wood. My companion was frenzied and passionate and also paranoid and a little violent, and at one point I think possessed by Satan, but once she crashed, I slept blissfully.

A few days passed. I padded around the house, putting things away, tidying up before the housekeepers came to clean. It was when I began to take the sheets off the bed that I noticed it. Oh, no big deal – just a quarter-inch groove in my nightstand that was still filled with cocaine. In her excited state, she must have missed it, and in our excited states, we must have covered the nightstand with an extra pillow that hadn’t been moved until today.  That didn’t help me right now, though, as I needed to make sure that my housekeepers didn’t see that. I’ve already pushed them far enough by leaving condoms, three-week old pizza, and a giant statue of Yoda around my house – why risk it?

But it wasn’t as simple as it seemed. In fact, cleaning it out proved to be nigh-impossible. My thumbnail only served to pack it further into the wood but not so much that it wasn’t unmistakably cocaine or baby powder, the existence of either of which would be really weird on my bedside table. A Q-tip wouldn’t really fit in there, and I didn’t have a vacuum cleaner with a thin enough attachment. There was really only one thing left to do.

I put my lips close to the groove and blew as hard as I could. And it worked! In a magical white cloud, the coke puffed off the table, where the ceiling fan promptly blew it right into my face. My response, of course, was to inhale instinctively.

That was this morning. And that was when I accidentally did cocaine. And also organized my closet, helped a friend write a four page paper, answered 84 emails, wrote a poem, did six loads of laundry, folded six loads of laundry, ironed 10 shirts, ironed my sheets, ironed my towels, sorted my photos, cleaned out four gigabytes of space on my hard drive, alphabetized my DVD collection, took a walk, and wrote this post.

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I hate those words.

I’ve used them. Just like I’ve used “My sincerest condolences” but I absolutely hate those words. I know the sentiment behind them is genuine, yet the words ring false. To my ears, they speak of apathy and insincerity surrounding a moment of true compassion, and I hate it.

When tragedy strikes, I actively rebel against expressing platitudes and overwrought sentiments. I look for laughter. I try to find humor in a pitch-black world. I tell jokes. I make fun.

But why? Why do I do it?

In the past, I’ve explained how I use humor as a coping mechanism. It is how I deal with difficult situations, it’s how I handle life, and it’s what many people need to hear when moments seem the most grim.

I get challenged on this statement. I’ve heard that I’m not experiencing any pain, that this isn’t a coping mechanism, that it’s just a false excuse that I use so that I can make light of the sufferings of others, that it’s insincere and fake, that it’s a cop out. How can I say that I use humor to deal with pain and tragedy when I’m not personally suffering? I can’t blame anyone who has said this or thought it because it’s based on an incomplete reality. Without all of the information, how can they say anything else? It’s what you don’t see – what you couldn’t possibly know – that makes the difference.

When I heard about the explosions that rocked the Boston Marathon, killing three and injuring countless others, I didn’t delve deeper. I stayed away from the details, and I told a joke about it, because that’s what I have to do. In my world, I have no choice.

I don’t know how it is for others. I can’t speak to that. All I can describe is what happens in my mind, when my overactive imagination combines with my empathy to form an overwhelmingly graphic film in my head. I don’t even have to read more than the headlines to be inundated with imagery. I close my eyes and see it all. The shock wave, shrapnel and ball bearings flying everywhere. The guttural cries of pain. A man with ragged bloody stumps where his legs were only seconds before. A child dying, never to grow old or experience the mysteries of life. The icy cold of shock spreading out in waves. The terrified screams of horror and the blanketing silence of the dead. That’s what I see, and the more I immerse myself in the stories, the more overwhelmed I am. If it wasn’t for my barriers and defense mechanisms, I would shut down, incapable of functioning.

Staying away from it isn’t a solution, either. My imagination can be tempered by reality, so I’m compelled to read about it and absorb every detail to try to dial back the imagery. Even then, though, it’s not always enough. I remember watching the beheading of Daniel Pearl ten years ago, and I can still see it when I close my eyes. I watched it and cried, not breathing, just sobbed, imagining myself in his position, knowing that was the end of my life, having no choice or control, and then I watched it again. And again. And again. Punishing myself over and over for being healthy and alive and fine while someone else suffered such atrocities.

“I heard that they declared a winner for the Boston Marathon. He came in first, second, fourth, and twelfth.”

This is how I cope.

This is the way that I take that imagery and shunt it aside. I use logic. I talk about abstract elements like one tragedy in the scope of all the tragedies in the world and the amount of people who die every second. I use humor. I tell jokes that shock and appall but bring that release of laughter. I use writing. With my words, I can express my true feelings and work through that which could be mentally and emotionally overwhelming.

I don’t need to have suffered the pain myself to need to defend against it.

This is not something I’ve shared before – it’s not something I talk about, because I don’t think people will understand it. How do you explain that you get flooded with a flash of explicit, graphic imagery every time you read or hear about the darkness in the world? How can anyone take you seriously if you tell them that you have to joke about it to push off your own impending anxiety attack and emotional collapse?

I don’t know the answer to that, but that’s okay. I can only hope that maybe this will shed a small amount of light on the reason that in a time of tragedy, I’m that guy. That guy who won’t use platitudes. He’s the one who will try to make you laugh. And if it helps you too, great, but in the end, it’s because it helps him.

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“So, I’m going to be an announcer for the Quidditch World Cup this weekend. If you don’t know, Quidditch is the sport that is played in the Harry Potter books and movies. A few years ago, it was developed into a real sport where the participants can’t fly but must keep a broom between their legs at all times as they attempt to score goals against the other team. Before I announce any games, I’ve been trying to learn the terminology so that I can sound somewhat educated about it.

For example, the ball is not called a ball. It’s called a quaffle.
And, there are no goalies. They’re called Keepers.
It’s not a field. It’s called a pitch.
Oh, and they’re not even called players. They’re called ‘virgins’.”

As I got laughs from audiences with that bit, I clearly had no idea what to actually expect when I showed up on the fields last Saturday at 6 AM. Was this going to be like witnessing a less nerdy version of a Renaissance Faire? Would it be more like Frisbee Golf, inundated with entitled slackers? Or would it be closer to live action role play, with attendees dressed as wizards and witches and dragons?

What I witnessed was none of those things. I saw a fast-paced, full contact, co-ed sport that was brutal, complex, and when played by an experienced team, elegantly executed. The element that I thought would be the silliest, the requirement that each player run with a broom tucked between his or her legs, barely registered with me as I watched each match. Twelve players colliding on a field smaller than a hockey rink, three balls used to knock players out, one ball used to score, six referees judging and making calls, a neutral player (attached to a ball that ends the game) being chased independently by two additional players, and a game time of 15-25 minutes means that you don’t have time to care about the fact that this sport sprouted from a children’s book about a wizard. There’s not enough downtime to think about the brooms or the fervent Harry Potter fandom that must have generated the initial interest to develop this as a real sport in 2005.

With men and women colliding, grappling for balls, tackling and blocking, and forcibly moving down the pitch, wearing little to no head protection, mouthguards, eyewear, or protective body gear, it’s not surprising that there are injuries. From scrapes and cuts to broken collarbones and dislocated shoulders, the results of these matches erase any doubt in any spectator’s mind of Quidditch being a “real sport”. It is real, it is brutal, and it is fascinating.

Any doubts I had about the legitimacy of Quidditch (or Muggle Quidditch as it’s sometimes called) were rapidly erased as I announced or spectated match after match. I saw fantastic blocks, amazing passes, sharp strategy, and great sportsmanship. (Well, with the exception of the mother of one of the Loyola University Chicago Lumos players who complained that I was disrespectful to the team, but you always have one of those people.) Almost every athlete was enthusiastic and passionate, whether they were from France, Mexico, Canada, or even Orlando itself. The coordinators and leaders were hard-working and dedicated, and the entire event was run like a machine that isn’t quite well-oiled but almost there.

Yeah, there are still a few rough edges. The International Quidditch Association is comprised largely, if not completely, of volunteers, which means that you don’t see some of the structure that should exist. As the sport continues to grow, which it will, I think there will be dedicated referees and snitches (neutral players who must avoid both teams equally), not volunteers who play for other teams, which will tighten the standards needed to be truly fair. I’m sure that professional announcers will replace the players who volunteer, which will add a level of gravity and professionalism that may otherwise be lacking in the commentating. And the players should all get free food and drink, because without the teams, there’s no sport.

The tangible realization of what had to be someone’s mushroom-fueled imagination has transmogrified into a legitimate sport that takes finesse, skill, and strategy. The current players, a seamless blend of natural athletes and those who may never have before considered playing a sport, all share in their passion of the game. Everyone, no matter how pudgy, diminutive, or uncoordinated, can have a place in the world of Quidditch, and that’s one of its tremendous appeals. In the future, though, I predict that corporate sponsors and expansion of the sport will result in trained athletes taking over, relegating the enthusiastic players to the background.

Had there been a Quidditch team comprised entirely of football, basketball, lacrosse, and baseball players at this World Cup, I think it would have been unstoppable, but hopefully the IQA and other organizations can hold onto the fun while still allowing the sport to expand to accommodate the demand from fans and participants alike.

And, who knows? Maybe one day, those brooms will actually fly.

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Her book, Celebrity sTalker: Stories From a Woman Who Thinks Celebrities Are Dying to Talk to Her. Only They Aren’t, is a sordid look at the world of celebrities from someone who is right on the edge of the public vortex. This blurb from the back of the book, written by a very wise and funny man who goes by the name of Adam Heath Avitable, says it all:

“Darkly funny, unabashedly honest, and voyeuristic with every word, Celebrity sTalker will be relished by anyone on the other side of the red carpet.”

As I’ve done in the past with author friends like Ree Drummond and Jenny the Bloggess, I decided to interview Suzy about her book.

Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?

Suzy: I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.

He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.

“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”

Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.

How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?

Suzy: There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.

Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?

Suzy: George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.

Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.

Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?

Suzy: About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.

She’s probably still doing it.

I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?

Suzy: I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.

Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?

Suzy: There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.

What does your sister think of the book?

Suzy: She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.

If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?

Suzy: If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara

Other than your book, what’s your favorite book written in the last year?

Suzy: Yours.

And with that fantastic final answer – I mean, does she know how to interview or what? – go right now to your closest bookstore, which is probably your computer because who goes to a bookstore anymore, and buy Suzy’s book and follow her on Twitter and hide out near her house and write her fan mail and like her Facebook page and send her photos of your genitalia!

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Could you say no to this face?

As I lifted the bureau into the back of the U-Haul, I felt my bicep stretch and move in a way that it shouldn’t. There wasn’t any pain, but my whole arm felt weird, and when I straightened my arm, my muscle undulated under my skin like an alien.

After consulting with my medical team, which consists of my mother and a friend who is a sports medicine doctor, I came to the completely uneducated conclusion that I had torn my right bicep tendon at my elbow, an injury that is relatively rare, as less than 5% of bicep tears occur at the elbow versus the shoulder. Once the bruises appeared a day or two later, I knew that I was right in my self-diagnosis.

I went in for an appointment at the Jewett Orthopaedic Clinic and met with Kurt Gasner, MD, a specialist in Orthopedic Surgery and Surgery of the Hand and Upper Extremities. Dr. Gasner was fantastic, rejecting my insistence that he was actually Academy Award winning actor Richard Dreyfuss, yet still taking the time to explain how the bicep tendon attaches at the elbow and why surgery to repair it is extremely important. While I’d still retain strength, thanks to the redundancy built into our bodies, the ability to turn my wrist and lift weight in a flexing motion would be reduced significantly. Since I assumed this meant that my ability to masturbate would be severely affected, we scheduled surgery to repair my right distal bicep tendon immediately for the following Friday.

After determining that normal anesthesia wouldn’t work, the anesthesiologist brought in a gorilla tranquilizer, which seemed to do the trick. I also had what’s called regional anesthesia, which is a block that was inserted to prevent the pain receptors in my brain from feeling pain as the surgeons worked on my arm. With the block inserted and the sedative about to kick in, I was ready to go.

WARNING: All images after the following photo are of a graphic nature, with close-up images of the surgical process involved in repairing a distal bicep tendon. If you faint at the sight of blood, if you are pregnant, if you are subject to projectile vomiting, or if you are under the age of 13, you may want to click away now. Otherwise, continue at your own risk.

Dr. Gasner wrote his initials on my arm to confirm that he was operating on the right body part. He also sketched out the incision and completely ignored my request to make it into a happy face.

Once the incision was made, Dr. Gasner had to reach inside my arm and find the distal bicep tendon where it had curled up inside my arm after snapping. With his finger, he cleared away scar tissue and used the clamps to slowly unroll and extend the tendon to its proper length.

Once the tendon had been fully extended, Dr. Gasner threaded it with a fiber that looped in and out of the tendon until it held it securely. I wasn’t aware until after the procedure how much this was similar to sewing. I’m pretty confident that Dr. Gasner crochets a bad-ass quilt, too.

After the distal bicep tendon had been threaded, a drill was brought in to drill through the bone. Also, my arm now looks like the pit of Sarlacc from Star Wars. Where’s Boba Fett when you need him?

Once the holes had been drilled, two small corkscrew anchors were threaded with the same  fiber. They were carefully inserted into the holes in the bone, and then turned so that they locked in place, much like a button would do, if it was made of metal and tiny and used to hold your tendons in place so you don’t flop around like a sad broken old man.

Once Dr. Gasner inserted the anchors, he pulled the fiber tight until my distal bicep tendon was back where it belonged, and tied off the suture in what I imagine to be a very pretty bow.

A few stitches later and Dr. Gasner gave it the thumbs-up before leaving to go do what doctors do after they’re done with another successful surgery, which is probably to laugh mightily and proclaim to the heavens, “I AM GOD”.

The entire procedure to repair my right distal bicep tendon only took about an hour and fifteen minutes. When I came to, I felt immediately alert and normal, except for the giant splint around my arm and the fact that my entire arm was completely numb.

The recovery time has been very quick. My fingers and arm regained feeling after about 24 hours, and I spent a week in the splint. My pain levels were very low – in fact, I only took three Percocet total, and the only day that I got whiny was on the Sunday immediately following the procedure.

It’s a good thing I’m alone today because my reluctance to take Percocet for pain is matched only by my whininess. #surgery #recovery #ouch

— Adam Heath Avitable (@avitable) March 4, 2013

One week after the procedure, I got the splint removed and was able to start moving my arm and twisting my wrist until I’m back to normal, a recovery process which could take as long as three months. I expect to be able to begin masturbating again immediately, though.

I’m writing this post to act as a reference for anyone who may have had this happen or for anyone who may be considering having surgery to repair his or her distal bicep tendon. For anyone in Central Florida, I would wholeheartedly recommend Dr. Kurt Gasner and the entire staff at Jewett Orthopaedic Clinic, as they were efficient, friendly, informative, and provided an easy surgical experience for me.

Also, if anybody else needs help moving . . . call somebody else!

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