Atthacariya

Maybe this time

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:21:00 +0000

I have never been good at this blogging thing. I think it is just something that has to fit your personality, and although I certainly spend a lot of time on the computer, I am also a forgetful person that never remembers to do things like blog, or where the heck I put my keys, wallet, mind. So, a lot has changed in the many months since I last posted. My 2.5 year relationship ended sometime in December/January. What a great way to start the year (not!). And in my downward spiral of self-blame and pity, I decided it was time for a break. A major break. School, and all the pressures that come with it, have effectively created so much stress and chaos in my life, that I couldn't maintain even a relationship with someone that I cared about and loved. So, with my mother on the other side of the country and dying of cancer, I have decided to embark on a journey. A soul searching type of trip. I am packing up the car with the "kids" (read dogs) and heading out across country to visit a few friends and family along the way, search for some adventure and some meaning, and just see if I can figure some things out. I am just in a place right now where not much is making sense and I need to reconnect with "me", or be a little more mindful and a lot more present in the here and now. So, hopefully I can do a daily log of my trip and someone may stumble upon it and either be inspired or laugh or whatever may happen. This is day one: Clean the house, prep the car, pack, make arrangements with the roommate and then... TO THE WINDS.

Autumn Colors

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 18:40:00 +0000

Looks like we are lucky if I blog once a year! Well, I guess that is one thing I can be consistent with.

The challenges of being a busy student, a veteran with PTSD, an avid procrastinator and an amateur philosopher seem to devour all my time. Perhaps this blog should just be about those struggles, and trying to find my way in Zen and yoga along the way.

Lately I have had serious contemplations about giving up. Not so much as giving up on life, but giving up on school and having aspirations. I am feeling defeated. I know it isnt easy to do what I am attempting to do (attain a PhD in Astrophysics), but sometimes it is just so hard that I literally want to just throw in the towel. Reflecting on being 31 years old and feeling like I have not accomplished much has been quite draining. I certainly need a vacation from this bullshit, 3-ring, circus sideshow.

So the meditation and yoga was set aside. And during that time I noticed things began to deteriorate. I can say without a doubt in my mind that meditation and yoga work for veterans with PTSD and other related issues.

So, time to get back to it. Thanks to Jorge for helping me realize how important it is...

Direct Encounter

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 20:55:00 +0000

I have never been a consistent blogger. But, with all that has happened, I will attempt again to blog here, if for no other reason, than to journal my life as an outlet.

I have blogged before about the loss of a close friend of mine. Steve Clark was murdered in February of 2008 outside of a music venue in Los Angeles. For months his murderer was on the run in Mexico, but eventually the law caught up with him and brought him in.

Monday, the murder trial begins, and I will be sitting in a courthouse seeing the face of the man who stabbed Steve all that time ago.

The memory of Steve is still so vivid. His larger than life persona a complex collection of experiences and ideas. Steve had gone through many things in his life, including drug addiction and alcoholism, but he had made a serious decision to stay sober and to be a father to his young daughter. He shared his dreams with me, about starting a business, a music venue, and living a fulfilling life. Steve was willing to put it all out there for his friends, and he worked hard at his job to right the injustices that our military veterans faced upon their discharge from service.

I am not sure what will happen, but I know that justice will be served, in whatever way that comes.

The consistency of change

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 28 May 2009 16:59:00 +0000

I recently attended a 2 week sesshin with my teacher, Claude AnShin Thomas. I was fortunate that he was coming down to Chile to lead this annual retreat, which was only about an hour from my house. During the retreat AnShin mentioned the possibility of moving to Chile on a permanent basis, feeling a strong desire from Chileans to seek the practice. Upon the mention of this idea, I later spoke with him about the possibility that I could seek out the right people to make it all happen from the Chilean end. I had already met a North American builder (from the U.S.) who had a desire to build a monastery. I had also met 2 people whom were educated in permaculture, one with an engineering degree and both with an interest in helping out. I would later meet a man who had been entrusted with a large piece of land and was given the intent to turn it into some kind of place for healing. He also happened to be a lawyer. So everything up to this point seems to just be falling into place. I am enjoying the social networking and the wonderful friends that are coming on board for this project, and I truly hope that we can see this through to the end. It will be a place of healing and transformation where people can find peace and quiet on the outside and develop the same inside.

Socially Engaged...

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:22:00 +0000

In the United States we have lived in a constant state of war since Korea. The majority of the populous here is unaware of this, due to the fact that these operations take place on foreign soil, but U.S. military operations have never ceased somewhere on this planet in over 55 years. The very fabric of war has been woven into our economy within the blanket of the military industrial complex. War may be good for "progress", if we measure progress by monetary profit, but it is certainly not good for health, building social networks, creating a safe world or any number of other reasons. Violence, by its very nature, is an ugly beast who has long past its usefulness (if ever it were) and should be put out to pasture.

Socially engaged Buddhism, an aspect that has come into play in my lineage from Roshi Bernie Glasman, is a different direction from monastic Buddhism. It is about being involved in a community and make direct efforts to alleviate suffering in the world by working to:

* inspire and empower a new generation of practitioners committed to socially engaged Buddhism and to socially engaged spirituality
* design creative models for this practice
* develop and manage holistic social service projects in disadvantaged areas

I wont get into the vast array of differences between a cloistered monastic life and that of a socially engaged Buddhist. What works for some may not for others.

On Saturday I will be attending a 3-Day training course in "Creative Non-Violence" at the Peace Center in Los Angeles. This event is being hosted by the Veterans for Peace and led by Janet Chisolm from the Kirkridge Retreat Center in Pennsylvania. From their website they describe the course as:

"The innovative design of this national training program provides a holistic and practical foundation in spiritually-grounded active nonviolence. Participants come to recognize their own power for making personal and social changes without violence and improve their skills for respectful engagement with opponents, instead of confrontation that polarizes and demonizes. Unlike trainings that focus only on anti-war protest, Creating a Culture of Peace training is an incubator for participants to raise issues which most concern them --- group controversy and conflict, neighborhood violence, domestic violence, climate change, war and militarism, discrimination, video games, homelessness, peace education, and lack of health care.

The training is highly participatory and does not depend on reading a book or lectures. It draws upon the wisdom, experience and talents of all the participants and on the skills and knowledge of trainers. Mutual learning occurs through storytelling, meditation, small group sharing, brainstorming, role plays, thought-provoking exercises, music and movement. CCP offers training on nonviolence principles, analysis of social change and community-building, skills for peacemaking and resources. Every group chooses and plans concrete projects for change.

CCP emphasizes two forms of active nonviolence: Constructive Nonviolence includes the ways of creating a just and peaceful culture by developing new relationships, new practices, and new institutions. Nonviolent Resistance includes tactics such as boycotts, petitions, and rallies; it is designed to protest, and even to interfere with, injustice and oppression. Both forms are enhanced by increased democratic participation.

I am looking forward to this training, but always a bit apprehensive of how people envision "peaceful" work. I have learned from my teacher the fact that what we call "peace" (or enter any noun) is not always "peace", it is only what we call peace. Some of these "tactics" as they are described, could just as easily be another form of violence. Believing that others must conform to our ideologies, even if presented without physical threats of violence, is still violence. Violence is not just a physical manifestation of force.

As I dive deeper into practice, I will see how I can effectively incorporate these teachings into the "Socially Engaged Buddhism" and way of life that I am creating. I will journal the information presented and how I may be able to incorporate aspects of it into my practice. I would be interested in feedback.

In Gassho,
St.John

On death and dying

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:05:00 +0000

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my best friend, Steven A. Clark. One year ago he was murdered outside of a musical venue in North Hollywood, CA. I have written about him before. Steve was an extremely gregarious individual. Larger than life, both physically and charismatically. He was a person that you could depend on to be there for you, thick and thin, and he was brutally honest.

In the year since his death, I have often thought about him. What he would have aspired to. What new things he would be doing. Steve was a champion of the homeless and down trodden. He worked for the National Veterans Foundation, where he headed the "Street Team", an outreach group that traveled into the heart of 'Skid Row' in downtown Los Angeles and reached out to those in need. He empathized with those living on the streets because he too had come from the streets. Hustling for money, abusing drugs and alcohol. Steve was as direct as they come, and he knew the most effective way to help. Do the work yourself.

Steve was young, only 27 when he died. So much potential. So much left to do. His daughter is a spitting image of her father.

I have had friends die in the past. I am a veteran of 2 tours in Iraq. However Steve's death affected me more than any before him. Since that time I have spent countless amounts of time in meditation and reflection about death and dying. The impermanence of life. How each moment that we have is precious and must not be squandered. In my liniage we have a mantra that says:

Let me respectfully remind you
Life and death are of supreme importance.
Time passes swiftly by and opportunity is lost.
Each of us must strive to awaken;
Awaken!!
Take heed; do not squander your life.

In this hour, in this moment, we must observe and pay attention. Nothing is promised. Tomorrow may never come. All we truly "have" is right now.

I owe a lot to Steve. He was one of my teachers. He taught me much while he was still alive, and much more in his death. Today, I give thanks that I was given the opportunity to meet him and be his friend. For that, I am truly grateful.

In Gassho,
St.John

Return of the Jedi

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 05:08:00 +0000

While I am no Jedi Master, I am returning. February 1st will mark the end of my 12 week retreat in South America. As I stated in an earlier post, I came down here in order to take a break from the hectic world that surrounded me in Los Angeles, California. I wanted to dive deeper into my Zen practice and take some time to reflect on what conditioning I had been exposed to and how I can learn to live in a different relationship with that conditioning. Once I stripped away all the distractions of daily life, I was surprised to finally start to get to know my "self". Of course I am also open to the idea that there is no self.

The short of the story is that I joined the United States Marine Corps when I was in my 20's. This was a year before the tragic events of September 11th. I was trained as a Tank Mechanic and stationed in 29 Palms, Ca. In 2002 I deployed to the Middle East in order to invade the sovereign country of Iraq. I participated in the destruction of that country and the death of many of its citizens. At the time I was completely detached from the realities of Karma and the conditioning that had led me to that place. An indoctrination that had begun from childhood. It was not until I came back from a second deployment to Iraq that I really, truly questioned what I was doing in the Marine Corps and what our country was doing to our fellow human beings. This is when I found Buddhism. I was not guilted into this practice, but rather I was searching for something that made sense after so much senselessness.
I was given the book: "At Hell's Gates; A soldier's journey from War to Peace," a book by Claude AnShin Thomas, and I read it in a day. AnShin is a Vietnam Vet that later became a Zen Monk while on his own path of healing. I attended a retreat with AnShin later that year and after doing so, began studying with him and also seeking treatment for my PTSD.

The conditioning that I had experienced in the military, which led me down the path of dehumanization not only of others but of myself as well, has been one of the most difficult things to work with. It brought me anger, rage, frustration, revenge, and a plethora of other "negative" emotions. The fact that I had not identified them or recognized them earlier in my post military life made for some harsh times. It was not until I began to understand, accept and come to grips with these things that I could learn to live in a different relationship with my experiences and transform my life into something meaningful in pursuit of peace.

Now I go back to Los Angeles in order to figure out the next step in life. I will be taking care of some business, attending some appointments with doctors concerning my Traumatic Stress and then returning to South America for a sesshin with my teacher, Claude AnShin Thomas. I look forward to walking in mindfulness and paying attention to the moments between breath and step.

Much Care and Respect,
In Gassho,
St.John

Back to the Basics

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 19:48:00 +0000

In the United States (and other developed nations) we inhabit a dwelling of abundant wealth. Just drive through the winding hills of Los Angeles or stroll through the tree lined roads of Scarsdale, New York. Even with the economy in a depression, there are still many with much more than they need to adequately survive. Yet there are many more without the basics: Food, Shelter and Clothing. Food being the most important. We see abundant amounts of food produced here, enough to feed millions, and yet we throw away nearly 100 Billion pounds of food each year in the US. It is truly frustrating. According to the US Census Bureau, 35.9 million people live below the poverty line in America, including 12.9 million children. This number will inevitably climb given the current economic conditions in the US. So how will we meet this crisis? How will we provide and take care of our fellow human beings? In 2004, requests for emergency food assistance increased by an average of 14 percent during the year, according to a study by the United States Conference of Mayors. Also in this study, it was noted that on average, 20 percent of requests for emergency food assistance went unmet in 2004. Five years later, with more and more people in need, these demands will be even more difficult to meet. According to the US Department of Agriculture, up to one-fifth of America's food goes to waste each year, with an estimated 130 pounds of food per person ending up in landfills. The annual value of this lost food is estimated at around $31 billion But the real story is that roughly 49 million people could have been fed by those lost resources. And these are just the facts about the United States. This story is repeated again and again around the world.

I recently read the article: "Solving the Global Food Crisis: The Case for a "Poverty Czar" by Bruce Friedrich. In it, he discusses the problems of global poverty, the current concern, and the lack of support from the United States, the most wealthy and powerful nation on the planet.
It was disappointing to read that the United States comes in last place among the 22 countries tracked by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development.
In fact, the U.S. government spends well under one-quarter of 1 percent of it's gross national income on aid. Friedrich writes: "Most Americans believe that we should spend about 10 times more on aid than we do, and 60 percent of Americans want to triple aid immediately, from about $25 billion to $75 billion."

So how do we relate hunger to the Buddhist practice?

Well, we know that the main cause of hunger or starvation is poverty. If you do not have the means to obtain food, you can not eat. The Dalai Lama once said,

“There can be no peace as long as there is grinding poverty, social injustice, inequality, oppression, environmental degradation, and as long as the weak and small continue to be trodden by the mighty and powerful.”

It has also been said that you must satisfy a man's bodily hunger before you can begin to feed his spiritual hunger.

There are several causes that have led to global poverty being where it is now. Quoting from Friedrich's article: "Last year's Nobel laureate in economics, Paul Krugman, lays out the problem: "Over the past few years the prices of wheat, corn, rice and other basic foodstuffs have doubled or tripled .... High food prices dismay even relatively well-off Americans-but they're truly devastating in poor countries, where food often accounts for more than half a family's spending." And the causes for the price spike? Some of the most important causes Krugman identifies are also the most obvious (and correctable): "the march of the meat-eating Chinese-that is, the growing number of people in emerging economies who are, for the first time, rich enough to start eating like Westerners" and biofuels, because "land used to grow biofuel feedstock is land not available to grow food, so subsidies to biofuels are a major factor in the food crisis."

This reminds me of the Buddhist precept of "non-killing". The global impact of the meat industry has been addressed in several arenas . The impact that it has is a ubiquitous example of the law of karma. Zen Master Seung Sahn addressed this issue when he said,

"...there is much killing of animals for food. There is not so much eating of rice and vegetables, as there is in the Orient. It takes more land to raise animals for meat than it does for raising grains and vegetables. Why are many people starving? This is the result not just of this life, but of causes begun many lifetimes ago. Buddha said, if you want to understand what happened before this life, look at what you are getting now. Being very hungry means that in a previous life, one gave much suffering to other people and animals, and also took food. Today's suffering is the result of those actions."

The meat industry is, by its very nature, an enterprise of murder. And by examining it on an environmental level, we see that it takes far more resources to produce meat than to produce crops. You could feed more people with the grains harvested in farming that you could with the amount of meat raised with that same amount of grain (and I am aware of the quality difference in the grains grown). A study by Cornell University in 1997 showed that you could feed 800 million people with the grain used to feed livestock.

This situation ties into Global Warming as well. These inefficient practices have hugely negative impacts on our environment. Just read the 2006 report by the Livestock, Environment And Development Initiative. The meat industry causes deforestation, habitat destruction, massive water consumption and pollution, energy consumption, disease and climate change. A 2006 study at the University of Chicago concluded that a person switching from a typical American diet to a vegan diet with the same number of calories would prevent the emission of 1485 kg of carbon dioxide. The difference exceeds that of an individual switching from a Toyota Camry to the hybrid Toyota Prius, and collectively amounts to over 6% of the total U.S. greenhouse gas emissions.

So what does this mean in regards to how we solve the hunger crisis? Well, we can start by using responsible practices ourselves. We must change ourselves to effectively change the world. We can donate to food banks, provide meals for the homeless, assist in relief efforts and the like, but I think it may be more important to first realize exactly how we, ourselves, participate and have a relationship with food.

The meal Gatha that I recite before each meal goes like this:

This food is the gift of the whole universe;
the earth, the sky and much hard work.
May we live in a way that makes us worthy to receive it,
May we transform our unskillful states of mind, especially our greed.
May we take only foods which nourish us and prevent illness.
We accept this food so that we may realize the path of practice,
of Love, Compassion and Peace.

In reciting this, I am taking a moment to recognize where the food is coming from, what it has taken to create it, and respecting and being grateful for the fact that I am able to eat it.

In the United States, there is a narrowly inward focus of American Buddhism, which has been pursued to the neglect of the active dimension of Buddhist compassion expressed through programs of social engagement. There are teachers whom have sought to change this in the West, among them Bhikkhu Bodhi and Bernie Glasman. But you don't have to be a Buddhist to practice being socially responsible and socially engaged. Anyone can do this. All mainstream religions teach about helping the poor and less fortunate. It is inherently a part of being a responsible citizen of the world.

Meditate or Mediate?

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 04:06:00 +0000

A recent conversation that took place in regards to the conflict in Gaza.

Michael: Israel must end.

Ines: Amen to that my friend!

ME(St.John): Israel must end? Amen to that?
Thats the ridiculous mentality that got us to where we are today.
I think you need to rethink that with a little more clarity.

Wasim: No way of arguing.. its the burden of killing mass population these bastards will face at some point...

Ines: St.John,what the hell are you talking about??
you think that believing in such a thing is rediculous???i try my best to spread whatever the hell israel is doing in not only gaza but palestine in general and there is no shame in praying for its distruction or saying amen !!!
so pls whatch your tong and where it might lead you you no nothing about my mentality so stop judjing others and try to fixe the situation with wathever you got even if it is a few pictures and a prayer ok??

ME:Ines - I never claimed to "know you" or "your mentality", I simply read what you wrote and responded. Perhaps you are the one whom should "watch your toungue" if you are not sure how to properly convey your thoughts. I disagree with what you wrote and yes I think it is ridiculous to wish the destruction of a nation. Are you a war veteran or refugee? Do you have any Palenstinians or Israelis in your family? If so, you should know better. Praying or hoping for the destruction of anyone or anything is senseless and serves no purpose. The Israeli government has violated just about every UN resolution and killed thousands of innocent people, yes, but the "destruction" of Israel makes no more sense than the destruction of Palestine. Its just reverse discrimination. Why should all Israeli's be held accountable for a corrupt government? I do believe in a one state solution and perhaps I misunderstood the language you used, but to me "destruction" means more violence, and that will solve nothing. Real peace is the only solution. People must learn to get along. There simply is no other way.

Wasim: St.John... well not must, u ARE zionist by ur words. A person comes and murders your mother in front of you, steal all your property and you cannot want proper justice, thats how preposterous you sound. Its a terrorist state we are talking about. You would only speak otherwise as long as you are retarded and israeli and a murderer...

Amen to the destruction of Israel.

Ines: i wont watch my toungue cos i'm not saying anything wrong.
as for my wish of the destruction of israel i'm talking about the false governmant that need to desapear i was never against jews them selves but against zionists,i do believe in living in harmoney between all humanbeings chritiens,jews,muslims...and as for having a family member who is jew or palistinian well i have friends considered as family from both sides and all of them praying for the en of the israelian presence and occupation in palestine...
i'm gonna keep on doing whatever i can cos even if i'm not palestinian they are humanbeings like me so mr cameron sorry but the peace you're asking for will never be accomplished if israel does not stop existing(again talking about the occupation and government)

ME: Wasim - A zionist? lol! That shows how little you know. I come from a family of Palestinians, not Israelis. And if someone murdered my friends or family, etc...I may want revenge, but I also know it will get me/them nowhere. Again, that is the mentality that has nurtured the generational hatred which continues the senseless violence of both the Israelis and Palestinians. I am against Zionist politics and propaganda, but that can not be solved with more violence.
@Ines - Thank you for clarifying. Yes, the occupation must end.

Wasim: St.John - This is the problem with Israel. A two state solution has not worked and will not work. I might know less, I am from Bangladesh, which fought against Pakistan in 1971 and freed itself. Since both the countries are independent, respectable and not criminals like Israel, they did not prolong the violence even after a solution was presented. However Israel's intentions do not even remotely show the evidence in the minutest to actually agree on a violence-less solution and live for peace. Israel is always planning terrorist actions against unarmed people.
However I dont seem to understand your views regarding 'I may want revenge" and "..it will get me/them nowhere" If neutralizing criminals took the justice or situation nowhere, then there would not have been anything called ''Law'' or ''Rights''. Again by your words ur not sure whether you want to avenge your loved ones' murderers. Dont you think the terrorists/Israel would be encouraged to burn more innocent lives to death..if they are not knocked out of the picture? It is not like Israel has not got the time and chance to stay safely with its neighbors. It is a proven fact that Israel is Pure Evil.Look at the figures.. US is funding terrorism for years now, which means a particular president has nothing to do with it... US has most of its presidents as ''just'' ornamental symbols. They definitely do not represent the authority of the government and so on. Even my third-world poor country has better political influences of those who get elected, and the political figures do not just sprout out a year before the elections, rather they are known because of their activities and reputations through years. Its the citizens of the US who have to understand that however proud they are being of their country has little substance and the way the entire system works has to change.

Douglas: The US grew out of a genocide much like the one Israel is attempting to grow out of. If we all agree that we are against Zionism as a policy/politic/movement, then we all agree that Israel as a State should not exist. If Jews want to live in a land that they claim they have historical ties to that is fine but they have to accept the fact that they cannot be in political and economic control of a land that has belonged to someone else for thousands of years (the Palestinians). You cannot simply plant yourself in someone else's country and call it your own, period. So really, if you are against Zionism, you are FOR the destruction of the Israeli State because the only thing Zionism does is call for the ESTABLISHMENT of an Israeli state, the protection of it, and as we all have realized by now, the expansion of it. So the answer is YES, Israel MUST END, not just the occupation, but the existence of Israel as well. Not the existence of Jews, just the existence of Israelis.And when I say that the existence of Israelis must end, I do not mean the death of all of them either. What I mean is that if you end the existence of Israel, there will no longer be civilians called "Israelis" because they will become Palestinians. Hopefully it won't take very much violence to get to this point, but if it does take violence to reach a point where all of the land in that area is once again restored to Palestine (even prior to the UN Partition in '48) than the Palestinians have every right to win the war and expel the Israelis. By any means necessary.

Jane: Very eloquently put, Douglas

ME: Violence is never eloquent.

Douglas: You obviously didn't understand what I said. "hopefully it won't take very much violence to get to this point, but" . . . I have no bloodlust, but often times history has proven that violence can be necessary. The Palestinians may not want to attack or hurt Israelis to achieve the goal of getting their land back, but the Israelis will not give it up because the people in power in Israel are already violent. Do you think you can reason with people who are genocidal and violent, St.John? As a matter of fact, since you think peace is such a viable option and you probably are so liberal you think that violence is "never necessary" then why don't you be our spokesperson. You are against Zionism. Go reason with them, tell them why they shouldn't try to expand and profit off of land speculation and development of other peoples land. Tell them to stop and to cease existing in their priveleged position as members of the State of Israel. I'm sure they will probably laugh at you.
Every human being has an inalienable right to self defense. No human being has the right to aggression. The zionist State of Israel is aggressive and that is why it is perfectly OK for supporters of that aggression to be killed in defense.A fight that is fought for the right reason is honorable. A fight that is honorable has the potential to be spoken of eloquently. That is why Palestine is the shining light of hope for every oppressed and colonized nation in the world. There is something eloquent about a boy who refuses to let them beat him despite the fact that his mother and father were killed before he was even a teenager. There is something eloquent in his defiance that is emblematic in his throwing a rock at a tank. His determination and his desperation is an eloquent argument against imperialism and colonialism everywhere and if his fight inspires eloquence in others it is valid no matter how many people that boy goes on to kill when he gets his hands on something more effective than a rock.

ME: I never said violence is never necessary. Do you think that Gandhi would have accomplished anything by fighting? Has the fighting in Palestine accomplished any peace in the past? No. Violence begets violence. As the Buddha said: "Victory creates hatred. Defeat creates suffering. The wise ones desire neither victory nor defeat... Anger creates anger... He who kills will be killed. He who wins will be defeated... Revenge can only be overcome by abandoning revenge... The wise seek neither victory nor defeat."

Working Meditaiton

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 13:47:00 +0000

When I was first introduced to the practice of working meditation, it felt foreign to me. My four years in the United States Marine Corps had taught me to use work as a time to plan things out, day dream about women, question what I was doing or any number of things other than to focus precisely on the moment and what I was doing.

Now, I find pleasure in things like yard work, washing dishes, working on a car or taking care of whatever task needs to be accomplished.

Working meditation allows me to be grateful that I am physically able to take on these tasks, and to connect myself to the fact that such things must be done in order for sentient beings to prosper.

Another form of working meditation of course, is working with people, particularly those with differing viewpoints. I am finding myself more involved with the Israel-Palenstine conflict, and commentating on various sites about solutions to the chaos and violence. I have certainly come across people whose viewpoints differ from mine, and tried to reason with them and perhaps shed light unto their thought process. This can be hard when my initial reaction is to tell someone that they do not know what they are talking about, or that their viewpoint is irrational or even "stupid". I will try and post some of these here for review.

Be well.

...peace is the way.

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:33:00 +0000

The recent tensions and war in between Israel and Palestine have caused tensions even in my home. This is of course unusual because no one in my family is either Israeli, Jewish, Palestinian or Muslim. Yet my step father and myself hold completely differing views on the situation.

My belief is that peace, compassion and understanding, not war, is the only solution to the crisis. That weapons must be put down, anger, aggression, revenge, and all related actions must be cast aside and peaceful co-existing must be nurtured. Too much effort is put into division, and therefore generational learned hatred is fostered in the minds of the young, whom wait for their chance to take up arms against their perceived enemies.

My step-father, a Chilean by birth , whom served under Pinochet in the Chilean military, believes that Israel must "bomb the Arabs to extinction". This is obviously an ignorant and naive statement. Violence only begets perpetual violence I tell him, to which he replies, "If you kill all them, there wont be any more violence". An interesting justification at best.

Having served in the military myself, and served under-fire in a combat zone, I know first hand that violence is not a means to an end. Violence is simply an ignorant reaction to a situation that needs to be handled tenderly and with open minds and open hearts. Encouraging understanding, compassion, and peace on a generational level, stamping out hatred, superiority, and self preservation -- that is the only way. As it is said, there is no way to peace, peace is the way.

The knowledge . . . Recycled.

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 17:53:00 +0000

A curious observation of the Buddhist practice will reveal a massive amount of texts, videos, podcasts, websites, blogs, etc... on the topic of Buddhism and how to practice. How many books have been written on the Buddha, Anger, Meditation, Love, Understanding, Peace? Several hundreds of course, yet these books continue to be published in great numbers and people continue to buy them.

I ask myself "How many times can you write the same thing over and over again?"

The foundations of this practice are actually very simple and few, yet there is a virtual cornacopia of books, videos, etc, on the subject matter. I realize that a certain text may speak more clearly to a person than a similar text written by someone else. I personally love books, and therefore love books on Buddhism and related topics. I am even slowly working on my own memoir, which I ask myself "who would want to read about me or my experience"? But who knows? Someone may click with another persons personal story and see something within themselves that they can change to create a better life. That is what happened to me.

Borders Books has closed some stores and I am sure that several more book stores are going to close given the current state of the economy. So take advantage of this and see if you can find something that speaks to you, or even better, a gift for someone else.

In the South Land

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 17:06:00 +0000

Welcome to Seclusion, South America. Population 3.

A few months ago I decided to take a break from the high pressure and fast paced life of Los Angeles, California and retreat to Chile, South America.

At this point in life I am working with “non-attachment” and trying to let go of the idea of searching for the “right things”. I seem to have been caught up in the fantasy that people are able to find their own happiness in the arms of another, or from external objects and material posessions. A common misconception. Indeed quite the opposite is true. True happiness, of course, comes from within. Accepting and loving oneself is the only way to truly begin to love others or escape materialism. If we are not able to accept who we are, we will never be able to truly accept another person.

As Swami Rudrananda said, “Don’t look for perfection in me, I want to acknowledge my own imperfection…” for it is through personal acceptance that we are able to find true love.

Love that is not just another 4-letter word.

A major part of my choice to come to South America was to go on my own spiritual pilgrimage/retreat. I felt I needed to seclude myself. Having been conditioned my western society to believe that I must constantly be entertained and occupied with distractions in order to be happy is a problem I am trying to overcome. This has been an extremely difficult conditioning to work with. It is challenging to face “boredom” and to work with[out] preoccupation. I now use my “free time” to meditate, reflect and look inward for answers and “somethingness” instead of looking to the outside world to fill my mind with senseless ideas about what will complete me or make me content.
Most people don’t realize how much they are entangled in the web of distractions in modern life. I feel that human condition has metamorphosed into consumerism. The bane of man’s existence. Western society is in a comatose state because of it, and it has contributed greatly to the demise of relationships of family and community. The very “sangha” that used to provide great support has virtually evaporated in the sunshine of the great materialistic beast. - Los Angeles is a shining example. - The old saying “it takes a village” is hardly true anymore. Communities are so separated and segregated that it’s hard to believe a “village” in the modern west would band together for anything productive unless they awaken from this coma.

But there is hope.
Beyond all of the wages of waste, the stars still shine brightly and the universe is still as wonderful and mysterious as it ever was, and there are beings who are on a simple quest to find answers by finding themselves.
This practice intrigues people to open their eyes to the possibilities that we can live in a different relationship with the world around us. A place where we escape our own unhappiness and insecurities by finding flaws in others, or trying to purchase our way to a better life. Humans are deciding that perhaps they can take matters into your their own hands and learn to live in a different relationship with their attachments, desires, ideas of right and wrong and success and failure. A few phrases come to mind:

“The happiness of others is indeed our own happiness.”
“We are not separate from one another.”
“I am the Buddha’s, and they are me.”

two left feet

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 05:41:00 +0000

can you end this transmission
before these cuts get deep
can you answer these questions
so i can get some sleep
the darkness hides my shadow
walking down this empty street
been tripping over my thoughts
like i've got two left feet

Lost in May

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 07:25:00 +0000

gimme just a minute of your time
so i know i wasnt wastin mine
youre so close yet so far away
and whats with, these silly games you play?

cause some get all the glory
and some just fall from grace
but the sound of one voice
still puts a smile on my face

and i cant revoke my promise
no i wont apologize for that
cause i still love you baby
and i want you back

i see your lips are movin
think their saying its the end
oh, but i just cant hear you
or at least ill pretend

cause you cant see me dying
and i know im not to blame
and i know this isnt cancer
but i swear it kills the same

and i cant revoke my promise
no i wont apologize for that
cause i still love you baby
and i want you back

tears fall on my pillow
in the emptiness that left
so take a moment and listen
as i close my eyes...(bereft)

gimme something

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:16:00 +0000

sun goes down like van gogh paints the night
as the sky become crystal clear
my thoughts turn to you as i stare at the stars
in this ocean thats fading from here
(to blue)
i should have known t'was too good to be true
cuz im always letting you down
just another hopeless romantic boy
that is stuck in this lonely ol' town

gimme something that i can hold onto
(just)gimme something thats real
i've been praying for a star to fall
and i dont want to have to call
so tell how it is that you feel
(just) tell me how it is that you feel

im really sorry if i let you down
that was not how this was supposed to be
and i fumble through the afterthought
cuz i dont know if i forgot
buts its kinda tough to be me
(said)its kinda tough to be me

i can hear your voice from behind the door
through the tears as you push me away
and its troubling to think about but i dont want to have these doubts
so tell me if you want me to stay
(just) tell me if you want me to stay

***

it's evening now and the suns going down
in this lonely tired ol' place
and ive turned my thoughts to you
cause thats all that i can do
an im longing just to look at your face

you know that i fell for you
im sorry now but thats the truth
its not like i had a choice
an im trying to figure out if its you that i cant live without
while im longing just to hear your voice

wells gone dry

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:15:00 +0000

Hey mister wont you gimme some water
To quench my thirst.
You see the wells gone dry some days ago
and i swear that this place is cursed.

The Soldier mans come into my land and caused my people to flee.
They burned down my city and bombed my home and killed my whole family.

Hey Soldier wont you gimme some water,
to quench my thirst.
He says "I got a job to do and it don't involve you so leave or i'll shoot you dead"

11:15 and it’s too late...

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:47:00 +0000

we were sitting there together...despite the stormy weather
they couldn't pull us apart...i knew your smile by heart.
n' i was so in love with you...n' you were so in love with me.
i could lose myself inside your eyes...thats the magic of your company.

and it's too bad
that this is just a photograph...
n' i wish that you could see
but these are just my memories

you know we really lost a good one...he could have outshined the sun
and the flood gates broke...and perhaps i misspoke
you see i didn't want to lose it...but you were so quick to judge
n' we didn't have to quit...it's just a matter of trust

i've picked up the peices...seems the hurtin' never ceases
wouldn't say that i can't live without....but it pains me to see your doubt.
so if we must part forever...you could have been kind
and said something sweet...before you left me behind

You could have given me
but one kind word
to think upon
while my heart was breaking...

(Thank you to James Garland and Thomas Otway for the inspiration.)

Zen and the Art of War Repair

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 19 May 2008 18:31:00 +0000

Iraq War veterans are using Buddhist practices to make peace with themselves and the horrors of the

By Joe Piasecki

The war is not over for Hollywood resident Eric Estenzo. After coming home from Iraq, the former Marine is one of thousands of new veterans who carry crippling psychological wounds related to their participation in ultra-violence. Worst of all, even those of us who would call men like Estenzo heroes aren't making their lives any easier.

"I'm having to deal with the reality that I saw a lot of bad things. I'm having a tough time dealing with the civilian casualties," says Estenzo, 31.

"I feel like Americans, although they seem to be informed by the news, it's not a reality to them. I feel like most of these people in America feel like it's watching a movie, and when the movie ends, you leave and you're back at your normal life," he adds. "I don't want to tell people I'm an Iraq veteran, because immediately I'm bombarded with questions, especially the question of having to kill somebody. It's very frustrating, and it makes me very angry inside."

Matthew Howard, a 25-year-old from Boston who recently served with a Marines tank battalion, also finds it difficult to relate to those back home. Like Stinzo, he is suffering from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly known as PTSD and affecting as many as one in six Iraq vets, according to a recent Defense Department study. In February, the Journal of the American Medical Association found an even more startling statistic - that 35 percent of Iraq veterans have already sought mental health services.

"You know, on TV, how you see the flashbacks and the nightmares? That is actually very real and it has happened. Mine is more like general sadness. My heart breaks every time I turn on the news. My eyes just water up," says Howard.

In an attempt to deal with the scars war has left on their lives, these veterans and more than a dozen others attended a retreat last weekend at the Zen Center of Los Angeles led by Claude Anshin Thomas, a Vietnam veteran who was awarded the Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross, yet found Zen Buddhist practices the only way to adjust to life after war.

After leaving Vietnam in 1967, Thomas suffered from debilitating PTSD symptoms that caused him to turn to alcohol and drugs, eventually even leaving his wife and son. In the late 1980s, he pursued Zen teachings after attending a retreat with famed monk Thich Nhat Hanh, and in 1995 he became a Zen monk.

As described in his book, At Hell's Gate: A Soldier's Journey from War to Peace, PTSD had wracked him with memories of exploding bombs and dead children, leaving him alienated from society and uncomfortable with himself. In fact, he says now, combat veterans are forever changed by the horrors of war, and only through confronting trauma, as he teaches through meditation and other disciplined spiritual practices, can they recover any sense of normalcy.

"There is no going back. It's like Alice in Wonderland, stepping through the looking-glass. We're forever affected. We have to learn to adjust to our life. In the process of waking up to how we've been affected, the consequences of that are absolutely phenomenal," he says.

"What I understand is healing is impossible without going through that suffering. What I'm attempting to do is create a safe space where that information will start to become accessible to them," he adds.

Jeff Key, a 40-year-old Marine living in Hollywood and now attending his second retreat with Thomas, says he was initially a skeptic, but found Zen techniques of calm, deliberate action very helpful in working through the pain.

"I had some reservations that it was going to be proselytizing for Buddhism, but it's not about that. It's about meditation and mindful living. Even our meals are done with a measure of reverence. We chew each bite and sit in silence. I eat so many meals standing over my kitchen sink, it's embarrassing to admit," says Key, who helped organize the Zen Center retreat as head of the Mehadi Foundation, which he created to help vets with PTSD and related issues. Those practices "helped me deal with feelings of anger and sadness about this war," he says.

For retreat participant and Vietnam veteran Bill Butler, a 61-year-old from Altadena who was drafted into the Army in 1969, the challenges faced by those returning from Iraq parallel his own experience. "Those things are always with me," he says of the memories of war. "I don't have dysfunctional flashbacks, but they come up at odd times."

Butler, a retired manager with the L.A. County Office of Emergency Management, says the most troubling experiences, which he found he shared with one recent vet, are encounters with the civilian population. Whether searching villages in the jungle or raiding homes in the desert, "We were going in with all of our power and intimidating and using force to disrupt the daily lives of people in their homes. He and I shared a certain sense of guilt over that kind of mission."

Dealing with feelings of guilt is a major part of healing, says Thomas. He also teaches that those back home whose lifestyles promote conflict are more responsible than soldiers for allowing war to happen.

"The more we have, the less somebody else has, which creates suffering, which feeds that cycle of war, violence - and just because I listen to National Public Radio and Democracy Now! doesn't mean I'm really doing anything to change the circumstances of war. If I want the world to be different, I have to live differently," Thomas says.

"That's where a lot of my anger, resentment, and bitterness came from. With coming back home, I felt so much anger towards these people. Whether it was justified or not. So I just chose to move," says Howard, who now lives in Canada because of American support for the war and the Bush administration.

For his part, Thomas sees himself not as a leader, but as a facilitator of methods that allow people to engage their own experience.

Another type of immersion- or exposure-style therapy, meanwhile, is being embraced by government officials for treatment of PTSD. The Office of Naval Resources has funded researchers at USC's Institute of Creative Technology to develop virtual-reality programs that can be used to help victims of PTSD confront the sights, sounds, and even smells of their traumatic experiences. Two such treatment facilities were installed last month at Camp Pendleton and the Naval Medical Hospital in San Diego, according to Skip Rizzo, a psychologist with the institute.

By slowly introducing a patient to a virtual reality situation - starting behind the wheel of a Humvee on a desert road, then adding in smoke, producing the odor of burning rubber, introducing the sound of bullets and helicopters above - "eventually they habituate, or the fear extinguishes. They're in that environment and nothing bad happens. The emotional response becomes less and less anxiety-provoking," says Rizzo.

Thomas likens that idea to his own healing practices. "When I talk about healing, I talk about learning to live in a different relationship with how we've been affected," says Thomas, who nonetheless expresses distrust for government programs and intentions. After all, it is government that runs the mechanisms of war. Ultimately, coming to grips with trauma is about self-empowerment, a handicap becoming an asset.

"One of Claude's big things is that your story needs to be told. I have a new sense of purpose to go home to my family and tell them exactly what I've seen," says Howard. "They need to hear exactly what happened, and I'm ready to do that after this weekend."

A great loss...

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 04:57:00 +0000

On February 9th, 2008, my friend Steve Clark was murdered in the parking lot of a club in North Hollywood, California. From that moment forward, my life has drastically changed. It is still difficult for me to accept the fact that he is gone. Not only did I lose a great friend, but I lost a part of my life. Steve had impacted my life in so many ways. He helped me to stay sober, he was the most dependable friend I have ever had, and he introduced me to people that I love very deeply. There are so many more things to say about Steve but I feel that nothing will really do justice to expressing the huge loss that his death brought. I will probably add to this post in the future, but I just wanted to pay homage to a great friend who will always live on in spirit. We may leave our flesh bodies behind, but our energy will always continue to exist. Steve is alive in all those who were touched by his love and graciousness.

Winter Soldier

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 05:02:00 +0000

Well, it has been 2 months since I have written. In that time, it seems as though little has happened, yet I know that isn't true. As I sit here today on the day that we observe Veterans Day, I am reminded that there are so many of my fellow human beings that are in a difficult situation with no end in sight. This morning I did several television interviews across the United States (nearly 30) and I spoke about the inadequacy of healthcare and benefits for Veterans and the lack of an adequate transitioning program that helps our troops readjust to civilian life after experiencing something as traumatic as war. As I sit down tonight and meditate, I will take some time to reflect on what it is that I can do to help bring this war and all wars to an end within my lifetime. Peace to all on Veterans Day.

Today is the day

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:24:00 +0000

Six years of the "War on Terror" and my head is spinning.
Grasping for solutions, my chest tightens and my teeth clench with the manifestations of outrage.
"Send them to fight and leave them behind!"
How much longer can we put up with humanity's failure to put a stop to these atrocities.
"Move over American Soldier, my favorite show is on!"
America, your Idols makes me sick.

Buy a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach him to fish you feed him for a lifetime, show him a picture of a fish and you'll only make him hungry.

American's scream with outrage over the death of a child in a drive-by,
but remain silent when we drop bombs on children overseas.
Not in my backyard!
Give them an enemy and they will support your cause with reverent devotion.
Ask the Native Americans, the Irish, the Germans, the Italians, the Jews, the Africans, the Asians, the Mexicans and now the Muslims. (I am sure there are plenty more to add to this list).

So many preach the rhetoric of war with one side of their mouth, while speaking of peace, justice and equality with the other.
It may appear that we have shed our reptilian layers of racism and hatred in this country, but all along we have grown, manifesting intolerance, nurturing it in our psyche.

Forget the past and you are doomed to repeat it.

The carrot and stick approach works. Dangle consumerism in front of humankind and they will sign over their souls.
Silver platter and all.

Humanity has sold-out for Starbucks and Visa.

Freedom is free.
It is greed that has lead us down the path, paying the fare with lives.
Our youth are bearing the ultimate cost.

Humanity has become a virus.

Understanding, Compassion and Peace are the cure.

Independence Day

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 05:32:00 +0000

On Wednesday, take a moment out of your busy day to reflect back on what you have done for Peace this year. I should mention that this blog is not a political platform. If you want to argue with my point of view, save your breath because I will tell you ahead of time that you are already right. So with that, and with the troubling state that our country is in, I can not help but reflect upon the nearing holiday. On July 4th the United States will celebrate its independence as a sovereign nation. As American's we should be reflecting on the Declaration of Independence, the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Articles of the Confederation and where we now stand in the grand scheme. These documents are important reminders of how we are supposed to treat each other with fairness and dignity. I believe that it is now more crucial than ever that America wakes up to the War that is being waged not only abroad, but on these very documents, and subsequently on its citizens by the current mis-guided administration. Yesterday was particularly troubling for me. I was told by a fellow Veteran about how he and some other Veterans had traveled to Fort Jackson to visit an active duty member of the Iraq Veterans Against the War. These individuals were later confronted and then detained by Military Police without being given a proper reason as to why. As this was happening, one of the members of the group pulled out his "pocket" Constitution and began reading sections concerning the rights of the detained to know why they are being held for questioning. The Military Police simply ignored this. Later, the same individual with the "pocket" Constitution, told the MP's that they were traitors. This is true, I guess, based on the fact that every member of the Armed Forces swears to "uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic". So perhaps prior to enlistment in the Armed Forces, it should be required material to read the Constitution and be tested on it. And what about the members of the White House acting as though they are above the law or that laws do not apply to them at all? What is the Patriot Act, but a tool for obstructing our inalienable rights as stated in the Constitution, the very foundation of our American Democracy. How easy it is to fool the willing, disguising these very real WMD's under the ruse of Patriotism and red, white and blue. Would that not make the current administration domestic enemies of the Constitution? So will America just play along and allow ourselves to be swallowed up and blinded by consumerism and attachment to materialism? The media and Hollywood serve so well as accomplices to the hi-jacking of our country. It has been said that "The best slave is the one the one that thinks he is free". America is more concerned with who the next American Idol is going to be, then they are about how many American's are dying in these illegal and senseless wars. Only one of our Presidential candidates has said that he wants to reinstate the Constitution and get rid of War as a foreign policy (Dennis Kucinich), why only one?. So on the 4th of July, just reflect on some of this, and ask yourself if you are a willing participant in the destruction of American democracy, or are you and advocate for its preservation, and an advocate for Peace.

Gassho,
~Cameron

Haiku

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 21:38:00 +0000

Still water trembles,
Under the red falling leaves.
Peaceful dancing life.

Respect for our Mother

noreply@blogger.com (St.John) — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 08:29:00 +0000

"We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb the world to Peace."
~Michael Franti