Directed By: Sylvester Stallone

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Terry Crews

Run Time: 103 minutes, 90 of them are explosions.

During my time in service to the Atomik Brain Canisters, I’ve gone on record as saying that I don’t expect anything too cerebral from my action films. Gimme cheesy one-liners, a memorable villain, copious amounts of violence all topped off with plenty of explosions and I’ll leave the theater a happy dude. Well, The Expendables, an over the top, silly love letter to and from the action stars of the eighties and early nineties doesn’t have all these things, so to make up for it, the folks behind the camera packed it with an extra helping of explosions. Hoo-boy did they ever. I mean, we’re talking lots of explosions. Like, the last forty minutes or so is one long explosion accompanied by massive gunfire and a suitably epic score. Like, Michael Bay watched this flick and said they might wanna dial back the explosions (Not much, but just a little). By this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “C’mon dude, hyperbole is the most obnoxious crutch of the internet movie reviewer” and ya know what, I agree with you. But even hyperbole does not begin to cover the massive amount of shit that gets blown up in this movie.

The Plot

Please don’t take this as me being a snarky asshole, but I’m not sure the word “plot” really applies with this movie. There are events that happen in sequence and there’s some cause and effect to everything, but really, the stuff holding together all the firefights and bare knuckle brawls is narrative tissue of the skimpiest sort. What we’ve got is the titular Expendables, a group of rough and tumble mercenary types led by Barney (Stallone) doing dirty deeds, (relatively) dirt cheap. After they’ve proved their mettle to the audience by dispatching a bunch of Somali pirates, our heroes are approached by a mysterious spook type (Bruce Willis in a cameo) to take out a tin-pot dictator and his skuzzy ex-CIA bankroller (Roberts) on the vaguely South American island of Vilena. (Vilena, really? Why not just go all the way and call it Evildonia?) Anyhoo, there’s five million dollars in it for them and after a bit of reconnaissance results in massive death, the team comes back full force and even more massive death ensues. Along the way Jet Li will fight Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham will defend the honor of Charisma Carpenter and Stallone will exchange fists and verbal barbs with Steve Austin. There’s a little more to it than that, but any real nuances are lost in the brain rattling string of earth shattering KA-BOOMS that make up the last third of the story.

The Good

So what’s good? Ya know, this’ll probably make me sound like a season pass holder at the Coliseum, but there’s some darned good violence on display in The Expendables. Just how much is extremely difficult to quantify, but I will say that if Joe Bob Briggs tried to post the Drive In Totals, he’d have to go through frame by frame with one of those handheld clicky things to get a rough estimate and even then you could add a zero and still be on the conservative side. Yes indeed, bullets enter the human body from every conceivable angle, knives hit necks and heads at roughly the speed of light and the property damage alone could bankrupt a good-sized Midwestern state. And that’s just the weapons. The hand to hand carnage is something to behold too, especially the aforementioned battles between Lundgren and Li and Stallone and Austin, the latter of which plays much better than Sly’s final confrontation with Eric Roberts not too long thereafter. Casting wise, Statham is the standout; though one gets the feeling Lundgren might’ve stolen the show if he’d had more screen time. Everyone else does just fine when they’re busting skulls and range from tolerable to good when they aren’t. Thankfully, the amount of time devoted to non skull-busting endeavors is so little that the less developed characterizations never really get a chance to annoy.

The Not So Good

What’s not so good? Well, when you’ve got a collection of uber-badasses dealing out death in droves, it stands to reason that they’d need a suitable legion of evil counterparts to really make things interesting. Instead, we get Eric Roberts. Don’t get me wrong, no one does slimy and obnoxious like Roberts, but you damn well know that as soon as he doesn’t have any guns or henchmen left, Sly’s gonna snap him like a twig. And while that’s not precisely what happens, it’s close enough to be disappointing. Austin does the best he can in the menacing second-in-command role, but even the might of Stone Cold himself can’t stand against the assembled forces of light. What this flick really needed was someone like a Segal or a Van Damme as head of the bad guys, either one of them would’ve made for a much more high stakes finale. As it is, most of the action sequences play out like a highlight reel of our heroes just pounding the stuffing out of wave after wave of red-shirt level henchmen and while that’s fun for a while, eventually you wanna see ‘em get scuffed up before regaining control and saving the day. On a completely different note, there’s a scene with Mickey Rourke trying to explain…well, I’m not quite sure. I did my best, but for the life of me I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Probably doesn’t bear too much on anything that came before or after, but those among you who like to know every detail may be left scratching your head after trying to decipher the mumbling.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? Now that’s a silly question and you know it. Anyone, and I mean anyone (ok, mostly male anyones) with a soft spot for action flicks should, and probably will, hit The Expendables as soon as they can. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel and it doesn’t even offer anything new, save for the thrill of watching a veritable A-Team do what they do best. And in this case, that’s all ya really need.

The Verdict

On a scale of zero to five exploding heads, zero being awful and five being perfect, I’d give this particular slice of celluloid three.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

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QMx, one of the greatest known sources of Firefly memorabilia online, brings us yet another Blue Sun masterpiece of the fruity, oaty variety. Standing 4.5 inches tall each, Lavender, Cinnamon and Sage can now be yours to have, to hold and to remind you that one day Eastern Culture will take over most of tentatively settled Universe. Arrange them on the included, solid polystone resin base and you’ve got your very own creepy commercial just waiting to happen.

Created by Serenity Designer Geoffrey Mandel, the Fruity Oaty Girls Bobblehead Maquette Set includes the cheery trio of Fruity Oaty girls, display base and special Verse packaging. These hefty bobbleheads are cast in solid polystone resin and hand painted, with neck joints mounted on springs so they can move to the beat. Even the base – shaped and labeled just like a real Fruity Oaty Bar – is solid resin and color keyed, so girls can easily find their designated slots.

Sage, Cinnamon and Lavender will bring the shiny to anyone’s day. Each girl stands 4.5 inches tall, not including the base, and comes in her own individually branded full-color box. The Fruity Oaty Bar base has its own unique box. All four boxes are nestled in a full-color master carton that’s been designed to look like a standard shipping crate from The Verse.

Limited to 1,500 numbered sets and priced at just $69.95, these will last about as long as a Maidenhead Bar patron remains standing – once River sees the Fruity Oaty Girls in action. Order yours now!

The Fruity Oaty Girls are limited and currently set to ship on the 10th of August so they certainly won’t last very long. You can pre-order your own here and while you’re at it, sign-up for the QMx newsletter here.

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Directed By: Edgar Wright

Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Alison Pill, Jason Schwartzman, Ellen Wong, Kieran Culkin, Johnny Simmons, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza

Run Time: 112 face-punching, coin-collecting, power-up scoring minutes.

Admission time. I don’t like Michael Cera much. Those six words (ok, those five words and a contraction) more than any others are enough to send my comedy loving friends into shrieking fits of histrionics, all the while invoking the spirit of Arrested Development to descend from the heavens and smite me in the name of all that is funny and good. Now granted, AD was good stuff, but our Mr. Cera was part of an ensemble, meaning his soft-spoken, charmingly befuddled obnoxiousness came in much smaller doses. That said, I like video games, comic books, kung fu, Edgar Wright and I have a healthy appreciation for the surreal and absurd (my day to day existence being a prime example) so when I first saw the trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I decided to imagine the title was A Lot of Poeple Beat Up Michael Cera in Hilarious Ways to make the experience more tolerable. Having seen it, I can now say that I don’t dislike him nearly as much and this is easily the funniest movie I’ve seen all year. I can also say that anyone who’s ever liked video games, especially those titles from the halcyon days of the NES need to get themselves to a theater and see this immediately.

The Plot

Story goes a little something like this. In the enchanted land of Toronto Canada, Scott Pilgrim (Cera) is the bassist in a band called Sex Bob-Omb (if you get that joke, you’re well on your way to enjoying the rest of the movie) and dating an effervescent high schooler by the name of Knives Chau (Wong). Things are moving along rather smoothly in Scott’s laid back hipster world until the arrival of Ramona Flowers (Winstead) sends his heart and his head into a tailspin. See, Scott wants to date Ramona, but he’s too cowardly to break up with Knives and if that wasn’t bad enough, his new love interest has a League of Evil Ex’s, seven of them to be precise and Scott has to fight (excuse me, defeat) all of them if he wants a chance to win the fair lady’s hand. Oh, and along the way he’s gotta help Sex Bob-Omb win a huge battle of the bands, figure out how to break the news to Knives and of course, not get killed by the vast amounts of super powered wonkiness being hurled in his general direction.

The Good

So what’s good? Give credit where credit is due, Cera does a fine job throughout, managing to make Scott an enjoyable, likable hero even when he’s not acting particularly heroic. More important, while this is very much Cera’s film, the rest of the cast have their moments to shine, especially Kieran Culkin who plays droll gay roommate Wallace Wells and Alison Pill, who plays snarky drummer Kim Pine. Winstead and Wong do a great job playing the two very different ladies in Scott’s life. The former playing stoic almost to the point of moroseness but still managing to exude dream girl charm while the latter is so openly devoted to Scott that you wanna smack the dope upside the head for not treating her better. Special mention goes out to Chris Evans, Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzman — Schwartzman is the leader of Ramona’s evil ex’s, but either Evans or Routh could’ve easily been the “final boss” which just goes to show how much awesome is packed into the proceedings. Of course all this would be for naught if the script was terrible, thankfully it is not and the gags just keep coming, so fast in fact that it’d take multiple viewings, even from the angriest of video game nerds to catch everything there is to catch. As for the video game references, all I can say is that if you think there should be a joke or a nod to it, there probably is. The only obvious bit I was expecting and didn’t see was some love for the infamous Konami Code, but I could’ve just missed it, so yeah, repeat viewings are on the horizon.

The Not So Good

What’s not good? If you strip away all the manic silliness and over the top combat, you’d realize that Scott spends a good chunk of movie being a selfish jerk. He’s a much more tolerable human being by the time the credits roll, which is a good thing, but his early treatment of friends and bandmates might leave you wondering why Ramona would consider giving him the time of day. Along similar lines, there was a moment when I was left to wonder just what it was about Ramona that made her worth taking all these Street Fighter inspired poundings for. Granted, Mary Elizabeth Winstead is easy on the eyes and she can hold her own in a kung fu battle (always important when seeking a stable, long-term relationship), but for a story that’s so nontraditional in other respects, I found it odd that they’d resort to the ol’ love at first sight device instead of showing a flashback where she fought a dragon or staved off an alien invasion, something like that. Also worthy of note, Scott has an evil-ex himself, a diabolical blonde by the name of Envy Adams. Played with strutting, scenery chomping relish by Brie Larson, Envy comes off as a character that should’ve had a much bigger part in the story, but she disappears near the midway point and leaves you to wonder if she’ll show up in some later installment. After all, if Ramona can have a League, why can’t Scott?

Should You See It?

Should you see it? My first reaction is yes, yes you should, get out to the theater right this very minute and contribute your hard earned money to a comedy that doesn’t suck. However, in the interest of directing folks to the movies that are right for them, I’ll say this. Watch the trailer and gauge your reaction. If you thought “Holy shit, that looks brilliant,” go and check it out. If you thought “Good lord, that looks stupid,” stay far, far away. Because as kooky as it is, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is very much a case of what you see is what you get. If you love videogames, comics and wall to wall wackiness, you will spend close to two hours laughing your ass off. Otherwise, you’ll spend those two hours scratching your head and wondering just what the fuck is going on and why did all those guys just explode into a shower of coins?

The Verdict

If, on a hypothetic scale of Mario power-ups, being small is awful and the Tanooki Suit is perfect, then Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is Goomba’s Shoe and that my friends, is pretty great.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

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My name’s Jay Malone, and I love Star Wars.

Up until about two months ago, I had no idea that Star Wars Celebration V was coming to Orlando. I found out, by chance, while watching Empire on Spike one day. When the ad said that Celebration would be held in Orlando, I believe my entire vocabulary for the next 3 minutes was “Holy Shit! Holy Shit!” repeatedly. Needless to say, yes, I was excited.

Let me back up a bit here – I’ve been a Star Wars fan ever since my Mom and I rented the original trilogy when I was a kid up in Massachusetts. Between that, Indiana Jones, the Tim Burton Batman films, Ghostbusters and comic books, I was hooked on a sci-fi/fantasy/adventure/comic book lifestyle. Despite attempts to shake it in high school, it’s clung to me like a facehugger – and I’m fine with it.

In 1998, when the first Celebration was announced and I dreamt about going to Denver and attending. There’s not really any other level of fandom I approach that rivals Star Wars (with the noted exception of the Flash, but there ain’t no real life Flash museum, despite my prayers and hopes). I love the prequel and original trilogy universe, I love the expanded universe, and I love the video game universe (Super Return of the Jedi FTW!) But, things being what they were, it wasn’t in the cards for me–a guy making minimum wage with no car–to somehow end up in Denver, CO for a week and pay not only for tickets and swag, but also for room and board. (Truth be told, had I gone out, I probably never would have come back. I probably couldn’t have afforded to leave). So, Celebration went back burner. A couple of years later when the second came around I had just gotten engaged to my wife and we were, needless to say, poor. There was no way in hell I could make it out to Indianapolis – ditto for III and absolutely not happening for IV in Los Angeles.

Cut to this year–the “Holy Shit!” moment mentioned above–and the crushing realization that I am, once again, broke, poor, and now saving money to move my family back to Orlando. There is no chance of me getting to, attending, or experiencing something I’ve longed for…it’s just not in the cards. To go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows that quickly is something that’s quite humbling. I mean, I wasn’t able to go for the right reasons – my family is more important to me than The Force any day of the week. I wrote it off. The Force was not strong with this one. Yoda told me in Empire to Do or Do Not – I chose Do Not.

Fortunately, Force(s) conspired against me. This week, my good friend Marc asked me if I’d want to go on Saturday. A friend of his had an extra pass for Saturday, and I said yes. As the week went on, things got slower and slower as I got towards Saturday…it was like waiting for Christmas, only I knew exactly what present I was getting, and I wanted to open it immediately. Then, I began having doubts…what if the Celebration was just another Con? What if it wasn’t everything I’d built it up to being over the last 11 years, and I ended up feeling like I do after every MegaCon; Ultimately annoyed that I drove down to I-Drive, and felt like I was hustled out of money. Good God, what if the Celebration…sucked?

So, on my drive into the show was anxious. On one hand, I was excited because I was checking something off of my “List of Shit To Do™”. On the other hand, I was worried that I’d be checking it off in frustration rather than joy. Walking through the doors onto the show floor itself from the mezzanine melted all my doubts away immediately. I felt like I did when I walked into C2E2 this year. I knew, as soon as I was on the floor, that this is how conventions are supposed to be set up, organized and run. (It should come as no surprise, then, that ReedPop does both C2E2 and Star Wars Celebration – and does both very, very well). The aisles were wider than normal, so walking was a breeze. Things were laid out in such a way that you didn’t have similar dealers bunched up next to each other, creating some sort of negative zone. Toy dealers were placed throughout the hall, and were almost never next to another toy dealer. It was planned, it was executed, and it worked.

So, aside from the show being organized well, there was so much FAN stuff that was awesome. I didn’t make it in time to see the “Main Event” interview between John Stewart and George Lucas, but I was fine with it–that’s what the internet is for. I did, however, find booth upon booth of cool stuff, in particular a prop booth run by EFX Collectibles that I went back to at least five times, each time seeing something else I’d missed the time previous. There were costumes, and unlike MegaCon or FX where I see far, far too many people dressing out of their body types, I truly only saw about 10 people the 6 ½ hours I was on the floor that really shouldn’t have dressed the way they did. In particular, I’m lookin’ at you, Homer Simpson Darth Maul and dumpy Slave Girl Leia (of which I literally only saw one, so that’s not a generalization – in fact, all the Slave Girl Leia’s that were over the age of 18 that weren’t Miss Dumpy actually looked like they belonged in the costume). I also had my faith in Star Wars fandom restored when I was ecstatic to NOT see any Sexy Asokah’s from Clone Wars. In fact, there were literally maybe two people over the age of 10 dressed as Asokah, and neither of them went to the trashy side of things. I do, however, have a problem with the girl dressed as a Sexy Jawa…that was just…creepy, really, really creepy.

The LEGO displays throughout the Celebration were, for lack of a better term, amazing. There were – I believe – two official LEGO booths, and one unofficial booth set up by a group who built amazingly complex scenes from the movies and video games (and, I hope, expanded universe books and comics). In particular, I was a huge fan of their Battle of Hoth scene, as well as the motorized Pod Race from Phantom Menace. The official LEGO booth’s had sets for sale, a life sized Boba Fett that was being built while we were there, as well as the most adorable cutouts you could take pictures with – Han and the Tauntaun were probably my favorite, followed by the LEGO Snowtroopers.

The Hasbro booth was not to be outdone, the displays were brilliant, and the amount of love that the folks at Hasbro clearly have for this property is apparent–not only fiscally, but from a fan perspective as well. I really liked the Hoth scene set up here as well. (I’ll just say this now, I liked anything I saw that involved Hoth. It was a good year for Hoth) In addition to the bridge battle between Clones, Mace Windu, Count Dooku and Battle Droids–really neat to see. My favorite part, though, was how much the booth attendees knew about not only the toy lines, but the properties in general. One of the gentlemen, whose name I didn’t catch, that worked for Hasbro was talking to some of the kids that were trying to learn the new pack in game with the latest Clone Wars action figures, and he was referencing things from the Clone Wars cartoon that wouldn’t just found in a generic instructional pitch. It made me happy to see that this guy was not only passionate about his product, but he truly loved what it was based upon as well.

One of the best highlights for me was hanging with Team Atomik in the Echo Base Ice Bar, sponsored by G4. I truly love my compatriots here at Atomik, and any time we can get the whole group together is a good thing. When we get the whole group together in a bar that has an ice sculpture Wampa and Tauntaun, it’s even better. And when said bar is playing awesome disco and big band versions of Star Wars music…it’s hard to top. Toss in blue lights, a Wampa throw rug, and cleverly named food and beverages – The Nachosen One sticks out to me – all while subtly displaying the G4 branding (literally, there was some window clings, the logo projected into a corner of the room, and Attack of the Show! was being shown on the TV) it quickly becomes unstoppable; a juggernaut of awesomesauce that can’t be beaten.

So yes, Star Wars Celebration V was everything I hoped it would be, and, quite literally, more. The people I was fortunate enough to spend the day with made it an even more enjoyable experience, and I truly consider myself lucky to have been able to spend any amount of time in the Star Wars Universe. 6 ½ hours was barely enough time for me to truly feel like I’d quenched my Star Wars thirst, and I now look forward to the next Celebration that will be on the east coast of the US – ‘cause I’m going. And I really, truly hope things performed well enough here in Orlando that we get another shot at it in a few years. Thank you, Marc, for thinking of me for the pass. Thank you Franco for making it happen. Thank you Team Atomik for making it fun. And Thank You George Lucas for creating Star Wars.

My name is Jay Malone, and I – unabashedly, without hesitation and unconditionally – love Star Wars.

Jay Malone currently lives in a cupboard under the stairs, much like Harry Potter. He has a wife, a son, and a dog that looks like Stitch. His favorite food is Korean spicy pork and would stab a man in the neck for a giant bowl of it. He also plays a lot of video games. I mean, a LOT. It’s a bit unsettling, really.

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Blood and Bones (written by Christian Beranek with art by Andrew Mangum and MaxFlan Araujo) is a take no prisoners military horror graphic novel that asks the question “How far would you go to survive?”

Blood and Bones is a comic looking for your support. Writing and illustrating a comic is difficult enough, but having it published and consumed is another step altogether. You can support Blood and Bones by visiting their Kickstarter project page and donating to make publishing and marketing the comic $2,000 easier. Even better, depending the amount you donate, you get a free copy of the book! ($5 gets you a PDF copy and $10 gets you a tangible signed copy). If you’re into comics, military, horror or you just have a lot of money, you can help!

So far, the project has raised $1,715 of their $2,000 goal with just 4 days left. If you’re unfamiliar with the way it works, Kickstarter.com is an “all-or-nothing” funding website for just about any creative project you can think of. “All-or-nothing” meaning if the project doesn’t meet the goal in the allotted time, no money changes hands. In short, even if gruesome military horror isn’t your bag, even just $1 dollar can help turn a comic from concept to concrete.

Donate.

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Directed By: Dean DeBlois and Chris Sanders (the guys behind the brilliant Lilo & Stitch)

Starring: The voices of Jay Baruchel, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera, Jonah
Hill

Run Time: 98 Minutes, though it feels like 10

Had I realized that the directors of this film were behind my favorite animated movie of all time (Disney’s Lilo & Stitch, for the record) I would have made it a point to see as a first run film, rather than procrastinating until the movie was in the $ 1.00 theater. As it stands, this movie hits on every imaginable level, and proves once again that Disney were beyond insane to dismiss Sanders over his handling of American Dog (aka Bolt). How To Train Your Dragon is everything a film should be, and if you’re not smiling ear to ear or have tears of joy throughout the film, your soul is withered and black, and I feel so, so sorry for you.

The Plot

Our story revolves around Hiccup (Baruchel) and his desire to make an important impact on his Viking village, a village that’s under constant attack by dragons. He’s clearly an outcast in every sense of the word – while every other Viking is aggressive, husky, and somewhat thickheaded, Hiccup is jumpy, thin, and brilliant. In short, he’s the exact opposite of his father, Stoick (Butler), who is also the chief of his village. Hiccup works as an assistant to Gobber (Ferguson) in the village’s smithy, and designs a type of catapult / crossbow used to take down the most vicious dragons of the raiding party. During the initial raid, Hiccup fires his catabow and succeeds in ensnaring a dragon – only no one’s around to see it. This leads to Hiccup finding the downed Night Fury, freeing him, and realizing that in the crash his tail fin was damaged. Being a kind Viking, Hiccup designs a synthetic tail fin attachment and learns more about dragons through his interaction with the Night Fury, who he names Toothless, due to his ability to retract his teeth when breathing fire. Hiccup uses his newfound knowledge base to advance through dragon training, where Astrid (Ferrera) finds out Hiccup has struck up a friendship with a dragon. More dragon breeds are introduced, the Vikings become friends with the dragons, and there’s epic dogfights and ground battles that make for an overall excellent film. Hiccup proves he’s a great Viking.

The Good

It’d be a lot easier to say “everything” and be done with it, but I’ll try and get more in depth. Being an animated feature, it’s necessary from the word go to have great character design, and this movie does, in spades. The voice acting is almost perfect throughout, with the most exceptional performances from Craig Ferguson, America Ferrera and Jonah Hill, whose performance as Snotlout was so well done I had to do a double take when I saw his name on IMDB as the performer. In fact, I’m still not convinced it’s THE Jonah Hill, because the performance was so far away from his normal voice and acting talents. The score throughout the film is stirring. It plays so perfectly against what’s happening on the screen that you notice when the music isn’t playing. The final trial that Hiccup faces during the films closing scenes are both poignant and touching, and really show the symbiotic nature of the characters. Finally, the plot lines of a boy and his pet and a boy and his father hit especially home for me – sure, it’s a cartoon at the end of the day about Vikings and dragons, but there’s enough real life there to tug at the heart strings.

The Not So Good

Not much, truth be told. Jay Baruchel’s voice does get a little grating at times, but it’s a perfect fit for Hiccup’s character, so it’s hard to really say it’s a poor performance. I think the big bad of the film was a bit forced, and his style didn’t exactly match the rest of the film, but overall it was a satisfying movie, and I’m being nitpicky.

Should You See It?

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This has been a good year for animated features, with Toy Story 3 out in June, and How To Train Your Dragon only adds to 2010’s Animated pedigree. To be honest, I enjoyed HTTYD more than Toy Story 3. It hadn’t been since the first Iron Man that I walked out of a theater with my cheeks hurting from smiling so much. As many films as I’ve seen this year and I’ve enjoyed, I can’t say I liked one more than How To Train Your Dragon – it’s my film of the year for 2010.

The Verdict

100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, 5 out of 5 Viking helmets.

Jay Malone currently lives in a cupboard under the stairs, much like Harry Potter. He has a wife, a son, and a dog that looks like Stitch. His favorite food is Korean spicy pork and would stab a man in the neck for a giant bowl of it. He also plays a lot of video games. I mean, a LOT. It’s a bit unsettling, really.

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Dana, creator and host of the wonderful Stimulated Boredom, must really like us. During his latest podcast he took time to mention Atomik despite having plenty of things Comic-Con to talk about with guest co-host Vanessa G of Girls Gone Geek.

I’ll put it this way: as a listener, testing the waters of a new podcast is daunting. With so many choices out there, what you need is a good old-fashioned recommendation. If you’re into interesting, down-to-earth, thought-provoking spoken word, Stimulated Boredom might be for you. If not, well, who left your cage unlocked?

Click it!

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Directed By: Jimmy Hayward

Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox. John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender, Aidan Quinn

Run Time: 80 minutes packed to the gills with meh.

My first exposure to scar-faced bounty hunter and all around badass Jonah Hex happened sometime in the mid nineties when he was the focus of an episode of Batman – The Animated Series (For the record: Best. Cartoon. Ever.) where he tangled with Ra’s al Ghul and his son in the late nineteenth century. In this episode, Ra’s is building a sort of zeppelin-ish war machine with the intent of halting America’s westward expansion and he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for the fact that Hex just happened to be in town looking to collect a bounty of Ghul’s psychopathic offspring. Now obviously this was an afternoon cartoon, so they had maybe twenty-three minutes to work with, not to mention standards & practices types to make sure the violence wouldn’t go beyond PG levels. The sad part is, this one episode is a much better handling of Jonah and his world than the new big budget film bearing the same name. Which is not to say that it’s the gawdawful wreck that some would have you believe but that‘s probably the best thing I can say about it. The worst thing about Jonah Hex is that you can occasionally see flashes of an excellent story trying to shine through and these glimpses make the overall mediocrity that much more aggravating.

The Plot

Plot is as follows: Jonah Hex (Brolin) fought for the Confederacy during the Civil War and for reasons that are never quite fully explained, ended up killing his best friend and fellow soldier, Jeb Turnbull. Alas, Jeb’s father just happens to be burgeoning domestic terrorist and all around murderous crazy Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) who pays Hex back by slaughtering his family and branding the poor dope’s face. Jonah’s rescued by a local Indian tribe and apparently because he died for a minute or two, now he can talk to dead people. Flash forward several years — Hex is now making his living as a bounty hunter and generally ignoring the rest of the world as America approaches its centennial. Out to spoil the fun is the elder Turnbull who’s managed to steal and assemble all the parts of a “Nation Killer” weapon, one originally designed by Eli Whitney of all people. President Grant (Quinn) who seemingly has no faith in the U.S. army, brings Hex in to stop Turnbull’s plans and save the fledging Union from destruction. Along the way there’s plenty of explosions, gunfights, slashings and Megan Fox in a corset that probably took several years off her life. It all sounds very exciting and dammit, it should’ve been, but it’s not and it makes me sad.

The Good

So what’s good? Josh Brolin does a fine job as Jonah, coming off as equally rugged, weary, vengeful and cunning. He carries the physicality off nicely as well, not just when Hex is busting heads and blowing away goons, but in those few quiet moments when the weight of the world comes pressing down. The other highlights casting-wise all come from supporting characters who could’ve used more screen time. Michael Fassbender as a crazy knife wielding Irish thug, Lance Reddick as a store owner who doubles as Hex’s armorer and Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Jeb Turnbull who’s one scene with Hex (in an eerie, moonlit cemetery) is easily the best sequence in the movie. The action is pretty solid overall with the camera and editing being steady enough for you to see what’s going on. Though the downside is that the PG-13 rating ensures that a lot of bullets will fly and bodies will be riddled but you’ll never see too much of the red stuff. And while it’s not so much good as it is unintentionally hilarious, the design and firing sequence of the Nation Killer weapon should earn a few good laughs. Really, if you can watch it in action and not call out, “Ready the bowling ball launcher!” and “Prepare to detonate oversized novelty bath beads!” there’s something terribly wrong with how you see the world.

The Not So Good

And what’s not good? Man, I hate to say anything bad about John Malkovich because he’s one of my favorite actors, but the dude just didn’t look happy to be there and as such he comes across more listless and depressed than really evil. Now, he’s always struck me as one of those guys who could read the phonebook and make it sound like a coded message for Armageddon, so Turnbull is not entirely without menace, but a bit more energy would’ve been greatly appreciated. Megan Fox (playing thee most clothing-est wearing-est hooker in the history of film) is easy enough on the eyes here, but good grief, the Southern “accent” she’s sporting is nothing short of painful. Speaking of the south, as someone who’s spent most of his life in the area, it bugged the crap out of me to see this flick playing it so fast and loose with geography. Sure, they tell you where they are occasionally, but characters seem to zip all over the southeast in the blink of an eye and don’t even get me started on how it looks like the brothel where Megan Fox does her business is right off Main Street in Tombstone, Arizona. Yargh. Finally, there’s the make-up job on Hex’s trademark deformity. It’s handled well enough for what you’re shown, but it struck me as WAY too tame. When I think of Jonah Hex, he’s just a step below Two Face on the “Holy shit, what happened to you?” scale and the big screen incarnation looks like he could be fixed up nicely by a halfway competent doctor.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? While I’m loathe to warn anyone away from a film because there’s no telling what chord it might strike with different, folks, but if you DO decide to check out Jonah Hex, just keep your expectations in the basement and have loads of good zingers ready, I have no doubt you’ll be able to unload them all.

The Verdict

In the spirit of Eli Whitney’s Nation Killer weapon. I’d say Jonah Hex is two oversized novelty bath beads out of five.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

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Remember back during C2E2 when we got you excited about Threadless shirts featuring the art of Jill Thompson, Art Baltazar, Tony Moore and Cliff Chiang? Those shirts–those very exciting shirts–they’re available now. If you aren’t familiar with Threadless, they specialize in producing very limited runs of t-shirts. Buy them now or be left out forever.

Based on a story by Jill Thompson, the character has a recurring dream involving cupcakes and zombies…or something. There are 4 “issues” in the first volume, each illustrated by the aforementioned artists. All four of them represent different styles but every single one is beautiful in its own right. Considering Threadless’ effort to continuously refer to this as the first “volume” there will certainly be more in the future.

The four packs have mostly sold out but separately each shirt still has at least a few of every size. Get yours now!

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Directed By: William Malone

Starring: Dylan Purcell, Cherilyn Wilson, Patrick Kilpatrick, Jeffrey Combs, Dov Tiefenbach

Run Time: 103 minutes spent wondering just what in the hell is up with the sky.

If you’re anything like me (and my apologies if you are) your initial reaction upon hearing “parasomnia” is “Nope, that’s not a real word. Just something vaguely scientific / medical sounding they whipped up to shill a horror flick.” But damned if it’s not worth points on the Scrabble board, here’s the definition I found a few minutes back:

Par-a-som-ni-a: (n) Any of several disorders that frequently interfere with sleep, occurring especially among children and including sleepwalking, night terrors and bed wetting.

Now as amusing as a movie about night terrors and bed wetting might be, the specific disorder on display in Parasomnia is Kleine-Levin Syndrome, more commonly known as Sleeping Beauty Syndrome, in which a person spends most of their life sleeping. Sounds like a fairly restful, but fairly boring way to get through the day, right? Well, what if one of these poor, sleepy dopes was housed next door to a homicidal hypnotist with the power to invade one’s dreams and do all sorts of other terrible things? Then my friends, things get interesting.

The Plot

The plot is as follows: Danny Sloan (Purcell) is visiting his pal Billy (Tiefenbach) in the hospital, the latter just about to finish up a stint in rehab. While wandering the corridors of this rather cavernous, inadequately staffed institution, Danny comes across a comely lass named Laura Baxter (Wilson) who looks to be just fine save for the fact that she’s sleeping. A bit of nosing around confirms that she has the aforementioned KLS and a bit more disturbing, the guy in the next room over is Byron Volpe (Kilpatrick) a maniacal hypnotist so dangerous they keep him hooded and gagged 24-7 just to keep him from working any mind-bending chicanery on the orderlies. Alas, Volpe’s somehow managed to worm his way into Laura’s subconscious and he’s turned it into a twisted playground where she’s always on the run from various horrors. And if that wasn’t bad enough, some sleazebag doctor in the real world wants to move Laura to another facility and run experiments on her. This doesn’t sit well with Danny, so he does the only sensible thing and busts his snoozing sweetheart out of the hospital. As a kidnapping, it’s going about as well as can be expected until an infuriated Volpe makes his escape and proceeds to carve a bloody swath as he tracks down his wayward plaything.

The Good

So what’s good? Patrick Kilpatrick’s turn as Byron Volpe is a show stealer, no question. Not since Nathan Baesel’s turn in Behind the Mask have I been so impressed / creeped out by a character, which is even more impressive when you consider that he spends the first two thirds of the movie chained, hooded and otherwise immobile. If you don’t get spooked when he starts intoning “She’s mine in time, in time she’s mine,” you’re either made of stouter stuff than I, or are unimaginative to the point of deficiency. The rest of the cast does a good job, though Purcell and Wilson are often overshadowed by Jeffrey Combs and Dov Tiefenbach in spite of their much smaller screen time. Folks looking to get their gore on should be quite satisfied as we’re treated to a swan dive off a skyscraper, stabbings, slashings, disembowelments, eye gougings, gunshots to the face and extremely gooey skull puppetry. The dream world Volpe’s created inside Laura’s head is pretty neat too, all full of spinning mirrors, herky-jerky imp things (they look like more advanced versions of the creatures from The Gate) and the sort of spooky hospital / asylum imagery that Malone did so well in the House on Haunted Hill redux. Personally I would’ve liked to have seen this dream labyrinth done as a real set as opposed to green screen, but considering the complexity of the thing, it probably would’ve been a budget buster, so I’m not gonna complain too loudly.

The Not So Good

What’s not good? As interesting / threatening as he is, Volpe could’ve really used a stronger personality opposing him. I mean, the guy’s such a monster that you keep thinking Batman should come crashing through the skylight in his lair to kick start a final battle, but all we get is a soft spoken art student and a girl with the ultimate case of narcolepsy. Also on the Volpe side of things, there’s a creature in the dream world that “seems” to be the hypnotist’s avatar – given how monstrous he is in the waking world, the fantastic version should be something right out of Hieronymus Bosch and yet it looks more like Frankenberry mated with a Bonsai Tree. Terrifying to some perhaps, but it got chuckles from my friends and I. The reliance on CGI also hampers the scenes where Volpe is busting out his hypnotic powers. I would’ve settled for an arched eyebrows and creepy music, instead the world around him goes dark and there’s a sort of twirly, spiral thing that appears behind his head, almost like a tumbleweed halo. Again, Kilpatrick is so menacing that the effects weren’t really necessary, indeed they almost rob some of the later scenes of their power. Finally, as graphic as the kills are, I found myself hoping they’d be, not gorier, but more surreal. Given the overall dreamy nature of the story, I was thinking there’d be stuff to just turn your brain inside out, but really there’s nothing here in terms of carnage that you haven’t seen before, ‘cept maybe for the skull puppetry, which is really freakin’ cool.

Should You See It?

Should you see it? Hmmmh, that’s a bit of a toss-up. If you’re looking for standard stalk and slash, I’d say no, as the story does take a while to really get going and the questionable actions of the leads might prove frustrating to some viewers. But if you’re looking for something different than mainstream genre fare that doesn’t skimp on the gruesome, give Parasomnia a try. It probably won’t bring on night terrors or bed wetting, but I doubt you’ll want to go to sleep right after it’s over either.

The Verdict

If bed wetting is awful and night terrors is perfect, then I’d say Parasomnia is that weird falling jolt thing that brings you out of a dream sometimes (you mean a kick? -ed), and that’s pretty good, if not a bit disconcerting.

Til next time, always remember that the calls are coming from inside the house.

Tom Bess recently shaved his legendary sideburns at a cost of two hours and five pounds. The end result is a slightly puffier, but much more aerodynamic movie-reviewing machine who is still patiently waiting for Allison Mack to return his calls. While he’s waiting, he’ll read copious amounts of Lovecraft and eat too many Peach Gummy Bears.

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