Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Liver, Baby Liver

Dan — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:19:34 +0000

Which internal organ do you think is most full of itself? It’s surely no surprise to anybody who has correctly parsed the heading of this post that my vote goes to the liver. I mean, yes, the liver is a vital piece of anatomical machinery for anybody who wants to live, but it’s part of an ensemble. Hearts, brains, spleens, scrotum piercings, elbows. They’re all in there doing their bit. And for the liver to proclaim itself as the ‘live’-r is arrogant in the extreme. It would be like Woody Harrelson suddenly calling himself ‘Mr Cheers‘. Yes, Woody. It’s hard to imagine the timeless bar-based sitcom without you (assuming one missed the first three seasons), but you’re not the be-all and end-all of the show. You’re part of an ensemble cast, all vital cogs in a half-hour of liver-damaging alcoholic hilarity.

But I’ve digressed from my main point, which is this: if you’re an up-and-coming midwife, read your textbooks carefully. There’s a big difference between delivering a baby and de-livering one.

Trust me.

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Liver, Baby Liver

9.14 The Blood of Zod

Dan — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 01:38:26 +0000

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

We open on a newspaper, which, for those of us who haven’t seen an episode in a while, helpfully reads ‘Tower of Tomorrow Terminated!’ Superlad skips straight past that bit to the Page 3 girl. Only to remember he’s not in the UK and that, therefore, there’s no Page 3 girl to speak of.

“‘American way’, my Kryptonian butt,” he mutters to himself, and heads off to instead confront one of those dreadfully interchangeable Kandorian women.

Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #1 shows her sister (Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2) to him.

“Kal-El!” she hollers.

“It’s Superlad!” he hisses back. Even though Bo’s been dead for over four seasons now, he still feels his disapproving glare and unyielding kryptonite thrashing-stick whenever anybody plays fast and loose with the whole secret ID thing.

“What-evs!” says Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2. “We have nothing to fear any more.”

So we all know she’s doomed.

Superlad wanders off. He can’t abide this ‘nothing to fear’ talk. Who is he, FDR?

Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2 gazes after him, all lovesick-like, before returning to her bookstore. An ominous camera angle approaches.

“Hello?” she says.

No response.

“Goodbye?” Because maybe she’s got this English thing ass-backwards.

Still no response. But then, after she shuts up shop, she’s attacked by… the Sandman! Or some other gas mask-wearing dude who emits smoke. Who can say, the way these Smallville writers play fast and loose with DC continuity?

Either way, she wakes up in some kind of Matrix-esque pod, which, like, totally inhibits her ability to join in on the opening credits dance.

But not me!

After the credits, we’re off to the Daily Planet.

“Hello?” says Superlad, wandering in.

Lois leers at him, unrestrained lust in her loins.

“Goodbye?” says Superlad.

“I see a table for two in our future,” says a soothsaying Lois, as she rubs up against him.

“Oh, right,” says Superlad. “We’ve admitted we’re hot for one another. Yes.”

But before they can ratchet up the grope factor, Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #1 shows up.

“I thought we agreed Daily Planet is off limits,” says Superlad. Stupid Kandorians showing up all the time prevents him from getting any work done! Or, indeed, rutting with Lois in a broom closet.

“I had no choice,” says Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #1. “You’re the only person who can find my sister. She’s been kidnapped.”

Superlad sighs. “Which one is she again?” Friggin’ Interchangeable Kandorians.

Over to GA, then, who is wandering around his office shirtless. Little Miss Luthor is there, hammering him on several points. For one, why isn’t he concerned about the tower being destroyed (GA response: (sigh) “Shit happens”). For two, can he put on a shirt sometime? She’s all for some GA pec-work now and then, but dude’s supposed to be a CEO of a Luthorcorp subsidiary. For board meetings, at least, he should shirt up. (GA response: (sigh) “Shirts happen”).

But Little Miss Luthor has had enough of GA’s world-weary sighing and pseudo-clever wordplay. “Also, somebody in one of your subsidiaries is embezzling funds,” she reveals. “Find the money drain and stop the leak!”

She storms out, all fiscally sensible and sexy.

Superlad has by now wandered over to Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2′s bookstore. Who should he bump into, but Major (snicker) Zod.

“I’ll look after this problem,” says Zod. “You look after the humans.” He sneers. “Like a little human-looker-after-er.”

“I can’t be blamed for this,” says Superlad.

“Sure you can,” says Zod, not deterred so easily. “You wanted to drive a wedge between me and my people. And now a whole warehouse-load of Interchangeable Kandorians are missing. Their kidnappers left behind a crest.”

“A crust?” says Superlad, who didn’t have time for breakfast.

“A crest!” says Zod, who sensibly didn’t skip the most important meal of the day. “BTW, I know you wrecked the tower and you should know that, because of your actions, our people’s blood is on your hands.”

He sniffs and leaves. Superlad checks his hands. There’s no blood there. This Zod dude’s crazy. No wonder he’s only a major.

Over to Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2, still captured. The gas dude takes his mask off. Yeah, that’s not Sandman. It’s just some dude in a gas mask. (Which, yes, yes, also describes Sandman perfectly adequately. But let’s not get bogged down in ill-defined Golden Age superheroes.)

“I know all about you aliens,” says Gas Dude. “Furthermore, I’m gathering proof of your alien nature to take to the authorities and once I find it, we’ll hunt down all of you and exterminate you.”

IKW2 screams while Gas Dude wanders off to, uh, chainsaw up one of the other interchangeable Kandorians he prepared earlier.

I'm not going to kiss you, TIAC. Who do you think you are? Lois? Little Miss Luthor? Some other hot chick? Prrffrrt

Over to TIAC’s Nerd HQ, where GA has wandered in.

“Just the pecs I was waiting for,” says TIAC.

GA ignores her tryhardiness. He turns up the radio and leans in. TIAC, sadly, thinks he’s about to kiss her.

“Grow up,” says GA, waving her away. “I think Little Miss Luthor is listening.” He looks around before turning back to her. “Now, why are you embezzling from me?”

“I’m buying insurance for the entire planet.”

“Get a good deductible,” advises GA, financially savvy as always.

Over to Lois all alone at a fancy restaurant, stood up by Superlad who is either busy tracking down the missing Kandorians or completing an important level of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. She is confronted by the Gas Dude.

“I have a story that will make your career!” he says. “Aliens are living among us.”

Lois sneers dismissively. “I think I’d know if there were aliens living among us,” she says, erroneously full of herself.

Gas Dude pulls a gun on her and takes her back to his labs. He shows her some blood tests, some notes. “You write this story up for your paper. They’ll believe it when it comes from a legitimate reporter like you! And just to make sure of it, I’m going to send some of the alien body parts I’ve chainsawed off to leading scientists from all around the world!”

Lois is horrified. “You’re crazy!” she says. “Why on Earth would you think I was a legitimate reporter!”

Stupid crazy Gas Dude.

“Crazy like a chainsaw-wielding fox!” he says. And to accentuate the point, he pulls off his beanie to show that he’s also had some kind of brain implant on his hideous skull. “When I died I was at peace. But the aliens brought me back to life and now my thoughts never stop. Like Stephen Hawking. Or Katy Perry. The invasion has begun. It’s time to fight.”

Over to Superlad, who, having reached a Save Point on Call of Duty, is now hanging around with Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #1. The pair of them gossip about Zod.

“He’s so, like, barf!” says Superlad. “Y’know? I mean, ew!”

“You shouldn’t hate on Zod,” says IK1. “He’s a war hero ready to give his life to save people. You think you have insight into him, but you don’t know the man.”

“Yeah, but he’s still skeevy, y’know?”

Over to The Daily Planet where Zod’s decided to show off his previously unseen pickpocket skills. He steals an ID, a pair of glasses and a notebook, and thereby becomes a perfect replica of a Daily Planet reporter.

He sidles up to one of the Daily Planet research staff.

“I’m totally, like, a Daily Planet reporter–” (gestures to glasses and notepad) “– writing an article on extraterrestrial conspiracies. I’ve checked with everybody. But I haven’t found anything. Maybe some chainsaw-wielding gas mask-wearing guy with a spooky brain implant contacted the paper at some point. Can you get me a box that will lead me directly to this week’s villain?”

“Sure.”

And she does.

What are GA and TIAC up to, I hear you ask? Well, TIAC’s showing him a truck full of kryptonite weapons. So that’s well and good.

“They’re to protect us from Kandorians,” she says. “All their IDs have chips in them so I can track them everywhere.”

“Just like the Government,” says GA. “Or Starbucks.”

“Exactly,” says TIAC. “I’ve also got them complimentary FourSquare™ accounts!”

“You’re weird, TIAC,” says GA.

Lois, meanwhile, has been rescued by Zod, who now inexplicably claims he works for the FBI. Still, fair enough, I suppose. I’ve seen worse FBI agents on television.

Lois leads him to Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2.

“What has this monster done to you!” he says. He goes to rescue her, but Gas Dude, offended at being called a monster, shows up and shoots him in the gut. Zod sinks to his feet, totally gutshot.

Gas Dude orders Lois to go back to writing her article.

Lois agrees, but still sneaks in a lot of unnecessary adverbs. She’ll write it, but she won’t write it well.

Before you die, Zod, check out me in my singlet (aka tank top)

After he leaves, she heads over to check how Zod’s going. Not well, as it turns out. So Lois decides to take her top off. Might as well make his final moments as pleasant as possible. She also pushes her chest onto his wound.

“Backup will be here soon,” she says.

“Backup?” says Zod. More hot chicks with large breasts are going to come and press against him? Who knew that Earth was so sophisticated in their treatment of gunshot wounds? But then he remembers that Lois still stupidly believes he works for the FBI. He sighs. “Backup isn’t coming,” he says. “Cutbacks,” he adds, continuing the lie for the hell of it.

Superlad is still miles off the pace, plotwise. Remember when TIAC used to have her script ready to help push him along? God, I miss that. He’s still at the hospital, following up some random hospital lead. Bored with his slow progress, some intern takes pity.

“Gas Dude was our lead doctor,” says the intern. “He says he was attacked by aliens, who brought him back to life and operated on his brain. He’s crazy.”

“Is he?” says Superlad. “Is he?”

“Yes.” And gives him the address.

By now, Lois has received a good solid kick from Gas Dude, knocking her out. Gas Dude suddenly realises that Zod is also an alien.

“You guys are everywhere!” he says. “You don’t belong on this planet. Your invasion stops now.” He puts on his mask. Picks up his chainsaw. Goes to hack Zod into pieces.

But Superlad shows up and punches him away.

“Friggin aliens!” says Gas Dude, totally fed up now. He goes to hack Superlad up, but, stupidly, doesn’t check for overhead electrical cables and so slices into them and dies. Ha ha ha!

Superlad rescues a swooning Interchangeable Kandorian Woman #2, then goes to check out Zod.

“I’ll never see the sun rise on your planet again,” says Zod.

“Don’t sweat it,” says Superlad. “I haven’t seen a sun rise since I quit being a farmer. I need my beauty sleep, dammit!” He punches his fist, then remembers Zod is still dying. “We need to get you to a hospital,” he declares.

“You can’t save me,” says Zod. For he has no health insurance. Also, he just died at the end of that sentence.

“Zod!” says Superlad.

Distraught, he goes over, picks up a random piece of Kryptonite, cuts himself with it, then clenches the fist so a CGI drop of his blood falls into Zod’s wound.

Which, as any competent medical student will tell you, brings Zod back to life. And, also presumably, gives him superpowers.

And that’s about that. Back at The Daily Planet a few days later, Lois has got some blood samples analysed. She hides them in a drawer for some reason. Also, she’s pissed that Zod isn’t on the FBI register.

“Duh,” says Superlad. “He’s undercover.” He knows a good identity-hiding lie when he sees one.

“You’re hiding something. Tell me about Zod.”

“Only if you tell me what’s in your drawer,” says Superlad, apparently forgetting about the X-Ray vision. He sure hopes it’s lingerie. Or an iPad.

“Touche. Let’s keep some mystery in our romance.”

“Whatever,” says Superlad. He runs off to meet Zod on the rooftop.

But Lois has received an SMS from some mysterious individual known only as ‘The Wall’. She knew she shouldn’t have signed up for that Pink Floyd mailing list. She likes The Wizard of Oz soundtrack in its original form, thank you very much, Mr Roger Waters!

But this SMS has nothing to do with the Floyd oeuvre. Instead, it reads: ‘Thanks for the blood sample’. And when she checks, the blood sample is gone and replaced by a chess pawn! Now, that’s sharp sleight of hand!

Up to the rooftop.

“How did you know your blood would heal me?” says Zod.

“I have a basic medical training,” lies Superlad.

“When you saved my life, I realised I can trust you,” lies Zod in return. “You care about Kandorians. Together we’ll make sure our people can call Earth home.”

They go for a handshake, but miss and grab one another’s forarms instead. Embarrassed, Superlad zips off.

And Zod? Oh, you better believe he zips off, too. He leaps off the building and flies like a goddamn mofo. Funny, how the farm boy is the only Kryptonian who hasn’t caught onto this flying schtick yet.

No, not ‘funny’. The other one. ‘Pathetic and sad.’

Next time: Time for Zod mischief, I reckon.

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Gay Pride March

Dan — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 02:10:41 +0000

I went to a gay pride march the other day. Question: how do they get all the lions into those adorable sequined outfits?

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Mad Men

Dan — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:00:23 +0000

Caught my first episode of Mad Men last night.

What? No Dave Berg? Epic fail!

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Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (again)

Burning Bright

Dan — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 22:15:43 +0000

Despite the fact I have negative interest in the age-old walk-ruining pox that is golf, that hasn’t stopped me from previously commenting on Mr Tiger Woods. Perhaps it has something to do with my disbelief that a grown man could go around calling himself ‘Tiger’. Perhaps it’s because I’m genuinely curious as to whether or not a bear will someday shit in him. Regardless, last night I listened closely as the news covered his divorce from the still-startled Elin ‘Wait. He cheated on me with them?’ Nordegren. And, after a typically tedious recap of the press release about said divorce, the newsreader felt obliged to offer the following editorial comment:

“Let’s hope Tiger can now get back to doing what he loves.”

What, shagging the criminy out of crusty skanks? Isn’t that what got him to trouble in the first place?

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