Is there another planet with intelligent life forms, and if so will they ever contact earth?

~Space Cadet

Greetings Space Cadet,

It’s funny.  I just got this same question from the only other planet with intelligent life and I my answer was that they’d better hope not.  You would really ruin their day.

And I have to say that I find it a little presumptuous for you to assume that you live on a planet with intelligent life forms.  If I can just direct your attention to the town hall meetings your congressmen have been subjected to lately?  I heard Barney Frank tell some idiot holding a Obama as Hitler photo talking about death panels that arguing with her would be like arguing with a dining room table.  Guess which planet Barney Frank is visiting from?  That’s a guy I could have over for dinner.  He’s kind of sexy too.  He’s got that distinct way of speaking, and I’d love to hear him say, “Oh Satan, yes!  Yes!”

But what good would it do you if a species with superior intellect were to visit?  It would just make your collective inferiority complex even worse, which almost always results in bloodshed.  To be honest, there are no Earth brochures at the Universal Travel Agency.  No one wants to come there.  You’ve made it a shitty place to be.

You’ve got George Clinton.  That’s more than you deserve so be satisfied with that for now. Stare at the stars and get your funk on.

You’re welcome,

~Satan

Have a question?  Ask Satan!

Why the end of Slayer is so near?  I just fucking love this band, I don’t wanna die without go to any concert.  Shit.  I want to see those guys.  They’re my religion..  Tom Araya is my fucking God.  I can’t live without it.

Why i’ts gonna be over?

~ Heavy Mettle

Greetings Heavy Mettle,

Well, right away there are some easy answers to some of this.  If you don’t “wanna die without go to any concert”, I say, sell some plasma, save up and “go any concert”.  Also – Tom Araya is a good a God as any.  Live it up.  Worship at will.  Can’t live without?  Well then, do the opposite.  Judging from your brief question, that is really the best advice I have for you.

Nice Penmanship

One thing I would like to address is the fact that you all seem to think that I’m somehow responsible for bands like Slayer.   Come on.  Give me some credit.  I’m much more subtle then that.  I was responsible for the Carpenters and REO Speedwagon and many others.  Bands like Slayer don’t have much to do with me, other than that they’ve stolen many of my visual marketing materials such as the pentagram, skulls, rotting corpses, etcetera.  As an aside, I’ll tell you that Hilter is none to happy about Slayers use of his eagle logo.  He seems to be working on a lawsuit of some sort.

Also – I hope that you all would have the sense to know that I would never have a formal relationship with any band with such a horrible sense of font.  Please.

Unlike God, I have no problem with my name being used in vain.  Too the long lineage of “Satanic” bands, from Venom, to Saxon, to Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and even Slayer – I say, bravo.  Good for you.  Keep it up.  The world needs noise totally devoid of melodic sense or intelligent lyrics.

But that certainly doesn’t mean I have them in my iPod.

Why do birds, suddenly appear…”

You’re Welcome,

~Satan

Dear Satan,

Who’s better: Conan, Leno or Letterman?

~ Late Night Zombie

Greetings Late Night Zombie,

I notice you don’t mention Craig Ferguson. I know he’s not in the same time slot, but he is the best late night talent there is. Excluding me, of course. But Ferguson has an intelligence and a style that Conan and Leno completely lack. And Letterman – well, I gave him what he has, so there’s a bit of a conflict of interest there.

Ferguson is a scrappy fighter too. I’ve tried to get him back on the hooch since 1992. He’s a really funny drunk. Was anyway. I remember one time, I had him drinking heavily in a pub on Christmas eve. He woke up Christmas morning covered in his own urine and I was so damn close to getting him out the third story window. No dice. He went downstairs to the pub, got drunk again , and forgot to do himself in. That’s a man I can respect. I’ll get him one way or the other though.

So, my answer to the question you didn’t ask is, Craig Ferguson. Now let’s get back to the question you did ask.

Conan. If you look at him from the front long enough- his head and face starts to look like some ancient instrument used for ship navigation. He’s a weird looking mother fucker. Which is funny. But not funny enough. Mostly, he comes off as completely uncomfortable in his own skin. Maybe it’s not his skin. But he just doesn’t have the confidence someone needs in order to be in front of millions of humans every weeknight. If you ask me, he’s a much better writer than performer. The Simpson’s are still on, right? We’d all be better served if he’d give up the spotlight and write a few more episodes.

Leno. Leno retired, didn’t he? If he didn’t, he should. He’s not very funny. He’s got a face that looks like a JC Penny’s high heeled shoe. And that’s not funny. Where did he even come from? As far as I know, he went from stand up, to Doritos spokesman, to The Tonight Show. In my opinion, his talent should have stopped him at step two of that unexplainable meteoric rise. I hope he’s been good, because I don’t even want his stupid ass down here.

Letterman. Listen, fifteen years ago David Letterman was Craig Ferguson-like. Smart. Irreverent. His own individual style. But I don’t know anyone who’s watched his show since 1999.  The last time I remember laughing at David Letterman is when I heard he had to have heart surgery.

He was actually in the hospital – near the nurses station. He was deciding whether to go down the right hallway toward the coffee machine, or the left hallway where his room was. He was at a crossroads. And that’s when he summoned me. He knew he was up shits creek. He knew he was starting to suck. So, blah blah blah , a quick violin competition, a couple of blood signatures, and the same old story. I get a soul I could get way cheaper on Craigslist, and he gets to stay on television until he’s 72. Which I think is coming up next month. Late night TV hosts are like rock stars. It’s not fun watching someone as old as Keith Richards do anything other than disappear.

So, in closing. Quit your job and stay up two an a half hours later than normal every night. It’s worth it.  And your job sucks anyway.

You’re welcome,