Jane Lynch - another one of mine...

It should come as no surprise that I already had the producers of Family Guy and South Park on my roster – so they were happy to purchase my television concept in exchange for all of their intern’s souls.  I’m not sure who got the deal there, but the result is Neighbors From Hell, an extremely twisted new animated series on TBS.  I do not appear in the credits as agreed contractually, and have contacted my attorney who is more satanic then I am.

Meet The Hellman’s. They’re your average all-American suburban family with 2 kids and a dog. They also happen to be sent from Hell by Satan himself (Me) on a mission to keep a wealthy corporation from drilling into the underworld.  (Do you see how I’ve taken current events and placed them into a fictionalized morality tale?  I learned that from Law & Order.)  The show is chock full of some of my favorite themes – and I think my sense of humor really shines through.  Minion, Balathazor, and his family head to earth with one mission: to blend in with the humans and figure out how to destroy the drill, thus protecting Hell. More accustomed to life in the nether regions, the Hellmans try to follow the rule of SNORFIN–”seem normal and fit in”–but they quickly learn that humans can be more evil than any demon ever could.

Soon, the Hellmans discover that their demonic natures are no match for the twisted ways of their earthly counterparts… something I’ve been grappling with for years…

The show airs Mondays at 9/10c on TBS.  Go watch it, or deal with me.

Is there another planet with intelligent life forms, and if so will they ever contact earth?

~Space Cadet

Greetings Space Cadet,

It’s funny.  I just got this same question from the only other planet with intelligent life and I my answer was that they’d better hope not.  You would really ruin their day.

And I have to say that I find it a little presumptuous for you to assume that you live on a planet with intelligent life forms.  If I can just direct your attention to the town hall meetings your congressmen have been subjected to lately?  I heard Barney Frank tell some idiot holding a Obama as Hitler photo talking about death panels that arguing with her would be like arguing with a dining room table.  Guess which planet Barney Frank is visiting from?  That’s a guy I could have over for dinner.  He’s kind of sexy too.  He’s got that distinct way of speaking, and I’d love to hear him say, “Oh Satan, yes!  Yes!”

But what good would it do you if a species with superior intellect were to visit?  It would just make your collective inferiority complex even worse, which almost always results in bloodshed.  To be honest, there are no Earth brochures at the Universal Travel Agency.  No one wants to come there.  You’ve made it a shitty place to be.

You’ve got George Clinton.  That’s more than you deserve so be satisfied with that for now. Stare at the stars and get your funk on.

You’re welcome,

~Satan

Have a question?  Ask Satan!

Why the end of Slayer is so near?  I just fucking love this band, I don’t wanna die without go to any concert.  Shit.  I want to see those guys.  They’re my religion..  Tom Araya is my fucking God.  I can’t live without it.

Why i’ts gonna be over?

~ Heavy Mettle

Greetings Heavy Mettle,

Well, right away there are some easy answers to some of this.  If you don’t “wanna die without go to any concert”, I say, sell some plasma, save up and “go any concert”.  Also – Tom Araya is a good a God as any.  Live it up.  Worship at will.  Can’t live without?  Well then, do the opposite.  Judging from your brief question, that is really the best advice I have for you.

Nice Penmanship

One thing I would like to address is the fact that you all seem to think that I’m somehow responsible for bands like Slayer.   Come on.  Give me some credit.  I’m much more subtle then that.  I was responsible for the Carpenters and REO Speedwagon and many others.  Bands like Slayer don’t have much to do with me, other than that they’ve stolen many of my visual marketing materials such as the pentagram, skulls, rotting corpses, etcetera.  As an aside, I’ll tell you that Hilter is none to happy about Slayers use of his eagle logo.  He seems to be working on a lawsuit of some sort.

Also – I hope that you all would have the sense to know that I would never have a formal relationship with any band with such a horrible sense of font.  Please.

Unlike God, I have no problem with my name being used in vain.  Too the long lineage of “Satanic” bands, from Venom, to Saxon, to Judas Priest, Iron Maiden and even Slayer – I say, bravo.  Good for you.  Keep it up.  The world needs noise totally devoid of melodic sense or intelligent lyrics.

But that certainly doesn’t mean I have them in my iPod.

Why do birds, suddenly appear…”

You’re Welcome,

~Satan