“Man, she’s a cute little thing!” exclaimed Bowser as he kicked his shoes off and settled onto the sofa with a can of Budweiser and bag of pretzels. “She’s like one of them little blow-up dolls you find in sex shops, you know? Only I ain’t never been in one, I just, uh.. seen ‘em on TV and stuff. Anyways.. what’s her real name? Hayden? What kind of chick name is that? Whatever man.. she’s just like one of them things come to life, you know?”

Bowser took a long drink from the can of beer before wiping his mouth on his sleeve and continuing.

“It’s like that story about the little puppet, Pinnochio, where he wants to be a real boy. I remember mama readin’ that to me when I was little. Well sir, if I was to make a movie about one of them dolls gettin’ tired of them pervs droolin’ all over her and all she wants is to be a real girl, I’d have Claire.. I mean this Hayden chick.. be the actress in it who plays the real girl after the fairy godmother grants her the wish and stuff.”

Chuck Bowser, 32, swears to the resemblance between actress
Hayden Panettiere (green top on left) and the average blow-up
sex doll, shown on the right.

When asked what else he enjoyed about the television series, Bowser was hard-pressed to come up with an answer.

“I dunno, it’s all kind of hard to follow with this time travel shit and everyone’s back and forth and trying to do this, get that, go there and get this person before they do something and it’s just too much to keep up with, so I kind of zone out until Claire comes on.”

Surprisingly, Bowser did express affinity for another character in the show.

“That dude who’s the new Spock.. man, he kicks ass! I didn’t even know he was gonna be the new Spock until Jake and Ted and me all went to Bedford to see the new Star Trek movie and DAYUM, there he was and we were laughing to beat shit, man! He’s a mean bastard in Heroes but he KICKS ASS as mister Spock. And dude,when he made out with that black chick we were all, YEAH BROTHER, HAHA!”

Bowser dipped into the pretzel bag and washed down a brief snack with a few more swallows of Budweiser before expounding on the quality production techniques that set Heroes apart from similar prime-time television shows.

“But yeah, the special effects shit in Heroes is pretty cool when someone runs real fast or when they go back and forth in time and all that.”

Bowser then proceeded to explain his interest in Panettiere with greater detail, but we grew restless and left.

Douglas, an actress, is believed to be suffering from a broken nose, as is Sutherland’s newest acquaintance, fashion designer Jack McCollogh.

“It was so wonderfully unexpected,” stated Douglas, sounding kind of nasally and muffled through the horrendous white bandages affixed to her damaged proboscis. “This is a side of Kiefer that I’ve seen many times, but never experienced personally. It’s like I’m Jack’s mom too, and a terrorist at the same time.. it’s all rather exhilarating!”

Douglas was referring to the iconic character of Jack Bauer, the role that Sutherland has played in the television series “24″ for seven seasons, wherein he has mangled, flipped, skewered, shot and headbutted many a bad guy, most of them terrorists.

Sutherland stated that he’d gone easy on his mom because “after all, she is my mother,” whereas McCullogh had received “a manly headbutt.”

“I just wish he’d quit whining about it.” added Sutherland. “I was just saying hi, for God’s sake.”

Milano is known for her fanatic interest in sports, particularly baseball. She even penned a book about the subject; “Safe At Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic” which chronicles her avid desire to live, eat, breath and dream all things baseball, with the exception of Ramirez for the next 50 games.

Major League Baseball plans to announce the suspension later this afternoon. The issue of Milano’s participation in Ramirez’s dreams, which has been known to be frequent, will also be addressed.

Ramirez will be able to return to the Dodgers — who currently have the best record in baseball — on July 3. He will lose about $7.65 million of his $25 million salary and quite a few nights of restful sleep.

Ramirez explained to baseball officials he was uncertain he was taking a banned substance and may have had a medical reason for using the substance. After consultation with the Major League Baseball Players Association and his representatives, Ramirez has decided not to challenge the suspension.

“There’s always Angelina Jolie,” Ramirez said with a nonchalant shrug. “She’s way hotter anyway.”

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He’s been spotted in numerous snippets of films and television shows whenever there are coverage shots of Hollywood Boulevard and he’s even the subject of a documentary - “Confessions Of A Superhero” - in which he shares the limelight with three other modern-day gladiators; The Incredible Hulk, Wonder Woman and Batman.

But it has come to light that this Superman - and not just some, but ALL of his cohorts - are fakes.

“Man, I’ve been watching this guy for a long time,” stated Jose Munoz, who works in a souvenir shop not far from Grauman’s. “I never once seen him fly or do anything in super speed, or any of that stuff. All he does is get his picture taken with tourists.”

A coworker of Munoz, Alvin Sankle, chimed in. “One time I was mugged right across the street while on my way into work. These gang bangers came up and knocked me down, took my wallet and ran.. Superman saw the whole thing, then whipped out a cell phone and called 911. What the fuck was THAT all about?”

With suspicions mounting and the palpable tension growing by leaps and bounds, the local populace was relieved when it was finally revealed early Monday morning that the Hollywood Boulevard Superman is not Kal-El, the man sent to earth as an infant to escape the dying planet Krypton, but a mere mortal named Christopher Dennis; a Christopher Reeve look-a-like who poses for pictures on the boulevard in exchange for tips.

“It’s a travesty, a damned travesty, I tell you!” Grover Rambacher, who owns a liquor store down the street, was incensed. “Why would he stand out there in that outfit and not help people? I never even seen him give directions!”

Sarah Gliddon, a clerk at the nearby Hollywood & Highland center, had a different take on the news. “I’m really glad he’s just some regular guy,” she stated, between puffs on a Virginia Slim during a smoke break. “He looks me over pretty good whenever I walk to or from the bus stop, and I always had to make sure I wore my best undies even if I wasn’t goin’ out clubbing after work. Now I know I don’t need to worry about it no more.”

Although there seems to be a wide range of emotions when it comes to the fact that Superman is actually a skinny dude in his early forties who lives in a small apartment nearby, the local population seems to be relieved at the news that “The Incredible Hulk” is merely a slightly built black guy name Joe, who lived on the streets for several years before investing in a loathsome foam rubber costume.

“So that’s why he never came in and smashed up my liquor store,” sighed Rambacher. “Good thing too, else I’d have shot the bastard.”

The large blue and white aircraft, at first reported by The New York Times as a 747 but later said to be one of two Presidential VC-25s commonly used as “Air Force One,” first appeared over Manhattan at around 10:00 am on Monday morning, seemingly being chased by two Air Force F-16 fighter jets that later turned out to contain Paparazzi.

“It scared the hell out of us,” wheezed Frank Lampert, an insurance agent with a Manhattan firm. “We all scrambled down the stairs, tripping and falling over each other.”

Reportedly, Lohan had felt that news coverage of her antics had grown stagnant as of late, so the actress/singer decided to up the ante by taking flying lessons and then sneaking into the VC-25 hangar late sunday night. She slept undetected in the cockpit of the massive aircraft, and then fired up the engines early monday morning before taxiing out to the runway for takeoff.  Paparazzi had caught wind of the attempt because a mysterious female caller who sounded strangely similar to Lohan had left tips on their voicemail, and a couple of them who had been in the Air Force “borrowed” two F-16s in an effort to get “the photo of the century.”

Lohan buzzed the Manhattan area, including several passes by the statue of liberty, with the high-flying paparazzi in close pursuit before bringing the aircraft to a perfect stop after landing at nearby Andrews Air Force Base. The aircraft was immediately surrounded by seven platoons of heavily armed Marines.

“I’m not surprised she’d do something like this” stated Samantha Ronson, ex-girlfriend of Lohan. “She can get pretty elaborate when she’s seeking attention, all the way to hiring a double to prance around on the beach in Hawaii while she does all of this in New York. I knew she was taking flying lessons, but I thought it was so she could buy her own jet.”

Actress/singer Lindsay Lohan brings
the VC-25 in for a perfect landing

Ronson breathed a visible sigh of relief when told that Lohan would probably not be in a position to seek attention for many years to come. “I’ll visit her, I really will.” she sighed. “Even when we’re both old ladies, I’ll still come out to Leavenworth a couple of times a year to bring her cupcakes.”

“We send them in by the truck load.” said Stephan Mooney, a representative for “Punctuate THIS!” the world’s largest supplier of punctuation marks. “He not only uses them extensively in every post, he posts more than any celebrity blogger out there. He’s our best customer!”

Mooney pointed out that other blogs like Boing!Boing! and Gizmodo also post frequently and use multiple authors, but their punctuation demands are within normal parameters.

“If Hilton keeps this up with the exclamation points, his demand will eventually surpass the supply.” Mooney said. “We can only make them so fast, and we might have to start rationing supplies to other customers to make sure that Hilton has enough. If that happens, blogs across the blogosphere just won’t be as exciting anymore.”

An excerpt from a typical post at PerezHilton.com reads as follows..

John Mayer moves on quickly!

Looks like the singer is completely over his ex, Jennifer Anniston. How do we know that? Turns out he’s already dating someone new!

According to reports, Mayer is hooking up with some 24-year-old model and “aspiring actress” named Scheana Marie Jancan.

And, the surprising part is…. she’s pretty hot!

We think Hilton’s posts are pretty hot! But maybe he should start asking more questions? Oh, and maybe, well.. you know, break up sentences a little more, so that commas get some exposure too!

As a throng of reporters crowded onto the front walk of her humble cottage in Blackburn, Scotland, Boyle stood on the front step and stated that she loves nothing better than to “nip around the skies of my neighborhood on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.” When asked what she meant by “nip around the skies,” Boyle answered by sprouting wings and launching herself off the porch and over the heads of the crowd.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stammered Jason Graham of the BBC. “These two gargantuan wings just sprouted from her back and she zoomed up into the sky, doing loops and singing that ” I Dreamed A Dream” song at the top of her voice. It was all quite lovely.”

Ms. Boyle then alighted back onto the porch in front of the hushed crowed, only to spot a child with cerebral palsy struggling along to get to an awaiting school bus. “Oh dear,” she said, as she parted the crowd and made her way to the small, limping boy. “That will be all of that, now.” She then placed her hand on his head and onlookers witnessed a soft, golden glow that enveloped the child for a few seconds before he leapt away and bounded aboard the bus, laughing and singing.

Murmurs arose from the crowd, but they were instantly hushed as Boyle shouted, “What was that? Who accused me of trickery?” A small man stepped forward from across the street. “It was I, Mum, sorry!” He shouted, cupping his hands together around his mouth to be heard. “I didn’t mean it that way, I was just whispering into my wife’s ear that if I didn’t see it all right in front of me, I’d be prone to think it trickery.”

“That’s all well and good then,” snickered Boyle. “But let’s not have any more whispering into each other’s ears within two or three kilometers of me, the din gets rather distracting.”

She then complimented the choice of boxers over briefs to an astonished Garrett Middleton of The London Daily Mirror while simultaneously zapping some Beatles off her prized flowers lining the front walk by using lightning bolts that shot out of her fingers.

As impressive a display it may have been, all seem to agree that her greatest demonstration of super-human ability seems to remain that of deflating that asshole Simon Cowell in thirty seconds flat.

This was prompted by a caller to the show who asked about Cyrus’ remark that she would “ruin Radiohead’s career” after being denied entrance to see the band backstage after a concert.

“She’s gonna ruin Radiohead’s career?” asked Foxx. “The same Radiohead that gets paid a million dollars just to sample their songs?” He then launched into the tirade against the teen.

Meanwhile, the formerly frozen body of Walt Disney was seen headed to Foxx’s location, its arms outstretched in a zombie-like state as it plodded along, muttering something about revenge.

Literally moments after the jury read the verdict out-loud, four African men armed with AK-47s burst into the courtroom and jumped into Spector’s hair before any bailiffs could stop them.

“It was all so fast,” stated witness Perry Bouchan who was attending the trial out of curiosity. “It had all gotten pretty boring, what with being a retrial and all, plus we knew he was going to be found guilty so that was really no surprise.. but this, well.. THIS was a surprise.”

Snipers have taken up positions around the courtroom but so far none of the four pirates have been seen, having taken cover in the thick, tangled mess that is Spector’s hair. Their demands are, as of yet, unclear.

“I think they want us to steer Phil to Somalia, where they say they’ll release him after we pay a million dollars or something,” said LAPD Captain Richard Bennett. “But I don’t think they get it.. prison or Somalia, we’re kind of glad to be rid of him one way or the other.”

“If I’d know that’s all it takes, I’d of started smoking years ago.” said Frank Williams, a 47-year-old social worker from Saint Paul, Minnesota. “I’ll definitely risk cancer, heart disease and emphysema if there’s the slightest chance I’ll never hear “OOPS.. I Did It Again” again!”

Spears reportedly stopped the show Wednesday night at the 15 minute mark, which amounted to three songs having been performed. She left the stage and her departure was followed by an announcement asking fans to extinguish all smoking materials.

Once the word had gotten out, people everywhere were unstoppable. Everything from tobacco shops to 7-11 stores had to be shut down when looting of their tobacco products got underway. Throngs of anxious new smokers have filled the streets of the cities of the world, waving Bic lighters in the air, but ironically not as a call for an encore.

“We need to all light up at once!” shouted an unknown organizer through a megaphone to a crowd gathered in downtown Topeka, Kansas. “We’ve got organizers synchronized through the internet and ready to go all over the world.. we’re all lighting up in exactly fifteen minutes folks, so get ready!”

Sarah MacGriffin, a housewife in Glasgow, Scotland would not normally be one to let her 12-year-old daughter, Lindsay, smoke. But drastic situations call for drastic actions.

“I’m really into the Jonas Brothers..*cough*..” said Lindsay, between puffs. “Britney’s so old and washed up now, I mean she should just be a mum and go shopping, get fat and yell at her kids.. *cough*.. you know?”

In a similar development, there has been a run on the world’s make-up supplies in an effort to leave Lady GaGa with nothing to wear.