The lobby was at the Playwright’s Center. The show was Michele Campbell’s Pardon My French. The atmosphere was tense. The show had sold out the previous night, and it looked like this performance was going to follow suit. Being a genius, I reserved tickets online. No worries for me. But, oh, those dumb people in the rush line.

Sorry, passing judgment isn’t a balanced way to go about writing this. Let’s call them “hopeful” and “naive.” Is “naive” judgmental?

Anyway, these stupid…

Anyway, three folks were sitting on a bench, hoping to get tickets if there were any leftover. They were there at least 30 minutes before the show started. Not to spoil the ending, but those were 30 wasted minutes.

Enter loud lady. Or pushy lady. Loud and pushy lady. And probably her husband. Or good friend. Her buddy? With 20 minutes before the show starts, she heads to the back of the rush line. She it not loud or pushy yet, but she will transform like a horrible caterpillar. Except caterpillars are kind of cute, and produce non-horrible things.

10 minutes until show time, and the lobby gets mobbed by people wanting tickets. A line forms out the door. Loud Pushy finds her way to the ticket counter, and says she wants to buy the last two available tickets if it comes to that. Somebody doesn’t understand how the rush line works. It was also a nice big “eff you” to the bench people, who had been sitting with quiet hope in their eyes the entire time.

5 minutes until the show starts, they announce they only have 9 tickets left. They count the people in the actual ticket line to see where the cutoff will be. This makes Loud Pushy even louder, and more pushy. She fights her way up to the ticket counter and reminds them that she said she’d was willing to buy tickets.

That didn’t sway the box office staff one bit. Then she brings out this gem. “Doesn’t being in the rush line give us some sort of priority?” Oh Loud Pushy. That the exact opposite of what the rush line gives you. You are begging for scraps. You’re looking for tickets on the cheap. And not getting in is the risk you run when waiting on rush. You don’t get a special spot in line. You are at the constant end of a growing line.

At this point, the house opened up and everyone swarmed for the door to get seats. I assume she continued being loud and pushy even as she left my sight. In fact, she’s probably being loud and pushy right now.

I know that she won’t be reading this, so this isn’t a lesson I’m trying to pass through her thick skull. It’s simply an absurd story in the world of Fringe craziness.

Oh, also a cell phone went off for 30 seconds during the most intimate part of the show. Jackass.

WHAT: The Mustache Rangers at Improv a Go-Go
EXPLAIN: Four rotating improv groups perform on stage
WHEN: September 27th and October 4th at 8pm
WHERE: Brave New Workshop, 2605 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis
PRICE: $1.00

WHAT: Killer B’s Improv Movie at Improv a Go-Go
EXPLAIN: Four rotating improv groups perform on stage
WHEN: September 27th, October 4th and 11th at 8pm
WHERE: Brave New Workshop, 2605 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis
PRICE: $1.00

WHAT: Creature Feature and Survivors of the Undead Plague
EXPLAIN: Creature Feature is a monster movie created on stage based on audience suggestions, while Survivors of the Undead Plague perform their zombie movie satire on stage based on audience suggestions.
WHEN: October 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd and 30th at 10:30pm
WHERE: Brave New Workshop, 2605 Hennepin Ave, Minneapolis
PRICE: $10.00

WHAT: Survivors of the Undead Plague at Sample Night Live!
EXPLAIN: 12 shows. One night. 20 bucks.
WHEN: October 7th at 7pm
WHERE: History Theater, 30 E 10th St, St. Paul
PRICE: $20.00

At this point, I hang up on the salesman from Northwestern Mutual. Obviously, X would never have dropped my name because they barely know my name. This sales tool was lying. So the investigation began.

I checked my phone log and found the number for the Northwestern Mutual salesman. With a simple internet search of his phone number, I found his Northwestern Mutual profile page. Marcus. Hello, Marcus. Let’s figure out how you found my work number and developed your lie.

It was a pretty simple connection, actually. Marcus was connected with X on LinkedIn, the social site for finding job connections. Marcus had been going through and grabbing the names of people who were connected to X from LinkedIn, the names of the companies they worked for, looking up the main phone number for their offices, and making up a false back stories about being referred to call them by X.

Number one, I’m pretty sure this is a misuse of LinkedIn’s user agreement. Number two, those are some pretty shady sales tactics. Marcus used social media in the worst and most destructive manner possible. He exposed himself as ignorant and tarnished the name of Northwestern Mutual at the same time. He burned the social media bridges he was using, instead of making smart use of them and growing actual connections.

A happy customer tells one person, an unhappy customer tells everyone. And I’m not even a customer! If I was ever in a position to use any sort of financial service, I certainly wouldn’t go with or recommend Northwestern Mutual. Also, I think I’ll blog about this.

You see, if a Dairy Queen franchise does offer the Crunch Cone, it usually can’t be found on the menu. You need to special order it, like you’re a celebrity. And the majority of Dairy Queens don’t even carry Crunch Coat any longer.

So, my mission is clear. To find the Dairy Queens across the Twin Cities metro area that carry the Crunch Cone. Calling and asking if they have the Crunch Cone is cheating. I will go there, ask, purchase, and take a picture with this magnificent and little known dessert.

If you have found a Dairy Queen that carries the Crunch Cone, feel free to take your own picture and add it to the Flickr group. I’ll spread the word.

Let’s get to work, people. Summer is winding down!

[Photo by Ben Spark]