First 30 Days Blog

Change—the New and the Old

2009-11-08T18:50:00Z

All change involves a delicate combination of the new and the old. Change asks us to allow, accept, embrace and welcome the new. And change asks us to let go, grieve, release and find peace with what has changed. In that light I asked myself what specifically should we focus on and embrace and what can we support ourselves in letting go of.

5 things to focus on:

1. Get back in your body and out of your head. All the struggle and uncertainty we are living with right now, puts us in our heads, in anxiety for many hours of the day. We mistreat our bodies, feed them poorly, don’t give them a way to process emotions. We feel disconnected. We are split. We don’t feel anymore because we don’t feel ourselves first. We need to find anything, dancing, walking, jumping, bodywork, baths, breathwork, that us connect with our bodies again. So ask yourself some questions: Am I breathing deeply? Am I tight/sore? Ask your body how it’s feeling.

2. Allow yourself to be human, feel every emotion fully, including the ones you’ll do anything to avoid. We are all very attached to being perfect, in control. So we don’t get really sad. We don’t feel terror. We don’t express hurt or anger or disappointment or shame. However, the reality is that the emotion we most resist is ruling our lives. What is it for you? Once you realize the grip it has on you, it will start to release. If you are sad, feel totally sad. If you are filled with emptiness, feel that fully. It’s only on the other side of those feelings that you will find relief. It’s never in pretending they don’t exist or you have dealt with them.

3. Focus on you being happy. We should do what we want, really want. This the biggest gift we can give anyone, including our kids, spouse and friends. How easy it is for us to focus on anyone but ourselves? We do more for others guaranteed. It’s actually for a few reasons. We have forgotten what we even want, what would make us happy, and it’s actually much easier to help someone else rather than to start making changes in our own lives. We think we are selfish or will feel guilty if we do things we want. Everyone suffers when we are not happy. So start with remembering the little things that make you happier. Pick three and do them daily.

4. The world needs gentleness. We must start with ourselves. We should do everything with gentleness. In these times of change, we are all craving gentleness. From the guy on the bus, to the woman behind the counter, to our colleagues. Where do we find gentleness? Is there a new website, gentleness.com, where we can get our daily dose? Not necessarily. Start with yourself. You want to change your life, start with your inner dialogue, what you say when you look at yourself in the mirror. Next, treat every communication gently—every email, every phone call. It only takes a few more seconds to write or say something gentle. Create a safe space to land for yourself and then for others when they have any interaction with you.

5. Be completely OK with making mistakes and not being right. Ah, the high standards we have established, in every area of our lives. We have been so hurt by the incredibly high demands we set on ourselves. When we fail, when we try something and it doesn’t work the first time, it’s an attack on our identity. You’re the woman who gets everything done or the man who is only needed to provide. This attitude is what makes us not try something, not reach for a dream, not write that book, not try that class, not leave the bad relationship or destructive job. It’s OK to make mistakes, with honor. If you aren’t making mistakes, you are more concerned with looking good, fitting in, pretending, than you are with learning, living and growing.

Become an example for others. At all times, every choice you make shows you deciding whether to be an inspiration or a warning for someone else. Instead be a reference point. You matter for many more people than you think. To do this, become free of your own “stuff.” Start with the list below. You’ll see there the biggest things that get in the way and create your suffering.

5 things to let go of:

1. Let go of the feeling that you are “missing out.” We all feel that we are missing something in our lives. That if we make one decision, it may hurt our chance at something else. That we may have already taken the wrong path. We are missing out time with our folks, time with our kids, time in the gym and time doing nothing. Let go of this consistent nagging doubt that you should be spending your time doing something else, just in case that other thing is better or brings you a different outcome. Be present for yourself now. You are exactly where you are meant to be. Nothing is missing that won’t eventually come into your life. As one spiritual teacher said, you could sit on the side of the road for five years and your destiny will still find you. You aren’t missing out on anything.

2. Let go of the feeling that you are “behind, late with something that hasn’t happened yet.” We need to forget all those ETAs for the lover, the baby, the home or the perfect job. This feeling rules our life. Somehow, we, our parents, society snuck in and put these giant deadlines in our calendar without our permission! But, things never happen on the timeline we expect. Some things will come early, some things will be late according to our timetables. The energy we put into trying to speed things up is exhausting. Let it go. Focus on what has happened and see yourself with exactly what you want.

3. Let go of the feeling that “your life isn’t working.” It’s easy at this current time to start stacking all our problems and come to the giant conclusion that our lives aren’t working. We pick at ourselves at different parts of our lives. Maybe it’s our health or relationships and that becomes our black hole. Not only does it suck us in, it sucks in all the parts of our lives that are working. Soon enough we’re wondering why we’re impossibly miserable. But, really, our lives are exactly where we want them to be. Otherwise we would change them. If you want to change yours, then do so to have it work even better, not because your life is all wrong. And I promise you, there are times life will do the changing for you. We all get our fair share of the changes life throws at us. They are all for the better eventually.

4. Let go of the feeling that you aren’t “good enough.” Here is that impossibly high standard again that we set for ourselves. When we are most vulnerable is when we are our most attractive. No one wants a perfect partner or friend. Really. No one wants to work with someone who always gets it all right and all done. Give yourself permission to be human, show that to others and you then give permission to everyone around you to be that as well. Your kids need to see your humanity. Your spouse is craving to see your weaknesses, your vulnerability, so s/he can hold you with gentleness. Let others experience the human side of you, not the resume or the totally in-control person.

5. Let go of the feeling that someone else has more than you do. Power, money, love, happiness. Everyone has something we don’t think we have. So, remember this: Compare and despair. Comparison achieves absolutely nothing. What is that one thing you are always triggered by that someone else has? Put a name on it. What does it represent for you? Remember you are whole and complete without this. I promise you, you have things that others would do anything to have. And remember this, your worst day, your worst year is someone else’s biggest dream.

All of these feelings/triggers act like massive brakes in our lives. The only way to lift the brake is to release these feelings. Bring them out of your “blind spot” and become aware of them when one of these has you under its grip. Notice it, become the witness of what is ruling your life. Suffering is so much more familiar to most of us that the consistent feeling of being happy. The second your mind tries to pull you “back down in the basement,” just become aware of that and gently push the elevator button back up.

Take a moment to print out this list. Or to email it to someone. Or maybe re-read it and ask yourself which is the biggest one for you at this time.

The Power of a Sincere Apology

2009-11-06T11:53:44Z

Apologies happen—sometimes multiple times a day. We apologize when we unintentionally say something hurtful, when we make a mistake at work, or when we bump into somebody on the street. And then there are the bigger apologies—those we should have addressed months or years ago. Maybe we said something to alienate someone, perhaps we judged too quickly or did something we regret. Saying “I’m sorry” remains one of the hardest things to do. We justify our actions, we present half-apologies, we blame the one we’ve hurt, or we expect something in return. Yet a true apology can clear the air and potentially heal a relationship.

Align Head and Heart
It’s easy to say “I’m sorry,” but meaning it is another story. A true apology occurs when the heart and head are in alignment, when you intellectually and emotionally accept the responsibility for causing another person pain, even if you’ve done it unintentionally. Becoming accountable for your actions is the foundation of an honest apology.

Write Before Speaking
If you are struggling to find the right words, write your apology down first. Writing gives you the space and time to see how you really feel—for instance, you’ll discover whether you are truly sorry or whether you harbor any lingering hostility toward the person. It’s important to deal with these feelings before approaching the one you’ve hurt, or you may reopen the conflict.

Don’t Expect Anything in Return
A true apology is a selfless act. An apology is insincere when it is about wanting—forgiveness, attention—and not about giving. If you hurt a loved one with words or actions, take a moment to accept your role in what has happened and to imagine how you would feel if the same was done to you. At that point you can begin to make an apology that requires nothing from the one who is receiving it. Keep it simple. “I understand that I really hurt you and I want you to know that I am truly sorry.”

To read the entire post, click here.

Love Your Body, Love Your Life

2009-11-05T20:08:14Z

How do you feel about your body? More specifically, how do you feel about your physical appearance?

For many of us, especially me, these are not easy or fun questions to answer. Most people I know have issues, concerns, or complaints about their body and about how they look. I often struggle, and have for much of my life, with a negative view and feeling about my own body – thinking it isn’t fit enough, obsessing about certain features and aspects of my appearance that I don’t like, and simply feeling flawed in various ways physically.

While this has ebbed and flowed for me throughout my life – based on certain stages, various injuries, and other factors and obsessions – for the most part, feeling bad about my body and appearance is something I’ve dealt with for a long time. I continue to struggle with body image issues, even though I pretend I’m “too evolved” to be concerned with such “superficial” insecurities and erroneously think that with all of the personal growth work I’ve done I should be past this by now.

There’s nothing wrong with us wanting to look our best, take care of ourselves, be fit, and more. However, when I tell the truth about it, so much of my own desire to be “healthy” and to take care of myself physically, has more to do with me not wanting to not get fat, look bad, or be viewed (by myself and others) as unhealthy, ugly, diminished, or flawed.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with “body beautiful.” Billions of dollars are spent each year by advertisers telling us we don’t look good enough and need improvement. In return, we spend billions of our own dollars collectively on various products which are supposed to reverse our aging process, re-grow our hair, smooth out our wrinkles, whiten our teeth, help us lose weight, make us look and feel better, and much more. I’ve spent my own money on these types of products, usually with a sense of embarrassment for doing so, as well as disappointment with the ultimate result (or lack thereof).

While all of this is not that easy for me to admit, especially given the work that I do, I know that I’m not alone and that this is a big issue for many of us. This isn’t something that only affects teens, celebrities, or women – it’s something that people of all ages, races, genders, backgrounds, professions, and more struggle with. Many of us, including us men, often don’t admit our body image issues, fearing the judgment of others as well as our own personal shame.

I’ve recently decided to address my own appearance issues directly. I feel ready to both deal with this honestly and heal it genuinely, although I find myself feeling scared, embarrassed, and vulnerable about it at the same time.

In this process, I’ve come across a powerful new book called Love Your Body, Love Your Life, by an amazing woman named Sarah Maria. This book has had a profound impact on my own life already (and I just picked it up two weeks ago). Sarah Maria, a prominent body image expert and spiritual teacher, teaches us that we are not alone in our “Negative Body Obsession” (NBO). So many of us, especially in our culture, struggle with varying degrees of NBO which negatively impacts our lives, our work, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves in a significant way.

In reading this book and practicing some of the techniques, however, I’m really starting to see and understand (in a real, not simply theoretical, way) that how we feel about our bodies has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves and our lives. And, at the same time, NBO is not as much about how we feel about our bodies; it’s about how we feel about ourselves.

What if we could truly love, accept, and appreciate our bodies and how we look, right now? Imagine what life would be like without NBO? Sarah Maria calls it “befriending” our body. So often, we treat our body like an “enemy” we’re trying to beat, conquer, or at least keep at bay.

The key to all of this is not about losing more weight, finding the right workout program, getting the best products, or buying better clothes. It’s really about us making peace with our bodies, and on a deeper level making peace with ourselves. Loving our body can give us access to loving ourselves more deeply. And, paradoxically, how we can really begin to love our body and let go of NBO in a genuine way, is to practice loving ourselves authentically.

While there is no “quick fix” to all of this (as is the case for most important things in life), there are some things we can think about and practice as we enhance our capacity to love our bodies, ourselves, and our lives more genuinely.

1) Forgive – It’s essential for us to forgive ourselves and to also forgive our body. In many cases we have done, said, and thought really negative and damaging things to and about our body over the years. With a sense of healthy remorse and a deep sense of empathy, we can begin to forgive ourselves for how we have treated our body in the past. At the same time, we can practice forgiving our body for not being “perfect.”

2) Accept – Making peace with our body and appearance is an important step in our process to love and heal ourselves in a genuine way. What if we could accept, appreciate, and love our body as it is right now – whether or not we’re at our ideal weight (which most of us aren’t) and even if we don’t love every feature of our body (which most of us don’t). Acceptance leads to peace, peace leads to healing, and healing leads to love. Accepting our body and our appearance are fundamental aspects of loving ourselves and our lives.

3) Get Real – How we truly feel about our body and appearance is something that many of us aren’t comfortable thinking about or talking about with others in an honest, real, and vulnerable way. However, for us to shift how we feel about our body, our appearance, and our life in a genuine way, we have to be willing to address this at a deeper level than food, exercise, cosmetics, etc. Body image issues cut to the core of how we feel about ourselves as human beings. Our issues with our body often reflect the deeper issues we have with ourselves. When we’re willing to get real about this, like with anything else in life, we have an expanded capacity to learn, grow, and heal. Getting real about how we truly feel about our body also reminds us that we’re not alone in this, that there’s a lot of support around us, and that there’s nothing “wrong” with us for feeling this way – it’s part of being human.

As you think about and talk about your honest relationship to your body and your appearance, be kind to yourself. Many of us have a lifetime filled with negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about ourselves physically. And, as we’re able to forgive ourselves, accept ourselves, and get real about this, we give ourselves access to transforming our relationship to our body and our life in a profound and positive way!

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

Thank and Appreciate Your Employees

2009-11-04T14:27:41Z

Thanking and celebrating employees are critical components of successful managing in an intellectual-age economy. Appreciation and celebration activate emotions. And, strong positive emotions have been proven to inspire loyalty.

Today’s workplace relies on employee thinking, commitment and engagement for success; employees who are celebrated and regularly thanked for their contributions, consistently contribute more, out-perform others and are more loyal. Besides being the right thing to do personally, it’s also great for business.

Consider these four ways to thank and celebrate your employees throughout the year:

1. Take the time to talk to, and get to know, your employees. The most significant way to thank and celebrate your employees is to get to know them. Take them to lunch or schedule time to ask about their values, hobbies, and interests. Understand your employees. Use what you now know about them to build a customized skills-improvement performance plan. Spend time with, and become interested in, each of your employees. The one-on-one attention you invest in is a significant way to celebrate all your employees’ talents and contributions.

2. Ask employees what they think. The best way to feel appreciated is to be included – to feel that your perspectives matter. In today’s intellectual age, we need input from all of our employees; managers alone do not have all the answers. Including employees in company issues, challenges, and opportunities empowers them, engages them, and connects them to something important.

3. Say thank you, and mean it. Most managers actually do thank employees who do great work. Employees work for more than money. They work for the praise and acknowledgement of their managers. A sincere thank you, said at the time of a specific event that warrants the applause, is one of the most effective ways to appreciate employees. Remember the phrase, “What gets rewarded, gets repeated.” Start to say “thank you” or “I appreciate what you do” when it is deserved and it will inspire the behaviors to continue. Make it personal and sincere. Catch employees doing great things and respond. It empowers them, appreciates them, and celebrates their performance.

4. Spend a nickel to get a dollar. Employees are impressed with a small “thank you” gift or prize, when the prize is customized and personal. A $10 Starbucks card, certificate for a movie rental, coupon for a sandwich, or ice-cream award can be great ways to customize a thank you. Employees are not affected by the size of the gift, but by its appropriateness. A manager, who understands his team will know the right, small, and meaningful incentive for each employee. The small thank you gift—$10. The impact on the employee—priceless.

Say “thank you,” and celebrate the people who matter to you—at work AND at home.

The Metaphor of the Plate

2009-11-02T12:59:36Z

I’ve been sharing this at many of the recent speaking engagements and workshops I’ve done so I wanted to do it with all with you.

As we go through our lives, we all tend to want to “fill up our plates” with jobs, family, health, money, some passions and hobbies, religion, friends, relationships, dreams and so on.

We compare our plate to other people’s plates. We strive to increase various portions of our plate by setting goals, making New Year’s resolutions. We try to lose weight, make more money, become more spiritual. It seems life is about adding to the all important “plate.” For nearly all of us, what’s on our plate determines who we are.

When life changes, something on our plate has changed. We may lose the “job” component of the plate. Maybe we’ve been dumped, so there’s no more intimate relationship on there. We may not have children yet, so we feel we’re missing the all-so-important “family” portion that the world tells us must be on our plate. We imagine that what’s on our plate protects us. In reality, it is what makes us even more vulnerable.

For some of us, many parts of the plate change at once. We get divorced, may lose a parent, or have a health issue.

So here’s the real question we need to ask. If the plate is what is holding everything we hold dear and important, what is the actual plate? How do we take better care of that?

Instead of us fixing, improving, holding on, clinging to and wanting everything that’s on our plate to be and look a certain way, how about focusing on what holds all of that together?

Our plate is our glue. It’s what and who we are, regardless of anything external. Our plate is our faith, our spirituality, the part of us that can simply say, I AM, with nothing more needed after those words. The part of us that can have everything taken away from us and we will not be defeated. It’s our eternal side, the side that is detached from the drama of anything that’s happening. We focus on “the plate” itself, not what’s on it, or what’s not. We strengthen that, support that. If we do, we will come to see that we are still whole and complete, even when nothing is on our plate—no relationship, no job and no money. Our plate is our essence. We—you, I—exist.

How do we strengthen our plates? By remembering that sometimes we need to take things off our plates, not add to them. By not getting stuck between the extremes of fear and desire, where we yo-yo between them. This is what creates instability on the plate.

We may ask the question “what am I not?” instead of expressing all the things that we are/have. By having some silent time where we can simply “witness” whatever may be going on. By strengthening our relationship with our Creator, whatever we may call that in our words and in whatever way suits us best—prayer, meditation, focusing simply on being loving, going to church and places of worship, retreats, fasting, reading, seeking knowledge, forgiving, finding the right teachers, giving back or simply being in nature.

Remember that at our core, we are all the same. We all get a plate. That gift is our birthright. Somehow we get misled into thinking life is about putting things on it, having more on the plate than others have on theirs. Instead, we should be happy simply to take care of our plates. It will give us perspective on everything that eventually gets on there and anything that may be taken away during times of change and transition. We may realize ourselves away from anything that’s on our plates.

Your Journey to Self and Finding True Love

2009-11-01T21:34:51Z

Too often in my practice I hear clients tell me that they are sick of finding themselves over and over in the same types of unfulfilling romantic relationships. These clients are seekers for something new. Regardless of age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or religious or spiritual background, these seekers share a remarkably similar story. It goes something like this: They meet someone they find to be powerfully irresistible, acknowledge an “electric” attraction and become seduced into a mirrored interaction of their last failed or unfulfilling romantic experience. Often the new persons who attract these seekers bear little or no physical resemblance to previous unsatisfying lovers. The inevitable question arises again: “Why then, am I right back where I started?”

To shed some light on this frustrating and often heartbreaking back-where-I-started experience, it will help to define two psychological concepts.

1) “The primal wound,” a term originated by Psychosynthesis practitioners John Firman and Ann Gila in their book, The Primal Wound (1997), refers to the experience of being treated as an object instead of a unique and wondrous human being. For example, cut off from the deeper origins and expression of our own unique experiences and consequently to our own authentic senses of self, we feel abandoned and become the object of others’ needs and wants. We are unable to access and express our own. Subsequently we learn to treat ourselves and others as objects as well. This state often leaves us feeling chronically disconnected from our own lovable-ness. It’s important to note that most primal wounding seems simply to be passed on unconsciously through the limited relationship a child develops with wounded caregivers, who are struggling with their own issues of trauma or pain.

2) The theory of Imago Relationship Therapy—and the term, “Imago”—made popular by Dr. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. in his book Getting the Love You Want (1988) and their workbook, refers to the representation of our early childhood caregivers highlighted by their most cherished—but also most disappointed (wounded)—attributes or characteristics. As we grow into adulthood, our Imago becomes the object of our most powerful romantic desires and influences our relationship choices. Our Imago expresses our unconscious attempt to heal our wounds from childhood and to become “whole.”

Many of us have a difficult time accepting the fact that we are searching for romantic partners who resemble our caretakers. Often we find difficulty accepting the notion that we are unconsciously looking specifically for partners who possess our early caregivers’ negative traits, and most notably, traits that forced our caregivers to feel like objects, which expresses their primal wounding. For example, a father whose workaholic tendencies stem from his own upbringing in poverty and the resulting anxieties he has of not being able to provide sufficiently for his family and may be perpetually absent from the home. He may therefore never be around to play with, connect with, or truly “see” his daughter. In order to become somewhat “visible” to her father, she too may become a workaholic or in fact assume any role or become any object that elicits even the smallest amount of attention he has to give. As she grows up, she in turn both draws into herself and is drawn to a partner who is unavailable in some fundamental capacity (emotionally, sexually, physically, and so on). She finds herself attracted to someone who is often unaware being or wanting to be emotionally available. So, a relationship with that partner typically becomes frustrating and painful. Ultimately, it becomes a repeat of the very (primal) wounding experience this daughter (unconsciously) set out to heal.

As we live our lives, though, the Imago helps us understand the ways we learned to receive love and attention as we grew up. As children we learned to assume roles that taught us how to navigate the challenges of feeling loved within our family. These roles may have limited us as we matured into our adult relationships. For example, those who assume the role of “superstar” believe it to be the only way to get a parent’s love and attention. This role carries with it specific perfectionistic needs and a subsequent rigidity that shuts off access to other parts of one’s authentic self, which is the exact vital ingredient necessary to finding and consciously creating true love.

Or perhaps we try to emulate the behaviors of our parents in how they navigate their own relationship together. Mothers, who put their own needs last behind those of every other family member, send a specific message about how to behave in order to receive love. As a child matures and imitates this type of mother, she feels the frustration of her unexpressed desire to put herself first. Instead she grows resentful or conflicted in her relations with others. But, there are tips you can use to understand how to break these patterns that drive you to frustration.

Tips for Breaking Relationship Patterns That Have Ceased to Serve You

*A signal of being-in-the-presence of your Imago is a sensation of an intense and instant charge, or deep sense of familiarity with someone you are just meeting for the first time. Such a reaction, while certainly compelling, should give you pause. Depending on the specific characteristics of your Imago, you may want to run as fast as possible away from this person or consciously choose to check out the person before opening your emotional floodgates to his/her appeal.

* If you’re aware of your patterns of finding yourself in unsatisfying or abusive relationships, you can pursue Imago therapy with therapists certified by Imago Relationships International. These therapists work either with couples or individuals and run couples workshops. With awareness you can alter the self-defeating, unconscious, conditioned relationship patterns you know were forged in your childhood and perhaps finally pursue authentic, romantic relationships.

*Know that when you break these patterns, you’ll ultimately find the love you seek because your journey will be honestly connected with your Self. You’ll understand what your true struggles and limiting beliefs are and your healing will begin. Your sense of self-acceptance and self-love will open you up to a relationship founded on honest principles when you invite your perfect image of true love to emerge and grow.

Ten Tips for Staying Up When the World Is Down

2009-10-29T20:21:18Z

“How can I be happy when the economy is tanking?”

It’s a question I hear a lot lately. It seems that as the financial picture becomes more depressed, so do we. That’s why now, more than ever, it’s important to be happy from the inside out, or what I call Happy for No Reason.

Doing the research for my book, Happy for No Reason, I interviewed scores of scientists, as well as one hundred unconditionally happy people, and discovered 21 core happiness habits that anyone can use to become happier and stay that way.

Here are 10 simple and effective tips to get you started:

1. Incline Your Mind Toward Joy. Have you noticed that your mind tends to register the negative events in your life more than the positive? Reverse this by consciously savoring the positive experiences you have as they happen: the sun on your skin, the taste of a favorite food, a smile or kind word from a co-worker or friend. Let the good feelings sink in!

2. Lighten Your Load. To make a habit of letting go of worries and negative thoughts, start by letting go on the physical level. Cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien recommends giving or throwing away 27 items a day for nine days. This deceptively simple practice will help you break attachments that no longer serve you.

3. Get Your “Happiness Rest.” One sure-fire way to boost your happiness level is to go to bed by 10 p.m. for three consecutive nights. You’ll find that the world is a different place when you’re rested and fresh.

4. Become an Inverse Paranoid. Choose to believe that this is a friendly universe—one that’s out to support you, rather than out to get you. When you find yourself facing a challenging situation, ask yourself, “if this were happening for a higher purpose, what would it be?”

5. Hang with the Happy. Study after study indicates that happiness is contagious! Spend as much time as possible with people who are supportive and upbeat to amplify those qualities in your own life.

6. Don’t Believe Everything You Think. Interrupt the downward spiral of worry and anxiety by questioning your negative thoughts. Just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

7. Seek Out Silence. Prayer, meditation, and being in Nature have long been recognized as ways to access a deep place of peace and strength inside.

8. Move Your Body. All the experts agree that some form of exercise is essential for maintaining optimal well-being. The next time you start to feel glum, get your blood moving faster—even if it’s just by standing up and moving around while you talk on the phone, or parking farther away from your destination and “going the distance.”

9. Ground Yourself in Gratitude. Research shows that thinking of the things that you’re grateful for in life definitely raises your happiness level. Writing them down is even more powerful. So start a Gratitude Journal today.

10. Wish Others Well. Try “beaming love” to people—your friends and family, as well as strangers you pass on the street. It fills your own heart in the process.

Join the ranks of the resilient by becoming Happy for No Reason. Though you may not be able to control the markets, these ten tips will help you make regular deposits into your own “happiness account.”

By Marci Shimoff. Based on The New York Times best-seller Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out, which offers a revolutionary approach to experiencing deep and lasting happiness. The woman’s face of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and a featured teacher in The Secret, Marci is an authority on success, happiness, and the law of attraction. To order Happy for No Reason, newly released in paperback, and receive free bonus gifts, go to www.happyfornoreason.com/mybook.

Go Deep

2009-11-04T17:30:04Z

For quite some time I’ve had a self-righteous judgment that most people in our culture are way too shallow. I find myself regularly annoyed at what I consider to be a lack of depth around me—in the media, in politics, in business, in my industry, and even in my family and many of my personal relationships. As is often the case with most of our self-righteous opinions, however, this judgment (as has become crystal clear to me recently) is really all about me and my own lack of depth, not about everyone else.

I’ve noticed that while I might “talk a good game” about going deep, I really have quite a bit of fear and resistance to it. Real depth often seems hard, scary, time consuming, challenging, messy, uncomfortable, embarrassing, intense, negative, painful, vulnerable, and more. It’s much easier for me to stay busy, keep things on the surface, and pretend to live my life with a real sense of depth, than it is for me to actually go deep myself.

I remember years ago when my counselor Chris said to me, “Mike, all of your power in life is trapped inside of your pain. In order to retrieve your power, you’re going to have to confront and heal your own pain. Everyone has pain. Most people simply aren’t willing to deal with it and don’t know how to heal it.”

While the wisdom and truth of Chris’ words resonated with me back then, and even more so today, I find myself often avoiding my pain, covering it up, and pretending that “it’s no big deal.” (I’m wondering if you can relate?)

However, think of the power, freedom, and liberation we experience when we actually do go deep, get real, and address our own pain. While it’s usually scary and difficult at first, we’re almost always glad that we did. And, as I’ve been learning more and more these days, if we truly want to live a life of authenticity and fulfillment, we can’t run and hide from our pain—we have to face it. As some deep pain in my own life (and from my past) has been showing up lately, instead of judging it as “bad” (which is what I usually do), I’m choosing to see it as an opportunity to go deeper, to heal, and to grow (even though it doesn’t feel so good).

When we think about the most important aspects of our lives, and the most significant people around us, having a real sense of depth and truth is what most of us want. Living our lives, having relationships, and doing our work in a way that has real meaning and value to us won’t happen on the surface, it takes place at a very deep level.

While many of us crave an expanded level of depth and authenticity in our lives, work, and relationships—it’s not always easy for us to create. Our culture doesn’t often encourage depth, we each have our own versions of fear and resistance to it, and in some cases we simply aren’t willing or interested in going there or doing what it takes to keep things real.

However, most of the people I know and work with, including myself, long for enhanced strength and an empowering environment that encourages them to go deep.

Here are a few things you can do to expand your capacity for depth:

1) Tell the Truth—Be honest about your own willingness, ability, or difficulty with going deep. It may be something you long for, but resist. You may avoid doing and saying things at a certain levels. You may not be all that interested in going any deeper right now in your life. You may be totally comfortable with depth and simply looking for ways to go even deeper. Or, you may be some combination of these things or others. Whatever the case may be for you at this point in your life and evolution, as with many things—by telling the truth to yourself and others about where you are, you can start from an authentic place and begin to deepen your experience (if that is what you choose to do).

2) Find People to Support You—Search out and attract people into you life who can help you deepen your journey. For many people, like me, going deep can be scary, vulnerable, and challenging. It often helps to have people around you who you trust and you know will hang in there with you. Whether it’s a coach, counselor, friend, mentor, family member, support group, spouse, or anyone else. We all need encouragement, feedback, witnessing, support, and even challenging and pushing to go deeper in our lives and with our growth. One of the biggest paradoxes of personal growth is that while it’s always about our own personal journey and evolution, so often we can’t do it as effectively or as deeply without the help of other people.

3) Surrender—Let go and trust! Being able to surrender is an essential aspect of life, growth, and depth. Surrendering is a big one for me and is something I continue to both struggle with and learn about each and every day. When we try to control everything (and everyone) in our lives, we limit our ability to grow and our capacity for depth and authenticity. Trust, which is fundamental to this process, is a real leap of faith that is important for us to take as we expand our ability to go deep and live our lives the way we truly want. When we surrender to the journey, mystery, and magic of life, we allow ourselves to learn, grow, and deepen in new and exciting ways that we didn’t even realize were possible.

Going deep is not always the easiest thing for us to do in life, but it’s what most of us truly want at some level. When we’re willing to tell the truth, get support, and surrender to life in an empowering way, we tap into a place of deep authenticity and in so doing can liberate ourselves from struggle, suffering, and avoidance.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). For more info, check out his web site.

So You Want to Start a Business? Here’s How

2009-10-26T02:07:43Z

I’m speaking at the Maria Shriver Women’s Conference in LA this week. Very exciting. I am honored to have been invited again.
For those who won’t be attending, I wanted to share what I am going to be speaking about. Here are top tips on how to start a business and create change.

1) You must do something you love.
It must be your passion, what you most want to do, the thing that tugs at your heart, no matter what.

This is the only necessity, your reason why you want to start a business. Your intention is what will guide your business. It cannot be about ego, significance, money or something else. It must originate in your heart, in the part of you that knows this is what you must do. Starting a business will reveal so much to you about yourself, life, other people and give you good days and really tough days. And yet the most important factor that will guide you, get you off the couch, put you back on the path is the underlying reason why you wanted to start this business.

2) Find a way to serve, contribute, help other people.
Nowadays, businesses that are sincerely helping others, that have that as one of their core reasons for being, are thriving. Find a way to take away some type of pain from people’s lives. You can do that with any type of business. If you are starting a business to make money, to be a success, to get freedom, know that the bigger driver not only of success but also fulfillment is always including others in your journey. Power moves through those who serve. You will never feel weak or overwhelmed or a failure if you know without a doubt, that you are making a difference with what you do and who you are.

3) Know how your business makes money.
We need to be clear on what the path is to revenue. It doesn’t mean the business is going to make money on Day One. But you do need to know who your customers are, how you are going to rise above the noise and how people will know you exist. If you need to distribute something, know who is the best at doing that, and so on. Also, allow yourself to be flexible. Your business can’t just rely on one source of money, or one big customer or one success factor. Many small businesses find other ways to make money as they get going. Yours can, too.

4) Negotiate everything.
We live in a time where everything is up for discussion. Barter, trade, exchange services, ask for discounts, do whatever it takes to get started or to maintain. It’s cheaper to start a business now than ever before. Everyone needs some business, so whether it’s a logo, legal advice, PR, web design, go with 50% of the quotes people are offering you. Do not fall into the trap of thinking it costs money to get going. Everything is going for cheap now. Make the most of it. And if you don’t have money, look at what you do have and what you can trade. For instance, if you need a web site done, perhaps you can offer for trade editorial or copy help if that’s your skill.

5) Know what to expect.
a) Time. Plan for your business adventure to take at least twice as long as you’d thought. Yes, we all think it’s going to be an easy ride. But it really will take longer than you planned
b) Teamwork. You really are not supposed to know most things. It’s OK and necessary to ask for help and to do so early on. Don;t try to go it alone. There’s no shame in asking any and every question along the way.
c) Mistakes. You are going to make them, tons of them. It’s part of your journey. Fellow entrepreneurs can tell you things, but starting a business is purely experience. You get your own ticket to the party and learn along the way what you need.
d) Friends/Family. Do not ask their permission and do not expect their approval. Very often, pursuing this kind of a change is disruptive for the people around you. They worry. They face their own fears. They don’t relate to you, your choices or your days anymore. Just know this upfront. Continue to love them, of course. Brand new people are coming into your life who are fellow business leaders, dreamers and agents of change.
e) Be a woodpecker. Pick your tree—your idea—and just get up everyday and peck away. Other people may laugh or disapprove. Your beak will hurt at the end of the day and you will never know when your tree will fall. But it does and it will. Stay clear and committed to that tree. It’s each little action, each little chip that makes your business grow. And I can tell you, the days when a tree falls are great days. And they will surprise you. Many times they happen when you want to give up, you’re tired, other people are telling you you’re crazy. And when one tree falls, pick the next one to focus on. Yes, one little bird can make a giant tree fall. One brave woman—and of course man—can change anything in the world. Anything!!

The Five Essential Messages: A Key to Extraordinary Love

2009-10-24T18:11:19Z

Everybody needs positive messages, and no living creature possessing a personality can escape this fact any more than a sentient being living in a human body can deny that body’s need for physical food. Equally important, negative messages are poison to the personality; they starve and deform it. It is therefore the business of all sentient creatures to avoid both internalizing negative messages themselves and offering a negative message as sustenance to any other person.

Each person must receive at least five key kinds of positive messages every day. In addition, the genders each have their own set of message requirements. They are vital to the creation of powerful intimacy and are just one of many vastly underestimated stumbling blocks relating to need on the path to great intimacy.

Despite the fact that everyone obviously and desperately needs these messages, our culture at present shows little consciousness of this basic fact of human life. And most people deliver only a fraction of the number of messages truly called for. We would do well to be sending positive messages to everyone around us, and especially to our mates, whenever such messages are true.

The necessary five messages follow here. They tend to build on one another in a hierarchical way—for example, most people need to feel seen before they can really hear an apology. That said, each message is a stand-alone, and all are equally important.

I see you. Tell your lover, and everyone else in your life, that you see them fully and completely. Then tell them exactly what you really do see. Let them know that you really are seeing them by paying careful attention and delving into detail beyond what they might expect. Tell them your impression of their hopes and fears, their special talents, and, when appropriate, their deeper feelings.

I regret your pain and suffering. Next, express regret. Tell your lover, and anyone else you care about, that you regret their misfortunes and sufferings. Feel free to apologize for the pain life itself may have caused them, if it seems appropriate. You can apologize for anyone, for anything, without taking the guilt or blame on yourself, and your apology will have value. Think of apology as the expression of regret rather than acceptance of blame. Remember that only about one out of every thousand needed apologies is ever conveyed in our world.

You are loved and a part of the pack. The third message to give freely to everyone is the message of unconditional love. I always think of this message in concrete terms. I want people to know that if I was the helmsman of a crowded lifeboat in frothy green stormy seas, and if they were to fall over board, I would go back for them. This third message is, therefore, a lifeboat message for me, rather than a syrupy declaration of emotion. The message you give your lover is an ultimate version of this message; it is both beyond gender and highly sexualized, and the pack is the couple itself. When expressed to the rest of the world, the message is free of gender context, and the pack is the fellowship of human beings everywhere.

I appreciate your contributions and achievements. People need to hear that they are appreciated for their contributions, achievements, and victories. Here too, people rarely receive the messages that they have earned. Moreover, most of the incredible feats achieved by human beings are internal. People suffer in silence, they struggle internally, they face demons and dig deep inside for hidden resources, and it is almost all hidden from view. Great things happen inside the human heart. Look there and don’t hold back when you perceive something wonderful or amazing in your fellow creatures.

You are safe with me and from me. Finally, people need to hear that they are safe, really safe. Watch over them, and tell them that you are doing so. Incredibly, many people I meet have never been effectively told that safety exists. Most people believe only in degrees of jeopardy and live in degrees of greater or lesser anxiety, but never in true relaxation. The assurance of safety is a vital and wonderful resource that we need to share with one another. A great many contentious behaviors in the world are attempts to compensate for the lack of needed messages. People ask for raises because they haven’t been told they are appreciated. People sue other people because they haven’t received an apology. They destroy and even murder because they have never felt seen, and it seems as though any attention is better than none.

Knowledge of the messages and their roles in human life is one of the simplest and most precious things to have come my way in a lifetime on this path. It is the most needed idea about need. We hope it gets passed along.

Paul and Patricia Richards are highly sought after consultants and trainers in energetic perception (Seeing) and its practical application in human health, personal empowerment, and relationships. For more information please visit www.sentecenter.com.