A – ACCENT: I don’t think that I have an accent, though if I’m around people who have a noticeable one I can start picking aspects of it up.  I do use a tiny bit of Pittsburghese and some New England phrases.

B – BREAST SIZE: Bigger than I like.  Much bigger than I like.  Trust me, being big isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

C – CHORE YOU HATE: Changing the kitty litter.

D – DAD’S NAME: Stephen

E – ESSENTIAL MAKE-UP ITEM: I don’t tend to wear make up. I like eye make up and light lip stuff.  I do have lip stuff in my purse, though I’m more likely to put it on for the moisturizing aspect of it.

F – FAVORITE PERFUME: Sweet Pea from Bath & Body Works

G – GOLD OR SILVER: Silver.  Or platinum plated silver.  Which is awesome right now since the price of gold is sky rocketing.  Though I could do with white gold.

H – HOMETOWN: Economy Borough, PA. Facebook won’t acknowledge it because it doesn’t have it’s own zip code.

I – INSOMNIA: Not anymore. Though it can take me some time to actually get asleep.

J – JOB TITLE: Order Entry Technician or Order Completion Technician, depending on who you ask.  The former makes more sense since I don’t finish the orders.

K – KIDS: None…and I don’t want any.

L – LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Um, living in the loft upstairs in my mother’s house with my cat.

M – MOM’S BIRTHPLACE: She lived in Arlington, MA though she may have been born in Boston, MA (the nearest big city).

N – NUMBER OF APPLES YOU’VE EATEN: I eat at a minimum of 4 a week.  Gala.  With dinner.

O – OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: Two.

P – PHOBIA: Insects, though the severity depends on how well controlled my depression is.  It’s down to nothing at the moment.

Q – QUEST: My current one is to knit socks.  And unpack/organize my books.

R – RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: I’m Christian, Anglican (though I started out in a United Methodist church and was baptized in an Episcopalian church.  Schism. ‘Nough said.)

S – SIBLINGS: A younger sister Debbie who is a married pilot with a house who wants at least 4 kids last I heard.  She has more wrinkles than I do, though.  Undiluted sun through a cock pit window.

T – TIME YOU WAKE UP: 10:49 am 4 days a week.  Random on the other three.

U – UNNATURAL HAIR COLORS YOU’VE WORN: My hair has never been unnatural.  Darker or lighter brown, and for a while an ugly shade of blond.
V – VEGETABLE YOU REFUSE TO EAT: Rhubarb (is that a veggie?)

W – WORST HABIT: Cursing when I get frustrated.  Forgetting things.

X – X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: Goodness gracious, I’ve had a bunch.

Y – YUMMY FOODS YOU MAKE: Ham in pineapple.

Z – ZANY QUIRK: I can be very literal, don’t have a dirty mind, and find word misuses (?) funny.

I’m starting to get sick of feeling pressured by people telling me I need to or should get my degree.  First thing, it’s expensive and I’m broke.  I have to pay off bills before I could consider that it and that will take years.  By then finishing my education will be even more expensive!  The thing is I’m not really sure why I need it.  I’ve never not had a job, other than the two or three weeks after Team went out of business.  I’ve had jobs where you need a degree and multiple of years in the industry (neither of which I had).  I will (eventually) make more at the job I have (which I don’t need a degree for) than I have at any other job.  2 years and 2 and a half months.  The only degree I’m close to getting is an English degree.  What on earth am I going to do with that?  I don’t know what else I would do.  Medical transcriptionist has been suggested.  Do they really have degrees for that?  I thought that was a certificate thing.  *shrug*  Melissa says to get a degree to move up in my job.  Um…I don’t know what degrees you need to become a pharmacist, but I bet it’s expensive.  Not to mention that I don’t really want to be a pharmacist.  They have to talk to people.  Melissa thinks I should go into management.   I don’t understand why.  I don’t really want to.  I don’t really want to have to deal with all the things that managers have to deal with.  I like what I do now.  I guess there’s something wrong with me because I’m not that ambitious.  I don’t understand why I have to be.  Can’t my goals just be to be better at the job I have?  I have room for improvement.

Another thing I don’t understand is the pressure on me to date.  Why can’t I just not date?  Melissa spent 20 minutes telling me I should date.  I should find someone at work.  I should meet guy’s eyes at coffee shops and bookstore cafes.  I should join eHarmony and find someone online.  There are difficulties with that.  Most of the people at work are in relationships or are married.  Not to mention that they don’t talk to me.  And the fact that most of them like to go out and drink and I don’t.  I don’t like coffee.  When I go somewhere with a book I’m basically focused on the book.  I get lost in it unless I have to be aware of the time.  I don’t look at the people there with me.  Meeting people online isn’t exactly the most safe of things to do.  I know plenty of people who have done it, but I’m very wary.  Melissa pushed eHarmony on me, but I know that’s expensive.  She said look for a free weekend.  She doesn’t want me to “waste my cuteness”.  I didn’t know it was wasted because I wasn’t going out with anyone. *rolls eyes*

Why do I need to date in the first place?  I don’t want children so I don’t really have to worry about a biological clock or anything.  I have depression which can be quite difficult and most people, especially men, don’t understand.  Even some of those who claim to understand have negative prejudices about depression.  I also don’t tend to trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships.  I’ve dated 6 guys.   2 of the relationships were extremely short.  1 of them was okay, but we just weren’t right for each other.  2 of them were very unhealthy.  2 of them drained me completely financially.  (1 of them was both unhealthy and draining.  That’s why the numbers don’t add up.)  The later ones seem to be worse than the earlier ones.  5 out of 6 is not a good record.  I’m sick of going through it.  I seem to end up giving too much and getting too little.  I don’t want to do it any more.  I also don’t go anywhere where I would meet people.  Melissa suggested I ask my friends if they know any single guys.  Yeah, so not me.  Not going to happen.  Oh yeah, it’s only been about 4 months since I broke up with the last guy.

I know these leaves me in a bad place for the future.  I know it will end up with me alone with no one constant in a few years.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.  I’m focusing more on what I’m doing now.  I don’t understand why that’s not good enough for people.  I’m content where I am, for the most part.  I’m not thrillingly happy, but I’m not horribly depressed.  I can stand the former and I love the latter.  People who don’t have depression don’t understand how wonderful the absence of sadness can be.

I look at my future and it’s not so bright.  I don’t have a kid, fiance, boyfriend, or husband.  I have Mom, Dad, and Kathy.  I’m not close to my sister or my step sister.  And by not close I mean we don’t speak for months at at time.  My sister is married and my step sister is engaged.  The rest of my family is states away.  Many states, in some cases.  My parents (with the exception of Kathy – I’m not sure how old she is, but my step sister is 9-10 years younger than I am) are in their 60′s.  Since my father’s father is 93 and still living mostly on his own (see my post My Grandfather is Amazing) so he’ll be around for a long time, I think.  My mother on the other hand is a different story.  Diabetes and colon cancer are the legacies of her parents.  She doesn’t want life saving procedures done.  She’s not even sure she wants blood transfusions.  I know she doesn’t want to have a long life.  I’m not sure how long of a life she wants, but I know she doesn’t want a long one.  It makes me sad.  I don’t like to think about losing my parents.  I’ll be basically completely alone at that point.

I don’t want children.  I’m not good with children.  In fact young children scare me.  Not to mention that I really don’t want to pass down the problems in my genes.  Then there’s the fact that I would most likely have to go off my antidepressant if I became pregnant and that would definitely not be good.  If I survived that, you can forget about breast feeding.  As much as I’d want to, I know I can’t handle my regular life, let alone a baby and possible postpartum depression, if I’m not on antidepressants.  And yes, I do realize that this will leave no one to take care of me in my old age.  My mother (who doesn’t like children) has already pointed that out numerous times.

I also really don’t expect to find a spouse.  I’m not really sure I want to find one at this point.  People can’t handle being around me because of my depression (not to mention the fact that I really don’t tend to fit in with most of my peer group.  I never have.). It’s even worse for those who live with me.  It’s not going to change.  There’s no magic issue that I can work through that’s going to make my severe depression disappear.  I have to be medicated.  Of course, being medicated properly is important as well, but my life has been a series of everything falling apart that I don’t think people will put up with.  Not to mention that a lot of men (and yes, I know this is a stereotype) have problems understanding emotions.  My illness is emotions.  A lot of the time it’s been out of control emotions.

There are other problems with spouses.  I have bad judgement when it comes to romantic relationships.  The past two major ones (okay, that’s the past two, but who’s counting?) have ended with me totally drained – emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  My other relationship choices (with one exception) haven’t been all that great either.  I don’t trust myself to find someone.   I don’t want to go from relationship to relationship anymore.  I’m not joining dating sites, going to bars, going speed dating, or any of the other find-a-mate things.  My schedule is a mess.  I can’t go to most get-togethers. I tend to be either at work or asleep.  The people I work with do not talk to me.  I don’t fit in with their sex text, drinking lives.  *shrug*  I don’t want to.

The upshot of all of this is in a very short amount of time I will be basically be completely alone.  I’m sure I’ll interact with people on places like Facebook and LJ and occasionally see the people I knew in school and at past work places, but it’s not like that’s going to be often.  I’m a loner and though it’s not always by choice, it’s the way things are.  The way things will be.  I’ve been struggling for 20 or so years to change it.  A lot of that was desperation due to my illness, but I’m going to try not to struggle with it anymore.  What will be, will be and all that jazz.  Still, it’s not always pleasant to contemplate.  I try not to, but the worse my depression is, the worse the obsession with it gets. Also the more morbid the thoughts get.  I start thinking about how I’ll die and no one will notice for days, weeks, months.  *shrug*

Well, enough sadness.  Moving on….

These are all pictures from our yard (and our neighbor’s).

Pictures of some of our day lilies.

The following are Mom’s favorite and she loves that we’re the only people in the neighborhood with pink ones!

A bud on our Hibiscus.

The flowers on this plant remind us of the colors of sunsets.

The next ones are off a tree in the garden of our across the yard neighbor.

We’re hoping to plant this before it dies.

The next one was an experiment. I’m not sure how it turned out.

Jack, Mom’s puppy, turning away from me. Mom went into the house just as I was taking the photo.

Check out this week’s Weekly Winners at Sarcastic Mom.

Grandpa is the dapper guy on the left side in front. Those are all pictures of that side of the family from my sister’s wedding.

Yesterday my Aunt in California emailed me to tell me Grandpa was given a Presidential Achievement award on Thursday.  He is 93 and volunteers at an adult daycare in California.  He even made the news: Seal Beach Man, 93, is Super Volunteer.  I am so very proud of him.  He’s been through a lot and he is still a caring, wonderful man.  He danced the foxtrot with my sister at her wedding.  He has macular degeneration and has great difficulty in seeing, but still goes out to help others.  I just hope that I’ll get the chance to see him again.  I love you, Grandpa!

I was rather proud of myself and posted it everywhere, but alas, I’ve not worked on it since.  I’ve been too tired (hey, you try working 12 and a half hour days and then come home and knit at 3:30 am!), too busy (party and shopping and party and unpacking), or it’s been too hot (with the ac on up here it was 81 degrees!).  I’ll get back to it because I have a goal.  I want to knit socks.

Mom gave me some help in that direction.  I was talking about knitting socks and she knew that I would need some double pointed needles (dpn).  She said she had some, dug them out of her sewing basket, and gave them to me.  They are bone dpns that my great-grandmother used way back when.  Wow!  I don’t remember what size they are and I just packed them away in my knitting bag.  I can’t wait to find a pattern and yarn so I can use them.  After I finish my scarf. *sigh*

Today I did the first day of the first week of the Cool Running Couch-to-5K.  Well, that was the plan.  I only did about half.  I did the 15 minute brisk walk warm up, 5 60-second runs, 4 90-second walks, and the 5 minute cool down walk.  I didn’t understand something.  He said six intervals. I thought it was 6 run/walk sets.  I got to the end of the fifth run and he told me I was halfway done.  At that point I was exhausted, red faced, sweating profusely, unsteady on my legs, and feeling very sick to my stomach so I fast forwarded to the 5 minute cool down walk.  Yeah, somehow I don’t think I’ll be ready to do a 5K in 2 months.  Oh well, I don’t have one scheduled to run so I can work up to it.  I do wonder how long I’ll be doing week one.  Since I am going to be regularly working 12.5 hour days, I’ll be planning on doing 2 runs a week – one on Friday and one on Sunday.  I might be able to squeeze a third one in depending on how much OT is offered during the week.  I’m not sure what I’m going to do on the weekends we have the  June running clinic with the Pittsburgh Charity Runners and Walkers, which is on next Saturday morning.  I might have to not do that, which would suck.  I need to do some type of exercise and I know that running is a good one.  I might do something on my Mom’s XL Glider during the week.

I also got my contacts on Monday.  Shocked the heck out of me considering I got 5-7 day shipping and had ordered them on Saturday.  1-800-Contacts used through Wal-Mart rocks!  There wasn’t even a whole business day in between the two!  I got the Acuvue Oasys with Hydraclear Plus that I’ve had before and no problems.  I had tried the Air Optix Night & Day lenses but they irritated my right eye.  I loved being able to wear them all day and all night, but I had at least two areas in my right eye that would swell when I tried to wear them.  I waited months to be sure the eye was totally healed and I haven’t had a problem yet.  I’ve been wearing them more than I haven’t been wearing them.

Thursday we doubled one med and added another.   I really wish I would have had some more time for it to get into my system before Friday morning.   I now go into therapy expecting to be attacked therefore I’m defensive.  When I’m struggling not to cry, my tone gets sharper.  Apparently based upon this she decided that I was that way to everyone all the time.  My perceptions are out of what and a lot of the time I know it, but I can’t get past it.  Not to mention that the worse my emotional level gets the harder it is to remember it.  *shrug*  By Friday evening I was soooo much better.  I’m calm, I haven’t felt like crying since Friday morning.  I had a set back trying to get a different brand of contacts.  I was hoping to get the change at Moon, but they said I had to go to my original Wal-Mart.  So Mom and I went out to Pleasant Hills and got it done.  I didn’t end up in tears and last weekend I would.  I would also had given up and not made the effort to get it done.  I’m making plans with people.  I’m not afraid to see my friends.  I don’t feel like no one wants me.  I don’t feel like I want to die.  I don’t feel like everyone has forgotten me, and when I thought that might have been the case, I wasn’t in tears.  I’m not obsessing.  I’m not looking at Facebook and feeling absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s like someone flipped a switch.  Or was pushing up on a dimmer switch.  I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not sure any explanation I could come up with would do it justice.  *shrug*  Sometimes it feels like I’m too different people.  It looks like unfortunately I’m one of those people who needs to be on medication.  I don’t like that, but it’s worth it to feel normal.  I hate being this way because people don’t understand.  I’m so worried about people getting the wrong impression (and I know they do) and about offending people.  There’s not much I can do about that.  I definitely feel out of control when my meds aren’t doing right.  I don’t know how this will be once the initial high wears off.  *shrug*  You just have to keep going and take it one day at a time.

Friday was rough.  I moved stuff over to Mom’s.  I left the apartment at around 4:30 pm.  I returned around 8 and got Tom to go and change the phone plans.  I did not go into the apartment.  After changing the phone plans we return.  I walked in and found the lights on.  I got angry.  No one was home so there was no reason for the lights to be on.  I went straight into the bedroom without looking around.  I don’t know why, but I wasn’t feeling very good and I was tired.  Tom said he was going out several hours later and asked me if there was anything I wanted him to do.  I didn’t get up and look.  I was working on the computer.  I said no.  I still had stuff I wanted to do and I planned to get up around midnight and spend an hour to an hour and a half cleaning and packing before I went to sleep.  When I did that Tom was not there.  The living room was a mess.  All of the things which I had not packed for him before he got home were lying around the room.  So I had to pick all of that up.  I put it on the couch.  I was furious.  I could not believe that he went out without finishing his own packing.  He had about 5 hours to do it in and there’s no way it would have taken that long.  he came home while I was doing it.  He yelled at me, telling me it was my fault because I hadn’t told him to pack his stuff.  He also said that it didn’t matter since my dad’s fiance had just said anything that wasn’t packed wasn’t going.  Excuse me, but we had to go through the living room to move stuff and move items that were covered with his stuff.  He didn’t get home until after 1 am and we had to be up early in the morning to get the truck.  Also, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell him to pack his own stuff.  I didn’t realize that it wouldn’t be obvious that the rooms and furniture had to be clear in order to do the move.  I didn’t realize that I had to tell him to do it before he left to go out and have fun.  I didn’t go and one of the reasons I told him that I couldn’t go was that I still had packing left to do.  I didn’t know I had to be his mother.

Saturday was worse.  I set my alarm late because I was so upset the night before that I messed up.  If I hadn’t called Mom we would have been late.  The guy I picked the truck up from told me I could change the drop off, but when I called she said I couldn’t since I had the truck.  Tom and I argued and he told me that if I didn’t stop yelling then he would not help with the move.  I was falling apart and had been since we had gotten the truck.  I was crying.  I told him I didn’t have a lot of control.  I cried for at least two solid hours then I finally took half a xanax.  It took about another half hour but I finally stopped crying.  I was carrying stuff out to cars when I could, but after taking the medicine I was unsteady and the fact that due to an argument with Tom I could not finish the hot dog I tried to eat for breakfast.  I was shaking and exhausted, but I kept going.  I got food for everyone who wanted it because I knew I needed to eat.  The Maracuja called when we were finishing up.  Upon finding out we were finished she offered to come over and help clean. I told her I’d call her when I got over there.  I got Tom in New Brighton and as we’re driving close to Ambridge he asks me to drop him off so he can get pizza.  Instead of going back to help me clean, he decided he wanted to get pizza.  I was completely pissed off at that point.  I left him there and went back to the apartment.  I called the Maracuja, but didn’t get her.  I left a message and started cleaning.  I cleaned the bathroom completely, I vacuumed the entire place, and started sweeping.  The Maracuja called and came over.  She helped me finish up cleaning, took me over to ENP for dinner (for which I will be eternally grateful), listened to me whine and complain (another thing for which I will be eternally grateful), and helped me finish getting stuff out to the car.  I left my key and never went back.

The next day I had was all over achy and had a fever.   Luckily, I was on vacation for the week.  I have felt horrible all week.  I’ve had cramps, especially today.  Dad worked on my car and fixed the rotors and brake pads.  I need to make an appointment for an inspection.  I went to sleep yesterday at after 5 am. I woke up in agony at just after 7 am.  I took pain killers, got Mom’s heating pad to use with mine (I had extreme pain in both front and back), and I have no idea how long it took me to finally get back to sleep.  I don’t even know when I woke up.  I had to unplug my clock to plug in the other heating pad.  When I went downstairs I discovered it was almost 4 pm.  I was in pain on and off for the rest of the day.  Still am.

There’s one more thing else that bothers me.  I have a friend who said she was planning on doing the zoo on Saturday morning.  I was thinking  of going despite the fact that it was in the morning because she’s one of my favorite people.  She decided to change it to the children’s museum.  She said she’d email me her schedule so we could make plans.  That was Monday or Tuesday.  I didn’t hear from here and it was Wednesday.  I saw her making plans with at least one other person.  I messaged her and asked if she was going to send me her schedule or if she just wanted to forget it.  She said no, that she’d send her schedule that night.  That was Wednesday.  I still haven’t received it from her.  I commented on one of her statuses and she commented back saying that she loved me for many reasons.  I have a hard time believing it.  I still haven’t heard from her. Except for that comment.

What’s wrong with me?

I have already been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. People at work do not talk to me. Not unless they have to. When I was in training, the other two trainees ignored me. Only the leads and supervisors talk to me most days. Sometimes people nod at me or will say hi as they pass me in the hall way. The van drivers talk to me more than my co-workers. I spend usually less than 15 minutes with them. I keep wondering why they don’t like me. I wonder why I’m beneath their notice.
It doesn’t stop there. My friends. My RL friends rarely talk with me. I’m on Facebook with many of them. It’s rare that they respond to anything I say. I comment on their posts and they’re basically ignored. I try to talk with people and get ignored. I ask if things are okay and I can see that they’re online, but they don’t bother answering till the next day, often when I’m asleep or at work. I try. I try to cut back on my depressive posts. It’s hard, but I really don’t say anywhere near as much as I could. There are a lot of times when I don’t say what I think about things because I don’t want to upset them. I try to interact. I was making plans. I did last weekend. I went to F Cubed. That’s hard for me considering the spiritual and emotional place I’m in right now. I expect them all to be angry with me for what I did to Tom. Especially after my appointment only two days earlier. I don’t know that they’re not. Whether or not it’s necessarily factual, I *know* I’m less important than he is. I *know* I’m less important than everyone. I *know* I don’t matter. Emotions aren’t rational. I want to be there for people, but I’m not good enough. I’m only good enough when there’s absolutely no one else.

It’s hard. My jaw hurts most of the day every day. It’s extremely hard to eat and last night it made it extremely difficult to sleep. That constant pain can be difficult. It’s draining. Only reading and listening to my audiobooks seem to block it. I also had bouts of nausea on Thursday. I’m going to have to work next Friday. That’s depressing. At least my shift doesn’t normally work on Fridays and those that do tend to work in the morning. Why, I don’t know. Of course, they don’t normally work till 230 the same morning. *shrug* I’m wearing myself out and I know it. I know I’m pulling in. I can feel it. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know that it matters that I do. I just keep asking myself and God what’s wrong with me?