The overwhelming support shown by the entire country can still make me smile.  All the people who traveled both great and small distances to help New York and DC recover and rebuild.  The money that was raised for the families of the victims.  I can remember a business owner who worked in the Towers who was late that day because he was taking his child to school coming on the air and promising to give money to the families of his employees.  I don’t recall his name, but I do hope he kept that promise.  I can remember the emotions of the President and the other political leaders and all the events held to raise money to help.   We didn’t break, we got back up, and today we still stand as a proud nation.

I know that it saddens me to know that there are those who believe that the whole thing was a sham.  That our government did it intentionally.  Were things missed leading up to it? Yes.  Are those misses more glaringly obvious after the fact than before the attack?  Most definitely.  No one I know had ever considered that a jet plane would be used as a bomb instead of as someplace to get hostages.  It seems obvious now, but not then.  I was old enough then to know and remember and the common man just did not consider that.  I can not speak for the terrorists and Al Qaeda who obviously did think of it nor for the people who were employed to stop terrorism since I did not know any at the time.  I think it is a real credit to our leaders, our intelligence agencies, and our military that in the past ten years we have not had another major terrorist attack on our soil and I certainly pray that the rest of the day goes by without incident.  It is also a credit to our allies who have assisted us – many of whom have also suffered from terrorist attacks in the past ten years.  It is a battle, I know, between law enforcement and terrorists to see who can win each day and I pray that each day law enforcement wins.  Killing people may get attention to a cause, but it leaves holes in many lives.  One day another terrorist may try something similar to the attacks on September 11th and my sister or my brother-in-law might just be flying the plane or be a passenger on the plane.  I know they both would fight but as little as I see them I don’t want to lose them.  No longer will the majority of pilots and crew co-operate with terrorists since we now know that hostages and negotiations are not the number one uses for planes.  We have  the memories of the brave people on Flight 93 to thank for that.  One of my favorite songs is “One Last Time” by Dusty Drake:

One Last Time lyrics
Songwriters: Matthews, Patrick Jason; Phillips, Kerry Kurt;

When she picked up the telephone
His voice came on the line
She said, “This can’t be happening”
An’ tears fell from her eyes

She said, “What am I supposed to do?
I can’t handle losin’ you”
He said, “I just had to call to say goodbye”
One last time

He said, “There are some things in this life
That are out of our control”
Like who we fall in love with
And when it’s time to go

She said, “What about the plans we had?”
He said, “This connection’s gettin’ bad”
Now c’mon baby, let me hear you smile
One last time

She started to apologize
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dusty-drake-lyrics/one-last-time-lyrics.html )
For all the things that she’d done wrong
She said, “I would have loved you better
If only I’d known”

He said, “You were the perfect wife
Promise me you’ll go on with your life”
She said, “The boys won’t understand”
He said, “Tell ‘em daddy loves ‘em and be strong, whoa”

And he said, “Honey, I’ve gotta go”
She said, “Don’t you dare hang up
There’s so many things I need to say
I love you so much”

It was almost like she felt him leave
She cried out, “Can you still hear me?”
She fell down on the kitchen floor, when the signal died
As the pilot tried to pull out of the dive, one last

Unfortunately, I was unable to find an audio version to link, but I would suggest looking for it.  It always gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes.  I can remember the shock I felt at hearing the end of the song for the first time. I thought the lyrics were kind of stupid and the man was cruel until I heard that part.

I like to talk about sports. My friends don’t. Several of my friends feel it necessary to bash sports, sports fans, players, and anything having to do with any of them. I like Pirates and to go to games. I like the Steelers and to watch games. I even like the Pens. I like to read and talk about books. As far as I can tell my friends do not read the same books. Fantasy? Romantic comedies? Science Fiction? Nope. Not on the list. I can talk about rx’s and dr’s and work stuff, but people don’t know about that and don’t really care.

I don’t feel close to anyone. How could I? Do you know how often I worry that I would be bothering someone by calling them? I do not feel that it’s okay to just show up at someone’s residence either. I feel guilty very easily that I’m badgering people to try to get them to do something with me? Do you have any clue as to how often I am put off by people, accused of being insensitive, or just plain forgotten? More than enough times to leave scars. I don’t expect people to be perfect – I never have. I try hard to accommodate other people’s schedules, but I don’t do mornings. Do you know how often people ask me to do something in the morning? It is extremely difficult for me. I also get people asking me to do things on days I work. I don’t have a great deal of time on those days.

I am afraid of people. I’m afraid of pushing too hard and being tossed aside. I’m afraid of saying what I actually think or feel and being rejected. I’m afraid of talking too much or saying too little or even talking about the wrong thing. Don’t tell me that I’m silly or stupid for feeling that way. Do you know how often that’s happened to me? I have people I’m afraid to talk to problems about because I’ve already been told that I was immoral and deserved my fate.

Do you know how often I see people talking about how their friends have cheered them up, encouraged them, supported them, helped them out, etc? Do you know how jealous I am of them? Do you know how jealous I am of people talking about having best friends? I don’t have one of those and I have no faith that I ever will. I was too numb for too long. I’m not sure I ever learned how to relate to people or if I was ever good at it, but if I was those skills are long gone. I had to turn down too much for too long and now I’m on the way outside looking in and I have no faith that I’ll get close to anyone ever again. I’m not interested or special. I don’t have charisma or something in common with people. I’m weird, strange, whatever and I know it. People have lost patience with me.

I’m also in a lot of pain a lot of the time and the consequences of that pain are embarrassing.  I no longer use silverware. I use plasticware.  I use paper plates at home.  If I go out with Mom she cuts my meat.  I don’t go anywhere without my tube of IcyHot.  I can’t knit. I can’t hold a book. I drop things a lot more.  I brought my camera to a couple of events but didn’t dare take any pictures because I know that a) it would hurt to hold and b) that I might just drop it.  Since I don’t have a diagnosis and most of the time the pain laughs hysterically at otc pain killers most people think I’m strange or that it’s not real.  They don’t understand and they don’t get it.  I know that most people have no concept of how much pain I am in for a week every three months and how much less pain killers (even Vicodin) work on that pain.  And I have to function through it.  Go to work. Do my job. Get things done.

I have a once a month group, but they intimidate me. I know I’m not good enough to belong and I was also informed that one of the group was extremely angry that I broke up with Tom.

I don’t want to lose what little I have and it’s hard knowing a lot of your friends believe (or at least act like) the things I really like are stupid or bad or wrong.  There’s a section from the JJ Heller song “What Love Really Means” which has always struck a chord with me:

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me

Unfortunately I don’t really think anyone ever will.  I have more faith that people will turn away from me and/or hate me.  That’s happened more often than I would like.

Now I’ve found out via Facebook that he’s dating someone new.  He’ll be with her until she breaks off the relationship because he never will no matter how bad things are.  He never has broken up with anyone.   I resent the fact that he was so much better off when we broke and I will be paying for it for years and now he has someone new, while I sitting knowing that no one is going to ever want me.  No one will put up with the difficulties.  It will be about three years before I’m out of debt and I’m not going to date someone before that.  It ends up being to damn expensive.  Maybe if I was happy or joyful or content, but I’m not.  I live on a roller coaster that I wish I could get off but don’t think I ever will.  I live with pain that I am told has no cause but oftentimes limits what I can and cannot do.  I have to learn how to live with it and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

I got down to one medication, and that medication is one that was increasingly my appetite and one that I did not want to be on. I was unable to go straight off of that medication due to the fact that it appeared the depression symptoms were increasing as that medication was decreasing. So as I discontinued that medication we began to put me on Zoloft. Unfortunately, Zoloft made me extremely carsick. At that point we decide to try me on Celexa. After initial starting dose of 20 mg we increased it to 40 since it did not appear that the initial dose was working. After the increase in medication my depression increased exponentially. We immediately lower the medication back to 20 mg and began Wellbutrin. One of the things that irritates me the most is that my previous psychiatrist had me taking 60 mg of Celexa along with the many other medications so that it was impossible tell that the Celexa was making me much worse.

As we stepped up the Wellbutrin over time I began getting a benefit to my mood. Around the time of my birthday we made one last increase in the medication. Around the same time I began having hot flashes, stomach irritation, headaches, and a general feeling of bad health. Several months later I saw my psychiatrist again and she told me that my reaction matched one of her other patients who had been on the same medication. As instructed, I lowered the medication and immediately began to feel better. This too was frustrating because it was also one of the many medications that I have been on with the previous psychiatrist.

At my next appointment we decided that SSRI antidepressants were not good for me. We decided that I would discontinue the Wellbutrin and begin a medication known as Lamictal. This medication was slightly dangerous and needed to slowly be built up in the system. I was started on a non-therapeutic dose of 25 mg and instructed to start taking it once a day. After about a week or so I was to begin taking it twice a day. Lamictal has an extremely long half-life and takes a long while to drain out of your system as well as to build up in it. Wellbutrin, on the other hand, has a short half-life and leaves the system fairly quickly. I stop the Wellbutrin with little effect. Increasing the Lamictal, however, presented a problem.

After about a week, I was feeling extremely drowsy, but on the other hand my mood was was fairly good. I decided that since I was still not taking a therapeutic level dose to do something that most would consider slightly reckless. I decided to step down on the Lamictal and see what type of difference it would make. I began on a weekend to try and make it so that any withdrawal symptoms be worse on the weekend. In less than a week, I was no longer taking the Lamictal. I started keeping track in Facebook for the first several days and how my mood was doing and how the day went. The days actually went fairly well; better than I expected. I mood state fairly consistent for most the day. Only at points when I was having what I considered withdrawal symptoms i.e. a headache and some achiness and grogginess,space did I have any mood problems. Also, these new problems were nothing compared to the mood things I was having on the medication. One of the side effects of the medication was mood swings. It also occurred during times when it was especially stressful due to my work. Since my work week ended, I’ve only had increased irritability when I was in pain. For the most part, my mood has been good, I have been happy, and I have had a lots of energy. I know I still have a couple of weeks before I am sure that the medication is out of my system, the Lamictal is more of an anti-seizure medication and less of an antidepressant. In fact, it is usually prescribed for seizures and bipolar disorder, not depression. Because of that, I am torn between being irritated that was on medication that it’s looking like I did not need, and being glad that I don’t seem to need it anymore.

I know that this story is not typical. I also know that I did need to be on medication 10 years ago when this all began. There is no doubt in my mind that I have suffered from major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, there is also no doubt in my mind I was on medication that I did not need to be on for no good reason. There was no reason to put me on anti-anxiety medication. I certainly don’t recommend going off medication without doctor supervision. However, I also recommend being with a psychiatrist to only continually adds medications without questioning their efficacy the reason for taking them. The only sign of anxiety I ever showed was a night that I was checking myself into the hospital. I think is quite natural for the 21-year-old young woman to be nervous going into a psychiatric ward of a hospital for the first time. I may have needed to be on the medication that night, but there is no reason to continue me on it. Before that night I have had no symptoms of anxiety, only symptoms of depression. I also disagree now with the decision of the psychiatrist before my current one to put me on multiple medications at once and so discontinue one that did not appear to be working. In fact, the only time we ever discontinue the medication was on my insurance discontinued its coverage of that medication. And even then, we switch to what was considered to be the equivalent medication that was covered. Once the cover switch back we switch back to the first medication which is happened to be the medication Celexa.

I will be carefully monitoring my mood next several weeks. It looks like things are getting worse than I will go back on the Lamictal or I will call my psychiatrist for advice on a different medication. I am not against being on medication. I never have been. However, I don’t want to be a medication that I don’t need to be on. I was certainly prefer not need medication, however I need to be on it I will be.

by LJ user velociraptorx at the wickpixgraphics community

by LiveJournal user xbelladollx

Some of my friends have been talking about spousal abuse – they both went through it and got out.  They just did a post and someone made a nasty comment and there is a good chance it’s someone who I feel got to them through me.  I’d written a long, drawn out blog post (because do I do any other kind?) about what I thought I had gone through but haven’t had the courage to post it.  I have a pretty good idea that I came close to getting into the same situation as they did, but there were 2 different things – one is that I got out before it got violent and two that getting into it and staying in it so long was my own stupid fault.  I wrote about that situation and some other things that were mixed up in it – but I haven’t posted it.  It’s sitting in a file on my desktop and has for days.  I don’t know if I can or should post it.  I don’t think I could take any more condemnation than I already put on myself and I’m afraid that people would hate and scorn me and I’d lose what little I do have.  I can’t really see how anyone could have anything other than contempt for me upon reading it so it stays unposted.  I also don’t think people would believe me.  I’ve told parts of it to some different people and they didn’t.  I was weak and stupid and I am very afraid to reveal that anyone.  Although, I’m really not sure anyone could hate me, be ashamed of me, or look down on me any more than I do.  I don’t really want to find out.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I’m also concerned because I have a feeling that if certain people read parts of it they would be hurt and/or be angry with me.  I’m really not sure I could take that. *shrug* I might do it anyways.

By Livejournal user italic of Bouncys!