Apollo decides to stop off at Gator Park Airboat Tours for a kick ass airboat tour of the Everglades.

First ones on the boat, last ones to get off.

Apollo Creed ready to go for his airboat ride.

Earplugs for the wife and kid? Check.

German husband dudes earplugs in? Check.

Thunderlips earplugs in? Check.

Apollo Creed doesn't need any stupid ass earplugs he's just ready to get this show on the manmade waterway.

Right out of the gate, Apollo spots a couple of really big turtles.

Unfortunately Apollo's photographer knows not the workings of his camera and fails to capture any real proof of the turtles.

Mostly, the airboat tours stick to the manmade canals, and not so much the 'true' Everglades.

Nevertheless, the airboat tours allow you to see all the wildlife you'd typically see in deep in the Everglades. Here, Apollo pretended to throw a rock at this 3 foot long alligator.

Apollo spots a Grackle.

Bald eagle spotted by Apollo, no proof on camera. Fuck.

Apollo is tired of puttputting along and is ready to tell Harry to drop the hammer.

The Ultimate Male concurs. Time to go fast.

Apollo takes it upon himself to drop the hammer down.

Now we are getting somewhere. Apollo can only wonder how many hapless gators and turtles just putting along in their own meager reality get totally destroyed when a flockload of tourists tag them with these environmentally-friendly airboats. Hmm.

Regardless of the health and well being of these creatures, Apollo totally loved hauling ass doing water donuts in the Everglades.

What goes fast, ends fast. Before you know it, the fun is over and its back to the manmade waterway. Only this time you've long since scared off any prayer of seeing anything other than a dragonfly at this point.

It's of Apollos professional opinion that all visitors to the Everglades should take an airboat tour. The German family all had a really good time, and Apollo kept bumping into them over the course of the next two days. Apollo states a new law of nature: There are some Germans that visit the Everglades that are indeed good people.

Yep its confirmed. Almost back to the dock and after whizzing in circles for 10 minutes like mad crazies there is officially no sign of anything alive.

Kirby S. Storter Park within Big Cypress National Preserve.

Apollo tries to cover a few miles of boardwalk walking before the sun goes down on Big Cypress.

Losing daylight in Big Cypress National Preserve.

Apollo turned the corner off-trail and came across this massive ass 12 foot gator. The gator was keenly aware of Apollo's presence, but realized for his own sake that he better leave well enough alone, and just go ahead and allow for a quick couple of pictures.

Sunset over Big Cypress National Preserve.

Apollo & Thunderlips visit the Everglades & Francis S. Taylor Wildlife Management Area.

There wasn't jack shit anything inside this tube.

Caution: You may be riddled with bullet holes if you stop to read about the Melaluca control project in marsh areas. While boaters must watch out for tree stumps along the water line, readers must watch for bullets hitting them near caution signs.

Apollo and Thunderlips checking out the silt fences that help regulate the Everglades bowel movements.

Contrary to Apollo's current knowledge, redneck behavior is not limited to North Carolina.

Thunderlips stops at the water gauge ruler to measure the length of his pee pee.

Thunderlips admires the vast, open expanses of Everglades National Park.

Sometimes its really hard to take pictures of turtles. With that said, here is a picture of Apollo and a turtle.

Thunderlips works on his South Florida tan.

Here Apollo spots a bunch of ass fish.

Apollo spots a gator under the sawgrass.

Everglades kicks major ass.

Thunderlips spots a bald eagle. Apollo is too fucking slow with the camera. Shit.

Alligators and shit do not intimidate Apollo Creed. This big ass ten-footer named Larry was consistently ridiculed and mocked by Apollo and Thunderlips. Pussy.

Larry told Thunderlips that he looked like that asshole on TV renting vcrs with Troy Aikman. Thunderlips vowed to kick the shit out of the next 150 American Alligators he crossed path with and did not tip the guy who actually did all the work. Word for the wise: If you go to the Everglades, make sure you bring a few bucks cash with you so you can tip these people. Apollo felt like a piece of shit that he didn't tip the guy. Oh well. In terms of AU's, what difference does it really make.

This mother fucker is crazy. Apollo loves it.

Ok, close the alligators eyes, jump on its back, and hold its mouth shut. Check. This shit is easy.

Apollo's turn to knock the balls off this bastard.

Thunderlips conquers a littler ass alligator instead.

There is tons of cool places to see in downtown Chimney Rock... if you can call it that. Village is a stretch as well.

A very pretty sunset in Chimney Rock. At this point in the day however people have been gone for hours.

Other than Apollo and his entourage, the only other thing moving in all of Chimney Rock is the water of the Rocky Broad River. Not even squirrels. Apollo doesn't know what gives.

Apollo cheeses for a MySpace-esque self portrait.

Dude! Where are the fucking people!?

Someone recommended the Riverwatch Deli & Grill. Oh you know what? Closed.

You know what this bear is saying? He's saying "Hey kapow! Guess what we're closed."

You know why this sign says Don't even think of parking here? Because they are never open for business anyway what's the difference.

You know what this bear is saying? "Hey doucher we are closed." So now who's the douche.

Eating on the river, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. How can you serve patrons that are eating on a river, when you are never open to serve said patrons? Get in the real world. It's 3:09am and I am working on this post. You guys could be open 24 hours and offer free wifi access and I would be there right now praising you instead of complaining. Get in the real world already this is 2010 this isn't your pawpaw's reality.

This place is a freaking ghost town.

Holy can of shit something moved! No wait I tripped on nothing and fell and accidentally tripped the shutter and took a picture of absolutely jack shit.

Finally some action down here to report in Chimney Rock. It seems the moon has now moved .0904º or something.

Oh my god actual movement! That must be the actual Pam of Pam's Place sitting down to watch Jeopardy for her nightly challenge. Apollo really wishes Alex Trebek would grow back his fucking mustache already.

Apollo opts to eat on the water, as opposed to the non-airconditioned Genny's Family Restaurant interior.

Dude, this Genny sure is a stickler for the rules... trying to tell Apollo he can't lean. Shit.

Apollo tells Thunderlips to come break some of Genny's rules with him. Thunderlips was too busy eating his catfish sandwich to commit Chimney Rock sins.

It seems like pretty much every commercial establishment in Chimney Rock comes standard with a kick ass view. Genny's is no exception.

Again with those damn rules. Do not change tables? Oh yeah? Apollo changed to table 12.

Table 8. Eat that shit.

Or maybe table 10 is more comfy.

Um yeah table 7.

The bottom line, when you find yourself somewhere in the Hickory Nut Gorge, and it's still light outside with still multiple hours left before the sun even starts to set and you are hungry, Genny's Family Restaurant is a great choice to eat and they do have quite a selection. Go there.

When Apollo paid and left Genny's, he couldn't help notice this sign that by sheer coincidence reminded him of the movie Back to the Future. Understanding that copyright infringment is perfectly OK as long as God and Jesus are in the picture, Apollo just realized the scope of the religion present at Genny's. Woops for breaking every posted rule they had and adjusting the prices on the chalkboards. Woops.

The view from the Chimney Rock parking lot is pretty decently cool. Thunderlips tries to explain some of the goings on.

Looking up at Chimney Rock from the Visitors Center and parking lot. Apollo is ready to get this show on the road.

Of all the cool things about Chimney Rock, the one thing that most folks remember the most is the elevator ride. Dude told us that they still use the exact same original elevator car, the same one they've used since 1950 something.

This manmade cave that leads down to the elevator shaft is a little perplexing.

Thunderlips hustled some kid for 50 cents in order to use the cheesy binoculars.

Apollo thought it was a pretty shitheaded move though and kicked Thunderlips off the binoculars. Sucks he ran out of time.

The view from the top of Chimney Rock is nothing short of kick ass.

Looking down into the Hickory Nut Gorge. Totally freaking awesome.

Apollo wanted us to steal this flag so he could make himself some new American Flag boxing drawers. He wanted us to kick the shit out of the guy with all the information but we wouldn't do it. He called us pussies.

The actual Chimney Rock of Chimney Rock Park sits at an elevation of 2280' feet above sea level. That sounds about right I guess.

Thunderlips tries to explain to Apollo how in the movie The Last of the Mohecians, those bastards at the end run from here, all the way to Hooker Falls in Dupont in like, the exact same scene. Get fuckin real Daniel Day Lewis.

Regardless of the Hollywood propaganda and bullshit, Apollo and Thunderlips give their best Last of the Mohecians running-scene a go.

Thunderlips digs the view from Chimney Rock State Park. Hell yeah brother.

The Opera House at Chimney Rock is hardly big enough for these motherfuckers.

I can see the Piedmont from here. Big deal.

The view of Lake Lure from Chimney Rock really lets you appreciate that its nothing more than a contained manmade flood.

Apollo hates to ask, but which head are they referring to up here at Devil's Head?

Chimney Rock has more fucking stairs and steps than are grains of sands on all the Earths beaches and deserts combined.

Holy fucking stair climb to get to Exclamation Point, the highest point in Chimney Rock State Park. When they changed it to a State Park, they actually shortened the name of this point from Dollar Sign Pound Sign Ampersand Exclamation Point comma Mother Fucker!

Hahahahahaha this jive turkey couple was actually meditating up here and verbally saying "Ahhhooooommmm" and shit like that. I don't care who you are, if you do shit like that in public, someone has to make fun of you. Apollo Creed, fulfilling societies dark duties.

Chimney Rock kicks ass and worth fourteen dollars to get in there. Shit load of steps though...

Apollo visits the Paul Rardin Park on the Lake Okeechobee Rim Canal.

Too bad tampering with this thing was a federal crime. If it was a state crime...hmm.

Apollo kills a dragonfly in Lake Okeechobee.

Up shits boat ramp without a boat.

Despite the warnings, Apollo and Thunderlips failed to see what the big danger was. The decided to venture several feet beyond.

Thunderlips was kind of pissed off that they closed the Florida Trail.

Just to be kind of dicks about the Florida Trail closure, they blocked the gate and yelled expletives. Fuck, fuck Martinez!

Nobody was around, so Apollo got on the swing for a second until he heard a car coming.

A huge monster Chevy Camaro on the Miccosukee Indian Reservation.