Always Home and Uncool

Chain-Reaction Letters I Never Sent

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 23 May 2012 13:05:00 +0000

Dear Connecticut Light & Power Company,
Thank you for sending the crew to trim trees in my neighborhood. As you know by the repeated angry phone calls, our block has a tendency to lose electricity whenever someone in the vicinity sneezes too violently. However, the twigs your crew snipped off could barely take out a chipmunk let alone a power line.

Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA),
I do not endorse the bludgeoning of chipmunks but to put your furry-minded minds at ease before I snap, I suggest you come immediately and liberate every little Alvin, Simon and Theodore residing in the Swiss cheese they have made of my lawn. If I were you (but I'm not because I consider cheeseburgers an essential food group), for added critter safety I would also put all the Chip and Dales from the surrounding properties into WITSEC.

I’ll Take a 36D for ‘Dad’

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Mon, 21 May 2012 13:01:00 +0000

Some claim that I, a straight American male, am biologically hard-wired to notice breasts. I won't argue with science.

Unless the breasts in question belong to my tweenage daughter.

Just the other day there she was, this sweet little thing in a Disney Princess gown, buckled snugly at 5-points in her car seat, singing about the yumminess of fruit salad while My Little Ponies kept warm in each of her hands. In a blink, my wife is nudging me under the kitchen table, trying get me to look to my left and when I do I can see my precious baby girl leaning over the sink and OMIGOD WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM??!!

Continue reading at DadCentric >>

Award of the State

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 18 May 2012 12:55:00 +0000

Time to play “What the devil is going on in this photo?” in this week’s Fill ‘er Friday. Here is the bedeviling photo for the week:

Clue: That blur is me in the lower left corner.

Good eye! Yes, I AM wearing one of the free suits I got for a blog post two years ago. This must be a big event I’m at if I left my normal work attire of beer and baseball team T-shirts at home.

Yes. This photo was taken by My Love, who demonstrates why even despite my proven lack of shutterbugginess, I usually don’t allow her near a camera on vacation.

Am I leaving a court building for crimes against typing and headline puns? Not completely accurate …

It’s in His Jeans

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:31:00 +0000

My son, Excitable, may be a hit with the ladies for his dance moves, but eventually his allergy to showering will overpower their love of his inner Deney Terrio.

Then there’s his clothes.

I love the boy because, among a myriad of other reasons, unlike his sister he is not constantly begging me to take him shopping. He tends to wear clothes until they are tattered and holey. Then he continues to wear them tattered and holey.

I keep expecting calls from his school like this:

Not What it Seems

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:01:00 +0000

What first comes to your mind when you look at this photo of Excitable about to plunge off the back of our vacation houseboat and into the clear waters of Lake Powell, Utah/Arizona?

Me on TV. DadLabs TV. Via Internet. So, Me on the Internet. Big Whoop.

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:38:00 +0000

Scene: Our kitchen, last night, My Love wanders in from work, exhausted, spent, the day’s burdens pinning her shoulders for the three count. Me – bouncing up and down like a pup, pre-neutering.

ME: “Guess what, honey, guess what? I’m going to be on the Internet!”

MY LOVE: “Uh, you’re on the Internet every day.”

Bubble. Burst. Ka-BLOOEY!

Actually, here’s the deal:

I will be appearing / stuttering / flop-sweating live via Skype today -- Wednesday, May 2 -- at 3 p.m. Eastern time on DadLabs UStream show.

The topic: juvenile myositis, The Cure JM Foundation and the work my family does to find a cure for this rare autoimmune disease that our daughter has been battling with for almost 10 years.

Sounds heavy but you know I won’t be able to go more than 15 seconds without some sarcastic remark that will get me in trouble with the authorities. Or worse, in trouble with My Love.

DadLabs.com, if you don’t know, is a great parenting site whether you are a male or female. Lots of fun videos and information about kid products, parenting technology and general parenting advice … and humor.

You can watch the show without registering, but if you want to comment via chat you need to register here. This show will also be archived for posterity … and future blackmail.

Wish me luck.

Better yet, wish my antiperspirant extra strength.

Fear and Dancing in Las Vegas

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Tue, 01 May 2012 12:00:00 +0000

Our recent family vacation started and ended in Las Vegas. It may seem incongruous to bookend travels with children in a place known as Sin City or for me to use a 10-cent word like “incongruous.” However, I have plenty of photos of us enjoying “wholesome” touristy things to prove otherwise.

Like …

Photo Finished

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 14:22:00 +0000

I write about my failures as a family portrait photographer on our recent trip West at DadCentric today. Here’s the start and one of my many bad photos to entice you. Cheers!

The poetic among us would find rich metaphoric comparisons between the taking of our yearly family portrait and my annual health checkup.

I kinda froze here: one is a figurative pain in my tuchus; the other is literally.

:: snap :: ... and exhaaaaale -- good.

Though a notoriously mediocre point-n-shooter, I undertook the job of family photographer this year because I now own a decent camera and we were going on a scenic week-long trip out West. The breathtaking, soul-enriching beauty of the Grand Canyon and such should surely override my technical ineptitude and my motley crew's many flaws, right?

Yeah. Right.

Continue reading at DadCentric >>

Go West, Uncool

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:10:00 +0000

If you only read my blog feed or Facebook page or blog title (ye of ultra-short attention span), you were probably under the impression that, as usual, I was home last week.

Sucker!

Those who follow my Twitter feed knew that The Uncools actually took a trip West to explore this beautiful and diverse land of ours, to create memories that will last a lifetime, and to show our children what makes America the best dang country in the world without true universal health care! (Take that Bahrain … wherever the heck you are.)

So, just where did we go?

A Girl and Her (First) Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 12:45:00 +0000

While I wipe the still occasional snot stream from Murphy’s recovering nose before bathing him in medicated shampoo to ease the itching of his latest relapse of that bizarre autoimmune disease making him bald, my mind sometimes wanders back to the days when I owned an equally loveable dog who wasn’t quite so ~~defective~~ ~~expensive~~ needy in the health department.

So of late, I think of our first dog, Kiner.

We had Kiner, another yellow Lab, for about two years before his spoiled world of endless games of catch and pig ears was invaded by Li’l Diva’s arrival. One of the most frequently asked questions My Love and I would get about bringing up baby was not about diaper cream (Dr. Smith's), projectile vomiting (only once ... at a place of former employment – ha!) or strained peas (eeewww). It was:

Tips for the Boy Appreciated

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:40:00 +0000

Excitable, formerly known as Thing 2 to you old-school “Uncool” types, hits double digits in a month.

The big 1-0.

Dear Lord, I’m frickin’ OLD!

But this is not about me. It’s about him.

On his 6th birthday, I offered him a mess of life lessons on this blog. Hence, four years later, I’m tapped out. Drained. Spent. Pffffffft.

Here and at DadCentric yesterday, I asked readers to give my boy some advice for his 10th year on Earth and (cue cavernous echo effect) BEEEEE-YOOOOOoooond.

So pass on your words of wisdom to the boy in the comments. He probably won’t heed them, but he doesn’t listen much to me either these days.

Go on. I dares ya!

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Spread your “Uncool” love – tweet, like, etc. using one or more of the social bookmark buttons below or in your feed reader. Thanks!

Some Dads Quietly Have It All. Thanks.

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 13:05:00 +0000

This DadCentric piece I wrote last week is especially appropriate because it is the day before the tax filing deadline. I’m sure my dad will be franticly cranking out his clients’ returns late into tonight and tomorrow night. – Un.

I once worked with a person who claimed to be an action hero -- SuperWoman, to be exact.

She wrote a newspaper column about social issues facing women balancing career, husband and kids. Many weeks, her writing boiled down to one point: only working mothers know the burden that comes with this attempt at, in her generation's words, "having it all."

I didn't wholly buy into her premise then when I was a single, childless guy in my 20s and I really don't now as a 40-something father of two. But I won't speak for my entire gender, as she purported to do. I will only speak from my experience. I will speak of my father.

Continue reading at DadCentric >>

The Fatherhood Trifecta

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 12:40:00 +0000

A recurring topic among us in the “dad blogger community” is our general lack of community.

Unlike the many, many moms of the blogosphere, we generally lack “tribes” and “support groups” and other generalized labels to put in “quotation marks.” We rarely rally together, quickly or intimately, for better or worse, in real life or the digital one, like our feminine counterparts in this parenting gig.

Some say it’s society. Some say it’s genetics. Being guys, most of us just say, “Whatever.”

David of It’s Not a Lecture wants to change that. He’s attempting to get at least one father in each of the 50 states (plus Washington, D.C., and Puerto Rico because he’s the inclusive type) to write “a simple blog post” that describes three things they love about being a father under the Twitter/blog banner of #DadsLove.

The first post, which he wrote, went up Wednesday, and I have this to say: simple, my paper-thonged butt. Check out David’s little slices o’ wisdom.

So, fellow parenting dudes (and dudettes without whom we wouldn’t be here), I’m here to represent the little utility infielder of the Northeast – Connecticut.

Here goes:

Not Just for Happy Hour Anymore

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:05:00 +0000

I’m sorry this photo is so fuzzy … … but Li’l Diva only had time to down one eye-opener before she took it.

"Dance Moms" Lacks Dads: Thank Heaven or WTF?

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 13:05:00 +0000

Despite all the complaining we dads do about our being portrayed by the media and entertainment industries as inept or uninvolved, we really should be thankful.

After all, we could have our own reality show on the Lifetime network proving it.

Of late, my tweenage daughter Li’l Diva(formerly known to all you as Thing 1) has been subjecting me to DVR marathons of her two favorite shows: Toddlers and Tiaras and Dance Moms. We've had a few talks about the kid, in particular -- young girl, exploitation on both of these ratings winners and, despite that recent F in Spanish, my daughter is bright enough to recognize the ridiculousness and evil extremes shown on these shows. She has been sucked into the cartoonish over-the-top drama of all overbearing moronic adults (um, nearly all mothers -- just stating the facts) and nothing more, she says.

"So how do you think I would do if I was on Dance Moms," I asked, which is apropos because she has been taking dance for the past 7 years. For first several of them, I'd hang out with the estrogen set during lessons, mostly drinking coffee and reading the newspaper because they would never talk to me. Must have been my cooties.

"You wouldn't last," she said. "You get mad too easily. You'd be angry at the teacher and the other moms and you'd pull me out of there pretty fast."

So wise, my daughter. If only she'd rinse her plates and put them in the dishwasher, she'd be perfect.

Whenever I've watched Dance Moms with her, my reaction to said moms constantly bitchin' and moanin' about the dance teacher's constant bitchin' and moanin', the questionable taste in costumes and routines, the apparent favoritism, and the snarky backstabbing and sniping at each has been the same:

Continue reading this post at DadCentric >>

Take Me Out to the …

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 04:01:00 +0000

Forecast: Hangover and Heartaches Ahead

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 04:01:00 +0000

I plan to have a hangover tomorrow morning.

The type of hangover depends completely on how the Mets fare today — Opening Day of baseball season 2012.

If they win, it’ll be that giddy, just-fell-in-love kind of light-headedness.

If they lose, it’ll be your typical one of misery, regret and heartache. The kind we Mets fans are likely to become accustomed to game after game this year.

Sports prognosticators almost universally have picked my Mets to finish dead last in 2012. And not in an endearingly inept manner, as their inaugural team of has-beens and never-would-bes were 50 years ago under the guidance of the legendary Casey Stengel, who was known to nod off in the dugout. No – they are expected to land in the cellar with the loud, ugly thud of sub-mediocrity.

So, Ye Baseball Gods above, today we supporters of the Orange and Blue pray …

“I know you know that you're an April Fool”

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 16:30:00 +0000

My shenanigan for today is to offer you a refuge from the usual April 1 hijinks. Seriously.

Song/video: “April Fool,” Ronnie Lane

If you enjoyed the tune, there’s an excellent BBC documentary on the artist, the late Ronnie Lane (whose birthday is today, hence the song), available in six parts on YouTube called The Passing Show. Talented musician who had a long streak of bad luck, personally and professionally, but a poet’s soul and a minstrel’s heart.

I wanted to post a video of his most famous song with The Faces but frickin’ YouTube blocks the embedding, so instead here’s the link to “Ooh La La.”

11 Of The Many Things You’ll Regret Knowing About Me

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 13:15:00 +0000

We are not above doing the occasional Internet meme here at Uncool Enterprises but we will employ the royal “we” to class it up a bit.

Today’s Fill ‘er Friday comes courtesy of the wackiest redhead with a high-heel fixation in the blogosphere, A Daft Scots Lass.

She gave me a list of 11 questions to answer, so here goes:

1. Why do you “put your two cents in” when it is only “a penny for your thoughts”? What happens to the other penny?

It goes in the tray next to the cash register for those with no sense at all.

2. Pen or pencil and why.

Pen because I stand by my mistakes. Such as sporting a mustache.

3. What is your favorite Disney character and why?

Bloody Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 13:27:00 +0000

It started with a simple runny nose.

A Claritin here, a Zyrtec there, Benadryl everywhere and all will be fine in a couple of weeks, so I thought.

Then the sneeze.

A quarter-size red bubble on the white tile floor.

Off to the doctor we went.

Not my doctor.

My dog’s.

All you need to know about a dog having blood come from its nose is this: It is never good.

Dads are Capable Parents, Too

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 01:00:00 +0000

While I’m polishing my next epic, I thought you might enjoy my “final” word on the Dad 2.0 Summit, which appeared last week in my hometown newspaper column.

Bits at the start and end first appeared on DadCentric, but the bulk is new and fleshed out for non-blogger mass consumption. If nothing else, the writer types among you may enjoy seeing the evolutionary twists, turns, adds, deletes and punching up done in the never-ending battle I wage on writing every time I sit in front of the keyboard. Cheers!

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The only adult male this at-home dad hangs with on a regular basis is his dog, though, if not for fences, my best friend would most likely spend all his time canoodling with the cute beagle next door.

Naturally then, I had some trepidation about being corralled for three days in Texas recently at a conference with 200 other fathers.

Were we going to the woods to beat drums? Do primal scream therapy? Whine endlessly about how our dads did or didn't treat us as kids? Not at all.

The inaugural Dad 2.0 Summit in Austin gathered bloggers of the paternal persuasion to discuss with each other, marketers and social media mavens the role of the modern father.

We also gathered to drink beer, a statement based not on stereotype but on my credit card receipts.

Fill ‘er Friday: Removing ‘Blah’ from Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 04:01:00 +0000

The recent passing of my blogiversary has gotten me thinking about my early days in this racket.

You remember those simpler times.

Before we personal bloggers all signed lucrative contracts to endorse personal hygiene products, received book deals to reprint our Tweets (with sequels on our Instagram streams and Facebook status updates), and became stars of TLC shows that failed miserably because – face it – we’re pretty boring in reality. That’s why we all entered rehab: to regain our mojo, our qi … and our audiences (wink, wink).

We had pointless memes. Spread around silly blog awards like venereal diseases. Yes, life was blog carnival.

Now it’s all melancholy word masturbation, competition and denial, moaning and whining. It’s like the worst of NPR but without the pleasure of being hit up for money in between stories about the obscure 17th fingerpainters without thumbs and the sexualization of Thanksgiving turkeys.

High time we who are still plugging away at this took the “blah” out of blogging.

For the next few weeks (or at least until I run out material or get lazy again), I’m going to dedicate Fridays to returning some of the goofy spirit of 2008 to the blogosphere.

Welcome to FILL ‘ER FRIDAYS!

Here we go …

Fight or Flight

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 04:01:00 +0000

After several hours of Googling coding freebies then typing then re-coding the re-re-coding and banging my head on the keyboard, the latter often resulting in better work than when using these mitts of concrete at the end of my arms, I stood up and sighed.

Walk it off, clear your head, I yelled at myself internally because doing so aloud when you work by yourself is just loony.

I pushed back my chair and stood with a creak-creak here and a Mother-Fletcher-I’m-old there.

I looked out the sliding glass door, lost.

That’s when I saw him.

Indecision Keeps Me Here

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 04:30:00 +0000

Somewhere around my second Tropical Sunrise Margarita at the airport Chili’s Too last Sunday morning (um, I was in the Central Time Zone – it was well past several minutes past noon back home) a milestone passed.

I entered my ~~third~~ fourth year of blogging.

You weren’t the only one who forgot. I did, too.

So Happy Blogiversary to me.

To celebrate, since some of us obviously forgot the cake and presents (a-HEM!), I did a little renovation. If you’re reading this via a reader or Facebook, come on over to the blog and check it out.

Surviving (and Recapping) the Dad 2.0 Summit

noreply@blogger.com (Always Home and Uncool) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 04:01:00 +0000

The air thickened with conspiracies to prevent me from attending the Dad 2.0 Summit last week.

There was My Love’s first business trip in a year, a 10-day behemoth to Berlin that overlapped with half of my Austin adventure.

But my sister agreed to look after the Things and Murphy and all their medications and appointments for me.

There was American Airlines continuing its long history of delaying nearly every flight I’ve ever taken between Dallas and New York. We were 90 minutes late this time, forcing me to miss the registration. And curse a lot.

However, a conference staffer agreed to run back to the storeroom and dig out my badge so I could get into the opening night party.

Oh, there was more.

Yet once inside, it was all good.

Real good.

Go over to DadCentric for the deets, a rare group post by me and two of my colleagues, titled: Dad 2.0 Summit in a Nutshell (by 3 Nuts with Nuts). I promise you’ll like it. And that I’ll never again say “deets.”

Here’s some stuff I left out: