The longer I live in this planet…the more I’m convinced I’m an alien! LOL

Should I stop thinking and write about ponies and rainbows instead?…Nah!

With my Netbook as my weapon; my IP as my horse; Seredyn as my trusted sidekick, and the blessings of the warm weather coming from above, I shall roam the digital land in search of a destiny, while preaching the message given to me by my deviating mind and my confusing thoughts! LOL

Raul

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Between the ages of fifteen and eighteen I got in my head this strange idea that came from nowhere: At some point in my life I would meet a very sweet girl who would become my other half.

She would be about four inches shorter than me and would have a slim body. With an angular face, a straight, fine nose shape, and slightly slanted eyes. She would have a tanned skin and dark hair and eyes. Her manner would be very smooth and would have a very sweet voice, yet she would be very tough and ready to take the world and life on her own.

A little later, while visiting an aunt, in the conversation I heard her name (which I already knew), but this time her name had a special ring in it, and I knew at that moment that it was also the name of the girl I would meet someday: Silvia.

By the time I was nineteen I met this shy girl and fell in love with her, and a year and a half later, when I reached my 21, we got married.

She didn’t have any of the characteristics of the girl in my head (physical and of personality) and the name was different, but it didn’t really matter since the girl in my head was just that…a girl in my head…my imagination…the works of my solitary years dreaming of finding someone to love and be loved.

Marriage didn’t go well but we remained together and I didn’t divorce; first trying to fix things, then to be there for our son, and later, after already more than 25 years married, mostly because it seemed sort of too late to start a new life. I wasn’t happy, but it was just the way things were.

A couple of years ago, when I was still working delivering papers, a new carrier arrived to the warehouse. A beautiful girl with a very model-like way of walking, showing confidence and skill as she moved within the warehouse. She had a very sweet voice and manners, and was always smiling and being nice to everyone. She looked somehow fragile, yet she was strong and doing her job without asking for anybody’s help.

At that moment I didn’t remember my strange idea, and just enjoyed (from a distance) her beauty, without talking or even saying “hi” to her. It was several months later that I learned her name: Silvia. I was shocked! At that moment it came to my mind the memories of that strange idea that I got so many years before (more than twenty five!) and that I didn’t relate at first.

At that point, after so many years holding the concept of not getting involved with another woman, no matter how bad my marriage could go, became obsolete in the presence of this beautiful girl.

But she was so young! It couldn’t be her; besides, I don’t believe in destiny. Still, after another several months I put together the courage and started to talk with her, trying to know more who she was, and with the idea of trying to prove to myself that destiny doesn’t exist, and this girl wasn’t the girl in my memories.

To my surprise she was ten years younger than me, and not twenty or more, as I thought first, based in her looks. Her beauty and manners were as I saw in my mind so many years ago, and through the conversation I learned that, even though she was so sweet and gentle, she lived alone, taking care of her house without the help of anybody, and was delivering papers at three o’clock in the morning in solitary areas without fears of being attacked or robed. She just carried a baseball bat in case she had to defend herself from any danger.

By the way; the girl in the picture at the beginning of this post is Silvia! I just google her name one day and found this picture (and others) that were posted by the company she works at, when she received some awards for her work.

My heart couldn’t contain more joy at the moment, while my mind couldn’t become more confused at the same time. Was it just a crazy thought in my mind, based in the loneliness I had? Or does destiny really exist?

I never cheated on my wife, but this time I did invite this girl out since after all…she was a special one! But then the internal battle: Should I go ahead and do what is so common in society, yet goes against my principles, and cheat on my wife? Or should I fix the marriage problems once and for all and finish the whole by concreting the so long dreamed divorce?

But what if it was just an idea in my head and this girl just a coincidence? After all any idea in my head would have to come from what does exist in society, and after so many years seeing so many people, the chances to encounter someone that would fit the images in my mind would have to appear.

Still, I fell in love with her! And for the first time after so many years I could feel butterflies in my stomach again when listening to her sweet voice. A couple of times meeting for coffee and conversation, and then hours going by in my vehicle talking about whatever came to mind.

At that time I didn’t know I was an Aspie and the characteristics an Aspie has, so I couldn’t read her signals, and the doubts of making a mistake that could make her mad at me and not wanting to see me again prevented me from advancing to a more intimate relation. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour trying to discover if she was just tired (she had two jobs) or trying to tell me something when she reclined in the passenger seat of my vehicle, smiled and looked at me in the eyes while we were talking. I just didn’t want to make a stupid mistake, and I didn’t see her as just a possibility to get laid since I also respected her.

It was a magic time of butterflies in my stomach, and doubts and confusions about what was really happening and what should I do. That was the reason for weird posts like “Butterflies” and “Dead Butterflies” talking about Silvia; and posts like “The Long Trail”; “Renewing the Car” and “Caged Bird” talking about if I should divorce, and the feelings in my marriage in general; and posts like “So Tired”, “Creature One” and “Human Interconnection” trying to describe the feelings after so many years in a barren relationship.

I believe after a while she got tired of me for not taking a decision and wanted not to see each other anymore. That was the last time I saw her, now a couple of years ago. I still have her address, her phone number and her email address, but I only sent her an email a couple of time for New Year, her birthday and a Valentine’s Day. I haven’t gone back to her house (I’m not a stalker) and I haven’t called her on the phone, and no more email.

Perhaps because we drifted apart I could say that it was just a coincidence and nothing else, but I still have her in my memories for the sweetness experienced in my heart for a brief moment in the past thirty years, and the somehow secret hope that maybe someday our paths might cross again, even if it is just to see her once more and say hi, to then never see her ever again.

You might be wondering why am I telling you all this, that seems to be part of a private life. The reason is that I just had to get it out of my chest, and there’s no one else I can tell. Thank you for visiting my blog!

Raul

Let’s see…it is said that math is everywhere and in everything. I know that for sure since subtraction is always present in my paychecks, while addition is always present in my payments.

Then division is an integral part of relationships and multiplication seems to be the essence of stress.

And as soon as life advance in the body, the more complex calculations are part of the process, leaving the mind occupied with calculus of the like, in an incremental sequence that strongly resembles a geometric progression.

Being good at number’s math is not so difficult, but dealing with life’s math is another equation! LOL

Raul

Right now I’m in the parking lot waiting for the time to start my job. Since my biggest problem with Asperger’s is dealing with people, my job, implying working with others, is perhaps the most difficult part of my everyday life. It is not the work itself, but having to work with others. If I had the chance to work completely alone it’ll be just perfect!

For that reason some time ago I started experimenting with different kind of pills to control anxiety and finally opted for Zyban once a day to control general anxiety, and Seredyn as needed to control excessive anxiety. While Zyban gives me a metallic taste in my mouth most of the time, and also somehow activates my brain at sleeping time making me dream very vivid and more often, it is a very good trade for the tranquility I get in exchange. At the other hand, Seredyn seems to work in a very unpredictable way. Some times it takes a couple of hours to start making effect, and some others it just takes ten minutes, but it’s a very strong aid to keep calmed and relaxed.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I just took two pills of Seredyn before starting work (I always do that to be relaxed before having to deal with people), and this time the pills made effect at once, throwing me in a state of being “high”, so I thought I should write about this to let people know one of the elements that are common in an Aspie life, which is dealing with anxiety when interacting with others…while for others dealing with people is a natural thing.

Several times I’ve questioned myself if it is right to be “High” at work in order to be relaxed and prevent anxiety and depression (the two ghosts that follow almost every aspie in the world). It could seem like I’m doing something wrong, but I know it is not illegal drugs and it is not because I like it, but rather because I need it in order not to blow up with sensory overload and mostly, with getting extremely mad at people’s normal ways.

So while I’m writing this I’m feeling very high and everything moves slowly around me, and I’ve been in this same situation several times at work, which leads me to think in the two sides of the coin in this particular situation.

Being high; seeing how everything moves slowly around; being careful when walking so not to trip and fall; focusing the eyes to the work in front to do things properly, while smiling at people’s jokes around and somehow feeling part of the group, and even daring to participate and throw a joke myself to make other people laugh, and not worrying if they like or understand the joke or not.

Or being honest; oneself; clean; no drugs or external chemical aids, and living and somehow feeling like a rabbit surrounded by foxes when dealing with people. Keeping the brain at a thousand miles an hour trying to decipher if what was said was a joke, an insult, a sarcastic comment, a friendly remark, or who knows what else. Thinking ways to talk, words to say, discarding them for not appropriate or just because they don’t seem to be right, so trying to find others, and feeling how time goes by and nothing has been said, so desperation takes home and the brain doesn’t respond anymore, to quickly fall into the feeling of being different, an outsider, an intruder, so wanting to run away and hide.

I have made my mind, I’m using these pills, even if they get me high, and even if they cost me my job at some point, I’ve spent the first 50 years of my life immersed in anxiety and depression and I can tell you…it’s not fun at all!

With these pills I can not only go through the process of dealing with people, but also I even enjoy it! It is such a different kind of life; but without the pills it wouldn’t be life at all.

Raul

About a week ago I went to see a Queensryche show here in Denver. This band plays progressive heavy metal rock, and was very popular in the 80’s Perhaps the main characteristic was the strong voice of the singer that used to resemble opera. I say used to because although the sound is somehow still there, the voice is no more. It was sort of frustrating to see this band with the original singer without voice anymore, and the sounds and energy of the songs very reduced, but at the other hand it was very emotional for me to be there and see them live, even if it was at their dusk.

What happens is, in the 80’s I was in my 20’s and living in my country (Chile), so if you consider, a South American country at the time that no internet or cell phone existed, all these bands were known by their songs played in the radio, and very seldom there was the chance to see a music video. The only information you could get was by one picture and about five lines of text in a magazine, so you read it a thousand times as to trying to get every possible drop of information out of it. Those bands were like mystics things you knew existed but would never had a chance to see. Europe and the United States were like other planets in a faraway galaxy that could not be reached in a lifetime.

About 30 years later I have the chance to go to a show of one of those bands, and even though a few of them are not even the shadow of what they used to be, for me still it is very emotional to have them in front, playing their music, the same I grew up with.

When in the middle of the concert, I tend to see around at the people congregated for the show and it seems so strange when thinking that probably most of them (being about my same age) did see the band 20 years ago when they and the band were young. At that moment I can’t avoid feeling somehow like a visitor from another planet who is seeing things for the first time, and is walking among those who have a long time connection between them.

At one hand is that strange feeling of not pertaining to the whole scene around, and at the other is the emotional feeling of having in front one of the bands that I’ve been listening to their music for such a long time, but never before had the chance to see live, so feeling like I did travel to another planet after all!

So far I had the chance to see shows from Rush, Iron Maiden, Brit Floyd, Reo Speedwagon, Stix, and now Queensryche, and I keep an eye in who is coming next to try and get there to see live some of those extraterrestrial beings I knew existed in some faraway galaxy but never had the chance before to be in one of their shows.

Life has so many turns!

Raul

Since I was a child, and for the past 45 years, I had this strange feeling that my life would change in a radical way by the time I reached my 50’s birthday. I didn’t know in which way, but I felt that it’ll be a good change…a change for the better.

Naturally when we think of a positive change in life we tend to think in terms of what we are living at the moment. If we are drowning in debt we might think the change could be a better paid job, or even winning the lottery. If we are dreaming of more living space it could be a bigger house. Even if we are in a very complicated relationship maybe the change could be divorce and a new life as a single again.

In my case I thought it’ll be something related with income. Since I’ve been a little complicated with meeting ends, for me money has become an important element to have in order to live less worried about ends and having the chance to enjoy spare time in more interesting activities, in other words, money has become a symbol of freedom.

Well, by my 49’s birthday I didn’t win the lottery (which I never play; no wonder why I never win) but I did land a very good job with nice pay and benefits, so it has given me the freedom of being able to concentrate in other things instead of thinking all the times how to get more money. That could be the big change I was expecting, but even though it has been a very good thing for me, perhaps the real change came in an unexpected way.

By the same time (actually one month earlier) I discovered that I have Aspergers, and the sky came down crushing me!

In a very brief explanation: Very early in life I discovered that I was different from other kids and that I couldn’t socialize like the others. With this the whole growing process became different and frustrating when not being able to have a place in society. So always was the thought and hope of finding the reason and the “technical” differences in order to create a change in me, so to become “normal” and have a normal life.

When I discovered that I have Aspergers, at first it was a big relief by finally finding the reason why of the differences, but soon frustration took place when realizing that no changes could be made. My brain is wired in a different way and I cannot change that. So I entered a deep depression that lasted about six months because it seemed there was no reason to keep going (I even stopped blogging for a year and a half, remember?). My trusted sidekicks of always -anxiety and depression- eclipsed the world around and nothing of value in life could be seen to grab as a floating device to sort the chaotic feelings dancing in my head. Honestly, there was no reason to keep on living. I was a freak, a mistake of nature, so I shouldn’t be here, and my son, without knowing it, saved my life once more, just like he had done about twenty times before.

After the initial six months of depression, it took me another year to go through the other states of mind: Rage; bitter resignation; sadness, and finally positive expectations. And it was in this last state when I started experimenting with pills to control anxiety and paid more attention to the differences from a positive perspective, seeing the good rather than the bad. So a couple of months after my 50’s birthday I started to feel happy with being an aspie because of the positive differences, and conditioned my mind to slowly but surely discard the bad feelings for the negative differences, the handicaps I have because of Aspergers.

Looking back now to those months of bitter feelings while being in a happier state than ever before, I can think the expected big change by my 50’s birthday was the discovery of my real mind and its different capabilities. Although I will never be able to socialize as a normal person; I will never understand from heart people’s behavior, and only by logic I can “dissect” the mechanicals of their motives and reactions, in exchange I have a CAD program in my head that has been very useful in most of my activities; I can go by mechanical logic when needed, and still have a very sensitive heart and body that, although need protection all the time, still allows me to enjoy intensely little things that most people cannot even see.

For those reasons now I feel happier than ever and resolved to start experimenting in physical life all the things that always had postponed by never being the “right time”. Not only I accept being an Aspie but I enjoy it and now would never trade it for becoming normal. That’s why I turned this blog into an Aspie blog, so to let people know about what Asperger is from the point of view of an “insider”, and reject the classification of having a “condition”. I don’t have a condition; I am a normal person with a place in a more extreme point in the scale. I am not a freak, and if I have a reason to be in life or not will depend in what I can do from now on, and I’m planning to spend the rest of my life experimenting, analyzing and enjoying all I can.

In short, the big change I was expecting by my 50’s birthday did occur, and although it implied a very complicated process, it was a very positive one that has changed my life for the better.

Raul
(A Proud Aspie)

FICTION

There are still some lights on at night. Electricity keeps flowing and some of the street lights remain working after all these years. It is so easy to get confused by them, even now, after so many times of renewing the hopes of somebody else out there, just to find out later that I’m the only one left.

Grey darkness prevailing most of the day, and warm, quiet nights when only the breeze can be heard. Even wildlife is gone, leaving silence as the remainder of all the missing elements that were once part of the whole, and that now has become just a memory in the mind of the only one that still roams around in search of a hope.

A private planet is what it has become; a grave world. The place where only memories live since everything else is gone. A blinding flash of light at noon and then all life is lost, vanished; leaving just the inanimate, material part of the whole. One hand to cover the face from the sudden light, the blindness for a moment, and then the mystery of being the only one left behind to search for another and all the others that are no more.

Is it real? Is it some sort of a punishment for the survivor, or the others that are now gone? Why only the material possessions remain but all life is not? Is it a lesson for the survivor to teach him the value of all the others with whom he could never get along? Or maybe a lesson for the others, who gave so much importance to the material, to the point that they themselves became discarded over what they used to value the most? How should I know!

So now, after so many hopes when searching those lights for another one left behind, and never finding life but just material elements still working on their own, the simple contentment of watching from a distance and dreaming that they must be there, continuing their party of so long.

Maybe the flash of light will come back some day, bringing back all of those that are now gone. Maybe they will reappear like by magic by means that I don’t know. Maybe this whole situation of years now is just a nightmare that by tomorrow morning will be no more. Or maybe tomorrow morning it’ll be yet another silent day in this strange grave world.

Alien Ghost

Stopping the brain from working; how can anyone do that?

Since being a child the problem has been the same. Now, as an adult, the problem persists: A brain that doesn’t stop working with thoughts. Always there is something in my mind moving, re-shaping…morphing into a new form.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying those thought have always a value; in fact, most of the times they are just runaway thoughts that mean nothing and go nowhere. But they are there; always using brain space and energy!

It just seems so incredible for me when I see someone looking at the infinite, and when asking what is in his/her mind, the answer is: “Nothing” And after some questions about the moment of looking at the infinite, the answers really note that the person has a blank mind with no thoughts at all.

After so many years and so many times asking to different people, I can see that clearly there is a time and moment when most people can enter a sort of trance state and simply stop thoughts completely, and most of the times without even trying to reach that point. Just by getting lost in an image through a window or a wall in front, most people seem to have the capability to stop the brain from working and simply allow the time go by in a completely motionless moment of mental and physical inactivity.

Now, when I say no brain activity I mean human thoughts, or at least images going through. Obviously the brain never stops working since it has so much to do with keeping up automated breathing and heart pit, and so many other bodily functions required to just stay alive. If there was absolutely no brain activity at all then the body would be dead!

It is really intriguing for me since, as I mentioned above, I’ve never been able to do that, and even though many times the thoughts are just random images that re-shape continually without direction or purpose, still they are there all the time.

The point is, there is always a thought going on, and never a moment of rest for the brain from moving. It can be a question about something that has to be done and I don’t know how; it can be about decisions that have to be made and there is the need to collect more information before such decision can be taken properly; it can be something like the curiosity of what happens in a specific situation when a specific action occurs; it can be a jumping memory of a bad moment the day before, etc.

Honestly, sometimes I feel a sort of envy of those people who can simply stop their brain from working for a while and let the time go by while being in a sort of stand by mode. It seems to be so refreshing as a moment of rest for the brain and the mind!

Do you have those moments of getting lost without thoughts while looking at a wall or a window? If so, tell me how it is and how does it feel.

Raul

A statue that moves, walk around, and some times even talk; granite face that learned long ago that some movements must be made in order to reflect and support the words just said by a slight twitch of the nose, a movement from the lips, or a frown. Gestures from the hands and arms that follow the words as if coloring them to enhance their intensity and provide a deeper meaning of what the words alone can carry.

No, no…I cannot have my hands in my pockets and talk in a single, flat tone, while keeping my face static by considering that just the meaning of the words would be enough to communicate the thought dancing in my head. The intensity of my feelings are fine inside me, and those feelings can be expressed to the outside world with words alone that together explain and draw the feeling itself, and that is fine for me, but not for them!

They need the whole orchestra playing at the same time since they don’t go by just the meaning of the words. Some times the meaning of the words is not even real but the whole play what gives the real thought or idea transmitted in what is too simplistically called a talk.

It is so difficult to understand why if we have a language with words carrying specific meanings, and rules to organize those words in a coherent phrase that will easier and clearly transmit a thought, we have to learn to use the whole orchestration of hands and arm gestures, complete body language and face configurations in order to “properly” communicate something that could be easily interpreted by the specific meaning of words, without the possibility of misinterpretation by the forced task of having to read so many elements that haven’t been really classified and taught to be used as part of the communication system among humans, and that each one learns on his/her own, creating with it the strong possibility of misinterpretations.

In that sense, it is such a marvel a written language where the reader is “forced” to go by the meaning of the words alone and only a second, subjective meaning can be added by the context of the phrase, but in the writing process can still be under control. There are a lot less possibilities of misinterpretations due to the wrong reading of faces, gestures and general body language since all those simply don’t exist. No wonder why I love to write but hate to talk!

It becomes even funny when you think of it: I cannot read the whole orchestration of sounds and movements that are part of the meaning in their communication beside the words, since I go by the meaning of the words and for me the rest is just “static noise”, so many times I get the wrong interpretation of what they said; and they have no orchestration to read from my expressionless face and voice tone, which they clearly need in order to find an interpretation to my words, other than the straight meaning carried by them. No wonder why we aspies feel so identified with the expression: “Wrong Planet”.

It is not in the intention of obtaining sympathy but simply a description of the situation. When you analyze the differences in the ways and requirements for communication between Aspies and NT’s (Neuro Typicals = normal people = You), it is clear that, even though the language might be the same, the way of communication is different, and with it creates a separation of people (them and us), and since the majority of people are NT (normal), and this society and civilization is run by them, we aspies tend to feel out of place.

Our way of communication is not yet accepted but instead we suppose to do therapy to learn how to communicate in a “normal” way, which creates a feeling of alienation in us. From people’s perspective they are right, but from our perspective they are wrong. Why should we talk? In another post I’ll explain you why small talk and most of the ways of socialization just don’t make any sense for us.

In the mean time, and until a common ground of understanding is achieved, the feeling remains: There must be another place where the norm is how we communicate! We were born in the wrong planet!

“My apologies…I just landed in the wrong planet. Now…If I knew how to leave”!

Come on Spock…take me home please! LOL

Raul
(Alien Ghost)

Let’s take a group of men and women from different nationalities, different languages and different religions.

Let’s put them in a remote place where there’s no civilization close by.

Let’s leave them there with no equipment, no tools, no supplies, and even no clothing.

What do we have?

They all look the same; have the same type of body with just a slight difference in skin and eyes color, and maybe some difference in eye shapes.

There are no main differences.

They will need food and shelter to survive, so they will have to hunt and either build something or find a natural shelter like a cave.

They cannot talk to each other using a language since they speak different ones and don’t know the languages the others speak, so they have to rely on gestures and imitation of natural sounds.

Let’s assume one of them sees a deer going by and realizes the possibility of getting food and some protection from the elements with the skin of the animal.

He would probably start signaling the others about the deer, so they can go hunting. They will realize the presence of the animal and see the possibilities.

Most probably they will use hand signals to direct each other to surround the deer and attack it with rocks and sticks.

If they do not succeed at first (which is the most probably outcome) they will organize better for the next opportunity.

After a while and with a better knowledge of each one’s performance in those situation, using hand signals they probably will select a leader to follow, creating a form of organization.

My point is that, without the technology and civilization we have today, we are no different from cavemen, and even more important, without our civilization, we are no different from each other. Races do not matter until we create differences by language, religion and customs.

All this is very nice to think that we are equal and should behave as brothers and sisters, but there is also the other side of the coin.

While we might be the same and no different from cavemen, what would happen if we bring, let’s say, Cro-Magnon men to this civilization?

If we teach them the language and several skills like driving, shopping, dancing, etc, so they can interact in our environment, being cavemen who are bound by the opportunity of hunting and stuffing themselves when a good piece is catch, mostly because of knowing it may be many days before the next one is available for feeding, wouldn’t they eat all they can, drive with madness sometimes with a sense of opportunism? Even vote for a candidate that promise what’s more important for them rather than the whole?

My point is; do we have a civilization? Or just lots of technology and creature comforts that, although it gives us a different kind of life that the one our ancestors had, does nothing to change us from the origins?

Just another crazy thought!

Raul