Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time...

The Stages of Deployment

2013-05-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

With my husband being gone, I experience all kinds of emotions. These are some of them.

Sadness.

It’s lonely at night. Is that a ghost in the corner? Watching Family Guy isn’t the same without my husband. Making crude comments isn’t as enjoyable alone. Wahh. I need some Chocolate Therapy from Ben and Jerry's, stat. I’m going to gain weight but I don’t care. Food comforts me. Yes, Dr. Phil, I eat my feelings, what of it?

Anger.

Freaking military. Why do they send people with families away? Why not send the single ones? It’s not right to let small children go without their fathers for so long. It can be DAMAGING to their growing tiny minds. I swear, if my kids wind up in therapy because they missed their daddy, I’m not going to be happy.

At least you get down time, Tom. You get to watch movies and rest in your room without children racing around, demanding things. Yes, you’ll argue that some troops behave like children but at least they don’t follow you into the bathroom and demand things while you’re trying to have a wee. This is hard. Yes, I do get down time when the kids are in school but summer is here. That's gone now. They are with me ALL THE TIME.

Freak Outs.

Why hasn’t he called? Is he okay? What if he’s not okay? What if he’s hurt? What if he’s alone? If he’s missing a leg, I’ll love him anyway. If any part of him ever gets blasted off, I’ll love him anyway. Where is he though?

Sadness. (Again. This comes and goes.)

Alll by myself. Don’t wanna be…all by myself. Sorry to the family I stared at intently at the park. It’s just, I’m jealous that your husband is with you. Helping you. Laughing with you. I won’t see mine again for a long time. Sorry though. I’ll try not to stare next time.

Acceptance.

Well. At least it means I won’t have to shave for awhile. And I can watch whatever show I want. The remote control is mine. If I don’t want to cook, I don’t have to. I mean, I have to make something for the kids, but that’s simple. Kid Cuisines become my best friend. If I want a doughtnut for dinner, I can have it. I won’t have to worry about Tom going, “What am I going to eat then?” The house can stay dirty. I mean, not Hoarders dirty, but not as clean as it usually is when he’s home. I can read in bed. I can bend over and not have someone rush over and hump against my butt (I swear, men must sense when a woman is bending over…) (Although, to be honest, I’m even starting to miss that…)

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Bad Weather

2013-05-23T07:00:00.000-06:00

There’s a chance we could have another tornado today.

It’s a small chance, but one nonetheless.

Oklahoma, as many of you know, was hit hard a couple of days ago, not just once, but twice.

It does not need another tornado.

Yes, it’s how Oklahoma goes during tornado season but I’m hoping—everyone here is hoping—that the state will catch a break. Tornado season is not over yet but maybe, maybe there won’t be anymore destructive tornadoes.

Please keep the weather tame, as people are still going through the debris, hoping to find something, anything, that they can possibly save. People are trying to clean up the mess the tornado left behind. It’s thought that the tornado caused 2 billion in damages.

Continue to keep Oklahoma in your thoughts.

Hope for calm weather.

(And since this is Things That Annoy Me Thursday, I have to say, it irritates me when I hear about the people who drive to Moore simply to take pictures. If you aren’t helping, stay away. It backs up traffic and makes it difficult for the people who ARE helping or for the people who DO live there to get into the area. The gawkers should be ashamed of themselves.)

Into the Tornado Shelter

2013-05-22T07:00:00.000-06:00

“Who farted? Come on guys, this is an enclosed space!” I yelled, pinching my nose.

“It wasn’t me!” Natalie piped up, covering her own nose.

“It was me,” Tommy admitted, reminding me of Jim Carrey in the movie Liar, Liar as he got off an elevator.

“Why son?” I asked. “Why?” It smelled like the cheese that smells like dirty diapers.

“I couldn’t hold it,” Tommy shrugged.

“Next time, do,” I ordered.

We were in the tornado shelter due to the base sirens going off on Sunday evening. Tornadoes seemed to be forming left and right. I do not like going into the shelter. Bugs live in the shelter. It gets hot in the shelter. PEOPLE FART IN THE SHELTER.

For most of the day, gigantic clouds were forming and Tommy was outside taking photos of them:

“Isn’t this amazing?” he kept saying, because he’s obsessed with weather. “Aren’t the cumulonimbus clouds great?”

“So long as they don’t get dangerous,” I answered.

Then things started to get dangerous.

The base sirens started to go off.

“We need to get into the shelter,” I said, trying to keep calm. I didn’t want to panic the children.

“My dolls! My dresses!” Natalie yelped, running for her room.

“We need to get into the shelter!” I insisted.

“MY DOLLS! MY DRESSES!”

“Natalie, pick one thing. They’ll be fine,” I said. They’d be fine, right? We wouldn’t get hit by a tornado. Right? RIGHT? I longed for my husband. Why did he have to be deployed during tornado season? Oklahoma can get insane during tornado season. He was usually the one who calmed me down. When he wasn’t outside, trying to SPOT the tornado, that is. While we’d be hunkered down in the shelter, he’d be outside and I’d be screaming, “Get in, get in, did you not see the movie Twister WHEN THE DAD GOT SWEPT AWAY?”

Natalie returned with three toys—her Rapunzel, her pony, and the camel her daddy sent her. “They were all scared,” she told me solemnly. “I couldn’t pick one.”

Then we went in the shelter and waited.

Someone farted.

I felt like I wanted to faint.

Sirens went off.

We got to come out. My heart went out to the people of Shawnee who were hit hard.

I hoped that was it for awhile.

No.

Fast forward to Monday. New storms were being reported. I got a phone call from the school saying we could pick up the kids early. I opted to do so to be on the safe side.

And then?

Chaos.

Reports of a tornado forming started and the base alarms went off. We hunkered back into the shelter. Yes, Natalie had to bring toys again. No, Tommy didn’t fart. We stayed there for an hour, because it was thought the tornado was coming right for us. I did not panic. If I panicked, the kids would panic. I could not do that to them. So instead I thought good thoughts. I wished my husband were with us.

Then the alarms turned off.

I found out about the devastation in Moore. Houses were destroyed. Schools were destroyed. People were killed. CHILDREN were killed. This got me the worst.

So please, keep the families in your thoughts and prayers. I am hoping that we’re done with crazy tornadoes but seeing as this is Oklahoma, it’s unlikely…

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday

2013-05-21T06:50:00.000-06:00

Before I posted Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday, I wanted to send my thoughts and prayers out to those in Shawnee and Moore who were hit by a devastating tornado. Sometimes when things like this happens it's hard to be okay with anything, but I am proud of everyone here, who stepped in to help without hesitation. Many soldiers went from work to the debris field to help search for survivors.

I also wanted to thank everyone who checked in on us to make sure we were okay. The tornado hit about 20 minutes from where we live and did NOT come onto the base as predicted. I am so incredibly grateful for that but again, my heart goes out to those in Shawnee and Moore. If you would like to help the tornado victims text REDCROSS to 90999 or go to redcross.org

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To not be ready for the last day of school—which is TODAY. No husband. He’s deployed. My chocolate drawer is well stocked.

To have thought the boneless chicken at KFC was slimy and gross. You know the commercial where they shout “You ate the bones?!” Well, I decided to try it and yuck, never again.

To hate how shows are ending for the season. I will try to watch some summer shows though.

To have been let down while watching the Grey’s Anatomy finale. I thought it would be better.

To have loved the very last episode of The Office. I cried.

To think it’s cool that Tommy got a superlative in the yearbook. Not everyone does. I never did.

Yeah, he’s quiet at school.

My Six Year Old Spelled The Word Clock Wrong...

2013-05-20T07:00:00.000-06:00

It’s been a penis couple of days in my house.

No, that’s not a typo.

Remember how I wrote about Tommy watching the puberty video at school?

Well, on the same day, Natalie had a spelling test.

She spelled the word clock wrong.

I burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Natalie asked.

I swallowed. I couldn’t tell her. “It’s…um….it’s just a beautiful day!” I fibbed. "And that makes me happy!"

Natalie laughed along, none the wiser. “Yeah, that makes me happy too!”

“That’s a bad word. It means penis,” Tommy cut in, staring at the paper.

Oh for—

“Tommy, what do you mean, it’s a feathered bird,” I said, shooting him a Look.

He didn’t catch it. “No, it’s another word for penis. A boy in my class said it and had to sit out in the hall.”

“It means PENIS?” Natalie shrieked. She tossed her head back and cracked up. “Cock, cock, cock!”

“Stop it!” I hissed, shutting the front door. I hoped no one was walking past. Our screen was open. People jog by often. I didn’t want to be known as the penis house.

“Cock, cock, cock!” Natalie continued.

“Cock-a-doodle-do said the rooster,” I insisted. “That’s right, sweetheart!”

“Cock means penis,” Natalie snickered.

We were set to leave for the school carnival. I did not want her sharing this information to her friends. Can you IMAGINE the looks the parents would give me? What are you allowing your children to watch? Well, Family Guy, sometimes, if I'm being completely honest. But they've never repeated a naughty word from the show. I swear!

“Cock means penis,” I pictured Natalie whispering to her friends. And then the word would spread and the principal would have to come over the loudspeaker and go, “Could everyone refrain from using a particular word that rhymes with dock? It is not appropriate in a school setting. Or anywhere.”

Anyway, I’m keeping the spelling test in Natalie’s school book that I have yet to fill out. (I should start on that before I start forgetting teacher names and such…)

Because kid typos are hilarious.

The Unfinished Life of Elizabeth D by Nichole Bernier Winner!

2013-05-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

I did a giveaway for a copy of the book The Unfinished Life of Elizabeth D by Nichole Bernier here.

I used random.org to pick a winner and it chose..

...number 13, which is Emmy.

Congrats!

If you didn't win, try again in the future as I will have more giveaways.

Chick-Fil-A Coupon Winner!

2013-05-19T14:26:00.001-06:00

I did a giveaway for 2 coupons for Chick-Fil-A here.

I used random.org to pick a winner and it chose...

...number 5, which is Tamara Camera.

Congrats!

If you didn't win, I have a giveaway for a copy of the book The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D here.

Countdown to Disney World: Rapunzel and Flynn

2013-05-17T07:00:00.000-06:00

We head to Disney World next month!

Naturally, we are all excited. Yes, it will stink because Tom won’t be with us to enjoy it. But it’s a mini family reunion on his side so I will have help.

I’ve purchased many outfits for the trip. I can’t help it. It’s my weakness. (I should clarify that these outfits are not for ME. They are for my daughter. And I picked some out for my son, but boy clothes are simply not as fun as girl clothes.)

One set of outfits I love?

It took some coaxing to get Tommy in that tunic. He was like, “People will laugh at me!” I insisted that they wouldn’t. I asked if he wouldn’t mind dyeing his hair for the occasion, because Flynn has DARK hair in the movie. I was semi-joking. (Didn’t matter. He refused.)

My little Flynn—well, Eugene Fitzherbert, as Natalie insists on calling him—is all ready for Disney World:

Obviously my little Rapunzel is ready. Has been for years.

She probably will NOT bring the wig with her. This is because it’s going to be HOT in Florida. Note to self: pack a mini fan. I tend to break down when I’m overheated and under caffeinated.

Natalie will NOT wear her Rapunzel dress all day. She says they start to get itchy. So I’ll have a back up outfit ready to go in my backpack. It’ll be like an awards show when we go to Disney World: there will be multiple outfit changes per day. And yes, it’s sad to say that I’ve purchased enough clothes to allow this.

(Tom was like, “How many dresses does one child need?” I changed the subject by flashing him my boobs. Oh, this was via Skype. We weren’t out in public or anything. I am not Courtney Love.)

Yes, we have been to Disney World before. But this was Natalie when we last went:

Yeah. So needless to say, taking her this time will be exciting. My Disney obsessed princess is going to have a blast.

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Changing Merida

2013-05-16T06:49:00.002-06:00

My daughter loves Disney Princesses.

She even had a Merida birthday party.

So I was a little miffed when I read this article

If you don’t want to read it, basically they want to change Merida’s appearance:

It might only be a cartoon character, but NO! NO! NO!

She looks fine the way she is. My daughter loves her the way she is. She loves that Merida is a bit of a tomboy. (Although yes, she would adore the sparkling dress that the “new” Merida has on. She loves anything that sparkles. She and Liberache would have been best friends.)

I get because she’s an official Disney Princess that she has to match up with the other princesses—actually, you know what, I don’t get it. Why does everyone have to look the same? Why can’t one stand out? I like old Merida’s round eyes. I like old Merida’s impish grin. I’d prefer if they kept the “real” Merida.

Anyway, guess what? Right as I was about to post this, I found an article that shows that Disney listened to those who complained!

That’s fantastic! Thank you, Disney! Yay for keeping the real Merida!

I Gave Teachers Chocolate

2013-05-15T07:00:00.002-06:00

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week. (Thank you teachers for all you do!)

A lot of people on my Facebook feed posted these elaborate Pinterest inspired gifts. Shadow boxes, shapes made out of pencils, banners, a “teacher tower” (made from office supplies…)

All were lovely.

But not something that I would ever make. I am a NC (non-crafter) after all.

So what did my children’s teachers get?

Yup.

Chocolate.

Chocolate for all!

Because who doesn’t like chocolate?

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2013-05-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.

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To be excited that we’ll be in Disney World next month! I wish we were rich and could purchase a private tour where we could bypass some crowds but alas, I am not Katie Holmes with Suri.

To have watched Silver Linings Playbook. It was good. I wasn’t sure about the ending though. What did he whisper to her? (I’m not naming names so as not to spoil anything.)

To be happy with the winner of Survivor. The next season looks like it’ll be a good one.

To not want to see The Great Gatsby if hip hop is playing a lot. I heard that Jay Z has a song in it and if it’s going down that route, no thanks. Hip hop is not for me.

To be a little scared that my kids only have a week left of school.

To have two giveaways right now. You can win 2 coupons for a salad at Chick-fil-a here and a book called The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D by Nichole Bernier here.

To want to see this new military show called Enlisted that airs on Fox in the fall. I hope it's entertaining. The preview looks hopeful:

My Deployed Husband Can Still Surprise Me

2013-05-13T06:50:00.000-06:00

There was a knock on the door right as I was shouting at Natalie to put on her pants and stop acting like a dog.

It’s something she likes to do. Crawl around on her hands and knees in her underwear and act like a dog. Some people might think this is cute. And it is, until she continuously crawls in front of you. Then you’re tripping over her tiny frame, twisting left and right, and it just gets old. I tell her to play dog someplace else, I tell her she can play dog in her underwear as long as she likes if she does it in her room. But no, she has to be with me.

So yes, I was telling Natalie to put on her pants and stop acting like a dog because I had enough—and it wasn’t in a soft voice either. At that point I had been tripped four times, the first time having made me lose my grasp on my water I was holding so it flung all across the living room. And yes, you might be thinking, oh, it’s water, no big deal. But a gigantic water streak went across the TV and that is a VERY BIG DEAL. (The TV was okay, thank goodness.)

*Knock knock*

What the guy probably heard was this as he knocked: “NATALIE! That’s enough! PUT ON YOUR PANTS AND STOP ACTING LIKE A DOG!”

I’m surprised he didn’t run off.

I might have run off.

I paused, unsure if I heard the door. It could have been Tommy. He likes to slam across his bed over and over again so it makes a thumping noise. He does this because he craves the crashing feeling against him. It doesn’t bother me. I know it helps him.

“Was that the door?” I asked Natalie, who was still on all fours.

“Woof,” she responded, still pantsless, because even when I shout, she could care less, to which people might go, “Then stop shouting. Clearly it doesn’t work.” But I only have so much patience. I’ve always said that I parent like Roseanne and Frankie Heck in The Middle. Some people are shouters.

I opened the door and all I saw was a bouquet of flowers floating. I thought, okay, wow, I need caffeine. Floating flowers! Then I realized a guy was behind the spray of pink, holding them up by their gigantic vase.

Flowers.

“Could you sign this?” the guy asked, handing me a clipboard. His eyes darted around so I’m pretty sure he heard me yell. He also most likely spotted Natalie crawling past the door in her drawers. That didn’t help matters either.

He handed over the gigantic flowers and I almost dropped them. They were heavy! And gorgeous.

“Have a nice day,” the guy said and rushed back to his car. I’m sure we were his weirdest delivery of the day.

“Who gave these to us?” Natalie asked, because everything I get immediately becomes OURS.

“Daddy, I bet. Unless John Krasinski finally noticed me. Not that I could act on it, but still, the gesture would be exciting,” I replied, carrying them into the kitchen. I opened the tiny envelope and pulled out the card. I smiled. Yup, from Tom. For Mother’s Day.

The flowers were a surprise. I mean, he had said he mailed a package. And I got the package the day before. He sent everyone camels.

(I named mine Sampson.)

I assumed that was it. No, wait, he did say there would be a card in the mail. And I got that on Saturday, but I didn’t allow myself to open it until Mother’s Day.

But the flowers? Were a surprise. He can still surprise even though he’s deployed and like a million miles away.

The card made me tear up. And yes, he actually wrote in it. (My longtime readers will understand this. Tom has argued that he doesn’t need to write anything because the card already says what he feels. I insist that you must write in a card to make it personal.)

So even though Tom wasn’t here for Mother’s Day, and even though the kids drove me a little crazy, I still had an enjoyable weekend.

And yes, the flowers are still alive!

Chick-Fil-A #FreshMade New Salads Coupon Giveaway!**CLOSED

2013-05-12T12:54:00.001-06:00

**CLOSED--Winner posted here**

I LOVE Chick-fil-a.

But my thighs don't always feel the same.

Thank goodness that they are offering #freshmade salads and a delicious wrap, which are all under 430 calories. That makes my thighs happy!

Looks tasty, huh?

Check out the widget and take a quiz to find out if you are a "starter." Are you someone who is always ready to go, or are you the type that needs help?

You can also go behind the scenes and see how chick-fil-a salads are #freshmade!

PartnersHub is offering a lucky reader 2 coupons for a Chick-fil-a salad to a lucky reader!

Giveaway Rules:

--Must live in the US

--No PO Boxes

Mandatory Entry: Have you ever tried a salad from Chick-fil-a? If not, what do you usually order from them?

Extra Entries:

--Take the starter quiz on the widget and tell me your results

--Tweet about this giveaway using #FreshMade

For each thing you do, leave a separate comment.

I will run the contest until May 19th.

Good luck!

Book Review: The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D by Nichole Bernier Review and #Giveaway**CLOSED

2013-05-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

**CLOSED! Winner posted here**

So who writes journals?

I'm not talking about blogs, I mean actual journals, where you use a pen and paper.

I used to! The only reason I don't anymore is because I write so much faster when typing.

Anyway, journals are a part of a wonderful book I just finished reading called The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D by Nichole Bernier.

About The Book From Amazon.Com:

Before there were blogs, there were journals. And in them we’d write as we really were, not as we wanted to appear. But there comes a day when journals outlive us. And with them, our secrets.

Summer vacation on Great Rock Island was supposed to be a restorative time for Kate, who’d lost her close friend Elizabeth in a sudden accident. But when she inherits a trunk of Elizabeth's journals, they reveal a woman far different than the cheerful wife and mother Kate thought she knew.
The complicated portrait of Elizabeth—her troubled upbringing, and her route to marriage and motherhood—makes Kate question not just their friendship, but her own deepest beliefs about loyalty and honesty at a period of uncertainty in her own marriage. When an unfamiliar man’s name appears in the pages, Kate realizes the extent of what she didn’t know about her friend, including where she was really going on the day she died.
The more Kate reads, the more she learns the complicated truth of who Elizabeth really was, and rethinks her own choices as a wife, mother, and professional, and the legacy she herself would want to leave behind.

My Point Of View: Imagine losing your best friend and getting her journals. I was immediately hooked on the premise of the book. I mean, journals are a way you can really "see" a person. You get to read their most private thoughts. As Kate reads through the journals, she learns about some of the secrets that Elizabeth had. (One of them being that Elizabeth had a sister..something that Kate didn't know.) The book kept me interested in what Kate would read next. The book is well written and I would recommend it, especially for a book club. Lots of questions and discussions could come from reading this book. After all, how well do we really know someone?

About the Author: You can learn more about Nichole Bernier here!

Crowne and Broadway Publishing are offering a lucky reader a copy of the book. If you don't want to wait, you can purchase it in stores or on Amazon, plus a variety of other places.

Giveaway Rules

--Must live in the US

--No PO Boxes

Mandatory Entry: LIKE Nichole Bernier's Facebook page and tell me you did so in the comments.

Extra Entries:

--Tell me if you've ever written journals before

--Tweet about this giveaway

For each thing you do, please leave a separate comment. And PLEASE leave your current e-mail address in a comment so I can contact you if you should win.

I'll run the contest until May 20th.

Good luck!

**I was given a copy of the book to review. I was not paid for this post. My opinions are my own**

What I Want For Mother's Day

2013-05-10T07:00:00.000-06:00

To be able to have a PIP (poop in peace.) My kids are older so they have stopped following me IN the bathroom but they still feel the need to converse with me while I’m on the pot. Why? Why not when I’m on the couch?

To watch my shows in peace. Natalie decides to do a dance right when Jeff Probst announces who has been kicked off Survivor. She decides to sing at the top of her lungs when a shocker is announced on Grey’s Anatomy (Bailey did what?!) I just want everyone to shut up and entertain themselves.

To not become a human tissue. Seriously. Stop wiping your disgusting snot on me, kids. Go look in the bathroom where you’ll find some fabulous things called tissues. And I’m also not a napkin. Thanks for the spaghetti sauce stain on my favorite shirt, Natalie.

To be able to read for a couple of hours. Natalie finds it funny to take my books—and HIDE THEM! “You have to ask me for clues,” she’ll say, which some people would find cute, but I find annoying as hell. I’d like to figure out where Amy went in Gone Girl. (I did, finally. After asking Natalie like 20 questions. It turns out she hid my book in her bottom drawer.)

To be able to WRITE for a couple of hours. I’m trying to revise a book I wrote. And write a new one. People ask me, “When will you have another book out?” Well, when my kids learn to entertain themselves. When I can afford a nanny.

To want to be able to eat whatever I want and not have to share. No, I do NOT want to give anyone a bite of my cake. Piss off. I’d also like calories not to count.

To not have to say things like, “We don’t powder our butts with marshmallows!” and, “Stop! If you don’t want your lollipop anymore, throw it in the trash. Do NOT set it on the cat! He doesn’t like it!”

Since Tom is gone, it’s unlikely that I’ll get a lot of peace on Mother’s Day. But hey, I don’t think anyone would object if I close myself in my room for a few hours after plucking the kids down in front of one of our beloved electronic devices: the television.

I wish everyone a Happy Mother’s Day, including my own mother, who is fabulous. She is a retired Colonel in the Air Force and worked her tail off. She showed me what a strong woman was. She has also taught me how to keep plants alive, though I will admit that I’m still not good at it. I try, Mom, I do try. PS. Next time you visit, do you want to make my front garden pretty? I’d do it but the bugs frighten me (much to your chagrin—my mom is a fan of most bugs) and quite frankly, pulling up weeds is not enjoyable at all. (Especially when there are spiders attached to it.)

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: No Venting?

2013-05-09T06:48:00.002-06:00

I think it’s important to be positive.

But at the same time, it’s okay to vent.

I’m part of several Facebook groups and sometimes there is a vent post where people can leave comments on what is currently bugging them. Always, ALWAYS there will be someone who is all, “Instead of venting, how about we stay positive?” or, “Just wanted to say instead of a vent that I’m so proud of my husband!”

Eye. Roll.

Look, again, it’s OKAY to stay positive.

But it’s also OKAY to vent.

Venting helps. If I were happy all the time, I’d want to smack myself. I could never befriend someone who was constantly blowing sunshine from her butt. It just wouldn’t work and I’d have to bite my tongue to prevent from saying something snarky whenever she’d go on about her perfect life and poops that smell like roses.

I have to practically sit on my hands to not say something to the anti-venting people. I want to say, “My current annoyance is the people who whine about those who are venting. Aren’t they technically venting too…?” I don’t, because some people online have VERY thin skin and would take immediate offense.

So instead, whenever I see a venting post I basically make a bet with myself, “In an hour, someone will complain about the venting…”

And more often than not, it always happens…

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My Son Watched The Puberty Video At School..

2013-05-08T06:48:00.000-06:00

“You have to sign this,” Tommy said, tossing a paper at me.

I saw the paper and…giggled. It was a permission slip for the Always Changing video. You know, the one generally made in the 80s that discusses puberty?

“Are they going to talk about my penis?” Tommy asked as I signed it.

“Well. Not yours precisely but penises in general,” I explained.

“I already know a lot,” Tommy said solemnly. It’s true. I bought him a book about boys when he was 9 because he kept asking about stuff that would happen down there.

“Is my voice going to change?” Tommy wondered for the millionth time as he tucked the permission slip into his backpack. I’m never sure how he finds stuff in there. It’s filled with old papers, new papers, plus a package of goldfishes that he’s never gotten around to eating (I imagine they’re now orange crumbs.)

He’s been obsessed with his voice changing for years. He’s said many times, “Will I wake up and have a deep voice? Will I even know who I AM anymore?”

“It happens gradually. Watch Peter Brady on The Brady Bunch,” I’ve instructed.

To which he was like, “I don’t want to get SQUEAKY! Kids will LAUGH!”

Anyway, Tommy went to school, watched the video, and when he returned he told me as though we were discussing the weather, “It’s okay if a penis gets big when you see a pretty girl.”

I nearly choked on my sip of Diet Coke. “That’s true.” I coughed. I wished Tom weren’t deployed. Penis talks belong to the men.

“Wet dreams happen,” Tommy shrugged.

A spray of crackers flew from my mouth. “They do.”

“Will I get hairs….you know…down there soon?” Tommy continued.

“It’s….yes…eventually,” I answered.

“And my voice will change? I can’t scream like a girl anymore. It won’t let me,” Tommy said, and demonstrated. Light sounds came from his throat. “That means it’s happening. Puberty.”

“The Addams Family named their son Pubert,” I said dumbly. Weird things pop into my mind when I’m uncomfortable.

We discussed ejaculation and body odor and yes, voice changing again.

Tom picked an excellent time to deploy.

(And yes, he can discuss puberty with Tommy via Skype but he also has two roommates who might not want to hear about ejaculation and penis hairs…so it mostly falls on me.)

Calling Invisible Women Book Winner!

2013-05-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

I did a giveaway for Jeanne Ray's new book Calling Invisible Women here.

I used random.org to pick a winner and it chose...

...number 21, which is Chantal! Congrats!!

If you didn't win, I'll have more giveaways in the future.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2013-05-07T06:51:00.000-06:00

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.

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To be surprised when people willingly wear thongs. I just can’t. I need comfort.

To think Janelle from Teen Mom 2 needs help. And please, if someone knows Chelsea in real life, tell her to STOP talking to people in that annoying baby voice. Why has no one around her said something?!

To be appalled whenever I watch Dance Moms. Not only because of Abby but also because of some of the mothers. I’d be embarrassed if my parent behaved in that manner. The only one who seems sane is Holly.

To have sent another package to Tom. I’ll post pictures soon! Nothing fancy but I did use duct tape on the panels.

To be bummed that Smash is getting cancelled. I loved the music. Go look up I Heard Your Voice In A Dream on YouTube. You’ll see.

To want to know if Patrick Jane is ever going to find Red John on The Mentalist (great show. If you haven’t seen it, you should!) (Yes, I realize most of my posts today were about television. I watch a lot of it.)

To have a giveaway for a book called Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray here. Ends tomorrow!

To love this picture of my daughter:

When I Don't Hear From My Husband....

2013-05-06T06:48:00.003-06:00

I hadn’t heard from my husband in 24 hours and I was beginning to panic.

And yes, I get that there are wives who go days..WEEKS…without hearing from their man. But Tom is not on the front lines. He’s in a place where he’s able to communicate. We have a routine where we speak at about the same time and he never showed up.

I thought, okay, he had to work later. No biggie.

But as the hours slipped by, I started to worry. Where was he?

He might not be at a dangerous base but really, no place over there is completely safe.

My imagination began to go wild. What if…what if….their base was attacked? But no, there had been nothing on the news about it.

What if…what if…a soldier went crazy? The base Tom is at is a hub from those coming from Afghanistan. PTSD is a serious thing. And sometimes there are soldiers who lose it. Have you seen Hector from Army Wives?

What if…what if…Tom collapsed? Heart problems run in their family. In fact, Tom’s Dad had a heart attack when he was away from Tom’s Mom. They normally chatted at a certain time, he never showed up, and hours later soldiers came to her door informing her that her husband had died of a heart attack.

I couldn’t freak out in front of the kids though. I had to put on a happy face. Make dinner. Act as though everything were okay.

I don’t know how you wives who have soldiers on the front lines do it. I’d be a mess. It’s no secret that I can be overly dramatic….which is why I shouldn’t be surprised that I birthed a daughter who is, well, overly dramatic. I checked my phone every two seconds. The battery drained so I plugged it in beside me. I kept checking Skype. I kept checking Facebook.

WHERE WAS HE?

I pictured him sprawled out on the floor in the gym. The gym, because he’s been working out since he’s been over there. He has a bad shoulder. Bad knees. A BAD HEART. Oh God. He could be in a hospital bed writhing in pain. Moaning, “I can’t feel my toes..”

Okay, probably not. I watch too many hospital dramas.

I began pacing the room. I do this when I’m nervous. Natalie started following me.

“What are we doing?” she asked. She smacked into my butt when I abruptly stopped. I thought I heard my phone go off. I rushed to it and…no, just a game alert.

I chewed all my fingernails. It’s a nasty habit, yes, but I do it when I’m worried.

I sent Tom texts that said,

“Are you okay? Please contact me!”

“It’s been 24 hours. Are you alive? What is happening?”

“You know how I get when I panic. I no longer have fingernails and I’ve consumed 1 cupcake, 2 chocolate bars, and a shot of vodka.”

Down on the couch I went.

Up from the couch I went.

I couldn’t sit still.

It wouldn’t be so bad if Tom warned me that we wouldn’t be able to speak. This has happened before during exercises. “It’ll be a couple of days before we can talk again..” Okay, fine. I can deal with that.

But when I don’t know what’s happening? I don’t react well.

I sent one final text before I went upstairs to bed. I didn’t think I could sleep but I had to rest. To do something.

“I hope you’re okay. Please contact me when you can. I don’t care if it’s 2 AM my time.”

And then seconds later.

PING.

My phone!

I dove for it.

It was HIM!

“Sorry. Internet just came back up. We had a black out. Didn’t mean to worry you.”

He’s okay! He’s breathing!

I told him it was okay, that I was just happy that he was still with us.

“You’re weird,” he told me.

(Only he spelled it your weird. Because he likes to rile me up with using the incorrect your. He says the English language is dumb and we don’t need all these differing words which also tends to rile me up.)

So yes. I couldn’t get a hold of my husband for over 24 hours. It turned out okay.

My heart goes out to all you spouses who go for days and sometimes weeks without knowing what is going on.

I’d be permanently without nails if I had to go through that.

Best Of Warner Bros DVD Winner!

2013-05-06T06:00:00.000-06:00

I did a giveaway for a DVD of Cabaret or A Star Is Born here.

I used random.org to pick a winner and it chose..

...number 14, which is FanGirl Jen.

Congrats!

If you didn't win, I will have more giveaways in the future.

I currently have one going on now where you can win a copy of the book Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray here.

Snugg Live Wire Blue Flowing Light Charging Cable #Review

2013-05-05T13:06:00.001-06:00

I lose things. Quite frequently.

I've lost the charger for my iPhone 5 more than once.

This was why I was pleased when someone from The Snugg contacted me about reviewing their Snugg Live Wire Blue Flowing Light Charger

It arrived in a nifty bag:

The cool thing about it is that the cable lets you know when the phone is done charging. If it has a low battery, you'll see a fast flow of light. When it is charged, the light goes away.

You can see it better in this photo from the website:

Cool, huh?

You can find all sorts of fabulous things on The Snugg. You can find various cases for the iPhone 5, Samsung Galaxy, iPads, Kindles...there is so much to choose from.

I liked the SnuggiPhone5RealBambooWoodCase

You can get free shipping over $50! And if you're in the UK, they have The Snugg UK site! Same great products, just easier for you to shop. They also have live assistance if you aren't sure what to purchase or simply have questions.

I've been impressed with the charger. It's made well and bonus, I haven't lost it yet. My kids also think it's cool how it lights up.

So if you're looking for a charger or a new cell phone cover, I highly recommend The Snugg!

**I was not paid for this post but I was given a charger to review**

Things That Annoy Me Thursday: Ridiculous Words

2013-05-02T06:46:00.000-06:00

“I’m so jelly of your hair!” the woman behind me at Target said.

I was momentarily confused. She was WHAT of my hair? Jelly? That’s a sweet spread, am I correct?

“It’s so long,” she continued.

I thanked her even though I was still baffled. Jelly? She looked to be about my age and she’s going around saying that she’s JELLY of my hair???

What was the world coming to?

All these new words.

Jelly, in case you didn’t know, apparently means jealous to some.

To me, it’s a sweet spread that belongs on toast or sandwiches.

Here are some others words that make me cringe: cray cray and selfies.

Cray cray means crazy to some.

It’s a nonsense word to me. I will never tell someone that they are acting so “cray cray.”

Selfies is one I just learned recently. If you take pictures of yourself, it’s a selfie.

WHY PEOPLE WHY?

Why are we making up ridiculous words?

And don’t get me started on how much I still hate amazeballs.

The rest of the world can partake in these nonsense words but I refuse. (It’s not so bad if teenagers use it. I used silly words as a teen. But when I see a forty year old saying that something is totes cray cray it makes me want to laugh my butt off.) (Totes means totally now. Really. Because saying the word totally is too long. I guess?)

My name is Amber and I will forever use the real words and omit the ones that don’t exist.

For example:

I am JEALOUS of the people who can afford personal chefs. It’s TOTALLY CRAZY that people still don’t understand the difference between your and you’re. I am taking a SELF PORTRAIT of myself and the fact that I was able to read an entire chapter of my book without getting interrupted is AMAZING.

See what I did there?

(Guess this means I’m a cranky old person. Hi.)

Calling Invisible Women Book Review and #Giveaway!**CLOSED

2013-05-01T06:48:00.001-06:00

**CLOSED--Winner posted here**

Do you ever feel like you’re invisible?

I do. Sometimes.

What would happen if you truly became invisible—and your family didn’t even notice!

That’s the premise for the book Calling Invisible Women by Jeanne Ray.

Here’s the synopsis from Amazon.com:

A mom in her early fifties, Clover knows she no longer turns heads the way she used to, and she's only really missed when dinner isn't on the table on time. Then Clover wakes up one morning to discover she's invisible--truly invisible. She panics even more when her family doesn't notice a thing. Her best friend immediately observes the change, which relieves Clover immensely--she's not losing her mind after all!--but she is crushed by the realization that neither her husband nor her children ever truly look at her. She was invisible even before she knew it.

Clover discovers that there are others like her, women of a certain age who seem to have disappeared. As she uses her invisibility to get to know her family and her town better, Clover leads the way in helping invisible women become recognized and appreciated no matter what their role.

My Point Of View: The book has a unique premise which drew me to it. I can understand the feeling that your family doesn’t see you—they simply take for granted all that you do. The book also makes you realize how much time you take looking good—ie, applying makeup, buying the “right” outfit...is it really all necessary? I don’t want to give away too much but I really enjoyed the book. The ending put a huge smile on my face. This is the perfect beach book—or anytime book, really.

About The Author: You can learn more about Jeanne Ray here.

Crown and Broadway Publishing are offering a lucky reader a copy of the book. If you don’t want to wait, you can purchase the book on Amazon here.

Giveaway Rules:

--Must be 18 or older

--No PO Boxes

--Must live in the US

Mandatory Entry: Tell me have you ever felt invisible before.

Extra Entries.

LIKE Jeanne Ray on Facebook

I will run the contest until May 8th.

Good luck!

**I was not compensated for this post but I was given a copy of the book to review**

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

2013-04-30T06:50:00.001-06:00

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your blog. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either. Just make sure you link up and that the post you link up is a Hey, It's Okay Post.

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To pretend Sex and the City 2 doesn’t exist.

To think that fired anchor AJ Clemente might want to go into another field. I’ve seen him get another chance on shows and he’s not that good.

To really be enjoying Gone Girl. It took me awhile to finally start reading it and I’m glad I did. I highly recommend it! I’m halfway through.

To have made the kids pancakes for dinner twice last week. We love them and they are easy!

To be sending Tom another care package. His says his roommate has never seen Ted so I’m sending that to him, plus other goodies.

To love Grumpy Cat! The face gets me every time.

To be buying Lauren Graham’s new book today. Yes, she played Lorelei Gilmore and currently plays Sarah on Parenthood. She wrote a book called Someday, Someday, Maybe available for purchase today! (No, I’m not getting paid to mention books. I just love them!)

To have a giveaway for a DVD of A Star is Born or Cabaret here