Adventures in Babyland...

Mourning the Loss of Babyhood

2012-06-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have tried very hard to be present in the moment, and sensitive to Declan's changing needs. We successfully transformed his room into a "big boy room", including taking the rails off of his convertible crib. It is very difficult to get him to sleep at night, and he stays up until 9pm these days or later. Patrick has to lay down in front of the door to prevent him from leaving. It is a drag.

He is asking to nurse every day, and always asks if it is back. It breaks my heart because I really want to give it to him, but because I am taking 5HTP I can't. Also, I know it would relieve the terrible pain in my breasts from the clogged ducts. It would be so easy to go back, but my mental health is more important.

ABC SONG!

2010-12-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

Declan sang the ABC song from start to finish perfectly yesterday at dinner time for Daddy! Lately I have been pretending to be various characters that he loves like Sally from "Cars" and June from "Little Einsteins", and the other day he was talking to "June" (me) and June asked him to sing a song for her. He suddenly launched into the ABC song! It was the cutest thing ever.

On a more serious note, I have taken steps to deal with my stress and short temper by taking 5HTP, which is an amino acid and improves mood by boosting Seratonin. Also, in tandem with that I am taking Holy Basil which helps you have a more positive response to stress. I have been scaring myself and Declan with my yelling and overall bad countenance as of late, and am determined to overcome the poison of anger. It is possible that I am suffering from depression and extreme stress. I know that I do not take enough time for myself, and that I am not taking care of myself properly. For everyone's sake this must change, and it starts with me taking initiative to say what it is I need.
1) Yoga/Pilates
2) Time away from Declan
3) Intellectual and Artistic Pursuits and Goals
4) Structure and Discipline
5) More Meditation and Chanting
6) More education on early childhood

For Christmas I asked for and received books to help me with Declan's new transformation from baby to little boy. I was so sick of spinning down a shame spiral every time I lost my temper and yelled at him, and realized that I needed help. I heard of Positive Discipline from my friend Cathy who uses this method with her son. The Positive Discipline books are by Jane Nelsen, and there are many to choose from. The ones I chose are "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers", "Positive discipline", Positive time outs". I also got "How to behave so your preschooler will too." by Sal Severe. These new books and the medicine are beginning to help. I lost it yesterday when he wouldn't stop playing in the blinds and scared the poop out of him. Re directing or laughter and tickling would have worked just fine, but I chose to yell...ICK. I was sick and puked the day before, and there were gale force winds and rain outside yesterday so we were inside all day. It is challenging to entertain a toddler when you feel ill, and I was not in the right frame of mind. Perhaps when the urge to yell comes on I should start chanting loudly! I have this horrible feeling like I am a monster and everybody knows it.

The other positive side effect of these new vitamins is that I can no longer nurse even occasionally. This is the end of the sixth day, and Declan is having a bit of a hard time. He is asking for it often, but seems to understand when I tell him that "nunga" is gone for good. I told him Nunga knows he is a big boy and went away, and how sorry I am.

Friday!

2010-12-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone else gets shy when it comes to arranging play dates. I guess I feel insecure because we have a small place. I need to make more of an effort to make more play dates for him.

Today he road piggy back as we played horsey and said "giddyap giddeyap!"I need to get him some more outfits so he and his friends can play dress up during play dates. I also have been looking for a stove for him and found a cool retro one which is not plastic and will hold it's value from Kidkraft.

Converting his room to big boy status is challenging. I don't want to move him too fast, but I do want to keep up with his changing needs and development. Nana got him an easel and we got him a table and chair set. I just need to get him a chest of drawers, and a lovely bookshelf which can grow with him and as his library expands. I heard yesterday at school that you should keep them in a crib until they are three developmentally. I need to get more baskets to put around the house, and get a chalk board. I had this idea that I would paint a part of the wall in either his room or in the foyer as soon as you walk in to the right with this new chalk board paint. I need a cork board as well. i also saw a cute calender just for him by Alma's Designs called "Today is"
Here is the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Almas-Designs-TI-74-Today-Is/dp/B0017S3JXO/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1292068061&sr=1-2

FIRST SONG!

2010-11-29T17:26:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day! I got up very early this morning and went to the store for milk and berries for oatmeal. It was crisp and cold, and it got me out of the house first thing instead of our usual in bed nursing sessions.

This is the second day of weaning today, and I know we are both ready. His immune system is now, at two, fully developed and he is through with the biggest most important shots. I feel confidant that I have done my best to give him the best start in life, and am ready to let a new chapter begin.

I sing row row row your boat to Declan every day since he was tiny, and the other day he sang it start to finish word for word! And yesterday he sang the I love you you love me Barney song! It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard! He hums it all of the time around the house.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2010-10-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

I will be 41 tomorrow, and have never been happier in my life. Declan is getting smarter and more wonderful by the day, and I am amazed at his command of words. He says please and thank you, and sorry when he hurts someone. He is funny and so sweet. He is going to the potty regularly and making poop too. He just made poop on his potty today, and is doing so well considering his age. I am so crazy that I took a picture of his first poop! I just was so proud, and he was too. It was a little slower going for the poop than the pee in the potty, but I figured out that I had to keep him naked so that I could recognize the signs, and quickly put him on. Now he says "Butt hurt!" so I know he needs to go. It's too funny!

So sweet

2010-10-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today we were playing blocks on the floor and it was lunchtime. I started to get up to go fix lunch and Declan said "together?...us?" and grabbed my hand. My eyes welled with tears, and I felt so incredibly blessed to have such a sweet child as my companion in life. I love that we are together all of the time, and am so fortunate to share his early years with him. I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Mommy and me preschool!

2010-10-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

What a lovely day today! I got up this morning feeling great. I guess it was a 24 hour bug, or maybe it was the chanting I did last night. I decided that I would just get on with it and take Declan to school. It was a great idea. Even though we were a bit late, I'm glad we came.

It has been so wonderful being a part of this Mommy and me preschool in Marinwood. I love it out there and I feel right at home. So many amazing things to do here for the little ones! I demented myself to death searching for the perfect place for Declan's first school experience. I read thousands of websites and found a great one! Here is the link : http://www.marinmommies.com/preschools I also searched on YELP to find out the real low down honest reviews from real Mommies and Daddies and the word on the street. This place really is a winner.

First of all, it is held in the Marinwood Community Center, where there are so many fun activities are happening anyway...a great place for families to bond together. It is right next to a fire station with big bright yellow fire engines right there for the kids to freak out over. Lots of music programs and enrichment activities that really are amazing.

What really hooked me was the director Susan Press. What an amazing woman! She is an artist herself, and is an accomplished writer. Here is her biography:

Susan Press has been the Program Director since September of 1986. Her background includes a graduate degree from the San Francisco Art Institute and a teaching credential from California State University at San Francisco. Susan taught art at the junior and senior high school level for eight years primarily in the Piedmont School District, with her first year at Miller Creek School, here in the Dixie District. Marinwood has had a preschool since its beginning as a community center. Susan began the Parent-Toddler Program in 1989 and the Threes Together in 1990. She has also taught art in the Dixie Schools through the Youth In Arts Program.
Susan writes a column on parenting for the Marinwood Review.
“Coming to Marinwood and the preschool-aged child, has been the best surprise gift in my life, second only to parenting. I am continually blessed by meeting the most loving families and honored to be trusted to work and play with all these incredible children. There is not one aspect to this job that I do not enjoy and continually learn from. My focus as a teacher is to help each child to feel safe, loved, good about themselves and excited to come to school each day.”

Such wonderful families as well. I have made friends with a lot of the Mommies, and had a play date with a nice lady named Kimberley and her lovely son, Jamie. They live in Marinwood Estates, and it is surrounded by mountains. It is a beautiful, new community, and is a fantastic house. Declan and Jamie have made friends at school, and Kimberley is very cool. Declan loves to crack Jamie up! Today we made a coin purse together as a craft. She laid out fabric markers to decorate the little white coin purses with, and they had cute gold coins inside them for the kids to play with! How cool! Every craft that we have made here is useful, beautiful and thoughtful.

I am going to try out "The Little Gym" in Sausalito tomorrow. Kimberley says it is great, and Jamie loves it. I love Sausalito, and it looks great online, so we are going to give it a go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

SICK TODAY

2010-10-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

UP at 2 AM with vomiting and explosive diarrhea...it hit me like a freight train! It went on that way every two hours on the hour. Running desperately to the shower in the middle of the night with all of this happening all at once is the most out of control, helpless feeling. Not to mention being awakened from a dead sleep by sharp pains right in the middle of my stomach which made me heave and double over. I had defecation streaming down my legs as I held back the vomit with sheer will. I quickly staggered from my bed just in time to make it to the shower before we needed our carpet cleaned in a BIG way.

Luckily, Patrick had an easy day so he took care of Declan's morning routine for me. What a Prince! He took off work, and is still here at 2:43 in the afternoon. How kind and thoughtful he has been, looking after he and I, making rice and bringing me ice chips.

I find it very difficult to be sick, and I rarely am. Patrick told me it was the first time he has seen me sick, apart from morning sickness which doesn't count. This is God's way of saying you must take a break. You are taken care of. You can slow down and rest. I haven't vomited since 10 :00 this morning, so I think the worst is over. Whatever was in my body that didn't belong got violently evicted! I am eating the BRAT diet...you know, bananas rice applesauce toast, so that seems to be helping.

I am very lucky to have someone who loves me unconditionally, in sickness and in health in the truest sense of the words. I have had glimpses of it from time to time in relationships, but it was never my soul mate...my twin ray. I was looking for a best friend that I could trust like family, and I wasn't going to settle for less, even if that meant roaming this earth alone until my death, with nothing but Yogananda and a good dog and cat for sweet companionship. I have my deep scars from my parent's divorce when I was 15 that had kept most men at bay for so long. I am proud to call Patrick my best friend, and he is the first man that I have ever had a relationship that was the "best friend/brother turns into lover" thing with, and was a good friend and roomate for at least a year before we fell in love.

Declan likes a group hug every day, and if Patrick and I are hugging, he will squish himself in the middle. It is soo cute! Well, the other day he made up his first song "Best friend Daddy best friend Daddy Best friend Daddy...best friends!" Yesterday during our group hug he said " Mommy Daddy best friends!" From a kid's perspective, who could ask for anything more? I will be 41 this October 24th, and I couldn't be happier. I have blessings that are so out of control, that if you went up to me in 2005 and told me this was going to happen I would have laughed in your face. Big tough girl loner! Nyeeeeah!!

GOING POOP!

2010-10-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

Declan and I have been potty training for a couple of months now. Nana got him a step stool, underpants and potty cover for his birthday in July, and I got him a Freddy the Frog potty many months ago. He has been doing great with going pee, but not so great with the poo. I have been keeping him naked when we are home so that he can quickly sit down when he needs to go. It has been working out really well, and yesterday he sat down and pooped in Freddy! I was so proud.

Declan Turns Two!

2010-07-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

My sweet baby boy turned two today. Nana and Grandaddy are here to visit which makes it very special and amazing. I feel so blessed to have such a dear sweet special child in my care. He is so kind and full of joy and life. So many cool things have happened. He is a very aware spiritual being and he is so smart. I was reading a book by Nichirin Daishonin, the founder of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo Buddhism, and Declan pointed to his name and said "Buddha!" I was shocked. He instinctively knows what is good and is so expressive and emotional. He is a perfect mimic and has a great sense of humor. Such charisma!

We are now going to gymnastics on Tuesdays with Teacher Juan at the St Anselmo Rec Center. He is such a great teacher and wears Yoda masks and demonstrates on the trampoline with fabulous tricks that make the babies crazy! He has "circle time" at the start where he briefly stretches the toddlers out while singing songs like "Hickory Dickory Dock" and "ABC." At the end of class he takes out a rainbow parachute and all of the toddlers get on top while all of the adults hold the edges and sing "Little Red Caboos!" The Rec Centers here in Marin are amazing! They offer so much to do for new Mommies and for everyone. He is also going to swim lessons at the Strawberry Rec Center with Daddy on Sundays. That's a great way for them to bond and spend quality time together, not to mention I get a little "me time!" ; )

Giving birth to Declan was the hardest thing I have ever done. Afterwards I felt like the winner in a prize fight against Muhammad Ali! He was big, and at times I didn't think I could do it at all. It was difficult being pregnant because I puked every day for 9 months. EVERY DAY!! I felt like a water buffalo, but all of the pain and unpleasantness is nothing compared to the joy I feel looking at my gorgeous son every day!

Music Together!

2010-03-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

We were invited to come to a class at the Discovery Museum by our new friends Cathy and Benton, and we liked it so much, we signed up. I met Cathy at Corte Madera Park a while ago, and she was so kind and helpful about things to do here in Marin for toddlers! It has been challenging for me to be in a new town without any pals with a new baby, and I was happy I met such a good person. Declan's new words are : Auntie, Cathy, Bent Bent, (Benton, his new friend from Music Together) guitar, bark, flower, bench, up step, down, Kate, driver, (screw driver) cow, sheep, goats, penguin, there are so many now it's hard to keep up!

Declan is sweet and kind, and has a tender heart. It is as if the very sun itself were behind his eyes! So full of life and joy! A Blessed Jewell, so precious. I feel like the luckiest Mommy in the whole world to be blessed with such a magic, dear presence. He is like a little politician wherever he goes saying "Hi!" to everyone he sees! One sweet older woman in Molly Stones, the funky, local market here in Bon Air Shopping Center, said "what a gregarious young man!" That describes him entirely. He reminds me of the best parts of my Daddy, (also a Leo)warm, confidant and sweet.

He is very spirited, and can be aggressive with the head butting and kicking. It really got to me when he hurt me a couple of times pretty bad. I yelled at him and got in his face one day, which immediately brought a halt to the vicious body kicks he was delivering while I was trying in vain to change his blowout poopie diaper. Poop everywhere!! I just was so ashamed I lost control, and so sad and disgusted that we were covered in poop, that I started to cry! I can't be too hard on myself..it is not easy to be a good mother, if it were everyone would work as hard as I do. I keep my serenity most of the time, but I just lost it that day. I really scared the little guy, and that just sent my self esteem to the floor.

I must remember that tomorrow is another day to be amazing, and I am only human. We all have pitfalls and challenges daily, and it is our reactions to these events that determine our destiny and happiness. I lost my temper. Big deal. I am not the first Mommy to blow a gasket, but it just feels so AWFUL!!! I don't want to hurt him in any way, and yelling is definitely very hurtful. Peace be with me. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.

I wrote this poem on that day ( Kosen Rufu means World Peace)

Kosen Rufu Within

help me with this anger
this demon inside of me
help me to be peaceful
help me to be free
show me the way
to forgive myself
for the violence
with word and deed
I have committed
against the innocent
in my lifetime
the shame
and regret
for causing fear
and intimidation
in the eyes of
another
help me to find
the kosen rufu
within my own
body and soul
and sit in that peace
for the rest of my life
giving out peaceful
vibrations
no matter what
remaining even minded
in the face of whatever

The Bay Area Discovery Museum!

2010-03-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

We got a membership to The Bay Area Discovery Museum for Christmas from Daddy, and we have been so happy ever since! I met a great Mom at the Corte Madera Park before we moved, and she told me so much great information about activities in Marin for toddlers and cool classes to take. I got her number and I called her recently to get together. She invited us to be her guests at a class she told me about earlier that is held at the Discovery Museum called "Music Together".

We had so much fun there with the teacher Stacy Walden. It was a great opportunity to socialize with other children and for me to hang out with other Mommies. This is just what we needed, so I signed up for the new semester which starts Tuesday. I am thinking of becoming a Music Together teacher, so this is a great way to see first hand how the program works, the benefits Declan enjoys, and the curriculum. I am really happy because my new friend Cathy and her adorable son Benton are taking it again too. After the class we hung out all day and had a great time together. This was the awful day of the weaning meltdown...he just couldn't take it any more after such a "big boy" day!! ; )

We had another playdate later that week at Memorial Park which has a sleeping giant Brontosaurus for kids to climb on. It is fantastic! There are castles and swings, and an open field to run and play in. You can bring your dog so it will be great for Lily. Patrick took us there a couple of weeks ago so it's great that she goes there too. There is a great gymnastics class at the San Anselmo Recreation Center down the street from the park that Benton goes to. I am going to look into that for Declan as well. He's really agile and has great balance so I want to encourage that! I can't wait for class on Tuesday!

http://www.baykidsmuseum.org/programs-and-events/programs/music-programs/

Project WEAN happily cancelled!!

2010-03-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Well we fell off of the weaning wagon after 2 1/2 days. I just couldn't do it because it felt so wrong. It just wasn't time. We are back happily nursing and I will let him tell me when it is time for him to quit. He just was more upset than I've ever seen him and seemed to really NEED it. He is still a BABY, not even two years old, and when I see other babies a lot older than him still taking bottles, and I study research about how long the rest of the world breastfeeds which is til at least 3 years old, it is clear to me that it is still a necessary and vital thing for him no matter WHAT anyone says. He wouldn't want it for no reason...I trust his judgment, I want him to trust ME, and it is not about me. I respect his wishes and don't feel bad at all for not "going through with it". I could never forgive myself if I did go through with it. This will be my only child, and I want to do what's best for him. Everything inside me was telling me that this was not the right thing to do, and not my decision to make. After rejecting him for the last time to nurse, his little heart just broke and mine did too! We sobbed together in the kitchen, dancing back and forth as I tried to think of any good reason not to nurse my sweet little dumpling, and I couldn't think of ANY!! I held him close and RAN to the couch so that I could cry and nurse him and make the awful ache in my breasts and my heart go away. I told him over and over as I held him tight that I was so sorry and that I would never do that to him again. I'm glad we're back on track and he is so much happier and back to his old sunny, happy self again. During those brutally agonizing days of no nursing, he changed dramatically, and not for the better. He was less outgoing and happy, and more clingy and whiny. All was not right with my sweetheart. I am confidant that I did the right thing. Here is a quote from an amazing article on the La Leche League website...it is very helpful and informative to nursing Mommies and there are meetings that you can attend to get support for breastfeeding. YAY!

http://www.llli.org/

"On a stormy Sunday evening, with lots of things that needed to be done but nothing better to do, I lay on my bed while nursing my 17-month-old son. Certainly, there was nothing new about this. It was about as routine as a Sunday night giving rise to a Monday morning. It just is, or at least it has been, for the past 17 months.

There was nothing different about this nursing session. As I lay in the classic side-lying nursing position, stroking a little handsome face and wondering where in the world the good dustpan had disappeared to, how I was going to change the burnt out light in the chandelier high up in the foyer, and whether or not I should try to vacuum out the fire extinguisher dust from the bottom oven (long story...don't ask!), a curious sensation caught my attention. A little damp spot was slowing growing into a great big damp spot right across the pillow that I had used to prop myself and the head of my little nursling.

Upon further inspection, it was revealed that the steel grip that my boy had on my breast was a little faulty on the under side. He was sucking, but letting not some, but all of my milk run out the other side.

I pulled back a little, he increased the strength of his sucking, and a little chubby fist firmly clasped the end of my nursing bra—a silent but firm affirmation that he was not yet finished. Even while sound asleep, my little prince gets his way.

I, on the other hand, was a little perplexed. He was nursing so fervently, but he wasn't hungry? The corner of my mouth turned up slightly as the phrase "little fraud" crossed my mind. My Joshua had, somehow, hoodwinked me into letting go of my worries about all of the neglected household duties that were weighing so heavily on my mind.

That very revelation turned my thoughts to less than pleasing meanderings. A good friend of mine, during a long-distance phone conversation the other day, asked me if I was still breastfeeding. "Still" is a word that is becoming seriously distasteful to me. I'm hearing it all too often these days, in the form of the same question. I have to admit that I was a little surprised that this particular friend had said it in such a way that made her disbelief and disapproval very clear. After all, she had breastfed her own son (just three months older than mine) for the first eight months of his life.

I started to think about the rationale that she had used for encouraging me to wean. I have given zero credence to the vast numbers of family members and friends who threaten to spontaneously combust if I don't stop doing "that." But, hearing this from another breastfeeding mother, I felt a tickle of something that I had not felt since before my son was born.

Doubt. I heard my inner voice ask, "So, why are you still doing this?"

Doubt is a funny thing. In healthy doses, it is a tool in this game of life. It makes us question and think. It drives humans to demand proof in our world where a good number of "certainties" remain elusive. Too much doubt, however, can turn into insecurity.

I looked directly at my son's face, inches from my own, and searched for an answer that would quiet the tide of self-doubt that I felt rolling in. Is there something wrong with us? Isn't that the real question? Isn't that what people really want to know when they give you that disbelieving look, and begin to say, "You're still..."?

My hand retraced a path around his perfect little lips. I smoothed his little unruly eyebrows, again, and let my fingers marvel at the perfection of his nose. And, to my amazement, for what must be the gazillionth time, his little hand searched and found my face. Joshua, as he's done countless times before, did a full body snuggle closer and closer until he was wrapped snugly in my arms, my nose touching his forehead.

And with that, the answer was clear to me. He wasn't hungry for food, he was hungry for his mother's love. While I'm certain that he is still getting significant nutritional value for the vast majority of our nursing sessions, I've finally come to understand that there is more to nursing than the nutritional value of mother's milk.

Last night, I let my son teach me a lesson without him ever waking. A lesson that will stay with me forever. There are a great many uncertainties in this world, some big and some insignificant. This is especially so for a toddler, and his rapidly growing world. That I lay in an ever growing wet spot was of absolutely no consequence. My son was in my arms, where he wanted to be, where I wanted him to be, at a time when mothers are easily lured into the mundane duties and daily responsibilities. I'm glad I didn't miss his full-body snuggle, and got yet another opportunity to burn the scent of my freshly bathed, sleeping child into my memory forever. After close to a year and half, I think that my eyes and my mind are finally open enough to embrace the purest gifts of motherhood.

I could have cleaned my oven. Instead, I held my son. Nature and nurture in perfect harmony. There is not a doubt left in my heart."

-Debbie Davis

And here is a funny poem from and Irishwoman dispelling the myth of Irish folk eating corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's day....enjoy!!

GOOD GRIEF – NOT BEEF!
I just want to put something straight
About what should be on your plate,
If it’s corned beef you’re makin’
You’re sadly mistaken,
That isn’t what Irishmen ate.

If you ever go over the pond
You’ll find it’s of bacon they’re fond,
All crispy and fried,
With some cabbage beside,
And a big scoop of praties beyond.

Your average Pat was a peasant
Who could not afford beef or pheasant.
On the end of his fork
Was a bit of salt pork,
As a change from potatoes ’twas pleasant.

This custom the Yanks have invented,
Is an error they’ve never repented,
But bacon’s the stuff
That all Irishmen scoff,
With fried cabbage it is supplemented.

So please get it right this St. Paddy’s.
Don’t feed this old beef to your daddies.
It may be much flasher,
But a simple old rasher,
Is what you should eat with your tatties.

©Frances Shilliday 2004

Cabbage leaves and Sage tea

2010-03-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Good grief this is painful!!! No wonder I put it off for so long! I feel like I just got bad breast implants or something. My breasts are like softballs and are so tender that if you touch them I yelp. I have to carry Declan side saddle, and it hurts to even raise my arms. I read on babycenter.com that cabbage leaves and sage tea help with the pain and speed up the process of the milk drying up. Last night Patrick got some cabbage and fresh sage for me. What a guy! I am now drinking the tea which I made by just tearing the leaves into a cup and pouring hot water over them, and I've got the nice cold cabbage on my boobs. Declan is asleep so I have time to write...man this is HARD!! I just have to suck it up and deal until this passes. The ladies on babycenter said that the next 48 hours or so will SUCK, and after that it gets better. I hope so...it doesn't help that Declan asks for it, but he is doing so much better than I thought he would. It's ME that is not okay. I started crying yesterday because I just am so upset about the loss of my little tiny baby. By weaning him he is officially not a baby anymore and I am okay with that, it's just hard emotionally. I tried to explain to Patrick about my feelings of guilt last night...if Declan still wants it and I am still producing it, am I going against nature by weaning him before he is ready? I am trying to get over it, and I think it will just take some time like anything else.

Weaning

2010-03-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely torn to pieces about weaning Declan today. We have cut down to nursing only in the morning and occasional naps for a while now, other than when he was recently sick. I was very thankful for it then and I was trying to wait for him to "self wean", but at this rate he will be 3 and still asking for it! LOL!! I really want my body back and would love to lose the last 15 lbs, so I decided yesterday that it was time now. zThis morning we did not nurse. I don't know why I feel so GUILTY!! It went pretty well considering, but there were a couple of extreme "Nuuunga??" queries before I got him in his chair for breakfast this morning. The routine used to be Daddy would go in and get him in the morning and bring him to me in bed where we would have a relaxing time nursing and we all would be together in bed. It would give me a chance to wake up slowly and have that special time with him. I just now put him down for his nap and this is when it really got heart breaking! He really wanted to nurse and was not taking his sippy cup of milk. Pleading and begging with big green eyes welling with tears. Of course when he gets upset, my first instinct is to nurse and my boobs filled up even more making it extremely tempting to have some relief. As he was crying and I held him tight I sang to him a song from his favorite book "I'll love you forever" by Robert Munsch; "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I sang this a couple of times to him as tears were streaming down my cheeks. This is sooooooooo hard!! My baby is growing up and as much as it hurts I have to begin a new chapter in our relationship. I am crying as I write this right now. I am so thankful that I was able to nurse at all, let alone for how long I have done it. It has been one of the hardest, most selfless things I have ever accomplished and I am very proud of myself. A couple of times I really wanted to pack it in!! It was difficult nursing with teeth at first, but he was very polite about it after I screamed in pain one time. It was difficult when he was first born because of the lost sleep and the sore nipples...the TUBES AND TUBES of lasinoh nipple balm I went through!! Throughout all of the challenges, I remained steadfast that I would see through a year with him at least because I felt it was best for him and the right thing to do. I am an older Mommy and this will be my last baby I think, so I wanted to stay home and really enjoy him and give him my best. Even though my breasts are sore, and I am very weepy, this too shall pass and we will still be as close as ever.

Patrick Rocks!

2010-03-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

This life I am living I could not have even imagined a couple of years ago. Years of my life in a rolling box swirling around the world. Having a home and a baby and a man who really knows me and is my best friend are things I didn't think were in the cards for me. I had resigned myself to a life of selfish creative pursuits. My parent's divorce really made me think that in the end, men always let you down no matter how wonderful they are. I became somewhat of an angry "man eater". I had serious trust issues, and still struggle with them. Patrick and I were friends for almost a year before anything happened between us. That was the first time that had ever happened to me. I am still learning about intimacy and trust, but having a man who loves and understands me and is worthy of trust is the best gift that I can give Declan, because if we are happy then he will be happy. Patrick is the best Daddy I could have ever hoped for Declan, and I am overwhelmed with joy that it will be our two year anniversary in April. We make a great team and I am proud to have him by my side forever.

Getting Hurt and Sick

2010-03-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

No Mommy likes to see their baby get hurt, and I am no exception. Fortunately Declan has been relatively boo boo free for most of his little life, but I can't help but feel guilty when it has happened. I just irrationally don't ever want to see him suffer or be in pain if I can help it. He is a boy so I am in for it as far as boo boos for the rest of his life, so I'd better get used to it and FAST! I am sure a lot of Mommies and Daddies feel the same. We were at the park, and he was running fast and on his own on the pavement and fell. His poor little face bounced off the ground dramatically and he ended up having a scrape and slight bump on his forehead and nose. It was terrifying to watch! I normally do not let him run on hard surfaces without holding my hand, but Pat let him run and it only took a second. It is healed now and he wasn't seriously hurt at all, but when I look at his puffy, tear streaked face, I feel such profound love and sympathy that it feels as if my own heart and soul were shattering into a billion pieces. Toddlers have accidents, and that is how they learn. I get it...but try telling that to my heart!

We have been relatively lucky in regard to sickness with Declan, and I attribute that mostly to my prenatal diet and exercise program the whole nine months, absolutely no alcohol during my pregnancy and after while breastfeeding, and the act of "extended" breast feeding or EBF. Also, apparently, multiracial humans, very much like mixed breed dogs or "mutts", are healthier, smarter, more symmetrical facially, and with a much stronger immune system than their pure bred counterparts. Back in my modeling days, I was chosen along with some other models to pose as an illustration to an article in Elle Magazine about a controversial book called "Mean Genes" by Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan. We were all chosen for our symmetrical faces, and as it turns out, the ones who were most racially mixed were the most symmetrical. The article states; "The controversial UCLA biology professor’s ideas are impeccably well-timed. In an era when society has embraced a long roster of multiracial stars like Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, Shakira, and Alicia Keys, when models with dazzlingly varied combinations of skin tone and eye color gaze out from magazine spreads, Phelan has found compelling scientific justification for the cultural moment. In short, he believes people of multiracial heritage are not just inherently more attractive than those who aren’t, but they are stronger and healthier, too." Quite flattering! When I was growing up in Missouri, it was very difficult for me being a racially mixed child, and I suffered quite a bit for it. This validation was very healing and important for my self esteem.

I can't deny that I am hardly ever ill. I have never had mumps, measles, chicken pocks, and barely a cold or flu since adulthood. Patrick, then Declan were struck with the stomach flu one right after the other. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen! Miserably moaning boys vomiting everywhere! Declan vomited directly into my face and I still didn't get sick! I had to stay up all night with him, and this is really when I thanked my lucky stars that I still breastfeed him. It was the only thing he could keep down! Both of the boys are feeling much better, but I am exhausted!!!

Handicapped Placard

2010-02-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

On January 24th of this year, I slipped and fell and sprained my ankle really badly. I broke off a couple of pieces of bone which really hurt, and I was sent into a tailspin of worry about who would care for Declan if I couldn't. Happy New Year!! It was so upsetting and scary, not to mention the most pain I have been in since giving birth. LOL! I wonder if any new stay at home Mommies out there have hurt themselves and been unable to care for their little one? I am really active, and was just starting to see results from my daily walks and trips to the gym. I have lost most of the weight, I just need to tone up. Being off my feet and depressed is not something I was looking forward to. I could just taste all of the horrifyingly fattening food that I would soon be consuming to drown my sorrows! Luckily I have a terrific husband who took a week off to take care of me and Declan. It was also another opportunity for me to see just how incredible and kind Patrick's oldest friend Kevin is. He and his wife Kate brought over a care package of some beef stroganoff and other yummy goodies like chicken soup. Kevin throws down hard in the kitchen, so you know I was happy! Many good friends offered to come and help, and that was beautiful! I have a "frankenboot" which I must wear for a couple of months, and my Doctor signed off for me to have a handicapped placard until August! Sweet!

ALL CLEAN!

2010-02-23T15:30:00.000-08:00

I respect and admire a modern day saint named Mata Amritanandamayi Ma or Ammachi the "Hugging Saint"
as she is sometimes called, and I had the privilege of being hugged and blessed by her in 2005. You should have seen the lines of all sorts of people waiting for darshan! Grown men in her lap sobbing uncontrollably! It was a pretty rare and spectacular scene. I bought a pair of sterling silver rudraksha beads to be blessed by her, and when I finally got my turn, she held me and rocked me and said "No No No No"sweetly and softly like she was scolding a very naughty tiny baby. Let's face it folks, I wasn't living right at the time, and that's the reason I came to see her. I needed to get back on track, and I had read her biography back in '98 when I was in Australia and I finally got my chance. Well, the other day Declan picked up the beads and held them for a long time. He then looked up at me and said "All Clean!" with a big smile on his face and a look in his eye far beyond his years. All clean indeed. I knew that he knew what those beads meant, and here before me was the living, breathing realization of my dearest wish as I sat crying in Amma's lap. Here is a precious video of Declan after a bath with Daddy. Enjoy!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mata_Amritanandamayi
http://www.amma.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudraksha

Nunga nunga!

2010-02-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I am just amazed! Ever since Declan was able to talk he has called my boobs "nunga"If he wants to nurse he comes up to me and says NUUUUNGA??? Just for fun, I googled nunga, and to my surprise, it is British slang for BOOBS!!

This is the urban dictionary link where I discovered it. There is also a BOOK entitled "Knocked out By My NUNGA NUNGAS" by Louise Rennison. Wow. I suppose little Declan just arrived in a new body fresh from England! Reincarnation is no joke..how would he possibly know the slang word for boobs - in ENGLAND?

New Home!

2010-02-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

Well, we have moved again and there has been a serious gap in my blogging efforts, but I hope to get back on track and be disciplined about writing daily even if it is one sentence!
So much to catch up on! Let's start with the present...we moved to Greenbreae, a beautiful town in Marin close to the Bon Air Shopping Center. Bon Air is off the hook!

It was so hard at the Corte Madera place because we were a one car family when we first moved here, and there was absolutely NOTHING in strollering/walking distance at all. We were on this big, jacked up hill (which was great for losing baby weight, mind you! I called it "the BUTT hill LOL!) and I would just push that frickin' stroller up and down that hill twice a day just to get out of the house. We finally got a second car, so now Declan and I are MOBILE!!! (cue The Who..) Back in my Black Jeep...yes!! (cue AC/DC Back in Black..) The Bon Air Shopping Center has everything, including a Molly Stones, which by the way, is a gourmet's dream! It is a beautiful privately owned supermarket which I had never heard of. They also have fabulous seasonal events in the courtyard like an awesome Pumpkin Patch with gigantic displays of all types of huge squash, Santa, and Christmas Trees!

We moved here in October and our moving day was on my birthday! Some people might have been bummed, but this fabulous new place for my family is a huge present! Declan is saying two word sentences now like; "all clean", "all gone" "back poop", (when you poop so much it goes up and out the back of the diaper!) and "all done". His words are; Dada, Mama, cat, dog, go, bird, grass, train, playpen, din din, belly button, (beh buh) chair, ding, drum, do do, peepee, bear, phone, down, shoe, pants, bug, meat, cheese, and when I think of more I will post them. He hates the swing, and loves his Baby Einstein videos!

All of his big side teeth are coming in at once, and at an alarmingly fast rate! Almost overnight! He has been pretty cranky, but is very upbeat and smiley considering the pain he must be in. We are still nursing, which surprises some people, including my mother. I want it to be his decision when he wants to quit, and it is the only thing that really comforts him during this difficult time. Technically children are still infants until they are two years old, and in Europe it is common for a child to be nursed occasionally until they are three. This is my last and only child, and I am forty as of October, so his needs come first.

Happy to be blogging again!

Walking!!

2009-07-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

For the last two weeks Declan has been walking on his own. Yesterday he was kicking his ball quite expertly down the hall like a soccer star! His words now are Mama, Dada, Lily, ball, bunny or "bun ni ni" and bye bye. He babbles all of the time so I am sure he is saying more..it takes time to interpret the words. He has learned how to wave bye bye and clap. When he is happy or there is music on he wiggles his head from side to side in a little dance! He is so sweet and kind and independent! He loves to eat spinach, broccoli, and pasta. He LOVES blueberries so much, that sometimes his poop is blue! He is now 20 pounds and 30 inches long! His feet are so big that I know he will be so tall...I am so proud of him and each day is a miracle.

Making Baby Food!

2009-03-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

My parents were sweet enough to give me a cute baby food maker and I have begun creating food for Declan. it is easier than I thought to make him apple sauce and it is like a little food processor that also steams and reheats frozen food. It is awesome and Declan really loves the things that I make!

http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/beaba-babycook-baby-food-maker/

Diapers.com!

2009-02-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote this review today to Diapers.com:

It is a very important and convenient service that Diapers.com has given me and my family! I am a stay at home Mommy and we have one car right now, so this affords me the luxury of getting all of my son's needs (including clothes, toys and organic baby food!) met quickly and frequently at a discount! I have found $10 coupons in Parents magazine! I can buy his diapers in large quantities as if I were buying from Costco (They do not carry his brand which is Pampers swaddlers, size 2), and the huge tubs of Desitin and A &D ointment that you really need with a newborn....so much poop! LOL! This has been a Godsend recommendation from my friend and fellow new Mommy Rain Pryor. Thanks to Rain and Diapers.com, being a new Mommy isn't as challenging!

YAY for Diapers.com!!

Crawling Backwards..

2009-02-02T09:47:00.000-08:00

Little Declan has been crawling backwards the last couple of days. He will get on his knees and bounce and then scoot backwards. He has figured out that by moving his arms and hands sideways he can turn to different objects that he wants to play with or put in his mouth. He likes the mat that came with the play yard he got from Fischer-Price. They recalled it thankfully before anything happened to my precious baby, but we kept the animals from the mobile and the gymnastic like mat so he can exercise on it. He is getting so strong! I am very happy I am still breastfeeding him..you really can tell it makes a difference. He is now giving us voluntary baby kisses and showing his likes and dislikes clearer now. Last night at 4:30 baby started to make noise so I went to see about him. He was very wet! I had to change his clothes and diaper and Daddy came to help. Patrick is so sweet and kind and considerate with me and the baby. He got me a glass of water afterwards because he knows I get thirsty after I nurse. Little baby went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until 7:30...right before Daddy's alarm goes off! It is fun to listen to him play on the monitor for a little while while we lay in bed. It makes me so happy that that is the first thing I hear in the morning!