Adding Zest to your Nest

Overcoming Childhood Sexual Abuse

2011-08-29T00:55:00.003-05:00

While discussing post traumatic stress disorder and the long-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse, my husband asked me, “How did you overcome it?” The question took me aback. I had almost forgotten.

It seems a lifetime ago, but in the early years of our marriage, sexual intimacy was difficult for me. Sometimes I couldn't bear it at all. I felt guilty when I pushed my husband away and angry when I didn't. Sometimes out of nowhere, vivid sensory memories interrupted my peace and stopped me cold. Frequent nightmares made me afraid to sleep. Rage seemed to always simmer just below the surface.

How did I overcome it? It wasn't one thing. I prayed. I wrote. I went to therapy. I sketched. I forgave my abuser, and shared Jesus with him. Then I agreed to testify against him, because forgiveness is different from letting an abuser continue to abuse.

When horrific memories took over my senses, causing me to feel and hear past abuse, I stomped my foot to jolt my body back to the present. When my mind wandered, I focused on my husband's face and talked to him.

At some point that got lost in the busyness of life, I moved on.

When I was still suffering from PTSD symptoms, I couldn't imagine ever feeling free with my husband. Now the trauma gives me understanding, but cannot hurt me. I no longer have to whisper, looking down with my hand over my mouth, when I speak of the years of sexual assaults. I can say it out loud, making eye contact, without hesitation. I can also forget about it for months or years at a time. Now I enjoy my husband's love with my whole body, heart and mind.

I share this with a prayer for those of you who still suffer as a result of sexual abuse. There's no easy answer. Everyone has a different experience, and some suffer longer than others. Take heart. You survived for a purpose. God himself will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 5:6-11, NIV

Tamma
Follow me to Tamma's Song

A recipe for Changing Our Men?!

2011-07-29T01:32:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wish God would change your husband – his ways, actions, reactions, or his opinions? {Maybe a better question is: Is there anyone out there who has never wished that their husbands would change in some way? Grin. Of course all of us need to change in some way!}

As wives and home-managers, whose job descriptions require us to make daily evaluations of the home and family - and fix what is needed to be fixed, it’s really easy to see areas where our husbands need change. And it’s even easier to assume that we’re the ones who can bring it about. We have this persistent idea that if we plead or pout or nag or explain or “mention” in just the right way, we can bring a much-needed-lasting change to our husbands.

Fortunately for us (because who really wants that responsibility???), that will never work. Only God can bring lasting change to our men…Just as only God can bring lasting change to us.

If you’re in a situation with your husband where your hands are tied (not the bedroom-kind, haha), here’s a recipe that I promise will work. It’s not a quick and easy fix, but it is one that will bring peace to your heart as you wait for God to work in the life of your man.

Instead of trying to employ feminine wiles on your husbands, try this: P.R.A.Y.

I've employed this method for many years, and found it to bring great peace to both my heart and my mind. As you're stirring up this recipe, just remember: God sees all, knows all, loves all, and works all things out - somehow - for His glory - which is also His best (good) in each life. God even uses those who aren't seeking Him to somehow accomplish His work in the lives of those who are. That's just how God works. And I find great comfort in that!

P - Pour out your heart to God. Tell Him all about it. Tattle-tale on your man to God, if you need to. Dump the details at His feet. (Of course, He already knows each detail, but it is for our benefit that He tells us to come to Him and pour out our hearts to Him.) Plus, this sometimes just plain feels good to tell on him! ;-)

Ask God to show you if you are bitter toward him in any way. Then, sweet friends, for your own good, pour out that bitterness. In your heart, you know that bitterness is doing neither you nor your husband any good. Bitterness is a poison that can weigh you down and absolutely destroy you. It will do nothing to bring about lasting change in your husband. In fact, it just might push him further in the opposite direction. Pour it all out before the Lord.

R – Release your man to God. Picture him at the wounded feet of Jesus, who loves both of you so. You can trust God with your husband. God can do more than you could ever imagine to do in, through, about, and around your man and your situation. Release your husband it into God’s All-Capable hands.

A - Ask God to bless your man. This is a biggie. Especially if you are struggling with bitterness toward him about something or over how something or someone is handled. Our natural tendency is to pray that “God will get ‘em!” Asking God to bless an offending person or situation requires that our focus switch from "what I think is best" to "what God knows is best". It may require going back to the Pouring out and the Releasing stages several times to be able to honestly ask God to bless your husband. But it's worth it!

Y - Yield to the leading of the Holy Spirit in your own life. In other words... say Yes to obedience. Make sure that you are in right relationship with God, confessed up, and ready/willing to say "yes" to whatever it is that God asks you to do. This may bring on a fresh battle with pride in your own life - but with God's help, Humility (and you) can win!

Psalm 62 speaks beautifully about our roles in changing others:

"Only God can save me, and I calmly wait for him.

God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe

and the fortress where I am secure...

Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on him.

God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe,

and he is the fortress where I feel secure.

God saves me and honors me.

He is that mighty rock where I find safety.

Trust God, my friends, and always tell him each one of your concerns.

God is our place of safety.

We humans are only a breath; none of us are truly great.

All of us together weigh less than a puff of air.

Don't trust in violence or depend on dishonesty or rely on great wealth.

I heard God say two things:

"I am powerful,

and I am very kind."

The Lord rewards each of us according to what we do."

Psalm 62: 1-2, 5-12 (CEV)

Friends, I'm positive I'm not the first person to come up with an acrostic to the word "pray", but the Lord unfolded this to me about my own husband, and I'm praying that it will be a help to some of you, too~

(This method actually works with all circumstances we face, when we can do nothing to change the situations we, or our loved ones find ourselves facing.)

When your hands are tied: P.R.A.Y. and then watch for what God will do. He is powerful and He is very kind.

Much love to my "Slow Cooking" friends~
Jennifer

"Faith, Family, Food, Fun, Life, Love, and Living it all through Jesus Christ" ... and sharing it all on my blog: www.SmellingCoffee.com. Look for and “like” Smelling Coffee on Facebook.

Game Ideas for Zesty Married Couples

2011-07-01T02:06:00.000-05:00

Lovemaking can be comforting, thrilling, healing, cleansing, and strengthening. It can also be downright fun! But when I tried looking up some zesty game ideas online. . . oh my! Even with a web filter in safe mode, some things came up that I did not want to see! For my fellow sisters in Christ who have playful hearts, I offer these game ideas that you can read without fear.

Guess What? Gather together household items with interesting and pleasant textures, smells, and tastes. Blindfold your husband with a sleep mask or bandana. With your husband resting comfortably (however much or little clothing he wears for this is up to you two), gently stroke him with one item at a time (wherever you touch is up to you—let him be surprised). See if he can guess the item. If the item is fragrant, be sure to pass it under his nose. If it tastes good, caress his lips with it, or give him a taste. Take turns. See who can guess the most items.

Flashlight Using a small flashlight in a totally dark room, point to one spot on your body. Your husband gets to kiss you in that one spot only. Point to another spot. Turn the flashlight on and off, bring it in close, or pull back for broader areas. Take turns controlling the light.

Slip-and-slide Tuck a shower curtain, or clean tarpaulin, over your mattress. Add a few squirts of baby oil. Strip down, and you're ready to go!

Draw Start with index cards (or you can use pieces of paper). Cut the cards in half, and separate into two stacks. On each card of the first stack, write an action. (Kiss, dance, etc.) Include a mixture of sweet, zesty, and silly actions. On each card of the second stack, write a body part. Any body part, not just the zesty ones. Mix up the cards in each stack, but keep the stacks separate. Husband and wife take turns drawing one card from each stack, then doing what the cards say, with the person's own interpretation. For example, Kiss / lips directs a kiss, but it could be gentle or passionate. Dance/nose can be quite silly.

Zesty Charades Start with a stack of index cards, cut in half (or use paper or card stock). On each card, write a zesty word or phrase. Include those special words that you only use with your spouse in the bedroom, along with words like position, and heat, that only sound zesty, because of the mood. Make as many zesty words and phrases as you can think of, shuffle the cards, and put them face down. Set a timer. You get two minutes to act out as many words as you can, without speaking. Then it's your husband's turn. Spice this up even more by adding a special zesty reward for the winner.

Secret word Blindfold your hubby with a sleep mask or bandana. Write a zesty one-word suggestion somewhere on his body with a tasty treat, like chocolate syrup, honey, or canned whipped cream (something with a nozzle for writing). Use sugar-free, if sugar is an issue. If he guesses the word, he gets a taste of the treat, and another word. If he misses, it's your turn.

Board games You can turn regular board games into zesty games by changing a few rules. Checkers: add a zesty treat for jumping, for capturing a checker and for crowning. Monopoly: collect zesty rewards for landing on property and passing go. Scrabble? Only zesty words allowed. Don't forget about good old-fashioned strip poker. And if you're still bendy enough: Naked Twister!

Puts a whole new spin on Game Night, doesn't it? ::wink:: Never lose the fun of lovemaking! If you have a zesty game idea, please share it. We Christians need a safe place to share and learn. Remember, you can remain anonymous, if you're shy.

Tamma

The Nooner Revisited

2011-06-27T06:35:00.000-05:00

Julie's note: I'm having all sorts of fun health issues so Zesty inspirations are not even close to being on my radar. I hate that for a lot of reasons, but one reason is because I love when I can come in here and encourage you. I've been praying on it and decided I'll re post some in case you missed any.

This is my first post ever to Zest and I was a guest. I still get remarks about this one. One thing I will say outright, that picture is NOT my husband. It is a Flikr image that met the theme. :)

When it comes to marital sexual experience, I tend to be a bit on the naïve side. In 1976, my parents listened to the one local radio station that played the same summer hit each hour, Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. The station played that song so often there are still summer days when I’m visiting my mom’s and relaxing on the porch, I’m certain I still hear the song. Thing is, it was only very recently when revelation hit. That song must have been about the “nooner”!

Flikr image

Although a secular term, I’m here to encourage Christian wives to enjoy this term now listed in the Urban Dictionary. A nooner is defined as “sex done at lunch, your lunch break, or around noon.” It’s a Christian marriage’s best kept secret. The topic doesn’t come up in conversation often, but when it does; both the husbands and wives wear a sly smile.

I’m task oriented so when I worked in an office setting, noon meant time to eat a sandwich and maybe take a walk. Once married, my husband’s office was across the street. Our home was five minutes away. I realized through experience that men enjoy a nooner. When I spoke with my girlfriends (after someone else brought up the topic) we discovered our hubbies really like this idea. We also confessed once we skipped lunch and went home for dessert, we enjoyed the nooner too.

Google has 348,000 hits for nooner, but not a lot of information on how it affects a marital relationship between spouses, especially Christian ones. From my marriage ministry experience I know men have one folder at a time mind set. When they have the sex folder out, it doesn’t matter the time. It’s the only folder on their mind. Husbands generally like spontaneity more than their beloved, so a nooner fits the bill. There isn’t a lot of time, it’s not planned, and it’s a bit risky.

For those that work outside the home, it’s risky because the lunch hour is pretty much that, an hour. Sixty minutes for drive time, the nooner, the redress and check hair time before returning to work. Once back at work, your face will yield a glow that will make people think you went to the spa for a facial.

I remember nooner opportunities as a stay at home mom. Not only was I task oriented, I was paranoid. Naps were times for me to dash around the house and get things done. If my husband convinced me to pursue some afternoon delight, he had to turn on the baby monitor and lock the doors. Women operate with accordion folder type thinking and my mind was exploring the ways this experience could go wrong.

Sound familiar? If so, I encourage you to let your guard down. As a new Christian, still single, a woman prayed over me in very specific ways. She even prayed that I would embrace the thought that it was ok to “be the devil in bed” as long as it was comfortable (and legal) for both of us. I assumed Christian marriages were puritan and flat. Allowing God to broaden my mind and trust my husband with something different proved to be fun, an afternoon delight if you will.

I dare you to give a nooner a try, even initiating an encounter.

It will be our secret that your glow didn’t come from the spa.

http://juliearduini.com

Surrendering the good, the bad, and---maybe one day---the chocolate

Read The Surrendered Scribe Blog Fiction Friday: No Idea

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The Blue Bird of Happiness Plan

2011-06-20T04:31:00.000-05:00

…Another recipe for "slow-cooking wives" to warm up to our "microwave men."

Almost 19 years ago, we were given this little glass blue bird as a wedding gift.

The tag hanging around its neck said to put it in the window so it would bring joy and happiness in our home. It was a sweet gift, but we didn’t have a window that it would sit in. We didn’t really know what to do with it, so eventually; the blue bird of happiness nested itself in a corner of a guest room drawer.

Back then, I was a “shy" bride, and just couldn’t bring myself to initiate sex with my husband. I think I was afraid of rejection – as in “What if he doesn’t want to tonight?? Would it be because he’s not attracted to me… after all, that’s all men think about, isn’t it?” My mind whirled out of control with unfounded fear of rejection. I quickly concluded that it was safer to let my husband do the initiating.

Besides, people weren’t talking openly about sex in those days, and in my deep-southern culture, if “proper ladies” did initiate sex with their husbands, they surely didn’t kiss and tell! However, somewhere deep down inside, I knew that my husband needed to know that I wanted intimacy with him just as much as he wanted it with me. Only, I didn’t have the confidence to approach him in that way.

One day, God gave me an idea… He reminded me of that little glass bluebird tucked away in a drawer. I pulled it out, prayed through God’s inspired plan, and presented it to James that night. From then on, the Bluebird of Happiness had a purpose I’m sure it’s creators never dreamed.

The plan worked well for this shy bride, and eventually the bird wasn’t so necessary. However, it still sits on the back corner my nightstand, as a reminder of the happiness we experienced as we learned to unselfishly love each other early in our married life. I smile every time I see it. (In fact, I pulled it out not too long ago!) ;-)

The Blue Bird of Happiness Plan is simple. It would work with ANY object. It can be used by both husband and wife. If you’re having a hard time initiating sex with your husband, this might work for you. OR, if you find that your husband doesn’t give you enough time to mentally “warm up” to intimacy with him, he might want to use the Blue Bird of Happiness Plan on you.

Simply agree on an object you will use. Then, when either of you would like to have sex that day, set the object out somewhere in the house where it will be visible to the other. Since both of you now know that sometime during that day you’ll be enjoying intimacy, your slow-cooking Crock Pot mind can catch up with your microwave man. And... your microwave man can have something to look forward to all day long!

We made a fun game out of where to set the bluebird. If I set it out and my husband saw it, he’d move it to let me know he got the message. I’d do the same when he would set it out for me. We'd try to find a more creative spot each time we set out the bird.

To this day, our children are still asking about that bird – why we have it hidden on the night stand, and why sometimes its out in the house… We just smile and say that it brings us joy and happiness. One day, for a wedding gift, we just might let them in on the secret, and give them a Blue Bird of Happiness of their own. :-)

From one "Slow-Cooker" to another~
Jennifer
http://www.smellingcoffee.com/
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