The Toolshed

All Good Things Must Come to an End

2009-07-03T08:00:00.002-04:00

I have held on for as long as I could, but I can't do it anymore. I no longer have the time, energy, or desire. It's over. This is my good bye.

It is the heart of the off season for every sport that I truly care about and I can't continue searching through the days news cycle to make a post about something pointless...I actually wrote a post about Ozzie Guillen that didn't include something about him calling Jay Mariotti a faggot, unacceptable.

The real world is calling me and it is time for me to get on the grind. I need to find a fucking job. And continue to bother the ass holes at the grad school until they have no choice but to accept me. Christ, I plan on moving to Columbus in August and I don't even have a place to live yet.

Since day one I have done this blog on my time. I don't get paid for this, obviously. I didn't even think it was possible to get paid for this. I don't do this on company time. If that were the case then I would be putting out three posts a day. Staying up until 1:00 AM to finish up a post just isn't working for anymore. It has become a drag. I'm just not willing to put in that same effort that I was before.

Will I post occasionally? No, that's gay. Will I fire it back up once football season rolls around? I hope so. This blogosphere was built upon the NFL and College Football and I hope to continue that when the time comes. But who knows, I may be homeless and unemployed by the time football season rolls around. Either way, you won't here from me until then.

I love all of you, and by all of you I mean Brian Dawkins.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Wrigley Field Is Just A Bar

2009-07-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

Suck on that one, Lou. Why don't you and your queerish catcher go toke a J to that one, you fucking hippie. Don't come to the south side talking shit about a boost in ticket sales, bitch. For the last time, you don't fuck with Ozzie Guillen. Ever.

Ozzie has gotten the White Sox back on track, and the south siders are just 4 games back from the lowly Detroit Tigers. All of the sudden the bats are starting to get it going and our pitchers are actually getting this amazing little thing called run support. The Sox have averaged almost seven runs per game in their last ten games, which is almost seven runs per game more than their season average. Jermaine Dye is just continuing to be an All Star and A. J. Pierzynski is continuing to be my favorite baseball player ever. Podsednik has been a miracle coming back to the Sox, leading the team in batting average and stolen bases despite only playing in 52 games for the Sox thus far. All that and Carlos Quentin is due to come back from the DL after the All Star break. Hells yeah.

If we could just find a fifth pitcher who didn't look like a struck match and wasn't named Jose Contreras we would be all set to make a deep playoff run. Maybe we can work Poreda into the starting rotation to see what he's got? I don't know, but Contreras needs to be moved. Him and the elite athlete that is Bartolo Colon. Despite sporting one of the sickest hair cuts ever, he is just dead weight. A metric ton of dead weight.

And if you need another reason to jump on the White Sox bandwagon--of course you don't--we have a cake walk into the All Star break. We took two of three from the Dodgers, the team with the best record in baseball. We took two of three from the Cubs, the team that everybody hates, even Barack Obama. We are going to finish up the sweep of the hilariously terrible Tribe tonight. Then we get a four game series against the Royals, another three game sweep of the Tribe, and then a three game series against the Twins. Looks to me like we are winning 9 of our next 11 games, at least 8.

Now we roll. So jump on board people, there is plenty of room. For fucks sake, it's Ozzie Guillen, how can you not believe.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Feelin' Kinda Monday: My Shot at Breaking Down the NBA Draft, Confederation's Cup Final, and Assault by Way of Golf Ball

2009-06-29T08:00:00.004-04:00

NBA Draft Winners and Losers

The San Antonio Spurs are obviously the biggest winners. By some miracle, no ACL's, DeJuan Blair fell into their laps with the 37th pick. I love it, an aggressive rebounder on the defensive and offensive glass, just what we needed. Then we got Jack McClinton, another guy who I thought could have went earlier. At first, I wasn't completely sold on the pick because he was basically known for being a shooter and that's all. But supposedly Pop fell in love with this kid because of his tenacious D, so if Pop like it, I like it. Nando De Colo was our last pick, he will be in Europe for four or five years before the NBA sees him.
Loser: New York Knicks. I don't think Jordan Hill will ever be anything more than average in the NBA. He is a good defender and good rebounder, but when it comes to offensive game, he's got ZERO. They wanted a PG and even though Rubio and Curry were gone, I think they could have gotten a good one with Jennings. Plus, they actually traded to GET Darko Milicic. Morons.
Loser: Oklahoma City Thunder. I don't know why, but I just feel that James Harden is going to be a bust...he certainly shouldn't have been the third player picked. And the number one sign of a loser on draft day is somebody who drafts a Center who is a former Fuckeye. Add B.J. Mullens to the list of Fuckeye busts.
Loser: Orlando Magic. They didn't have any picks, but I absolutely hated their trade with the Nets. As I said before, I think Courtney Lee is going to be very good in the Association. I think they should have kept Rafer Alston around just in case Nelson goes down, again. Vince Carter teams just don't win. It doesn't happen. They would have been better off if they had resigned Turkoglu and tried to make another run with the same team. The last thing they needed was a big shake up.
Winner: Memphis Grizzlies. Hasheem Thabeet can be a dominant force in the NBA if he can beef up a little bit and work on his offensive game. I think his offensive game is a bit underrated right now and he will step in and contribute on both ends right away. DeMarre Carroll has the talent and potential to be drafted in the top 15. Think Josh Howard minus the hashish. Getting Sam Young in the second round is a great pick up, even if he looks older than Greg Oden.
WTF?: Minnesota Timberwolves. Ricky Rubio will not be signing with your team. Ever. Why even waste your time? If they really wanted a couple guards then they should have drafted Curry and Flynn at 5 and 6. I do like the Wayne Ellington pick, he is within range when he walks into the gym.

American Futbol

I actually watched the entire Final of the Confederation's Cup featuring Brazil vs. USA.
It was actually interesting and exciting during the first half. USA was on the offensive throughout the half and really had Brazil on their heals.
The little give and go play , or whatever they call it in soccer, for the Americans second goal between Davies and Donovan was brilliant.
Unfortunately, all the fun ended when the first half ended. Brazil came out of the half and scored their first goal just 30 seconds into the second half. Brazil owned us in every aspect throughout the rest of the game, despite the referee not counting what was an obvious goal by the Brazilians.
We lost 3-2, and it very easily could have been 5-2 had our goalie not been playing out of his mind. Brazil had eleven shots on goal, that's ridiculous... We had four.
I have no idea who Clint Dempsey is or how he had performed leading up to this game, but I do know that he was rotten this match. He was repeatedly beaten and abused on the defensive end, including being out jumped by Brazil's Lucio for the game winning goal.
Also, Jozy Altidore sucks. What an over-hyped bum.
The USA just isn't going to win on that level, at least no consistently. Brazil outmatched the U.S. at every position. Soccer isn't our game. Hell, it isn't even our fourth game--sorry soccer fans. Guess what the greatest athletes in Brazil grow up wanting to be. You guessed it, Soccer players. Guess what the greatest athletes in the U.S. grow up wanting to be. You guessed it, not Soccer players. Until that changes, the U.S. can't run with the big boys.
I'm not sure why soccer hasn't grown in the U.S. either. You would think it would be something popular in the inner cities since all you need is a ball and two goals...one of the same reasons why basketball is so popular in the inner cities. But the one thing basketball holds over soccer right now, and forever, is star power. U.S. soccer needs to find it's Michael Jordan and market the shit out of him. And not some scrub like Freddy Adu. I mean the real fucking deal.

I Took One in the Ass Yesterday

No, you sick fuckers. Get your minds out of the gutter.
I went golfing yesterday.
I was finishing up and average round, I believe I was +5 after eight.
If you are not familiar with the Naptown Municipal layout, let me describe it: Every drive you hit will likely end up on another fairway. That pretty much sums it up.
So I tee off on hole nine and I pull it a little left. It makes it over the gully on one and is just left of the line of pine trees.
I step up to my ball, wondering how in the hell I am going to cut a seven iron around seven pine trees, and then get ready to swing.
BOOM! Something has struck me directly in the left butt cheek and it hurts like a sumbitch. I'm a bit confused because I didn't see anybody hitting in the area, but I realize I have just been struck by a golf ball.
Turns out somebody was teeing off from the tips on hole 1 and didn't see me on his hole. Turns out this guy happens to be pretty good and can strike his driver with great velocity and efficiency. It turns out that's exactly what he did when he hit his driver and sent the ball screaming towards my ass.
Ouch.
I didn't finish the hole.
You may have just looked at a picture of my ass. Fag.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

The Death of an Icon. My Ode to Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

How shocking is this news? I haven't heard a word about the King of Pop for four years and then all of the sudden he ends up dead...crazy. I can't lie, the first thing I thought when I heard the news was suicide. Maybe I'm wrong, he was apparently gearing up for another tour. Either way, the news is unfortunate. I'm not even going to touch on the all the legal issues he has faced throughout his lifetime; the truth is, that guy was fucked from birth and deserves more sympathy than condemnation.

So here are my favorite five songs from the greatest entertainer in the history of entertainment.

"Billie Jean"- 1982. This is a top 5 song ever. The song begins and you immediately know that you are about to listen to a classic. The funny thing is, this song is actually based on a serious situation where Jackson was accused of fathering a child with one of his fans...No, I refuse to make a joke about pedophilia.

"Smooth Criminal"-1987. Remember the movie "Moonwalker?" Yeah, me either, but it was the centerpiece to the movie. Despite being the seventh single of his Bad album, it has become one of his most popular songs. I can't lie, I really became a huge fan of this song after Alien Ant Farm re-made it. I'm embarrassed to admit this.

"Thriller" -1982. This is probably the most well known song in the world. It is definitely the most watched music video of all time. It is also the best choreographed music video of all time. I mean, come on, who doesn't know the Thriller dance? Everybody knows at least part of it. Even Donovan McNabb can do it.

"I Want You Back"-1969. This song is great. I know it is Jackson 5, but we all know it was all about Michael. Unfortunately, this was probably the beginning of his downfall. His father destroyed any chance Michael ever had at growing up to be normal from this point on. That doesn't change the greatness of the song though. Click the link and enjoy.

"Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"-1979. A true classic. The first single that Michael Jackson ever had complete control over. This was the first glimpse that people had into the great artist the Jackson would become. Chris Tucker owned this song in Rush Hour 2.

Watching this videos it doesn't even seem like I am talking about the same person who we know as Michael Jackson today.

Again, no matter what your perspective on his life or death, it is tragic.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Can There be Two Kings in Cleveland?

2009-06-25T10:08:00.005-04:00

The Cleveland Cavaliers pulled the trigger yesterday on a trade that vaults them right back atop the Eastern Conference. The Cavs bring in Shaquille O'Neal from Phoenix and ship out the corpse of Ben Wallace and a man named Sasha, as well as the 46th pick in the draft and a bundle of cash. Wow. Just one day after the Spurs make a mega deal to land Richard Jefferson and stake their claim for next year's NBA title, the Cavs fire back by bringing in the Diesel.

The Cavs really needed to do something about their front court. Big Z is a pansy and you can't expect much more out of him than some jump shots. Varejoa is an aggressive defender, but he is hapless on the offensive end and doesn't possess enough control on the defensive end to be consistently effective. You had to see this move coming. After Dwight Howard owned Cleveland in the playoffs you knew Danny Ferry was going to have to make a move to get a big man, a move he should have made five months ago. Now the Cavs can feel confident in their match ups down low when they go up against the likes of Kevin Garnett and Dwight Howard, even if Shaq is on his last leg.

There was also a report that the Cavs would have gone after Tyson Chandler had they not been able to agree on a deal for Shaq. Honestly, I think Chandler would have been a better move. Chandler is one of the most athletic big men in the Association right now. He is going to make 60% of his shots, mostly dunks, and he is going to grab you nine boards per game. He only averages one block per game, but that doesn't tell the whole story. He is a disruptive player on the defensive end who really gets after it in the middle. And unlike Shaq, he can play an entire game if needed. I hate, HATE, Anderson Varejoa, but having him and Chandler side by side would be an imposing frontline. The only problem with bringing in Chandler is that he would be their for two years. He has a an 2010-11 player option for $12.4 mil, which means it would hamper the Cavs ability to make a big splash in what is going to be the craziest free agency period ever.

The real issue, in my mind, is whether or not Shaq and Lebron can coexist for an entire season. I believe they can, but each of them are going to have to tone down their personalities a bit. Lebron is the clear leader of that team. He coaches them up. He motivates them. And he isn't afraid to get after his teammates if they aren't carrying their load. That shit doesn't fly with Shaq. Shaq has never been on a team where he wasn't the leader, even in Phoenix. I find it hard to believe there was anybody in that locker room that could have reigned Shaq in. Shaq is used to being Batman, while a young guard plays his Robin in their quest for a title. Not anymore, this is Lebron's team. Lebron just needs to know how to handle the Diesel. The fact is Shaq is going to take some plays off. Hell, he will take some entire games off and the Cavs will lose some games because of it. That's just something you have to accept with Shaq and hope that he can bring it throughout the playoffs. But that's okay Cavs fans, that's exactly what you got him for.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Gregg Popovich Sends Me an Angel From Above

2009-06-24T08:00:00.001-04:00

Just when I thought this cold, cruel world was taking a collective shit all over my face, a text from G$,"Your Spurs just became the favorites next year," alerts me that Gregg Popovich has sent me a gift from above--or from Milwaukee. Yesterday the Spurs and Bucks struck a deal that sends Richard Jefferson so San Antonio for the the likes of Bruce Bowen(I like him, but he's an old BUM), Kurt Thomas(BUM), and Fabricio Oberto(greasy BUM that could drop dead any second). The Bucks were looking to clear up some space to re-sign Ramon Sessions and Charlie Villinueva and the Spurs were more than willing to take Jefferson off there hands, especially with the added bonus of parting ways with three players that barely contributed last year. This is a great move for the Spurs, who are making it pretty obvious they are going to do everything in their power to win a title in the next two years.

How can we not be the favorites? The Lakers will be good, but will they be able to keep both Ariza and Odom? I don't think so. Even if they do I like our chances. The West will be loaded, again, but there aren't any other teams in the West that can beat the Spurs in a seven game series. Lebron won't win a title in Cleveland. Jesus couldn't win a title in Cleveland. The Celtics have one more year left to make a run, so they are probably the biggest threat, but I like our starting lineup just a little bit better now. Orlando has a shot, but Howard is still kind of a piece of shit. And Stan Van Gundy is still on the sidelines. Spurs=Championship.

Tim Duncan is still the best big man in the NBA. Say what you want, but don't tell me there is another guy you would take if you need to win one game. Until Dwight Howard grows out of his vagina, which could be next year, Timmy is still the best big man.

Is Tony Parker the best point guard in the Association? Maybe. As of right now the only guy that can be put ahead of him is Chris Paul. Rajon Rondo and Derek Rose will be in the discussion for years to come, but Parker has a leg up on them for now. The scary thing is, Parker is still getting better. People forget he is only 27. If he can increase his jump shot percentage by just a couple percent, he could be the perfect point guard. But it's hard to blame the guy for not working on his shot when he is banging Eva Longoria.

Oh Manu, my favorite player of all. Is it really fair to even call him a sixth man? If that's the case then he should have won the award the last four years. The ankle injuries really worry me, but he won't be suiting up for Argentina this summer so he should be 100% by the beginning of the season. I expect Manu to return to his form in the 07-08 season, scoring 17 ppg and hitting 40% of his three point attempts. Viva La Résistance!

And the new guy, Richard Jefferson. I'm expecting big things. I don't think he will be able to match his previous numbers because he will probably be our fourth scoring option, maybe third, but his production will be infinitely better than anything we got from the number 3 spot in the past. San Antonio really needed a wing to work with our "drive and dish" type offense so hopefully he can keep up his three point shot, he shot a career best 39% last year, but he is a guy who can create his own offense as well--which means no more stagnate offense that features Parker dribbling around for twenty seconds and then launching up a three, dammit was that annoying--. He is going to have to get back down into the paint a little bit as well. He averaged over six rebounds per game with the Nets--or at least when he actually gave a shit about the Nets-- and he will need to have similar numbers for the Spurs. He will need to check his ego at the door, but Pop is one of the best so I don't have any worries.

Is there a better starting lineup in the Association than Parker, Manu, Jefferson, Gooden, and Duncan? Uh, No. That being said, the Spurs bench is now paper thin. But I think the odds are pretty good that either Bowen or Thomas, or both, make there way back to San Antonio. The Spurs really need to find some help in the middle though. I'm assuming that we will be bringing over a big man or two from Europe to see how they fair, and that is fine by me. We can't afford to go after anybody else after this move.

What a great move. Thank Science we didn't get Vince Carter's worthless ass last year.

The Championship goes through San Antonio next year, bitches.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Back to Square Zero

2009-06-23T03:00:00.001-04:00

This post is brought to you by Acronis Recovery Systems. I completely forgot I had this software installed on my computer. It allowed me to restore my system to a previous date without trojan horses, malware, and viruses. This post is also brought to you by Jack Daniels, the only thing keeping the sharp knife next to me from plunging into my aorta.

Boy oh boy, wasn't yesterday a great day. I was able to fix my computer and it is running like a well oiled machine once again. I would like to keep it this way, so I guess I will have to go back to the magazines if you know what I mean. After I fixed my computer a begrudgingly went back to the barber who had butchered me the last seven times. He must have got some new clippers because my hair turned out magnificent--or or good as a $10 hair cut can buy. I only had to work a five hour day. I got home and my dad needed some help fixing the lawn mower, but I was more than happy to do so...there is something gratifying about helping the old man put on a new mower belt and getting a little dirty and bloodied in the process. And to top it all off, I found out the two of my Convict Cichlids have procreated and now I have about 30 new spawn in my fish tank. Great day.

Wouldn't you know it that I got some mail from a certain graduate school. I get two pieces of mail. One, a bulletin outlining their schedule for the 2009-2010 academic year with information on how to and when to register. The second, a letter from the Chair of the Department of Counselor Education. After reading through the fist bulletin, I like what they have to offer and already have an idea of what my schedule will be like this coming fall. After reading through the letter I realize that my admission has "regretfully" not been approved. Well fuck me in the ass with a Greg Louganis dick.

Wow, yesterday fucking blew. I spent three fucking hours trying to figure out how this Acronis software works. I'm not Bill fucking Gates, I don't speak computer douche bag. I'm going to download so much porn that Larry Flynt will be reincarnated as my hard drive(I know he is still alive, but barely). It was fucking Monday, god I hate work. I get off work and have to pick a mower belt at an auto store. The retarts are supposed to have it ready for me to pick up. They don't, so it takes me twenty fucking minutes to get it. I get home and try to put the belt on and they gave me the wrong fucking size. My dad goes back up and gets two new belts to try--I am forced to cancel my golf date with Lil Strut and I shed a few tears. The first belt, of course, doesn't work. And to make matters worse I am laying on the cement sweating my balls off cranking a ratchet while a sharp corner gashed my elbow with every turn. Now I probably have tetanus. The new fish should be good news, but I probably created a new speices. I have about 15 Convict Cichlids and they all came from two original fish. Now father and daughter have made babies and they are sure to come out with seven heads, eight ass holes, and zero gills. What a shitty day.

Let me sidetrack a bit here. I just read Mark Titus' most recent blog over at Club Tril and I was truly disappointed, I was really hoping that the reason he hadn't posted in so long was because there was a copycat of the "Craigslist killer" and Titus was kidnapped after someone took him up on his offer for an erotic scrotum massage. One more reason why this day sucks.

So what the hell do I do know? LikeWhoa advised me to burn that "mothafucker", referring to the school, to the ground. First, I think I will beg for mercy like a little bitch and hope that they let me in. Then, after they undoubtedly say "Thanks, but no thanks," I will burn that mothafucker to the ground.

I've already committed to going to Columbus, so fuck it, I'm going. I don't care if I have to give blumpkins at Daniel's favorite hang out, the Plugged Nickel, to make ends meet, the ends will be meetin' like a mothafucka.

Also, much to Mrs. Ace's disapproval, I tried out this stuff called "Snus" made by Camel tonight. It is the new tobacco that is targeted at 11 year olds who would like to get a buzz while chewing gum. And it works. The package says use one pouch for up to 30 minutes and enjoy the tingle. Well I have a better suggestion. Pound half a bottle of Jack and then shove five in your mouth...I've never tried acid, but I have to imagine the effects are similar. I'm fighting off dragons as I finish this post.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Feelin' Kinda Monday

2009-06-21T23:11:00.003-04:00

Ribfest

If you missed the Ribfest then you missed a good time...probably not, but who cares booze and ribs WHOO!
I believe I saw some familiar faces that read this blog there. I'm pretty sure Dustin was there, but when we told him to go get some beer he vanished like the Weasel he is. You selfish bastard.
One true friend did show up and bring the good times with him. Lil Strut and I got the night off to a great start by pounding pitchers at Speng's in the afternoon. Then the party moved over to Club Ace as Mrs. Ace, Lil Strut, and myself enjoyed some booze and ribs while sitting in the front window of your favorite Ace hardware and watching the townies look foolish. Good times.
At this point, it becomes a little blurry. I know I made it up to RSB and I know I paid a ridiculous amount of money for some shots and beers--actually I think Mrs. Ace paid--but it is all blackout from that point on.
Turns out I can't handle my booze like I used to--which you think I would have figured out by now--and walked back to Mrs. Ace's parents place and passed out on their loveseat...at 11:00 PM. A whole new definition of lightweight.
To be fair, I had an alcoholic beverage in my hand for at least eight straight hours...that's still no excuse.

OMG, Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre!

The word on the street is that Brett Favre has already signed a contract with the Minnesota Vikings...or at least that is what some military officer over in Afghanistan has said--exactly what I want my tax money going towards.
Are you guys seeing what is happening? Not only is Brett Favre an egotistical, self-absorbed dick, he is also working in direct coordination with the Taliban. Not even our Armed Forces can concentrate with all this Brett Favre suspense.
Again, I just want to remind you how awesome I am. I called this back in February. What a taint.
Let's just end this fucking circus already.

U.S. Open

Even though the wet conditions have lengthened the Open by a day, it has allowed players to be more aggresive in their approaches and in turn bring out some good numbers.
Ricky Barnes will not win the Open. His putter was getting shaking at the end of his third round. He relies too much on his strength. He got a ridiculous amount of breaks yesterday to save his ass, he won't be so lucky today.
Both Glover and Barnes will come back to the field in the final round.
I can't possibly pick Phil, even though this might be the first time I am actually pulling for him.
If my boy Bubba Watson can get to -4 I think he can take it. I don't think he can get there, but I'm still sticking with him.
Hunter Mahan is your eventual winner.
Side Note: Apparently some of the golfers are not thrilled with the hecklers at Bethpage. Normally, I would be all for heckling. But this is the fucking U.S. Open, not some club championship. The last thing I want is some Long Island guidos hassling the best golfers in the world, especially when some of the best shit they can come up with is, "We're on Long Island, baby, where men are men!" one fan yelled. "Put that umbrella down!" Fag off. How about I bring that umbrella up there and shove it up your ass and open it.

I don't know if I will be able to get a post up for tomorrow. I probably will, but I'm not sure. My laptop, which I have had for six years now, has been slowly dying for the last two weeks and last night I believe it took its last gasp...and I don't even have any porn on it, WTF. I'm going to see if I can work some magic on it and get it back up in running for a little bit. But I will probably just end up smashing it in my driveway.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

F It. Feelin' Kinda Friday

2009-06-19T01:13:00.005-04:00

NFL Rundown

Two Fuckeyes made news yesterday, I don't know which one was more pathetic.
Mike Doss got drafted into the UFL. I don't care, but maybe you do. Haven't heard his name for about five years. Glad to see he's not in jail like a certain other Fuckeye.
Maurice Clarett wants out of jail early...Back of the line ass hole. His reason for getting out early is that he has opportunities in the NFL and other professional football leagues--why didn't Rae Carruth use this bargaining chip. Sorry Mo, that's fucking retarted. You suck. Lydell Ross thinks you suck. O.J. has a better chance of playing again.
Pacman will be a Cowboy soon enough. He still lives in property owned by Jerry Jones!
Chad Ocho Cinco, "It's going to be a great year; we're going to make the playoffs." Ha. I'm not sure what playoffs he is referring to, but it certainly can't be the NFL playoffs. It doesn't matter how many slumber parties he and Palmer have, Marvin Lewis is still their coach.
The Browns suspended Donte Stallworth indefinitely. Why not just cut the drunkard? You know he isn't going to be on the team this year anyways. Also, I haven't touched on this. I don't really have a problem with his sentence. He has made amends as best he can with the family of the victim. He fully cooperated. From some reports the victim literally jumped right out in front of him between parked cars. He was certainly in the wrong, but there is no reason for him to rot away in a cell for the next decade.

The U.S. Open...Again

As you may have noticed, there was a monsoon yesterday at BB so the day was lost. Those who made it out sucked for the most part and have to feel a little fucked over.
Over 70 players have yet to tee off for the first round, which should be a huge advantage.
Among them, my boy, Camilo Villegas. If the weather allows him to play today, I expect a big number...-3.
Tiger seems to have maintained throughout the poor weather. This is all he needs during the first round. As long as he is within two shots of the leader on Saturday morning, or whenever the third round will start, he is still the pick.
My super-mega upset pick is still looking solid. Bubba Watson is hanging around the top of the leaderboard at +1(+2 now). His name is fucking Bubba. How could this not be a great pick?
I just bought a new driver and now I bring the thunder off the tee. Suck on that Jack Hamm, your Hammer sucks. Who wants some?

Festival of Ribs

It's that time of year again. The Ribfest is back.
First, let me just say that it is bullshit that Ribfest is being held today, the same day that the Relay for Life is held in Naptown. There is no excuse for having the summer's two biggest attractions on the same night, basically competing with each other. Supposedly the only reason that Ribfest is being held tonight is because this was the only date open for the live band. So Ribfest's date was determined by some shitty ass band. Unless Simon and Garfunkle are coming through town, re-fucking-schedule.
Any commenter's making there way up to Ribfest? I know a couple of you are fo sho.
The ribs will probably suck, if you want great ribs sometime this weekend you know where to go, but it should be good times. The booze will be flowing--I haven't decided if this will be my final cheat day or not--there should be some cool kids mixed in amongst the many douche bags, and I hear Dustin's sister will be making an appearance...and I understand that Ribfest is quite the aphrodisiac.
The downside, the weather is going to suck all day. Thunderstorm watches with the possibility of damaging winds and a high in the upper 80's. Sounds shitty to me. Lucky for you, I have the solution.
Club Ace. We are shutting down shop at 5:30 tonight because of this Ribfest. I plan on getting my ribs, and a beer if a choose, and making my way back to the friendly confines of Ace...where I may have more beer waiting. If you're deemed cool enough, then you are more than welcome. If you are one of the previously mentioned many douche bags, sorry about your luck.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Golf, Bitches. Your U.S. Open Preview

2009-06-17T21:43:00.006-04:00

The U.S. Open gets started today at Bethpage Black and there isn't shit else going on in sports right now so I figured what the hell, I'll show off my golf expertise today. First, this course is going to suck. It's a hard enough course in favorable conditions, but the NY area has been getting soaked for a month now and the weekend forecast doesn't seem to look any better. Bethpage Black is 7,496 yards--what the fuck's the point-- and it will probably be playing like 5,000 this weekend given the weather. What's the longest par 4 you have ever played? 450 yards at the max. BB seventh hole will play a ludicrous 525 yards...that's like four drives for Dustin. If the winner is below +4 I will be impressed.

We all know that Tiger Woods is the favorite. His showing at the Memorial, his final round in particular, was where amazing happened. But Bethpage Black ain't the Memorial. This is going to be a grind. If he gets off to a good start, which he never ever does, then he could win running away. If not, there is no way he can come from behind like he did at the Memorial.

Let's take a look at some other hackers who could make a run, though.

Phil Mickelson. I'm just joking, he can't make a run. Lefty has too much on his plate right now. He's the least clutch golfer in the world, no way he can withstand the pressure.

Paul Casey. I don't follow golf all that much, especially the rankings, but did anybody else know that Paul Casey was ranked 3rd in the world? Didn't think so. This is pretty much everybody's pick after Tiger. I don't think so. He is long off the tee and has decent iron play, two things you will need to compete in this U.S. open, but his driving accuracy and putts per round are barely above the PGA average.

Padraig Harrington. You haven't really heard much from him since Tiger has came back. You will remember that his only two Majors came in the absence of Tiger. Plus he is Irish, and I hate Killians. No chance.

Here are a couple under the radar guys that I like.

Camilo Villegas. Have you seen his stance when he is studying a putt? It obviously doesn't help, he can't putt for dick, but it looks sweet. Camilo is long off the tee and in the top 5 in Greens in Regulation on tour. He has finished in the Top 10 in his last three appearances. But I'm really picking him for his putt studying stance. How could you not be intimidated?

Angel Cabrera. This guy is a man's man. While he is smoking cigs off camera he is also taking shots of tequila with his caddy. Unlike Harrington, Cabrera has won a couple Majors with Tiger in the field. It just doesn't seem like this guy gives a shit. And why should he, he's a professional golfer.

My super-mega upset special: Bubba Watson. This guy just cranks it off the tee box, averaging over 313 yards per drive. Again, you are going to have to be banging the big dog off the tee to compete this weekend, Bubba Watson is the best at it. He also finished in 5th place at Oakmont in 2007. And he also often makes it out for some early practice rounds with Tiger Woods. This is the guy, right here. Bubba Watson is your winner of the 2009 U.S. Open.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

To This Years Graduates and Beyond

2009-06-17T08:57:00.004-04:00

I'm just going to put it out there, why the fuck do kids have graduation party's? You graduate high school and that some how makes you deserving of some huge party, five different cakes, hand shakes from people you have never met, and a large sum of cash...no wonder our country is full of fucktards. "Congratulations, you just did something that is about as impressive as wiping your ass without getting poop on your finger, here's a big fucking party in your honor!"

The reason I bring this is up is because my cousin, featured in videos here here and here, had his graduation party a few weeks back. It was nothing extravagant, just a little lunch spread at a shelter house that was rented out. Then I come to find out that the little bastard pulled in nearly $6,000 at his graduation party. Six fucking G's! He got $2,000 from both of his parents and he made nearly $2,000 from the rest of the people who were invited. That's fucking crazy. I got a fucking tent in my backyard and food for graduation. I don't know if you checked out the videos I linked to, but I think it is pretty clear that the only graduation present he is deserving of is waterboarding. Six G's for what? Graduating high school with a -7 GPA?

Listen up high school graduates, you ain't fucking special. This is something you are supposed to do, nearly 70% of high schoolers graduate on time. This isn't the 1960's where half the people dropped out of school and if you did graduate you instantly became a doctor or lawyer. It's the 22nd fucking century and your diploma is worth about as much as Chris Benoit's "#1 Dad" coffee mug.

There are only a few scenarios where a graduation party is acceptable.

Scenario 1: You are the first person to graduate in your family. If this happens to be the case...your family should have been banished from this country a long time ago. Go ahead and party it up, and then never speak to your family again. Failure is contagious.

Scenario 2: You graduate at the top of your class and are going to a prestigious school like Duke, Harvard, Stanford, or Toledo. Which means my graduation party was perfectly acceptable.

Scenario 3: If you happen to be a local "celebrity" or athlete that is going to a big time school...like Toledo. Although I didn't go to Toledo for sports, even though Amstutz begged me to take out Gradkowski, I was, and still am, a local celebrity. I'm the fucking toolboy.

Scenario 4: You banged the hot teacher at your high school. And it has to be the hottest teacher there. You can't bang some 50 year old Language Arts teacher that hits on every guy in her class...you know who I'm talking about...and then have a party. The teacher has to be hot, like Varisty Blues stripper/teacher hot. But at the party you have to either relive your sexual endeavors with those in attendance, or, the more preferable way, provide video.

Enough with the fucking graduation parties. Nobody really wants to go to them. No kid would really want to have one if he wasn't guaranteed to pull in some cash. For fucks sake, it's only high school. Nobody should give a shit.

Welcome to the real world, ass holes. Unless you're going to college, then the real world will see you in six years.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Story Time Tuesday: The Day of Kickball From Hell

2009-06-16T08:00:00.002-04:00

So as many of you know, or may not know, I work with an after school program in NW Ohio. Because I love the kids. Well this weekend I had to go to an unnamed NW Ohio village--Rape em, Tape em, Let's Go Tigers--for a little afternoon of kickball. Three towns/villages were invited to this event, and I work directly with two of them. Needless to say the two towns that I represent are class acts, no shenanigans from these folks. The hosting village...a different story.

First, I have to admit that one of the towns that I represent is full of douchers...not my home town though, obviously. I meet this kid, we will call him Rico because he is the spitting image of Uncle Rico, and I find out he is a member of a family that I have been working with for the past couple months. We engage in a mini game of ball tag and I am it. Obviously I dominate. No kid is safe. Imagine the scene where Billy Madison is it in "Billy Madison" and put myself in his shoes...a superior athlete. I'm gunning down kids like I'm Cho Seung-Hui. The only kid that is left is Rico, a 16 year old that fancies himself as a good athlete. My fat ass runs him down like I'm Michael Johnson and bounces one off his dome like I'm Patches O'houlihan. His immediate response is, "I'm pretty quick, aren't I?" And he says he learned his quickness from some of his close friends, some faggish athletes he named that are clearly fag bombs for even allowing this kid to know their names...I haven't actually sprinted since I was trapped in a hotel stairwell running from hotel security while only wearing a T shirt. I laugh and agree, knowing full well that this kid couldn't play for the Henry County Cougars. So kickball is about to begin and this kid claims he can put one over the fence, which is about 300 foot dead center. His direct quote is, "I got a good leg and arm on me." I can't wait to see this shit.

So we start the game, with children and adults split up evenly among two teams. My team is in the field first and I am the pitcher. The first three kickers are a combined age of 3, so when they kick it I boot the ball on purpose and let them make it to base. This is when I hear it from a giant fucktard, from the hosting town, about not throwing out the kickers. I tell him that I refuse to gun down 5 year olds and I think the controversy is over. We get the next three kickers out and it is our turn to kick.

Turns out that the other team didn't get the memo. I send up the four youngest kids on our team to kick first and they gun down three out of four of them, needless to say the previously mentioned douche bag is pissed. I am kind of pissed because I think it is pretty obvious that you should let the young kids get on base, but the head of the ORG, who is the pitcher, fails to realize this.

So we are back in the field and I am still pitching...because I don't let previously mentioned doucher take my place, if I knew his actual name I would definitely drop it on here. Again I let the first two kickers get on base because I refuse to gun down five year olds, douche bag is noticeably more pissed than before. They have some bangers up and they end up getting four runs in this inning. I couldn't give a shit, but others are clearly upset.

We finish out the game and my team ends up getting it's ass kicked...again, I don't care because THIS IS AN AFTER SCHOOL PROGRAM.

We take a little break and start a new game, this time it is the two towns that I work with against the hosting town...I have a slight chubby, and it has nothing to do with the young children around me. So this time I say fuck it, and put the six best players up to start the game, myself and 5 other kids that are in high school...we go out to a 6-0 lead before we go to the field.

The hosting town is already pissed off. I can't even hide my smile at this point. They send up there best four kickers to start off the inning and we get three our of the four out. I do my best X-Pac impression and tell them to "Suck It."

We get up and increase our lead by a couple of runs. And then I send up a four year old, seriously, and hold the ball in front of her and tell her to kick it and run to first base. A( She has never kicked a ball in her life. B( Since she has never kicked a ball in her life, she obviously has no idea what first base is. C( She is FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD! The team on defense rushed home plate after her kick and taps home plate, the bases were loaded, and then throws to first to get the runner out. I'm about to throw down this these fucktards. This is unacceptable. Everybody is here to have a good time and these ass jockeys are trying to turn this "game" into a no-holds-barred brawl. But instead of stooping to their level, I sick one of my high school kids on them.

So I send in the kid who most resembles P-Cakes, big arrogant ass hole who never shuts his mouth, and tell him to get every kicker out and let them know that you own them. Every time he rolls the ball he yells "Booyashaka." And before he ever rolls the ball he gets the entire infield into a "Hey batter" type chant...except this one involves a phrase like "We want a hitter, not a rapist that has a friend video taping." This kid is all over the field and they go three up, three down. Or at least they should of until one of their kicker is "safe" on first base because my first baseman reaches out the ball to tag one of their players out and the kicker swats the ball out of their hands and touches the base. I call the fag out because that is bush league, and again this is an after school program, but the sluts on the other team argue against me. Seriously, I had a group of four middle aged bia's arguing with me about how this kid should be safe. Again, I say fuck it. I allow it, saying "If it is really that important to you he can run the bases." The next kicker comes up and kicks it directly to the pitcher. The pitcher throws it to me and instead of touching the bag, I drill the doucher in the stomach...this is the same fuckboy who was pissed at me for not gunning down five year olds earlier in the day.

All in all I view this as a successful day, I crush kids pride, make their parents look like ass holes, and walk out of the joint with a trophy...actually two trophies... and only have a month left at the place.

Suck it Liberty! You are the shit stain on NW Ohio's tighty whities.

Tomorrow I go after the high school graduates of 2009.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Feelin' Kinda Monday

2009-06-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

A Great NBA Playoffs Ruined by a Shit-tastic Finals

Nobody is going to remember how great the playoffs really were this year. Nobody will care about the Celtics/Magic series, the Celtics/Bulls series, the Denver/Lakers series, or the Rockets/Lakers series now that the Finals have been an epic disappointment. I blame Lebron.
Kobe gets his 4th ring. He must have just wanted it more than everybody else.
Hopefully he is prepared to defend it because with the Diesel headed to Cleveland--Danny Ferry must have read my post a couple weeks back--it appears that Shaq will try to one up him yet again next year.
As far as the Magic go, their coach is a moron. Was Shaq right about SVG? Maybe. SVG certainly didn't do anything to disprove him.
My Original stants was that the Magic should play Jameer Nelson if he could go. I still don't back down from that, but he shouldn't have seen the court nearly as much as he did. When Rafer was in there everything just seemed to go a little smoother for the Magic.
Try to wrap your head around this, Adam Morrison and his porn 'stache just won a ring.

Hockeytown Shmockeytown

I actually watched game 7 on the NHL Finals, or at least the 3rd period. It was entertaining and I actually got into it.
But Hockey still sucks.
Name another sport where your star player can go an entire 7 game series and only score once, yet the team still wins the series. I got nothing.
I don't know who the player was that had the final shot on goal for the Wings--I believe it was Hossa, which would be fitting--but I fully expect to find out that he blew his face off.
And way to be classy, Detroit. Booing through the entire trophy presentation, really? If you were really pissed off you could have at least done America a favor and burnt down your shithole of a city.
I don't know a whole lot about hockey, but during my adolescence I was able to slapshot a street hockey puck 3/4 of a block in the air. I owned Norton Street.

Toledo Rocket Roundup

I have been keeping up with the Toledo Rockets sports scene a little bit this summer and figured you guys would like to hear about what is going on around the Glass Bowl. (Actually, I know you don't want to hear about it, but that only makes me want to write this more)
I "follow" Coach Beckman on twitter(follow me if you dare) and he inspires me to be a better person everyday. He is doing big things and he wants the world to know, "Heading down to OSU Sr camp today! Around 300 prospects to be there! Selling UT to all! Will be a great day for evaluations! Be a Rocket."
Not only has he coined the phrase, "Be A Rocket", he is also referring to our fan base and geographic area as "Rocket Nation." This guy RAWKS!
Normally I could give two shits about the MLB draft, and this year was really no different. But then I found out that the White Sox drafted Justin Collop, RHP for your Toledo Rockets, with their 6th round pick. He had an ERA of 6.51 this year, so he should be able to jump right into the White Sox rotation.
Another UT pitcher, Jeff Cinadr, was drafted by the Rays with the 1,099th pick. They offered him a stick of Juicy Fruit to sign with them, but the last I heard he was holding our for some Big League Chew.
Future Rocket, Mike Hamann, was also drafted. He was taken in the 25th round by the lowly Cleveland Indians.
No word on whether or not Pat "P-Cakes" Rohrbaugh will be coming out of retirement soon.
I actually found a really good preview to this years Rockets' football team. I strongly recommend reading it if you care about MAC sports. And strongly recommend reading your teams evaluation. I don't think you will find a better one out there if you follow a small school.

I have some angry rants built up inside of me that I plan on releasing this week. One Northwest Ohio village is going to get my blogging boot up their inbred ass. It shall be greatly enjoyable.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Predicting the Future, Michigan Wolverines 2009 Season

2009-06-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

First, you all can thank beloved commenter, and sodomite, Dustin for this post. We had a mini battle via BlackBerry Messenger the other night about how good or bad Michigan was going to be and how irrational Fuckeye fans are. So please Fuckeyes, fill my comments with your irrational rabble. The thing that really chapped Dustin's ass was when I said Michigan would be the best rushing team in the Big Ten. I said this because it would chap his ass and because I sincerely believe it is a series possibility, I guarantee we will be in the top 3. I will discuss all that at a later time. It's time for some predictions.

Michigan vs. WMU: Michigan always smashed MAC teams...unless they don't. But WMU is nothing compared to the powerhouse of Toledo...unless they are. WMU went 9-4 last year and has good quarterback coming back. Our pass defense was atrocious last year, but it shouldn't be that bad this coming year. However, WMU can't run the ball and can't stop the run. WMU will hang for awhile, but Michigan pulls away in the second half. 1-0!

Michigan vs. Notre Dame: I think it is hilarious that people are actually projecting Notre Dame to be good this year. That big win over Hawaii to end the year gave them some great momentum... Charlie Weis is too busy humping jelly donuts to actually care about football. ND's offense should be pretty good, though. They return 10 starters and have good depth at the skill positions, and Golden Tate is sweet. But Jimmy Clausen is still the same old Jimmah. He still has nightmares from his first trip to Ann Arbor. I expect ND to blitz like crazy and try to disrupt super freshman Forcier, but this aggression will back fire and Michigan will hit on a couple big plays. And we won't have 77 turnovers this year. Michigan wins, 27-19. 2-0!

Michigan vs. EMU: Ron English makes his return to Ann Arbor and his EMU's get lambasted by his former team. 42-14. 3-0!

Michigan vs. Indiana: I cannot name one player on Indiana's team. I just remember picking them when they played Iowa last year and Iowa gangbanged them to the tune of 45-9. Somehow that is relevant to this game. Michigan wins. 4-0!

Michigan at Sparty: If I picked M to win this game then you guys would be all over me calling me a homer. DOH! Bust out the Duff beer because M is walking out of Spartyville with a W. There is no Javon Ringer this year. They can't just hand the ball off to somebody and watch him go to work 40 times a game. And Brian Hoyer is gone...which might not really be a bad thing...so they will be starting one of two inexperienced QB's, either Cousins or Nichol. Michigan had the worst team in the history of college football last year and were still able to give Sparty all that they wanted. I just don't think they will be good. Every year people expect them to be the sleeper in the Big Ten and every year they disappointment. This year will be no different. 17-16. 5-0! Holy Shit.

Michigan at Iowa: Now this is when the wheels start to come off a bit. Michigan will have five O-lineman out for the year, Minor will have destroyed his knee, and Forcier will have caught swine flu. Even if everybody is healthy, I don't think we can come out of Iowa with a win. There defense will be one of the best in the nation(again) this year. They are losing a lot on offense, but it won't matter. M might not score. 5-1! Booo.

Michigan vs. Deleware St: As long as The Unibrow, Joe Flacco, isn't suiting up the Wolverines will be just fine. 6-1!

Michigan vs. Penn State: I'm not going to predict a win here, but I really want to. Penn State lost a lot of fire power on offense to the draft and Darryl Clark isn't very good. Evan Royster is fucking awesome, but he won't see nearly as many wholes as last year because of the loss of Butler and Williams. I think Penn State is teetering on the edge of total collapse right now. They just aren't that same respectable squad that the crypt keeper has been known for bringing out in the past. Off field issues abound for Penn State now. But I have to give them the win. 6-2!

Michigan at Illinois: We just aren't going to win at Illinois. The Juice is lose. Illinois made a shit ton of huge plays on offense last year and that tends to be our back breaker. Illinois' schedule sets up pretty nice for them to make a run, maybe they will overlook M. Doubt it. 6-3.

Michigan vs. Purdue: This is the ultimate redemption game for RichRod. First, we will be coming off three straight losses, we need this win. Second, Purdue had a fourth string running back play quarterback against us last year and completely dominate. Rich Rod has to want this one. Thankfully, Purdue is all kinds of terrible. Tiller left that program in shambles. Michigan rolls. 7-3.

Michigan at Wiscy: Again, we just aren't going to win at Wisconsin. John Clay will be getting the full work load and I wouldn't be surprised if he led the Big Ten in rushing. If they can just find a quarterback who can be halfway decent, Wisconsin has a good chance of representing the Big Ten in the Rose Bowl. Look at their schedule. Michigan goes down. 7-4.

Michigan vs. Fuckeye U: I don't care if it is still a year away, I'm pumped. Terrell Pryor is a fucking bum and will probably be kicked off the team by the time this game rolls around anyways. No Beanie Wells to break off fifty yard runs. No Brian Hartline...to do whatever Brian Hartline did. But it still won't matter. The Fuckeyes are just the better team right now. But it's at the Big House so we have a chance. But I would put the odds of an upset at about 9:1 right now. Michigan loses a close one. 7-5.

Not great, but we're going bowlin' bitches.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

You Lika Da Ribs, Eh? I Get You Da Ribs

2009-06-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

(Look at that picture! I want. And you will notice that it makes the shape of a vagina, that's no coincidence.) I like ribs. You like ribs. Everybody likes ribs. And it is the one ammunition that you can use to shut up a woman--"I made you, bitch."If you don't like ribs you are just lying to yourself, or suck penis. And since only half of you that read this blog practice homosexuality--it is a practice now--that means the other half of you would love nothing more than to get your hands on some ribs this weekend and suck the bones dry while licking the juices off your hands...

Anyways, it would be my pleasure to introduce you to the greatest ribs that I have ever had the pleasure of tasting. No joke, I've never had better. I'm fairly certain he uses crack as one of his sauce ingredients, but that's fine by me. Most of you--I think--reside in the general Northwest Ohio area, or at least are around this way on occasion. This post is for you. If you are not in the general Northwest Ohio area, I strongly recommend that you drive here and see how great your life is when you aren't here....but stop and get some ribs first.

Defiance, OH is the location of this great place. If you happen to be there, you're in luck. Head over to Holiday Lanes, which is right across from the shittiest mall in the world. In the parking lot you will find "Pep's BBQ Spot." There will be a tent, you can't miss it. You ask for Mr. C and tell him that you heard about his wondrous ribs from Mr. Ace at The Toolshed. If you do this, you will get a free T-Shirt stating your love for young Filipino boys.

But seriously, go get the ribs. The first day that it will be open is this Saturday--tomorrow retarts--and it will be open every weekend throughout the summer at the same location. I wouldn't steer you wrong. And I know food, obviously.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Just Another Reason Why Hank Baskett Blows

2009-06-11T10:21:00.004-04:00

Hank Baskett already sucks, but with the news that he is expecting a child in 9 months, it can only get worse. Then you remember that he fornicated with Kendra "Bionic Boobies" Wilkinson to make this baby and realize this may just be another sign of the apocalypse approaching. I can't stand that bitch. Bolted on tits or not, she annoys the fuck out of me. She is particularly annoying when she spouts off to the media about how her man "makes things happen" after he catches the ball. No, bitch, he doesn't. He couldn't even hold Rae Carruth's jock.

So now imagine multiplying her annoyingness(that's right) and retartation by 10 and that's what Hank will be coming home to during the season. A pregnant and bitchy stick with tits. I can only imagine the hell he will endure. "Look at my stomach, ass hole!" "Go get me some Taco Bell, you fuck!" "Look at what you did to me, I'm never touching your penis again!" Poor guy, all he wanted to do was bang a Playmate and now he is stuck with a living, breathing, talking, shitting, pissing reminder of the slut he knocked up when he was playing football. Because you know this thing is only lasting a couple years. There is no sane man who could actually marry her and stick out for the long haul...especially when he finds out that the baby is Hef's.

Good thing the Eagles don't need his bitch ass anyways. He is the number five receiver at best. Which isn't bad considering he is part of the BEST WR CORPS IN THE NFC EAST! That's right, the best. Desean Jackson will continue on his path towards greatness--85 receptions, 1150 yards. Kevin Curtis will build off of his solid performance in the playoffs last year--60 receptions, 700 yards. Maclin will explode onto the scene just like Jackson did last year--60 receptions, 800 yards. Then we have Jason Avant, BREAKOUT ALERT! I believe I called this at the end of last season, but the media types are picking up on it and have Avant on the short list of breakout players this coming season. Avant will nearly double his output from last year and still be the dependable third down guy that McNabb looks to to move the chains.

Two NFL related posts in a row, it just feels so right. I know football season is still a few months away, but I don't give a shit. I am cramming in NFL and college football related posts every week. Even if it is something as gay as Hank Baskett punching Kendra Wilkinson in the stomach, it will be posted.

Tomorrow, my prediction for the Michigan Wolverines 2009 football season. I don't want to spoil it but....NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

The Dallas Cowboys are the Laughing Stock of the National Football League...Yes, Even More Hilarious Than the Detroit Lions

2009-06-10T08:00:00.002-04:00

America's team is truly a joke in every facet of the organization. It is great. There is no team that I want to see suck giant elephant dong more than the Dallas Cowboys. There is nobody who I wish failure upon more so than Jerry Jones...except maybe Tony Romo. And there is nobody who I hope chokes during a two minute drill more than Tony Romo. Life is good when the Cowboys are bad, and all signs are pointing to the Cowpussies ending up in the cellar of the East in 2009. Hells yes.

On the field, it all starts with Tony "The Homo" Romo--aka The Anti-clutch. Watching him pull an Uncle Tim--blowing and choking--in every pressure situation gives me great pleasure, and actually makes me feel good about having Donovan McNabb as my QB, if only for a few moments. This guy is Anti-clutch in every aspect of his life. First, love life. He basically had the choice between Carrie Underwood, smoking hot-successful-actually sane, and Jessica Simpson, less smoking hot(I don't care how fat she is or was you all know you would still do her)-Currently a C-lister-bat shit crazy. And he chose Jessica(WTF?). And how about his golf game. He is a pretty solid golfer, or so I hear. He even tried to qualify for the U.S. Open...and failed miserably in true Anti-clutch fashion:

Romo shot an 80 in the local qualifying round but at least cleared up a possible conflict with the Cowboys' veteran minicamp. Bethpage State Park (Black Course) will host the U.S. Open from June 18-21 in Farmingdale, N.Y. The Cowboys' minicamp is June 16-18.

After an even-par front nine under rainy conditions early, Romo shot a 44 on the back nine with bogeys at Nos. 11, 12, 14, 15 and 17 as the wind kicked up. He also had a triple-bogey on No. 16.

And on the football field, well, we all know how that story goes...

Now, let's take a look at their offseason moves. The biggest move of all, they dump Terrell Owens. I have never been so happy about a team cutting a player. Say what you want about Owens, but the guy can flat out play. And looking at the Cowboys receiving corps coming back, how the fuck could they make the decision to cut Owens? Awesome, they re-signed Austin and Hurd, they're Pro Bowl receivers. What's that? They are pieces of shit who wouldn't be number four WR's on half the NFL rosters. Great move, Jerry. Roy Williams is a piece of shit too. I can't wait to see this move blow up in their face. The other big move was releasing Pacman. He didn't play great last year, but what do you expect from a guy whose workout consisted of making it rain and punching strippers the year prior. And now after cutting ties with him, for apparently continuing to be a fucktard, it seems like the Cowboys might be ready to bring him back. With such brilliant decision making it is shocking that they haven't won a playoff game since 1996. But at least they signed the remaining brain cells of Jon Kitna, right?

This offseason more than ever, the guys behind the scenes really showed why they are part of the Dallas Cowboys. Remember when the Cowboys practice facility collapsed a little while back? I do, it was then that I realized there was a God and he really cares about me. However, it turned out that the Cowboys execs are just incompetent and hired an ex-con with no degrees to build their facility. Again, brilliant. The new stadium opened up this weekend with a super lame George Strait concert, and how do you think the Cowboys celebrated? If you guessed by having the man in charge of stadium operations get blitzed and then jump behind the wheel then you're correct.

The only suspected drunk driver arrested leaving Saturday’s Cowboys Stadium opening in Arlington was the man put in charge of operations for the $1.15 billion venue after overseeing its construction.

Jack Hill, 53, of Grand Prairie, was arrested about 3:30 a.m. Sunday after he was involved in a minor traffic accident. Police said his SUV was struck by a tractor-trailer in the 1200 block of Randol Mill Road, right in front of the new stadium.

The ineptitude of this franchise never ceases to be enjoyable.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Detroit What! I May Have Lost My Shirt At Greektown, But I Kept My Pants On This Time

2009-06-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

Eminem's Funny Part - The best bloopers are here

No liquor, no MC Serch, no Detroit Police, no problem. I made it back from Detroit without incident Saturday, much to the dismay of all you A-holes. I successfully got drunk, Bud Light only, and stayed in my own hotel room for the entire night. Meaning no bottomless late night meetings in a damp stairwell with the boys in blue, which was a pleasant change. I believe I have found a way to actually get all shitty and still remain in my room for the entire night...don't drink liquor. The usual equation for a night of retarded, drunken sleepwalking for me is usually something like; Insane amounts of beer+copious amounts of liquor(multiplied by) unfamiliar sleeping quarters= Drunken, half naked, constantly urinating zombie Mr. Ace. The liquor is removed from this equation and I wake up and actually remember everything that happened that night. Great Success!

The baseball game sucked. There were basically two highlights to the entire game, and neither had anything to do with the actually game. First, my dad pulls off his patented move of cleaning off his glasses and then looking at my mom and yelling "Whoa!" loud enough for the two neighboring sections to hear it. You see where my class comes from. Then, I found out the Detroit Tigers employ my favorite beer guy ever. With quotes like "Whoooo wants to drink?" and "Whoooo likes beer?" I couldn't get enough of this guy. I vowed to only buy beer from him for the entire game, but he was unfortunately only in our section one time which would have severely cut into my one Bud Light per inning quota I had to maintain. But yeah, the game sucked. The last thing I want to watch is a pitcher's duel between two teams I don't give a shit about. Eight straight innings of zero run baseball BLOWS. Finally some sparks flew in the 9th and the Tigers hopes of a comeback were crushed because their fans aren't intelligent enough to knock the ball away from Chone Figgins--who was sick with the glove all game by the way. And I got to watch this happy ending in a restroom full of groaning Tigers fans, possibly the most enjoyable piss of my life.

So the game is over and we make our way back to Greektown, all while enjoying the scenery of the beautiful Detroit streets. The endless line of vagrants and the same damn guy I see at every Detroit sporting event handing out American flags for donations to a "Veterans Fund" are just part of the robust and magnificent Detroit setting. (Quick Note: Don't ever ever ever take a flag. My friend, an Iraq war vet himself, made this mistake and was hounded for the next fifteen minutes by this man. It is a trap, a ploy to get him his next 40 of Cobra. Just say no.) So get to the casino and sit down to enjoy some video poker at the bar, only because Mrs. Ace refused to go back to the blackjack table after losing $100 before we even went to the game...it wasn't even her money and she was still irate. So I sit there and lose 120 bones playing fucking video poker. All while my parents are cashing out receipts of $170, $157, and $330 playing the same damn thing. Just another reason why you should never play anything but table games at the casino. I ended up "kissing my sister" in blackjack, dead fucking even. But as the saying goes, that's better than milking your brothers prostate.

When you're inside Greektown you almost forget where you are. Apparently somebody forgot to tell everybody inside that their economy is crumbling, they have no jobs, and the chips they are holding actually represent real money. The place was packed. It was actually kind of sickening really. Watching people throw away their money one roll, hit, or pull at a time makes you wonder what what the hell people are thinking sometimes. But what am I talking about, I lost $120,and probably spent another $100 on booze, and I'm blogging about like it's just another day. Fuck me.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Feelin' Kinda Monday

2009-06-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

Hello friends, how was your weekend? I don't really care, but mine was fan-fucking-tastic, thank you. Big Weekend in the sports world, come for the ride.

Calvin Borel, YOU BUM!

I truly believe this man is single-handedly responsible for ruining one of the greatest horse racing stories ever.
First, he rides Mine That Bird to a magnificent win in the Kentucky Derby. I said it was possibly the greatest upset ever, and I probably overreacted. It seems that Mine That Bird, actually has some talent. Now, I think a comparison between he and Tom Brady would be fitting. Nobody thought Brady would do dick, but when the situation arose to be great he took it and ran with it. And now Brady will be "studding out" with hot chick number two...too bad Mine That Bird is a gelding.
Then Borel ditches Mine That Bird to ride some bitch--excuse me, filly--in the Preakness. He won the race, but Mine That Bird was clearly the best horse there. Mine That Bird should have been running in the Belmont for a chance at a Triple Crown.
Then since Rachel never stood a chance at the Belmont, she pulled out, and he jumps back on Mine That Bird for the Belmont. This was Mine That Bird's race. He likes the distance, he loves the loose track, and the field was pretty weak for the Belmont.
At the start of the race Mine That Bird is in the best position he has been in compared to the previous two triple crown races. The pace is a little slow, but not terrible. Then for absolutely no reason, he takes Mine That Bird four wide half way through the race and begins to turn him loose. Mine That Bird makes his burst to the lead with a half mile remaining in the race and doesn't have enough left to hold of the still surging Summer Bird.
Borel made his move a quarter mile too soon and in turn gassed out the gelding. Fuck you Calvin.
I have become a big fan of Chip Whooley through this process though. I hated him at the Derby because he just seemed like a redneck who thought he was a cowboy. But he calls it like he sees it and doesn't hold much in an interview, so he wasn't afraid to say that he felt Borel ran a bad race.
Thanks a lot Calvin, you have broken America's heart yet again. And ruined my prediction of Mine That Bird winning by 6 lengths. You suck.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again

Apparently Tiger Woods did something crazy at the Memorial yesterday. I didn't see it, because some of us have real jobs and have to work on the weekend, but I hear it was impressive.
The only chink in Tigers armor was his inability to win on Sunday without heading into the final round with the lead. I don't know exactly what the stat was and I don't really care, but he was something like 0 for 7,000 when he dawned the red without the lead.
Well those days are over. His final round 65 was just enough to hold off Jim Furyk by one stroke. With seven birdies, one eagle, and only two bogeys on his scorecard Sunday, he flew up the leaderboard as the men in front of him, like Matt Bettencourt, shit their pants and moved aside one bogey at a time.
Time for a golf tip. Tiger Woods switched to a 10 degree river before the Memorial. A ten degree driver is about as unheard of on the tour as a female being in Dustin's bedroom...the shit just doesn't happen. So here is a little article about how a lofty driver is actually good and improves your accuracy without having much effect on distance. But I will slice the fuck out of my 9 degree Hammer all day, thank you very much.

Good Night, Orlando

The Magic really could not afford to let game 2 slip away like that.
Courtney Lee is going to be a stud in the league, but that missed ally-oop will haunt him for the next couple years. You just can't miss that.
Why didn't Howard tough the ball in OT? He got the ball the very first possession and got the ball stripped away, again, and then never got a look after that. Howard definitely didn't have his "A" game last night, but he has to get touches in the post to make the Magic offense work.
J.J. Redick sighting. JJ, you are no longer allowed to step foot inside of the three point line. That inside bounce pass you attempted to Howard in OT was hilarious. You probably shouldn't dribble either.
Was it just me, or did Kobe seem exhausted? He had no legs late in the game and you didn't see his rape face once late in the game. And Hedo Turkoglu was owning him once Pietrus fouled out.
I like Kobe because he loves to take the last shot and be the closer, but when four people are in your face with two seconds left that means that somebody is wide open for the game winner. But at least he's not a coward like Lebron.
Why does Phil Jackson get any credit? With under four minutes left in the 4th quarter last night ABC gave us a look inside the Lakers huddle. You expect Phil to come up with a play, a new scheme maybe, some inspirational words, but no, his entire speech is "We need to stop letting things happen for them and start making things happen for us." Brilliant.
Guarantee the Lakers win game 3, but the Magic will hold onto game 4. Lakers in 5.

Brian Westbrook Will be Fine...Unless He Won't...Then We Are Fucked

As you may know, Brian Westbrook had his second surgery this off season. His first was on his knee and this one was to remove bone fragments and scar tissue from his ankle. He will be back for the season opener, but probably won't play in any preseason games. Scary.
Beyond Westbrook, the only way to describe the Eagles RB situation is bad. The next RB in line is LaSean McCoy, a rookie. Behind him we have Lorenzo Booker, who is a terrible third down back. Remember Tony Hunt? Me either. Yet another Penn State RB to blow in the pros.
Tony Hunt reaffirms my belief that as far as offensive prospects go, Penn State is a cesspool of suck.
Andy Ried said he is staying with the group of guys that he's got. That is fine with me, for now. It's not like there are a bunch of veteran guys clamoring to play for the league minimum. If something goes wrong with Westbrook--please no--then we have to make a move. I don't care if we have to bring back Ricky Watters, we need somebody.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Detroit What Part 3? Possibly.

2009-06-05T09:37:00.004-04:00

So Mrs. Ace and I are heading up to Detroit today to watch the Tigers/Angels game tonight with my parents because I am a great son and got my dad tickets to this game for his birthday. And then we are staying up there for the night to gamble away all the money I don't have because this trip also doubles as my parents 25th Anniversary getaway. Hopefully I can manage to remain fully clothed and within the boundaries of my room the entire night. But it's a celebration bitches, so anything is possible. The gloves are off, the booze is flowing, and I am cursing out every Tigers fan in a Verlander jersey because I hate Asians. I'm gonna make my parents proud.

Well, this post is over. I'm still too distraught about catching a semi-retarded man trying to steal from me at you favorite Ace hardware to come up with anything else. Who just grabs something off the shelf and then brings it up to the counter and tries to return it? A retard, that's who. Good thing my sixth, and maybe even my seventh, sense was able to recognize these shenanigans and all was right.

I buried him underneath the counter.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

NBA Finals Prediction...Yes, There is Still One More Series

2009-06-04T10:07:00.003-04:00

The NBA is back tonight and we no longer have to listen to queermo's talking about being a "Witness." Great fucking news. I am actually looking forward to this series, unlike 90% of the people who actually watched the Conference Finals. The Lakers might have swept the Cavs and I would have been able to bathe in the tears of Clevelandites(?) once again--Remember that sweep a couple years ago, bitches? But Lebron, being the undera-fucking-chiever that he is, had to ruin that for me, but at least I will get to watch a decent series...probably not.

The Lakers are going to win this things in 5. This is Kobe's best chance to win without Shaq and he will not let it slip away--and then make a rap about how Shaq taught him how to rape white females and get away with it, "Shaq, tell me how my rape dick tastes." The Lakers are the better team. They have the basketball player on the planet. They have one of the best coaches on the planet. And they don't have Hedo Turkoglu, no chance that clown is winning.

But let's talk about why the Lakers will win with ease in my favorite form, bullet-point.

The Lakers really play defense throughout the entire year, not just the regular season like Crybaby James and Co. The Lakers have several big, athletic guys that can match up with the likes of Rashard Lewis and Hedo. I don't think they have a guy that can stop Howard, but you don't need to stop Howard to beat the Magic. Let him get his, but make damn sure that their three point attempts are contested.
The Magic can't shoot 90% from beyond the arc again. It's mathematically impossible. If Alston banks in a trey at the Staples Center Phil Jackson will explode his face with his zen powers.
Luke mother fucking Walton. I guarantee he gets in there and makes some crisp passes. And then he'll turn it over and be yanked back to the bench, where he will talk with Adam Morrison about how he maintains his dashing 'stache...and about how Morrison is teetering on the edge of suicide.
Derek Fisher's daughter.
Mickael Pietrus is fucking French. You should embarrassed, Lebron.

But lets not forget about the X factor, Jameer Nelson. Is he really going to play in the Finals? If he is good to go then I might give the Magic another game. Rafer has done well filling in, but Nelson is the real deal. Plus, in the two games that he played against the Lakers this year he averaged over 27 ppg. This isn't just a coincidence, the Lakers don't have anybody that can stop him. But even if he does play, he won't be 100% and the Magic won't be able to lean on him for the entire series.

Kobe wins his fourth ring and Women's Rights groups across the world assemble for battle.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Grady Brothers Reunited...On the Football Field...At Michigan

2009-06-03T06:27:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted about anything Michigan in quite some time. Very few blog worthy items since we were ousted from the NCAA tourney by B Ginger. But when news comes up about a single player that directly effects the football and basketball program simultaneously, it is blog worthy.

It was just a few months ago when all indications were that Kelvin Grady, Michigan PG, was going to transfer out of Michigan because he hated John Beilein. I wouldn't blame because I thought Beilein kind of dicked him over late in the year, he became the scapegoat for our woes late in the Big Ten schedule. So he was out and never to be heard from again. Darius Morris is coming in this fall and the starting PG job seems to be his to lose, which was probably the case even with Grady there.

Now news has came out in the last week that Kelvin Grady will not be transferring, but he will be changing sports. Kelvin Grady will join his brother Kevin, maybe, on the 2009 Michigan football team. Coming out of high school Kelvin could have played either basketball or football at the D-1 level, so he's clearly got the athletic potential. He is faster and much shiftier than his bulldozing brother, but he probably can't have a .281 BAC and still stand like his brother, so we'll call it a push. I thought Michigan was already loaded with fast, shifty midgets, but apparently one more can't hurt...and RichRod has an addiction.

So how will this effect the Michigan basketball and football programs next year? Bad.

Michigan has zero point guards on their current roster without him. No, my boy Stu is not a starting PG. He can come in and handle things for awhile, a la Manu Ginobili, but he absolutely cannot be a starting PG. He's just too slow, but I love you Stu. With Darius Morris coming in as a frosh to start, we don't have a true backup. This is where losing Grady hurts the most. When teams bring full court pressure, I don't trust a true freshman and Stu with the responsibility of getting the ball up the court. Hell, I didn't even trust Lee and Merritt last year and they were both 11th year seniors. Grady did make some poor decisions with the ball in his hands, but there is not a press that he can't break. He was a streaky shooter, but not a bad shooter. He could have been a key part to our offense next season. I really feel like Beilein threw this kid under the bus. Maybe he had a poor attitude that we never got to see, but I never got that indication. Now Beilein will be starting a true freshman, with no backup, at the most important position in college basketball.

For the football team, this probably means nothing. Grady hasn't played football for two or three years now and it will certainly take him awhile to get back into form. Even if he does get back into form, I find it hard to believe that he would be able to beat out any of our current players for a spot in the slot or backfield. He'll provide depth and maybe work his way into some playing time, but that's all I expect. The trade off is incredibly lopsided. His arrival to the football teams basically means nothing, while his departure from the basketball team is potentially dooming.

Honestly, this looks bad for Michigan. I don't believe this is the case, but it looks like RichRod will take a chance on anybody who is 5"10" or shorter and can run a sub 4.6 forty. RichRod should have just told him "Thanks, but no thanks," and moved on from this. And now that Kelvin is on the team, how is he going to take the news when his brother gets booted off of it? Because you know it is going to happen, or at least it should. Then when he is without his brother and not getting any playing time, will he just quit and transfer?

I can't possibly see anything good coming from this, but it is more likely to be meaningless than anything negative. Hooray!

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Story Time Tuesday: Allow Mr. Ace to be Your Columbus, OH Apartment Guru

2009-06-02T08:48:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not know, Mrs. Ace and I are planning on making the move down to the land of Fuckeye. Last weekend was our second trip down there in an effort to find reasonable shelter. And it sucked, it sucked huge, giant dinosaur balls. Who knew that 90% of apartment complexes in the Greater Columbus Area were either shit holes, run by shit heads, or expensive as shit. So before you make the move down to Columbus, allow me to be your apartment guru.

We get up bright and early Friday morning so we can get down there and knock out the eleven--seriously, ELEVEN-- apartment's that Mrs. Ace has on her list. Notice that I said her list, the only thing I am there for is to make sure the place has the proper hook-up for my washer and dryer. I don't remember the name of the first place we went, but it seemed to be okay. That was until we drove through the complex and saw the 80% of the cars were sans hubcaps, 50% had three tones of paint, and maybe 5% were actually nicer than my piece of shit car. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite, fuck off. So we moved on to the next.

The next one, Edgewater, was able to make it onto the short list. It will be opening up in August and it would be nice to be the first ones to live there. But I deal with contractors everyday and I don't them to tie their own fucking shoes, let alone connect a gas line. Maybe I don't want to be teh guinea pig. But the first two months of rent are free. FREEEEE. I would live inside G Money's ass if the rent was free--free gas, get it. But the only problem with this place is that I have no idea what this place looks like. Yes, we took a tour of it and heard about every meaningless aspect of it, but after a full day of apartment shopping I don't have a fucking clue what it looks like. BUT TWO MONTHS RENT FREE.

Hibernia is another one that made the short list. I actually liked this one, but only because they had a deal where if you signed a 12 month lease you got 20 free rounds of golf at different area golf courses. Holy shit, I would live inside G Money's ass for 20 free rounds of golf. So this one took an early lead, but Mrs. Ace's "fave" was up next.

College Park, in Bexley, was the one that Mrs. Ace had pegged as our future living quarters. Of course, it was the priciest one we had looked at. So we go into the office and are met by this semi-cute young lady. But then I notice she is wearing 12 inch heels and walks like a giraffe--I bet Uncle Tim could show her how to walk in those. We say we want to look at a two bedroom apartment--because jesus said we have to sleep in different beds until we are wed-- and she asks us when we are looking to move, the normal conversation when apartment shopping. She then hands us a sheet of paper showing the prices--ass rape--and explains the costs, then looks at us and says, "Okay?" Not an offer to go look at a model or an open apartment. Not a "Do you have any more questions?" Just "Okay?" I almost laugh histerically, but I maintain myself through the next few minutes of awkward silence between Mrs. Ace and this dumb broad. Mrs. Ace probably would have sold her soul to live at that place, but instead we come out with peice of paper and a hatred that no other apartment overtook. But I am thrilled because Mrs. Ace number one prospect, a can't miss, is a total bust.

Saturday, we go back for round two. We have found a couple other ones we want to look at before we make our final decision and would also like to go back to some of the ones we liked on Friday. Our first stop is Residences at Bexley Woods. We drove through the complex and were debating on whether or not we should just keep on driving, but it was a good location so we stopped in. Big fucking mistake. A) They have NASCAR posters in the office. B) They have corn hole set up in their office. And C) I fucking hate this place. So we have to get in our cars and follow some lady into another complex to look at their model. They usually have a golf cart to take us, but it was in use already. So we are about half way there, and then boom, I run over something. My tire doesn't go flat, but I hear a click on every rotation. We get to the model and I look to see what it may be. It's a fucking lag bolt with a washe around it stuck in my front right tire. Needless to say, I'm pissed. Then the cunt says, "At least it's not flat, you might be able to make it back home." No bitch, I can't. So we look up the nearest tire shop and are about to head that way and then Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, my tire blows. I'm going to murder somebody.

So we pull back in and I jack up the car so I can put the donut on, and then go down to the tire shop. Well, I get the car jacked up and then find out that the socket I have that is supposed to fit the lugnuts has been stripped out and no longer fits the lugnuts. The lady who was giving us the tour lends helping hand and goes to her place and gets me some tools. She has the right socket, but the handle isn't long enough for me to get enough tork to loosen the lugnuts. I'm stuck, I'm angry, and I'm looking for somebody to maim. Hell hath no fury like Mr. Ace stuck and not able to fix something. I own a fucking hardware store, I can usually fix anything well enough to get by for awhile. Not this time, I have to call beloved commenter Daniel to come and help me out.

Dan shows up and has the proper tool, but the lugnuts still won't budge. Daniel is a AAA member so he calls for some assistance. We sit around for awhile and then Daniel just says fuck it, and gives it one more try. Sure enough, the fuckeye weight lifting program pays divedends for me, and they pop loose. Now I have the donut on and I can go get a new tire, it only took two hours. So we get to the tire place and I'm told I have to pay $125 for the apartments fuck up. Sweet. But it's fixed and now we can move on to more apartment shopping, three hours later.

Right before we originally left to go look at apartments Saturday, I hopped on the internet and picked out one apartment that we should look at. Big Walnut was its name and I was pretty confident it would be the one. Sure enough, it's the one. Perfect, layout, good price, good location, and it is even gated--sort of-- so Mrs. Ace can feel safe. With this find, I am anointed apartment guru. Mrs. Ace spends eight hours looking through apartment shit and comes up with nothing, I spend 15 minutes and find this gem.

So Big Walnut is the winner, or at least it should be, but Mrs. Ace is a female and logic and reasoning rarely play a factor in decision making with those kinds.

So if you ever need some advice on apartments, let this be your guide.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

I am Lebron's Swollen Vagina

2009-06-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

I am Lebron's strained lower back. As much as I love to bash Lebron, he deserves an enormous amount of credit for getting this Cavs team to this point. I have no idea how they got the best record in the Association...oh yeah, they played in the East. The Cavs front court is an absolute joke. Varajao has a huge, flopping vagina the size of the Grand Canyon, Z is a 7 footer who plays like he is 6' 7", and Ben Wallace is a fucking fossil. The backcourt is solid. Mo is a legitimate All Star who has a big time jumper and Delonte can play. Honestly, I thought Delonte was the best player other than Lebron in the Conference Finals. He played great D against a much larger Hedo Turkoglu, was able to get into the post and own whoever was guarding him, and was nearly impossible to defend when he had his jumper going. But without a big man the Cavs were a house of cards, and Dwight Howard brought the fucking house down.

I am Lebron's right foot up Danny Ferry's rectum. Remember back just before the trade deadline when there was all that talk about Shaq going to Cleveland? Yeah, how fucking stupid was it not to make that move in hindsight. I don't know what the Suns wanted, but anything short of Mo and Lebron they should have given up. The Diesel isn't what he used to be, but he is still a force in the middle. A force that would have been exactly what the Cavs needed to get past the Magic.

I am Lebron's shrunken testicles. I have always said the main reason that I will still take Kobe over Lebron is because I KNOW Kobe can strap a team on his back and carry them through a series, and there is nobody else on the planet that I would want to take a game winner other than Kobe Bryant. Kobe would never perform a disappearing act the way Lebron did Saturday night. Lebron starts off the game going 5-7 in the first quarter, solid. Then he is basically never heard from again. He goes 2-13 in the last three quarters. Yikes. And I don't want to hear shit about fatigue. The guy is one of the best athletes on the planet and has played the fewest games of anybody in the playoffs right now, he wasn't tired, he gave up. He wasn't getting the calls down low so he settled for jumpers and ultimately destroyed any chance the Cavs had of winning the game before halftime. Grow some fucking stones and show up, all the way 'til the end, that's what the great ones do.

I am Lebron's swollen vagina. I don't have a huge issue with Lebron not staying out their to shake hands and congratulate the Magic on embarrassing him. He was pissed, and rightfully so, and didn't want to have anything to do with that. But Lebron didn't earn the right to dip out like he did. If he played the second half balls to the wall and really did everything in his power to win the game, then fine, go to the locker room knowing that you just did everything you possibly could to win that game. But if you give up at halftime, you might as well stay out there for the post game because you handed it to them on a silver platter. Pussy.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE

Hey Columbus, Fuck You!

2009-05-29T08:00:00.001-04:00

I am down in Columbus today looking for apartments with Mrs. Ace, hoping to find one accepts rent payments in Ace gift cards. In honor of being back in this shit hole, I figured I would give you a quality re-post from several months back. You may remember this as The Subway post. Enjoy and have a wonderful weekend.

So here I am sitting in downtown Columbus, in a subway on high street, bored out of my fucking mind, typing this blog on my BlackBerry-- name drop--because none of my friends are cool enough to call off work and get blitzed with me at the local pub. It is pouring down rain and I don't have a car. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to drive in this clusterfuck. I was going to hoof it down to the movie theatre and watch some random matinee, but I walked for about 10 minutes and realized I wasn't even half way there. So I turned my happy ass around and walked into the nearest subway.

I love me some subway, and this subway appeared to be a quality establishment... That is until I order a 5$ chicken pizziola and the bitch rolled her eyes at me and said she can't wait until that sub goes off the 5$ footlong list. I chuckle, trying to be friendly and she just glares at me and asks me what I want on my sub. So in my head, I am going all "unforgiveable" on this cunt....

"Listen here, Bitch! If you sass me one more time I'm gonna jump over this counter and ram a footlong honey oat up your ass. Give me some onions, green peppers, banana peppers, and some extra pepperoni, Cunt! And get me some baked Lays, FOR FREE!"

But I maintained my composure and proceeded to order every item on "the works" as possible. Knowing full well that I am going to take off every item, except the onions, right in front of this bitch and laugh in her face. So that is exactly what I did... I gave her a friendly smile instead of laughing in her face--hurt 'em with honey, or something like that.

Even after this monumental showdown I am still stuck here in the pouring rain, watching some lame ass parade marching down the road. And if that bitch eyeballs me one more time I am going to go all Mike Singletary on her and show her the GOAT! Wish me luck.

And by the way, daniel and dustin are the worst hosts in the world. Kick them in the sac if you see them.

I'M OUT

ASALAMALAKUM, ONE LOVE